“Take Your ‘Walking Papers’ And FLEE”

Evia, blog host of Black Female Interracial Marriage Ezine, has written a new blog post that I believe is required reading for those African-American women who are serious about surviving and thriving. Please go read it now.

In addition to urging African-American women to “take your ‘walking papers’ and FLEE,” Evia explains some bottom-line realities about wealth transfer patterns and how these patterns affect various (racial) collectives and sub-groups within those collectives. I don’t want to repeat the points that Evia raises, but I will amplify a few strategic aspects to African-American women’s overall situation.

WHITE HEGEMONY EMPLOYS AND FEEDS AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMEN. AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMEN THEN USE THAT MONEY TO FEED THE BLACK MEN WHO HATE BLACK WOMEN.

Let’s be clear about some things I said point-blank in an earlier post,

White hegemony is currently feeding all African-Americans. To put it bluntly, White people feed all of us. Directly or indirectly. We need to stop “tripping” about that. Very few African-Americans have ever been serious about building the infrastructure needed in order to be a self-sufficient people. Only marginalized groups among us like the Nation of Islam went so far as to actually cultivate farm land, and create grocery stores and restaurants to feed African-Americans.

Nobody except African-American women is sacrificing anything in order to “fight” White hegemony. Including the Black men who flap their lips talking about White hegemony. Many of the Black men talking that stuff are busy dating, sexing and marrying the so-called “evil White man’s” daughters. These men are busy transferring whatever wealth they can accumulate back to the so-called “evil White man” through his daughter. If not the so-called “evil White man’s” daughters, then these Black men talking that stuff are looking to transfer whatever wealth they get to other types of non-Black women.

No other race or ethnic group of women are even worrying about “fighting White hegemony,” except African-American women. When you’re the only one doing something, that’s usually a clue that whatever you’re doing is a bad idea. Other women, including other types of Black women from around the world, are too busy making sure that they (directly or indirectly) get a slice from the current, status quo “White hegemony pie” by marrying whichever man will bring the most to their table. Including qualified White men.

YOU DON’T NEED A RESISTANCE MOVEMENT AGAINST PEOPLE WHO DEPEND ON YOU TO FEED THEM. IF YOU’RE FEEDING SOMEBODY AND YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT THEY’RE DOING—STOP FEEDING THEM!

Most of the African-American males who demean and degrade Black women in public are being fed directly or indirectly . . . by Black women. African-American women buy their “music,” see their films, read their books, follow their blogs, agitate in support of them getting tenure, and so on. African-American women control most of the money within the African-American collective. We’re the ones who are making most of the consumer purchases that prop up the African-American males who hate us. The short-term answer is simple:

Stop feeding the Black men who hate Black women. Stop feeding the Black women who persist in supporting these Black men.

Now, some will argue that African-American women must do more than simply stop feeding these Black men. And that if we don’t mobilize to have a resistance movement against them, then we’ll end up like the African women in the Congo. With Black men inserting AK-47s into our vaginas and pulling the trigger. Which is what African Black men in the Congo do to the women of their own country.

Yes, the message conveyed by the Dunbar Village Atrocity, the Hovey Street Murders, the Rowan Towers Atrocity, and other atrocities is that this sort of thing WILL ultimately happen to those African-American women who continue living within Black residential areas in the U.S.

That’s why I and other Black Women’s Empowerment bloggers have strongly urged African-American women to evacuate Black residential areas! Now! Unlike the African women of the Congo, African-American women are not required to remain within Black residential areas. There’s also nothing stopping African-American women from marrying nonblack men who WILL gladly function as protectors and providers for them.

“Take your ‘walking papers’ and FLEE.”

As I mentioned in this post, the long term answer to African-American men’s public hate propaganda against Black women is to do what large numbers of Asian women have done: start marrying men from the most powerful collective on the planet.

MANY PROBLEMS WILL SOLVE THEMSELVES WHEN MORE BLACK WOMEN MARRY THE MOST POWERFUL MEN ON THE PLANET. THIS IS HOW ASIAN WOMEN GREATLY IMPROVED THEIR COLLECTIVE IMAGE.

Finally, the long-term, permanent solution to the twin problems of: (1) African-American women’s negative public image and (2) the harmful public slander of Black women by Black men will only come about as more African-American women marry more of the most powerful, dominant men. For a very long time leading up to right now, White men have been the most powerful, dominant, Alpha men on this planet. It’s reasonable to expect them to remain the planet’s most powerful, Alpha men for the foreseeable future.

This is the strategy that Asian women quietly and successfully carried out. These women did this to better their own individual circumstances, but it had the positive side effect of bettering their collective image. As increasing numbers of quality, prominent, powerful White men started marrying Asian women, suddenly Asian women started being perceived as increasingly desirable and attractive by other types of men.

Asian women weren’t always considered desirable by large numbers of non-Asian men. That shift in mass perception came about because of more Asian women marrying prominent, powerful, Alpha-male, White men.

I would add that the common assumption was that such women were among the Asian prostitutes that hang around US Army bases in Japan, Korea, South Vietnam, Thailand, the Phillipines, and so on. And many of them were! Asian women indirectly turned that mass negative perception totally around. One Asian bride—married to a prominent, powerful, Alpha male, White husband—at a time. African-American women can do the same thing.

THIS IS BECAUSE MOST MEN OF COLOR TAKE THEIR CUES ABOUT MANY ISSUES, INCLUDING WOMEN’S DESIRABILITY, FROM DOMINANT WHITE MEN

This is because most men of color on this planet take their cues in assessing women’s desirability from White men. In terms of raw power, White men are the dominant men on this planet. Whatever White men feel is desirable, other men will follow their lead and buy into that belief.

African-American males are generally followers on this planet. They are not the dominant, Alpha males on this planet who get to decide which groups of women are considered attractive. Black men take their lead from the dominant White men. Whoever the dominant White men feel is attractive (White women and Asian women in general, and individual Black women), many Black men will follow their lead and parrot whatever these dominant White men say about these women. For example, I didn’t start hearing many African-American men saying that the dark-skinned Mrs. Obama is attractive until after the White media and White men were publicly talking about how she’s glamorous and reminiscent of Jacqueline Kennedy.

When more dominant, powerful, Alpha-male White men marry Black women, then Black men will stop slandering Black women. Either out of their habit of taking their cues from White men, or out of fear of offending this emerging critical mass of White men who view Black women attractive and desirable.

“Take your ‘walking papers’ and FLEE.”

RECOGNIZE THE VERBAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CYCLE AND WALK AWAY FROM IT

There are constant calls for more dialogue between African-American men and women about the state of “Black love” and “Black marriage.” There are also calls for resistance campaigns against the African-American male celebrities that publicly demean and degrade Black women. These suggestions only serve to keep African-American women focused on the Black men who hate them. It also serves to keep Black women caught up in a verbal domestic violence pattern of interacting with their batterers. This is regardless of how well-intentioned the callers might be.

“Take your ‘walking papers’ and FLEE.”

There’s also the observation that I made during another earlier post,

WHEN YOU’RE PRESENTED WITH PROVOCATIVE STIMULI, DO YOU FIRST ASK YOURSELF, “WILL RESPONSE X HELP GET MY NEEDS MET?”

What do you do when you’re presented with various provocative stimuli, such as the anti-Black woman verbal droppings of damaged Black men? Do you automatically snap to attention and assume the role of a crusading, Sister Soldier? Do you jump into battle to engage in cyber-brawls with them? Leaving aside the “bad look” issue, if all of your major needs are already being met, then you’ve got ample time to fight them over their verbal droppings.

However . . .

if you’re living somewhere unsafe;
if you’re not financially secure;
if your belonging and intimacy needs are not being met;

. . . then how in the world do you have any time, even a split second, to invest in responding to the latest anti-Black woman verbal dropping of this week’s damaged Black man?

Keep in mind that this damaged Black man that you’re investing time into battling is most likely having ALL of his important needs met while you’re working on responding to his original verbal dropping. If he wants to be married, he’s most likely already married (with or without engaging in adultery). If he doesn’t want to be married, he’s most likely happily sleeping around.

There’s whatever latest anti-Black woman verbal dropping from a damaged Black man. Let’s say you work on responding to that.

What will you do about tomorrow’s verbal dropping from the same damaged Black man? Of course, you realize that he’s not going to cease and desist immediately with his hate speech about Black women. It’s going to take time to get this one individual damaged Black man to either retract or apologize for the particular statement in question. It’ll take even longer to train him not to say those sorts of things in public.

What about next week’s verbal dropping from the same damaged Black man?

What about tomorrow’s verbal dropping from a different damaged Black man? There’s more than one damaged Black man publicly making anti-Black woman statements. In fact, there are many of them. Will you pursue and fight them all? If not, how will you allocate your attention between them? How much time will you earmark for pursuing and fighting them? Will you figure out a ranking?

