Think About Your Own Circumstances

Lifestyle optimization requires you to examine ideas from the vantage point of your own particular context and circumstances. This one statement will probably be a recurring theme in the blog posts here. It’s impossible to have an optimal lifestyle when you make critical life decisions based on other people’s circumstances. Listening to other people whose circumstances or interests are out of alignment with yours will throw your life into chaos and ruin.

This is the primary reason so many African-American women are living in misery and hardship. They’re programmed to think about other people’s (read: Black men’s, and the already-dead Black community’s) circumstances and interests, instead of their own. Or they’re taking positions that only make sense in the context of nonblack women’s collective life circumstances.

Several astute bloggers have talked about all of this in some detail. Halima, blog host of Black Women’s Interracial Relationship Circle, has written several excellent essays about this. I strongly urge you to read them, here and here.

I’ve seen the patterns that Halima describes in these posts. Over the years, I’ve watched many confused Black women parrot slogans and agree to follow strategies that have no connection to their own circumstances and needs. They did so to their detriment.

SOME OBSERVATIONS ABOUT THE 25-AND-UNDER “RACE GIRLS”

Many of the 20-something Black “race girls” who bash the idea of Black women’s empowerment hold contradictory thoughts about the issues they pontificate on with such confidence. All at the same time, many of them:

(1) Are not concerned about their biological clocks at their age, while they scream at Black women whose childbearing years are coming to a close.

(2) Despite seeing the mass absence of marriage in the African-American collective, they are confident in assuring other Black women that if they will only act right, then they will have their own Black Prince Charming.

(3) Despite seeing the mass absence of marriage in the African-American collective, they are confident that they themselves will be the Black female version of Jackie Robinson (one-in-a-million to be selected) and find marriage with a Black Prince Charming.

(4) While holding and advocating the above beliefs, they are often also hedging their bets and planning on single parent adoption as “Plan B” if they don’t marry their Black Prince Charming by age 35 or so.

Of course, to hear them tell it, it would take some bizarre stroke of fate for them to fail in their goal of marrying a Black Prince Charming. (One might ask why they need a Plan B if there are so many quality Black men available, and if things are so viable on the Black love front. One might also note that women from other races generally aren’t making that kind of “Plan B.”)

And finally, (5) some of them are never-married single mothers who have already been played and burned in the ultra-toxic, all-Black relationship market; and yet are still spouting the above beliefs.

It’s all irrational. And dangerous for anyone who allows these girl-women to bully and pressure them into narrowing their opportunities to find a wholesome, marriage-minded, quality husband.

STOP LISTENING TO THE POLITICAL EQUIVALENT OF “THE DUSTIES”

There are many people telling Black women that they alone must narrow their life opportunities to save the already-dead Black family and Black community. In doing so, they are using slogans that no longer have any connection whatsoever to current realities. But that “small” detail doesn’t matter to the “Black women as cannon fodder” recruiters.

You need to understand that the “Black women as martyrs” recruiters will keep demanding that you martyr yourself no matter what happens. They will continue making these demands until the final demise of the African-American collective.

They will repeat the same slogans as African-Americans become more deeply entrenched in permanent underclass status, and overall disintegration. They will repeat these slogans when the African-American out of wedlock birthrate reaches 90-95 percent. The 1965 Moynihan Report warned about the rising illegitimacy rate among African-Americans. Most of our people didn’t heed the warning. Instead, we recited angry slogans in response.

The “Black love” slogans that are exclusively directed at Black women will be repeated when the African-American male interracial relationship rate approaches 50 percent and beyond. For those of you who think this can’t or won’t happen, I would refer you to the current example of the Caribbean Black male population in the United Kingdom. West Indian Black men’s interracial relationship rate in the UK has reached 48 percent. (See the BBC Caribbean.com story from January 19, 2009, The Mixed Race March in Britain.)

Gina, blog host of What About Our Daughters, made an excellent point a while back about the “it takes a village” slogan. She pointed out that many African-Americans are depending on the family stability created by marriages from three generations ago (grandparents and sometimes, great-grandparents)!

As far as I’m concerned, that “village” rhetoric is just some more empty talk. The mass absence of marriage means there is no village. There are only elderly and exhausted grandmothers that many of us want to heap more burdens on. There’s nobody waiting in the wings to replace these grandmothers and great-grandmothers because the generations that followed are not creating the stable marriages that previously served as the family bedrock.

Folks need to stop lying, and most of all stop listening to lies, about this mythical village. We burned the village down decades ago. There are only a few scattered huts left.

All of these slogans are the political equivalent of “dusties” music. They have little to no connection to current realities. The difference is that “dusties” can be enjoyable. As entertainment. Not as the basis for making life-and-death decisions in modern circumstances.

In fact, this pattern is the main reason I stopped listening to the local Black-owned talk radio station. The hosts and callers are repeating the same conversations, nostrums and slogans I remember hearing 20-plus years ago on that station! Whenever I tune in just to check on them, I find that they’re having “dusties” conversations. Ignore people who repeat a political “dusties scratch mix” of obsolete, failed ideas.

DON’T CONFUSE NONBLACK WOMEN’S CONTEXTS WITH YOUR CONTEXT

African-American women often buy into ideas that have no real relevance to their particular circumstances. This often comes up whenever Black women discuss the importance of marriage.

When analyzing ideas, Black women should keep their own circumstances in the forefront. African-American women are operating in a context that no other group of women are operating in. Other women may face similar issues, but at nowhere near the rate of African-American women. Black women need to stop tripping, recognize that other women’s context is not our context, and respond accordingly.

African-American women are operating in a context of a huge unmarried rate (relative to all other types of people) and a 70 percent-plus illegitimate child rate. In this context, African-American women can’t afford the luxury of calling ourselves “overcoming” the perception that we want legitimate marriage—just like every other race and ethnic group of women on the planet.

To paraphrase some other important points that Halima has made in earlier comments and blog posts:

Unlike the White female theorists who can afford to characterize marriage as a site of oppression, African-American women need to understand that marriage is important as a potential site for division of the hard work involved in raising children. Unlike the current situation where African-American women are bearing almost sole responsibility for raising Black children (as is clear from the 70 percent-plus out of wedlock rate).

Unlike women from other ethnic and racial groups, African-American women are being targeted for male disassociation and social disfellowship.

White women are generally protected and provided for within overall White American society (see the examples of how David Letterman and Kanye West were quickly chastised for publicly demeaning a White woman). White women can afford to talk that stuff about how they refuse to be “obsessed with marriage”—because they’re already reaping the benefits of marriage!

African-American women can’t afford the luxury of characterizing desire for marriage as “obsession” with marriage. African-American women are suffering the real consequences of the absence of marriage within the African-American collective. Consequences like the physical danger posed by legions of (mostly fatherless) predatory, violent criminals. Physically dangerous environments like Dunbar Village are one of many results of an absence of stable, two-parent families created by marriage.

