You Don’t Have To Live Like The Women In An SOS Band Song

This post is a follow-up to an earlier post, Is Opportunity Monopolized? If you haven’t read it yet, please take the time to read that earlier post. I’ve been reading a fascinating book by Steve Siebold called How Rich People Think. He begins the main part of the book by saying,

Middle class focuses on saving… World class focuses on earning
Driven by the fear of loss and uncertainty of the future, the masses focus on how to protect and hoard their money. While world-class thinkers understand the importance of saving and investing, they direct their mental energy toward accumulating wealth through serving people and solving problems. When an economic correction occurs, the fear-based saver suffers catastrophic losses that may take years to recover. While world-class thinkers suffer similar losses, they quickly turn their attention to financial opportunities that present themselves in a society of suddenly terrified people.

While the masses are selling for short-term survival, the great ones are buying for long-term success. One group is operating from fear, the other, from abundance.The self-made rich aren’t afraid to take calculated risks, because they know if they lose they can make it all back. While the middle class is always looking for the home run investment that will make them wealthy, the world class invests wisely, knowing the bulk of their fortune will come from the service they provide. Most people are more concerned with the modest gains they accumulate from their savings and investments than they are with using their billion dollar minds to create a fortune. The masses are so focused on clipping coupons and living frugally they miss major opportunities.

Even in the midst of a cash flow crisis, the rich reject the nickel and dime thinking of the masses. They are masters at focusing their mental energy where it belongs: on the big money. How about you? Are you more focused on saving pennies or building an empire? Your current financial status will give you an idea of your past thinking. If you’re rich, keep thinking the way you’re thinking. If not, maybe it’s time for a change.

Amazon Kindle Location 160-69.

I thought of African-American women when I read this passage. So many of us are so focused on fearfully trying to hoard the various types of crumbs we’ve settled for that we miss out on opportunities to live in abundance. Unfortunately, this “desperately clinging to a moldy crumb” mentality has been heavily promoted among African-American women for a long time. Which brings me to the SOS Band.

IF YOU WANT TO ATTRACT PREDATORS INTO YOUR LIFE AND SUFFER, BUY INTO THE MINDSET PROMOTED BY THE SOS BAND’S SONGS

Even though I like the music, I’ve always hated the jacked-up, anti-woman messages in most SOS Band songs. Even as a pre-teen and teenager. People have been promoting bad ideas to African-American women for a very long time. It didn’t start with c/rap-hip-hop; although African-Americans culturally jumped off the cliff with c/rap music. Over the years, I’ve been actively atoning for the error in judgment I made as a teenager and young adult regarding the hip-hop trash. I allowed myself to be bullied into silence about its poison by accusations of being “bourgie.” This kept me from loudly condemning the c/rap-hip-hop trash that first began when I was a teenager.

Many (actually most) non-ghetto African-Americans really knew better at the beginning of hip-hop. We KNEW this genre was some degrading trash created by no-talent bums. And most of us knew the hip-hop scum were wrong to slander C. Delores Tucker. Non-ghetto African-Americans in my age group knew better. About a lot of things. Unfortunately, most of us said and did nothing. We allowed the Black underclass and its cheerleaders to bully us into silence.

Nevertheless, I’m not nostalgic about old-school African-American culture. Even though there were many good things about the old-school, there were also many toxic things waiting to metastasize as soon as we got free from Jim Crow. There were plenty of internal ticking bombs waiting to explode once we became free enough to be self-destructive. There was a lot of poison being pushed by old-school R&B. I recall being particularly disgusted with the madness of the SOS Band song “Just Be Good to Me” where the singer is crooning that she doesn’t care how her guy treats other people. Including how he treats his other women.

Here are the lyrics from the S(ounds) O(f) S(tupidity) song, Just Be Good to Me:

Friends tell me I am crazy
And I’m wasting time with you
You’ll never be mine
It’s not the way I see it
‘Cause I feel you’re already mine
Whenever you’re with me {Ooh…ooh…ooh…}

People always talkin’ ’bout
Your reputation
I don’t care about your other girls
Just be good to me {Ooh…ooh…ooh…}

Friends are always tellin’ me
You’re a user
I don’t care what you do to them
Just be good to me {Ooh…ooh…ooh…}

You may have many others
But I know when you’re with me
You are all mine
Friends always seem to listen
To the bad things that you do
You never do them to me {Ooh…ooh…ooh…}

People always talkin’ ’bout
Your reputation
I don’t care about your other girls
Just be good to me {Ooh…ooh…ooh…}

Friends are always tellin’ me
You’re a user
I don’t care what you do to them
Just be good to me {Ooh…ooh…ooh…}

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Just be good to me

Life is a game of chances
So I’ll take my chance with you
And you, I won’t try to change
We talk about it and I
Never had a piece of you
And to have all of nothing {Ooh…ooh…ooh…}

But just be good to me
In the mornin’
Just be good to me
In the afternoon or evenin’, oh, yeah
Just be good to me {Ooh…ooh…ooh…}

I’ll give you love, I will smother you
I’ll give affection, I won’t bother you
I’ll be good to you, you’ll be good to me, yeah, yeah
Just be good to me {Ooh…ooh…ooh…}

I’m like a cherry pie, I will tie you down
When you need me, I’ll be around
I’ll be good to you, you’ll be good to me
And we’ll always be together, be together, ha

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la (Oh…)
Just be good to me {Ooh…ooh…ooh…}

(I love you so) La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la (Be nice to me, be sweet to me)
Just be good to me {Ooh…ooh…ooh…}

(We won’t worry, no don’t worry ’bout what the people say)
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la (We’ll be good to each other)
(Ooh, each and every day) Just be good to me {Ooh…ooh…ooh…}

Although, if I remember correctly, the phrase went “I’d rather have a piece of you, than to have all of nothing.”

Unfortunately, the sentiments expressed in this bit of madness are a large part of the culturally approved anthem that most African-American women have adopted. They’re so afraid of taking the risk of temporarily being alone (while seeking out a fulfilling, reciprocal relationship), they settle for rotten, moldy, even outright deadly pieces of men. They do things that make themselves vulnerable to predatory males. Those lyrics remind me of several African-American women coworkers I’ve observed over the years.

BLACK WOMEN PUTTING A MOLDY, ROTTEN PIECE OF A MAN OVER LIFE ITSELF

I know a couple of Black women attorneys that some coworkers have been taking bets on how much longer until their no-working-Negro, domestically-violent husbands finally get around to killing them. I’ve previously mentioned how one of these women was beat down in the court building parking lot one morning right before work. In front of her clients. In front of her coworkers. In front of the White prosecutors and sheriffs who were clucking about it for the rest of the week. In front of everybody who was in the parking lot at that moment.

I’ve had another Black woman coworker whose (openly cheating) husband had taken out a huge life insurance policy on her. Then, mysteriously, “somebody” was repeatedly tampering with her car’s tires in such a way that could cause a blowout during her daily highway commute to work. So said the investigators that work for my firm who examined the tires. This particular woman was initially very angry with everyone who told her to cancel that policy and get away from her husband. Even though she wised up enough to have that policy cancelled, she accused them all of being jealous haters.

She was blessed that “all” her husband ultimately did was divorce her after his youngest child from a prior marriage turned eighteen. His main motive for marrying her seemed to be so that she would help pay his child support. [He had told her before they got married that he didn’t want to have any more children. Translation = he didn’t want to have any children with her. Which was yet another warning signal that he never cared for her. He went on to impregnate at least one of the side women he had during their marriage.]

I won’t join the office pool about these other women’s survival odds.

BLACK WOMEN PUTTING A MOLDY, ROTTEN PIECE OF A MAN OVER THEIR OWN CHILDREN’S SAFETY

I’ve noticed a pattern with clients who have allowed their boyfriends to sexually molest their children. They typically hook up with a series of men who are pedophiles. Similar to domestically violent men, the pedophiles do a “screening” and “interview” process to find women with children who will not protect their children from molestation. Yet another unflattering truth is that there’s a fairly large pool of women who are more invested into holding onto a relationship than their own children’s safety.

A WORD ABOUT PREDATORS IN GENERAL

Let me be blunt. Everybody needs to get it through their heads that ALL predators have a selection process. And you don’t want to fit into the profile that says “Easy Prey.” There are a handful of absolute psychos that will do what they do regardless of the signals being sent by potential prey. But this is not at all the norm. Even the “Officially Crazy For Real” clients that I’ve had are not crazy enough to mess with even-scarier predators! I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of clients I’ve had over the years who would do things regardless of who was around, or who they did it too. Even otherwise-delusional schizophrenics try to exercise the rudiments of self-preservation.

Predators are predators, and not warriors. Predators are not looking for prey that’s going to put up a serious fight for long. Or, God forbid, do something to hurt them in the process. Predators are looking for what’s easy; and what’s predictable prey. Predators are also always looking for an edge, and as many advantages over potential prey as possible.

For just one example, I cringe (inside) every time I see a woman walking around with headphones on. Even if the music is turned off, that woman is giving predators the signal that she can’t hear who or what’s coming up behind her. This is not a good look. I cringe (inside) every time I see a woman walking around with her head down staring at the ground so she can’t even see who’s around her. Or if they’re approaching her. Or how close they are before they’re right up on her.

I cringe because I know that if I notice this, so do any predators in the immediate area.

Gavin De Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear, is required reading for everyone. I would also strongly recommend Eyes Wide Open: Bodyguard Strategies for Self-Protection by Kristie Kilgore. Situational awareness is only the beginning of self-preservation. There are always moments and places of heightened vulnerability. Part of protecting ourselves is to think through some things. One thing that Kilgore points out is to be aware of what she calls “Fatal Funnels.” Fatal funnels are places that have only one way in and out. Such as an elevator. Other examples are the dead end of a hallway and office cubicles. If the predator blocks the entrance-exit then you are trapped. The Kilgore book had this to say about elevators:

You can take steps to regain some control of variables in elevators. If you are on an elevator when the door opens, you can subtly hold the door open as someone steps in.

If the individual has a ‘bad feel,’ this allows you the opportunity to step off discreetly, as though you were waiting for the person to get on first before leaving.

Conversely, if the doors open and you are waiting to get one, you have the freedom to wait for another elevator. The stranger does not necessarily know you were the one who pushed the button; you could be waiting for an elevator going the other direction.

Dismiss the stranger’s perception of you as irrelevant.

Eyes Wide Open, pg. 122-123 (emphasis added)

The last part is critical, and ties into African-American women being taught to worry about being perceived as “mean” or “rude” to Black men. By contrast, African-American women are programmed to be extra wary around White men. Without considering how their often stand-offish behavior toward Whites is perceived. Circumstances are such that every woman needs to listen to her own instincts for self-preservation!

None of what I’m saying is about blaming victims. It’s about everyone learning to give off as many signals as possible that say “T-R-O-U-B-L-E” to any predator that might be watching you. And any predator who might be “interviewing” you during the dating process.

THE ONLY PEOPLE ATTRACTED BY THERAPY TALK ARE PREDATORY MALES

I’ve often talked about the negatives attached to publicly engaging in therapy talk. African-American women need to stop doing that. All they’re doing is othering themselves when they engage in that behavior. While responding to a dissenting reader I said,

Where did I “blatantly dismiss” women with psychological upsets and/or traumatic pasts? I don’t recall doing that. Here’s what I’ve been saying:

1-People DON’T gravitate toward strangers with heavy-duty issues. Being a “stranger with heavy issues like sexual abuse, etc.” is not an appealing look.

2-People don’t even like to hang around already-known casual acquaintances once they discover that person has heavy-duty issues. Hanging around diseased persons (including mental diseases) is anti-survival; it’s contrary to human nature. That’s why a promise is extracted during marriage vows to hang around in sickness and in health. If it was normal human nature to stick around with sick people, then there would be no perceived need to make that promise part of the vows.

3-It’s one thing to carefully share one’s heavy-duty issues and past history of trauma with a man who has ALREADY decided to make a big emotional investment into you. It’s something totally else to indiscriminately broadcast one’s heavy-duty issues and past history of trauma to the entire planet. Indiscriminate public broadcasting puts one into the category of “stranger with heavy-duty issues.” This is not an appealing look.

For the reasons raised in points #1-2, indiscriminate, public broadcasting of one’s wounds drives people away from the wounded person. This is the reality of how this plays out. If a woman wants quality men to approach her, and then hang around long enough to decide to make a big emotional investment in her, then it’s best to not engage in this behavior of indiscriminate, public broadcasting of stigmatizing personal information. And that stuff IS stigmatizing. No matter how much we may not like the fact that this stuff is stigmatizing. It’s still a stigma.

. . . Okay, let’s assume that you’re correct and that 4 in 10 women are survivors of sexual/physical/emotional abuse. This still does NOT make being a survivor of sexual/physical/emotional abuse an appealing or attractive personal “brand.” I get the feeling (I could be mistaken) that you want these negative personal histories re-defined as something that’s neutral. NO—that’s not how reality works. Sickness and woundedness will always be perceived as negative, and therefore stigmatizing. It’s human nature to prefer health over sickness/woundedness.

Again, disease is NOT attractive to humans. No matter how much we try to promote therapy talk, most people are NOT going to choose a sick/wounded person over a healthy one as a potential spouse (all other things being more or less equal). Let’s face reality about that. This is the same way a sensible person will choose a non/never been-alcoholic or non/never been-drug addict over a recovering alcoholic or recovering drug addict as a potential spouse.

[Reader,] you said, “So, who are they to marry? Do women with tumultuous pasts not deserve partners?”

I’m not talking about what people “deserve.” I’m talking about reality. If these women want partners, then they need to let the potential partner get to know other, appealing and attractive things about them before disclosing that sort of negative personal information. Disclosing that sort of stuff too early (which is inherent in the indiscriminate public broadcasting behavior) drives people away. That’s the bottom line.

You said, “I understand that you are admonishing a certain demographic to stop the pity party and move on, but how do you recommend that they do so when so few of them know how?”

That’s the point of professional therapy—to assist the patient in working out ways of moving beyond the pity party into healthier functioning. Not to cheerlead the “woe is me.” Not to encourage the wounded person to remain frozen in “woe is me.”

CW, blog host of Black Women Deserve Better (it’s a private blog, so I haven’t provided the link) said it best during that conversation,

And those who look for wounded birds SEE vulnerabilities as a way to “get” something… Normal functioning adults do not expect PERFECTION…They are looking to see how we play the cards which have been dealt to us…However if one is walking around bleeding, that’s a clear signal to run…Walking around like “The Walking Wounded” tells others that there is immediate & present danger nearby…

Discretion also tells that man we can be trusted to keep certain business on our side of the threshold…Notice how the same leaky faucets tend to “tell all” with friends, neighbors, co-workers & such??? Those who handle adversity with grace will find support…The “Woe Is Me” crowd attracts users, abusers and other folk with an agenda…

Ladies, there no need to live like the women in an SOS Band song.

Tagged as: 

81 Responses to “You Don’t Have To Live Like The Women In An SOS Band Song”

  1. joyousnerd says:

    Thank you reiterating this point, Khadija! Blood in the water doesn’t summon aid or rescue- it summons sharks. I wish I had known this years ago… I used to wonder how deadbeats seemed to find me like I had a spotlight on me… well. I DID have a spotlight on myself because I walked through the ghetto with my eyes on the sidewalk, stooped over mired in depression. I looked like easy prey. Thank God I wasn’t physically attacked, but DBRs would sidle up and feel me out. For some reason they always moved on to easier prey thank god. But I could easily have become a statistic.