Have you thought about any of this, and after consideration decided to invest your time into tussling with this particular damaged Black man? Or are you having a knee-jerk, conditioned response to the stimulus of “damaged Black man makes anti-Black woman statement”?

Let me be clear: I respect free will, and I’m not trying to discourage African-American women from making the conscious choice to involve themselves in whatever activism suits their fancy. I’m not even trying to discourage Black women with major unmet needs from spending their time and energy on activism. I think it’s ill-advised to do that (unless they’re careful to spend most of their energy on getting their needs met), but that’s their choice. I’m simply asking that more African-American women take the time to consider the following questions, and answer them for themselves:

Is dealing with whatever provocative stimulus meeting your personal needs? If so, great. If doing so isn’t directly meeting your needs, is it at least moving you closer to having your personal needs met? If so, more power to you. If not, perhaps your attention and energy would be better spent on getting your own needs met.

“Take your ‘walking papers’ and FLEE.”

More and more individual African-American women living well by being married to quality men is the long-term solution to most of African-American women’s collective problems.

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32 Responses to ““Take Your ‘Walking Papers’ And FLEE””

  1. Karen R. says:

    Hello Khadija,

    Thank you for once again posting a clarion call on behalf of AA women having better lives.

    You said “there are also calls for resistance campaigns against the African American male celebrities that publicly demean and degrade Black women. These suggestions only serve to keep African American women focused on the Black men who hate them…” I totally agree. I posted comments earlier in the week related to responding to public figures/celebrities who hate us. My approach is similar to yours…AA women need to just take up their beds and walk…out of the AA “community.” We need to physically, emotionally and spiritually leave. It doesn’t exist for us anymore and to continue to believe that it does is to fall in love with a rumor.

    I said earlier in the week that “when we take our resources ($$, emotional support, etc.) and silently leave, the [Khadija speaking: I deleted the initials of the latest AA male rapper who publicly insulted BW—NO publicity whatsoever here for the celebrity AA males who publicly demean and degrade BW—most AAs already know who they are, and the list is growing daily] of the world will die. Parasites need a host to survive. In the meantime, instead of fighting we will have spent our time, talents and resources building better lives for ourselves. Let the dead bury the dead.” As you stated, Asian women quietly and successfully carried out a strategy to better their lives, social standing and status by marrying white Alpha men. They didn’t wage a campaign. AA women have fought enough, and I am of the opinion that I’ll be d**ned if I will fight AA men for my right to be respected. I think of one of my good friends who happens to be white who is a true Southern belle from Alabama. She always says when someone offends her “you haven’t been left alone like I’ll leave you alone” Ladies, take up your beds, your resources, etc. and WALK!!

  2. Valerie says:

    Khadija, Khadiga, Khadiga, Oh my goodness! I could not have put it better myself. I am writing an article about this very thing. Millions and millions of money is made from Big Fat Momma, Madea, and when you get films trying to promote the black women, certain sections of the black community, howl and cry it down. This is what I was discussing after church, my friend who is in her second marriage and she is very happy, she is married to an English man. She is Guyanaese, she said how we are howled down, if we want to get married again. We don’t need it

    Another friend told me how her brother was so against her marrying a man from another race, after she got married, to a Nigerian, she is from Ghana, her brother Mr black consciousness married an girl from Asian, she said she almost collapsed with shock. Another man, I saw who came to see my father with his black girl, talking about the black consciousness, who did I see him with, and Asian woman.

    I honesty think that we need to read what God thinks about us, forget those fools, better still divorce them, and take our walking papers and leave! and the Lord will provide and he will provide far better than what we are getting now! I strongly believe, that black women need to read what God said about them, not pastor. Do not under any circumstances, let people talk you out of your heritance. If your husband, is a nice man, and he is non-black, under NO CiRCUMSTANCES, LET YOUR MOTHER, FATHER, SISTER, GRANDMOTHER, BROTHERS, UNCLE, PASTOR EVEN PASTOR, because my Guyanaese friend told me how her pastor talked her out of her Italian husband, he married another woman and he now living in Canada. As you have rightly said, black women must be there to look after them and they live off us like parasites, when we leave and marry quality men, according to my late mother “every pot, will find their cover”
    Well Done Khadija

  3. E says:

    I totally agree. Get a college education, travel, date out, mate out and flee. I am still steaming that [Khadija speaking: I deleted the name of AA male comedian—NO publicity whatsoever here for the celebrity AA males who publicly demean and degrade BW—most AAs already know who they are, and the list is growing daily] made those hateful comments about the Rutgers woman after Imus and NO “good black men” said anything. That was when I really knew it was time to pack up and go. I feel no guilt at at all for loving a real man who does not share my racial classification. I was thinking about this at my fiance’s last family gathering. My fiance’s family is lovely, no drama at all, and I feel so blessed that I didn’t feel compelled to marry some bm loser just to say I married a brotha.

  4. Before I say anything else, let me stress that I’m NOT trying to discourage those BW who want to engage in activism around AA males’ public hate speech against BW. If that’s what these women want to do, then by all means they should do what they want.

    I’m simply exmplaining why I’m not going to engage in that sort of activism anymore. And all of this reminds me of something that I said during an earlier post. I’ve amended this blog post to add that material where I said:

    WHEN YOU’RE PRESENTED WITH PROVOCATIVE STIMULI, DO YOU FIRST ASK YOURSELF, “WILL RESPONSE X HELP GET MY NEEDS MET?”

    What do you do when you’re presented with various provocative stimuli, such as the anti-Black woman verbal droppings of damaged Black men? Do you automatically snap to attention and assume the role of a crusading, Sister Soldier? Do you jump into battle to engage in cyber-brawls with them? Leaving aside the “bad look” issue, if all of your major needs are already being met, then you’ve got ample time to fight them over their verbal droppings.

    However . . .

    if you’re living somewhere unsafe;
    if you’re not financially secure;
    if your belonging and intimacy needs are not being met;

    . . . then how in the world do you have any time, even a split second, to invest in responding to the latest anti-Black woman verbal dropping of this week’s damaged Black man?

    Keep in mind that this damaged Black man that you’re investing time into battling is most likely having ALL of his important needs met while you’re working on responding to his original verbal dropping. If he wants to be married, he’s most likely already married (with or without engaging in adultery). If he doesn’t want to be married, he’s most likely happily sleeping around.

    There’s whatever latest anti-Black woman verbal dropping from a damaged Black man. Let’s say you work on responding to that.

    What will you do about tomorrow’s verbal dropping from the same damaged Black man? Of course, you realize that he’s not going to cease and desist immediately with his hate speech about Black women. It’s going to take time to get this one individual damaged Black man to either retract or apologize for the particular statement in question. It’ll take even longer to train him not to say those sorts of things in public.

    What about next week’s verbal dropping from the same damaged Black man?

    What about tomorrow’s verbal dropping from a different damaged Black man? There’s more than one damaged Black man publicly making anti-Black woman statements. In fact, there are many of them. Will you pursue and fight them all? If not, how will you allocate your attention between them? How much time will you earmark for pursuing and fighting them? Will you figure out a ranking?

    Have you thought about any of this, and after consideration decided to invest your time into tussling with this particular damaged Black man? Or are you having a knee-jerk, conditioned response to the stimulus of “damaged Black man makes anti-Black woman statement”?

    Let me be clear: I respect free will, and I’m not trying to discourage African-American women from making the conscious choice to involve themselves in whatever activism suits their fancy. I’m not even trying to discourage Black women with major unmet needs from spending their time and energy on activism. I think it’s ill-advised to do that (unless they’re careful to spend most of their energy on getting their needs met), but that’s their choice. I’m simply asking that more African-American women take the time to consider the following questions, and answer them for themselves:

    Is dealing with whatever provocative stimulus meeting your personal needs? If so, great. If doing so isn’t directly meeting your needs, is it at least moving you closer to having your personal needs met? If so, more power to you. If not, perhaps your attention and energy would be better spent on getting your own needs met.

    Let me mention a distinction that I see in terms of activism. I believe that it was worthwhile for me to have participated in (and encouraged others I know to join in) the letter-writing pushback campaign that was lauched against the local Florida chapter of the NAACP and Rev. Al Sharpton a couple of years ago. It was worthwhile because it had measurable, readily achievable goals: to pressure the NAACP and Rev. Al “Press & Curl” Sharpton to cease and desist from protesting on behalf of the Dunbar Village gang rapists. In other words, to stop protesting on behalf of gang rapists who, in addition to beating and raping the victim, forced her at gunpoint to perform oral sex on her own son.

