Roslyn Is Right—Reasons Don’t Matter

CHECK OUT ROSLYN HOLCOMB’S FREE LESSONS—THE LOVE AND LIFE YOU SAVE MIGHT BE YOUR OWN

I’ve always enjoyed reading the Free Lessons about dating that author Roslyn Hardy Holcomb has generously shared. Her essays are witty and wise. It’s well worth taking the time to read through all the Free Lessons. I’m thankful whenever she contributes to the conversations here. Anyway, I was recently reminded of her Free Lesson #20 titled Reasons Don’t Matter, where she said,

See, here’s the thing, people will always have reasons, sometimes even good reasons for why they do things. Willie Sutton said he robbed banks because that was where the money was. Sounds like a good reason, but I wouldn’t recommend laying up with a bank robber, either. Many women wind up in relationships with sub-standard men because they listened to him reason away past (and present) bad behavior.

The fact of the matter remains the reasons are unimportant. The question you have to ask is what impact does this behavior have on you? It doesn’t matter why old boy has a baby mama who belongs in a psych ward. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who has a crazy woman on his six FOR LIFE? Fine, he has messed up credit because his mama/cousin/brother/sister forged his name. Are you willing to accept the consequences of marrying a man with a FICO of -200? (Trust me, that’s pretty grim.)

Roslyn is absolutely correct about this. I was reminded of this particular free lesson because several readers have recently sent me links to some nonsensical conversations at some other Black blogs. The topic under discussion was a video that apparently shows a Black man attacking a Black woman (who was wearing a tight dress) as she walks past him and some other Black men. I say “apparently” because I didn’t watch the video. I generally don’t watch videos of women (particularly Black women) being attacked. For me, seeing that sort of material is a spirit-draining experience that I reject. What struck me about the women’s comments at those blogs is that they didn’t catch the most important take-away point from that video and the inappropriate reactions of many other commenters:

Whenever a Black woman is physically present in an African-American social setting or neighborhood—she is in GRAVE danger!

Besides the immediate physical danger presented by any Black male predators who are present, there’s also the added danger created by many (if not most) African-Americans’ current “stop snitching” ethos. Instead of calling the police when a woman is attacked right in front of them, modern African-Americans will stand around, take cell phone videos of the attack and apparently laugh. Forget about anybody intervening to help.

THE REASONS DON’T MATTER

Instead of recognizing the threat that Black social and residential settings pose to their physical safety, many of the women commenters whined about how disappointed they were by the predator-enabling comments made by numerous other commenters. (Both Black men and heavily Black-male identified Black women.) They also spent a lot of time discussing and debating the “reasons” the predator-enablers gave for this attack, the bystanders’ inaction, and African-American men’s overall disregard for Black women. None of that matters. In that context, the only thing that should matter to any individual African-American woman is maintaining her own physical safety. A good start would be to stop talking to, and get away from, people who make predator-enabling statements.

THIS “LET’S TALK IT OUT-LET’S TALK ABOUT THE UNDERLYING REASONS” GIMMICK IS A STALLING TACTIC—DON’T FALL FOR IT

There are certain conversations that I generally refuse to have. As I explained in post titled If You’re A Black Business Owner Who Wants To Succeed, Leave The African-American Consumer Behind,

I usually refuse to engage in “How to Have or Save Black Businesses” conversations with people who are not engaged in business activities themselves. I typically refuse to engage in that sort of conversation for the same reason I refuse to engage Black men in the “if Black women would only do X,Y, and Z then more Black men would want to marry them” conversation.

I firmly believe that both of these types of conversations are fundamentally dishonest. Because the underlying premises are untrue. In the business context, I believe that this false premise is about denial (of how slave-minded most of us are), and wishful thinking about the true nature and motivations of African-American consumers.

“Black Love’s” Double Standards. Black men will happily marry NON-Black women that have all the traits that they claim to find so off-putting about many Black women: obesity, difficult personalities, and so on.

Masses of Black women could twist themselves into pretzels physically, emotionally, and spiritually to try to cater to African-American males, and the bulk of these males still would not marry a Black woman. They’ll have sex with and impregnate Black women; but not marry them. Also, many of these males would still choose non-Black women whenever they get the opportunity.

Dishonestly Stalling to Maintain Monopoly Control Over Black Women. African-American women are the only resource that African-American men control. They have nothing else. Many Black men will be in trouble if more African-American women start imitating Black men by doing whatever works best for them. Without worrying about the so-called community or “Black love.”

Consequently, the true underlying purpose of most “Black love” conversations is to keep Black women’s money, time, energy, attention, and efforts solely focused on supporting Black men and their issues (which are redefined as overall “Black community issues”). All while Black men continue wandering off to do whatever they want to do, without considering how their choices affect the so-called community. Which is their right.

During this same earlier conversation, I said the following in response to a reader who expressed concerns about my “no more dialog with certain categories of people about certain topics” position,

But we already know “the why” of how things got to this point. Is there really any AA among us who genuinely does not know about the brainwashing that was heaped on our ancestors during slavery? Which is the same brainwashing that AAs have chosen to carry forward into the 21st century. Who doesn’t know that? What is there left to explore—that hasn’t already been explored—about “the why”? It seems to me that AAs have been crying out about “the why” for many decades now.

. . . I respectfully and cheerfully agree to disagree. AA men and women have been talking about “Black love” and “Black relationships” for decades.

Once I stumbled out of the Matrix, and began to see many things as they actually are (as oppposed to seeing them through the filter of my previous Black Nationalist ideology), there are many things I don’t understand. Maybe you can explain the following:

1-Where has all that talking with AA men about relationships gotten AA women?

2-How has ANY of that talk benefitted AA women?

3-What exactly do AA women realistically stand to gain from continuing to talk to AA men about (Black) relationships?

4-In fact, what is there even left for AA women and AA men to talk about at this point in terms of relationships? Since AA men’s mass behavior (the refusal to marry the BW they impregnate, creating a 70% and rising AA out of wedlock birth rate) indicates that AA men are not interested in marriage, nor interested in marriage with BW, what is there left to talk about?

. . . Again, I can see what AA men have to gain from continuing those “Black relationship” conversations. It’s a clever stalling tactic to delay increasing numbers of AA women from imitating BM’s lead and doing whatever works for them as individual women—without factoring in BM and the now-dead AA community.

But what I don’t see is what AA women have to gain from continuing to engage in “Black relationship” conversations with AA men. I ask again, what’s in it for AA women to do this?

I have the same bottom-line questions in terms of AA business owners: After FOUR DECADES of AA consumer’s unrelenting and hypocritical boycott of visibly Black-owned businesses, what is there left to talk about? What’s in it for AA business owners to keep talking to (mostly dishonest and/or delusional) AA consumers?

. . . The Dunbar Village Atrocity and many AAs’ inappropriate responses to that crime against humanity shocked me out of my prior Black Nationalist beliefs. I was a Black Nationalist because, like most folks from other ethnic groups, I loved my own people. I still care about AAs.

However, the Dunbar Village Atrocity and Aftermath showed me that the masses of modern-day AAs are NOT the people I previously thought we were. Most AAs have turned into somebody and something else. The cultural pathologies that I’ve been discussing on this blog and the previous one always existed among us. These pathologies are a legacy of slavery and the slave-making brainwashing process. However, in addition to the outside survival pressures of Jim Crow, there were many deeply good things about traditional AA culture that helped offset some of these pathologies.

We should have used the roughly 150 years after emancipation to repair our racial and ethnic self-hatred. We didn’t do that. Instead, we papered over these issues. Well, now it’s too late for any of that. The self-hatred cancer is too far gone, and we don’t have the same type of outside pressures to keep us in check. We’re free to be as self-destructive as we want to be. This is why AAs are a FAILED collective.

To repeat the analogies that have been used to describe the current AA situation: The Titanic is sinking, the house is burning, and Saigon is falling. Right now. Time has run out for the sort of dialogue and conversations that it sounds like you believe are useful. Who has time to talk in a burning house, sinking ship, or a city that is being overrun by an enemy?

At this point, the only useful conversation—to be yelled out in snippets while running for one’s life—is about How To Escape The Sinking Ship-Burning House-Falling City.

[Reader], even though you mean well, I believe that other type of conversation you’re suggesting is nothing but a distraction that keeps AA women sitting around having a coffee klatch in the middle of a burning house.

“A coffee klatch in the middle of a burning house . . . while surrounded by violent predators and predator-enablers” is a perfect description of the Black blog conversations I read about the latest “Black woman being attacked” video.

Here’s the take-away point of this post. Stay focused on the following questions:

  • How does X impact my physical safety?
  • How does X impact my money?
  • How does X impact my quality of life?
  • What’s in it for me?

**Audience Note** I’m not going to publish comments that analyze this particular victim’s choice of attire. There are some things I could say about that, but that’s not the point of this conversation. The point is to further expose this “let’s talk it out-let’s talk about the reasons” scam, and to encourage more African-American women to learn how to focus on their own survival and interests.

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70 Responses to “Roslyn Is Right—Reasons Don’t Matter”

  1. SS says:

    I don’t think the “current” African American culture is of any value to black women. The music dehumanizes black women and the films make us out to be everything but feminine. Would it be such a bad thing to sever all ties with people that practice it? What would happen if black women were to refrain from viewing, listening or participating in any of so called “black” activities? Do you think we will have a different perception of the world and our worth? I stopped viewing so called black films and listening to black comedians because the material always seemed to be substandard. I was tired of being target practice for some black filmmaker or musician. As you broaden your horizons you’re introduced to other cultures. You learn that African Americans are not the only group of people that were subject to oppression and that in many instances we’re incredibly more fortunate than others. This alone forces you to take advantage of opportunities for success and not spend copious amount of time talking about how things should be.

  2. Khadija I am deeply honored that you feel that one of my Free Lessons is worthy of presentation here. I too received emails about that video, and I didn’t watch it either. What would be the point? I struggle daily to avoid things that assault my soul, not run toward them. To me, this is a crucial part of the escape that I experienced more than 20 years ago. It’s not about hatred or even dislike of black men, it’s indifference. That’s what true freedom is about, when you’re really liberated black men (aside from some relatives and dear friends) rarely if ever impact your life. When you are at that level the last thing you want to do is pollute your spirit with more of that deviant behavior.

    Like you said, black women have been distracted by this “need to dialogue” for forty years. I can’t imagine what more there is to talk about. Black women have fallen for the McGuffin time and again. (For those of you who don’t fiend for Hitchcock like me the McGuffin is another word for a distraction–a red herring. For instance, when the movie Psycho opens you see a woman running away with a large amount of money, and you immediately assume the movie is going to be about that, but in actuality it’s about something totally different. In the end you never find out what the money’s about and you really don’t care. Sorry if you’re already familiar with the term.) The McGuffin is a neat trick, a clever sleight of hand and one that black women have been distracted by for decades. “We need to talk. We need to talk.” They bleat like mindless sheep. About what? Black men have made it clear that making families is not on their agenda. To accommodate them we tried to reinvent the wheel. We threw away millenniums of wisdom that demonstrated that a family was the best environment in which to raise children and we are reaping the tragic consequences. We’ve created mutant monsters that ride bicycles to slaughter little girls double-dutching in front of their own homes. Once we’ve reached this level of depravity and savagery what more is there to talk about? Nothing, because nothing’s changed and nothing will change.

