The First National Tune-Out Neutral, Low-Value, And No-Value Black Men Week

As I moderate the comments submitted here and read other Black women’s blogs, I see that many of you have not started to tune out people, places, and things that contribute nothing to your life. Specifically, you haven’t learned how to tune out neutral, low-, and no-value African-American males. Most of you continue to pay avid attention to what such men are saying and doing.

Even worse, many of you try to deposit toxic Black men’s verbal poison at the Black women’s blogs that you visit. Over and again, attentive blog hosts have had to edit out the links that you leave leading back to toxic Black men’s blogs. Blogs where the Black male blog host is either: (1) gaslighting Black women (telling African-American women that they aren’t seeing what they see or hearing what they hear in real life), or (2) trying to further break Black women’s spirits. I don’t understand why you persist in visiting such blogs. I really don’t understand why you persist in trying to spread that particular poison to other Black women.

I only pay close attention to the people, places, ideas or things that add positive value to my life. I don’t pay attention to the destructive people that want to subtract from my life. I also don’t pay much attention to the neutral people who aren’t doing anything for me. The time you spend talking to, listening to, or reading the views of neutral, low-value, and no-value African-American men is unhealthy. That time would be better spent on people, places, ideas, and things that actively enhance your life.

THIS INCLUDES NEUTRAL, NONCONTRIBUTING BLACK MEN

So, in the spirit of the annual national Turn Off The TV Week, I’m asking you to tune out neutral, low-value, and no-value Black men this week. I don’t just mean the toxic or damaged Black men. I’m talking about tuning out ALL Black men who aren’t contributing something of value to your life. This includes the neutral Black men who aren’t doing anything against you, but they’re also not doing anything for you.

These neutral Black men are not checking for you. Why are you always checking for them? Your habit of paying attention to these noncontributing, neutral Black men is blocking many of you from paying attention to the non-Black men in your environment that could (and would) benefit you. Halima, blog host of Black Women’s Interracial Relationship Circle, has done a recent post containing a link about this behavior pattern.

I want more African-American women to realize how this is completely out of touch with normal female behavior. The overall, timeless human pattern is that normal women respond only to the extent that a man looks and acts fit, willing, and able to be of some benefit to her. There’s a word for women who grin and skin at indifferent-acting, neutral men: GROUPIES.

Most of you already know how to tune out noncontributing women. But you continue checking for, and responding to, noncontributing Black men.

I understand that many of you have been conditioned to always hop and skip toward, pay attention to, and respond to any and all Black men that come your way. Regardless of these men’s indifferent (or even negative) behavior toward you. I’m asking you to take the first step to breaking the habit this week. I’m asking you to take back your peace of mind. This week I’m asking you to tune-out the Black men who contribute nothing of value to your life:

Don’t talk to noncontributing Black men this week. If you’re in a work or similar setting where it would create problems not to respond to a noncontributing Black male, keep your responses as brief as possible.

If for some reason, you must (briefly) interact with a noncontributing Black man this week, don’t look into his eyes. Instead, look at a point near the top of his forehead. The eyes are a window into the soul. Looking into someone’s eyes draws you further into the interaction.

Don’t read noncontributing Black men’s blogs this week.

Don’t read news reports about noncontributing Black men this week.

Don’t talk about the thoughts, views, or activities of noncontributing Black men this week.

Tuning out useless people helps give us time to think, read, create, and do the healthier things we never have time for. Tuning out such individuals reduces the stress in our lives. It creates room in our lives for better people, places, ideas and things.

For the first few days this week, I’m going to close the comments to this post. I want you to try this experience and then report on how you feel after a couple of days. I know how much better I felt once I started making a point of tuning out noncontributing people. Noncontributing people are time-wasters and energy drains.

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23 Responses to “The First National Tune-Out Neutral, Low-Value, And No-Value Black Men Week”

  1. Let me begin this conversation with a few additional observations.

    Reading the Asian male blogger’s experience that Halima linked to in her latest post was what prompted this particular essay. I’ve seen far too many AA women engage in this behavior in real life (they swarm around indifferent AA males while ignoring all the non-BM—including the friendly and helpful ones in their environment). It’s crazy behavior. And this sort of behavior goes a very long way in undermining AA women’s interests—such AA women are shooting themselves (and other AA women) in the foot in so many ways.

    I hope folks realize how completely out of touch with normal female behavior this sort of thing is. The overall, timeless, eternal human pattern is that normal women respond only to the extent that a man looks and acts fit, willing, and able to be of some benefit to her. There’s a word for women who grin and skin at indifferent-acting, neutral men: GROUPIES.

    Another thing is that many AA women’s perception of what is “neutral” is off-kilter when it comes to BM. That’s why I made a point of including so-called “neutral” BM in The Great Neutral, Low-Value, and No-Value BM Tune-Out. Many (if not most) of the BM that AA women think are “neutral” are actually negative in terms of BW. Too many AA women give BM benefits of doubts that they don’t deserve. There is no doubt about certain BM. And with other BM, if they haven’t actively done anything to get themselves placed into the “helpful man” category, that’s a message all by itself. A AA male’s choice to NOT be the slightest bit helpful to the BW around him IS a choice.

    Meanwhile, far too many AA women are falling over themselves to grin and skin at random, unknown, indifferent BM.

    Too many AA women “talk the talk” of not being preoccupied with negativity, but their actions say something else. Now, from time to time, I’ll read or talk about some nonsense. But that does NOT form the bulk of where I direct my attention. Whatever you focus on in your daily life tends to expand.