    It’s extemely unlikely that the pushback campaign changed the underlying anti-BW attitudes of those NAACP creatures or Rev. Press & Curl. Changing attitudes is a long-term, often decades-long, amorphous project. I don’t believe that any AA woman or girl currently alive has time for that sort of project—one that directly seeks to change the attitudes of those AA males who are publicly anti-BW. This is because AA women’s and girls’ quality of life is being steadily diminished by their continued fixation on AA males.

    Meanwhile, AA males are committing increasing numbers of death-camp style atrocities against the BW and girls who are within easy striking distance—those BW and girls who continue to live in Black residential areas.

    Again, those BW who want to lauch a resistance movement against whichever latest AA male celebrity that publicly degrades BW are perfectly free to do so. I’m expressing my personal belief that this is a failing strategy and a trap that keeps AA women connected/chained to AA men who hate them and/or fail to protect them.

    Meanwhile, the prison gates of the AA “community” are wide open. There’s NO need for AA women to remain enmeshed with such individuals. Nor the deranged “community” that feeds and supports these individuals.

    Stop feeding BM who hate BW. Stop feeding the BW who insist upon feeding these BM. Stop feeding these 2 categories of folks, and they WILL disappear.

    Expect Success!

  5. KarenR.,

    You’re welcome! Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

    The AA women who want to mobilize around the latest verbal droppings of a celebrity DBRBM are welcome and free to do so. More power to them.

    I’m simply stating why I feel that this is a losing strategy. Not every problem can be solved by our traditional methods of “putting on our marching shoes,” and overtly protesting (verbally or physically). Some problems require indirect methods.

    What strikes me is that these DBRBM public figures (be they celebrities or academics, or whatever) are NOT in the power position of past racist Southern segregationists. The bulk of these hate-spewing AA males get their sustenance from BW. AA women are the ones feeding these creatures! Like you said, these creatures are parasites.

    To me, that means the short-term answer is very simple: STOP feeding these creatures. STOP feeding the stupid BW who feed these creatures.

    Many of us are feeding the BW who feed these nuts. Since the bulk of these DBRBM-enabling AA women are depending on other BW (friends, relatives) to take up the slack, and do the things that their baby-daddies aren’t doing. As long as these AA women insist on enabling DBRBM, Stop. Feeding. Them.

    You said, “I think of one of my good friends who happens to be white who is a true Southern belle from Alabama. She always says when someone offends her “you haven’t been left alone like I’ll leave you alone”

    {chuckling} I like that in her. I’m also real good at leaving people ALONE…FOREVER… {more chuckling}
    _______________________________________________

    Valerie,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “I honesty think that we need to read what God thinks about us, forget those fools, better still divorce them, and take our walking papers and leave! and the Lord will provide and he will provide far better than what we are getting now!”

    I believe God has already provided far better. God’s Earth is spacious. The US is a big country, with many places to live. With many other men (of all races and ethnicities, including non-AA BM) who are fit, willing, and able to be effective husbands and fathers. AA women simply need to stop restricting themselves to only interacting with AA men. And leave all-Black residential areas.
    _______________________________________________

    E,

    It’s been time for AA women to leave.

    Expect Success!

  6. Muse says:

    Why do so many Black women play the role of a soldier? I believe in helping those who want to help themselves. If the underclass and whoever else is in need can’t take the steps to help themselves, then why the heck should I or anyone else spend time, energy, and resources on them? That’s like feeding food and vitamins to a dead body. This week has been an eye opener because so many apologists came out of the closet trying to rationalize the comments of an irrelevant moron. Those apologists are more dangerous than the obvious DBRs because they get black women to put down their guard and feed them false hopes so that they can stay trapped in their toxic environments.

    A certain black male who is known for being an apologist for DBR behavior on Fox News reprimanded the insane coon this week and so many black women became excited because a black male FINALLY defended their honor. However if you look at the bigger picture, this same black male has defended hip-hop’s glorification of violence and misogyny as a valid form of expression along with defending criminal black males who terrorize their local communities. He figured that monopolizing on the hate black women bandwagon is quite profitable. He can let down their guard by defending them so they can support his other endeavors such as books and lectures. Appearing to be the rescuer endeared him to simpleton black women who don’t know any better.

    I’m not impressed with most apologists when they get a brief moment of clarity and decide to defend black women. In fact they need to have a consistent track history of uplifting and defending black women before I get excited about anything they do. Before I give any public or private figure my support, they need have a proven track record of consistently defending the honor and safety of black women and children. I also demand to see actions backing up their rhetoric. Then and only then is when I may CONSIDER supporting you. Anyone can temporarily jump on a bandwagon and before their attention span moves onto another cause. As the bible says (for all your religious folks out there) the year of the hireling is 3 years. If someone sticks to a task/duty consistently for at least three years, it tends to show that they are committed and won’t jump ship.

  7. Muse,

    You said, “Those apologists are more dangerous than the obvious DBRs because they get black women to put down their guard and feed them false hopes so that they can stay trapped in their toxic environments.”

    THIS is the critical point about about this “damaged AA male public figure slanders BW—BW vent, and/or scream, and/or grovel in response to the slander—2 moments later, yet ANOTHER damaged AA male public figure slanders BW”-cycle.

    This cycle repeats endlessly. Any reaction from AA women other than to . . .

    (1) walk away from all AA males who aren’t functioning as protectors and providers for BW and children; AND (2) stop feeding these non-protecting, non-providing, non-contributing AA males; AND stop feeding the DBRBM; AND stop feeding the DBR-enabling BW who support these various types of NON-contributing BM . . .

    . . . only serves to keep AA women enmeshed, engaged, and therefore TRAPPED within the toxic and physically dangerous all-AA social and residential spheres.

    I believe that all of this is a trap for AA women.

    Now those AA women who want to voluntarily remain engaged and enmeshed with poison are free to do so. If they want to stay trapped, that’s their business.

    My concern is for those AA women who have the nagging suspicion that mobilizing around fighting damaged AA males is NOT the move, but can’t quite articulate the reasons why not. The activist types among AAs (both genders) have a way of—sometimes inadvertently, and sometimes unwittingly—guilt-tripping other AAs about not wanting to join in whatever activist pet project they’re involved in. Most AA activist types are like many attorneys—good at verbally running over folks. [I know that I’ve done the same thing. What can I say? After all, I’m a trial lawyer. :-)]

    I wrote this post to give some coherent “talking points” to those AA women who don’t want to join crusades against each week’s “latest damaged BM who spews hate speech against BW”-incident.

    The other thing that’s a trap are the incessant calls for more dialogue between AA men and women about the state of “Black love” and “Black marriage.”

    In a recent conversation here, a Black gentleman wrote in to say (among other things) that he feels continued dialogue is important. The gentleman also talked about wanting to—in the context of dialogue between AA men and women—explore the origin of many of these problems (in other words, the brainwashing process during slavery and White racism). Well, I said the following in response:

    “But we already know ‘the why’ of how things got to this point. Is there really any AA among us who genuinely does not know about the brainwashing that was heaped on our ancestors during slavery? Which is the same brainwashing that AAs have chosen to carry forward into the 21st century. Who doesn’t know that? What is there left to explore—that hasn’t already been explored—about ‘the why’? It seems to me that AAs have been crying out about ‘the why’ for many decades now.

    …I respectfully and cheerfully agree to disagree. AA men and women have been talking about ‘Black love’ and ‘Black relationships’ for decades.

    Once I stumbled out of the Matrix, and began to see many things as they actually are (as oppposed to seeing them through the filter of my previous Black Nationalist ideology), there are many things I don’t understand. Maybe you can explain the following:

    1-Where has all that talking with AA men about relationships gotten AA women?

    2-How has ANY of that talk benefitted AA women?

    3-What exactly do AA women realistically stand to gain from continuing to talk to AA men about (Black) relationships?

    4-In fact, what is there even left for AA women and AA men to talk about at this point in terms of relationships? Since AA men’s mass behavior (the refusal to marry the BW they impregnate, creating a 70% and rising AA out of wedlock birth rate) indicates that AA men are not interested in marriage, nor interested in marriage with BW, what is there left to talk about?

    …Again, I can see what AA men have to gain from continuing those “Black relationship” conversations. It’s a clever stalling tactic to delay increasing numbers of AA women from imitating BM’s lead and doing whatever works for them as individual women—without factoring in BM and the now-dead AA community.

    But what I don’t see is what AA women have to gain from continuing to engage in “Black relationship” conversations with AA men. I ask again, what’s in it for AA women to do this?

    The gentleman didn’t return to provide some answers to these questions. If a recommended course of action has been, and continues to be, a sound course of action—then one should be able to articulate the benefits of such.

    You said, “As the bible says (for all your religious folks out there) the year of the hireling is 3 years. If someone sticks to a task/duty consistently for at least three years, it tends to show that they are committed and won’t jump ship.”

    Oooh, I like that!

    Expect Success!