    Co-sign on The Gift of Fear. It’s right up there with Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft as required reading.

    • ak says:

      Yep, eyes on the sidewalk and stooped over mired in depression that was me when I use to walk through especially NYC sometimes too and the DBR sharks did circle but I was too disgusted with them even by then to ever give in to their foolishness, but that ‘wallowing in mire look’ is now over for me.

  2. Nathalie says:

    You’ve hit on so many things I have discussed with friends and family. The co-dependent “be preyed upon” programming in the music is horrifying–I don’t play “urban” or top 40 stations for this very reason (and the “urban talk” is even worse).

    I highly recommend Gavin De Becker’s book The Gift of Fear to every woman, starting with teens–it’s a game changer that can be a life saver. I also recommend taking reality-based self defense–where you are drilled to detect, evade, escape or if necessary fight to knock-out/kill your attacker. It’s very intense, but it deprograms all the “be prey” programming reinforced in women from early on–and replaces it with awareness and personal safety skills girls and women need.
    The struggle for crumbs programming is also real and defeating and we as black women have to do differently; most of us have nothing to gain from the status quo and in fact it guarantees our losses. Thanks for the resources. My mom and I are enjoying another business/money resource you’ve recommended–and I look forward to checking out Siebold’s ideas.

  3. Tracy says:

    Don’t forget this one:

    You have been single for a long time
    And I don’t wanna cramp your style
    Still you insist you want to settle down
    But I know better, you can’t change years over night
    And asking that, I would never do
    So here’s the solution that comes to mind

    As long as I can be your number one
    You still can have your fun
    Whenever you need love
    I will give it to you, just the way you like it
    You keep your other girls
    Until you settle down
    Whenever you get bored
    I will give it to you, just the way you like it

    Just the way you like it, woooo oooooh
    Just the way you like it, woooo oooooh

    If you plan on loving me for a lifetime
    It doesn’t matter what you do
    With other girls, they just can’t change your mind (oh no)
    ‘Cause when you’re tired of them
    You’ll come back to me (oooh, oooh)
    I won’t tie you down (oooh, oooh)
    You can play around (oooh, oooh)
    ‘Cause you know where the best love is found (oooh, oooh) (right here)

    As long as I can be your number one
    You still can have your fun
    Whenever you need love
    I will give it to you, just the way you like it
    You keep your other girls
    Until you settle down
    Whenever you get bored
    I will give it to you, just the way you like it (as long as I)

    Just the way you like it, woooo oooooh
    Just the way you like it, woooo oooooh

    I think they also put out a song about some woman just loving to sit up under her “secret” man when he is out with his other woman..

    Yep, go out and play and I will be waiting for you to come back and give me a disease or and unwanted baby…great band!

    Lately, I have been on what I call “High Alert”..not neccessarily looking for abnormal AA behaviors, but being smacked in the face with them DAILY!! And the woe is me, be my therapist is the main one that I have to deal with.

    And not just from young ones, a lot are from women MY AGE – old enough to know better! In some cases, the man is damn near holding a sign saying “I’M DAMAGED” and still the question remains – “What should I do?” Um, RUN!!! Common Sense!! Is BM Winky that good that you have to second guess your safety for some?!?

    I’ve been called Bougie, “Self Hating Race Traitor” and ooo – this is a new one – Little Ms. Privleged, for not putting up with the SOS mentality of having a ‘piece’ of a man. Or putting up with a ‘piece’ of a life. It’s very difficult to explain to bw that are new to BWE or any kind of empowerment, that you don’t have to deal with everything that comes your way…you can walk away. You can ignore the hell out of folks and push them straight out of your lives. Survival and getting yours has to take a front seat to “forgiveness” and “trust” and whatever the Scriptures or Passa says that you “have” to do. They are almost like the Moonies! They need more deprogramming than I can ever do..

    And as much Styling and Profiling as we do, it is even harder to get some bw to practice the “Walk in like you have the biggest c*ck in the room” bit – can’t fathom it unless it’s against each other. Standing tall, looking into the forehead, speaking clearly – all DBR deterrents.
    It also helps those bw that just have to look for perceived racism wherever they go. If believe that you are the most fabulous thing in four counties, a dirty look from some soccer mom isn’t gonna make much difference. But…some bw still want to hold on to the suffering in hopes that everyone will one day see it, validate it and apologize! Then all will be right. The day before that happens, I will marry the Easter Bunny.

    One last on the therapy talk – Is Oprah going to make her last year on tv the Damaged/Issue year? I should thank her, she’s given me much more ammo and reason not to look at anything by Tyler, but is she gonna throw bw under the damaged bus before she goes out? I hear Monique’s story is next….smh..

    • That is the song that immediately came to mind when I started reading this post. I never liked that song-even as a child. My mother hated it, too. She said it sounds desperate, and never encouraged me to sing it along to it. She tried her best, even when I liked Mokenstef’s “He’s Mine” LOL! As a grown up, you realize that certain songs can get into your subconscious and affect your behavior. That’s why it’s important to be careful what we listen to.

    • Oshun/Aphrodite says:

      I have heard some serious criticisms about Oprah’s shows of late within “therapy circles” and its not good.

  4. Faith Dow says:

    Ah I thought you’d highlight, “Take Your Time”, lol. It’s true that a LOT of these songs are all the variation of “He done me wrong but I lurve him so I’m gonna stay” or “I know he’s no good but I can’t help myself” “I’m sharing him with another woman and she needs to go” and I can’t listen to these stations at all! Not only does this current crop of crap music give me a headache but it’s all such negative reinforcement of indoctrination. JUST. SAY. NO!

    Women need to be listening to “Ain’t Nothing Going On But the Rent” for starters and take it from there!

  5. JoyousNerd,

    You’re welcome! You said, “Co-sign on The Gift of Fear. It’s right up there with Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft as required reading.”

    Thanks for mentioning the 2nd book. I hadn’t heard of it; I’ll check it out.
    ____________________________________________

    Nathalie,

    You said, “The co-dependent “be preyed upon” programming in the music is horrifying–I don’t play “urban” or top 40 stations for this very reason (and the “urban talk” is even worse).”

    Guurl, this active promotion of madness to AA women has been going on for more than a minute. And it predates that c/rap-hip-hop trash. That SOS Band and Yarbrough & Peoples mess (that I mention later on in this comment) is from the 1980s.

    You said, “I highly recommend Gavin De Becker’s book The Gift of Fear to every woman, starting with teens–it’s a game changer that can be a life saver. I also recommend taking reality-based self defense–where you are drilled to detect, evade, escape or if necessary fight to knock-out/kill your attacker. It’s very intense, but it deprograms all the “be prey” programming reinforced in women from early on–and replaces it with awareness and personal safety skills girls and women need.”

    I 100% cosign. That’s a very good idea. Most normal people in general, and normal women in particular (I’m not talking about predatory gang girls and Sheniquas), are intensely uncomfortable with even trying to physically hurt other people. The sort of training you’re talking about can literally save lives.

    You said, “The struggle for crumbs programming is also real and defeating and we as black women have to do differently; most of us have nothing to gain from the status quo and in fact it guarantees our losses.”

    ITA.

    You said, “Thanks for the resources. My mom and I are enjoying another business/money resource you’ve recommended–and I look forward to checking out Siebold’s ideas.”

    You’re welcome! Although, I’ll note that Mr. Siebold’s books are NOT for the faint of heart, or those whose feelings are easily bruised. He doesn’t mince words about anything.

    I was so impressed by what I’ve read of the How Rich People Think book that I’ve bought his other 2 books, 177 Mental Toughness Secrets of the World Class and Die Fat or Get Tough: 101 Differences in Thinking Between Fat People and Fit People. Before anybody screams, I’ll note that he mentions that (1) he used to be overweight until he worked to get the excess weight off, and (2) his book is not for people with eating disorders or psychological problems. He’s mananged to deeply anger a number of folks who are advocates of Fat Acceptance. Here’s a negative review here: http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2010/10/20/steve-siebold-wants-your-16-even-if-it-kills-you/
    ______________________________________________

    Tracy,

    Ewww…I had forgotten that particular bit of mess from the SOS Band. And the SOS Band was not alone in peddling madness to BW. I clearly recall the Yarbrough & Peoples-made, utterly appalling, “backstab your friend in order to get with her man”-song from that same era, “Don’t Waste Your Time”:

    Don’t waste your time
    She’s my friend
    I tell you
    She ain’t no good

    Ooh, ooh, ooh
    Yeah, yeah

    I can’t stand to see someone
    Take advantage of you
    Knowing I care about you
    The way I do

    So don’t waste your time
    She’s my friend
    And I tell you she ain’t no good
    Don’t waste your time
    She’s my friend
    And I tell you she ain’t no good

    She calls me on the phone
    Each and every night
    Bragging how she takes love
    But never gives it back

    So don’t waste your time
    She’s my friend
    And I tell you she ain’t no good
    Don’t waste your time
    She’s my friend
    And I tell you she ain’t no good

    She told me that she loves me
    She told me that she needed me
    (No good)
    She said I was the only one
    (Don’t waste your time)
    And now you’re saying
    She’s only out for fun

    She don’t love you
    She don’t love you
    She don’t love you like I do

    She don’t love you
    (Are you sure)
    She don’t love you
    (Are you sure)
    She don’t love you like I do

    (Don’t waste your time)
    But she told me that
    She loved me, oh, yeah
    (Don’t waste your time)
    But she told me
    That she needed me
    (Don’t waste your time)

    Ooh, ooh

    Don’t waste your time

    (Are you sure)
    She don’t love you
    She don’t love you
    (Are you sure)
    She don’t love you like I do

    (Are you sure)
    She don’t love you
    She don’t love you
    (Are you sure)
    She don’t love you like I do

    Do you love me
    And do you want me
    Do you need me
    (Don’t waste your time)

    I can’t stand to see someone
    Take advantage of you
    I can’t stand to see someone
    Take advantage of you, yeah

    I can’t stand to see someone
    Take advantage of you
    I can’t stand to see someone
    Take advantage of you

    (Don’t waste your time)
    And you say she’s only out for fun
    (Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)

    She told me that she loved me
    (Don’t waste your time)
    (Don’t waste your time)

    She don’t love you
    (Are you sure)
    She don’t love you
    (Are you sure)
    She don’t love you
    (Are you sure) like I do

    (Are you sure)
    She don’t love you
    She don’t love you
    (Are you sure)
    She don’t love you like I do
    (Are you sure)

    Don’t waste your time
    (She said that she loves me)
    She’s my friend and I tell you
    She ain’t no good

    Don’t waste your time
    (She said that she needs me)
    She’s my friend and I tell you
    She ain’t no good

    (Don’t waste your time)
    She said that she loves me
    And now you’re telling me
    She ain’t no good

    Don’t waste your time

    I can’t stand to see someone
    Take advantage of you
    I can’t stand to see someone
    Take advantage of you, yeah

    I can’t stand to see someone
    Take advantage of you
    I can’t stand to see someone
    Take advantage of you

    She’s my friend
    (She said she loved me)
    And I tell you
    She ain’t no good
    (Are you sure)

    She don’t love you
    She don’t love you
    (Are you sure)
    She don’t love you like I do
    (Are you sure)

    She don’t love you
    She don’t love you
    (Are you sure)
    She don’t love you like I do

    What I found fascinating was that the nutcase character point of view in the song couldn’t point to anything WRONG her friend was actually doing to the man. It’s not like she could say the woman was cheating on him. It all boiled down to the man liking the friend more than the friend liked the man. All of which is twisted around to = “she’s no good,” and “I can’t stand to see someone take advantage of you.” And therefore, the nutcase character can feel “justified” in presumably making some kind of play for the friend’s man. Feh!

    You said, “But…some bw still want to hold on to the suffering in hopes that everyone will one day see it, validate it and apologize! Then all will be right. The day before that happens, I will marry the Easter Bunny.”

    What these women refused to understand is that, in general, NOBODY CARES about BW’s suffering. And nobody’s going to start caring any time soon.

    You said, “One last on the therapy talk – Is Oprah going to make her last year on tv the Damaged/Issue year? I should thank her, she’s given me much more ammo and reason not to look at anything by Tyler, but is she gonna throw bw under the damaged bus before she goes out? I hear Monique’s story is next….smh..”

    I’ve read and heard some appalling things about what Oprah’s been doing with her show lately. Particularly in reference to Tyler Perry, who—for his own mental health—obviously needs to get some professional counseling instead of randomly regurgitating his experience of being molested as a child in public. She’s not doing him any favors by giving him yet another forum for this emotional version of projectile vomiting.

    Expect Success!

  6. joyousnerd says:

    You know, I feel a bit chagrined when I read the part about a mentality of hoarding money. This has been me for a very long time.

    When my first child was born, my husband made less money than he does now. We both wanted me at home full time and we had to scrimp to make that happen. We both got into a mindset of going to crazy extremes of frugality, when our focus would have been much better served by trying harder to create income. I did a few things, like I babysat very briefly and I did try to sew cloth diapers to sell. Neither of those things went very far and didn’t generate cash.

    Instead we focused mostly on saving every nickel, to the point where my husband (unbenknownst to me) delayed changing the car’s oil till one day the engine exploded on the highway and he was nearly killed. That repair was NOT cheap. Hanging by hook or by crook onto every penny didn’t really get us that far, though we were able to save up the down payment for our home and rental property through severe cheapness lol.

    I remember a few years ago I was an avid reader of a femininity blog with a Christian bent, and a man posted that mothers like me were what he called “Little House on the Prairie” moms. He said that it was ludicrous for a college educated woman who could speak 3 languages (like me) to be spending 4 hours doing tasks like baking bread from scratch to save $2 when really that time would be better spent creating some income. The women on that blog went NUTS. Self included. You would have thought he called us out of our names lol.

    Now, a few years later, I absolutely see what he meant and I WISH I had spent my time tutoring local kids in Spanish and French for $10/hr instead of trying to become a modern day Black Laura Ingalls. (Note to self, post tutoring ad on Craigslist tonight.)

    Oh, and the music with destructive programming is amazing. I bought a collection of Motown music to listen to in the car, and I am downright disgusted and horrified by the messages of settling for moldy crumbs and undying faithfulness to faithless men. I shudder to think what’s on the radio today.

    • geekgrl says:

      I’m single, no kids, but in the same boat. One of my favorite books is ‘the complete tightwads gazette’ and I definitely have Black Laura Ingalls fantasies.

      I’ve listened to most of the 4 hr workweek and know I don’t need much money to do my ‘dreamline’ but I haven’t really worked on my passive income streams. I guess I need to get to work on it.

      I have to remind myself that I can be Black Laura Ingalls AND accumulate wealth.

      • joyousnerd says:

        Yes, indeed! I have been trying to get my muse together as well… it’s an ebook for BW who want to grow long hair (mine is hip length). This week I have been feeling at a loss since discovering some evil jerk has been selling a fake ebook on the same topic! I need to regroup and I’m thinking I might have to do POD instead; I don’t know how much seed money I need for that.