    I closed the comments to this post for the first couple of days because I wanted more of you to actually DO this tune-out. Instead of just talking about why you should tune-out noncontributing BM.

    I find it quite telling that so many AA women’s conversations consistently revolve around noncontributing AA males. Y’all endlessly hang onto the latest words and activities of these noncontributing BM. Why? Why do you set aside room in your hearts and minds—a majority share, at that—for useless men? Men who are absolutely useless when it comes to YOU and YOUR interests.

    If an AA male is not doing anything for you—and looks unlikely to do anything for you in the future—why are you paying him any attention at all? Again, he and other neutral BM like him are NOT checking for you. Why are you checking for them?

    Not to mention the “poison-distributor” behavior. You know, the thing where some of y’all feel compelled to come among other AA women and repeat the latest BW-spirit-crushing-poison spewed by BW-hating AA males. When you do that, you make yourself an accomplice to those particular BW-hating AA males. You’re spreading THEIR poison in places that they can’t even get into! Places that are supposed to be safe spaces for AA women. Why in the world would you do that? Why are you working overtime to break other AA women’s spirits?

    For the love of God, please STOP doing that to other AA women.

    Expect Success!

  2. Professher says:

    Love the post, ESPECIALLY the inclusion of so-called “neutral” males, i.e., those who haven’t affirmatively helped or harmed BW. As biology and society historically have REQUIRED men to respond to women (even if the men aren’t heterosexual or attracted, even if a woman is going to “shoot them down,” i.e., reject advances or perceived overtures)? Neutral males are, essentially, quite definitively OFF, as far as I’m concerned; their taking no position IS taking a position, as far as I’m concerned.

  3. Professher,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

    You said,“…ESPECIALLY the inclusion of so-called “neutral” males, i.e., those who haven’t affirmatively helped or harmed BW. As biology and society historically have REQUIRED men to respond to women (even if the men aren’t heterosexual or attracted, even if a woman is going to “shoot them down,” i.e., reject advances or perceived overtures)?”

    Indeed. It’s another example of how far away from HUMAN norms mass AA behavior has become. I had to explain to a couple of BF colleagues why I never speak to 2 particular “neutral” AA males who work in our building, and why they need to STOP speaking to these individuals: These 2 particular Negroes never speak first to BW. Quiet as its kept, these 2 individuals require BW to speak first to them before they’ll say “Good Morning” or any other such greeting.

    [These are 2 suit-wearing AA males with "good jobs." One individual is an attorney in my firm. Another one is a supervisor in another office.]

    What shocked me is that these BW didn’t even notice this behavior pattern until AFTER I explicitly pointed it out. One woman even wanted to debate with me before she took the time to “peep” these 2 Negroes’ pattern. She challenged me, “Are you saying that you never, ever say ‘Good Morning’ first to a guy you know?”

    As I told her, NOT unless that particular man has already established the pattern of usually speaking to me and greeting me FIRST, and doing things like holding doors open for me FIRST. A man has to affirmatively reach out FIRST for me to respond favorably to him. As opposed to simply ignoring him.

    Now, one of these AA males has started holding doors and elevator doors open for me. [He wasn't doing this before. He also routinely doesn't do this for the other BW who are grinning and skinning at him.] On those occassions when he does that for me, I’ll say “thank you” AFTER he does that one act of having manners. Again, I only respond to the extent that he takes positive action FIRST. Since he normally does nothing to reach out first, I normally ignore him and don’t speak to him.

    Unfortunately, there are plenty of BW who grin and skin at these 2 men. And the men sort-of respond to the BW who grin and skin. [They give responses that are a 1-2 degrees less bubbly than the greetings that BW give them.] The whole situation is upside-down and backwards from normal gendered interactions.

    You said, “Neutral males are, essentially, quite definitively OFF, as far as I’m concerned; their taking no position IS taking a position, as far as I’m concerned.”

    ITA!

    Expect Success!

  4. mochachoc says:

    Hello Khadija you did it again. You hit the nail on the head. Tune out is my favourite phrase right now.

    I don’t automatically smile at black men when I see them checking me out. Some of them feel quite put out when I don’t smile at them. They are so accustomed to black women glowing and fawning all appreciatively in response to any little itsy bitsy lame look they give they’re baffled when you don’t. I don’t repeat their nonsense. I get sick to my stomach when I’ve read the poison some of them spew, I absolutely refuse to read anything by black men now. This may seem a little extreme but even when they purport to call me ‘sister’ or ‘Nubian’ or they claim to love us, I always find them a disappointment. They invariably neglect to see that their mass migration away from supporting and defending (economically, emotionally, physically) their children, their women, their mothers and sisters has contributed to the mess we’re in. I don’t engage in debates with them. It is a waste of precious time. I don’t try to point out to them the error of their way’s. Again; its a waste of time. I don’t hope they will change. Too bad for them I say. I no longer ask the few black male friends I have how they are. I always get a long story about whatsup with them. Once they’ve finished unburdening they usually remember they’ve got somewhere to go. They won’t make time to be a shoulder to lean on. I used to get emails with pictures of outlandish ‘ugly’ people. 9 times out of 10 they were of obese black women showing all and sundry. These emails were always sent by black men or stupid black women. They obviously found them amusing. I put a stop to these. They are offensive. And it is clear black people have no understanding what poor PR these kind of images are. Then again, maybe they do and that is the aim.