  8. KM says:

    I fully co-sign. My life has improved since I’ve mentally, emotionally, and spiritually divorced myself from the BC. And I know that to all of the sisters reading who are learning, you’ll feel the same way once you make that step.

    This past weekend, Khadija, I went to an Irish bar block party to watch England vs USA World Cup match, lil black me in a mostly all white event. Because I had divorced myself from DBRs and the ABCs and the BC, I was able to enjoy myself and have a good time (and meet some new friends). DBRs DON’T want you to take your walking papers and flee like that. They want you to suffer and become mentally paralyzed because you haven’t opened yourself up to anything but the brainwashing and poison they excrete.

    New Tag line for the rest of the year: Onward and Upward!

  9. Professher says:

    Your passionate clarity and precise thoughts allow wings of flight to alight and bowed backs to straighten.

  10. rainebeaux says:

    Thank you again for the reminder, Khadija, because…hoo boy, I stopped trying to keep track of the celebrity and civilian parasites/Creatures from the Vortex of Coonery [(c)Faith]–geez, they’re like roaches or bedbugs! What more can be said at this point?

    In any event, I’m preoccupied with digging a tunnel to Level Three (social) of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs right now, so my sole response now is…oh, another one {yawn}. To wit (in my head, of course): “okay, gentlemen [using the term *very* loosely] and ‘lady’ enablers/protectionists: you hate us, we get it….within every fiber of your being, correct?….yeah, uh huh, duly noted. {Yawning, nodding head and opening door} Thanks again for the heads up–not that we needed it or anything….we can/will ‘do what it do’ for ourselves from here…No, really, we’re good and done here…{Insert door slam here}” In short, I can no longer be bothered. Peace within, and peace out (ooh, I have a mantra; lol!).

    My tagline: I(we) do this for the ANTI-hood!

  11. KM,

    You said, “My life has improved since I’ve mentally, emotionally, and spiritually divorced myself from the BC. And I know that to all of the sisters reading who are learning, you’ll feel the same way once you make that step.”

    Yes, indeed. Life is sooo much better away from the now-dead, and increasingly violent AA “community.” Without even positively counting up the “goodies” that are inherent in living among normal people, there’s the simple peace of mind of NOT having to deal with non-stop madness.

    It’s similar with the blog posts and conversations here. It’s sooo much more pleasant to talk about the “goodies” that are readily available in the outer world. However, the purpose of this blog is social activism in support of abundant life for AA women and girls. Therefore, it’s necessary to also talk about the tricks and traps that keep AA women trapped in unnecessarily diminished, difficult lives.

    There’s no need to, as Muse described it, feed “food and vitamins to a dead body.” And that’s what the cultural programming has many AA women doing—trying to perform CPR on a long-dead AA community. By ourselves. Time out on all of that.

    Which reminds me of something silly. I recall the outrage that was expressed a couple of years ago on a few (seemingly normal) AA men’s blogs. I ran across a couple of conversations where a comment that I had made around that time (at another BW’s blog—this was before I started blogging) was discussed with great shock and horror. Basically, I had said that I would no longer support charities or fundraisers that support AA boys, or male youth, or AA male college students. {gasp! LOL!}

    My main reason for no longer contributing to such was/is quite simple: There’s rarely any return on that sort of investment flowing back to any AA woman when these boys grow up. I finally caught the hint from the many, many examples of such young AA men that I observed when I was in college and law school.

    I saw that AA male students were quite happy to accept charity money that had mostly been raised by BW throughout their schools years. But many (if not most) of these same AA male college and professional students exclusively dated nonblack women once they got where they were going (college, grad or professional school). What’s in it for me (or any other AA woman) to subsidize that behavior pattern? Nothing, as far as I can see.

    Again, as Evia has repeated in many of her essays (including the latest one), it’s extremely important to pay attention to the money/resource trail.

    When women from almost every other group contribute to charities for boys and male college students from their group, the odds are good that those male students will contribute resources BACK into that particular ethnic/racial collective (when they reach manhood).

    But it generally doesn’t work like that among AAs. AA women give charity to support AA male college students—who then are increasingly likely to give whatever material resources they gain from their higher education to a nonblack woman. OR, these college-educated AA men refuse to marry anybody, and give only the bare minimum, court-required financial support to the out of wedlock children that they produce with AA women.

    As usual, the resources are flowing in one direction—AWAY from AA women and children. Somebody please explain to me why AA women should continue to help subsidize AA males’ access to college if this is what large numbers of them do? I don’t understand that notion anymore. It sounds like a bad investment to me. It’s a bad investment if the purpose of such charitable giving is the elevation of the ENTIRE AA collective; and not just AA men.

    Anyway, these particular AA men who were discussing my comment about this a few years back were horrified and outraged. I found several things fascinating about that reaction:

    1-My refusal to contribute did/does NOT prevent AA men from contributing to charities for AA boys, male teenagers, and male college students. The fate of AA boys should not hinge on one individual AA woman opting out of contributing to them.

    If more AA men were contributing to their fellow AA boys, male teenagers, and male college students, then it wouldn’t matter whether one AA woman refuses to contribute. It tickled me that these horrified AA men indirectly told on themselves. If they were handling the business, then the reaction would have been one of, “I don’t care what that woman will or won’t contribute to. Because I’M going to contribute, and so will my fellow ‘brothas.'”

    But no…these men clutched their pearl necklaces and had an attack of the vapors…

    2-How in the world did financially propping up AA boys, male teenagers, and male college students become AA women’s responsibility? When you step back for a moment, OUTSIDE the AA cultural madhouse, then you see just how crazy that cultural assumption is! Most other ethnic groups expect their MEN to take the lead in dealing with such things; as well as also being responsible for socializing the boys of their group into manhood.
    ___________________________________________

    Professher,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it! {blushing}

    Expect Success!

  12. Felicia says:

    When you’re the only one doing something, that’s usually a clue that whatever you’re doing is a bad idea.

    RIGHT.

    Other women, including other types of Black women from around the world, are too busy making sure that they (directly or indirectly) get a slice from the current, status quo “White hegemony pie” by marrying whichever man will bring the most to their table. Including qualified White men.

    RIGHT AGAIN.

    YOU DON’T NEED A RESISTANCE MOVEMENT AGAINST PEOPLE WHO DEPEND ON YOU TO FEED THEM. IF YOU’RE FEEDING SOMEBODY AND YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT THEY’RE DOING—STOP FEEDING THEM!

    THANK YOU!

    We’ve all heard the term “don’t feed the trolls” in reference to online trouble makers. Well… The major – and in most cases ONLY ones – feeding these offline Damaged Beyond Repair Negro male trolls are you guessed it. Misguided African-American women.

    What hurts these BW the most is that these animals that they’re been feeding are turning on them and attacking them with a vengeance.

    It’s a self-created problem these misguided BW created (by continuing to feed BM who act in rabid ways towards them) but BW themselves have the power to end this madness as well.

    Like you said, stop feeding damaged Negro males – and especially stop feeding their ego’s- and the problem is solved.

    GREAT post!

  13. Rainebeaux,

    You’re welcome!

    You said, “…hoo boy, I stopped trying to keep track of the celebrity and civilian parasites/Creatures from the Vortex of Coonery [(c)Faith]–geez, they’re like roaches or bedbugs! What more can be said at this point?”

    Indeed. Off the top of my head, I can think of 9 AA male celebrities/public figures who publicly insulted BW. And that’s without me really thinking about it. Like you said, their enduring hatred of BW has been “duly noted.” There’s nothing more to say.
    ______________________________________________

    Felicia,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “We’ve all heard the term “don’t feed the trolls” in reference to online trouble makers. Well… The major – and in most cases ONLY ones – feeding these offline Damaged Beyond Repair Negro male trolls are you guessed it. Misguided African-American women.”

    This is true. That’s why the rest of us also need to STOP feeding these foolish BF enablers.

    You said, “It’s a self-created problem these misguided BW created (by continuing to feed BM who act in rabid ways towards them) but BW themselves have the power to end this madness as well.”

    This is true. Unfortunately, too many AA women just don’t know how to break all ties and cut folks loose. Or as another reader’s Southern belle friend put it, leave somebody ALONE. And these misguided AA women needlessly suffer for that. Individually and collectively.

    Expect Success!

  14. Karen says:

    As an adult, I have never understood this need for “permission” to live one’s own life.

    If it takes the continued behavior of DBR BM public figures to convince these women, wonderful, however, I still find it sad that so many of us AA BW behave as if others are the gatekeepers of our lives.

    Here again is my mission statement:

    Life, the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of my life. This ongoing mission: to explore different cultures and countries; to seek out new opportunities and new alliances; to boldly go where no AA woman has gone before.