        Speaking of seeds {chuckle} I grow my organic veggies at home, inside under High output T5 lights. No bugs, no weeds, no frost damage! I can have the real benefits of being a Black Laura Ingalls (lol) without restricting myself in other ways. I love this blog, it’s great to find like-minded BW!

  7. vonnie says:

    As much as I LOVE the Supremes, jesus, every song was about man-sharing or begging/settling for a man to stay!

    Stop! In the Name of Love:
    Baby baby i’m aware of where you go
    each time you leave my door
    i watch you walk down the street
    knowing your other love you’ll meet
    but this time before you run to her leaving me all alone and hurt

    think it over( haven’t i been good to you?)
    think it over( haven’t i been sweet to you?)

    chorus:
    stop in the name of love before you break my heart
    stop in the name of love before you break my heart
    think it over
    think it over

    verse2:
    i known of your, your secluded nights
    i’ve even seen her maybee once or twice
    but is her sweet expression
    worth more then my love and affection?
    but this time before you leave my arms
    and rush off to her charm

    think it over(haven’t i been good to you?)
    think it over(haven’t i been sweet to you?)

    Chorus:
    stop in the name of love before you break my heart
    stop in the name of love before you break my heart
    think it over
    think it over

    verse3:
    i’ve tried so hard, hard to be patient
    hoping you would stop this infactuation
    but each time you are together
    i’m so afraid of losing you for ever

    chorus:
    stop in the name of love before you break my heart(baby think it over)
    stop in the name of love (think it over baby)before you break my heart(oooh think it over baby)

    Come See About Me

    • ak says:

      That’s nothing. Have you ever heard or ever heard of the 60s (!) song by The Crystals, another all black girl group, called ‘He Hit Me and It Felt Like A Kiss’? Shocking.

      Carole King co-wrote this song based on the experience based on yet another black woman getting herself twisted in relationships, a singer called Little Eva (the one who sung ‘Do The Loco-motion’) whose boyfriend used to beat her and she said ‘he beats me because he loves me’.

      If you’ve never heard this song before, and I haven’t yet, it’s because in was censored from the radio stations back in the day because people said it encouraged wife beating and such which makes sense! And it just had to be from a black female singer’s relationship right?….

      • AK,

        You said, “Have you ever heard or ever heard of the 60s (!) song by The Crystals, another all black girl group, called ‘He Hit Me and It Felt Like A Kiss’? Shocking.”

        OMG! {shudder} At least they had the decency to censor mess like that back in the day. {oh, wow—still can’t get over that title}{twitch}

        Expect Success!

    • ak says:

      Hey I love the The Surpremes too and I even love the SOS Band song ‘Take Your Time’! LOL LOL

      I’ll give Diana Ross and Co. one little extra point, shall we say, for at least coming out with a song of theirs that really is a fave of mine, ‘Keep Me Hanging On’.

      With ‘Keep Me Hanging On’ at least the girl in it is really trying to catch a clue at least and get away from her ex, the no good bum, and the girl is telling the truth to his face. So to me, they get one point for that! And I even love the Kim Wilde version being an 80s kid who loved so-called white and so-called black music.

      The song is almost prescient for the times that BW are going through right now actually! This is the song that is aimed at a DBR, or DBRs!

      Set me free why don’t you baby?
      Get out my life why don’t you baby?
      Cause you don’t really love me
      But you keep me hanging on

      You don’t really want want me
      You just keep me hanging on

      Why do you keep on coming around playing with my heart?

      Why don’t you get out of my life and let me make a new start?

      Let me get over you the way you’ve gotten over me! (hey, hey)

      Set me free why don’t you baby?
      Get out my life why don’t you baby?
      Cause you don’t really love me
      But you keep me hanging on

      You don’t really want want me
      You just keep me hanging on

      …..

      You say say you still care for me but your heart and soul needs to be free…

      And now that you got your freedom you wanna still hold on to me

      You don’t want me for yourself so let me find somebody else (hey, hey)

      Why don’t you be a man about it?
      And set me free?
      You don’t care a thing about me,
      You’re just using me

      Go on! Get out! Stay out of my life!
      And let me sleep at night!

  8. Hodan says:

    Khadija: “I’ve previously mentioned how one of these women was beat down in the court building parking lot one morning right before work. In front of her clients. In front of her coworkers. In front of the White prosecutors and sheriffs who were clucking about it for the rest of the week. In front of everybody who was in the parking lot at that moment.”

    Hodan: that is awful, why did no one stop the criminal doing that to her?….I can never relate to these type of situations and God forbid I’m stupid enough to allow such a man into my life.

    About that song and many other new and old school ones, its amazing how black women consider it some heroic sacrifice. You don’t hear black men singing about any sacrifice for their women or love….in fact many sing about the opposite. I remember the song ‘stand by your man’ and how white feminist considered it such a pathetic song, including Hillary Clinton (much to the sexist conservative christian rage against her). I wish black women with all their image of strength and toughness would apply it in their own daily life….in other words enforce that for their benefit by getting rid of black men who use them without any reciprocated benefits.I find it hilarious the loudest and most vulgar women among us is the weakest by simply observing how she lets every cringe worthy black man into her life and that of her unlucky children.

    Khadija: “For the reasons raised in points #1-2, indiscriminate, public broadcasting of one’s wounds drives people away from the wounded person. This is the reality of how this plays out. If a woman wants quality men to approach her, and then hang around long enough to decide to make a big emotional investment in her, then it’s best to not engage in this behavior of indiscriminate, public broadcasting of stigmatizing personal information. And that stuff IS stigmatizing. No matter how much we may not like the fact that this stuff is stigmatizing. It’s still a stigma.”

    Hodan: I whole heartily agree with you on this. My mother taught me NOT to broadcasting my business because dignity over pity wins every time. Our current culture of sharing every personal detail and tragedy whether its via mainstream media or every day conversation have turned us into a disgusting version of voyeurism. It only creates a different form of victimhood mentality and does not help the one confessing. I believe some people are under the deluded impression that life is ‘Fair,’ which its not and has never been.

    You can seek help from appropriate sources like a good therapist, rape crisis, psychologist, hypnosis, etc, etc. However, I failed to see why we need to share our painful past or struggle with every Jack and Jill, specially when such a person has not earned our trust, nor is he/she invested in us emotionally.

    • Hodan,

      You said, “Hodan: that is awful, why did no one stop the criminal doing that to her?….”

      Because most people, including law enforcement, know that it’s usually a lose-lose situation for the Good Samaritan who tries to intervene in a domestic violence situation. People who work in the court system know that these women will often attack anybody who tries to come to their rescue. These women will do this in defense of the man who, just a moment before, was beating her a**. Most of the time, it’s just not worth it for bystanders to directly intervene.

      I don’t know if this applies to this particular woman, but I’ll note that one of the battered BF attorney coworkers I mentioned in this post got very angry with the sheriffs in our court building for putting her DBRBM husband out of the building (after he got loud and threatening with her). She was also very angry at the BM colleague who had called for security to come remove the Negro in the first place.

      In this particular instance, I would guess the sheriffs who work in that court building and know that particular woman had correctly guessed that the foolish woman would turn on them—and try to sue them for so-called “police brutality” against her no-working-Negro husband if they had intervened.

      My guess: They were waiting to intervene ONLY at the point if and when she was physically “down for the count.” If she was laid out on the ground and unable to get up, then it would have been safer—in terms of later on down the line fending off a bs police brutality lawsuit from her in support of her DBR husband—for them to physically intervene.

      If there are witnesses who could describe her as down for count and on the ground, then it would be harder for her later on to claim that the sheriffs jumped on her DBR husband for no reason. Let me stress that this part is all speculation on my part. However, these are the sorts of mental calculations that people make.

      From what people I know described of it, she managed to stay on her feet during the attack. And she didn’t call out for any assistance during the attack. Nor did she seek any assistance after the Negro was through boxing her head, and drove off in her car.

      It was all foul…and distressing for the passersby.

      You said, “I can never relate to these type of situations and God forbid I’m stupid enough to allow such a man into my life.

      Guurl, I hear you.

      Expect Success!

      • I believe that’s why some black women get no assistance when they are attacked by a black man in public. Everyone assumes (unless they know the couple) that they are intimate, and he’s within his rights to give her some “love taps.”

        That was the number one reason I wouldn’t speak to or acknowledge some men on the street. I’m thinking: if he attacked me, would people think we’re a couple? ‘Cause in a lot of places when a black man is talking to a black woman, or is mouthing off at her, people see a couple. And if he starts attacking her, she’s in a lot of trouble.

        A black woman would have to scream, “I don’t know this man! Please help me.”

        • BettyChambers,

          I think you’ve misunderstood my comment. In the episodes that I’m talking about here, people weren’t reluctant to help these foolish battered women because they’re part of a couple.

          People are reluctant to help battered women because those who deal with battered women on a regular basis (like law enforcement) KNOW that most battered women usually turn on—and attack—the Good Samaritans who try to help them!

          Like the battered broad I mentioned who was angry with both the BM coworker who called building security, AND with the sheriffs in the building who put her domestically violent Negro out of the building. The reason the BM coworker called security in the first place was because the domestically violent Negro was getting loud and making physical threats against the woman—right there in public, in the workplace. He called security for HER safety.

          But she was angry with the BM coworker because because calling security caused her “DeShawn” to get ejected from the building. Even though this same “DeShawn” had been screaming at the top of his lungs about what he was going to do to her.

          Many battered women will either physically attack the people who try to rescue them. [With screams of “Don’t hurt DeShawn!”]

          Or they’ll attack the Good Samaritan in other ways—in the case of police, they’ll attack them later with bs police brutality accusations on behalf of their violent “DeShawns.”

          That’s the experience of everybody I know who was naive enough to try to help a battered woman. Battered women are hollering for help only while the man has his hands around her neck or is in the process of beating her a**.

          Five seconds later, they’re lovey-dovey again with that man, and then that same battered woman is FURIOUS with all the Good Samaritans who naively tried to help her. When they’re lovey-dovey again, the battered woman says that the Good Samaritans are “jealous,” and “haters,” and “trying to break up her relationship with her man.”

          People don’t want to help battered women because, by their behavior, many battered women have trained people to not want to help them. Too many battered women have burned the Good Samaritans who tried to help them.

          Expect Success!

        • ak says:

          You are in my head too much there, Betty!

  9. Faith,

    You said, “Not only does this current crop of crap music give me a headache but it’s all such negative reinforcement of indoctrination. JUST. SAY. NO!”

    ITA.

    You said, “Women need to be listening to “Ain’t Nothing Going On But the Rent” for starters and take it from there!”

    ITA. I remember the long faces that certain types of AA males would have when that song was played at parties. In retrospect, I realize that most of them were fatherless. I didn’t make this connection with fatherlessness at the time but, looking back at all of that, I now realize that’s what the dividing line was. Normal guys didn’t have much of a problem with that song; they thought it was funny. I guess because they fully expected to be able to meet the standards set by the song—they expected to be gainfully employed as adult men, and fully able to provide for a wife and children.
    ______________________________________

    JoyousNerd,

    You said, “You know, I feel a bit chagrined when I read the part about a mentality of hoarding money. This has been me for a very long time.”

    This was me in the past. That’s why I’ve been so impressed with Mr. Siebold’s book(s). I’m in various stages of reading all 3 of his books, but parts of what I’ve read so far have shocked me. Some of the things he’s said have prompted me to tighten-up my thinking about certain things. And to question some of my previously-unexamined assumptions.

    I’ll ‘fess up—LOL!: It can be hard sometimes to believe…to REALLY believe in a tangible way…in certain types of abundance. For many of us, much of our family and cultural programming revolves around different types of scarcity. My parents were children during the rationing of WWII. My grandparents were adults during the Depression. So, my overall family programming default setting is in favor of frugality, paying in cash, and saving. Overall, this has been good for me. Thus far, I’ve never had problems with consumer debt, or debt in general.

    However, the down side of only looking at the savings/frugality side of the equation is that opportunities for real wealth never even occur to us. A Jewish coworker explained this to me once. Now, this is a guy who owned a hot dog stand on campus with a bunch of his friends when he was in college. He said,

    There’s a giant carousel of money flying around in a big circle. It’s flying around in a circle overhead. The money is flying around because it prefers to stay in motion. It doesn’t like sitting around and getting stagnant.

    All people need to do is to reach up and grab handfuls of that money that’s continuously flying around. But most people don’t do that. They keep their noses to the grindstone and NEVER look up. So, they aren’t even aware of the money that’s flying around right over their heads.

    {sigh} All of this reminded me of a saying I’ve read. Something to the effect of “most people are too busy earning a living to make any real money.”

    You said, “When my first child was born, my husband made less money than he does now. We both wanted me at home full time and we had to scrimp to make that happen. We both got into a mindset of going to crazy extremes of frugality, when our focus would have been much better served by trying harder to create income.”

    It’s easy for responsible people to get off into extreme frugality.

    You said, “Instead we focused mostly on saving every nickel, to the point where my husband (unbenknownst to me) delayed changing the car’s oil till one day the engine exploded on the highway and he was nearly killed. That repair was NOT cheap. Hanging by hook or by crook onto every penny didn’t really get us that far, though we were able to save up the down payment for our home and rental property through severe cheapness lol.”

    OMG. I praise God that your husband is okay. I’m also glad you two were able to turn that extreme frugality into a tangible advantage with the properties.

    You said, “I remember a few years ago I was an avid reader of a femininity blog with a Christian bent, and a man posted that mothers like me were what he called “Little House on the Prairie” moms. He said that it was ludicrous for a college educated woman who could speak 3 languages (like me) to be spending 4 hours doing tasks like baking bread from scratch to save $2 when really that time would be better spent creating some income. The women on that blog went NUTS. Self included. You would have thought he called us out of our names lol.

    {chuckling} I suspect there was one main thing underlying that reaction: WW—particularly tradtional-lifestyle, Christian WW—are NOT going to cooperate with being pimped by a man! They won’t have any of that. They’re not raised to be mules. Especially if some man, any man, is saying anything that remotely sounds like renegotiating the terms of their marriages after they’ve settled into “stay at home-dom.” Alarms go off in a lot of WW’s heads when a guy says anything that sounds remotely like expecting mule service from them.

    Now, a few years later, I absolutely see what he meant and I WISH I had spent my time tutoring local kids in Spanish and French for $10/hr instead of trying to become a modern day Black Laura Ingalls. (Note to self, post tutoring ad on Craigslist tonight.)”

    In my view, here’s the critical factor in what he said: It wouldn’t be that deep for you to do some part-time language tutoring. The same type of WW I mentioned above don’t mind doing part-time work. As long as it’s kept lightweight. They’re NOT going to be seriously beating the streets working like a dog like so many AA women. NOT as married women. And so, the hysterical reaction to anything that even sounds like it might ultimately lead to being expected to beat the streets for real outside the home.

    I contrast what the gentleman was saying with another coworker’s (fatherless male AA) husband. He works for a living, but he was also pressuring her at one point to get a 2nd, real J-O-B in order to pay for the vacations he wanted them to take. She handled it gracefully. She never argued with him about it; or said anything about it. She simply never looked for a 2nd job. Of course, best of all would have been for her to have chosen a better man in the first place. But it is what it is.