I’m not talking about marriage as somehow saving the African-American collective. I’m talking about how the mass absence of marriage is drastically lowering the quality of Black women’s lives. And sometimes, such as within many Black residential areas, is creating physical danger to Black women.

White women and other women can afford to “trip,” and pretend like they don’t know the reasonable availability of marriage opportunities within their own group is doing something good and important for them (and their children). African-American women can’t afford to “trip” like that.

No, I’m not saying that marriage always results in a stable family. But common sense, and empirical observation of the conditions within Black residential areas, should tell us that marriage greatly increases the odds of having a stable, productive family in which children are properly reared and socialized. So they’re less likely to turn into monsters like the single-parent raised Dunbar Village demons.

When Black women discuss marriage, I think it’s critical that we detangle and separate what I believe is the legitimate promotion of marriage from the disrespectful, insulting beliefs promoted about single or childless women.

The legitimate importance, value and benefits of an “MRS degree” need to be uncoupled from the disrespect of “You and your life ain’t sh*t because you ain’t got no man/kids.” Right now, it’s all mixed together and I think that demeaning message is what causes some Black women to balk when they hear marriage being promoted as something valuable.

I will also note that large numbers of gays and lesbians understand the value and importance of marriage. That’s why they’re clamoring to be able to have legally recognized marriages. In fact, one might say that large numbers of gays and lesbians are “obsessed” with marriage. This is one example of how, as quiet as it’s sometimes kept, other people recognize the value and importance of marriage.

Don’t let anybody trick you into feeling embarrassed about wanting marriage (if that’s what you want). Don’t let anybody pressure you into doing without the lifestyle you want. Don’t confuse other people’s circumstances and contexts with your own. Instead, examine ideas from the vantage point of your own particular context and circumstances. And move forward into fulfilling, abundant, optimal lives.

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28 Responses to “Think About Your Own Circumstances”

  1. JaliliMaster says:

    I’ve heard the “it takes a village” slogan used a few too many times for my liking. I’ve noticed that it is almost, always employed by AA women who are single mothers to children whose father is absent. They use that line to somehow guilt other AA women into ‘helping’ them, by picking up the slack when it comes to taking care of their kids. I’ve noticed that seldom do they expect other AA males to be a part of this so-called “village”. It is the same with their relatives. It is always their sister, mother, auntie, gran etc, that they call on for extra help. They never go to their brother, uncle etc.

    Also, Africa is always somehow brought into it, because apparently, in African countries, it is the entire “village” that raises the child. Some years ago on another one of these sites, a similar discussion was being had and several of the African women on the site were agreeing with the “it takes a village” line, and, in my opinion, enabling the AA women on the site who were seeking some way to be able to guilt other AA women into doing things for them and their kids. These African women themselves know that it doesn’t work, but who cares, afterall, it’s not them who were going to be pestered into burdening themselves with other peoples children.

    Khadija, you are also right when you say that one must make decisions in view of how it would affect their own personal situation. I would also like to add that when seeking advice, one should know that any advice given is in the context of the givers point of view. You have to adapt it to your own life and circumstances for it to work.

    I, as a 22 year old African woman, can tell AA women to just improve on themselves and a man would come along. But I’m not living in the reality that when it comes to BM (in this case AA men), there is a shortage. A very serious shortage (I’m not talking about sheer numbers, but actual quality men). If I decide to move to my mothers country (Nigeria), I wouldn’t need to worry about OOW births, not finding a man etc., so even if such advice as ‘waiting’ might be well intended, it wouldn’t serve AA women well. Also, I’ve seen younger AA women give relationship and life advice to AA women in their late 30’s and 40’s, only to find out later on that these younger women are themselves baby mommas etc. But because they are in their 20’s, they think that irrespective of the hideous lifestyle choices they made, they still have enough time to to bag a ‘gent’.

    It seems that in some parts of the AA community, there is a concerted effort to deemphasize and almost denigrate the whole idea of marriage, while simultaneously putting motherhood on some sort of pedestal as the ‘most important’ thing a woman, or atleast a black woman, could possibly do. Both the men and women are complicit in this. The men because they want to be able to have sex with any woman and not have to deal with the consequences i.e no need to make her your wife, and becasue she should be so happy about having children, it is okay to leave her solely responsible for their well being. For the women, as the majority who are mothers lay down with men of no/low quality, they want to ensure that as many AA women as possible end up in the same situation. Remember, misery loves company. If any AA woman reading this wants to disagree, I’m sure that there are many of you who had enough common sense to date a decent guy. When your friends found out about him, compare the reaction of those who are happy with themselves or in good relationships, to those who were the baby momma types, or in a relationship with unemployed Ray-Ray, Tyrone who is in and out of jail, Tequan who still sleeps on his mamas couch, Jaffar whose ex babymomma won’t ‘leave them alone’ etc. The latter group are the ones who would go out of their way to ensure your relationship doesn’t succeed and would start to try to set you up with her partners equally low value friends. Notice that when you were single, she didn’t want to set you up becase she felt that her bad relationship was better than your single state.

    On a final note, if any of you who up till today, still have friends that associate with the type of males I’ve just described, you need to seriously evaluate the state your life is in. If you want to attract a quality man, associate, sorry, ONLY associate with (1) Quality men, and (2) women who only allow quality men into their lives. If you don’t, you only have yourselves to blame when that guy who you thought was your prince charming decided that he wasn’t too keen on having your gutter friends in his life!

  2. JaliliMaster,

    Oooh, guurl, you’ve said a mouthful! LOL! If I was still doing Reader’s Money Quotes, this would definitely be one of them. I’ll have to come back later to respond point by point to the MANY important angles you’ve raised.

    Peace, blessings, and solidarity.

  3. Tracy says:

    Not meaning to go off of the thread….but finally some good news for BW that want to marry from – of all places – Newsweek!!

    http://www.newsweek.com/id/232864

    Onward and Forward and down the aisle!!

  4. JaliliMaster,

    You said, “I’ve heard the “it takes a village” slogan used a few too many times for my liking. I’ve noticed that it is almost, always employed by AA women who are single mothers to children whose father is absent. They use that line to somehow guilt other AA women into ‘helping’ them, by picking up the slack when it comes to taking care of their kids.”

    BINGO! I’ve also noticed that same pattern of how some (not all, there are some AA single mothers that have common sense) AA single mothers start talking that “village” mess. What the (common sense-lacking) mothers who do this don’t understand is that this is the point of having marriage! Marriage creates a stable network of people (starting with one’s HUSBAND) to assist with the responsibilities involved in feeding and raising children.

    You said, “I’ve noticed that seldom do they expect other AA males to be a part of this so-called “village”. It is the same with their relatives. It is always their sister, mother, auntie, gran etc, that they call on for extra help. They never go to their brother, uncle etc.”