    I’m with you. Black women need to stop linking to the madness of black men. I made it a point not to follow links to the dastardly antics and words of black men. What would be the point.

    Tuning out is something I’ve been doing more of in several areas of my life. I like my peace. I like limiting as much poison as possible. I like my settled mind. I like giving myself time to think and wonder. It’s funny, when you tune out for awhile you think the world may have changed somewhat. Open the door again and you discover it’s business as usual. The cacophony of voices come flooding in.

  5. pioneervalleywoman says:

    Wasn’t that story that Halima linked to so telling! Fawning over bm who are married, practically running over the single man next to them, all to make a connection to some man who is of no value!

    Let’s see, since you posted this, I have been thinking about my interactions with BM this week.

    One was with a good value BM colleague whom I met at a faculty meet-up some weeks ago at his department. After our meeting, he sent an email which was cordial and welcoming. Thus, I felt comfortable reaching out to him for advice on a project. He sent me links for lots of material and put me in touch with someone else who can offer insights for now, since he will be out of the country for a few weeks.

    The rest were neutral BM whom I saw in random situations, walking to the gym, walking through the supermarket, or walking around the museum exhibit with the husband. All of them, to be ignored. I don’t know them, was not in any situation where I had to interact, I felt no need to make eye contact or reach out. I felt no reason to make any sort of connection, and especially when I was with the husband and random BM were looking at me/us–focusing on the husband is far more important to me.

    [As an aside, I have noticed bw in contexts where they are talking/interacting with non-bm, and if they don't fawn over the first bm who are in the vicinity, all of a sudden they become so focused on the bm who are around, that they ignore the men they are with, ie., even their dates!!!!! Too rude for words...SMH.]

    But here is the thing, I’m in the midst of thinking about the exercise, when I saw the front page of a local newspaper showing pictures of students attending one of the high school proms. And what do I see on the cover, a young BM mac-daddy in training with a young ww on each arm! Obviously, no value to me or other black women looking at the newspaper–he had no interest in attending the prom with any of the young bw who go to the high school.

  6. I hope you don’t mind but I put up a link for this essay on another message board I frequent. They really, really needed to read this. If you object, I’ll be more than happy to take it down.

  7. Mochachoc,

    Thank you for your kinds words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “Tune out is my favourite phrase right now.”

    Yes, indeed. Tuning out useless people has become my standard operating procedure. I’ve always tuned out toxic folks. But I wasn’t always as careful and ruthless about tuning out neutral individuals. I didn’t realize how much energy these neutral (noncontributing) folks were draining from me until after I made a point of dropping them off my radar screen.

    You said, “Tuning out is something I’ve been doing more of in several areas of my life. I like my peace. I like limiting as much poison as possible. I like my settled mind. I like giving myself time to think and wonder. It’s funny, when you tune out for awhile you think the world may have changed somewhat. Open the door again and you discover it’s business as usual. The cacophony of voices come flooding in.”

    I feel exactly the same way!
    _____________________________________________

    PioneerValleyWoman,

    You said, “Wasn’t that story that Halima linked to so telling! Fawning over bm who are married, practically running over the single man next to them, all to make a connection to some man who is of no value!”

    Guuurl, wasn’t that craaaay-zeee! I can imagine these same idiotic BW writing in to Halima or Evia to complain that non-BM “aren’t approaching them.”

    No…what I see happening in many real-life instances is what you described when you said, “As an aside, I have noticed bw in contexts where they are talking/interacting with non-bm, and if they don’t fawn over the first bm who are in the vicinity, all of a sudden they become so focused on the bm who are around, that they ignore the men they are with, ie., even their dates!!!!! Too rude for words…SMH.”

    These foolish, Pavlov’s dogs-type of BW are cutting their own throats socially when they space-out on everybody around them except the random BM in the vicinity. And then these BW have the nerve to whine.
    _______________________________________________

    Roslyn,

    Please feel free to link to any of the blog posts here! Thank you in advance! If I had been more savvy about it at the time, I would have had my web designers put up the “share this/tweet this, etc.” links for each post. *Smile* [I could ask them to do it now, but I'm saving my web design budget for future projects.]

    Expect Success!

  8. Karen R. says:

    Hello, Khadija!! This is wise advice and if followed will contribute to the well-being of many AA women.

    First, I have to confess that I got caught up earlier this week about the behavior of a former politician in my area, this was prior to reading your post, however! ;-)

    You said “The overall, timeless, eternal human pattern is that normal women respond to only to the extent that a man looks and acts fit, willing, and able to be of some benefit to her.” This statement is so true. Normal women don’t worry about being labeled a sell-out, stuck-up, too picky, demanding, gold-digger, etc. It is normal for them to have standards. Normal women expect a man to prove himself worthy, yet so often in the AA “community” I see AA women attempting to prove to “eligible” men that they (the AA women) are worthy. It is the dance of “pick me, pick me…I won’t make any demands on you, I’ll make YOUR life easy…” Normal women are taught to wait and evaluate, taking nothing at face value. They don’t make assumptions nor do they extend the benefit of the doubt prematurely.

    In terms of the neutral, low-value and no-value men, AA women need to develop a keen sense of awareness regarding the passively dangerous man and the actively dangerous man. They are different sides of the same coin. Passively dangerous does not equal safe. The passively dangerous man is the one who will talk about helping but doesn’t do anything substantive, truth be told, he doesn’t DO anything at all. He is nothing more than a distractor. His behavior reminds me of the street con men who will approach the victim and ask for the time, while his partner picks the pocket of the victim and runs off with their wallet. The distractor will console the victim, “feel her pain” host panel discussions, sell the victim books, yet he never stops to realize that he is in collusion with the thief. His behavior aids and abets the thief but he maintains his appearance of helpfulness. He never stops the thief!!!