    You said, “Oh, and the music with destructive programming is amazing. I bought a collection of Motown music to listen to in the car, and I am downright disgusted and horrified by the messages of settling for moldy crumbs and undying faithfulness to faithless men.”

    Oh yeah, it’s been foul for quite some time.
    __________________________________________________

    Vonnie,

    I also love the Supremes’ music. However, the message…AND Diana Ross…were foul. Was Berry Gordy married when she first hooked up with him?

    Expect Success!

    • KM says:

      Yes, Berry Gordy was married when Diana Ross hooked up with him. Such a foul, foul story. But when you look at some of the foul stories of these musicians, its no wonder that the music is foul.

      Personally, I love music and I love listening to music but I’ve definitely stopped having my headphones in my ears as much. I’ve cut back to on the train but now, I’m considering cutting back to just at home/gym. I’m no ones victim and I don’t want to give anyone the illusion that I’m going to be their victim.

      • KM,

        You said, “Yes, Berry Gordy was married when Diana Ross hooked up with him. Such a foul, foul story. But when you look at some of the foul stories of these musicians, its no wonder that the music is foul.”

        When you put it that way, then no—it’s not surprising at all. Feh.

        Expect Success!

        • Truth P says:

          I didn’t always realize how foul some of the older musicians songs were but I am reminded of that song “As We Lay” I think Shirley Murdock?made that song.It was a mess but she sure could sang.

          Thinking on the lives some of them have led I am always brought back to questioning who in the hay-el is Aretha’s baby daddy? When Fantasia won on A.I I was kinda upset and thought ol’ girl was a mess.Even though I was glad that she and the child wouldn’t have to suffer in poverty.It made me cringe seeing her on tv.

          Aretha seemed to really embrace her and I thought to myself that she was showing love for Fantasia a little too extra,even for a celebrity as they love all the attention they can get.Years later I learn some things about Aretha that I was never aware of being only in my 20’s.Her special love toward Fantasia started to kinda make more sense.It was so much more than the fact that Fanny sounds similar.

        • TruthP.,

          Oh…wow, I didn’t know any of that about Aretha Franklin. 🙁

          According to Wikipedia, it seems that she has more than one baby daddy. Starting with whoever it was that impregnated her and caused her to give birth when she was 13 (???-Oh my God) and 16 years old. She had another baby daddy later on as an adult, after one of her marriages.

          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aretha_Franklin#Personal_life

          Expect Success!

  10. Felicia says:

    Does anyone remember this flashback? It was the JAM…

    Yes, the protagonist is rough around the edges and not subtle with her desires, but at least she realizes that she deserves a working man.

    She realizes that she’s already struggling on her own, so why add an additional headache?

    She has the SAME standards as non indoctrinated non African-American women have when it comes to men.

    I know some fools today would most certainly consider this a “gold digger” song. But, to me it’s about empowerment. Don’t accept a less than man. In this case, an unemployed pretty boy who’s not going to add anything of substance to your life. Don’t accept anyone and anything that a white woman, Asian woman, etc… wouldn’t accept.

    Enjoy!

    AIN’T NOTHIN’ GOIN’ ON BUT THE RENT
    Album : Good To Go Lover
    (Gwen Guthrie)
    Gwen Guthrie – 1986

    Bill collectors at my door
    What can you do for me
    Hey

    No romance without finance
    No romance without finance

    Boy, nothin’ in life is free
    That’s why I’m askin’ you what can you do for me
    I’ve got responsibilities
    So I’m lookin’ for a man whose got money in his hands

    `Cause nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’
    You got to have somethin’ if you wanna be with me
    Oh, life is too serious, love’s too mysterious
    A fly girl like me needs security

    `Cause ain’t nothin’ goin’ on but the rent
    You got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me
    Ain’t nothin’ goin’ on but the rent
    You got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me

    No romance without finance
    I said no romance without finance

    Boy, you’re silky ways are sweet
    But you’re only wastin’ time if your pockets are empty
    I’ve got lots of love to give
    But I will have to avoid you if you’re unemployed

    `Cause nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’
    You got to have somethin’ if you wanna be with me
    `Cause life is too serious, love’s too mysterious
    A fly girl like me needs security

    `Cause ain’t nothin’ goin’ on but the rent
    You got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me
    Ain’t nothin’ goin’ on but the rent
    You got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me

    No romance without finance
    I said no romance without finance
    No romance without finance
    I said no romance without finance

    Oh, you look good to me
    Your silky words are sweet
    But your pockets sure look empty

    Ooh, nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’
    You got to have somethin’ if you wanna be with me
    Whoa, life is too serious, love’s too mysterious
    A fly girl like me needs security
    I said life is too serious, love’s too mysterious
    Fly girl like me needs security

    `Cause ain’t nothin’ goin’ on but the rent
    You got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me
    Ain’t nothin’ goin’ on but the rent
    You got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me

    No romance without finance
    No romance without finance
    No romance without finance
    I said no romance without finance

    What can you do for me
    Oh, you look good to me
    Your silky words are sweet
    But your pockets sure look empty

    Ain’t nothin’ goin’ on but the rent

    I’m lookin’ for a man to put some money in my hands

    Yes, the protaganist is rough around the edges and not subtle with her desires, but at least she realizes that she deserves a working man.

    She realizes that she can do bad on her own so why add an additional problem?

    • Felicia,

      {chuckling}

      Yes, Faith mentioned that song, and I talked about it during my reply to her comment. Rough around the egdes or not, the woman in that song had common sense! She’s absolutely right when she said,

      Oh, life is too serious, love’s too mysterious
      A fly girl like me needs security

      Since life IS serious and love CAN get very mysterious, a sensible woman must maximize the odds of a good outcome for herself and her future children.

      Expect Success!

    • ak says:

      This song is still one of my faves and it came out when I was a kid.

  11. Oshun/Aphrodite says:

    “Hodan: that is awful, why did no one stop the criminal doing that to her?….”

    @ Hodan and Khadija,

    I am shocked that these men did this to attorneys period. I would think the fact that they work with the law, have close working relationships with law enforcement, could possibly retaliate or whatever using the law would make these men think “well maybe I should be wary of acting a nut”…

    But lord that is too bold – I have no words.

    And I am not understanding the jealousy accusations from a woman who was marked for death.

    • Oshun/Aphrodite,

      The wife beaters did this because these women demonstrated throughout the “interview” process leading up to the start of full-blown a**-beatings that they would allow these men to get away with this. I will add that these men didn’t just wake up one day after they got married and start beating these foolish women. These males had been doing things all along to “interview” the women before they got married. My impression from what I’ve heard is that these predators were already full-blown beating these women’s a**es BEFORE they got married.

      I explained how this “Is it safe for me to beat you?” interview process works during the 28 Signs Of A Domestically Violent AA Male post,

      Domestically Violent Males Interview and “Screen” Prospective Female Victims
      The other thing that I’ve noticed about the domestically violent males I’ve represented is that they are not brave. They generally won’t attack some random, unknown woman. Nor do they attack a woman who has made it clear by her behavior that she would never put up with any of that. The physical, legal, and career risks of attacking such women are too high. Domestically violent men are not trying to end up with boiling water poured on their heads while they sleep. Or a bullet being put in their brains. Or their employment and career prospects destroyed because of a woman seeing their prosecution all the way through. Or some other unpredictable negative reaction from a woman who won’t tolerate abuse.

      Before he beats a woman, this type of male tries to confirm that he’s not dealing with the type of woman that might put a bullet in his brain, or pour boiling water on his head while he’s sleeping. They “interview” and test the women they interact with to see how much abuse a particular woman will tolerate. They do this by gradually escalating their controlling and disrespectful behavior. They start with “small,” verbally abusive behaviors and escalate upwards. When you continue to interact with them, you are giving them permission to escalate to the next level of attack. You place yourself in the “Safe to Abuse” category of women for these males when you continue reacting to them as if they’re normal people.

      My abusive male clients don’t mistreat every woman they are involved with. They abuse the women who let them abuse them. They abuse the women who continue through the abuse-interview-process.

      This is why it is so critical for women to drop and stop interacting with a man at the first hint of controlling, disrespectful behavior. If you keep dealing with him after he’s “shown out,” you have (in his mind) given him permission to continue and escalate that behavior. Once you’ve stuck with him that far through the process, then you really will need a gun and the aid of a SWAT team to get away from him.

      So, the domestically violent male usually starts with yelling at the woman. If she’s dumb enough to keep dealing with him, then he escalates to pushing her, then slapping her, then punching her. The final stage of this progression is when he kills her. I’ll note that none of the woman-beaters that I’ve represented (on other matters) who were convicted of killing their women expressed any remorse whatsoever for what they did. They were sorry that they were being punished for what they did, but that was it.

      You said, “And I am not understanding the jealousy accusations from a woman who was marked for death.”

      This woman simply did what many silly women do when presented with less serious warnings about a guy they’re involved with—ascribe it all to “jealousy” and “hateration.” It’s scary to see this in real life, but all those stupid slogans that stupid women use to justify staying with a man who cheats on them…

      …Well, women use these same stupid slogans to justify staying with a man who beats them, or rapes them during their relationship/marriage, or in this case—was trying to kill her for insurance money. It’s the SAME foolish woman behavior used in literally life-threatening circumstances.

      Expect Success!

  12. Muse says:

    You guys are killing me with these lame lyrics LOL. On a serious note, we may have jokes about the dysfunctional messages in these SOS songs, but music has such a strong influence in our culture. There are studies that prove music can change the thinking patterns in some individual. Young people are probably listening to this garage and subconsciously accepting the messages as truth. There is one song that drives me insane that I hear young people sing all the time called “toot it and boot it,” It’s basically about a male hooking up with a women at the club, having sex with her then kicking her out when he orgasms. How DEGRADING, yet stupid idiot females are singing this song as if it’s cute. That’s why we are seeing so much violence and misogyny in young Black men. When mainstream white society started noticing their young men acting foul because of Marilyn Manson and Eminem songs they put a stop to that nonsense ASAP, yet AA are embracing the toxic messages in some of these songs. I’m actually very mindful of what I listen to. There is a lot of music that’s spiritual poison. I don’t even bother with most artist or songs these days. I love classical music,, jazz, and some of the old school artists like Marvin Gaye, Bob Marley, Ella Fitzgerald, Sade, and Billie Holiday. I prefer music with soul and a valid message. I also like a lot of indie music like TV on the Radio and Thievery Corporation.

    In the future I would love to see my fellow Black women emancipate themselves from toxic environments and live a life abundantly. I will do my part in my personal life to uplift my girlfriends, encourage them to be better, and offer support for their endeavors. Despite all the doom and gloom in the news, so many of us are still in a privileged position living in America. We have opportunities to build a nest egg, find a quality man (if that’s what you desire), and enjoy life. If the past is any indicator of the future, there will always be a group of people who are bottom feeders in society. There will always be poor folks who suffer. However Black women don’t have to fall into this category. While there are those who suffer, there will always be a group of people who thrive regardless of the instability going on in the world. Black women are resourceful and have the ability to be part of the thriving class if we stopped playing around with our lives.

    I’ll admit that at times I’m spoiled, entitled, and believe I deserve the best in the world. I’m intelligent and work very hard. I also play hard as well because I deserve it. I travel the world and for every moron I meet, there are three awesome individuals who enrich my life in so many ways. These traits have prevented me from being used, abused, and discarded like trash. As long as I don’t hurt anyone in the process of accomplishing my goals or creating wealth then I’m going to continue to be the queen of my universe. In fact it wouldn’t hurt Black women to start getting a little snobby and entitled these days. It will cancel out the self-defeating behavior and attitudes that so many possess.

    • LaJane Galt says:

      music has such a strong influence in our culture. There are studies that prove music can change the thinking patterns in some individual.

      I2I

      There is something about music that is fundamental to the human condition. It never ceases to disappoint me that on one hand, people will dedicate their lives to making/enjoying music (positive effect), while on the other they will swear it has no deleterious effect on people.

    • SS says:

      “There are studies that prove music can change the thinking patterns in some individual”

      I totally agree with this statement. The kids listen to this nonsense and then we look askance when they practice the very deeds in the music.
      I went to a catholic school (very strict) as a very young girl and we were forced to listen to classical music every day. Classical music could be heard over the public speakers before classes in the morning and just before the afternoon session. The music had a way of calming nerves and putting one in the frame of mind for school work.

  13. Karen R. says:

    Great post. I will definitely be getting the books you mentioned “How the Rich Think” and “Die Fat or Get Tough.”

    As I was reading this post, I thought about how the physical presentation of many extremely overweight AA women attracts DBRBM, codependence and other foolishness. When you are obese, it is a sign of self-neglect, low self-regard, and is generally a sign of taking in garbage. Being obese is a woman’s apology to the world. It’s her perpetual “I’m sorry” and let’s everyone know that she does not do a lot of self care and on some level doesn’t believe she deserves much care.

    I know there are exceptions to the rule, ie. the overweight woman who is vegan for example, but generally, the extremely overweight AAW doesn’t feel good about herself, has an extremely low deserve level and is a dumping ground for her own and other people’s junk, physically and emotionally. Physical fitness can be a sign of emotional health, while obesity is a CLEAR sign that all is not well, despite the “I’m a Diva” protestations of some AA starlets.

    I cringe at the number of AA women who will spend $$ to see Tyler Perry’s movie this weekend looking to be “mirrored” or affirmed in lieu of visiting a therapist. Sure, some are going just to be entertained but many will go looking for their pain to be reflected on the silver screen and to try an make sense of past or current trauma. One of the biggest myths/frauds that have been perpetrated against AA women is the “all I need is Jesus” slogan. Not true. What is needed is psychology-a healing of the soul- so that we can heal, change and grow and enjoy all that is available to us.

    • joyousnerd says:

      When I hear “all I need is Jesus” I interpret that to mean “All I HAVE is Jesus”. Meaning that nobody supports that particular woman in any way whatsoever. I’m sure predators hear the same thing, sadly.

  14. Muse,

    You said, “You guys are killing me with these lame lyrics LOL. On a serious note, we may have jokes about the dysfunctional messages in these SOS songs, but music has such a strong influence in our culture. There are studies that prove music can change the thinking patterns in some individual. Young people are probably listening to this garage and subconsciously accepting the messages as truth.”

    Repeatedly hearing madness serves to normalize madness.

    You said, “There will always be poor folks who suffer. However Black women don’t have to fall into this category. While there are those who suffer, there will always be a group of people who thrive regardless of the instability going on in the world. Black women are resourceful and have the ability to be part of the thriving class if we stopped playing around with our lives.”

    Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! 🙂
    ____________________________________________

    KarenR.,

    I think it works as Tracy explained in a comment during another conversation: Male predators like a woman who has fewer dating options—that makes it more likely that she’ll put up with mistreatment from him.

    You said, “I cringe at the number of AA women who will spend $$ to see Tyler Perry’s movie this weekend looking to be “mirrored” or affirmed in lieu of visiting a therapist. Sure, some are going just to be entertained but many will go looking for their pain to be reflected on the silver screen and to try an make sense of past or current trauma.”

    {shudder} AA women have got to stop doing that; and start getting professional counseling to help deal with their traumas.