    If nothing’s changed in more years than many of us have been alive, I doubt it’s going to change now. The only thing we can change is OURSELVES. And that’s what’s creating the ruckus, because things are changing. When I first came online back in the mid-nineties I could find very few black women to have this type conversation with. We were always shouted down by the black male identified black women. We were severely out-numbered. Now those numbers are gradually shifting. Because I’ve been here so long I can see the difference. From time to time I even get emails from black women I haven’t talked to in more than a decade. They tell me that they’ve seen the light now. They’ve come to their senses. Those emails are incredibly gratifying.

  3. SS,

    You said, “I don’t think the “current” African American culture is of any value to black women.”

    No, it’s not. This stuff is actually a non-stop assault on BW’s dignity and spirits.

    You said, “The music dehumanizes black women and the films make us out to be everything but feminine.”

    And the tv shows are atrocious. Yesterday, I was at the laudromat (and therefore forced to overhear the tv selections of the other patrons, most of whom were AA women with their small children at that particular hour, although the overall clientele is multi-ethnic). They were watching a show I had never seen before, House of Payne.

    It was terrible: the actors were shouting their lines (to mimic the shouted conversations that coarse, ghetto AAs have with people standing 2 feet from them); and everthing about that show reinforced all sorts of horrid stereotypes. And yet, the promos for the next episode referred to that coonery as “positive” entertainment. I suppose because there were references to at least one character being “saved.”

    You said, “Would it be such a bad thing to sever all ties with people that practice it? What would happen if black women were to refrain from viewing, listening or participating in any of so called “black” activities? Do you think we will have a different perception of the world and our worth?”

    If AA women stopped consuming that garbage, then their spirits would naturally rise—they wouldn’t be subjecting themselves to the constant assault of these BW-hating products.

    You said, “I stopped viewing so called black films and listening to black comedians because the material always seemed to be substandard. I was tired of being target practice for some black filmmaker or musician.”

    The same for me. And, once you stop consuming that cr*p, there’s more time and room for life-GIVING and life-ENHANCING material.
    ______________________________________________________

    Roslyn,

    You said, “Khadija I am deeply honored that you feel that one of my Free Lessons is worthy of presentation here.”

    Thank YOU for so generously sharing your wisdom!

    You said, “I too received emails about that video, and I didn’t watch it either. What would be the point? I struggle daily to avoid things that assault my soul, not run toward them.”

    That’s another point of concern that I have for so many AA women. They are so quick to lap up materials that are obviously spirit-draining. And then so many BW have the most…peculiar…reactions to watching videos of other BW being physically attacked. So many of them either (1) run to talk to BM who excuse violence against BW, or (2) actively identify with the BM attackers (by justifying the attack)!

    All of this INSTEAD of having the natural survival reaction of, “I’ve got to get FAR away from these rabid animals and the other animals who try to defend-explain-rationalize their behavior!”

    You said, “To me, this is a crucial part of the escape that I experienced more than 20 years ago. It’s not about hatred or even dislike of black men, it’s indifference. That’s what true freedom is about, when you’re really liberated black men (aside from some relatives and dear friends) rarely if ever impact your life.”

    Exactly. That’s why (as I explained to a reader during the most recent “tune-out” conversation) the “tune out” of non-contributing people, places and things is NOT about “showing BM” anything. The tune-out isn’t even about BM. It’s about clearing away the non-contributing clutter to make room for people, places and things that WILL contribute to one’s quality of life.

    More AA women need to understand that the opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference, and the total apathy that comes from indifference. To hate something is to still care DEEPLY about it, and to still invest a LOT of emotional energy into watching it, watching its reactions, and reacting to it.

    Here’s a practical tip for those BW who are still emotionally caught up in trying to “show BM” anything: People can sense the difference. People (including AA males) can tell the difference between you ignoring them because they’re not doing anything to be worthy of your attention. Versus you ignoring them because you’re trying to “show them.” The BM that you’re trying to “show” take comfort in seeing through your motives—it’s STILL ego-gratifying to these men to see that you’re trying to “show” them anything. Having that motivation lets BM know that you still deeply care about them and their reactions.

    You said, “The McGuffin is a neat trick, a clever sleight of hand and one that black women have been distracted by for decades. “We need to talk. We need to talk.” They bleat like mindless sheep. About what? Black men have made it clear that making families is not on their agenda.”

    Exactly. {chuckling at the mental image of sheep bleating “We need to talk, we need to talk”}

    You said, “To accommodate them we tried to reinvent the wheel. We threw away millenniums of wisdom that demonstrated that a family was the best environment in which to raise children and we are reaping the tragic consequences. We’ve created mutant monsters that ride bicycles to slaughter little girls double-dutching in front of their own homes. Once we’ve reached this level of depravity and savagery what more is there to talk about? Nothing, because nothing’s changed and nothing will change.”

    Indeed. Another thing about the “We need to talk, we need to talk” bleating is that it distracts and delays BW from saving their own lives by running for their lives AWAY from Black residential areas.

    You said, “The only thing we can change is OURSELVES. And that’s what’s creating the ruckus, because things are changing. When I first came online back in the mid-nineties I could find very few black women to have this type conversation with. We were always shouted down by the black male identified black women. We were severely out-numbered. Now those numbers are gradually shifting. Because I’ve been here so long I can see the difference. From time to time I even get emails from black women I haven’t talked to in more than a decade. They tell me that they’ve seen the light now. They’ve come to their senses. Those emails are incredibly gratifying.”

    Alhamdulilaah! [“Praise God!”]

    Expect Success!

  4. Felicia says:

    There’s nothing to “talk about” and never has been as far as I’m concerned.

    The fact is most BW (and unfortunately the majority of their children who are fatherless) are in the sorry state they’re in because they’ve hitched their wagons to BM. The majority of whom are damaged beyond repair. Decade after decade after decade they’ve denigrated themselves.

    Waisting, their youth, resources, time, thoughts, wombs, etc… on damaged black males.

    Because of the sexist predominantly male dominated world we live in, women the world over have always and will always rise or fall according to the type of men they romantically associate themselves with and bare children by.

    BW as a group have habitually chosen the WRONG men by and large and time and time again. And have the lowest marriage rates, the highest OOW birth-rates, the highest rates of AIDS, and many other misfortunes to show for it.

    The GOOD news is, a growing number of BW are FINALLY buying a clue and leaving this “save the black community”/”black race” NONSENSE for good.

    Joining the HUMAN race and human community of LIKE MINDED people. This is where it’s at.

    A meeting of similar minds and attitudes.

    Color/”race” be d*mned.

    Yes, more BW – and most importantly YOUNG BW – are waking up, smelling the coffee, and dating and mating OUT of the dead “black community”. And I say it’s about time.

    I wouldn’t advise ANY BW – or human being period – to willingly expose themselves to poison. And that’s all that sickening video described is.

    BW need to FLEE these all black Hell Holes for good and cease associating with (or even coming in proximity with) with those who have anti-BW sentiments. And that means limiting contact with most BM and many BW who are BM identified these days.

    Life is WONDERFUL OUTSIDE the Matrix/”bc”. And for these cretins to be acting up online and off PROVES that more BW are successfully joining the mainstream of society OUTSIDE of the black construct.

    So… WE ARE WINNING. Slowly but surely some BW are going to make it. Those who’ve heard the truth – believe it – and yet have STILL chosen to reject it have only themselves to blame for their lot.

    And it will be an increasingly ugly lot indeed.

  5. Faith Dow says:

    I have no idea what video you’re referring to and I don’t WANNA know! This just proves how invested in black males that many black women still are. Even if it’s to lament their poor behavior. They still want a viable male population to coexist with but have not yet reached the point where they’re willing to set aside race, skin tone and a shared history of oppression as determining factors of that choice.

    Some women just need information and time to process – others will go down on the Titanic. I’ve also seen the effects of these conversations taking root even on some of the entertainment-related blogs. They don’t delve too deeply or offer any solutions (such as telling BW to FLEE) but planting a few seeds can be useful in preparing some women. Eventually those who are like-minded gravitate towards each other.

    That horrid show you mentioned is the creation from the mind of Tyler Perry. While I cringe every time I see a commercial I also know that unless others are willing and able to step forward to offer something of substance it leaves rooms for the likes of Perry and worse. I’m still mad about the way he took control of “For Colored Girls…

    Meanwhile ELLE magazine decided to put Gabby Sidibe on the Oct cover (which could have been a perk) only to make her look as unattractive as possible – on purpose of course! If more BW were concerned about the things that really matter – our survival (and thriving) we wouldn’t be squandering opportunities to uplift ourselves (like owning media and controlling our image) and combat some of the others who’d portray us in a negative light.

    • ak says:

      Yet ELLE couldn’t find Roseanne Barr, Kirstie Alley, Gabrielle Union, Zoe Saldana, Chanel Iman, or Kerry Washington! Whatever.

      • AK,

        I can’t stress this point enough:

        The WW at Elle magazine have NO reason to find the women you named. It’s not in their best interests to find these women.

        We can’t keep expecting other people to act against their own best interests. Or getting angry when they refuse to sabotage their own interests. Nobody does that except us.

        Expect Success!

  6. Joyousnerd says:

    I also refuse to watch poison like that. I wonder to what degree these videos are made to be propaganda. They certainly provide a sounding board for the BM-protectionists and their lapdogs to give the “rules” once more… to list the many regulations we BW have to meet or else face the consequences. Maybe I’m giving people too much credit; maybe it’s not as well thought out as all of that. But it does seem to me that these images and the comments that come with them serve to intimidate and threaten black women into doing what black men want or else risk terrible consequences.

    I was speaking to a young BW about the problem of street harassment that BW face from BM. She told me that she always speaks respectfully to these deadbeats standing around on the corner. The reason she makes this choice is because she remembers a rap video from the early 90’s in which a BW refuses to entertain some BM’s advances, and she is humiliated publicly by having some alcohol sprayed all over her. After watching that video, this girl told herself that she would make sure to always speak respectfully to these men in order to avoid a similar reaction. How many little girls watched that video over and over, allowing the “inception” to take firm root?

    Even if there isn’t some gaggle of hateful BM in an underground bunker making plots, lol, the result is still one that privileges BM and oppresses BW.

    I hope all of that made sense…

  7. Felicia,

    You said, “I wouldn’t advise ANY BW – or human being period – to willingly expose themselves to poison. And that’s all that sickening video described is.”

    ITA.

    You said, “BW need to FLEE these all black Hell Holes for good and cease associating with (or even coming in proximity with) with those who have anti-BW sentiments. And that means limiting contact with most BM and many BW who are BM identified these days.”

