Roslyn Is Right—Reasons Don’t Matter
CHECK OUT ROSLYN HOLCOMB’S FREE LESSONS—THE LOVE AND LIFE YOU SAVE MIGHT BE YOUR OWN
I’ve always enjoyed reading the Free Lessons about dating that author Roslyn Hardy Holcomb has generously shared. Her essays are witty and wise. It’s well worth taking the time to read through all the Free Lessons. I’m thankful whenever she contributes to the conversations here. Anyway, I was recently reminded of her Free Lesson #20 titled Reasons Don’t Matter, where she said,
See, here’s the thing, people will always have reasons, sometimes even good reasons for why they do things. Willie Sutton said he robbed banks because that was where the money was. Sounds like a good reason, but I wouldn’t recommend laying up with a bank robber, either. Many women wind up in relationships with sub-standard men because they listened to him reason away past (and present) bad behavior.
The fact of the matter remains the reasons are unimportant. The question you have to ask is what impact does this behavior have on you? It doesn’t matter why old boy has a baby mama who belongs in a psych ward. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who has a crazy woman on his six FOR LIFE? Fine, he has messed up credit because his mama/cousin/brother/sister forged his name. Are you willing to accept the consequences of marrying a man with a FICO of -200? (Trust me, that’s pretty grim.)
Roslyn is absolutely correct about this. I was reminded of this particular free lesson because several readers have recently sent me links to some nonsensical conversations at some other Black blogs. The topic under discussion was a video that apparently shows a Black man attacking a Black woman (who was wearing a tight dress) as she walks past him and some other Black men. I say “apparently” because I didn’t watch the video. I generally don’t watch videos of women (particularly Black women) being attacked. For me, seeing that sort of material is a spirit-draining experience that I reject. What struck me about the women’s comments at those blogs is that they didn’t catch the most important take-away point from that video and the inappropriate reactions of many other commenters:
Whenever a Black woman is physically present in an African-American social setting or neighborhood—she is in GRAVE danger!
Besides the immediate physical danger presented by any Black male predators who are present, there’s also the added danger created by many (if not most) African-Americans’ current “stop snitching” ethos. Instead of calling the police when a woman is attacked right in front of them, modern African-Americans will stand around, take cell phone videos of the attack and apparently laugh. Forget about anybody intervening to help.
THE REASONS DON’T MATTER
Instead of recognizing the threat that Black social and residential settings pose to their physical safety, many of the women commenters whined about how disappointed they were by the predator-enabling comments made by numerous other commenters. (Both Black men and heavily Black-male identified Black women.) They also spent a lot of time discussing and debating the “reasons” the predator-enablers gave for this attack, the bystanders’ inaction, and African-American men’s overall disregard for Black women. None of that matters. In that context, the only thing that should matter to any individual African-American woman is maintaining her own physical safety. A good start would be to stop talking to, and get away from, people who make predator-enabling statements.
THIS “LET’S TALK IT OUT-LET’S TALK ABOUT THE UNDERLYING REASONS” GIMMICK IS A STALLING TACTIC—DON’T FALL FOR IT
There are certain conversations that I generally refuse to have. As I explained in post titled If You’re A Black Business Owner Who Wants To Succeed, Leave The African-American Consumer Behind,
I usually refuse to engage in “How to Have or Save Black Businesses” conversations with people who are not engaged in business activities themselves. I typically refuse to engage in that sort of conversation for the same reason I refuse to engage Black men in the “if Black women would only do X,Y, and Z then more Black men would want to marry them” conversation.
I firmly believe that both of these types of conversations are fundamentally dishonest. Because the underlying premises are untrue. In the business context, I believe that this false premise is about denial (of how slave-minded most of us are), and wishful thinking about the true nature and motivations of African-American consumers.
“Black Love’s” Double Standards. Black men will happily marry NON-Black women that have all the traits that they claim to find so off-putting about many Black women: obesity, difficult personalities, and so on.
Masses of Black women could twist themselves into pretzels physically, emotionally, and spiritually to try to cater to African-American males, and the bulk of these males still would not marry a Black woman. They’ll have sex with and impregnate Black women; but not marry them. Also, many of these males would still choose non-Black women whenever they get the opportunity.
Dishonestly Stalling to Maintain Monopoly Control Over Black Women. African-American women are the only resource that African-American men control. They have nothing else. Many Black men will be in trouble if more African-American women start imitating Black men by doing whatever works best for them. Without worrying about the so-called community or “Black love.”