    You said, “One of the biggest myths/frauds that have been perpetrated against AA women is the “all I need is Jesus” slogan. Not true. What is needed is psychology-a healing of the soul- so that we can heal, change and grow and enjoy all that is available to us.”

    Thank you! I firmly believe that God allowed the field of psychology to exist for the same reasons He allowed modern medicine to progress—for alleviating human suffering. Folks need to start taking advantage of the help that’s available.

    Expect Success!

    • ak says:

      Khadija:

      I firmly believe that God allowed the field of psychology to exist for the same reasons He allowed modern medicine to progress—for alleviating human suffering. Folks need to start taking advantage of the help that’s available.

      No, thank YOU! I am tired of black people especially ‘church’ black people putting what is only the studying of the mind and the studying of human behavior on the opposite side of God all the time. And these people will be begging for help from the Lord!

      You could try and argue and say ‘But black people don’t think anything of going to a medical doctor or a hospital meanwhile they criticize going to a therapist’ but the truth is black people don’t even like making time for that either, until it’s way too late.

  15. Evia says:

    I firmly believe that God allowed the field of psychology to exist for the same reasons He allowed modern medicine to progress—for alleviating human suffering. Folks need to start taking advantage of the help that’s available.

    Khadija, honestly, I realize that many bw go to therapist for a whole host of reasons and many could and do get certain types of help, but I personally can’t imagine going to the typical bw therapist for bw’s liberation type help because the typical bw therapist is most probably a subscriber to the “black party line.” Even with the best of intentions, she will therefore try to keep bw in bondage to the bc and bm. There is the highest probability that she too is in bondage to a great extent, just like those bw lawyers who are your colleagues. Nothing or very little that an AA woman therapist suggests or prescribes is likely to stray outside or far outside those perimeters.

    I listen carefully to what many bw so-called leaders, politicians, clergy, heads of this and that, etc. say and I watch the ones I know offline to see how they live their lives. The vast majority of them are save alla our people types. They are very definitely in bondage to the bc, bm, and/or the “black party line.”

    This is why the typical black Christian woman can go to church forever and continue to have the SAME problems or even worse problems. No one around her is going to tell her to stop being a mule, stop giving without receiving reciprocity, stop waiting for her Mr. Right bm and to freely date and mate in the global village, etc. That’s considered heretical, traitorous talk.

    It’s an humbling experience to be a pioneer on this new frontier, but it’s a FACT that the collection of our type BWIR/BWE blogs are offering the MOST empowering, revolutionary, FREEING information and support that bw are getting ANYWHERE in the entire world. SMH. At first, I used to not believe that when people pointed that out since what I write in my essays is just common sense to me. However, in the 4 years I’ve been online, I have not run across this type of bw’s liberation knowledge ANYWHERE online or even offline.

    So if a bw in Middletown, Arkansas wants to get some genuine freedom help, who and where can she go to for advise and support in Middletown, Arkansas?

    Another thing is that the knowledge we dispense has also greatly improved the lives of many of our detractors and outright enemies. LOL! They, of course, will never admit it. This is the reason why NONE of them will ever stop reading or combing through everything we say. And the day that we go dark is going to be one of the saddest days of their lives.

    • Karen R says:

      @Evia

      You are very wise to point out this distinction. I personally had an experience went I went to a AAW counselor over 10 years ago. I was dealing with a DBRBM preacher who was involved sexually with SEVERAL women at the church. One woman was a pretty close acquaintance who told me about what was going on. To make a looooooong story short, the counselor looked at me and said “well, noboby is perfect afterall he’s just a man.” This was at our first meeting. Internally I gave her a major side-eye and thankfully had enough sense to never go back to her and I also left that church NEVER to attend an all-black church again.

      I can attest to what you are saying to be true. For example, that former church had a counseling ministry and I know that counselors as well as teachers, etc. have a duty to warn, report and to protect. This pastor is still in the pulpit. At the very least he should have been sat down, required to go into therapy, etc. but the enablers who included trained therapists minimized the issue. So….back to your point, many AAW therapists are very invested in maintaining the status quo and keeping AAW’s mindsets entrapped.

    • Oshun/Aphrodite says:

      I wanted to co-sign this on BW therapists.

      In my experience (there have been 3 BW therapists) they didn’t acknowledge the pain or damage of intra racism/colorism or what has now been named as racio-misogyny at all.

      Also another thing to watch out for, if you are sensitive to it, are therapists (not just BW) who are “sympathetic” to predators. That is an issue for me.

      I have a friend whose counseling specialty is sexual abuse survivors, but she also counsels abusers. Some professionals, like her, think that some types of predators can be “rehabilitated”. They think that the predators are wounded or have severe problems relating to adults etc..

      I have also come across one spiritual counselor (nonBW) who was anti-woman.

      So attitudes like this – you may want to scope out during the interview process.

      • ak says:

        OK NOW I’m just frightened OK? LOL

        • Oshun/Aphrodite says:

          Ak, maybe it wold help if you thought of it as buying a house or a car. You want to put that much care and thought into it, but you also have power. You can walk away.

          Therapists are like any other professional some are really good, others are good enough for a purpose, and some graduated on the D curve.

          In addition to having a focus or goal for the therapy as Khadija suggested you can ask questions. You have a consult 1st before having sessions and the therapist is evaluating you via questions to see if you are a good fit for him/her and you can do the same.

          You can ask pointed questions about their approach, their practice, ask do you think molesters can be rehabilitated if this is what you are dealing with, ask general questions (without leading) to see how they feel about BW or women’s issues.

    • ak says:

      Evia:

      Khadija, honestly, I realize that many bw go to therapist for a whole host of reasons and many could and do get certain types of help, but I personally can’t imagine going to the typical bw therapist for bw’s liberation type help because the typical bw therapist is most probably a subscriber to the “black party line.”

      Evia may have stumbled on to something here. Maybe it’s good that I am inadvertently switching therapists right now, because I only just started seeing a black woman qualified pschycotherapist who sounded calm and rational but you never know what the future will bring until it gets here….

    • Faith Dow says:

      It is difficult to find a qualified therapist period. Since the race of doctors aren’t usually listed under insurance plans it’s hard to find black women therapists who are also covered under a lot of plans to begin with. The there’s those patients who go for years and never seriously resolve things. Then you have to vet a therapist. When you’re already under distress in the first place that’s next to impossible. I’ve had some unqualified hacks that gave me bad advice, some closet ultra-conservative ones with a religious agenda trying to steer me in a certain direction and some who are stuck in their views of black women.

      I’ll use another example as when certain white women will tell a BW that’s she’s pretty and doesn’t need to lose weight when she expresses a desire to change. The conversations we’ve had at these blogs have helped me tremendously. I know I’ve been in my head a lot these past two years dealing with distancing myself from the indoctrination, DBRs and personal bad habits but I can attest what we’ve discussed here has been far more useful to me.

      When I go back I will be using this template as my model to measure progress. I think we could all benefit from useful evaluations of where our lives are wherever that comes from.

  16. Bellydancer says:

    I tried to tell one of my friends who had an abusive husband whenever she would say “jehova doesn’t like divorce” I told her jehova doesn’t want you to keep taking those a** whoopings either”
    she finally put him out.

  17. Evia,

    You said, “Khadija, honestly, I realize that many bw go to therapist for a whole host of reasons and many could and do get certain types of help, but I personally can’t imagine going to the typical bw therapist for bw’s liberation type help because the typical bw therapist is most probably a subscriber to the “black party line.” Even with the best of intentions, she will therefore try to keep bw in bondage to the bc and bm. There is the highest probability that she too is in bondage to a great extent, just like those bw lawyers who are your colleagues. Nothing or very little that an AA woman therapist suggests or prescribes is likely to stray outside or far outside those perimeters.”

    Unfortunately, this is true. It’s very similar to Muslims seeking counseling—they need to bypass 95%+ of Muslim therapists because these people are part of the problem. However, there are a few strategies that BW can use to try to better maneuver those particular rocks and shoals. Let me speak directly to the listening audience now:

    (1) Most of all, DON’T wait until you’re at wit’s end to seek out some help. Seek help before things get so bad that you’re in the middle of a full-blown emotional crisis. If you wait until you’re at wit’s end, you’ll be too upset to think clearly enough to even evaluate the value of the counseling that you’re getting. IF you do this, then you can do the following steps.

    (2) Decide in advance what exactly it is that you want to get out of your interactions with any therapist. What is your primary therapeutic goal? What problem are you going there to solve? People who go into transactions with fuzzy or nonextistent expectations usually don’t get the most possible out of the transaction.

    (3) Make a mental deadline for seeing some measurable progress as a result of the counseling. I would suggest a deadline of 3-6 months to see some measurable progress in your emotional life. It’s not enough to say, “Oh, I understand my issues better.” You’re not seeing a therapist “to understand” anything. You’re going there to get some emotional tools that will help you get past and move beyond whatever problem you went there to solve.

    And by measurable, I mean that you should have your therapist give you a list of some self-report, professionally-designed inventories that you can take when you start seeing the therapist. And then take it again a couple of months later to more objectively see where your head is at after you’ve had a couple of months of counseling. For one example, I’m thinking of self-reported scales like the Beck Depression Inventory. Whatever your presenting problem is (anxiety, depression, etc.), you should ask the therapist for a list of self-administered scales like the Beck Depression Inventory.

    Do y’all see that you won’t be able to do any of this if you wait until you’re in the middle of an emotional collapse before you seek help? It’s impossible to be an effective consumer of ANY type of professional service—including therapy services—if you wait until you have some sort of crisis before you get the service. It’s similar to waiting until you get indicted for tax fraud before you see an accountant to have that person review your business receipts. Don’t do that.
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Evia, you said, “It’s an humbling experience to be a pioneer on this new frontier, but it’s a FACT that the collection of our type BWIR/BWE blogs are offering the MOST empowering, revolutionary, FREEING information and support that bw are getting ANYWHERE in the entire world. SMH. At first, I used to not believe that when people pointed that out since what I write in my essays is just common sense to me. However, in the 4 years I’ve been online, I have not run across this type of bw’s liberation knowledge ANYWHERE online or even offline.”

    I find that to be a scary and infuriating circumstance. It’s not supposed to be left up to somebody like me to be one of the few people “at the microphone” dealing with this kind of stuff. I’m not trained to be a preacher or teacher, and I don’t have the sort of patient temperament that’s usually best for that sort of thing. THIS sort of work is what “bw so-called leaders, politicians, clergy, heads of this and that, etc.” are SUPPOSED to be doing. Instead of leaving it up to random laypeople like us…

    You said, “Another thing is that the knowledge we dispense has also greatly improved the lives of many of our detractors and outright enemies. LOL! They, of course, will never admit it. This is the reason why NONE of them will ever stop reading or combing through everything we say. And the day that we go dark is going to be one of the saddest days of their lives.”

    I must admit that this angle annoys me. I HATE the idea of inadvertently helping those scumbags. But that’s the price tag of using a public forum—I want this information to reach as many BW as possible. However, there are specific high-value leads, tips and other information that I only mention to regular commenters when they contact me by email. 🙂
    __________________________________________________

    Bellydancer,

    I’m glad your friend eventually woke up. {shaking my head}

    Expect Success!

    • ak says:

      Khadija:

      (2) Decide in advance what exactly it is that you want to get out of your interactions with any therapist. What is your primary therapeutic goal? What problem are you going there to solve? People who go into transactions with fuzzy or nonextistent expectations usually don’t get the most possible out of the transaction.

      (3) Make a mental deadline for seeing some measurable progress as a result of the counseling. I would suggest a deadline of 3-6 months to see some measurable progress in your emotional life. It’s not enough to say, “Oh, I understand my issues better.” You’re not seeing a therapist “to understand” anything. You’re going there to get some emotional tools that will help you get past and move beyond whatever problem you went there to solve.

      Thank you again. When I saw the first therapist not that long ago I was very clear and got it ALL off my chest and told her that I wanted to change my life, make it better, and get rid of my problems or deal with them effectively.

      • squarlymade says:

        Good for you! I would like tips on how to choose the right therapist.
        For instance I had a friend/associate, and we would on occasion engage in ‘deep’ conversation. She wasn’t a bw but she spoke to me about her sexual abuse that she went through. She would always finish it up by saying that she ‘over came’ it and is getting her education. However she was very promiscuous before she got married. She, completed her masters and is now a counselor at an elementary school. Whenever she walks down the hall she greets the little girls with ‘hey, I like you shirt’, even a few kids came up to her and asked her, Mrs. —-, do you like my sweater/shirt/jacket. I can see clearly that she is imparting this idea of ‘looking likable to others’ into these girls. I believe that is a result of the trauma she experienced, but she believes she ‘over came’ it by getting an education. I guess my point is, how do you seek out a healthy counselor.

        • Oshun/Aphrodite says:

          Squarelymade,

          There are some good ones out there. Just take your time in selecting one and ask lots of questions. Compile a list of questions specific to your issues to suss them out and see what they’re all about.

          Research the different approaches: Rogerian, Jungian, family constellation, hypnotherapy, etc.. and ask for specifics concerning theirs.

          Pay attention to how they behave, conduct business, and present themselves. I had a life coach practice that wanted to make me wait 3 months for my first session. I had one potential counselor criticize a patient in front of me upon meeting her. I didn’t know the client but still. These are obvious things.

          Look at their expressions and body language during the consult. Trust your instincts.

          Also it is common for many psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, and therapists to be survivors of some sort themselves.

          I would be wary of anyone who claims that they are over the abuse or totally healed. Especially if they are a counselor.

          I don’t think that anyone is doomed to be stuck – in pain, dysfunction, rage etc… I think things can get substantially better, more functional, getting to a point of exceptional thriving, but being as if it never happened – no.

          And if they are a counselor who has had various issues and they admit that they have not done any therapy or healing on themselves RUN!

          I had one counselor acquaintance say something similar to me (being over it/healed) and yet she weighs nearly 400 pounds and can’t walk or sit in regular chairs. I had another say that to me (she is soo healed) and yet she (unknowingly) allowed a pedo around her husband and children (in their home – thats where she does her counseling). There is another who almost has her PhD, and was engaged to a man whom she later found kporn on his computer.

          And I’m just throwing this out there bc I don’t know how vulnerable someone may be, but if your issue is sexual then do not deal with anyone who wants to conduct “some sexual healing”. Some therapists think it is ok to experiment in this area or even sleep with clients and this has nothing to do with gender. I know there are some so called legit “sexual surrogates” blah blah, but I would suggest this be avoided and guarded against.

          • ak says:

            Thank God mine isn’t sexual really the, but other pressing issues! Yeah I’ve heard of those who sleep with patients to supposedly heal the patients, but no that’s not for me!

  18. Evia says:

    I must admit that this angle annoys me. I HATE the idea of inadvertently helping those scumbags.

    This is EXACTLY the reason why I decided to sell my more precious gems of common sense to anyone who will pay, including those ‘scumbags.’

    I found out the true value of some of what I write when I made my blog private a few years ago. I got quite a bit of HATE mail that tried to pressure me to go public again, as well as volumes of other notes begging me to make it public again. Of course, the hate notes really roasted me for going private. Now THAT did shock me. When haters take the time to write long, detailed hate notes, that IS saying something!