    ITA. And they need to do so with a quickness. Before the general population (and its political leadership) gets tired of having AA criminals, violence and chaos spilling out from Black residential areas—and decides to put up peace walls and other physical barriers around Black neighborhoods. After the peace walls eventually go up (and they will, mark my words), those BW who squandered their chance to flee will literally be trapped within violent AA neighborhoods during the nights. After the peace walls go up, WM-dominated law enforcement will STOP risking their lives to actively police Black residential areas. They will simply patrol the perimeter around the peace walls to ensure that the AA residents stay INSIDE their hellholes at night.

    Bottom line: AA women better recognize that this is their last chance to escape Black residential hellholes and dangerous AA social gatherings (that are filled with violent predators and the lunatics who approve of violence against BW).
    ____________________________________________

    Faith,

    You said, “I’ve also seen the effects of these conversations taking root even on some of the entertainment-related blogs.”

    It’s good to hear that!

    You said, “That horrid show you mentioned is the creation from the mind of Tyler Perry.”

    Why am I not surprised? Feh!

    You said, “While I cringe every time I see a commercial I also know that unless others are willing and able to step forward to offer something of substance it leaves rooms for the likes of Perry and worse. I’m still mad about the way he took control of “For Colored Girls…”

    Yes, AA women are going to have to learn how to make sure we’re the ones who control and profit from our creative works.

    You said, “Meanwhile ELLE magazine decided to put Gabby Sidibe on the Oct cover (which could have been a perk) only to make her look as unattractive as possible – on purpose of course!”

    Again, I’m not surprised. This is part of why I never hopped on the “Gabby’s big and beautiful—go Gabby—Gabby should be lifted up and promoted”-bandwagon. I could see how her unflattering image would be used as a weapon against BW’s rise. And from what you’ve described of the Elle magazine cover, that’s exactly what’s happening.
    ___________________________________________

    JoyousNerd,

    Your comment made perfect sense to me. 🙂

    In fact, you blew me away when you said, “I wonder to what degree these videos are made to be propaganda. They certainly provide a sounding board for the BM-protectionists and their lapdogs to give the “rules” once more… to list the many regulations we BW have to meet or else face the consequences.”

    This angle hadn’t occurred to me. This is exactly what’s up with these videos. To borrow a concept from systems theory, The Purpose of a System Is What It Does (POSIWID).

    POSIWID (the purpose of the system is what it does) is a way of thinking about complex systems, giving us a different perspective on a range of social and political issues. When we understand the complex loops that maintain the status quo, we are better equipped to make positive changes in organizations and society.

    The origins of POSIWID thinking
    The term POSIWID was coined by Stafford Beer. It was picked up and developed further in a trio of books written in the 1980s by engineer Bill Livingston.

    Approach
    The POSIWID principle applies a kind of backwards logic to systems thinking – from effects to causes.

    If a complex system produces a given outcome, or if a given outcome emerges from a complex system, then we may assume some purpose linked to this outcome. This is a useful guide for investigation and interpretation. Ignore the official purpose of the system, ignore what the designers and custodians of a system say, and concentrate on its actual behaviour.

    (emphasis added) http://www.squidoo.com/POSIWID

    Violent BM predators and their enablers (including BW lapdogs) don’t have to be involved in a conscious, deliberate conspiracy to act in ways that support one overall system: the escalating violent subjugation of BW within the AA collective—The Purpose of a System Is What It Does (POSIWID). And what these people are doing is enforcing some depraved social rules among those AA women who are misguided enough to remain among them.

    BM predators and their protectors don’t have to be huddled and plotting in a bunker to accomplish the end result you described when you said, “But it does seem to me that these images and the comments that come with them serve to intimidate and threaten black women into doing what black men want or else risk terrible consequences.”

    Well…that’s exactly what’s been happening. On several angles. This didn’t occur to me until you said that. There are a number of AA women who have been conditioned by these videos to accept these attacks as being “normal.” There are others, like the young BW you mentioned, who don’t accept these attacks as “normal,” but have been conditioned to alter their own behavior in hopes of appeasing the (potential) BM predators they encounter.

    Whether people are aware of it or not, there are always some sort of social rules being constantly enforced. The rules cans be contradictory and irrational. But there are always rules. And no matter whether the enforcement is consistent or arbitrary, rules are enforced.

    Sometimes the enforcement is silent and by way of omission (the quiet withdrawal of support from somebody who has run afoul of some social rule). Sometimes the enforcement is blatant. From scanning recent online headlines (I didn’t read the story), Kanye West is whining about how he’s still feeling the pinch from having experienced WM enforcing their social rules about how WW are to be treated. {chuckling} I doubt that Mr. West will be so quick to publicly disrespect a WW ever again. {more chuckling}

    You asked, “How many little girls watched that video over and over, allowing the “inception” to take firm root?”

    This is what makes Black Exploitation Television and 99.99% of AA-produced content (Messence, etc.) so dangerous. The modern cultural “norms” that AA women and girls are being indoctrinated into are increasingly depraved. That’s why it’s essential for AA women to STOP consuming 99.99% of AA-produced content and replace it with life-enhancing materials.

    Expect Success!

  8. ARLYNE says:

    Ten years ago, I started to question the double standard that allows the BM to use the BW’s “attitude and temperament problems” to justify his abandonment, abuse and rejection of BW, but BW blame BM’s shortcomings on racism. The BM is substandard because of racism, and he should get understanding and symphony. Whereas, the BW’s “bad attitudes and other shortcomings” are her problems, and she gets no consideration at all. BM can justify their behavior by blaming BW and WM. I have noticed when the absence of viable BM is discussed, the circumlocution is (1) “let’s look at the reasons why the BM is not viable” (racist WM) and (2) the accusation “what do you perceive as a viable man” (materialistic BW). Ironically, BW blame WM for their dissatisfaction with BM. I think the BW will be free when she can stop seeing BM as virtuous victims and stop seeng WM as evil oppressors. This oversimplification has been a lose-lose-lose situation for the BW. If you notice, the oppressor is “the WM” not WM and WW, but the oppressed is both the BM and BW not the BM against the WM (another double standard). BW allowed themselves to be pulled into the fight, but they have not gotten anything for fighting. This is because fighting is for men!

    When I first tried to raise these questions, I too was shouted down and told that BM have it harder than BW. They said I should just lower my standards, keep fighting white hegemony and be understanding of the BM’s plight. These same BW are quieter now. Some of the ‘nothing but a BM’ BW are looking into IR dating. These same BW would not even think about it five years ago. I am happy to see this shift in “attitude”.

  9. Truth P. says:

    You know what Khadija the “AAcommunity” really has alot of cult like characteristics if you think about it and they really fight to keep us in don’t THEY(we already know who they is).
    I’m only saying this because we make references to drinking koolaid and such so much that it seems to make us desensitized at the fact that AAW really are self sacrificing for this notion of AA comm.They really are drinkin tha kool-aid,smdh.

    I don’t know who this Rick Ross person is at all but when I look at his list of characteristics for cults so many things about the bc and AAW fit perfectly in there.It seems that everything in there relates to the struggles AAW are facing.

    Have a look for yourself http://www.rickross.com/warningsigns.html

    Here’s a few things that stand out to me in regards to AAW specifically

    8.Followers feel they can never be “good enough”.
    2.No tolerance for questions or critical inquiry.
    5.(this can be applied to us)There is no legitimate reason to leave, former followers are always wrong in leaving, negative or even evil.
    6.this also can descibe some of us)Former members often relate the same stories of abuse and reflect a similar pattern of grievances.

    Then they say one of the warning sings of being in a cult
    is”Individual identity, the group, the leader and/or God as distinct and separate categories of existence become increasingly blurred. Instead, in the follower’s mind these identities become substantially and increasingly fused–as that person’s involvement with the group/leader continues and deepens.”
    When the above is stated all I can think of is the black male idolatry many AAW participate in.

    This is why talking with some of these folks doesn’t work and we must flee.This is some cult like stuff going on and there are few sane people that are apart of these cults.They’re out of it.It seems that we are participating in “Psyche work” when dealing with these folks and even one another at times and it can be draining.For this I commend you Khadija, as well as Roslyn, and the other women who try so hard to liberate us.Thanks to all of
    you for your time and sacrifice.You are greatly appreciated!

    sidenote:I am not trying to offend anyone but I fear trying to reason with these folks will cause us to spend all of our precious time conversing and not living a happy life.There are rules in the bc that must be abided by for the sake and livelihood of AAM.In the bc we,women and children,are all but sacrificial lambs.That’s our place in the bc.That’s it and nothing more.

  10. kaikou says:

    I have been at this level of understanding my whole life. Now though as I enter the professional world and of course meeting and interacting with BM. I seriously want suggestions on how to interact in a general sense. I find that many give off an sense that they expect me to want talk to them or make eyes at them etc. (I just don’t do that in general) So I guess what’s the best way that you have found to interact with BM who are a part of your community (professionally). Just keep it to hi’s and goodbye’s? Seriously, this might deter from the point of this post now. What I have been doing is just responding when they have something of interest/offer and that’s pretty much it. Thanks.

    • lafemmenoir says:

      Kaikou wrote: “I seriously want suggestions on how to interact in a general sense. I find that many give off an sense that they expect me to want talk to them or make eyes at them etc. (I just don’t do that in general) So I guess what’s the best way that you have found to interact with BM who are a part of your community (professionally). Just keep it to hi’s and goodbye’s? Seriously, this might deter from the point of this post now. What I have been doing is just responding when they have something of interest/offer and that’s pretty much it.”

      This is what I have done when I have worked with or for BM or BMIF:

      First things first- There is no black solidarity in the work place. NONE.

      Keep repeating this to yourself as a mantra or whatever until it sinks in. You don’t owe other blacks anything, not even race loyalty.

      In dealing with BM:I am always to the point in my interactions with them and I do not make small talk with them EVER. I do not look at them other than a quick glance (try looking at their chins, foreheads, or ears. Yes, I am serious). I do not smile at them, but I also do not frown at them. My face is always neutral. I am cordial, but not friendly. My voice is bubbly/pleasant. In any interaction ALWAYS remain professional, even if the BM tries to “sister-girl” you. He is just trying to get you to let down your guard. DO.NOT.FALL.FOR.IT!