    BINGO! They know these males are not going to help. If these men had been assisting, then these women wouldn’t be looking for a “village” to help them.

    You said, “Also, Africa is always somehow brought into it, because apparently, in African countries, it is the entire “village” that raises the child.”

    JaliliMaster, please correct me if I’m wrong, but here’s my “read between the lines” interpretation of this part of your comment: “Y’all AAs need to STOP putting me and mine (as Africans) in the middle of YOUR dysfunctional mess! STOP referring to any of what you’ve only heard about some of our (African) cultures. Y’all don’t know what you’re talking about!”

    And if you feel this way, I don’t blame you! If this is a misreading of your reaction to this crazy AA “village” talk, please let me know. I just know that if I was African, I would be extremely annoyed to hear clueless non-Africans try to hijack and distort pieces of MY culture in order to try to justify THEIR mess.

    This “village” talk from other AAs reminds me of how it grates on my ears to hear New Age White folks talking about the bits and pieces of Native American religious practices that they’ve hijacked, twisted around, and misused for themselves. [Like the recent example of some White guru who got at least one White follower killed while calling himself operating a sweat lodge (which comes from Native American-origin religious practices).] I find all of that sort of behavior offensive.

    You said, “Some years ago on another one of these sites, a similar discussion was being had and several of the African women on the site were agreeing with the “it takes a village” line, and, in my opinion, enabling the AA women on the site who were seeking some way to be able to guilt other AA women into doing things for them and their kids. These African women themselves know that it doesn’t work, but who cares, afterall, it’s not them who were going to be pestered into burdening themselves with other peoples children.”

    Frankly, I don’t blame these African women for humoring these AA fools and telling them what they wanted to hear. I would imagine that many of these AA fools would be offended to hear Africans tell them that the little bits and pieces of (purported) African cultures that these AAs have latched onto and trying to run with—WON’T WORK unless the entire social infrastructure that surrounds these practices is in place.

    It reminds me of the idiotic AA Sunni Muslims who are trying to import social practices from 7th century Arabia into 21st century Negro Philadelphia, and so on. You CAN’T snatch a single social practice out of its context, transplant it to a totally ALIEN environment, and expect it to work.

    You said, “I would also like to add that when seeking advice, one should know that any advice given is in the context of the givers point of view. You have to adapt it to your own life and circumstances for it to work.”(emphasis added)

    This is critical. Different (types of Black) people can say the exact same words, and the exact same words can have TOTALLY different meanings AND effects—all based on the speaker’s particular cultural context and circumstances. I plan to have a post later this week about this very topic as it applies to a slightly different situation. A situation where the exact same statement can mean totally different things based on who’s saying it (the “typical” AA or most “foreign-origin” Black folks). [Of course, I realize that I’m the “foreign-origin” Black person to my international readers. I’m simply speaking from the vantage point of AAs. {chuckling}]
    _____________________________________

    Tracy,

    I let it go this time, but I would prefer that folks NOT get into the habit of trying to post off-topic comments during a conversation. I’ll delete such comments in the future.

    Peace, blessings and solidarity.

  5. rainebeaux says:

    Khadija, thanks for reminding me that, well, it’s not just me. I sometimes think that I’m one of about 20 single mothers in the entire blogosphere with some sense…I can’t even see myself trying to guilt others out of taking on my burdens (hence, my moving out and moving on). That being said: JaliliMaster, it pains me to see that you, a non-AA Black woman, can see through this transparent “save the babymama” nonsense–but not the overwhelming majority of my fellow single mothers! I couldn’t agree more and I wish I’d come up with half of your statement *lol*. As for women my age and up taking ANY sort of advice from 20-something “race girls”: uh, I’m at the point now where if you weren’t even alive during the Reagan administration and also a babymama, you have nothing for me. Again, just me shaking my head at this whole kerfuffle…

  6. lisa99 says:

    Hi Khadija!

    I LOVE the part you mentioned about the “race girls.” A “race girl” tried to check me recently on a different forum, but she exited quickly when the rest of the forum went after her and I don’t know if she saw my biting response.

    Basically, I’m an early 30-something woman in a serious relationship with a WM. We are talking marriage. I was responding to a question in which I stated that I thought that many modern BW shoot themselves in the foot with all of this “white men raped my ancestors” talk used as reasons why they shouldn’t date WM today.

    This young woman, who stated in a different post that she was a 22-year-old college student, said, “You have a lot to learn.”

    HA HA HA HA HA!

    Now I don’t know if she knew my age, but first, that was oh so disrespectful on a board that is generally civil… I’m not an elder, but to speak to a woman with much more life experience and insight like that just shows poor manners. The conversation was not about her, but she jumped in and felt the need to state this and then went on about being proud of her history and how she supported black love and black people… and how we all needed to “understand” our history because we clearly did not.

    I told her that she should not be overly impressed with herself, seeing that the territory she thinks she’s blazing has been paved over a century ago by historians and scholars that she could only hope to emulate and that many BW in IR relationships are well versed in black history and culture. In fact, it is that acceptance of our history and culture that lets us recognize the madness that we see today and realize that we must act in our own self-interests, and not the interests of the so-called black collective.

    I continued by saying that she was not presenting anything new, and she was not going to “save” the black race. Instead of telling people what they did not know, maybe it would be best for her to sit back and LEARN from people with a lot more experience and wisdom.

    No response. She exited the thread stage left.

    The fact that these “race girls” speak like this to older peers is yet another sign of a breakdown of decorum and respect. If more people put them in their place and challenged their hypocrisy, maybe the damage they do could be limited.

  7. Magenta says:

    Wow, you have said a mouthful.

    As someone who lives in a pretty “progressive” neighborhood and is very active in politics, I cannot begin to tell you the anger I have that so many blacks have bought into the mess that white liberals spew. One example of this is the “it takes a village” nonsense. As much as I loathe Republican policies I agree with them 100% when they say “It does not take a village, it takes a mother and a father”. White liberals started reciting this “village” crap as a way to justify promoting their social programs and blacks fell for it hook line and sinker because not only did it mean they would get increased government assistance but it also made them feel better about their own parental irresponsibility. It has gotten to the point where I refuse to discuss this with my white friends or colleagues because they still like to “trip” as you would say and pretend that sexual and parental responsibility is not important when it comes to creating stable families and communities. Even when they themselves are married!!!! Even when they grew up in a two parent home!!! It drives me insane. When people preach things that they themselves do not practice, that should always be the sign that they are operating in bad faith. If they believed in this “village” theory, then why are they not relying on the state or relatives to take care of their children? Why are they practicing birth control and limiting the number of children they have (even the ones who are married). Because they know it is unacceptable to have children that you cannot care for. But yet they like to preach this mess to us. Many blacks are being used as political guinea pigs for white liberals social experiments. The school system is another example of this, but that is a whole different topic, lol!