    In relation to the poison distributor behavior, I am possibly guilty of that as well. You said “Places that are supposed to be safe spaces for AA women. Why in the world would you do that? Why are you working overtime to break other AA women’s spirits?” I was made aware of the BWE blogs and your blog in particular last spring/summer. Prior to this time, I knew something was “rotten in Denmark” in terms of the AA “community” yet I couldn’t put my finger on it and the “leaders” of the “community” often seemed to be on the wrong side of the issues. When I have referenced the craziness and the behaviors of DBRBM, it has been in the spirit of “can you believe this____?” My intention has never been to be hurtful or to violate the safety of the readers. I had to think about this today, and my conclusion is that I have been warned. I don’t need to give examples of the most recent act of insanity that occurs. The behaviors of DBRBM is similar to those of the untreated alcoholic. Untreated alcoholism will continue its decline and will over time become worse, never better. I realize today that I need to stop being shocked. I have been warned and I will choose to act accordingly.

  9. Oshun/Aphrodite says:

    Hello Khadija,

    Again this is another awesome post. I really appreciate the “action/lesson” part of the post.

    I think on a subconscious level I had already tuned out/cut off most LV/NV BM in my life – including many family members. There is too much pain/damage there and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had also asked people including family members (my mom included) to stop sharing information with me (my brother is DBR/LV/NV) about what they did, said, are doing etc.. Especially because it seems they are obsessed with me and it is just to much garbage to take in.

    Which is why I don’t understand the women you referred to as poison spreaders. I don’t see how they can take that into themselves and continue to function. When I hear that mess sometimes it lays me low, after all I am human, and then I have to recuperate – so I avoid like the plague to prevent exposure.

    I also appreciate your highlighting neutral men. I have seen a few like that in action and I always felt them to be arrogant because there is the unspoken expectation that they are to be fawned over/accommodated in some way.

    @ Mochachoc

    “I no longer ask the few black male friends I have how they are. I always get a long story about whatsup with them. Once they’ve finished unburdening they usually remember they’ve got somewhere to go. They won’t make time to be a shoulder to lean on.”

    I have been so there. This used to get me so much in the past. I am a real feeler/empath and I crave depth/heart connection in my relationships with people whether we are discussing problems or not. With BM I would get the same thing you did.

    As a matter of fact with a few BM it got to the point where I was their therapist rather than friend. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise because I was cut off so they could continue to talk about themselves and when anything I was going through was ever acknowledged or listened to – it was to dismissed. It got to the point where they would call daily with this stuff.

    I no longer have this problem as I no longer have any BM friends. The last guy who did this I raged on so badly and burned the bridge completely because I felt so used.

    But I suppose this is another way that BM can use BW in addition to the usual of financial and sexual.

  10. Tracy says:

    Great and timely post as usual, K!!

    I remember a passage from Debra Dickerson’s book “The End of Blackness” where she is trying to figure out why Slavery apologies and reparitions were so important to Black people. It was as if Blacks expected Whites to suddenly wake up and be sorry for all of the wrongdoing and immediately start making up for it. Well, we all know (Sojourners anyway) that IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN EVER!! This is how I feel about BW who go fishing in bad waters or bring back their lousy catch in safe places.

    I can tell you from personal experience, if you are: Making your Dreams come true, working on your social and love life (acting, not reading and talking about it!!), all while trying to get your “me” and personal growth time in – you don’t have time to even get on the computer, much less search and disperse some mess from another silly BM! Ditto to worrying about some idiot that can’t even take a second to be a gentleman.

    These women are looking for(again, I am speaking from experience): VALIDATION!! She’s gonna make some brotha notice her, acknowledge her existence, then if she is lucky, bring him over from his cold exterior INTO THE LIGHT OF HER LOVE!…..or something like that…

    I felt so bad for the Asian man in Halima’s story, but I would be lying if I hadn’t seen it play out several times with BW friends. I even had a girlfriend brush off a blind date that I had set up for her – all for the one Negro in the room that had too much cologne, sunglasses on in a dark room, and plenty of blondes to keep him company! Did she actually think that Ray Charles was gonna push the Becky’s aside and go for her…….nope! She lost a great guy and a wingman to boot..

    BW are already at the buffet of life, stop waiting for someone to put something on your plate, get in line and fill up your own! And put some good stuff on your plate, something that’s gonna be good for your body and soul.

    Okay, enough with the food references, I’m gonna go have lunch….

  11. Felicia says:

    EXCELLENT advice! You’ve outdone yourself with this one Khadija. Not only is what you advise my standard operating procedure for my life, but it’s ALSO the standard operating procedure of ALL other groups of people. The ONLY ones paying BM – the majority of which have shown by their actions AND inactions that they are damaged beyond repair – any mind these days are silly confused low self-esteemed African-American black women. Nobody else. Unless they find a way to get something tangible (money) out of them. Otherwise, these others (the majority on the planet) are definitely tuning these often useless (certainly useless to the majority of marriage minded AA black women) African-American boy/men OUT as they should.

    Again, this “experiment” you suggest Khadija, is a way of life to most people on this planet who are certainly doing a lot better on the relationship front then the majority of AA BW.