      If you find that you have to work with them on a project or in a team environment, be sure that you are NOT partnered up with them on any aspect of said project, even if this means that you have to step outside of your comfort zone in the skills area (You WILL be happy that you did this as I have seen several BW thrown under the bus by underperforming/egotistical BM). If at any time a BM that you work for or with says something out of line to you or implies something untoward about you, IMMEDIATELY make him aware of the fact that his comments/statement are unsolicited and unwelcomed. It is always best to send an e-mail to reiterate the point, this is also useful in case there is EVER a problem in the future between this individual and yourself. Going directly to HR/management the first time, when it isn’t something serious, can backfire on you as you will appear petty and immature(check company protocol on how they expect conflict to be handled to be sure). Also, it is best that you keep your association with other BW in the workplace who are known to associate with BM to a minimum. You will have to treat them like you would a BM. Experience has taught me that BM will use them as weapons against you or to gather information on you. Keep the element of surprise in your court always. This does not mean cut yourself off from others in the office, by the contrary- Make yourself known as a friendly and approachable person who goes the extra mile, that way when, and if the character assassination does start, it will be tough going for them to prove their point. If things breakdown or progress in a negative direction-Go to HR/Management

      DO.NOT.WAIT!!!!!! This will keep you from getting fired along with their silly selves. YOU are the victim, not them. You are the one that needs protection from them. Do not EVER become unprofessional regardless to what is going on. They will be counting on you going “Shatiqua” on them. Do not feed into that.

      All of the above is based on the premise that you were not able to find a position with any other company where you did not have to work closely with BM or MIBW. In the interview process you tend to meet other people on the team (outside of management)so please pay close attention and ask as many friendly probing questions. This is one of the few times that you will have to “get to know your team members” so use the time wisely/productively. Not only are they interviewing you, you are interviewing them. Always keep this in mind, it might save you from misery down the line.

      • Lafemmenoir,

        THANK YOU for the detailed, extremely wise advice you gave to Kaikou!
        +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

        Everybody,

        I would suggest that everyone pay CLOSE attention to what Lafemmenoir said. The career you save could be your own.

        Expect Success!

      • Rhonda says:

        This is off-topic…

        lafemmenoir,

        Do you know that you are using the masculine form of “black” in French? The feminine spelling is noire. The pronunciation is the same; it only makes a difference, is important, when it comes to what is written on the page.

        • lafemmenoir says:

          Thanks. it is actually tid to an e-mail account that I set up and I wasn’t able to get the “proper” variant.

      • Rhonda says:

        I think I’m being the Devil’s Advocate with my comments here today…

        Not to take away from the advice being given here about BM in the workplace in regard to BW, but my experience in the workplace has taught me that white [American] straight women are, at least for me, the greater enemy for black women.

        • Rhonda,

          You said, “I think I’m being the Devil’s Advocate with my comments here today…”

          That’s cool. {smile}

          You said, “Not to take away from the advice being given here about BM in the workplace in regard to BW, but my experience in the workplace has taught me that white [American] straight women are, at least for me, the greater enemy for black women.”

          In my work experiences, the hateration-dysfunctional-“up from the hood”-BW strivers are running even with the Beckys in terms of going out of their way to engage in enemy action against me. Nevertheless, the beat goes on! LOL!

          Expect Success!

  11. kaikou says:

    About Gabby – I agree that I never joined that wagon either, it was looking to be set a flamed. Am kind of surprised that people are shocked. Based on Hollywood standards Ms. Gabby is not attractive and that is even before we factor in race.

    I want to say that the few black men that I have met in the Film industry always seem to love Black Exploitation films.

  12. DeStouet says:

    Khadija said, “More AA women need to understand that the opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference, and the total apathy that comes from indifference. To hate something is to still care DEEPLY about it, and to still invest a LOT of emotional energy into watching it, watching its reactions, and reacting to it.”

    That is what this journey with you ladies, and cutting all my old ties with damaged family members has been about for me. To arrive in a place where I’m NOT concerned in any way –whatsoever– about people, thoughts, books, literature, music, films, art and places that have absolutely nothing to do with me.

    In order to truly do that, I came up with a plan and goals for myself. This way I would know what had to do with me, and what did not. Once I had that all figured out, it was simple to feel indifferent to others.

    The list of plans and goals gave me something to constantly refer back to if I ever found myself getting off track. A reminder if you will, to stay on MY path.

    It’s true when you are so concerned with making progress in your own life that you truly do not feel anything for others. Maybe a bit of compassion here or there. Empathy. Joy for when someone finally succeeds in an area they were once struggling in. A sense of pride for your children…things of that nature. But not very many things are on my radar.

    Secretly, I envision myself to be a ninja. My primary job is to guard my spirit, but if need be, I also know how to defend myself from anyone whose intention is to cause me harm.

    I don’t hold any hate in my heart for black men, or any of my damaged family members. I just don’t feel much of anything. As a part of my legacy, I want to be able to leave that kind of thinking to my children.

  13. Arlyne,

    You said, “When I first tried to raise these questions, I too was shouted down and told that BM have it harder than BW. They said I should just lower my standards, keep fighting white hegemony and be understanding of the BM’s plight. These same BW are quieter now. Some of the ‘nothing but a BM’ BW are looking into IR dating. These same BW would not even think about it five years ago. I am happy to see this shift in “attitude”.”

    Me too. Let me repeat some observations I mentioned over at Faith’s house (Acts of Faith in Love & Life) a while ago:

    I’m seeing the BW’s empowerment message being embraced (at least in part) on a number of BW’s blogs that had previously been dead-set against the idea. It’s been amusing to watch the online “conversation comfort zone” in which several rabid and known “Ikettes” operate get smaller and smaller.

    What the “Ikettes” and their Internet Ike Turner-puppetmasters don’t realize is that AA men’s ongoing failures and DBR behavior is the greatest and the most successful “recruiting sergeant” ever for spreading the BWE message. Damaged Beyond Repair AA males are inadvertently proving the truth of the BWE analysis of AA women’s situation by their behavior!

    And by their ongoing refusal to protect and provide for BW and children, AA men in general are burning their bridges with ever-increasing numbers of AA women. [Including the BW who previously felt politically obligated to support them.]

    . . . It was the series of deeply selfish, DBR-type comments from so-called “conscious brothers” at a “Black Love/Black Unity” blog that ultimately pushed me all the way OUT of Black Nationalist ideology. [And I had previously believed in that ideology since college.]

    The things these so-called “conscious brothers” said on that and other “Black love” blogs shocked me into the realization that the masses of AA males will NEVER protect and provide for BW and children—BW are on their own, and need to act accordingly.

    ____________________________________________

    TruthP.,

    Thanks for the link; it was very interesting. What especially caught my attention as relates to AA women and their idol-worship of BM was the part that said:

    Ten warning signs regarding people involved in/with a potentially unsafe group/leader.

    6. Hyperactivity centered on the group/leader agenda [Khadija speaking: substitute “Black men” here], which seems to supercede any personal goals or individual interests.

    9. Anything the group/leader [Khadija speaking: substitute “Black men” here] does can be justified no matter how harsh or harmful.

    You said, “You know what Khadija the “AAcommunity” really has alot of cult like characteristics if you think about it and they really fight to keep us in don’t THEY(we already know who they is).”

    Oh yeah, because they know that AA women are the ONLY resource they have. Once a critical mass of AA women stop propping them up, it’s OVER for them.

    You said, “This is why talking with some of these folks doesn’t work and we must flee.This is some cult like stuff going on and there are few sane people that are apart of these cults.”

    That’s why more AA women need to STOP falling for that “We need to talk, we need to talk” scam and instead, MOVE ON.
    ___________________________________________

    Kaikou,

    You asked, “So I guess what’s the best way that you have found to interact with BM who are a part of your community (professionally). Just keep it to hi’s and goodbye’s? Seriously, this might deter from the point of this post now. What I have been doing is just responding when they have something of interest/offer and that’s pretty much it.”

    For me, it’s very simple with BM coworkers. I respond ONLY to whatever extent any particular BM has extended himself to interact with me. If he speaks and says “Hi,” then I’ll speak in return and say “hi.” If he doesn’t speak first to give me a greeting, then I don’t speak.

    I mirror what he does first. If he says “good morning,” then I say “good morning” in response. If he takes it a step further to ask how I’m doing, I’ll answer the question and then ask him how he’s doing. Whatever the level of interaction is, I WON’T do it unless and until the BM does it for me FIRST.

    You said, “About Gabby – I agree that I never joined that wagon either, it was looking to be set a flamed. Am kind of surprised that people are shocked.”

    I don’t think anybody who participates in the conversations here is shocked. But overall, too many AAs are naive. Here’s a link to an article that features Ms. Sidibe’s Elle cover. {long sigh} http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2010/09/10/gabourey-sidibe-is-an-elle-covergirl/

    Expect Success!

    • YMB says:

      OH.MY.GOD. That cover is a disgrace, especially in light of the other 3 covers showing white actresses photographed alluringly and stylishly. It reminds me of some underwear commercial I saw where the white women were all typical thin models, although they were spouting various self-acceptance tidbits. The last model shown was an overweight BW in granny panties because who else to be the poster child for fat acceptance?

      • YMB,

        You said, “The last model shown was an overweight BW in granny panties because who else to be the poster child for fat acceptance?”

        Exactly! Too many AA women fail to realize that this “big and beautiful/fat acceptance” stuff is intended to be—and operates as—a TRAP in terms of AA women. (Remember, The Purpose of a System Is What It Does.)

        Here’s a blog post about that horrible cover (which I believe was done deliberately). http://jezebel.com/5635101/gabby-sidibes-elle-cover-is-another-reason-why-black-fashion-directors-are-necessary

        Expect Success!

        • shocol says:

          Just looking at that cover, I absolutely believe it was done deliberately. I can’t remember the last time, if ever, I’ve seen a magazine cover that leaves so little white space. Gabby takes up practically the entire cover. Normally, these covers are a masterpiece of Photoshop, with even the tiniest perceived imperfections removed. Not this one, it’s all Gabby from edge to edge and top to bottom. Unbelievable.

          I also believe that this was done deliberately to Jennifer Hudson’s Vogue cover. I think she’s a beautiful woman but the cover shot made her look very ungraceful.

      • ak says:

        Ha ha ha ha!

  14. tertiaryanna says:

    “They also spent a lot of time discussing and debating the “reasons” the predator-enablers gave for this attack, the bystanders’ inaction, and African-American men’s overall disregard for Black women.”

    This is a tactic used to create a sense of control in a situation where the speakers are powerless and this situation can’t be undone. I’m not comparing watching a video to being the victim of a tragic event, BUT. Have you noticed how, when a person is struck by a tragedy, that individual will repeatedly analyze what happened and what led up to it? They relentlessly second-guess themselves and their choices.

    This happens (IMO) because people want to feel that their world is a safe place with people who share their values and rules of engagement. I think that viewpoint is based in a healthy desire to be in a wholesome environment.

    The problem is that this desire may blind people to the reality that their environment is not wholesome at all. So people assume since nothing bad has happened to them, the environment is good. That’s why there’s so much discussion about what this person is wearing. By addressing the clothes, it allows the viewers to see themselves as different from the woman who was attacked. They don’t realize that it’s not the clothes, but the presence of the woman herself that caused this problem.

    When people make that assumption that their environment is good because they haven’t been harmed personally, what they miss that their concept of what “bad” means isn’t defined by an internal set of values. Instead, it’s defined by what their environment teaches them. A life-draining environment will teach them that life-draining isn’t bad. It only registers as bad when it goes beyond life-draining to life-taking.