    Even when whites actually do practice the behavior they are advocating (single parent adoption for example) they are doing it from a completely different cultural context. Angelina Jolie and Madonna are adopting children from third world countries, NOT crack-babies that were abandoned or had to be taken away by the state for extreme abuse or neglect. Even non celebrity WW adopt, they are either adopting children from outside the US, using private agencies where the birth parents are carefully screened, or using surrogates. With all the white children in rural neighborhoods now in foster care as a result of the meth epidemic, I find it interesting that WW almost NEVER adopt those children. I suspect that 1) just by being white they have leverage and have their “choice” of child to pick and 2) they are adopting as a result of fertility issues or a strong need to become a mother-NOT because of a need to “save all of their people.” In addition, they have never had to deal with the cultural expectations of being a mule, workhorse, mammy or “backbone” of the community. So they can afford to be “altruistic” and adopt. In addition, these WW tend to have high paying jobs with generous benefit packages (or can afford not to work at all) in addition to tons of family support. This can be seen in the case of Johnson and Johnson heiress who despite her mental problems and eventual death, her adopted daughter was still adequately cared for by the Johnson family. As a matter of fact, before Casey Johnson died, her family was assisting her a great deal in caring for her child. The child is still in the custody of those relatives to this day.

    BW are not operating in this context. Promoting single parent adoption to BW is really just another way to assign BW a mammy role. Good enough to do the heavy lifting and child rearing, but not wife material. Apparently BW are good for nothing except raising other people’s children. Do folks even understand how demeaning that sounds? In addition, many BW are running on empty, already under a great deal of stress from demanding jobs and virtually no family support. When they do adopt this child, they will receive no help from their family. Their jobs will not cut them any slack either. To make things worse, because of their race and their single status they will probably end up with children that NO ONE else wanted as a result of medical or behavioral problems. In the social service industry, these children are referred to as “difficult to place”. So you are taking a woman with no financial or family support who has been indoctrinated into believing she is not worthy of a husband or family of her own, and giving her a child with their own baggage and history of abuse and neglect. This spells complete disaster!!!

    Like you said, we cannot afford to “trip” like this. BW do not have the protection, wealth, or family connections to engage in such silliness. We have to look at our own unique situation when making vital life decisions. Sorry for the length and going into rant-mode, lol. I just had that on my chest for so long and I am happy that you are providing a place where we can “get real” about these issues.

  8. Karen says:

    Excellent points raised by all. As someone who left the matrix a generation ago, I have always operated under the criteria of doing what was best for me. It has served me well. When it came to those giving advice, I always assessed it based on whether this person was actually “walking the talk”. If not, the advice was duly ignored.

    Magenta said it succinctly “we cannot afford to “trip” like this.”

    We must consider our circumstances and do what is best for us…PERIOD. The days of putting ourselves last is over. If that upsets the race women and men, so be it.

  9. Nathifa says:

    Magenta stated,”It has gotten to the point where I refuse to discuss this with my white friends or colleagues because they still like to “trip” as you would say and pretend that sexual and parental responsibility is not important when it comes to creating stable families and communities. Even when they themselves are married!!!! Even when they grew up in a two parent home!!! It drives me insane. When people preach things that they themselves do not practice, that should always be the sign that they are operating in bad faith. If they believed in this “village” theory, then why are they not relying on the state or relatives to take care of their children? Why are they practicing birth control and limiting the number of children they have (even the ones who are married). Because they know it is unacceptable to have children that you cannot care for. But yet they like to preach this mess to us. Many blacks are being used as political guinea pigs for white liberals social experiments.”

    I 100%co-sign. I had to stop having conversations with my liberal white co-workers regarding these same issues. They are full of it. When you do not co-sign there statements which are really about white quilt , thinking blacks are inferior and that we just cannot do any better they look at you like you are crazy. Too many of us including our misleaders have given the impression that we need special help from whites to think, do and act correctly.

  10. Rainebeaux,

    Yes, this mess that AAs are doing is totally TRANSPARENT. People see through our slogans, they just don’t say anything (for reasons that I’ll mention in my response to Magenta).
    _______________________________________

    Lisa99,

    You said, “Now I don’t know if she knew my age, but first, that was oh so disrespectful on a board that is generally civil… I’m not an elder, but to speak to a woman with much more life experience and insight like that just shows poor manners. The conversation was not about her, but she jumped in and felt the need to state this and then went on about being proud of her history and how she supported black love and black people… and how we all needed to “understand” our history because we clearly did not.”

    No, you’re not an elder. But you’re also NOT this little race girl’s peer. It was profoundly ignorant and arrogant for her to talk to you and other audience members like that. This overall coarsening of behavior, and increasing lack of manners, is something that I see growing with each new generation. At that age, my friends and I never acted like that with people who were more than 3-4 years older than us.

    There are one’s peers. And then there are a variety of people who are NOT one’s peers. Some of these “not-peers” are “elders.” Other “not-peers” are simply older and have therefore usually had more life experience. It’s totally inappropriate for a younger person, especially some college kid who is most likely NOT functioning like a working, totally self-supporting adult with adult responsibilities, to call themselves lecturing either category of “not-peers.”

    I’m happy you checked this little race girl. From my tours of the Black blogosphere, I see that many of these little race girls are “Ikettes” who are doing a LOT of damage to the BW who are foolish enough to allow themselves to be bullied by them.
    __________________________________

    Magenta,

    As with many situations, there are a lot of different nuances involved in this. AAs need to get a lot better at seeing and dealing with nuances.

    (1) It’s VERY difficult for anybody to tell AAs anything at all that makes any sense. We tend to accuse them of being racists if they are nonblack. We also tend to get offended if non-AA Blacks try to tell us common-sense things. So, most other people have decided that it’s safest and easiest to humor AAs with the crazy things we say.

    So that’s how you have “progressive” White folks who know better than to do any such foolishness in their lives repeating to AAs, and FOR AAs, the crazy slogans that we use. The same applies to the African women who knew better that JaliliMaster described in her comment.

    (2) Speaking for myself, even though I will take what is useful information from a truthful statement, this does NOT mean that I’m going to take a disrespectful tongue-lashing off of anybody (who is not my parent–LOL!).

    There are also scenarios where the non-AA “truth-teller” is telling the truth in order to verbally abuse AAs.

    I’m mentioning this detail because I’m speaking for my own reaction: The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) taught that actions are judged by their intentions. I’m not going to support something if the intentions are all wrong. I’ll take what’s useful from the truth that’s being spoken; but I’m not going to applaud the person who tells the truth for the wrong and abusive reasons. I’m not going to let somebody assault my dignity with “the truth.”

    Sometimes other folks use “truth-telling” as a stick to hit AAs with—to demean and degrade AAs. Or, as a way to curry favor with racist Whites.