    BW SEE daily that other groups have this sense of solidarity based on common ancestry – and basic decency and civility towards each other – and desperately wish this for the now basically defunct “black community”. They mistakenly believe that if they (alone) continue to smile and pretend that everything is hunky dory it magically will be the case.

    It’s all magical and immature thinking. What these deluded BW don’t want to realize is that unlike men of other groups – diasphoric and in this case African-American BM – in a majority of cases are simply damaged. Therefore, this utopian dream of the masses of BW and BM relating to each other normally in the SAME way as others is simply a pipe dream that will NEVER happen on God’s green earth.

    That’s simply the way it is.

    Once these magical thinking BW wake up to this reality (and most instead will most likely choose to willingly stay deluded) then the spell will be broken and they will once and for all realize it makes NO D*MN SENSE acknowledging, or even associating with those who aren’t of value to you. Regardless of their “race” or gender.

    Likes attract likes. The ONLY people in my world/consciousness are those who are of value to me and respectful. Normal folks who know their proper roles and boundaries. When I sense someone in my immediate environment is damaged, they’ve just become a non entity to me.

    I ignore them and physically move myself towards those who I sense are like me on a class, spiritual, and psychological level.

    Because birds of a feather flock together and there is strength (and safety) in numbers.

    BW interesting in living and loving well need to realize and accept that these days it’s about the CHARACTER and not the color/”race”.

    Your community these days MUST be made up of like-minded individuals. Sharing ones complexion and heritage with someone (at least when you’re black) tells you NOTHING about whether that person is going to be for you and your self-interests.

    The good thing is most people are nothing like your average DBRBM and these normal people are in the majority. Therefor, in most cases I don’t even have to come in contact with folks I’d have to purposely ignore.

    Again, GREAT and easily applicable advice Khadija!

  12. rainebeaux says:

    Khadija, I was just starting this experiment before I discovered this post…alas, I failed miserably on the online front. I did, however, (re)learn how utterly useless many BM really are and how to better tune them out…back to the drawing board. Offline? Not bad, but I know I can do better. For once, I’m not expecting perfection, just efficiency and consistency. Nevertheless, I could do without the self-flagellation and flashback triggers…I don’t have the room in my brain or apartment for such foolishness.

    *Thank you, Professher, for the reminder that even no choice is a choice.

  13. Before I say anything else, let me emphasize the following:

    Consciousness-raising is a process and a journey. Whatever level of awareness that I’m at right now is the result of ongoing self-evaluation. And a willingness to reconsider some things.

    At certain stages of my life, I’ve done most of the things that I’m now asking readers NOT to do. *Smile* I’m simply saying the things that I’ve learned thus far, so others can perhaps have a shorter learning curve than mine. {chuckling}

    For those readers who aren’t that familiar with my comments/views over time, let me recap the sequence of events.

    Oh, I guess it was, what?—almost 3 years ago when I stumbled across the What About Our Daughters blog and found out about The Dunbar Village Atrocity. At first, I was speechless at the death-camp level of atrocity involved in that particular crime against humanity. Even though I was shocked, my original instinct was to go into “community activist”-reaction mode.

    Well, my previously-held Black Nationalist beliefs shattered into a zillion shards of glass as I learned about each new and DEMONICALLY inappropriate common reaction to that atrocity:

    1-From the victims’ BF neighbors who were quoted in the media as saying something to the effect of, “So a woman got raped. So what?” NO acknowledgment from these (mostly BF) neighbors that a mother being gangraped AND forced to perform oral sex on her own son was a crime against humanity.

    2(a)-From the local NAACP chapter and Rev. Hot Comb Sharpton rallying around the notion of bail for the BM gangrapists. INSTEAD of giving even a word of support to the suffering victims. They were upset because some local WM alleged gangrapists were granted bail. Again, NO acknowledgment from the local NAACP chapter or Rev. Hot Comb that a mother being gangraped AND forced to perform oral sex on her own son was a crime against humanity.

    2(b)-There was only ONE BM (a gay BM blogger/commenter named BlackSeaGoat) who took action in real life to register his displeasure with Rev. Hot Comb’s original choice to rally around the gangrapists. MR. BlackSeaGoat staged a one-man counterdemonstration against Rev. Hot Comb; when Hot Comb came to his part of the country to have a rally. IIRC, Hot Comb was still agitating on behalf of the Jena 6 (BM) miscreants at the time.

    2(c)-A BF blogger named SheCodes took the lead in organizing a pushback, letter-writing campaign against Hot Comb’s and that NAACP chapter’s initial support of the BM gangrapists who forced a mother to perform oral sex on her own son. SheCodes got on Hot Comb’s radio show and confronted him about all of that.

    2(d)-Gina of WAOD had the NAACP pr individual, a Mr. McIntyre/Mac-In-Liar on her then-podcast to try to explain the NAACP position.

    3-It took all of this for Hot Comb and the local NAACP to back away from their earlier posture of protesting in support of bail for the BM gangrapists who who forced a mother to perform oral sex on her own son.

    4-I noticed that when I mentioned The Dunbar Village Atrocity on so-called “Black Love and Black Unity” blogs, 99.99% of the BM commenters . . . verbally shrugged and yawned in response. Without even a moment’s interruption, these “conscious BM” got right back to talking about their own victimization by WM. And how BM criminals aren’t really responsible for their actions—oppression from WM makes them do whatever they do. Again, there was NO acknowledgment from these “conscious BM” that a mother being gangraped AND forced to perform oral sex on her own son was a crime against humanity.