    When that veneer of safety is cracked, there are a few things that happen:

    * people see through that crack, into the truth of their environment. They see they’re in “the Matrix”.

    * people see that there is a crack and try to fix the crack. I think these might be the Sister Soldiers. They want to make things better, but their focusing on the wrong target. This makes them well-intentioned, but highly dangerous.

    * people see there’s a crack, want fix it, but don’t want to do the work. These people have no control, but want it desperately. So they talk about inconsequential issues. These are deeply satisfying conversations because they take a lot of energy and time, so they make you feel like you’ve done work.

    But they’re conversations that don’t generate solutions, so no one is forced to actually take action. Also, if a person can make a pretty argument, they do get validation, and so it’s easy to get seduced by the sound of one’s own voice. This whole thing can quickly turn into a trap if the BW never realizes that all she is doing is talking and not taking action for herself.

  15. tertiaryanna says:

    Khadija,

    Eid Mubarak! 🙂

  16. DeStouet,

    THANK YOU for your testimony. What you described is the whole point of this blog—to encourage more AA women to fill up their lives with an abundance of GOOD things!

    It’s impossible to fill up one’s life with nurturing and fulfilling people and experiences when it’s jam-packed with vampires and poison! Two things can’t occupy the same space at the same time. Every yucky person or thing that we allow to take up space in our hearts, minds, and lives is blocking a slot that could be filled by someone/something better! This applies across the board.

    Ladies, you’ll find (as DeStouet has found—Alhamdulilaah—praise God!) that when you fill up your life with life-enhancing people and experiences, there’s NO mental energy or time left over for paying any attention to toxic people or things.

    After you’ve fully made the conversion over to only dealing with life-giving situations, you’ll find that you no longer have to make an effort to tune out negativity—there’s simply NO space left over for toxic people or things in your attention or life.

    This is what I’ve experienced in the areas of life where I’ve completed my conversion over to only being involved with life-enhancing things. So, it’s been a while since I’ve had to actually struggle with detoxing from negative material. I don’t read it; I don’t watch it; I don’t listen to it. And ever since I completed the conversion—I DON’T miss it! 🙂

    What I’m working toward, and greatly looking forward to, is to make a similar conversion in my livelihood. The Buddhists are on to something important when they talk about one of their Noble Truths, Right Livelihood:

    Vietnamese Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh wrote,

    “To practice Right Livelihood (samyag ajiva), you have to find a way to earn your living without transgressing your ideals of love and compassion. The way you support yourself can be an expression of your deepest self, or it can be a source of suffering for you and others. ” … Our vocation can nourish our understanding and compassion, or erode them. We should be awake to the consequences, far and near, of the way we earn our living.” (The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching [Parallax Press, 1998], p. 104)

    http://buddhism.about.com/od/theeightfoldpath/a/rightlivelihood.htm

    I refuse to accept spending much more time doing work that contributes very little to me except money. Even in the midst of economic crisis, there has to be a better way. Other people, like Podcast Answer Man, have found better ways. God willing, I will also. 🙂

    Expect Success!

  17. YMB says:

    ITA with Joyousnerd’s comments. I also want to add that these videos serve as normalizing propaganda to everyone, not just AA women. It demonstrates to BM and to non-whites that in the AA community it is an accepted form of “entertainment” for BM to harass and assault BW and that they do not have to fear anyone coming to intervene or to condemn BM for their appalling actions because BW have no defenders.

    That is a sad fact, and a bitter pill to swallow. I can see why many AA women reject such a realization, but it’s the only way to a healthy and safe existence. BW should take a hint from how wider society deals with pedophiles. No one indulges pedophiles in a discussion about how they were likely victims themselves, have a sickness, or whatever other reason/excuse they have for why they like to molest and rape children. What is focused on is how society can ensure that everyone knows who and what they are and that they be denied access to potential victims even after they get out of prison. Likewise, BW need to digest that many BM enjoy demeaning, harassing, assaulting, beating, and killing BW, that they will do so no matter what BW do to appease them, and that even BM who do not engage in such behaviors will rationalize and defend those who do. They should stop wasting their breath talking and use it to run fast and far away.

  18. Tertiaryanna,

    I 100% cosign. I think you’re right in your description of the mental/psychological processes that are involved in all of this.

    You said, “By addressing the clothes, it allows the viewers to see themselves as different from the woman who was attacked. They don’t realize that it’s not the clothes, but the presence of the woman herself that caused this problem.”

    Exactly. This unfortunate woman’s physical presence among predators and predator-enablers is a problem. It’s similar to a human trying to “tiptoe through the tulips” in the hyena cage at a zoo. They’ll be torn to pieces by the pack.

    You said, “When people make that assumption that their environment is good because they haven’t been harmed personally, what they miss that their concept of what “bad” means isn’t defined by an internal set of values. Instead, it’s defined by what their environment teaches them. A life-draining environment will teach them that life-draining isn’t bad. It only registers as bad when it goes beyond life-draining to life-taking.”

    Lord have mercy. Chilling, but true. And in terms of the life-taking Black residential areas, many AAs will try to discourage any BW from escaping by telling her that “there’s crime everywhere.” Yes, there’s some level of crime everywhere. But NOT the level of violent, murderous crime that goes on in Black residential areas—most other Americans are NOT living like that. They won’t stand for it; and they don’t protect criminals like AAs do.

    You said, “* people see there’s a crack, want fix it, but don’t want to do the work. These people have no control, but want it desperately. So they talk about inconsequential issues. These are deeply satisfying conversations because they take a lot of energy and time, so they make you feel like you’ve done work.

    But they’re conversations that don’t generate solutions, so no one is forced to actually take action. Also, if a person can make a pretty argument, they do get validation, and so it’s easy to get seduced by the sound of one’s own voice.”

    A perfect description of Black talk radio, most AA blogs, most (posturing) AA male activists, and most (nominally) AA organizations. Plenty of talk, no action. And the talk is never connected to actionable information.

    Expect Success!

  19. kaikou says:

    Khadjida- Took a look at the first link for Gabby, the comment section speaks volumes. I only read like 5 comments because they were absolutely sickening. Reading the 2nd link the author talks of how she jumped out of her chair at the thought of Gabby being on the cover. This is what I question: why jump out of your seat? Why race to see the cover of a magazine that rarely celebrates you to begin with, only to be disappointed. It is like the whole Halle Berry being on some cover Vogue or W, as the first black woman. I am all for rallying for my girls but these actions seem just as faulty to me as the “conversations” that you mention. They have just been put there to side track us, in my opinion. I have yet to see anything productive and/or tangible come out of a mag cover of a blk woman. What are your thoughts?

    Thank you for your insight on working professionally. I have basically been following the same principle. I have been feeling a level of uneasiness though, because it seems like that has increased the attention or attempts at attention to where I am starting to feel uncomfortable. Is it definitely something you have to get use to?

  20. lafemmenoir says:

    I like DeSouet’s “ninja” character-trained to hide in plain sight, to withstand the intolerable, disseminate information, and be successful in their mission above all else. Clever choice.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I am not familiar with the video you mentioned, but even if it had been sent to me I would not have viewed it. I am not into pain porn (nor deprecation) nor do I promote it or support those that do (I have never seen the movie Precious…I refuse to). To be totally honest, each one of us has had enough of our own pain to deal with and if we are serious about the “path”, there will be more in store I am sure, so it is best to save your reserves for yourself, not some imaginary character being used to remind you of how the world sees you- fat, ugly, uneducated, and unloveable (again, I didn’t see the movie, but I already knew the message). Your reserves will help you push past this nonsense, but not if you have used them up on nonissues. Success is the best revenge.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The purpose of a system is what it does…
    Does this mean that perhaps the true purpose of this BC system was to keep the people entrapped, since that is what it does (quite successfully). Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean that we have to accept it. Reality can be what you make of it and in a perfect world we would dismantle it and start over again, but the foundation is firmly fixed and the carpenters “admire” their misshapen handiwork, so much so that they would just as well kill you, than to see harm come to their construct. So we must start anew, elsewhere, leaving behind the worshippers of said construct, and like the book of Lot(Lut), never looking back, lest we turn into a pillar of salt…

    The purpose of the system is what it does…
    Too often we allow ourselves to be distracted by the minute and miss the big picture altogether. As I have stated before, I think that sometimes this is done intentionally because we don’t want to see the big picture because by seeing the big picture we can no longer live in denial and now we must deal with the issue at hand, no matter how painful. No one likes pain or negativity, but in ignoring the pain, we allow symptoms to grow out of control to the point where they are no longer manageable. The cure only works if you catch the problem in time…

    Excising the cancer…
    Talk? No, that shipped sailed more than 4 decades ago. It is now time for us to go our own ways and exist separately. Perhaps some time on your own will help you to grow and to stop depending on me for all of your needs. Now you can’t use the excuse that “I won’t let you be a man” because I won’t be around for you to scapegoat anymore. It’s whats best for the “community”.

    The purpose of the system is what it does…
    To throw cold water on your face and shock you awake from your culturally-induce coma. To embolden you to take your life into your own hands and stop waiting for someone to come and save you. Realize this and move on, quickly because there isn’t much time left, the safety walls are currently on order and set for construction shortly.

    The purpose of the system is what it does…
    The sojourners path is a system, sage advice, encouragement, and a set of principles outlined to free you from a your negative social construct and set you on a path to self-fulfillment and personal happiness, should you so choose.

    The purpose of a system IS what it does…

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    As an aside- I would reconsider ties to someone who would peddle garbage my way, for whatever reason. I had a “friend” do the same thing with a video on why BW were single. She was looking for me to amen what the guy was saying and I was horrified at her support, to say the least. I never would have believed in a million years that she was an Ikette, but that video proved that she was (she argued in support of the very misogynistic video and was angry that I didn’t support it). Be they family or friends, you must be willing to limit their access to you or cut them out of your lives. Otherwise, we are just talking, aren’t we? All talk and no action…

  21. YMB,

    You said, “They should stop wasting their breath talking and use it to run fast and far away.”

    Indeed.
    ___________________________________________________

    Kaikou,

    You said, “Took a look at the first link for Gabby, the comment section speaks volumes. I only read like 5 comments because they were absolutely sickening.”

    That was to be expected. Online misogynists (of all sorts) will say venomous things about WW actresses. It’s not surprising that they would go all out in saying hateful things about that horrid photo of Gabby.

    You said, “Reading the 2nd link the author talks of how she jumped out of her chair at the thought of Gabby being on the cover. This is what I question: why jump out of your seat? Why race to see the cover of a magazine that rarely celebrates you to begin with, only to be disappointed.”

    This is an example of Black folks choosing to be what Evia refers to as “perpetually surprised.”

    You said,“I am all for rallying for my girls but these actions seem just as faulty to me as the “conversations” that you mention. They have just been put there to side track us, in my opinion. I have yet to see anything productive and/or tangible come out of a mag cover of a blk woman. What are your thoughts?”