    For example, Crossover Negro Politicans like to distance themselves from AAs by making a point of BEING SEEN by Whites while telling us off—like Bill Clinton went out of his way to “diss” Sister Souljah (i.e., when Obama made a point of lecturing AA men about their paternal irresponsibility).

    Incidentally, what Obama said in this particular incident was factually correct. I just didn’t appreciate his motives for doing it—to prove (yet again) to Whites that he has no special affection for AAs. And that he’s going to “tell us off” for their pleasure. That’s an instance of truth-telling that I refuse to celebrate—the motives were all wrong.

    This is why I acknowledge the truth of Bill Cosby’s statements while ALSO acknowledging that he personally lacks the ethical credibility to make them (due to his adultery and alleged date rape drugging of women). As far as I’m concerned, Ar-ruh Kelly is equally qualified to join Bill Cosby on his “let me lecture AAs about moral virtue” lectures.

    (3) The problem comes from the fact that most AAs won’t listen to the people who are telling us the truth because they want to see us do better (non-AAs like JaliliMaster, AAs like Min. Farrakhan usually have to couple truthful critiques of AA irresponsibility with denunciations of Whites for AAs to listen, and so on).

    Instead, we want everybody to pretend that what we’re doing is okay and even equal to superior circumstances. This is how you have all these AA fools who repeat statements about how “marriage is just a piece of paper…one parent is just as good as two parents…” and other idiotic, life-damaging-for- generations slogans.

    About the single-parent adoption as Plan B, I upset a LOT of folks when I talked about the “reality check” angles (many of which you mentioned in your comment) involved in that at the previous blog.
    ___________________________________

    Karen,

    You said, “We must consider our circumstances and do what is best for us…PERIOD. The days of putting ourselves last is over. If that upsets the race women and men, so be it.”

    Exactly!

    Peace, blessings and solidarity.

  11. KM says:

    This actually has given me an idea to update my own blog with…

    I’m now 26 and I’ve realized from looking at college peers’ facebooks and stuff that many of my peers (24-27) are becoming baby mommas, are still entangled with Ray-Ray from the block or with Jerome for college (who have no intentions of marrying them). There are a couple girls married and one of them is always posting how she doesn’t understand how people complain about BW marriage rates when she’s married. She has two children, one she had as a teen. However, the color complex comes in because she’s very light with naturally straight hair. To colorist BM, she’s more of a catch than someone like me (brown skinned, tightly wound hair). She and many other BW in my age group don’t see it and bash everyone else for talking about it.

    It’s just another cycle in a vicious circle. Those who don’t know History are doomed to repeat it. “My people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge..” (Hosea 4:6) is oh so very true here. But then, more of us are realizing that the IBM doesn’t exist and won’t save us: it’s up to us to save ourselves and meet real men of all races who want to marry and cherish us.

  12. Magenta says:

    Nathifa,

    I definitely think that white guilt plays a role. That is why they love films like Blind Side and Precious lol!

    Khadija and Lisa99,

    These Baby Ikettes are all over the internet. I am 30 and don’t consider myself an “old head” by any means and I am floored by the disrespect shown by these girls. I think many of them revel in the fact that they are still in their “prime” and have not yet had the cultural beatdown that many BW 25 and older go through. Not only do they like to engage in this foolish race-talk, but they love to taunt older BW who are single, unwed moms or have had any other difficulty. Honestly they are just as vicious as men in their attacks. When you call them out on it, they will then make derogatory references towards your age and call you old. I don’t know if their family or some AA studies professor is the one that is filling their heads with this nonsense, but I am glad you are shutting these girls down. But like you said they think they are the “exception” and that their IBM is right around the corner. Ha!

    There are so few safe spaces to have these discusses that it infuriates me when trolls infiltrate them.

  13. Magenta says:

    Khadija,

    After reading your response I agree there is a huge difference between giving honest commentary and deliberately insulting AAs under the guise of trying to help. Many of the right-wing talking heads are guilty of the latter. Many biracial and non American blacks engage in the same behavior. Then you have the ones who may not be coming from a place of hate but stay silent because of white guilt or fear of being called a racist. And then you have well intentioned blacks (not the self hating Uncle Ruckus types) who also stay silent for fear of being called Toms. So they will continue to give this terrible advice.

    After writing this, it occurred to me that there are so many messages being delivered to blacks, and BW in particular. Many have never taken the time to examine the motivation(s) behind any of these messages. Anytime a person’s motivations are questioned, someone will give a lecture about “shooting the messenger” (another tired slogan blacks have taken out of context and ran into the ground). No other group of people takes everything being said to them at face value.

  14. NijaG says:

    Khadija

    (1) It’s VERY difficult for anybody to tell AAs anything at all that makes any sense. We tend to accuse them of being racists if they are nonblack. We also tend to get offended if non-AA Blacks try to tell us common-sense things. So, most other people have decided that it’s safest and easiest to humor AAs with the crazy things we say.
    ***************************************************************

    I’m Nigerian-American (so non-AA). I was born here, raised in Nigeria, but visited quite often. So, I consider myself very westernized. Just to touch on your statement. I’m one of who now tends to humor the AAs that I work with and know casually, even a few close friends. Especially when it comes to certain kinds of topics.

    Most of this is usually with women and the topic of men and rlsps/family. I stopped even giving input ‘cos it got to the point where while they would listen, they would tend to dismiss my advice ‘cos of the fact that I wasn’t AA so they felt/feel that my POV doesn’t necessarily apply. So now if I say one or two things, and I don’t think it’s being received well, I keep my mouth shut and as my cousin likes to say, “Sista, Do You.”

    ***************************************************************

    There are also scenarios where the non-AA “truth-teller” is telling the truth in order to verbally abuse AAs.

    I’ve always been sensitive to when people do stuff like this and either call them on it or cut or limit interactions.

  15. Nathifa,

    It seems to me that the White liberals that have been described are simply repeating the nonsense that large numbers of AAs scream to the skies: “marriage is just a piece of paper…one parent is just as good as two parents…” etc.

    Yes, there’s a level of condescension involved in them saying that this mess is good enough for us, even though they would never do these crazy things in their lives. But haven’t AAs been running around screaming that this mess IS good enough (for us)? And, considering how AAs howl at anybody who questions our crazy slogans, isn’t the safest thing for any non-AA to do is to either agree or remain silent when we say this mess?
    _____________________________________

    KM,

    It’s not just younger BW. I see a widespread AA disconnect from reality. No matter what happens all around us, most of us stubbornly resist getting a clue.

    Everyday, I see a similar thing with many of my AA colleagues at work. On a number of isses, many of them refuse to believe that things are “that bad.” And that’s the phrase that most of them use—“that bad.” Most of the AA women at work refuse to believe that things are “that bad” to warrant more AA women dating and marrying out.

    About the crime issue, most of them refuse to believe or say that things are “that bad” to warrant fleeing the presence of large numbers of Blacks. Even those AA colleagues who live in White suburbs refuse to make this acknowledgment out loud!