    Ladies,

    YOU ARE FREE to live your lives…THE WAITING IS OVER, THE GATE HAS LONG BEEN OPEN, release yourself from your mental bondage and live the life our female ancestors never had the chance to live. JUST.DO.IT – NOW!!!

    • Neecy says:

      “Life, the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of my life. This ongoing mission: to explore different cultures and countries; to seek out new opportunities and new alliances; to boldly go where no AA woman has gone before.”

      LOVE this! All likeminded Black women NEED to develop such mission statements for ourselves.

      You have already completed part of this mission.

      Khadija, Thank you and all the other BWE bloggers for all your efforts to share what No other BW have been willing to share before. Its unfortunate that we didn’t have BW like you willing to speak up and out about our plights as Black women decades ago, but there’s no better time than the present.

      You and the rest of the BWE bloggers are truly appreciated and are a blessing for yor efforts…

  15. Felicia says:

    Khadija, you said…

    Stop feeding BM who hate BW. Stop feeding the BW who insist upon feeding these BM. Stop feeding these 2 categories of folks, and they WILL disappear.

    Now this is a WONDERFUL strategy! Attack BOTH sources of the problems. The deranged black boys AND the misguided black females who support the deranged black boys.

    That’s a two-pronged attack right there.

    And like you said, the doors are WIDE open and have been for some time. Like Asian women, BW have the freedom to (and all of the reason in the world to) LEAVE physically, emotionally, and spiritually the anti-BW black collective anytime they choose.

    And trust, a certain segment of BW who plan on surviving and thriving are doing that right now as we speak.

  16. Karen,

    You said, “As an adult, I have never understood this need for “permission” to live one’s own life.

    If it takes the continued behavior of DBR BM public figures to convince these women, wonderful, however, I still find it sad that so many of us AA BW behave as if others are the gatekeepers of our lives.

    Yes, it IS shocking that most AA women are seeking “permission” from other AAs to . . . live . . . well. It’s crazy. Most of these women are not going to make it. Neither will their daughters.

    Because the long-dead AA community will never give them the same permission that is granted to BM—the permission to do whatever works best for themselves without factoring in the impact on the opposite gender of AAs or the long-dead AA community. If more AA women walk off and seek their own individual bliss, who will be left to prop up the rotting pillars of the AA collective? AA men walked away 45 years ago from assuming any real responsibility for the fate of the AA collective (as soon as the walls of segregation were brought down).
    ______________________________________________

    Felicia,

    You said, “Now this is a WONDERFUL strategy! Attack BOTH sources of the problems. The deranged black boys AND the misguided black females who support the deranged black boys.”

    Oh yeah, from my perspective it’s really simple. There’s no need for some protracted re-enactment of 1958 Selma. The problem is that most AA women want to do anything and everything except what would actually work—walking away and cutting off ALL the AAs who support these deranged AA men.

    Too many of us don’t know how to break ties and cut some folks loose. Just the other day, I read a foolish comment over at Halima’s talking about “don’t beat up on our sisters who are making ‘bad’ choices.” Or some such to that effect. Meanwhile, if we’re serious, then we’ll impose heavy sanctions on everybody who supports these deranged, racist AA males.

    But I see that most AA women are not serious about putting a stop to this madness by refraining from feeding the people who perpetuate it. So, those AA women who are serious about surviving and thriving simply need to continue disconnecting from the masses of doomed, soon-to-be-permanent-underclass AAs.

    Expect Success!

  17. Faith says:

    We also have to pay attention to the non-black women who are also benefitting from alligning with the DBRs and No Value-to-BW males because they are still being given open-ended invitations to share the BW resources given to those males for all of their benefit at our expense.

    It comes back to those anti-black black males who couldn’t run fast enough from the black community as a whole, whatever children they’ve procreated, the attempts at dominating women (and also killing other BMs over various slights)and their “blackness”.

    There’s another option to deal with the DBRs and their enablers, the apathetic and the unconcerned: build a separate infrastructure to counterbalance the denigration and a better model to replace the “lesser-than” prodcuts out there. It’s all tied together but absolutely having all our needs met is the only way to go! Personally, I’m taking notes, working on securing a future that aligns with my core values and will act decisively against the enemies of BW when the opportunity presents itself.

  18. Faith,

    I don’t feel any need to watch the non-Black women that BM hook up with. Whether these BM are damaged or healthy. These women are not my concern.

    And I don’t blame these non-Black women for getting all that they can get from their AA husbands, boyfriends, baby daddies, etc. After all, these men are freely giving resources to them. It’s not like these non-Black women stole anything from anybody. As far as I’m concerned, these women are entitled to have whatever they can convince these BM to give to them. None of that is my concern.

    My concern is that misguided AA women are the ones who make this particular form of wealth transfer (AA women’s wealth being transferred away from AA women and their children) possible. AA women enable this transfer of their own wealth away from themselves by economically and politically feeding disconnected and/or deranged AA men.

    My concern is that so many AA women are silly enough to allow these non-Black women to indirectly pimp them. That’s absolutely crazy behavior for a straight woman.

    Let me repeat some things I said in a chapter of the book:

    I don’t care if African-American men choose non-Black women (also known as “Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling”) as wives. I don’t care if, like so many Black male celebrities and other prominent Black men, they give practically all their personal worldly goods to these non-Black women and their non-Black inlaws. That’s the great thing about freedom. We’re all free to do as we please.

    I don’t care if Becky and other non-Black women take these Black men for all they are worth, like Michael Strahan’s White ex-wife. “Becky and the girls” often feel that they need to get all they can get from any man, including Black men. Unlike many African-American women, they have no confusion about expecting men to protect and provide well for them and their children. And I notice that nobody begrudges these non-Black women for getting all that they can get. I don’t begrudge them either. None of this is my concern.

    My issue is this: African-American women, why are you subsidizing Becky and these other women? I’m wondering what’s wrong with you. What’s wrong with some of you? Don’t you understand that when you support a Black male who’s hooked up to Becky and other non-Black women, you’re also subsidizing Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling? In some cases, you are using your hardearned-from-working-a-job money to subsidize a life of leisure for these women. She’s getting a pedicure and a massage while you’re beating the streets going to a job.

    What’s wrong with some of you, that you let another woman indirectly pimp you? Tyrone can give all the money and resources he wants to give to these women—he just needs to get these resources from somebody other than me! When you give something to Tyrone—so he can give it to Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling—you are actually giving to Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling. She’s living large on your dime. Why don’t some of you understand this? What’s wrong with you?

    I don’t care where “Becky and the girls” get their sustenance from, as long as it’s not coming from me. It’s not in my interests to subsidize non-Black women and their children. If my resources are ultimately going to be used to support a woman, then I want that woman to be African-American like me.

    Some of you are silly enough to call yourself “enlightened” in that you don’t care that Tyrone is using the resources you give him to support Becky and the girls. I say that you’re a fool.

    Your behavior is out of step with basic, human norms for heterosexual women. Most heterosexual women are not going to subsidize unrelated, female strangers from other ethnic groups. I’m highlighting heterosexual women because there’s nothing in this setup that is of any possible interest to most straight women.

    They’re not getting romantic thrills and chills in exchange for subsidizing these other women. They’re not getting sexual gratification in exchange for supporting these other women. They’re not getting material benefits in exchange for supporting them. Foolish straight women will allow men to pimp them in the hopes of gaining at least one of the above-mentioned benefits.

    But for most straight women, the idea of being pimped by another woman is out of the question. That’s the breaking point for most straight women. But this apparently is not a breaking point for many African-American women. Some of you think it’s praiseworthy for you to subsidize Black men’s non-Black wives. Your behavior is out of step with how women from every other ethnic group on this planet behave.

    Non-Black women have no interest in subsidizing you and your Black children. Let me give you a simple, everyday example. Non-Black women generally won’t buy diapers that have a Black baby on the package. The diaper companies know this, which is why they avoid having infant Black models on their packages.

    Don’t call them racist for this. It’s simply a natural, self-protective instinct that women from every other ethnic group have. They have the natural, self-protective instinct to want to keep their resources as in-house as possible. These other women know that when their resources stay within their ethnic or racial group, there’s a higher chance of these resources eventually flowing back to their own children. Everybody understands this. Everybody—except indoctrinated African-American female zombies.

    Some of you are giving to Tyrone—so he can give to Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, and Mei Ling—while you and your children are suffering. What’s wrong with you?

    Let’s be clear. This is not about Black men’s romantic choices. I don’t care about Black men’s interracial relationships and marriages. Now, I do want Black men to stop their hypocritical efforts at blocking Black women from following their example in expanding their marriage options. More importantly, I want African-American women to stop wasting their support on people who don’t support them.

    Faith, you said, “There’s another option to deal with the DBRs and their enablers, the apathetic and the unconcerned: build a separate infrastructure to counterbalance the denigration and a better model to replace the “lesser-than” prodcuts out there. It’s all tied together but absolutely having all our needs met is the only way to go!”