Consequently, the true underlying purpose of most “Black love” conversations is to keep Black women’s money, time, energy, attention, and efforts solely focused on supporting Black men and their issues (which are redefined as overall “Black community issues”). All while Black men continue wandering off to do whatever they want to do, without considering how their choices affect the so-called community. Which is their right.
During this same earlier conversation, I said the following in response to a reader who expressed concerns about my “no more dialog with certain categories of people about certain topics” position,
But we already know “the why” of how things got to this point. Is there really any AA among us who genuinely does not know about the brainwashing that was heaped on our ancestors during slavery? Which is the same brainwashing that AAs have chosen to carry forward into the 21st century. Who doesn’t know that? What is there left to explore—that hasn’t already been explored—about “the why”? It seems to me that AAs have been crying out about “the why” for many decades now.
. . . I respectfully and cheerfully agree to disagree. AA men and women have been talking about “Black love” and “Black relationships” for decades.
Once I stumbled out of the Matrix, and began to see many things as they actually are (as oppposed to seeing them through the filter of my previous Black Nationalist ideology), there are many things I don’t understand. Maybe you can explain the following:
1-Where has all that talking with AA men about relationships gotten AA women?
2-How has ANY of that talk benefitted AA women?
3-What exactly do AA women realistically stand to gain from continuing to talk to AA men about (Black) relationships?
4-In fact, what is there even left for AA women and AA men to talk about at this point in terms of relationships? Since AA men’s mass behavior (the refusal to marry the BW they impregnate, creating a 70% and rising AA out of wedlock birth rate) indicates that AA men are not interested in marriage, nor interested in marriage with BW, what is there left to talk about?
. . . Again, I can see what AA men have to gain from continuing those “Black relationship” conversations. It’s a clever stalling tactic to delay increasing numbers of AA women from imitating BM’s lead and doing whatever works for them as individual women—without factoring in BM and the now-dead AA community.
But what I don’t see is what AA women have to gain from continuing to engage in “Black relationship” conversations with AA men. I ask again, what’s in it for AA women to do this?
I have the same bottom-line questions in terms of AA business owners: After FOUR DECADES of AA consumer’s unrelenting and hypocritical boycott of visibly Black-owned businesses, what is there left to talk about? What’s in it for AA business owners to keep talking to (mostly dishonest and/or delusional) AA consumers?
. . . The Dunbar Village Atrocity and many AAs’ inappropriate responses to that crime against humanity shocked me out of my prior Black Nationalist beliefs. I was a Black Nationalist because, like most folks from other ethnic groups, I loved my own people. I still care about AAs.
However, the Dunbar Village Atrocity and Aftermath showed me that the masses of modern-day AAs are NOT the people I previously thought we were. Most AAs have turned into somebody and something else. The cultural pathologies that I’ve been discussing on this blog and the previous one always existed among us. These pathologies are a legacy of slavery and the slave-making brainwashing process. However, in addition to the outside survival pressures of Jim Crow, there were many deeply good things about traditional AA culture that helped offset some of these pathologies.
We should have used the roughly 150 years after emancipation to repair our racial and ethnic self-hatred. We didn’t do that. Instead, we papered over these issues. Well, now it’s too late for any of that. The self-hatred cancer is too far gone, and we don’t have the same type of outside pressures to keep us in check. We’re free to be as self-destructive as we want to be. This is why AAs are a FAILED collective.
To repeat the analogies that have been used to describe the current AA situation: The Titanic is sinking, the house is burning, and Saigon is falling. Right now. Time has run out for the sort of dialogue and conversations that it sounds like you believe are useful. Who has time to talk in a burning house, sinking ship, or a city that is being overrun by an enemy?
At this point, the only useful conversation—to be yelled out in snippets while running for one’s life—is about How To Escape The Sinking Ship-Burning House-Falling City.
[Reader], even though you mean well, I believe that other type of conversation you’re suggesting is nothing but a distraction that keeps AA women sitting around having a coffee klatch in the middle of a burning house.
“A coffee klatch in the middle of a burning house . . . while surrounded by violent predators and predator-enablers” is a perfect description of the Black blog conversations I read about the latest “Black woman being attacked” video.
Here’s the take-away point of this post. Stay focused on the following questions:
- How does X impact my physical safety?
- How does X impact my money?
- How does X impact my quality of life?
- What’s in it for me?
**Audience Note** I’m not going to publish comments that analyze this particular victim’s choice of attire. There are some things I could say about that, but that’s not the point of this conversation. The point is to further expose this “let’s talk it out-let’s talk about the reasons” scam, and to encourage more African-American women to learn how to focus on their own survival and interests.
Tagged as: pop culture detox