    Despite the fact that their everyday work revolves around the explosion of crime and violence among AAs, there’s a HUGE disconnect in my AA coworkers’ minds between what they see at work and the reality that it could happen to them. The only AA colleague who’s in touch with reality on the crime tip is the guy I went to college with. I’ve mentioned him before during safety, self-defense, and gun conversations at the old blog.

    The bottom line is that most AAs are not going to make it. The challenge for this era is to turn away from the fools who are busy trying to breathe water, and strengthen our connections to other survivors and thrivers.
    _________________________________________

    Magenta,

    The more I think about it, the more I realize that these Baby Ikettes have the SAME vicious spirits as the gang girls who slice other girls’ faces with razor blades. These Baby Ikettes are slicing and maiming other BW’s spirits, instead of their faces. These gang-girl/Baby Ikettes need to be FIRMLY checked whenever they show up.

    I don’t care about accusations of being an “old head.” The same way as a college student, I didn’t care about accusations of being a “lesbian” when I talked about sexism. I just don’t care about any of that.

    Yes, there are plenty of messages being thrown at AA women. More of us are going to have to learn to practice discernment.
    _____________________________________

    NijaG,

    You said, “I’m Nigerian-American (so non-AA). I was born here, raised in Nigeria, but visited quite often. So, I consider myself very westernized. Just to touch on your statement. I’m one of who now tends to humor the AAs that I work with and know casually, even a few close friends. Especially when it comes to certain kinds of topics….Most of this is usually with women and the topic of men and rlsps/family.

    …So now if I say one or two things, and I don’t think it’s being received well, I keep my mouth shut and as my cousin likes to say, “Sista, Do You.””

    I don’t blame you; I also refuse to fight with folks to try to tell them something helpful. My version of “Sista, Do You” is “If you like it, I love it.”

    Peace, blessings and solidarity.

  16. Evia says:

    Regarding how people take bits from cultures and use them out of context, well just the opposite is the case with these young “race women” when they diss any person who is in an age-grade of 5 years and above older. They’re definitely not following what occurs in most cultures there. It is a strict NO-NO in most African cultures for ex. to diss an elder. Respect for elders is one of the cornerstones of African culture. This is also the case in Asian culture (and others) because it is recognized that USUALLY older people have had more experience and from experience should and often does come knowledge and wisdom. And wisdom is priceless. European culture also recognizes experience as being valuable and this is why they require it for jobs and such.

    But not AAs. Not happening with AAs. Experience and wisdom are laughed at and ridiculed by typical acting-black AAs these days and they are the majority of AAs. Those are alien ideas to them. The bulk of them see no value in experience/wisdom. Of course, some AAs still have common sense and wisdom, but the overwhelming majority of AAs with commonsense and wisdom keep their mouths shut.

    And I sometimes refer to all of these young angry bw as “sista-soldiers” because they SEEM to think they’re fighting a war that has long ago ended IF there ever was a war. They are so deluded and are being “used” which is the usual for AA women. There are NO brotha-soldiers–only opportunist bm. Bm encourage these soldier bw to fight other bw and wm and to be eternally angry at wm. Meanwhile the typical bm is pursuing the wm’s sister for sex, love, and marriage.

    History has SHOWN us this (referring now to Halima’s current post), but these little girls refuse to see history. Yet when they get stranded out there with their kids that those “foine” brothas have left them with, they then start yelping this “It takes a village” mess and expect for us to come running to help them out.

  17. YMB says:

    Khadija,

    I am so glad you made the point about how hard gays and lesbians are struggling for the right to legally marry. This is something that has always struck me because if marriage has no real meaning or value, why is there such concern over who is allowed to get a “piece of paper that only insecure people need to legitimize their relationships”? Why has it been a right that our government has adamantly refused to grant to various groups (including AAs!) throughout our history?

    I think it is sour grapes on the part of some AA women since they don’t feel it’s even a remote possibility for them. And they’re right, as long as they want to stay stuck on the idea of only a black man will do. The race girls who think they will be the exception and that the low marriage rate is because other black women aren’t worthy of marriage need to check the census and catch a clue; by and large black men are not marrying Becky, Lupe, Ming Le, or anyone else.

  18. mochachoc says:

    You know, I think a large part of the problem also lies with lack of thinking and planning. Since I came across black women empowerment blogs (sadly only a few weeks ago. Where have I been?) it has occured to me that many Black people are simply unaccustomed to thinking and planning their lives. As such, many young Black people conduct their lives as if they have forever and as though there are no consequences for poor choice.

    Last night I watched a programme where a group of MP’s (Member of Parliament) are living with people who live in tower blocks. One MP is staying with a young black single-mother who lives with her own mother. The MP asked her whether she would like the father of her baby involved it its life. Yes of course she replied. And what about you? No I wouldn’t like him in my life, definitely not. I noted that this MP clearly had an expectation that fathers are there for the mother of the child too. Children need engaged fathers, mothers need them too. I think many Black people have forgotten this. For too long we have failed to pass on the expectation of marriage.

    I do think many single mothers who shout out loud ‘I don’t need no man’ are in fact defending themselves. If you love your children you know they need a dad. It is painful to acknowledge, no matter what you do there is no replacement for a dad. Mum can never be all. Hence, it becomes easier to extol the virtues of single-motherhood, when what you are really doing is attempting to cover pain. And that pain comes in all guises: you’re alone with a huge responsibility, your children are at a disadvantage from the get go, you made poor choices, you’re financially impoverished and so on. Then there is shame. I know I often had to fight against that feeling. I can’t tell you what it does to the spirit to read and hear the statistics quoted repeatedly that children from single- parent homes fare worse.

    No. We cannot afford to continue in this manner. It is foolish. If people are interested in protecting black families, the obvious thing to do would be to promote marriage. Black women cannot afford to buy into the rhetoric that marriage is oppressive. That is not our battleground. Liberal ideas floated at us have only served to diminish the quality of our lives. I mean we fell for the erroneous belief that living with someone is on a par with being married. I always ask if marriage is ‘just a piece of paper’ why is it such a threat. We wouldn’t buy a house or start a business without a contract. As you say Khadija, we need to be mindful of our position before we take on the ideals of others. Anecdotally, I see no evidence of White women choosing to have children young and out of wedlock. Many of them choose to marry before they are thirty. Yet when they enter the ‘helping’ professions they bend over backwards with their twisted theories of how to accommodate and ‘understand’ disenfranchised young Black people.

    By the way I think your argument could be extended to other areas. For example; should Black women ignore the alcohol limits recommended by government. There is a case to suggest our alcohol consumption should be far lower.

  19. lisa99 says:

    Evia said,
    “And I sometimes refer to all of these young angry bw as “sista-soldiers” because they SEEM to think they’re fighting a war that has long ago ended IF there ever was a war.”