    At first, I still couldn’t really believe these blasé reactions from so-called “conscious BM” or the BW that I now recognize as BM-identified-”Ikettes.” I thought that perhaps they just didn’t know the extent of what was going on. So, I would cite the latest DBRBM atrocity, and the latest BM celebrity-“I abhor (dark-skinned) BW”-comment when debating with these “conscious BM” and “Ikettes.” In doing so, I was unwittingly a poison-dispenser to other BW who weren’t in denial about the hatred, violence and DEATH being heaped upon them by AA males.

    By continuing to waste my breath arguing with them, I was also unwittingly putting these negative, BW-hating “conscious” Negroes and BW-hating-Ikettes in the “neutral” category.

    I grieved over the realization that AA women are truly on their own within the AA collective. I grieved over what I finally realized was an utterly DEAD AA collective.

    I went through all the stages of the Kubler-Ross grieving model: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. In this context, each of these stages before Acceptance had some counterproductive behavior attached to it. Putting negative, BW-hating “conscious” BM and BW-hating-Ikettes in the neutral category was part of Denial and Bargaining. I just couldn’t believe that so many of “us” were that depraved. The poison-spreading was the venting attached to Anger at the extent of the depravity involved in all of this.

    Some grief stages took longer for me to complete than others. Also, at each stage prior to Acceptance, I was reacting in ways that would no longer occur to me—now that I’ve reached the stage of Acceptance.

    So, I’m NOT condemning the BW who are still acting from a pre-Acceptance stage.** I was there, myself. Now that I know better, I feel duty-bound to mention these things to others. I also feel duty-bound to be protective of the spirits of the BW who visit this blog. I insist upon this place being a safe space for BW to map out abundant lives for themselves.

    [**That is, if the unwitting poison-spreading BW is relatively NEW to the BWE message. I DO have a negative reaction regarding folks who are STILL doing Denial-, Bargaining- and Anger-based poison-spreading 3, 4, and 5+ years after certain realities were pointed out to them. For how many years are folks going to be "surprised"?]

    Expect Success!

  14. KarenR.,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

    ITA with the detailed contrast you mentioned between what normal women do, and what goes on within the AA collective.

    You said, “In terms of the neutral, low-value and no-value men, AA women need to develop a keen sense of awareness regarding the passively dangerous man and the actively dangerous man. They are different sides of the same coin. Passively dangerous does not equal safe.”

    Preach!

    You said, “The passively dangerous man is the one who will talk about helping but doesn’t do anything substantive, truth be told, he doesn’t DO anything at all. He is nothing more than a distractor. . . . The distractor will console the victim, “feel her pain” host panel discussions, sell the victim books, yet he never stops to realize that he is in collusion with the thief. His behavior aids and abets the thief but he maintains his appearance of helpfulness. He never stops the thief!!!”

    I 100% co-sign.

    You said, “In relation to the poison distributor behavior, I am possibly guilty of that as well.”

    Karen, don’t worry about that. When I say I don’t understand the behavior, I’m mostly talking about the BW who have been around BWE and BF-IRR blogs longer than me!—who are STILL acting perpetually shocked about what DBRBM are doing—and are STILL spreading poison 3, 4, 5+ years after having certain realities explained to them.

    In terms of those BW who are new to the BWE message, I understand that it takes time to process the information. Changing a whole world view takes time. That’s reasonable. However, even though I DO understand the “newbies” unintentionally spreading poison to other BW, I can’t allow that to happen here. As you’ve said, the newbies are being cautioned about that behavior. I’m NOT frustrated with the “newbies” accidentally spreading poison. I AM frustrated with the “veterans” who persist in spreading poison!
    _____________________________________________

    Oshun/Aphrodite,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “Which is why I don’t understand the women you referred to as poison spreaders. I don’t see how they can take that into themselves and continue to function. When I hear that mess sometimes it lays me low, after all I am human, and then I have to recuperate – so I avoid like the plague to prevent exposure.”

    Well, like I said earlier, I can understand the newbies accidentally spreading poison. I don’t understand other folks continuing to do it. And what you’re saying is the reason why I’m giving the warning about poison-spreading. We can never know exactly where other BW’s spirits are. Based on the things that are going on with most AA lives, I would guess that their collective spirits are laid low.

    That means that many BW’s spirits CAN’T survive any “extra” doses of poison! Even those of us who are fairly healthy CAN’T survive a steady diet of poison! Swallow enough poison, and anybody WILL die.
    _______________________________________________

    Tracy,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “I can tell you from personal experience, if you are: Making your Dreams come true, working on your social and love life (acting, not reading and talking about it!!), all while trying to get your “me” and personal growth time in – you don’t have time to even get on the computer, much less search and disperse some mess from another silly BM! Ditto to worrying about some idiot that can’t even take a second to be a gentleman.”

    ITA! That’s another thing that concerns me about that behavior—women who are engaging in “searching and dispersing mess” don’t have time to seek out and find abundant life. They’re too preoccupied with mess. This is very similar to the “Get What You Need FIRST” conversation.

    If those women who are searching and dispersing mess ALSO are having all of their important needs met (as per the Hierarchy of Needs chart), then they have time to play with mess. The problem is that most of the BW who are searching and dispersing mess are NOT having their major needs met.