    The question was WHY did the haters care so much? That’s when I realized how valuable some of the common sense I write is to some of the various haters and naysayers.

    We AA women are unique. Nobody else talks as openly as we do. Unfortunately, this works to our disadvantage many times. This is why I’ve encouraged bw to learn the art of smiling and talking without saying anything. This technique is used a lot by SOME white and African women that I’ve observed and I do take note of different cultural communication patterns. These other women tend to smile and chitchat but later on, you can’t remember what they said because nothing they said was concrete or memorable. LOL!

    But when AA women talk, what we say tends to be concrete AND memorable. LOL!

    Initially, I would sit around these other women and wonder why don’t they just come out and SAY something??? But I then realized that if they don’t say anything concrete, they then don’t reveal much and have more wiggle room.

    Anyway, more people than we realize “study” us, learn from us and like our openness for other reasons.

    Some wm, for ex, have told me that many ww are too secretive/evasive, so a man doesn’t know where he stands with them. These wm say this is one reason they prefer AA women. They feel we are SO open and therefore less manipulative since we ‘let it all hang out.’

    My older bm cousin said that some bm also like the way some AA women talk so much because if an AA woman asks a bm a question and the guy doesn’t say much, she will start talking and fill in the blanks in a more positive way than he was thinking. This gets the guy off the hook or gives him other advantages. For ex., he said that if the bm pauses before he starts to answer, she will say something like, “You probably think this or that . . . . ” whereas the guy wasn’t thinking anything or definitely wasn’t thinking what she thought. This also allows the man to peek into her mind and gives him what he needs to play along to more easily get what he wants.

    Another ex.

    She: “What are your feelings about marriage?”

    He: (Pauses or fidgets) “Well, I-uh, I-uh. Maybe uh . . . . .”

    She: “Well, I’m not saying I want to get married right away, but I would like to get married one of these days.”

    BINGO! She has divulged her whole position right there. He knows he can string her along. And later, he can claim that he never told her he wanted to get married, which is true.

    He said he’s heard bm discussing that “technique” to use with bw.

    Another thing about our freebies–and this is something for us all to think about. You’ve often talked about how AAs often, in effect, knock down the “goodies door,” and then other groups go in and get the goodies for free without giving us anything in return. Well, in essence, this is exactly what we are doing on our sites. LOL! If you notice, practically ALL of us with these sites are AA women, but a whole lot of women AND men too of other races and ethnicities, including our attackers, are reading our sites and benefiting and getting lots of info.

    I think that we AAs tend to knock down the doors because AAs are in the GREATEST need, but in doing so, we have to expect that others are going to help themselves for free. And there’s no way we can force them to reciprocate.

    I’ve been pleased and am grateful for the generous number of subscribers to my newsletters, for ex., however, many other bw who could have benefited a lot from the contents didn’t. Since many AAs obviously feel entitled to free this and that–if we AA women want to help the maximum # of other AA women, that, in a sense, forces some of us to give the info away for free, to everybody.

    Another aspect is that some of these others are in the position to much more easily and quickly use the information.

    • Evia,

      Guurl, you’ve said a mouthful. I could write a book about these particular behaviors you’ve described. You said, “This is EXACTLY the reason why I decided to sell my more precious gems of common sense to anyone who will pay, including those ’scumbags.’

      I found out the true value of some of what I write when I made my blog private a few years ago. I got quite a bit of HATE mail that tried to pressure me to go public again, as well as volumes of other notes begging me to make it public again. Of course, the hate notes really roasted me for going private. Now THAT did shock me. When haters take the time to write long, detailed hate notes, that IS saying something!

      The question was WHY did the haters care so much? That’s when I realized how valuable some of the common sense I write is to some of the various haters and naysayers.”

      Imma do some more of our traditional AA real talk for a minute. LOL!

      Why I Feel That Detractors/Opponents Who Want To Skate Off MY Information—Especially While Slandering Me—Are Scumbags. I don’t mind an honorable detractor/opponent. What I can’t stand is “N.S.” I think most of us know what “N.S.” stands for. For example, even though I think very, very little of the anti-AA racist Tigger Woods, I give Tigger credit that he didn’t try to come running back to Black folks during his time of embarassing crisis. He stayed Cablinasian; and he stayed “out there.” I can appreciate that.

      It’s only a trifling, worthless “N” that wants to bite the hand while it accepts food from that same hand! I HATE that welfare bum, ingrate type of behavior. I also despise individuals with the “N mentality” who specialize in nipping and biting the hands that feed them. And then these same “Ns” get angry when the hand STOPS feeding their scornful, trifling behinds. As far as I’m concerned, these types of individuals are pieces of feces that need to be flushed away. Into the sewer where they belong. Quickly. It’s those types of pieces of feces individuals that have historically brought down every AA organization and movement. They sucked various leaders and movements dry while simultaneously slandering and backstabbing them. So, I’m being somewhat more polite by saying “scumbag.”

      This type of N.S., welfare bum mentality is at the core of what happened when you went private a few years back. All these BF intellectual welfare queens with a scornful attitude about your blog were enraged when you cut off their free life-tips public aid.

      That period of time when there was that great hue and cry and uproar about you going private is around the time I first became aware of you. I didn’t understand what those shrieking voices were screaming about. It all seemed quite straightforward to me: Nobody is obligated to share anything, including information. And if somebody decides that they no longer wish to give charity, then they’re TOTALLY entitled to withold their information from those folks who refuse to offer fair value in exchange for the information. Folks are also NOT obligated to sell valuable information. They’re perfectly entitled to keep it a secret.

      Here’s the angle that p*ssed me off about that particular set of detractors:

      If they sincerely felt that what you were talking about wasn’t worth anything—as they liked to SAY—then it should not have mattered to them that you took your so-called “ain’t about nuthin” blog OUT of the freebie category.

      On the other hand, if these same detractors felt the need to scream—and dare I say plot, scheme, and CONNIVE—to try get up into your so-called “ain’t about nuthin” private blog…then they should have been man and woman enough to at least tell the truth about the value of what you had been sharing for free. I can’t stand childish, intellectually dishonest people who refuse to give credit where it’s due. I don’t have to be in love with somebody to give them their fair “props.” For one of many examples, I DON’T respect or admire Elijah Muhammad, but I tell the truth and give credit for his accomplishments.

      I Hate That Nickel and Dime “N.S.” That AAs Reserve Only For Other AAs. The True Motive is Crabs In A Barrel, Not Frugality. I was outdone to read several cullud girls’ comments about my book that talked about whether or not it “was a good value for the money.” This is because the book is a compilation of blog posts from the previous blog. Let me speak directly to the cullud girls who think like that:

      If you have to agonize over whether spending $13.63 or $11.84 from Amazon.com for potentially life-saving and definitely life-enhancing information is a “good value” for you—then please KEEP YOUR PENNIES IN YOUR PURSE! Baby Girl, please DON’T buy the book if that’s how you’re living right now!

      And really, Dear Hearts, let’s be real. You flapping your lips over whether spending $13.63 or $11.84 from Amazon.com for potentially life-saving and definitely life-enhancing information is a “good value” for you is NOT about frugality. It’s about your deep-seated fear that some other AA woman (in this case, me) might get paid some extra money.

      You hate that thought. In fact, the idea that some other AA woman might get some money makes you sick to your stomach. I’ve watched crabs in a barrel like you all my life. The same “N”-crabs who agonize over spending $5, $10, or God forbid $15+ with another Black person don’t blink an eye to spend much more money with nonblacks. Without questions. Without issues. Without agonizing over the purchase.

      I Know That A Disproportionate Percentage Of The Blog Readers Who Actively Support, And ACT ON The Information Given Here Are “Foreign-Background” Black Women. I know that a disproportionate chunk of the BW who will be quick to act on the information that I freely share here are so-called “foreign background” BW. I know how my own ethnic group likes to “do.” We are extremely passive people who are waiting for somebody else to rescue us.

      The only time AAs get some pep in our step is when it comes to engaging in crab in a barrel activities. Then we’re full of vim and vigor! LOL!

      Immigrant-background Black folks aren’t as indoctrinated into passivity as the vast majority of AAs. It’s a shame, but I can often tell from the productive and energetic comments that some folks are saying, that they’re probably not from an all-AA family background. I know that most of the AA reading audience is passively sitting around reading the posts here purely as entertainment. That’s their choice. My conscience is clear because I made my charitable contribution by giving the information.
      +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

      As far as the big-mouth, blabbermouth behavior by most AA women:

      Evia, I feel that this isn’t just a cultural dysfunction—it’s a result of most AA women never being allowed to have boundaries. I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. I believe there are several interlocking things going on with this:

      (1) The childish, gullible AA cultural bias that believes “My life is an open book” is a good thing. I’ve heard so many AA women proudly make this statement, that I’ve stopped bothering to ask them why they feel this is a good thing. Or more specifically, why they feel that this is a good thing for them. Over and over, these women blab all sorts of personal information (including the therapy talk) and then are shocked when people misuse that information in order to exploit or hurt them.

      (2) AA women being raised to live like prisoners who have no expectation of privacy. Finally, I realized that it’s not just the magical thinking (“If I’m open with others, they’ll be open with me”) and plain stupidity involved in this. It’s because most AA women grow up and live in environments where they’ve never been allowed to set boundaries. Just like prisoners in prison are not allowed to set most types of boundaries with the prison guards.

      The same way prisoners have no expectation of privacy, most AA women have been indoctrinated to have no expectation of privacy. The same way the prison guard is entitled to rifle through prisoner’s belongings, is the same way AA women feel the public at large is entitled to rifle through their personal details. The prison guard does not have to earn access to a prisoner’s belonging by demonstrating trustworthiness (or anything else).

      The indoctrination has escalated to the point that most AA women don’t even comprehend the idea of privacy or how it works. In fact, they’re angry when another AA woman sets boundaries of any sort. I’ve had a couple of run-ins with deranged AA women caseworkers at work about this. Here’s the crazy interaction that I’ve had twice over the past 2 months:

      Me: {I give the caseworker my business card} Here’s my business card.

      Nutty AA female caseworker: Oh, what’s your direct extension?

      Me: I don’t give out my direct number.

      Nutty AA female caseworker #1: I’ve never had anybody have a problem with this before.

      Me: {blank stare, while I change the subject as if she hadn’t said that nonsense}
      ________________________

      With nutty AA female caseworker #2, the final exchange was:

      Me: I don’t give out my direct number.

      Nutty AA female caseworker #2: So nobody can leave you messages after 5:00 p.m. or on the weekends?

      Me: {blank stare, dead silence for a few beats, then I change the subject as if she hadn’t said that nonsense}

      What struck me was that these women were genuinely angry. Which was yet another bizarre thing about their reactions. To me, a direct extension is one of several things that if the person doesn’t freely offer it on their own, then it’s probably not cool to ask them for it. You certainly don’t try to pressure somebody to give it to you.

      In all the years I’ve been working, and at various jobs, I’ve never encountered this before. Then I realized these women were angry because they aren’t comfortable setting boundaries with people. Later on, one of these caseworkers was complaining that one of my Crazy For Real clients was calling her on her personal cell phone 20+ times a day. I didn’t bother to ask, “Why would you give any client your personal cell phone number? Including this woman, that you already knew was mentally ill?”

      Anyhoo, I’m saying all of this to say that the typical modern AA woman generally doesn’t feel entitled to be evasive and to play any of her cards close to her chest. And she feels that she’s being “mean” or “sneaky” or “rude” if she doesn’t spill her guts and give other people the personal information they can use to beat her over the head.

      Expect Success!

      • foreverloyal says:

        I Hate That Nickel and Dime “N.S.” That AAs Reserve Only For Other AAs. The True Motive is Crabs In A Barrel, Not Frugality. I was outdone to read several cullud girls’ comments about my book that talked about whether or not it “was a good value for the money.” This is because the book is a compilation of blog posts from the previous blog. Let me speak directly to the cullud girls who think like that:

        If you have to agonize over whether spending $13.63 or $11.84 from Amazon.com for potentially life-saving and definitely life-enhancing information is a “good value” for you—then please KEEP YOUR PENNIES IN YOUR PURSE! Baby Girl, please DON’T buy the book if that’s how you’re living right now!

        And really, Dear Hearts, let’s be real. You flapping your lips over whether spending $13.63 or $11.84 from Amazon.com for potentially life-saving and definitely life-enhancing information is a “good value” for you is NOT about frugality. It’s about your deep-seated fear that some other AA woman (in this case, me) might get paid some extra money.

        You hate that thought. In fact, the idea that some other AA woman might get some money makes you sick to your stomach. I’ve watched crabs in a barrel like you all my life. The same “N”-crabs who agonize over spending $5, $10, or God forbid $15+ with another Black person don’t blink an eye to spend much more money with nonblacks. Without questions. Without issues. Without agonizing over the purchase.

        To borrow a phrase commonly used by Monica Mingo: “DA HELL!?”

        Though I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I belong to a popular hair forum that was free at first. The owner started charging $5 a year to join. $5! Do you know that members would rave about how great the site was. Once she went to charging, many people suddenly weren’t sure the info was worth it, when “other sites had the same info for free” SMDH.

        Every once in awhile, people would ask, what does she need the money for, what are the costs involved in running a site. Thankfully several people pointed out what you said, that these people wouldn’t ask any other businesses to justify their prices by listing their costs and effort. They would just pay up!

        This behavior/attitude is at the root of why we don’t have a large and thriving entrepreneurship class.

        Evia, I remember people catching a ‘tude when you talked about going private. It had a whole lot of “who do you think YOU are” flavor to it. How dare you not give info for free!

        I have bought both the Sojourner’s Passport and Evia’s first book.

        Christmas/Eid/Hanukkah is coming up, people. Let’s make it a BWE season.

      • ForeverLoyal,

        You said, “Though I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I belong to a popular hair forum that was free at first. The owner started charging $5 a year to join. $5! Do you know that members would rave about how great the site was. Once she went to charging, many people suddenly weren’t sure the info was worth it, when “other sites had the same info for free” SMDH.

        Every once in awhile, people would ask, what does she need the money for, what are the costs involved in running a site. Thankfully several people pointed out what you said, that these people wouldn’t ask any other businesses to justify their prices by listing their costs and effort. They would just pay up!”

        Guurl, crabs-in-a-barrel-cullud-folks are craay-zee. Let me highlight a few aspects of why this type of mentality is just plain stupid—It’s stupid even in terms of the idiotic, crab in a barrel, individual AA consumer (in addition to being collectively destructive to our own ethnic group).

        (1) No, if people are honest, then they’ll admit that they won’t find the discussions and insights shared by BWE and BF-IRR bloggers anywhere else. Nobody else is giving concrete, actionable, and specifically-tailored for our collective circumstances information to AA women who want to live well.

        (2) Whatever other types of information you can find for free on the internet, you’ll spend a lot of man-hours digging around for it and putting it together. Think—how much do you get paid per hour? How much is an hour of your time worth?

        When you pay for various bloggers’ offerings, you are paying for the convenience of somebody else doing the research and putting it all together for you—thereby saving you a lot of YOUR time and energy.

        My hourly rate costs so much more than anything I’ve seen the bloggers charging for their various offerings! So, if I spend hours digging around for the same information that somebody else has gotten together and organized for a fee, unless they’re charging an arm and a leg—I’m LOSING money by spending my precious time like that.