    That’s exactly what I was getting at in my post! Now, I understand collegiate idealism. You go off to school, sit in the ivory tower, get your head filled with all of this new information and ideas and you want to go and change the world. I get that. That’s a part of youth. Young people are idealistic.

    But as others have said, I see a complete lack of decorum and “home-training” when these people decide that they’re going to jump into conversations to “instruct” their elders or slightly older peers about “what they need to learn,” as if those older peers and elders just fell off the turnip truck yesterday. And this is not me taking issue with hearing input from young people — it’s taking issue with their sense of entitlement and their belief that it’s perfectly fine for them to attempt to browbeat others with all of their newfound “knowledge” that ain’t hardly new.

    The whole “black love, black community, black history” battle/war is OVER. They’re like those Japanese soldiers that were found in the 1970s hiding in bushes who never got word that World War II had ended over 30+ years ago, and that they could go home now.

    And as you said, was there a war to begin with? Who was fighting? Was it just black women? And what was the nature of this battle?

    I agree that these race girls are baby Ikettes. They can easily be put in their place by confident, smart and well-educated BW, but if they prey on other BW’s “weak spots” (being single and childless, etc.), they can cause serious damage.

    Oh, and some of these “race girls” are among the vocal group saying that two parents don’t matter (seriously!!!)… that “good parenting” is all that matters and the number of parents don’t matter. Many were raised by single mothers themselves and are now going to college and are actively screaming this message from the rooftops… it’s dangerous because they’re putting an educated spin on it by using numbers and statistics that promote their point of view, or using themselves as examples that they turned out “fine” without a father.

  20. Felicia says:

    Khadija,

    You said…

    “Everyday, I see a similar thing with many of my AA colleagues at work. On a number of issues, many of them refuse to believe that things are “that bad.” And that’s the phrase that most of them use—”that bad.””

    Well, it just goes to show how far in denial they are. I’m almost embarrassed for these folks because EVERYONE ELSE who is not indoctrinated can see CLEARLY that things are not only “bad”, but disastrous in some cases.

    I was watching Anderson Cooper 360 recently and he exposed this mass open gravesite in Haiti where these bodies had been desecrated and dumped like trash without the least bit of care or concern. Bodies strewn about and limbs sticking out of these mounds. Nightmarish stuff.

    Anyway, Anderson was discussing this horrendous situation with Haiti’s minister of information Marie Laurene Lasseque who was smiling like a mindless IDIOT and lying to Anderson’s face AFTER the world has ALREADY seen what’s going on there for some time now. There’s nothing that can be “covered up” or “explained” because everyone in the world already knows the truth as does she of course.SMH

    But she was up there smiling and saying “no” no”, we’ve done this that and the other…

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_9cSQx6NYzrU/S2JdFYVvPlI/AAAAAAAANVA/9SFum09Slms/s1600-h/1+28b.JPG

    http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/americas/01/30/haiti.mass.graves/index.html?iref=allsearch

    “Marie Laurence Lasseque, Haiti’s minister of information, denied to CNN’s Anderson Cooper that the dead had been transported out of the city by truck and dumped out of view without burial.
    She said the state-run trucking company CNE was “doing a good job” disposing bodies.”

    SMDH

    This is the SAME insane behavior that I’ve noticed occurring wherever BW and Black children are suffering around the world. And yes obviously in America too. Just deny – preferably while smiling – that the sickness does’t exists OR claim it’s not as bad as it is. And somebody is supposed to believe this obvious lie and go about their life as if everything is normal?SMH

    Suffering BW deep down DO know what the real deal is and WHO’S responsible for their (and their children’s) lowly state. They know WHAT’S responsible (refusal to look at QUALITY and ONLY quality regardless of “race” in regard to mate selection) for their and their children’s lowly state. And everybody ELSE also knows why BW and black children are suffering to a greater extent then everyone else world wide. It’s because of who most BW (BM many of whom are damaged and worthless these days and honestly don’t desire to build working stable cultures or be good husbands and providers to BW and the black children they produce with black women if they can help it) have hitched their wagons to as they continue to ride of the cliff.

    It’s a free country so AA BW (who know the truth yet willfully CHOOSE to be “blind”) can continue to basically commit suicide if they choose to. But they certainly look FOOLISH and dumb doing it. Smiling and whatnot. They ain’t fooling NO ONE. They are CHOOSING to suffer and sink IF they
    know there’s a better way and choose not to act on that knowledge.

    Smart AA BW who choose NOT to commit suicide but instead survive and THRIVE need to CONTINUE to separate themselves from the lemmings. And concentrate on SELF – and not being another negative statistic – FIRST AND FOREMOST.

  21. Felicia says:

    “Just deny – preferably while smiling – that the sickness does’t exists…”

    My mistake. I obviously meant just deny that the sickness exists. Pretend that everything’s fine.

    Apparently that’s what the majority of BW wan’t to hear on some level. Why? I don’t know. Perhaps they believe that by continuing to believe these lies (the African-American collective is not really sinking and as fast as we – and social scientists – say it is) they have something – even though it’s not tangible OR real – to “hold on too”.

    Pretty sad.

  22. KM says:

    @everyone

    From what I remember from college (01-06), it’s too much of a payoff for the baby ikettes to disrupt and deny. They’ve grown up in the mess, they know what time it is but breaking the cycle means having to acknowledge the truth. The truth burns and it hurts. It’s easier to attack everyone else instead of admitting the truth and changing.

    As for Haiti, I’m not surprised. DBRs are in full effect and what they allow to be seen on the news will just be the tip of the iceberg.

  23. Evia,

    These rude and disrespectful “race girls” are totally out of touch with “old-school” AA values. Disrespectfully talking out the side of your neck to an elder or other older non-peer was a NO-NO. [And still is, for those of us who have any sense.]

    You said, “And I sometimes refer to all of these young angry bw as “sista-soldiers” because they SEEM to think they’re fighting a war that has long ago ended IF there ever was a war. They are so deluded and are being “used” which is the usual for AA women. There are NO brotha-soldiers–only opportunist bm. Bm encourage these soldier bw to fight other bw and wm and to be eternally angry at wm. Meanwhile the typical bm is pursuing the wm’s sister for sex, love, and marriage.”

    Exactly! These “race girls” can allow themselves to be pimped if they want to be; that’s not my concern. My issue is them trying to bully other BW into drowning right along with them.

    You said, “History has SHOWN us this (referring now to Halima’s current post), but these little girls refuse to see history. Yet when they get stranded out there with their kids that those “foine” brothas have left them with, they then start yelping this “It takes a village” mess and expect for us to come running to help them out.”

    No, no bailing out belligerent “race girls.” They need to go find a “brotha” to help them out of the mess the other “brotha” left them with.
    _____________________________________

    YMB,

    You said, “I think it is sour grapes on the part of some AA women since they don’t feel it’s even a remote possibility for them. And they’re right, as long as they want to stay stuck on the idea of only a black man will do.”

