The Art of Being Feminine
IN A PATRIARCHAL WORLD, DEFEMINIZATION HAS SEVERE CONSEQUENCES FOR WOMEN
Halima, blog host of Black Women’s Interracial Relationship Circle, is holding an extremely important discussion about how many Black women have been programmed to cooperate with being defeminized. On a patriarchal planet, defeminization has severe consequences for women. As Halima points out, defeminization by becoming un-women means that a woman won’t receive what she identified as the four main manifestations of male protection: courtesy, concern, consideration, and concessions.
We see this widespread, glaring absence of male protection within Black residential areas. This absence of protection within Black residential areas is mostly due to African-American men’s general lack of interest in protecting and providing for Black women and children. [That’s how something like the Dunbar Village Atrocity happens, and how similar atrocities become everyday happenings in other Black residential areas. As I stressed at the previous blog, if you live in a Black residential area, a Dunbar Village atrocity is coming soon to your neighborhood. It’s just a matter of time.]
However, even those men (of all races and ethnic groups) who do want to function as protectors and providers are less inclined to feel protective of un-women and “Sister Soldiers.” Further, un-women and Sister Soldiers have problems escaping the horrors of the numerically imbalanced, radioactive all-Black dating scene into the wider world. Quality men are repelled by coarse she-males and un-women.
I understand how this Sister Soldiering became entrenched among African-American women. Generations of African-American women have been tricked and programmed out of women’s natural role (of being protected and provided for) and into functioning as Sister Soldiers. This abnormal behavior of Black women functioning as warriors has been normalized in the minds of most African-Americans. [Mostly for the purpose of picking up African-American men’s slack.] It’s an example of what Elijah Muhammad called “tricknology” when people trick you into beliefs and practices that are contrary to your interests.
In a recent comment, a reader named YMB succintly explained the cultural dynamics underlying this systematic defeminization of African-American women when she said:
It makes perfect sense in the context that BW are being groomed to take over the roles that BM will no longer fulfill. BW are now thought of as the primary breadwinners and protectors. I would wonder how many black SAHMs there are compared to how many BW have chronically unemployed stay at home (in)significant others. In this “help a brotha out” culture, I’m sure this is quite a common scenario.
It also makes perfect sense given the “scarcity, hunt and peck” predicament that BW find themselves in when they limit themselves to BM only. Theirs is the position of abject beggars who will do anything to entice a BM to stay. “You don’t want to have to give up having outside relationships? We can have an open relationship. Of course that will only apply to you, baby. You don’t have money for an engagement ring? I’ll take care of that, too.”
Even if no one says it as flatly as this, the prevailing attitude is that BW ARE undeserving of the traditional benefits women have enjoyed in marriage and better consider themselves lucky if they are able to convince any caliber of man to marry them.
Now for why other BW go along with this, I think it’s three-pronged. First the defeminization BW are subjected to. Secondly, single parenthood has become the sad standard among BW. Advocating being a SAHMs as a valid choice for BW flies in the face of the proud angry denial many BW have about parenting needing to be a two-parent job. Lastly, it serves as another enticement to snag reticent BM partners: “What, that BW wants to be a stay at home mother, living off her man?! I would never take advantage of my man like that.” In other words, pick me! pick me!
In modern black culture, it is an alien concept that a man would take pride in and enjoy being able to provide well enough for his wife that she could stay at home, and that he would see value in her doing so.
A CRASH COURSE IN FEMININE GRACE FOR RECOVERING SISTER SOLDIERS
We’ve had a previous conversation about how this behavior is a bad look that feeds into African-American women’s negative public image. Now, let’s talk about resources that explain and teach more attractive behavior. The kind of comportment that will better serve those African-American women who are seeking abundance in every area of life.
During Halima’s recent discussion, one of her readers mentioned a blog that I believe is extremely helpful, especially for recovering Sister Soldiers. It’s called The Art of Being Feminine. [Thanks, MissASP!]
Of course, I don’t agree with everything I’ve read over there. Even though she’s staunchly anti-feminist, the blog author is a woman who has benefited from feminism (like all modern American women). However, I believe the information she’s providing is a needed corrective for the coarse and unfeminine behavior that has become normalized among too many African-American women. This coarse behavior does not serve us well as we navigate the wider world.
TRY NOT TO HAVE KNEE-JERK RESPONSES AGAINST THE “ART OF BEING FEMININE” BLOG BASED ON OTHER WOMEN’S CONTEXTS
Let me repeat an observation that I made in an earlier post:
African-American women often buy into ideas that have no real relevance to their particular circumstances. This often comes up whenever Black women discuss the importance of marriage.
When analyzing ideas, Black women should keep their own circumstances in the forefront. African-American women are operating in a context that no other group of women are operating in. Other women may face similar issues, but at nowhere near the rate of African-American women. Black women need to stop tripping, recognize that other women’s context is not our context, and respond accordingly.
African-American women are operating in a context of a huge unmarried rate (relative to all other types of people) and a 70 percent-plus illegitimate child rate. In this context, African-American women can’t afford the luxury of calling ourselves “overcoming” the perception that we want legitimate marriage—just like every other race and ethnic group of women on the planet.
To paraphrase some other important points that Halima has made in earlier comments and blog posts:
Unlike the White female theorists who can afford to characterize marriage as a site of oppression, African-American women need to understand that marriage is important as a potential site for division of the hard work involved in raising children. Unlike the current situation where African-American women are bearing almost sole responsibility for raising Black children (as is clear from the 70 percent-plus out of wedlock rate).
Unlike women from other ethnic and racial groups, African-American women are being targeted for male disassociation and social disfellowship.
White women are generally protected and provided for within overall White American society (see the examples of how David Letterman and Kanye West were quickly chastised for publicly demeaning a White woman). White women can afford to talk that stuff about how they refuse to be “obsessed with marriage”—because they’re already reaping the benefits of marriage!
African-American women can’t afford the luxury of characterizing desire for marriage as “obsession” with marriage. African-American women are suffering the real consequences of the absence of marriage within the African-American collective. Consequences like the physical danger posed by legions of (mostly fatherless) predatory, violent criminals. Physically dangerous environments like Dunbar Village are one of many results of an absence of stable, two-parent families created by marriage.
I’m not talking about marriage as somehow saving the African-American collective. I’m talking about how the mass absence of marriage is drastically lowering the quality of Black women’s lives. And sometimes, such as within many Black residential areas, is creating physical danger to Black women.
White women and other women can afford to “trip,” and pretend like they don’t know the reasonable availability of marriage opportunities within their own group is doing something good and important for them (and their children). African-American women can’t afford to “trip” like that.
Don’t let the things you don’t like about that particular blog stop you from picking up pearls of wisdom that can enhance your life! A woman having feminine skills plus 21st century freedom of movement (especially in the Western world) is an extremely powerful combination!
COMING NEXT IN BOOK REVIEWS
The next book review will feature the ebook, The Feminine Arts of Charm and Charisma, by Melina, blog host of The Art of Being Feminine.
Tagged as: lifestyle optimization