        Maybe those silly cullud girls at the hair forum are valued at LESS THAN $5/a year. Maybe an hour of these cullud girls’ time is only worth a penny or a nickel; or maybe even a whole dime. If so, then I can see why they would be uptight about spending five whole dollars on anything.

        But that’s NOT me. And that’s also not any sensible, employed adult who values their time.

        You said, “This behavior/attitude is at the root of why we don’t have a large and thriving entrepreneurship class.”

        Indeed. This is also why most AAs aren’t going anywhere productive in life. You can’t nickel and dime your way into any sort of abundance.

        You said, “Christmas/Eid/Hanukkah is coming up, people. Let’s make it a BWE season.”

        Hear, hear! ITA!

        Expect Success!

      • Zoopath says:

        Well, I for one was glad that I was able to offer some form of monetary compensation for the valuable infomation you’ve provided to me since I began reading your blog. You’re very gracious to still keep the previous blog up for people to view for free.

  19. HR Professional says:

    Betty Chambers said: I believe that’s why some black women get no assistance when they are attacked by a black man in public. That was the number one reason I wouldn’t speak to or acknowledge some men on the street. A black woman would have to scream, “I don’t know this man! Please help me.”

    I had a situation like that in high school. I had just come from getting my hair done. I thought I was looking rather cute, LOL. Well, some old guy standing in the doorway of an apartment building said “Hey Sweetie”. I did not respond. I knew from his tone that he did not mean it in the way a man of his advanced age should have meant it. He said “I know you hear me, come here, girl”. He was speaking very menacingly. At this point, I was walking even faster. He tried to keep up with me. He began to run after me. I took off like Flo Jo and left his pervy self behind. I said all that to say, 1. I was totally, paying attention to my surroundings, thank God. 2. Anyone who saw perv running after me (I was on a busy and main thoroughfare, did not stop, honk their horn or scream to the tops of their lungs to stop him (Betty’s points). When I think about it, I sometimes give them the benefit of the doubt by saying maybe they thought he was my dad. Then I’m like, no, I am sure I had the look of sheer terror on my face…

    As for music, who could forget the 1980’s classic by Shirley Murdock As We Lay

    It’s morning,
    and we slept the night away
    It happened,
    now we can’t turn back the hands of time
    (oh no)

    Yes we’ve stolen this moment,
    We forgot to face, one simple fact
    We both belong to some else
    As we slept, the night away

    It’s morning
    And now it’s time for us to say goodbye
    Goodbye baby
    you’re leaving me,
    I know you got to hurry home to face your wife, whoa
    I would never want to hurt her no
    She would never understand
    You belonged to me for
    just one night
    as we slept the night away…

    • ak says:

      HR Professional:

      When I think about it, I sometimes give them the benefit of the doubt by saying maybe they thought he was my dad. Then I’m like, no, I am sure I had the look of sheer terror on my face…

      You know, sometimes I think ‘they’ actually LIKE the look of terror we have on our faces? But I already know the answer to that. I’ve had that look on my face or an angry look ony face walking through a city before.

  20. ak says:

    Khadija:

    I know a couple of Black women attorneys that some coworkers have been taking bets on how much longer until their no-working-Negro, domestically-violent husbands finally get around to killing them. I’ve previously mentioned how one of these women was beat down in the court building parking lot one morning right before work. In front of her clients. In front of her coworkers. In front of the White prosecutors and sheriffs who were clucking about it for the rest of the week. In front of everybody who was in the parking lot at that moment.

    Yes Khadija I remember when you spoke about this woman and her husband, and the other one with the husband messing with her tires back on Muslim Bushido quite a while ago. I remember that I said that I couldn’t believe that somebody would push her way through college, through law school, be financially independent and resourceful just to go and take up with who they did as if there was really no one else better out there, or even a cat or two. I mean what a waste of time all that striving was.

    If I was the first one you mentioned I’d just HAVE to quit because I just couldn’t show my face around there ever again. I wouldn’t darken that court door again, I can tell you.

    Khadija:

    The last part is critical, and ties into African-American women being taught to worry about being perceived as “mean” or “rude” to Black men. By contrast, African-American women are programmed to be extra wary around White men. Without considering how their often stand-offish behavior toward Whites is perceived. Circumstances are such that every woman needs to listen to her own instincts for self-preservation!

    My dear! Let me tell you about the situations I saw when I used to take the subway in NYC when I lived there over five years ago now. I’d say about seven years ago when I was definitely still in NYC, that within the space of one year I saw some strange (to me) situations on the subway about three or four times.

    It use to happen on one of those rare times in the day when one actually catches an empty car, or at least a car with only three people, on the subway train. I use to get on a car that had only had three or four WHITE MEN sitting in it and because everybody including me were so grateful for the breathing room, every man and I sat down on their own bench instead of sitting on top of each other. I remember on each occasion that each man was siting and staring into their own world, usually reading their paper, or looking into their laptop bags. I casually saw them and forgot about it.

    Enter some random elderly black woman who usually used the door on the side I was sitting. These women would sit down on my bench. ‘That was fine’ I thought, ‘This is an NYC subway and I should be grateful I’m not breathing in somebody’s hair’. But then these different elderly black woman would always scan the whole car up and down zeroing in on the white men, not even looking at me directly and they would always ‘scooch’ right down to me. Always. To see one woman do it once was fine, but to see two MORE do it was so weird to me because these men didn’t exist for me. Especially because I thought to myself ‘Shouldn’t she be craving all the space?’ And these white men didn’t even know we existed either because I remember following the women’s eyes and thinking ‘What the heck are they staring at?’ !

    Then one day I saw one tall, well built, broad shouldered black woman who was closer to my mother’s age and not elderly wearing a t-shirt and shorts but unkempt hair who didn’t seem all ‘quite there’. She did the same thing as the couple of elderly women before her; her face was frozen as she scanned where the three or four white men were sitting and she scooched down towards me, and I was getting a bit perturbed by this time because I do love personal space so I scooched down from her, and then this one decided to scooch down so far towards me that she was practically on my lap and I mean that! I was a skinny, petite person at the time so it was like a rhino trying to sit on a mouse. I was so ticked off.

    I am not making this up and these situations happened on very separate days and separate times *shrugging my shoulders*

    Now I can see why the elderly ones acted the way they did, because they could have been black women from the South who remember or were probably caught up in the bad old days. Although I thought to myself ‘But this is NYC and it’s 2004. It’s over now.’ But the one woman who seemed more ‘out of it’ really ticked me off. None of those dudes even knew we were alive! Yet all these same black women regardless of age probably all went back home to black neighborhoods where the kids can’t be out after sundown, and where the DBRs never sleep because they have to sell more crack.

    • AK,

      You said, “Yes Khadija I remember when you spoke about this woman and her husband, and the other one with the husband messing with her tires back on Muslim Bushido quite a while ago. I remember that I said that I couldn’t believe that somebody would push her way through college, through law school, be financially independent and resourceful just to go and take up with who they did as if there was really no one else better out there, or even a cat or two. I mean what a waste of time all that striving was.

      If I was the first one you mentioned I’d just HAVE to quit because I just couldn’t show my face around there ever again. I wouldn’t darken that court door again, I can tell you.”

      Judging from her statements, Fool #1 seems to believe that being able to proudly say that she has a huzz-band makes up for it all. She calls herself bragging about how good he used to look (that would be before drugs and jail took their toll). I haven’t heard any more about Fool #2 (who got the a**-beating in the court building parking lot). Fool #3 (tires being tampered with) has been very quiet after her husband divorced her. {shaking my head at all of it}

      As far as the BW on the NYC subway episode you described, you were more gracious about that than I probably would have been. The normal unspoken rule in elevators and other such public spaces is that: People divide the space equally between themselves when it’s relatively empty. So, I probably would have reacted badly to—and made an open show of moving far away from—somebody who broke that “rule” and plopped themselves into my quadrant of the mostly empty subway car. Hmmph!

      Expect Success!

      • ak says:

        I don’t blame you Khadija but what struck me at the time was how three other women thought that lil ol’ me would be able to protect them from about four men! What the heck could I do even if them men even knew we were even alive? I’ll never forget any of that.

    • vonnie says:

      ” I was a skinny, petite person at the time so it was like a rhino trying to sit on a mouse.” bwahahahahahahaha, i almost died laughing so hard at that! omg

  21. Faith Dow says:

    This is one reason why I love songs from the Disco era to this day. While many were overtly sexual they did feature women singing about being satisfied in their relationships so it wasn’t all begging/pleading/love me or else I’ll die

    I Will Survive
    No More Tears/Enough Is Enough
    I’m Coming Out

  22. Evia says:

    I Know That A Disproportionate Percentage Of The Blog Readers Who Actively Support, And ACT ON The Information Given Here Are “Foreign-Background” Black Women.

    You got that RIGHT and I do NOT blame them! LOL! And your info is well researched and FREE! Geez, anyone would be a fool for not grabbing it.

    Oh yes! Others are definitely grabbing the info. For Sure!!!

    A case in point offline is that I give freebie jewelry-making lessons to some of the preteen black girls over in the black neighborhood that’s about a 10-minute drive from where I live.

    Anyway, I virtually have to beg the AA girls to take the lessons or pressure their mothers to let them come. However, there’s a Haitian upper teen woman who was very interested, so I welcomed her. I gave her ONE lesson on making earrings back in August. On Sunday, I saw her after church and this young woman has made earrings GALORE based on that ONE lesson. Every woman in her family was there wearing a pair of stylish earrings that she had made!!! Those earrings could easily sell for between $10-$20.

    She keeps asking me to teach her how to make bracelets and I’m anxious to teach her. After all, I want to pass my skills on to other bw. These are FREE lessons and they are offered within short walking distance of more than 200 preteen and teen AA girls.

    (sigh) This is why “the more things change, the more they remain the same.” But I remember when I was offering FREE sewing lessons over there. Yes, several AA upper teen girls came, but I later found out that they were coming so that they could hookup with some teen boys that starting hanging around there. I stopped the lessons because I wasn’t going to allow any of those mamas to blame me for “letting” their daughters get pregnant on my watch.

  23. squarlymade says:

    Khadija, Evia and all the other BWE/BWIR, this information is extremely valuable and it is worth getting paid over. I came across these blogs just a few months ago and I am still shocked that it is free! For me it has been like walking in a desert and then coming across a cave of hidden treasures (by the way, I love spelunking). This information is HIGHLY PROFETALBE. It is CREATING prosperity. It’s not merely snatching a market from another source, it’s CREATING one-very POWERFUL. Certainly you (all of yall) deserve to be getting PAID. It may be good for a season to offer free things until everyone can get a taste and then see what they are missing- and then get paid for it! I’ve often thought about how many AA women give many of their services for free. Baby sitting/hair doing/ housing sitting/ cooking/ cleaning for others in need. I though maybe this is done to make up for the lack of money in the community. Then I realized, no,-much money is being spent by black women. If black women start charging for there services that money being spent on other things will just be direct towards deserving bw.
    This information is very valuable and it can be used to manipulate bw who are just getting to understand some of the things being taught.
    Evia said:
    “We AA women are unique. Nobody else talks as openly as we do. Unfortunately, this works to our disadvantage many times. This is why I’ve encouraged bw to learn the art of smiling and talking without saying anything. This technique is used a lot by SOME white and African women that I’ve observed and I do take note of different cultural communication patterns. These other women tend to smile and chitchat but later on, you can’t remember what they said because nothing they said was concrete or memorable. LOL!

    But when AA women talk, what we say tends to be concrete AND memorable. LOL!

    Initially, I would sit around these other women and wonder why don’t they just come out and SAY something??? But I then realized that if they don’t say anything concrete, they then don’t reveal much and have more wiggle room.”

    I keep hearing you talk about this…HOW is this do? Mind pointing me to the right resource? I’m not a talker, pretty quiet and shy, which then leads people to ‘press’ for information. How do I answer, without answering? Also why do I need wiggle room, if I’m representing myself, and I only plan to be myself? I don’t understand. These teachings are VERY NEW to me. Please point me in the right resource direction.

    • Oshun/Aphrodite says:

      “I’m not a talker, pretty quiet and shy, which then leads people to ‘press’ for information. ”

      I am still trying to learn how to tactfully do this bc they do press for information. And I feel offended almost bullied as if someone is demanding that I respond to them.

  24. Squarlymade,

    You said, “Khadija, Evia and all the other BWE/BWIR, this information is extremely valuable and it is worth getting paid over. I came across these blogs just a few months ago and I am still shocked that it is free! For me it has been like walking in a desert and then coming across a cave of hidden treasures (by the way, I love spelunking). This information is HIGHLY PROFETALBE. It is CREATING prosperity. It’s not merely snatching a market from another source, it’s CREATING one-very POWERFUL. Certainly you (all of yall) deserve to be getting PAID. It may be good for a season to offer free things until everyone can get a taste and then see what they are missing- and then get paid for it! I’ve often thought about how many AA women give many of their services for free. Baby sitting/hair doing/ housing sitting/ cooking/ cleaning for others in need.”

    Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it. Each blogger has her own individual vision of what her goals are with her blog.

    Here’s my thing: As I said in the very first blog post, this blog is 50% business (supporting the sales of my books) and 50% social activism (advancing the social movement for abundant life for Black women and girls). The purpose of the business portion is to make the social activism portion SELF-financing. This blog has to support itself. I use the book sales proceeds for the upkeep of this (professionally designed and maintained) blog.

    In addition to the social activism tip, the blog also helps serve some personal goals for me. It’s not all charitable—I also have my own reasons for doing this. 🙂 It keeps my writing skills sharp and in frequent use. Which helps me with my side business. [Which is totally oriented toward the mainstream—in other words, nonblacks.] As I explained in great detail in the post, If You’re A Black Busines Owner Who Wants To Succeed, Leave The African-American Consumer Behind, Black business owners create unnecessary, EXTRA hurdles for themselves when they orient their business to servicing AA consumers.

    Colored people’s Crabs In A Barrel-motivated,

    —nonsensical uproar about Evia’s paid services,

    —quibbling about the $5/year fee at the hair care forum, and

    —asking whether spending $13.63 or $11.84 from Amazon.com for potentially life-saving and definitely life-enhancing information is a “good value”

    is yet more confirmation that it’s folly for a Black person to try to conduct any sort of business with most other AAs. In addition to the Crabs In A Barrel mentality, most AAs have a welfare, “hook me up for free” mentality ONLY when dealing with other Blacks. I knew that, and that’s why my side business is designed to service nonblacks.

    Thank God not all AAs are infected with “Hook Me Up/Crabs In A Barrel.” There are a handful of us who don’t have those pathologies. But, unfortunately, the vast majority do.

    Expect Success!

  25. Evia says:

    @Sqarlymade re:

    This information is very valuable and it can be used to manipulate bw

    ITA! Yes, this is the scariest part of this to me. This is the part that makes my flesh crawl sometimes about revealing all of this basic info so publicly. Once a person knows how typical AA women think or how so many of them DON’T think, or their naive thinking pattern in some cases, they can easily manipulate them. We constantly reveal the thinking pattern of many bw on our sites, but wonder why it is that Asian women, for ex. don’t reveal their thinking pattern. Well, Duh!