    Exactly; they’re trying to save face.

    You said, “The race girls who think they will be the exception and that the low marriage rate is because other black women aren’t worthy of marriage need to check the census and catch a clue; by and large black men are not marrying Becky, Lupe, Ming Le, or anyone else.”

    Yep. I don’t care if the race girls stay on the Titanic as it sinks to the ocean floor. I just want them to stop blocking other BW from the emergency exits.
    ___________________________________

    Mochachoc,

    You said, “Since I came across black women empowerment blogs (sadly only a few weeks ago. Where have I been?)”

    Better late than never; I’m delighted that you found us! Welcome aboard!

    You said, “Then there is shame. I know I often had to fight against that feeling. I can’t tell you what it does to the spirit to read and hear the statistics quoted repeatedly that children from single- parent homes fare worse.”

    We’ve all made mistakes. Some are visible to other people; and other mistakes aren’t. With this part of your comment, you’ve raised something else that I hope to discuss at this blog: practical ideas about moving forward despite feelings of shame, loss, disappointment, and sadness.

    To paraphrase a saying that I’ve seen on posters: We need to hone the practical skills involved in being able to dance (or at minimum keep walking) even when it’s “raining” in our lives.

    Most conversations that are intended as inspirational seem to be at either end of extremes. Either they encourage and enable folks to remain stuck in these sorts of down feelings. Or they’re in full “rah-rah” mode, and not acknowledging how immobilizing these sorts of feelings can be. I’m still reading a lot of materials, and not ready to discuss this now, but I hope to do so in future posts.
    _______________________________________

    Lisa99,

    You said, “Many were raised by single mothers themselves and are now going to college and are actively screaming this message from the rooftops… it’s dangerous because they’re putting an educated spin on it by using numbers and statistics that promote their point of view, or using themselves as examples that they turned out “fine” without a father.”

    That’s an extremely dangerous trend. More of us need to speak up in support of common sense.
    ___________________________________

    Felicia,

    You said, “Suffering BW deep down DO know what the real deal is and WHO’S responsible for their (and their children’s) lowly state.”

    This is true; acknowledging the truth is taboo among us.

    You said, “Smart AA BW who choose NOT to commit suicide but instead survive and THRIVE need to CONTINUE to separate themselves from the lemmings. And concentrate on SELF – and not being another negative statistic – FIRST AND FOREMOST.”

    That’s the bottom line.
    ___________________________________

    KM,

    I don’t care about the Baby Ikettes; I just want them to stop blocking the emergency exits.

    Peace, blessings and solidarity.

  24. JaliliMaster says:

    Khadija said:
    “JaliliMaster, please correct me if I’m wrong, but here’s my “read between the lines” interpretation of this part of your comment: “Y’all AAs need to STOP putting me and mine (as Africans) in the middle of YOUR dysfunctional mess! STOP referring to any of what you’ve only heard about some of our (African) cultures. Y’all don’t know what you’re talking about!”

    And if you feel this way, I don’t blame you! If this is a misreading of your reaction to this crazy AA “village” talk, please let me know. I just know that if I was African, I would be extremely annoyed to hear clueless non-Africans try to hijack and distort pieces of MY culture in order to try to justify THEIR mess.”

    My reply: Yes, you misunderstood where I was coming from, but it’s possible that it may have been a subconscious thought, although I doubt it. I don’t see these types as women of trying to burden their African sisters. They are not. It is their fellow AA sisters that they are looking to pick up their slack. As regards them using all sorts of slangs and sayings, I meant that it is very convenient for them to refer to Africa and make all sorts of claims, knowing that most people wouldn’t question it. A man from, say, Guatemala, can tell you that he went to ‘Africa’ and saw goats that were the size of elephants, most people would believe him, only because he said it was in Africa. It is in that same mind that these women annoy me, because they aren’t just trying to guilt other AA women into supporting them, they are using some ‘black’ card, in this case oh great motherland Africa, where black kings and queens roam, and rivers flow with milk (I’m being sarcastic), to racially guilt other AA women, knowing most of these women wouldn’t question their nonsense, because apparently, they do it in Africa.

    On a final note, you’ll never see me doing some ‘me and mine’ using the whole of Africa, as it really doesn’t mean anything. That’s like a Canadian or American or Mexican (help me with my Geography please) using the whole of North America as their ‘people’. I’ve met very few Africans who are really ‘Pan-African’, despite how much they pretend they are.

  25. JaliliMaster,

    Thanks for clarifying all of that! *Smile*

    You said, “I’ve met very few Africans who are really ‘Pan-African’, despite how much they pretend they are.”

    Folks need to let go of that “Pan-African” daydream. Across the planet and across the board. And start dealing in the real world practices of MUTUAL benefit and RECIPROCITY.

    Peace, blessings and solidarity.

  26. ak says:

    Hi Khadija how have you been?

    Even though I’m a bit late to this post LOL this Thursday in the UK on Channel 4 they’re going to show a show during prime time hours called ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ and it will be a real life mini-documentary type deal showing Gypsy, or Romany people marrying of their young girls who are usually 13 to 19 in age with the ‘oldhead’ Romany girls getting married in their early to mid 20s! The PC word for a Gypsy/Romany person in Britain is ‘traveler’ so this show is about people from the ‘traveler’ community usually from Irish descent but of course they come from other parts of Europe also, like eastern Europe and it’s just the Romany tradition to marry off their teenage girls and to see their girls get pregnant after marriage right away.

    Why am I bringing this up? Just because this show will show that marriage is a normal NORM for people of all walks of life and not ‘just for white people’! Romany people were always persecuted such as during the Holocaust and ostracized and they’re still ostracized as people think all Romany people steal and put curses on people. Yet they value marriage even if they are a people who are permanently on society’s outskirts.

    So what are black people’s excuse then? We can’t afford to be cute and say that ‘We don’t need marriage in order to have and raise kids’!

  27. ***Audience Note***

    I’m not interested in turning this blog into a repository for DBRBM horror stories. [This is why a moment ago, I rejected a comment that had been submitted to this thread.] If a DBRBM horror story is relevant to the blog post, or naturally comes up during the course of the conversation, then I’ll probably let it through. But I’m not interested in having a storehouse of DBRBM horror stories.

    When I mention horror stories, I try to do so as a way of illustrating a larger point. Such as why AAW need to let go of believing the historical fairy tale that “BM and BW were in it together throughout our history here in America”. NO, AA men have historically been in it for themselves. Alone.

    The civil rights, Black Nationalist BM leadership horror stories, and assorted other DBRBM horror stories I’ve mentioned on occassion here are for the purpose of dispelling this “in it together” illusion. So that more AAW can clear away the cobwebs and clearly look at where their own interests lie.

    Peace, blessings and solidarity.