    ITA. The thing is that one can’t contribute to building this competing infrastructure if one is barely making it in life. Like you said, it’s all connected.

    Expect Success!

  19. LaJane Galt says:

    Stop feeding the Black men who hate Black women. Stop feeding the Black women who persist in supporting these Black men.

    Thank you for putting in this in such basic terms. My first reaction to the latest spewing was, “so what else is new?”

    For those who ain’t there yet: It truly is a 5-step grieving process. You will go back and forth between stages, but the trick to moving forward is to remember that what you engage in is literally killing you.

  20. LaJane Galt,

    You said, “Thank you for putting in this in such basic terms.”

    Well, it’s not complicated. So often with various issues, AAs have the mental habit of fixating on what other people are doing “to us” instead of looking at how we help them do whatever they’re doing “to us.” Traditionally, most AAs prefer to focus on people that we define as external enemies instead of looking at how we’re complicit in our own suffering.

    This search for external agents to blame is a mental habit that’s extremely common among dope fiends. I see this mindset consistently displayed among my substance-abusing clients. [And substance-abusing colleagues, I might add.] Nothing is ever their own fault or responsibility. Everything is always about how somebody else is doing them wrong.

    With the 2nd prong of this simple, short term answer (stop feeding the BW who persist in supporting these types of BM), I’ve encountered AA women who argue that it’s “too harsh” to cut off these women. And that these women need “guidance.”

    Meanwhile, in the real world, lessons are usually learned most quickly when some kind of pain is inflicted.

    You said, “For those who ain’t there yet: It truly is a 5-step grieving process. You will go back and forth between stages, but the trick to moving forward is to remember that what you engage in is literally killing you.”

    ITA.
    ______________________________________________

    To The Reader Whose Recent Comment I Rejected,

    No off-topic comments.

    Expect Success!

  21. C says:

    Just the other day, I read a foolish comment over at Halima’s talking about “don’t beat up on our sisters who are making ‘bad’ choices.” Or some such to that effect. Meanwhile, if we’re serious, then we’ll impose heavy sanctions on everybody who supports these deranged, racist AA males.

    That was probably my comment, lol. I think you are misinterpreting what I’m saying. By calling women’s choices foolish and since many women have already made such “foolish choices”, you disincentive people from listening to what you have to say</b.

    My message wasa for people to understand the social context in which, "bad choices" are made. It's about uplifting people with knowledge.

    For example, using the social and biological sciences to understand, that a woman's drive to have a child during her early fertile years (which includes the teens) is a powerful force.

    To my knowledge, global data indicates that the principal mode of uncoupling this innate behavior is through increased education FOR WOMEN. It doesn't matter the country, the culture, how damaged/deranged the menfolk are, how patriarchal the society, etc. (And to be clear I'm talking about trends–there will always be some people who are outliers).

    In general, the more education and education opportunities a woman has, the better choices she makes in picking a mate and planning her family, better outcomes for her kids, etc. FULL STOP.

    So why are people trying to re-invent the wheel? And certainly calling women foolish, etc, isn't going to get as many folks onboard as we could otherwise.

    That is why in my comment, had you read the whole context, I wrote that education is the key, not berating women, shaming them and withholding information, such as the role of gender imbalances in further dis-empowering women in their own community.

    My other point is that education is not just K-12 and college, but it is understanding the context (via science) of the world we live especially when we are bombarded daily with what I consider to be hate speech/imagery toward black women.

    What I love about your blog (I new here) and others blogs is unbridled attack on the memes and prejudices that are being used to undermine AA women—lies about black beauty and our worth, etc. I appreciate the conversation.

    pace e amore.

  22. ***Warning: Extremely Long Reply LOL!***

    C,

    You said, “That was probably my comment, lol. I think you are misinterpreting what I’m saying. By calling women’s choices foolish and since many women have already made such “foolish choices”, you disincentive people from listening to what you have to say.”

    Yes, indeed—I was referring to your comment over at Halima’s house. C, I LIKE a dissenter with a sense of humor and grace! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!

    Since you’re new in this town (blog), let’s take it from the top:

    I understood the underlying premises of your earlier comment . . . and I reject them!

    AAs have been applying the same failed premises underlying your comments for the past 45 years. With a variety of issues, not just this one. After 4.5 decades, the results of these experiments are in: THEY FAILED. And our mass abandonment of common sense is why AAs are forming a permanent underclass in the US.

    It’s long past time to reject these experiments and get back to basics and common sense.

    First of all, common sense dictates that it’s on the person who needs help to listen, NOT on others to tailor life-saving and life-enhancing information to suit the foolish person’s fancy.

    Keeping in mind the above common-sense observation of “who needs what from whom,” I’m not interested in begging fools to listen to common sense. That’s the 1st underlying premise that’s wrong. This notion that folks who need help = folks who something from others have to be (or should be) begged to listen to literally life-saving and life-enhancing information. That’s crazy.

    NO! To paraphrase an old Jackson 5 song, the life they save by listening might be their own! I don’t care if they listen or not—it’s no skin off my nose if they choose to perish in the wilderness of voluntary ignorance. I simply know that I don’t and won’t feed destructive people. Especially people whose destructive behaviors are geared toward destroying me.

    AAs have been coddling and caressing dysfunctional members of our group for the past 45 years. It hasn’t worked. At the same time, AAs abandoned the previous methods of dysfunction-control that DID work. Most of these successful methods revolved around heavy and severe social CONSEQUENCES being enforced for maladaptive behaviors. Things like shunning unwed mothers and their oow children, and enforcing “shotgun weddings.”

    Now, this is not to say that these were pleasant solutions. They weren’t. However, they worked. The shunning discouraged otherwise fence-sitting unwed young women from careless sexual activity. Those who did get pregnant did NOT walk around the neighborhood pregnant AND unmarried. Either they disappeared down South with some relatives and later returned with “their cousin’s baby.” OR their male relatives forced the young man who impregnated the girl to marry her.

    Again, not saying that these were happy marriages. However, the children WERE better off being born legitimate, and with the (forced) financial contribution of their fathers. These shotgun weddings made a long-term difference in the trajectory of these children’s lives.

    Look at what 45 years of coddling criminal activity (aka the search for “alternative solutions” instead of punishment) and irresponsible behavior has done for/to the AA collective: In addition to being the disproportionate cornerstone cash-crop of the US prison-industrial complex, AAs now have a majority bastard child rate. AAs are in prisons at the rate that Jewish people are in the professions!

    I refuse to coddle and caress individuals who are killing us. AAs have been doing that for the past 45 years. Ever since we abandoned common sense and came up with all sorts of “sophisticated” theories that have no bearing on real life. We abandoned what worked in support of experimental methods. From the adoption of “we never spank the children” ideology—to the eternal search for false “solutions” other than the common sense of imprisoning predators—to the modern refusal to acknowledge the reality that single parenting is inherently inferior to the traditional arrangement of married partners raising children.

    After 45 years of doing all these things that were new and strange to traditional AA culture, the results are in: all of this has failed. Miserably.

    Let me repeat some comments I made at the previous blog:

    Part of the problem is that (for the most part) the serial baby mamas do not see decent married Black women. There are now legions of serial baby mamas. In fact, the baby mamas are now the majority of Black mothers. This is a disgrace in addition to being a problem.

    The more important part of the problem is that the married BW that the baby mamas do see are generally NOT living any better than them. For a variety of reasons. The Black marriages that do exist are genrally not healthy or wholesome. This is a problem on many, many levels.

    For example, historically the majority of AAs were always poor. However, we aspired to live like the more affluent Black folks we saw around us in the days of segregation. Poor Blacks saw things about the Black middle class’ lifestyles that were markedly BETTER than what they were experiencing.

    Seeing living examples of a better life helped provide added incentive to make some changes (such as getting an education) that would lead to enjoying such a lifestyle.

    This is why it’s such a serious problem that most married BW can be observed to NOT be living any better than the serial baby-mamas. People know. People can tell. Folks aren’t blind. Other women can tell how shaky a marriage must be just from looking at the insecurities on display.

    When BW settle for, marry, and remain with men who are cheating, other women can tell. When BW settle for, marry and remain with men who are beating them, other women can tell. When BW settle for, marry, remain with, and FINANCIALLY SUPPORT no-working Black men, other women can tell. When BW are married to men that they are desperately afraid will leave them, other women can tell.

    Married BW who are involved in these scenarios are NOT any better off than the baby-mamas. The baby-mamas can see this. So, there’s really no obvious incentive for the baby mamas to hold out for marriage before bearing children.

    I suspect that turning the sympathy equation around is a long-term process. The solution brings together the various aspects of the calls that you, Evia and others have been making to BW.