    Some major human achievements are in the realm of ideas, as opposed to tangible things. Ideas like the separation of church and state; the fact that most modern humans no longer view slavery as acceptable; and so on. Ideas can have serious, tangible consequences.

    In terms of AA women, there have been some ideas being promoted that have been very helpful, and (unfortunately far more) other ideas being promoted that have been extremely detrimental.

    One of the very few unqualified good things about Pres. Obama being elected has been White men promoting the idea that a “typical”-looking BW such as Mrs. Obama can be—and IS—perceived by non-BM as beautiful and glamorous. WM in the media and elsewhere publicly crushing on how Mrs. Obama is glamorous has been VERY helpful to BW’s overall interests.

    This particular idea (that a “typical,” dark-skinned, NON-“mixed”-looking, NON-“exotic” BW can be beautiful and glamorous) has been very helpful in other BW’s efforts to position themselves better.

    As I mentioned in an earlier post,

    This is because most men of color on this planet take their cues in assessing women’s desirability from White men. In terms of raw power, White men are the dominant men on this planet. Whatever White men feel is desirable, other men will follow their lead and buy into that belief.

    African-American males are generally followers on this planet. They are not the dominant, Alpha males on this planet who get to decide which groups of women are considered attractive. Black men take their lead from the dominant White men. Whoever the dominant White men feel is attractive (White women and Asian women in general, and individual Black women), many Black men will follow their lead and parrot whatever these dominant White men say about these women. For example, I didn’t start hearing many African-American men saying that the dark-skinned Mrs. Obama is attractive until after the White media and White men were publicly talking about how she’s glamorous and reminiscent of Jacqueline Kennedy.

    When more dominant, powerful, Alpha-male White men marry Black women, then Black men will stop slandering Black women. Either out of their habit of taking their cues from White men, or out of fear of offending this emerging critical mass of White men who view Black women attractive and desirable.

    More and more individual African-American women living well by being married to quality men is the long-term solution to most of African-American women’s collective problems.

    So, any idea that promotes a typical-looking AA woman as being beautiful and glamorous wife material is important in terms of moving BW forward. I recall being pleased overall with what I saw in the all-Black issue of Italian Vogue.
    _________________________________

    Lafemmenoir,

    You said, “I am not into pain porn (nor deprecation)…”

    I feel the same way.

    You said, “Does this mean that perhaps the true purpose of this BC system was to keep the people entrapped, since that is what it does (quite successfully).”

    At this point, YES.

    You said, “Reality can be what you make of it and in a perfect world we would dismantle it and start over again, but the foundation is firmly fixed and the carpenters “admire” their misshapen handiwork, so much so that they would just as well kill you, than to see harm come to their construct. So we must start anew, elsewhere, leaving behind the worshippers of said construct, and like the book of Lot(Lut), never looking back, lest we turn into a pillar of salt…”

    ITA.

    You said, “The cure only works if you catch the problem in time…”

    Too true.

    You said, “The purpose of the system is what it does…
    To throw cold water on your face and shock you awake from your culturally-induce coma. To embolden you to take your life into your own hands and stop waiting for someone to come and save you. Realize this and move on, quickly because there isn’t much time left, the safety walls are currently on order and set for construction shortly.”

    Yes, indeed. The peace/safety walls are on order and construction will begin soon.

    You said, “The purpose of the system is what it does…
    The sojourners path is a system, sage advice, encouragement, and a set of principles outlined to free you from a your negative social construct and set you on a path to self-fulfillment and personal happiness, should you so choose.”

    Yes, the sojourners path is a passport to a better life.

    You said, “Be they family or friends, you must be willing to limit their access to you or cut them out of your lives. Otherwise, we are just talking, aren’t we? All talk and no action…”

    Indeed…

    Expect Success!

  22. Let me explain why I’m taking a minor detour to talk about Ms. Sidibe’s Elle cover.

    I’m talking about this because this particular end result was predictable—it was absolutely predictable that Ms. Sidibe would continue to be used as a weapon to undermine BW’s public image as DESIRABLE, WIFE-MATERIAL women. More AA women should have seen this coming, instead of being disappointed and “perpetually surprised” by what Elle magazine did.

    Ms. Sidibe being tossed out into the public eye was a trap. A trap that most AA fell for. We never should have rallied around her being put in the public eye. This episode reminds me of how too many AA women made the mistake of giving knee-jerk support to Caster Semenya. We didn’t pause to consider how rallying around that individual affected our MASS public image.

    As I’ve mentioned in earlier comments above, perception has tangible, serious consequences. Either something is helping AA women move forward as being perceived as feminine, beautiful WIFE MATERIAL for this planet’s Alpha men; OR it’s holding us back. Too many AA women rally around images and people who are holding us back from having a general image of being feminine, beautiful wife material. From the beginning, I had similar feelings about the “rally around Gabby” knee-jerk reaction as I did about the “rally around Caster Semenya” knee-jerk reaction from many AA women. In both cases, this rallying around was a HUGE mistake. At the time, I said the following about the Caster Semenya controversy,

    I respectfully disagree. I believe that BW are making a HUGE long-term, strategic mistake by rallying around this individual with indignant tones of “How dare anybody question her gender?”

    We’re saying this as if this person is an accurate representation of Black womanhood. Is THIS individual somebody that we want to scream about and lift up as “ain’t she a woman, darn it?”

    I believe that by taking this posture, we are yet again undermining the image of BW as being desirable and feminine.

    A woman can be cut and muscular and still have a feminine shape, as we’ve seen with many other female athletes. That’s not what’s going on here.

    I’ve looked at the pictures of this individual’s physique. There’s NOTHING womanly about her. Including her moustache. I DON’T want this individual lifted up as any sort of example of Black womanhood. I’m NOT claiming this aberrant individual as an example of Black womanhood. “She” doesn’t have anything to do with me and other actual, normal women.

    Again, I think it’s a huge mistake for us to run around claiming this person is a “normal” BW. By doing so, we are cooperating with the idea that we aren’t women just like other women on the planet.

    I believe that she’s intersexed or has some other abnormality (genetic abnormality, something causing high testosterone levels, etc.).

    And no, it’s not “fair and square” for intersexed individuals or others with abnormally high testosterone levels or other male attributes to compete against normal women with normal levels of male hormones, etc. This is exactly the same unfair advantage that the East Germans and Soviets sought for their “female” athletes in previous eras. The East Germans and Soviets were cheating then by doing this. It’s still cheating now to use genetic non-women against women competitors.

    Intersexed individuals need to compete against the other athletes***meaning MEN***who have comparable levels of male hormones, and other male attributes, etc. That is what would be fair as far as I’m concerned.

    Compassion, and a desire for fair play are beautiful things. However, the world is NOT fair. And we either act in ways that support our own interests in the real world as it exists right now, or we continue to inadvertently cut our own throats by supporting and emphasizing the wrong ideas and the wrong people.

    Expect Success!

    • YMB says:

      Exactly, I thought it was beyond warped when some black woman’s magazine featured Caster Semanya on its cover. There was absolutely no feminine aspect to that individual.

      It’s a shame that the majority of AA women are so concerned with being inclusive and fair to others that they’ve become willing accomplices in pushing themselves to the sidelines, except for when it comes to depictions of the obese, the ignorant, the depraved, or the freakish. When desirable images of BW are presented, the majority of the time it is biracial and/or Latina women being shown. I have seen plenty of loud, déclassé, overweight, and unattractive mixed race women, yet none of those women get tapped to fill such roles in cinema or TV.

    • YMB says:

      I wanted to add that this last aspect was on my mind after reading another article on the site where that article about GB’s Elle cover was originally posted. The gist of the article was basically to take BW readers to task for questioning the website’s prominently featuring biracial/multiracial and latina women like Zoe Saldana when the target audience is black women.

      Khadija, I am so grateful to you for pointing out this pattern in previous posts. It is now so easy for me to see through the standard “hating on/jealous” and “we must be inclusive” bullpucky arguments.

    • Rhonda says:

      I think that GB’s being put out there as a beauty-standard for black women can work to our advantage on an individual basis. And, no, I am not one who has jumped on the so-called positive message bandwagon that we should see the beauty in a woman who is shaped like a whale.

      The truth be told is that the majority of non-celebrity black women look a helluva lot better, more attractive, than GB. The other three covers for Elle magazine’s 25th anniversary issue feature slim-to-skinny, attractive white women; most non-celebrity white women do not look as good as those featured girls.

      I live in San Francisco, and we get lots of tourists visiting this city from all over the world, and lots from the U.S. I am out and about io San Francisco’s streets; I see lots of these tourists daily. My non-scientific observational study reveals the following: When compared to the many Europeans and Japanese who visit here, the Americans (most of whom are white) are fat and sloppy-looking (Americans sure do dress like s***) and unattractive. I see way too many American [white] women who are the same size as, or only slightly smaller than, GB. Their husbands and their kids/teenagers are fat, too.

      Remember: Men (except for some gays) don’t give a flyin’ fajita about who is on the cover of a women’s magazine.

      If the media’s push of the pinnacle of beauty for black women is GB, then, on an individual basis, when a non-black man meets one of us, you, if he has subconciously absorbed that message sent to him by the media, then the fact that most of us, you, look better than GB (or women like her) will contradict that message, because men are visual, and he cannot dispute what is right there in front of his eyes, regardless of the messages that have been sent to him about black women. You see, it is quite easy for the average black woman to exceed, by leaps and bounds, the ideal of beauty that is GB. Now, for the white chicks, well, they’ve got to compete with the photo-shopped, diet until you starve yourself, plastic surgeon derived beauty standards of the three other white women who are featured on Elle’s cover. For the average white American woman, only a small percentage of that demographic can ever come close. If a man has it in his mind that what those white women look like is the ideal, and given that the majority of them are not it, well, then she has lost before she has started.

      Have I made any sense? Oh, well, I just wanted to toss another way of looking at this into the pot. Anybody, please feel free to take me to task if what I’ve written supports a negative, unfeminine, unattractive image of black women.

      Thanks.

      • Rhonda,

        I’m happy to read your comment; I was hoping that somebody would create a natural opening for me to take the conversation about Gabby’s Elle cover to another level! THANK YOU for doing so! 🙂

        I generally agree with your comments. What few differences exist are more a matter of different nuances and points of emphasis. [Not that anybody is required to be in agreement. Disagreement about the means of AA women enjoying abundant lives is cool. I only draw the line at people who disagree about the very goal of AA women having abundant life.]

        I’ll summarize how I feel:

        I agree with you that any individual AA woman’s fate is mostly in her own hands. There’s nothing stopping any individual AA woman from coming with her A-game in terms of self-presentation. And yes, the “typical” AA woman—who makes an effort to have an attractive self-presentation—looks a LOT better than GS. (Or the other inappropriate AA women who are thrust in front of the public eye.)

        I want to emphasize that I’m NOT wringing my hands about the GS cover. I’m pointing this out as an overall strategy lesson about “compassion traps.”