    {chuckling at your “Ray Charles” reference}
    ________________________________________________

    Felicia,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “Not only is what you advise my standard operating procedure for my life, but it’s ALSO the standard operating procedure of ALL other groups of people.”

    It’s interesting. I’ve always done what I’m advising in terms of real-life interactions with men. Since high school. It’s how I was raised, and part of being a lady. Ladies DON’T fawn over guys—only groupies (ewwww!) do that. And men have to prove themselves worthy of a lady’s attention, conversation, and presence.

    Unfortunately, this “old-school” AA attitude is no longer the norm.

    Where I’ve slipped with this criterion is with community uplift/political activism-related issues. As I described in an earlier comment, in the past I was willing to dialogue with useless Black people (both genders) about so-called “AA community issues.” Now I know better.

    You said, “The good thing is most people are nothing like your average DBRBM and these normal people are in the majority. Therefor, in most cases I don’t even have to come in contact with folks I’d have to purposely ignore.”

    ITA. More AA women would realize this if they stepped outside their all-Black, all-AA social coffins.
    _______________________________________________

    Rainebeaux,

    Like I said, consciousness-raising is a journey and a process. There’s NO need for any self-flagellation! Onward and forward! :-)

    Expect Success!

  15. Oshun/Aphrodite says:

    I will say that I am at the depression stage. There are moments when I am still surprised at certain thing because of the level of willful evil involved. I used to feel a lot of anger, but I can’t lie in that now I feel significant sadness and I suppose grief. I still move forward and do what is necessary for my self preservation no matter what, but it is challenging to realize that everything you have ever been taught has been a sham, gut everything, and build anew.

    @ PVW

    “[As an aside, I have noticed bw in contexts where they are talking/interacting with non-bm, and if they don't fawn over the first bm who are in the vicinity, all of a sudden they become so focused on the bm who are around, that they ignore the men they are with, ie., even their dates!!!!! Too rude for words...SMH.]”

    That is rude and inexcusable, but ignoring your date is the height of disrespect in my opinion. I can remember the few times I was out, granted with BM…I would be sitting there hair laid, makeup flawless, legs waxed to death, smelling good, pedicure game tight and their eyes would be on everything; the waitress, the barmaid, the woman in the next booth – but me. And that was so wounding. I can remember how that made me feel so I can’t imagine doing that to someone else. Especially, if a BW is out with a nonBM, who has probably worked up God’s know how much courage to even cross the bridge…

    @ Khadija,

    “I can imagine these same idiotic BW writing in to Halima or Evia to complain that non-BM “aren’t approaching them.”

    This is a great point. This falls in line with the loud nuts that say nothing but a BM and then complain that other men don’t approach BW and thus, don’t find BW desirable. Great point.

    I remember the Asian OP had wonderful, positive things to say about the BW he encountered (which really stroked my feathers that we were held in high regard – and on top of that he wasn’t ageist in his praise), but he stated after being repeatedly brushed off he stopped attending the events because there was no point and he can’t be blamed for that.

    If BW continue this I can see these types of events quickly descending into the pits as nonblacks are turned off/run off. At least they demand balance and reciprocity. Networking and getting an “in” is challenging enough as most people aren’t caring about black folks and doing business with us at all – so those are special opportunities that shouldn’t be squandered. It will end up a bunch of BW catering to the remaining unavailable, no value BM and getting the short end of the stick- again.

    @ Karen R
    “AA women need to develop a keen sense of awareness regarding the passively dangerous man and the actively dangerous man. They are different sides of the same coin. Passively dangerous does not equal safe. The passively dangerous man is the one who will talk about helping but doesn’t do anything substantive, truth be told, he doesn’t DO anything at all. He is nothing more than a distractor. His behavior reminds me of the street con men who will approach the victim and ask for the time, while his partner picks the pocket of the victim and runs off with their wallet. The distractor will console the victim, “feel her pain” host panel discussions, sell the victim books, yet he never stops to realize that he is in collusion with the thief. His behavior aids and abets the thief but he maintains his appearance of helpfulness. He never stops the thief!!!”

    I really appreciate this analogy. That makes total sense. Passively dangerous.

  16. halima says:

    Hi Khadija!

    you know I was at a conference today and it happened just like the Asian blogger reported, maybe not as severe but the dynamic was there.

    There were all these black women huddled in a corner refusing to mingle in what was a mostly white crowd, and then as soon as they got the attention of the one or two black men, you could hear their animated talking and see their 100 watt smiles. SMH

    A slightly different dynamic exists for bw in the uk, i dont think its all about the bm to marry or get romatically involved with, i think its more about them being scared to venture beyond the ‘ordained’ areas for bw. They look so fearful to even engage beyond their black circles its really funny to watch. its not all, but many bw display this inability to be 21st century bw with an ability to seamlessly interract between races.

    even african women are taught to ‘package’ themselves for bm, as a result many of these women have cultivated mannersims, dressing, speech patterns and what have you that can only be understood and responded to by bm.

    Every other party knows how it works for bw, so they often ignore and avoid them. SAD

  17. Tee says:

    Khadija:

    Phenomenal post!

    To Khadija and all of the ladies here— you are the most forward thinking group of women I have ever met.

    I am really enjoying,and learning from the comments here.

    Peace to you and yours Khadija,

    Tee

  18. Oshun/Aphrodite,

    The sadness will eventually pass. I’m no longer shocked by much because The Dunbar Village Atrocity and Aftermath showed me that the AA collective has become as evil and cruel as Rwanda, Nazi Germany, the Congo, and so on.