    Step 1-Do what we can to encourage more BW to form healthy, wholesome marriages. This means that more BW will have to marry outside the race. So, …work … in encouraging BW to step outside the “nothing but a BM” & xenophobia coffins comes into play.

    . . . Step 2-Strengthen & create safe, wholesome, uplifting places and activities for these well-married BW & their families to participate in. This is where mutual cooperation and fellowship come into play. We’ll have to flee Black residential areas to escape the immediate threats to our lives.

    However, in the long run we really need to make connections between our families so our children don’t lose their cultural heritage. Being the only Black child in the midst of non-Blacks is not healthy. There has to be some outlet for being among other sane, decent Black children. I believe this was the original reason why folks started up Jack & Jill.

    Step 3-Enforce sanctions against, and withhold assistance from, serial baby mamas, baby-mamas who sympathize with predators & predator-generaing mothers. AND THEIR BASTARD CHILDREN. Here comes the unpleasant & ugly part. We’re going to have to make a point of excluding serial baby-mamas AND their children from the benefits of the places & activities we strengthen & create in Step #2.

    BW who are on the fence about becoming serial baby-mamas have to see examples of how well-married BW are living BETTER than the serial baby-mamas. They also have to see that serial baby-mamas & their kids MISS OUT on very important & worthwhile things. There has to be a recognizable, HEAVY price to pay for serial baby-mama & sympathy for predators behavior.

    What AAs have lost sight of is that in most healthy societies, bastard children are typically EXCLUDED from participating in all sorts of things. Historically, bastards were NOT accepted as part of decent society. They did NOT inherit anything. They were NOT admitted to certain schools. They could NOT work in certain professions.

    People who had anything to lose weren’t looking to produce or be caught up with bastard children because there were consequences attached to this if it became known.

    Traditionally, you CANNOT be considered a gentleman or a lady if you are a bastard. . . The elites in various ethnic groups still hold to this position.

    It also has echoes of [another] point that …was made. Black fraternities and sororities have admitted folks in recent decades that would NEVER have been let in before. Black frats & sororities used to have a more elite profile. The same with Blacks in the professions. They have since been downgraded into common, and often no-class-at-all gatherings.

    This is what happens when too many unassimilated, unreconstructed strivers are let into things—the quality drops. Dramatically. I saw this happen when I was in college 20+ years ago. They started letting project kids who were college students into the Black fraternities & sororities.

    This is how gangbanger behaviors infiltrated the Black Greek organizations. This is when DEATHS caused by hazing started happening in noticably much larger numbers in Black Greek organizations. Excluding project kids from these groups would have prevented this.

    I think we’re going to have to get back to practicing exclusion if we want folks to catch the hint that it’s not a good idea to blithely produce bastard children. But the first step is to have things of value in place to exclude the serial baby-mamas & their bastard children from.

    . . . Some more thoughts about the salutary effects of exclusion:

    Sometimes you have to risk sounding cruel in order to be kind over the long run. I’ve learned from interacting with the client population that dysfunctional Blacks interpret polite silence as VALIDATION of whatever mess they are engaged in.

    I more or less feel the way my Dad does about bastard children. We can let ONE bastard baby go. After all, people DO fumble with birth control, and not everybody is willing to get an abortion. However, this only applies if the person has the proper attitude about the situation and recognizes that producing a bastard child was a MISTAKE.

    The problem is that most Black folks think that it’s just fine & dandy to have bastard children. We’re even offended when people take note of these kids’ illegitimacy. We want to pretend that it’s just the same as having them within a marriage. NO, it’s not! And as much as we want to deny the difference, we can see the difference in the effect that a majority bastard child rate has had on the AA collective.

    I see this in court all the time. When child welfare agencies swoop in & remove children from a mother’s care, that’s when some Negro “fathers” come out of the woodwork talking about they want “their” kids sent to them.

    I can’t count the number of previously shacked-up Negroes who are SHOCKED when I tell them the following about the children in the former shack-up household that they are not biologically related to:

    ‘Legally, you are a stranger to the other kids that are not your biological children. You did not marry the mother. And you did not adopt these children within a marriage to the mother. You currently have NO right to visitation or anything else to these other kids. As far as the court system is concerned, you are ‘Stranger Danger’ to these other kids. If you want these other kids in your home, you will have to apply to become their foster parent just like any other stranger off the street.’

    This comes from decades of AAs acting as if shacking up & illegitimacy are as valid as marriage. Well, it’s NOT valid in the real world. Nobody (else) respects that. There are minimal rights attached to that.

    Decent people remaining silent to be polite has helped enable this confused attitude to become entrenched.

    It’s a similar thing with unassimilated & unreconstructed strivers. It’s okay to have strivers around in previously more upscale settings IF they are willing to adapt and adopt middle-class behaviors & attitudes. Like ALL previous generations of Black strivers did when they made the leap into the middle class.

    It’s NOT okay for them to come to middle-class environments & professions expecting everybody else to adapt to their slum behaviors & “hateration” of middle-class people. Everybody else’s polite silence has allowed these unassimilated, dysfunctional strivers to think that what they’re doing & their “hateration” attitudes are cool. It’s not.

    This is how you end up with striver Black attorneys thinking that it’s okay to use Ebonics in court. And them copping an attitude when folks try to gently disabuse them of this notion.

    I also start to wonder the following about dysfunctional strivers & their hateration for the Black middle class: “Since you hate & resent us so much, why do you keep coming around us & our activities? Remember, you came to us & our environment. We were minding our own business. We never came to you for anything.”

    If there was a way to discreetly “interview” folks to see where their heads are at, and then screen out based on that, I’d be all for it. But there’s no way to “politely” interview.

    There’s no way to find out if a baby-mama recognizes that having the bastard baby was a mistake; or whether she thinks it’s just dandy. I think when a woman is a serial baby-mama, it’s safe to assume that she thinks that it’s just dandy. Therefore, serial baby-mamas/daddys should be screened out.

    The same with the strivers. If they’re showing signs of hateration and/or slum behaviors, they should be screened out.

    I can’t think of a practical way the Black frats/sororities could have interviewed the project kids to see where their heads were at before they let them in. It would have saved some Black students’ lives to keep ALL of the project kids out of the Black fraternities/sororities. Increased Black hazing FATALITIES were the result of letting these gangbanger-influenced kids into these groups about 25 years ago.

    We can all see the result that our wholesale acceptance of such individuals has had on the Black collective and Blacks in the professions.

    All of this is quite ugly & unpleasant to recount. It’s even uglier to contemplate. But we have to start speaking the truth out loud if we’re going to make headway in solving our problems.

    If someone has a better idea than exclusion to help get our people on track, please let me know. I’m all ears.

    . . . I AM beginning to understand why our parents took certain harsh-seeming postures. This was literally life & death! And it’s life & death right now. As I’ve mentioned before, I have a sense of urgency about these issues because I’m looking at the wreckage of all of this at work everyday.

    Let me give just one example of how AAs’ mass acceptance of shacking & illegitimacy has directly & grievously harmed Black children. I mentioned earlier how so many BM clients are shocked to learn that they have NO rights regarding the non-biologically related children in their former shack-up households.

    I also mentioned how such men are shocked that they have to apply to become foster parents to these non-biological kids just like any other (legal) stranger when child welfare takes these children away from the mothers.

    One of my colleagues represented a BM who had this situation, and this man actually followed through on applying to become these non-biological kids’ foster father. [Wonder of wonders.] Well, this application process takes time.

    Of course, child welfare placed these non-biological children with strangers while he went through the process.

    Several of these non-biological children were molested while they were placed in that stranger’s home! This man would have had rights to get them immediately, and this could have been prevented if he had originally married the mother & adopted these kids instead of just shacking!

    He found out the hard way that shacking leaves children vulnerable. In a lot of ways. And that doing things the right way protects everybody involved in the process. Meanwhile, these children paid the price for all of this. Off the top of my head, I don’t remember if they contracted a STD behind this incident. It’s hard to remember.

    It’s hard for me to remember because this type of scenario happens all the time. Mostly with Black children. Other races of men are more likely to marry the woman & adopt her prior children. Therefore, THEIR children are less likely to be “up for grabs” when something goes wrong with the mother.

    Marriage matters. Legitimacy matters.

    . . . Many of us are complicit in our individual & collective oppression.

    One angle I keep coming back to is that all of these BM monsters (such as the Dunbar Village atrocity defendants, Genarlow Wilson, etc.) were raised by Black women!

    Remember that Afghan, Indian, and Pakistani women raised the men in their societies who throw acid in women’s & schoolgirl’s faces. These particular monsters didn’t just land from the moon into these societies.

    And so it is with OUR internal monsters. WE breed & raise the BM among us who hate, beat, rape, torture, and kill BW. WE also breed & raise the much larger numbers of BM who are indifferent to these atrocities.