        Typical quality men (much less powerful, Alpha men) generally don’t see “beauty in a woman who is shaped like a whale.” Being overweight/obese reduces a woman’s chances of securing a quality husband. Any woman who claims not to understand that is tripping, and fooling herself. So, it’s an act of sabotage for anybody to promote this “big and beautiful” mess among AA women. Regardless of how well-intentioned they may be.

        Folks will be angry with me for saying this, but this is how I feel—I DON’T have much empathy for GS about her messed-up Elle cover. That’s what she gets for stepping out into the limelight TOTALLY unprepared. Entertainment is a dog-eat-dog industry.

        This is another reason why I was annoyed with the “rally around Gabby” pep rallies. It’s cruel to support sending folks out into certain arenas that they are totally unprepared for. Those “go Gabby” folks encouraged an unprepared, morbidly obese lamb to go into the slaughterhouse of the entertainment industry. As is. In a condition that makes her, according to that industry’s widely-known standards, totally unfit for anything except the most freakish and demeaning roles.

        Expect Success!

      • tertiaryanna says:

        “I think that GB’s being put out there as a beauty-standard for black women can work to our advantage on an individual basis…
        The truth be told is that the majority of non-celebrity black women look a helluva lot better, more attractive, than GB.”

        I’m not so sure, here’s why:

        When someone who has typically denigrated you offers you up an example, the first question I have is “why do they want me to follow this example?” The key point here is that I’m supposed to be following their lead, and the example is taking me there. I believe this example is the cheese for a trap. The fact that most BW look better is a side issue for me.

        I worry that the trap here is that if this is who is held up as a prize, it’s meant to show what BW aspire to look like.

        Most people don’t look at magazine models as examples of what not to do, and few people want to admit that the beauty industry uses racist imagery both carelessly and deliberately. However, most people are aware that models shape how women see themselves, and dictate how we want to appear. This is a major discussion point about media and women/girls, especially in the White community. [Maybe not in the minority communities because most magazines don’t feature enough non-White models to generate enough critique how those particular women shape the views of their same-race readers.]

        So the idea is that what’s put out there for us to view is what we value.

        So I wonder if this doesn’t reinforce the message that BW have low standards for themselves. Or that, at our best, this is what we’re capable of becoming.

        Also, her demeanor is very unpolished, and this is what’s broadcast about her. Even if she lost all the weight, she’s shown to conduct herself in an unattractive way. She’s not described like a Beth Ditto-esque l’enfant terrible, but like someone who got cleaned up, but only on the surface.

        I wonder if this is another example of saying BW aren’t able to be that perfect woman. That somewhere, there’s a problem, and that we don’t even see them as problems, but as prizes. So even if someone doesn’t form an idea of who we are, this is used to form an idea of who we want to become.

        This is the same issue I have with pathology porn: it tells the world that this is what we value, and we’ll get there if we can.

        The whole Precious thing left a sour taste in my mouth and I look at anything associated to it with deep suspicion.

  23. Felicia says:

    lafemmenoir and Khadija,

    I agree with these latest comments of yours 1000% percent. Excellent observations.

  24. Valerie says:

    Khadija, as usual you have made some excellent points. Debating on why black men do this and that, is a waste of time, energy and your life. Jill Scots debating and wincing, will not do anything anymore. Black women have to love themselves as their neighbours and once they do that, they will be fine, it would be hard and first, it is like breaking from a habit.

    Unfortunately there is still too much black male worshipping and the worshippers are still left high and dry because black males are mortal and they are not perfect. Gods who are not perfect always fail us. We can only help those who want to be help and while you are helping those, you have to make sure that they are not pulling you down at the same time. If you find that they are pulling you have to let them go, whatever financial or energy you are putting into them, stop it immediately, because you can go around the same circle and still be lost.

    Thank you very much

  25. Magenta says:

    I hope I am not veering too off topic, but some of the issues discussed in the comments (changing your environment and avoiding DBRs at all costs) made me think of a situation at work. I was cordial with a couple BW who seemed nice and friendly, when something happened that shocked me. We were sitting around during lunch talking about celebs and Chris Brown came up. To my horror, these BW expressed vigorous support for him and said how Rhianna had it coming. They then repeated internet rumors about her infecting him with a sexually transmitted disease and how she probably provoked the altercation because “you know those Island women have attitudes.”

    I was truly horrified. I want to make clear that these were not “ghetto”, underclass BW. They were articulate, ranged in age from early twenties to late forties (the latter has a son of her own! I shudder to think what value system she is teaching him) and all claimed to be very religious. When “mainstream” blacks have such disturbing viewpoints, then you know that the collective is toast. I did not argue or debate with them, I just quietly pretended to be looking at some reports and quickly went back to work. I have no desire in associating with these individuals any longer. At first I thought I was being silly, but reading your post reminds me I made the right decision. What made the situation even more pathetic was that these same women said they could never “forgive” Alicia Keys and Fantasia after learning of their involvement with married men. While I do not condone adultery, I found it odd how they could be so forgiving of someone beating someone to a pulp and not show the same “forgiveness” to these women.

    So that’s all you have to know about BM identified BW. In their world, BM are the only ones deserving of protection, understanding, compassion, forgiveness, etc. Like I said I have no idea with association with these women and now I try to pretend I am busy. It make me angry that more and more experiences with other black people result in attempted “inception” of DBR ideologies. I find my self spending less time on black blogs, social settings, etc.

  26. Shocol,

    You said, “Just looking at that cover, I absolutely believe it was done deliberately.”

    Oh, yeah.

    You said, “I can’t remember the last time, if ever, I’ve seen a magazine cover that leaves so little white space. Gabby takes up practically the entire cover.”

    I noticed that too.

    You said, “Normally, these covers are a masterpiece of Photoshop, with even the tiniest perceived imperfections removed. Not this one, it’s all Gabby from edge to edge and top to bottom. Unbelievable.”

    I noticed that too. As you observed, these magazines won’t even allow the prettiest of women to be “raw” in any way. Everything, even on the most beautiful women, is smoothed out for those covers. But not for Gabby. They threw her out there “raw” and with messed up lighting settings for the shoot. That cover was crazy on one level, and yet perfectly understandable on another level: Everybody except AA women instinctively knows how to protect their OWN interests.

    I ain’t even mad at the mostly WW who came up with that mess—What’s in it for them to promote ANY non-“mixed,” non-“exotic” BW as desirable? NOTHING.

    What’s in it for WW to deliberately sabotage BW’s imgage? EVERYTHING—doing so helps them reduce the competition for powerful, dominant, Alpha male WM husbands. WW are already watching AW like the Wendy Dengs marry large numbers of eligible, powerful WM. Does anybody seriously believe that WW want to see “typical”, dark-skinned, non-“mixed,” non-“exotic” AA women become the competitive threats that Asian women are?

    Now, WW don’t like to see the light-skinned, so-called “biracial,” so-called “mixed” BW like Halle Berry promoted either. However, for WW, promoting Halle Berry is more tolerable than promoting a non-“mixed” BW. Promoting a half-White BW as beautiful leaves the current perceived beauty hierarchy—with WW on top—firmly in place.
    ______________________________________________

    YMB,

    You said, “Exactly, I thought it was beyond warped when some black woman’s magazine featured Caster Semanya on its cover.”

    Lord have mercy…{shudder}

    You said, “It’s a shame that the majority of AA women are so concerned with being inclusive and fair to others that they’ve become willing accomplices in pushing themselves to the sidelines, except for when it comes to depictions of the obese, the ignorant, the depraved, or the freakish.” (emphasis added)

    If we want to survive and thrive, we MUST break this particular mental habit. Nobody else is worrying about AAs in general, or AA women in particular. Other people are too busy advancing their OWN interests.

    You said, “I wanted to add that this last aspect was on my mind after reading another article on the site where that article about GB’s Elle cover was originally posted. The gist of the article was basically to take BW readers to task for questioning the website’s prominently featuring biracial/multiracial and latina women like Zoe Saldana when the target audience is black women.

    …It is now so easy for me to see through the standard “hating on/jealous” and “we must be inclusive” bullpucky arguments.”

    Yep, on those few occassions when some AA, Black-Black woman wakes up and starts promoting her OWN interests (and those of other BW like herself) it’s uncanny how other people come out of the woodwork to scold her for doing so. Nobody else is scolded for promoting their own interests.

    Ladies, to paraphrase what I Rock I Roll said in a comment to another post: YOU realizing YOUR power is a threat to many, many other women!

    Legions of other women, including the:

    1-“don’t you dare call me Black” so-called “biracials,”

    2-the Cablinasians,

    3-the multiculturals,

    4-the Black Latinas, and so on

    DON’T want to see YOU—with your non-“mixed,” non-“exotic” selves—take up where the Wendy Dengs left off. Remember this when you hear these women trying to scold you for refusing to: (1) include them or (2) continue to put their interests ahead of yours. Just like WW, these women are also heavily vested in the status quo of you being clueless.
    ____________________________________________

    Valerie,

    You’re welcome! I don’t emphasize this angle, but those AA women who continue to engage in idolatry of BM will continue to reap a divine punishment.
    _____________________________________________

    Magenta,

    You said, ” I want to make clear that these were not “ghetto”, underclass BW. They were articulate, ranged in age from early twenties to late forties (the latter has a son of her own! I shudder to think what value system she is teaching him) and all claimed to be very religious. When “mainstream” blacks have such disturbing viewpoints, then you know that the collective is toast.”

    Yep. I heard similar madness in support of the pedophile R.Kelly from other educated, middle class AA women. [You know the drill. “That girl was ‘fast’ and ‘knew what she was doing…etc.”] At first, I made the mistake of arguing with these lunatics. I asked them if it would be okay for some pedophile (or anybody else) to urinate on their heads or their daughters’ heads. I went on to say that I didn’t know the Bible supported the practice of grown men urinating on girls’ heads, and to please direct me to that part of the scripture that says that sort of behavior should be defended. Of course, they were enraged, but they shut up after that.

    You said, “So that’s all you have to know about BM identified BW. In their world, BM are the only ones deserving of protection, understanding, compassion, forgiveness, etc.”

    This is true. And it’s why we must be careful about BM-identified women. These BM-identified BW are content to see other BW get hurt and killed. They are the same as the Arab, Afghan and Pakistani women who support the so-called honor killings of their own daughters and other women’s daughters.

    You said, ” I find my self spending less time on black blogs, social settings, etc.”

    Well, everything that we’ve been talking about here and at the previous blog is the reason why I strongly urge all aspiring sojourners to disconnect from 99.99% of “Black” anything—blogs, social settings, organizations, churches, mosques, etc. And seek out healthier people, places and things in the outer world.

    Expect Success!

    • Magenta says:

      I saw the “we must be inclusive/we are all women of color in this together/mixed chicks and afro-latinas are black too, stop being jealous of us!” nonsense in the discussion YMB is alluding to and I just laughed. While it is not funny, I am just shocked at how some people are still buying into this multiculturalism farce. The multicultural rainbow girls are like clockwork, beating BW over the head with this “women of color” mess when they want street cred, a black acting role, or are on the prowl for a BM to hook up with. And there are still confused BW running to their defense, lecturing others about inclusion??? To call them out on their opportunistic behavior is somehow “divisive”?