    I had a number of talks with Halima about my discomfort in revealing so much back in my first year or so of blogging. I think the consensus was that some of this info is so crucial to the masses of bw in the U.S. and UK until it was worth it to put it out there–no matter what. Still, I cannot bring myself to reveal or teach ALL that I would like to–not publicly.

    Trust me. Many people in other groups didn’t/don’t know how indoctrinated and dumbed-down many AA women have become, but NOW they do IF they read our sites! Honestly, back in 2006 when I started blogging, I didn’t know it or rather didn’t face that myself. I conveniently thought that the bulk of these “strong” AA women were making the choices that THEY personally wanted to make. Yes, it was easier for me to believe that bw were so “strong” and that nobody was making them do anything they didn’t want to do.

    I had to face the fact that that’s total hooey. Actually, I hadn’t even thought deeply about it because I wasn’t thinking about bw’s “problems.” I have my own life. But re bw dating wm or non-AA men, for ex., I figured that sure there might be a bit of discomfort, but if bw wanted to mingle with these other men, they would just do so. WOW!

    Anyway, the compromises I made to help me to feel better about being so OPEN and public is that I decided to go private for a while, compile the essays in books, charge for parts of the VETTING blueprint because when you charge, you effectively eliminate most people. I’ve been trying to hide some of this. LOL!

    This has never been something I like to do. Every time I write an essay, I feel a bit uncomfortable. So I call what I do “paying it forward.” LOL! I want to record all of this as an historical document, and I DO think it’s necessary, but GEEZ! I wish there were another way.

    I absolutely could not force myself to put that basic vetting blueprint out there publicly. The BIG problem though is that many clueless bw who need this life and death info will not pay for it–no matter how low the cost–because of all the reasons Khadija has cited or simply because they don’t know that they’re clueless.

    Okay . . . re how to talk without saying anything much, it’s actually a dynamic process and specifics depend on the situation. It’s a survival skill. Mainly, you never, ever say anything that will come back to bite you or others like you in the butt.

    Also why do I need wiggle room, if I’m representing myself, and I only plan to be myself?

    You need wiggle room to enhance your surviving and thriving. None of us can predict life, so you must always give yourself a way out or space to switch up–just in case.

    This goes back to the way some bw see themselves–as serious, always telling the whole TRUTH, being responsible, hardworking, plodding along putting one foot ahead of the other, etc. like stodgy mules–even though it doesn’t work to their benefit in lots of cases, obviously.

    Self-Image. I would like instead for AA women to think of themselves as and cultivate the image of charming butterflies that flutter around. Such a butterfly would never make heavy statements or limit itself to showing only one side of itself. It knows it needs wiggle room so that it can keep on fluttering wherever and be seen. LOL! People like having that type of butterfly around. It’s lighthearted. It’s delightful to look at, but no one expects it to do anything concrete or memorable. That’s not what a butterfly does.

    That butterfly could actually be very shrewd, could be moving with stealth, but no one would ever expect it to be and it sure won’t tell ALL. If you’re always just being “yourself,” you limit your movement drastically.

    For ex. when I’m around practically any male (preteen to 95), I behave like a charming butterfly because that always works to my advantage with men (even with very young males). It makes that male feel good. That’s a win-win situation for both of us. That’s not the “real” me; that’s just one of my FACES. Note: I fortunately don’t have to spend any time around any ghetto-acting male.

    Mules. Mules have to DO concrete things. They’re expected to act like mules at all times. People don’t particularly like to look at them, but they’re necessary. Too many AA women have decided to look and act like mules. People put pressure on mules that they would never put on a butterfly. Very few people would pressure a butterfly to answer a question because that delightful creature might–gasp!–fly away.

    It has to do with the way a woman thinks about herself. This is what she projects.

    You should NEVER present your “real” self to strangers. WHY would you do that? Only do that with others who’ve earned your trust. We all can cultivate many faces and if you haven’t done that, you should work on that ASAP. Unfortunately, many bw will ‘let it all hang out’, but when others use some of that as a noose for them, they have no wiggle room or way out.

    Talk, be lighthearted, but keep it moving. Smile, be charming, but be evasive–like a butterfly. If you’re evasive long enough, the typical person will back off and go on to the next person. If the person persists, use what they’re asking you to change the subject or smile and start to remove yourself from their presence (like the butterfuly). Say, “Excuse me, but I’ve got to finish doing . . .” or simply “I’ve got to go.”

    Always remember though that you don’t EVER have to answer anyone’s intrusive questions IF you don’t want to do so–unless in a court of law or similar situations. You don’t have to talk to people just because they want to talk to you. I’ve been criticized for not talking to certain people online, but I KNOW I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to do so, and just because someone asks me a question doesn’t mean I have to answer. Ebonically speaking, “They ain’t nobody!” I talk if I CHOOSE to talk or answer. We all can make that choice.

    The basic issue here is one of boundaries, as Khadija has pointed out, and as I pointed out about those “nice guy” males. You have to have boundaries when dealing with any other person. You have to believe down deep inside yourself that the inner you belongs to no other human being, but YOU, and that NO ONE must cross your boundaries. No other human being has the right to cross those boundaries to access inner areas of you or even any of your outer assets unless you CHOOSE, in your best interests, to give them permission. Here’s the clincher. In any interaction with another human being, virtually all of the time (except for maybe with your children), YOU are the primary person–the MOST important person. No one else is as important as you to yourself. No one. This is why the subtitle of my first book is “First and Foremost.” You have to believe that you are NUMBER 1.

    • Always remember though that you don’t EVER have to answer anyone’s intrusive questions IF you don’t want to do so–unless in a court of law or similar situations. You don’t have to talk to people just because they want to talk to you. I’ve been criticized for not talking to certain people online, but I KNOW I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to do so, and just because someone asks me a question doesn’t mean I have to answer. Ebonically speaking, “They ain’t nobody!” I talk if I CHOOSE to talk or answer. We all can make that choice.

      I’m the master of this. No one knows anything about me unless I want them to. I share a lot on my blog because it’s anonymous but in real life not so much. I also keep a personal journal. And I NEVER share personal information with someone unless they share something similar with me and even then it’s not guaranteed. I kind of just go off a ‘feeling’ I have. As a non-religious person I don’t know what to call it, “intuition,” maybe? I have to say that I’m generally a quiet person and don’t socialize that often (I’m trying to change that and do more strategic socializing).

      I have a lot of sides to me that aren’t obvious at first and I developed my technique to be able to not lie (I was a serious Christian back then) and still not divulge information that I didn’t want to.

      My main goal now is to figure out specific strategies concerning being more butterfly-like in general and especially around certain strategic persons and making my everyday face one with a smile. I’m a very serious person and it shows strongly on my face.

      I also have a general dislike of humanity that I know would be helpful to overcome but I have not been able to. I have thought about going to therapy/counseling concerning it but I don’t think it would help me because I feel like my feelings concerning humanity are very rational based on the knowledge I have gained over 21 years.

      Anyways, I’ve found that the best ways to say “no” are simply to say it. Or if you don’t want to be as direct initially say, “I don’t think so” or “I don’t think I’ll be able to”, etc. BUT you have to be willing to back that up with a more direct answer if they become more aggressive with their demands. Then you say, “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to” or something similar. You can give some kind of general reason why but you aren’t obligated to. Also, I’ve found that the more you stick to your original answer concerning a request the less people pressure you once you give them an answer.

      The trick to all of this is to do all of this in a manner that doesn’t get you labeled “that mean b*tch.” It’s similar to talking when people are pressuring you to talk but managing to not really saying anything.

  26. Karen says:

    Evia stated,

    “Always remember though that you don’t EVER have to answer anyone’s intrusive questions IF you don’t want to do so–unless in a court of law or similar situations. You don’t have to talk to people just because they want to talk to you. I’ve been criticized for not talking to certain people online, but I KNOW I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to do so, and just because someone asks me a question doesn’t mean I have to answer.”

    We all need to remember this and I would also extend it to the phone. At home, just because it rings does not mean I have to answer anymore than if my cell phone rings. The phone is there to serve my benefit.

    Some asking a question (other than the cirumstances noted by Evia) does not mean that I am in ANY WAY OBLIGATED to answer.

    We should all cultivate various “faces” that can be utilized based on the situation. Consider it another part of a lady’s toolkit.

  27. Evia,

    I hope the audience pays CLOSE attention to the following parts of your comment where you said,

    This goes back to the way some bw see themselves–as serious, always telling the whole TRUTH, being responsible, hardworking, plodding along putting one foot ahead of the other, etc. like stodgy mules–even though it doesn’t work to their benefit in lots of cases, obviously.

    Self-Image. I would like instead for AA women to think of themselves as and cultivate the image of charming butterflies that flutter around. Such a butterfly would never make heavy statements or limit itself to showing only one side of itself. It knows it needs wiggle room so that it can keep on fluttering wherever and be seen. LOL! People like having that type of butterfly around. It’s lighthearted. It’s delightful to look at, but no one expects it to do anything concrete or memorable. That’s not what a butterfly does.

    . . . Mules. Mules have to DO concrete things. They’re expected to act like mules at all times. People don’t particularly like to look at them, but they’re necessary. Too many AA women have decided to look and act like mules. People put pressure on mules that they would never put on a butterfly. Very few people would pressure a butterfly to answer a question because that delightful creature might–gasp!–fly away.

    It has to do with the way a woman thinks about herself. This is what she projects.

    You should NEVER present your “real” self to strangers. WHY would you do that? Only do that with others who’ve earned your trust. We all can cultivate many faces and if you haven’t done that, you should work on that ASAP. Unfortunately, many bw will ‘let it all hang out’, but when others use some of that as a noose for them, they have no wiggle room or way out.

    Talk, be lighthearted, but keep it moving. Smile, be charming, but be evasive–like a butterfly.

    I know I shouldn’t have, but I laughed at the mule mental picture. Many of the mules are also extremely ornery. {chuckling} As with the “my life is an open book” nonsense, I’m amazed that so many AA women get angry when other AA women don’t conform to the mule image. I’ve had a few run-ins with ornery, mulish BW about this. Oh, let’s see…there’s the battered BW (who is one of the fools I mentioned in this blog post) who is always annoyed to see me walk around work with a slight smile on my face.

    Then there were the dreary, black and gray-wearing cullud girls at one AA mosque I went to who were outraged by the cheerful, pastel-colored headscarfs I wear when I go to the mosque.

    Note: Ladies, check to see what kind of facial expressions you’re usually walking around with. Are they pleasant or at least neutral? Or are you walking around with a grimace on your face? If you’re living in an environment where it’s not safe for a woman to smile, you need to move.

    You might not be paying attention to your “default setting” facial expressions, but other people are. I was amused when one of the male investigators at work cheerfully commented about how I smile a lot. It’s interesting. Normal, happy people like smiles. Angry, resentful, and miserable BW are often angry to see other BW routinely smiling as they go through the day…oh, well…

    Expect Success!

  28. Evia says:

    @ Karen R re:

    So….back to your point, many AAW therapists are very invested in maintaining the status quo and keeping AAW’s mindsets entrapped.

    Yes, we may as well fact the fact that there’s only a handful of quality help and support out there for bw who are on the BWE/liberation journey. There’s a need for a lot of new services for the typical bw on this journey. This is an extremely new frontier, but it will grow and grow because there is nothing sweeter than freedom from oppression even when it’s done by other women. Remember that SOME black women are some of the greatest oppressors of other black women. These same bw oppress themselves as we’ve seen from the hoopla of anti-NWNW bw. Anyone who will oppress themselves will definitely oppress you and me.

    @Khadija re:

    Angry, resentful, and miserable BW are often angry to see other BW routinely smiling as they go through the day…oh, well…

    This is a PERFECT example of how bw oppress other bw or help to keep other bw oppressed. There is definitely a subtle pressure on AA women to remain mules or envy and resentment towards them when they don’t.

    Instead of telling you that they’re thrilled for you that you’re not stressed to the max with 973 pounds of worry on your back, they resent you for being able to dress colorfully, smile and behave in a lighthearted, feminine way or me for not working and living well out here on these 50 secluded acres with my loving husband and sons. So, I experience the same thing and their resentment/envy towards me is compounded by the fact that I’m IR married to a well-educated man of means from a prominent family in this area. That really burns them! They can’t figure out how a regular looking, natural-haired bw like me pulled this off without being guilty of something foul. LOL!!!

    If I were them, I’d have my notebook out taking notes.

  29. Tracy says:

    “You know, sometimes I think ‘they’ actually LIKE the look of terror we have on our faces?”

    Actually, Betty, yes they do…I’ve never seen people so happy to see a bw “get hers” than AA’s. Whether it’s personal, or in entertainment, the hoped for end result is that the BW will be DESTROYED. A lot of “music” that is out has the same theme – you’re just a gold digger, I can easily replace you, you ain’t special. BUT…if said non-special, golddigger goes on about her business and finds someone else(like she should) – well all hell breaks loose. Usually, the person will try to discredit her reputation, and the old “leave alla my stuff I gave you” crap follows (Remember “The Rain”? I hated that song!) Yes, it’s not enough to break up – she must be punished to a life of sadness and poverty and loneliness without him…and many bw are indoctrinated with that message!

    “You should NEVER present your “real” self to strangers. WHY would you do that? Only do that with others who’ve earned your trust. We all can cultivate many faces and if you haven’t done that, you should work on that ASAP. Unfortunately, many bw will ‘let it all hang out’, but when others use some of that as a noose for them, they have no wiggle room or way out.

    Talk, be lighthearted, but keep it moving. Smile, be charming, but be evasive–like a butterfly.”

    Evia, for some reason, “butterfly” is very difficult for bw to grasp, simply because when you dare to walk around happy and bright eyed, you are called “fake” or , god forbid, “white”..

    I truly believe that the phrase “Keeping it Real” was invented to keep bw in Mule/Sista Soldier mode. Real means letting it all hang out, not thinking thru or controlling your emotions, and basically not caring about the image you are projecting. It’s easy to be “real”. The girls that I mentored in church had the hardest time with being “fake” because they were always having to think about what was coming out of their mouths, what they were wearing, and yes even their facial expressions. I would try to get them to think of something funny or happy that would make them smile, or to soften their expressions – but sadly some of them couldn’t even muster a good thought.

    The scariest part of all – the sharing. The only thing these girls wanted to talk about was tearing down some other girl. Or the last fight they had. Or a beatdown that they saw recently. THAT made them smile…I understand teenage cliques, but I believe that in some circles, it may be a matter of safety for them to be a “real” or “down” Mule – Butterfly’s could be crushed easily. Still, hopefully some of them will remember and use their lessons later on in life.

    • ak says:

      All of what you’re saying here is true, and the part about the younger black girls (brings back bad memories) just has me thinking that if things for black women don’t change for the better in like, let’s say oh the next 70 years then I don’t want to come back as one again in the next life!

  30. Everybody,

    I think we’ve covered all the major angles to this topic, so I’m closing the comments to this post.

    Also, Tracy has mentioned something about the Keeping It Real trickbag that deserves a separate conversation of its own. I hope to have the next post (featuring Tracy’s observation) up sometime this weekend.

    Tracy, thanks for supplying that Reader’s Money Quote observation!

    Expect Success!