    I understand the shell-shock of starting over after realizing that everything you thought about AAs was false. There is no “AA community,” there is no “us,” help is NOT on the way, there won’t be any resurrection of so-called Black love, Black unity, Black marriage, or the AA family unit, etc. It’s over. Game over. The end.

    However, it IS possible to MOVE ON to better surroundings, reciprocal interactions with better people, and an overall better life. Now that the AA “community” illusion has been dispelled, it’s possible to see one’s way clear of the sunken AA Titanic and move forward into abundant life.

    Once one clearly sees that all these myths (Black love, the AA family, etc.) are definitely dead, one is no longer trapped into a life of unnecessary hardship—which is what these myths create for the AA women who believe in them.

    Abundant LIFE itself is waiting for every AA woman who disconnects from nonbeneficial AA males and all other nonreciprocating people, places and things!
    ______________________________________________

    Hello there, Halima!

    {deep martial arts bow in salute of your latest post}

    You said, “A slightly different dynamic exists for bw in the uk, i dont think its all about the bm to marry or get romatically involved with, i think its more about them being scared to venture beyond the ‘ordained’ areas for bw. They look so fearful to even engage beyond their black circles its really funny to watch. its not all, but many bw display this inability to be 21st century bw with an ability to seamlessly interract between races.

    even african women are taught to ‘package’ themselves for bm, as a result many of these women have cultivated mannersims, dressing, speech patterns and what have you that can only be understood and responded to by bm.”

    The common denominator is that these behaviors keep BW trapped as a surplus Booty Call population of desperate women who are available to be exploited by the BM in the UK and US. As you noted when you said, “Every other party knows how it works for bw, so they often ignore and avoid them. SAD”

    Oh, yeah . . . other people see this insane behavior pattern on the part of so many BW—and BW only—because BM certainly aren’t ignoring non-BW in order to fawn over BW.
    ________________________________________________

    Tee,

    Thank you so much for your kind words; I truly appreciate it! And peace unto you and yours, Tee!

    Expect Success!

  19. jubilee says:

    You said it!!! Passive Pete, who wont do anything for you types and Macho Mike, are both boys-they weren’t around the community of men that used to train them to. be a man—some of the ‘real men’ were virgins as well because they knew that sex could lead to pregnancy. I think women could help a bit IF they didnt go gaga over dudes–really pretty ones would do this nonsense!! The men used to go gaga over us and ask our fathers for dates

  20. Lormarie says:

    Hello Khadija, I just want to mention how timely your post is for two reasons. Black women still under the black unity delusion who are under extreme stress over the remarks of a fed male in the media. Also, as a teacher, I watch black female students engage in this type of damning behavior (I didn’t mean the swear word damning but in the spiritual context). Like Roslyn, I post links to your site but on my facebook page as part of my bwe evangelism (for lack of a better expression). I’ve got almost all of my female relatives and bw friends who are still stuck in the black unity delusion who need to read your writings.

  21. Jubilee,

    It’s long past time for AA women to quietly disconnect from ALL noncontributing people, places, and things.
    ______________________________________________

    Lormarie,

    Thank you for your ongoing support; I truly appreciate it.

    Hmmm . . . you make an interesting point. For an AA girl/woman to continue paying attention to and interacting with neutral, low- and no-value AA males IS a self-imposed form of damnation.

    AA women and girls paying attention to and interacting with neutral, low-, and no-value AA males leads to:

    1-Endless (emotional, spiritual, and often physical) suffering within

    2-Hell-like conditions. Which is what all-Black dating & social circles, and Black residential areas are for BW and girls. Constant verbal harassment on the streets of Black residential areas, the risk of being shot for refusal to give one’s phone number to violent BM, the assorted other violent crimes that AA males commit against BW, etc.

    Expect Success!

  22. Everybody,

    I think we’ve covered all the major angles with this topic. I hope that those readers who began the experiment this week will continue tuning out noncontributing people, places, things, and ideas.

    As I said earlier, yes—on occassion I will consume and talk about nonsense. But I DON’T direct the lion’s share of my attention to noncontributing things. It’s like junk food. As long as one’s normal diet is basically healthy, one can afford to consume a small bit of junk fook here and there.

    My concern is that most AA women swallow a diet totally composed of poison, bathe themselves in poison, and wallow in poison. And then they come among other BW to spread the poison around. They do this while NOT making any effective moves to get their major needs met.

    Based on their life circumstances, some women can better afford to play with and swallow sips of poison than other women.

    Take a look at a Hierarchy of Needs chart. Are all of your major needs being met? If not, then you probably can’t afford to play with and swallow sips of poison.

    Take a look at your life circumstances. Are you (unhappily) in the exact same circumstances that you were in a year ago? If so, then you probably can’t afford to play with take sips of poison.

    If you can’t point to some visible forward progress in your life, then you don’t have time to continue drinking poison.

    I don’t want to belabor this idea. It’s really very simple once one sees past the indoctrination of “I’m somehow obligated to give noncontributing AA males the benefit of any doubts and keep interacting with them, even though they’ve done nothing to benefit me.”

    So, in the spirit of QUICKLY moving forward with one’s agenda, I’m closing the comments to this post and MOVING ON to my next blog post. :-)

    Expect Success!

  23. [...] 6 months ago, I issued a challenge to you: So, in the spirit of the annual national Turn Off The TV Week, I’m asking you to tune out [...]