    WE also raise the color-struck BM who are self-hating & chase light, bright, & non-Black women as if it was their life mission.

    WE also raise the womanizing Black men who feel that it’s appropriate to live a pimp’s life of juggling numbers of women.

    As women, we need to renew our own minds. We also need to start enforcing sanctions against the serial baby mamas who generate the bulk of our internal monsters. We also need to start enforcing sanctions against the Black women who (in any way) enable BM to engage in exploitative behavior.

    We have much more control over our individual & collective fates than we realize. We need to start assuming & exercising this responsibility.

    So far, all I’ve heard is people reciting demands for the same FAILED ideology demanding that we keep on coddling and caressing destructive individuals. I say “NO” to all of that.

    Expect Success!

  23. Here’s the bottom line as far as I’m concerned:

    The foolish AA women who persist in feeding BM who hate BW can learn to stop doing that in 2 ways:

    (1) Through listening to some common sense when somebody takes the time to express it to them; OR

    (2) through suffering painful consequences and sanctions for their behavior. [Such as the rest of us no longer helping them in any way. Which = “stop feeding them.”]

    It’s up to them. I don’t care which way they learn to stop feeding these damaged men. Now, the less painful (for them) way is to listen to common sense. But, they don’t have to listen. God respects free will, and so do I. I’m not going to cater to them, or beg them to listen to common sense.

    If they don’t want to listen, then they can learn through suffering. Pain is usually the most efficient and effective teacher. As the old saying observes, hard heads create soft behinds.

    Expect Success!

  24. NijaG says:

    Have to co-sign 100% everything you’ve said on this topic.

    One angle I keep coming back to is that all of these BM monsters (such as the Dunbar Village atrocity defendants, Genarlow Wilson, etc.) were raised by Black women!

    Remember that Afghan, Indian, and Pakistani women raised the men in their societies who throw acid in women’s & schoolgirl’s faces. These particular monsters didn’t just land from the moon into these societies.
    *****************************************************************

    I think this issue is a very important point that bears highlighting.

    My observation about this issue comes from my experience in my country (observing the various ethnic groups) and having friends from some of the ones you mentioned above and even here in America. When it comes to Mothers and Sons dynamics on an individual level, the #1 major factor in how Mothers relate to their sons behavior in general and how it affects other (non-familial) women is
    the kind of relationship the woman had/has with her husband or significant other.
    The women with decent, healthy and caring relationships with their husbands tended to have more healthy boundaries and relationships with their sons. They didn’t see their son’s girlfriends or future daughter-in-laws as threats. On the other hand, women who had bad, disharmonious relationships with their husbands tended to transfer all that need for male attention, love and respect towards their sons whom they feel should be loyal to them.
    Other women, (usually wives) in their sons’ live whom have influence over their sons are seen as a THREAT. I’ve seen mother-in-laws who would rather destroy their son’s marriages/rlsps once they see that his wife is gaining or has gained influence over him.

    The whole thing then really becomes a vicious cycle on a macro level once you factor in nations with larger scale systematic oppression of women. That doesn’t really tend to foster good marital relationships for the most part.

  25. Miss V says:

    Khadijah, you said: “Marriage matters. Legitimacy matters.

    . . . Many of us are complicit in our individual & collective oppression.

    One angle I keep coming back to is that all of these BM monsters (such as the Dunbar Village atrocity defendants, Genarlow Wilson, etc.) were raised by Black women!

    Remember that Afghan, Indian, and Pakistani women raised the men in their societies who throw acid in women’s & schoolgirl’s faces. These particular monsters didn’t just land from the moon into these societies.

    And so it is with OUR internal monsters. WE breed & raise the BM among us who hate, beat, rape, torture, and kill BW. WE also breed & raise the much larger numbers of BM who are indifferent to these atrocities.

    WE also raise the color-struck BM who are self-hating & chase light, bright, & non-Black women as if it was their life mission.

    WE also raise the womanizing Black men who feel that it’s appropriate to live a pimp’s life of juggling numbers of women.

    As women, we need to renew our own minds. We also need to start enforcing sanctions against the serial baby mamas who generate the bulk of our internal monsters. We also need to start enforcing sanctions against the Black women who (in any way) enable BM to engage in exploitative behavior.

    We have much more control over our individual & collective fates than we realize. We need to start assuming & exercising this responsibility.”

    As a single mother of a son, I definitely see the places where I’ve made mistakes with raising him, starting with picking his father.

    While I agree with everything in the aforementioned quote, I can’t help but believe that much of the dysfunctional parenting that many black women employ comes from the programming that many of us have received as children and have taken on as adults: black men/boys are more important/superior to black women/girls, that women, especially black women are no good/untrustworthy/unclean, etc., light skin/”good” hair vs. dark skin/”bad” hair.

    It’s interesting that you have this post, because lately I’ve been thinking about how black women are criticized when it comes to parenting, especially single parents, and for me, this is especially key when the criticism comes from black men. I know for me, many of the mistakes I’ve made have come from believing that as a mother, I have practically nothing of value (in certain areas) to offer my son because I’m not a man. Somehow, I wonder if that’s too often the case with other single moms who have sons. Black men’s refusal to step up/step in certainly hasn’t make things any better, even though many of them carry on so much about the importance of saving black males.

    Another cause for my mistakes is my becoming resentful of having to do everything alone.

    That whole ‘renewing of our minds’ piece is essential, because for too long, we black women have allowed black men/male identified black women tell the rest of us bw who we are/should be in relationship to black men, because of our own ignorance or cowardice, or both (depending on the bw in question). For me, it was both.

    BW need to accept the fact that we’re literally on our own, and start analyzing the motives of bm/bmi black women when they start that ‘stand by the black man no matter what’ garbage and begin asking themselves who benefits from that claptrap. If they’re honest with themselves, they know what the answer is.

    Along with renewing or minds, how do learn how to conduct healthy, loving relationships that will lead to marriage? We’re generally not taught how to have such relationships, let alone marriages. bell hooks said that many women fail at loving simply because we don’t know what we’re doing.

    I apologize for such a long post, but I had to get that off my chest.

  26. NijaG,

    I’m wondering if I should take the time to look into the history of the White American feminist movement. The reality is that Western WW in the US (and I suppose the UK—I’m not familiar enough with what’s going on there to comment) have made their society a MUCH less toxic place for women than anywhere else on the planet. Including, among the non-Western minority populations that live in these societies.
    _______________________________________________

    MissV,

    I don’t know what the answers are to fixing the problems and mistakes that have already been created. I don’t have those sorts of answers. {sigh}

    All I do know is the following:

    The first step to finding real answers—answers that actually work—is to abandon the false answers that AAs have embraced for the past 45 years.

    In order to do this, more of us have to become willing to speak the truth. Instead of blindly reciting our ideological mantras. We have to stop mincing words and using euphemisms. And call things what they are.

    There’s power in correctly identifying and naming things and situations. And there’s weakness and suffering in MIS-identifying things and situations. This is a large part of what has gone wrong with AAs. We no longer recognize negative and inferior situations as being such because we’ve falsely labelled them as neutral and acceptable.

    An honest assessment of our situation is the first step to finding real answers that work.

    Expect Success!

    • NijaG says:

      NijaG,

      I’m wondering if I should take the time to look into the history of the White American feminist movement. The reality is that Western WW in the US (and I suppose the UK—I’m not familiar enough with what’s going on there to comment) have made their society a MUCH less toxic place for women than anywhere else on the planet. Including, among the non-Western minority populations that live in these societies.
      *****************************************************************

      Khadija,

      I’m by no means an expert on Western WW feminism. What I do know from the 1-2 classes I took in undergrad and just my general readings is that the Feminist Movement was definitely needed at a MACRO level to bring the issues and needs of women at the fore-front of the society’s consciousness which at the time was male dominated and focused. MACRO of course trickles down into the MICRO.

      ABSOLUTE POWER CORRUPTS. I don’t care how enlightened a group/race of men think they are. When there is implicit and/or explicit power dynamics that favor a group, abuse is going to happen in some form or the other.

      I definitely think most modern Western women have benefited from the changes that resulted especially in the first and second wave of the feminist movement. Also, while others may disagree with me on this, I’ll even say that the sexual revolution was also needed.

      There is no perfect movement, but one of the major reasons why I love this country is that as a nation/people in general, once something stops working or is having a negative effect, people start looking for alternate solutions. It could be by looking in the past (e.g. the growing number of old fashioned dating/courtships books, blogs, etc) or thinking of something new/radical.

  27. sistrunkqueen says:

    I have given my job walking papers.
    I am out of here
    Moving to Sweden for 6 months

  28. Sistrunkqueen,

    Congratulations! 🙂

    Expect Success!