      To be honest I can’t blame the rainbow girls. They are just doing what is necessary to stay at the top of the pecking order. Can you imagine what would happen if all the monoracial, “plain”, “regular-looking” BW found their self worth and woke up? These “women of color” don’t want that kind of competition. Again, I am not mad at them. I just want us to be just as shrewd as they are and stop being so naive.

      I really liked your expression “conversations I refuse to have anymore.” It has inspired me to create a list, LOL. The whole thing about we need to be inclusive to women of color and stop hating on them is definitely at the TOP of that list.

      • Magenta,

        I 100% cosign.

        Like I said earlier, I ain’t mad at the:

        *Beckys,
        *off-White Beckys like the Kardashians
        *Lupes,
        *J.Lo-s,
        *Mei Lings,
        *Fatimas (Arabs, Indians-Pakistanis),
        *Gina Torres (Telemundo and Univision are generally NOT checking for her, which is why she’s left to playing roles written for AAs)
        *Zoe Saldanas (ditto about Telemundo and Univision generally not checking for her or women who look Black like her)
        *Alicia Keys,
        *Halle Berrys
        *Jasmine Guys
        *Lisa Bonets
        *Rashida Jones
        *Persia Whites
        *Jennifer Beals
        *Victoria Rowells
        *Lonette McKees
        *Nicole Ari Parkers
        *Sydney Tamiia Poitiers
        *Let me stop here, because the list goes on ad infinitum. {chuckling}

        I ain’t mad at the other and other-ish women for protecting their spot on the totem pole. I AM angry with the Black-Black, AA fools who cut their own (and our) throats to champion these other women’s interests.

        Expect Success!

        • YMB says:

          off-White Beckys

          LOL!!!

          No, I ain’t mad at em, but I ain’t helping them either!

        • Karen R. says:

          Khadija,

          You know you are wrong with the “off-white Becky’s” Let’s call ’em Beige Becky’s.Hilarious!!

          • Oh, y’all know why I said that. 🙂

            I said that because of hypocritical BM’s statements trying to explain that other BM’s fetish for the Kardashian’s Whiteness isn’t about their fetish for White flesh. And it’s not really about this because…wait for it…

            … Because these women’s Armenian heritage somehow makes them not-quite-White…yadda, yadda, yadda…Caucasus mountains…yadda, yadda, yadda…bs…bs…

            {sarcasm on} Yeah, right. Sure. {sarcasm off}

            The Negro males who peddle that mess should try telling some Armenian-American White folks to their faces that they’re not really White, and see what happens…it won’t be pretty.

            Expect Success!

  27. halima says:

    Hi Khadija

    This blog post had me remembering how bw get labelled anti progressive etc when they try to take a share in the current system set up.

    I remember recently coming across an article about some new gay comic heroes. 3 males, 3 females with one black female included. Guess who gets to play the butch female? Yep the black woman of the bunch. both ww were expressed as feminine with long hair and loads of makeup (the bw had shaved head). mind you these are gay comic heroes (I am not too sure if they were rendered by someone or a team of people from the gay community). Anyway I kind of mentioned my thoughts that the only black female was represented in masculine ‘tone’, when there were two white women so more room for ‘diversifying’ there. Of course I got the, ‘nothing wrong with being butch’, reply which was totally beside the point I was making.

    you see when black women recognize how society wants to always ‘masculinize’ them or push them into socially penalized roles, they get slapped with the, ‘you are not progressive’, ‘nothing is wrong with being X, Y, Z, by folks who know too well the deal and that those roles are highly penalizing hence ‘we better give it to the bw then!’ this labelling tactic is very effective in silencing bw especially within social justice groups and conversations.

    Now like I said, I am not too sure who the creators were and if they too are gay but it just shows you that even folks trying to be ‘progressive’ (as in creating gay icons where there have been only straight super heroes so far) know and understand how society operates and what roles and presentations they need to reserve for black women because they are low paying and undercutting.

  28. Oh, Halima…

    Lordy, lordy, lordy…Where to begin?

    You said, “I remember recently coming across an article about some new gay comic heroes. 3 males, 3 females with one black female included. Guess who gets to play the butch female? Yep the black woman of the bunch. both ww were expressed as feminine with long hair and loads of makeup (the bw had shaved head).”

    Oh. My. God…{shudder}

    You said, “Anyway I kind of mentioned my thoughts that the only black female was represented in masculine ‘tone’, when there were two white women so more room for ‘diversifying’ there. Of course I got the, ‘nothing wrong with being butch’, reply which was totally beside the point I was making.”

    {another shudder} My response to that type of dishonest “there’s nothing wrong with X” mess is to say, “Well, if there’s nothing wrong with X, then give it to the WW…” At which point, there’s usually an awkward silence.

    You said, “you see when black women recognize how society wants to always ‘masculinize’ them or push them into socially penalized roles, they get slapped with the, ‘you are not progressive’, ‘nothing is wrong with being X, Y, Z, by folks who know too well the deal and that those roles are highly penalizing hence ‘we better give it to the bw then!’ this labelling tactic is very effective in silencing bw especially within social justice groups and conversations.”

    Exactly. Here’s my deal: How in the world are BW worrying about non-standard arrangements when we aren’t even reaping the benefits of the traditional human family arrangement of marriage and children within the context of a stable marriage? Like charity, justice begins at home! Folks need to put their OWN oxygen masks on first, before worrying about others.

    Instead, there’s a bunch of gullible BW running around making sure other people’s oxygen masks are perfectly adjusted. Meanwhile, these BW have NO oxygen mask and are inhaling the vacuum of outer space—far removed from normal life as it is lived on Earth.

    You said, “Now like I said, I am not too sure who the creators were and if they too are gay but it just shows you that even folks trying to be ‘progressive’ (as in creating gay icons where there have been only straight super heroes so far) know and understand how society operates and what roles and presentations they need to reserve for black women because they are low paying and undercutting.”

    People know what the rules are. Everybody clearly knows their current assigned spot on the totem pole. Even when they tell lies, and pretend not to know. I’m tired of gullible BW.

    Expect Success!

  29. Patricia Kayden says:

    Khadija:

    Do you think you’ll be writing posts like this one in the next 20-30 years? Just wondering if Black women will ever get a clue and move on (as Evia Moore always says).

    Or will our great granddaughters be sharing videos of BW being violently assaulted by BM?

  30. Karen R. says:

    When I think about the current state of affairs within the BC, I don’t know which is worse, violent, anti-social BM who blame WM and BW for their lot in life or the BW who defend them. Like many of the comments already mentioned, I can think of too many examples of BW defending the violent and abusive actions of BM. We saw this with Chris Brown, R. Kelly and -based on the comments people have made about the victim in the video(which I refuse to watch)-the perpetrators of the video attack, some BW will vehemently defend anything and everything, even though no other community of women would even dare to do such a thing. Kanye West is still catching it for his antics with Taylor Swift last year- which pale in comparison to how BW are reviled in the media, etc. He has even gone so far as to write a song for her in an attempt to be restored. The message to him and others was clear- if you mess with a WW- there will be consequences. Juxtapose this with the verbal, mental and physical assaults that BW endure and how BM as a collective UTTERLY FAIL to come to our defense. The subtle message to BW is that either we don’t deserve to be protected or respected like every other group of women, or our men are incapable of offering such protection. The reasons don’t really matter…ours is not to wonder why….BW must make an accurate assessment of the current climate and act accordingly which is to act in accordance with protecting our own self interests.
    ***
    I am so glad for this forum and the platform it provides for instruction and discussion. I am very excited about the fact that many of you disclose that you are young women which to me means that you are setting a new path at an early age. Things can and will be different for you as you reject the old paradigms such as the “nothing but a black man” non-sense. Lastly, although we have this cyber forum, I am going to put into action the idea from Khadija’s book in Chapter 22 “Breaking Bread Together.” I am getting together face-to-face with some friends this coming Saturday for a shared meal.

  31. PatriciaKayden,

    You said, “Do you think you’ll be writing posts like this one in the next 20-30 years? Just wondering if Black women will ever get a clue and move on (as Evia Moore always says).

    Or will our great granddaughters be sharing videos of BW being violently assaulted by BM?”

    Whatever happens in the next 20-30 years, I know that I won’t be writing posts about it. This blog has an expiration date, just like the previous one. At a certain point (I haven’t decided when that will be), I’m going to totally switch over to my “mainstream” pursuits in the global village. When that day comes, I’ll leave this blog up like the previous one as a beacon for those who arrive later.

    In terms of the big picture, I think the present trends of bifurcation and disintegration will continue.

    About bifurcation. On the one hand, the AA collective has been separating based on class divisions over the past 40 years. The divisions between the 2 main types of AAs will become even more clear. The AA poor and underclass will be trapped together in:

    1-one category (the politically non-existent and forgotten);
    2-one type of neighborhood (Black residential areas with peace walls keeping the inhabitants quarantined within); and
    3-one type of life experience (“nasty, brutish, and short”).

    About disintegration. I predict that for all practical purposes, the AA poor and underclass will drop off this planet (as described above).

    Meanwhile, the other types of AAs (middle class and upper class) will be:

    1-equally politically powerless and forgotten. Remember, our only political “weight” was organized around sheer numbers of Black/AA-identified voters. The numbers of Black/AA identified voters will continue to drop as:

    (a) more and more of the underclass get themselves removed from voting rolls because they are convicted felons;
    (b) more middle and upper class AAs continue to marry and mate out, which means their children are less likely to self-identify as Black/AA for any purpose, including voting.

    2-geographically dispersed OUTSIDE Black residential hellholes; and

    3-having a wide variety of different life experiences and lifestyles in the global village.

    So no—one way or another, the sojourners’ granddaughters won’t be sharing videos of BW being violently assaulted by BM. The sojourners’ granddaughters’ lives will be as far away from that madness as our lives are from the experiences of the women in the Congo.

    The unfortunate descendants of those AA women who don’t escape will be talking about such things. Nobody else will be listening. Life will go on for everybody else. The same way life goes on for everybody else despite what’s going on in the Congo.
    _____________________________________________________

    KarenR.,

    You said, “Kanye West is still catching it for his antics with Taylor Swift last year- which pale in comparison to how BW are reviled in the media, etc. He has even gone so far as to write a song for her in an attempt to be restored.”

    He wrote a song for her to try to get off the Alpha men’s punishment list? That’s hilarious. {gales of laughter}

    You said, “The message to him and others was clear- if you mess with a WW- there will be consequences. Juxtapose this with the verbal, mental and physical assaults that BW endure and how BM as a collective UTTERLY FAIL to come to our defense. The subtle message to BW is that either we don’t deserve to be protected or respected like every other group of women, or our men are incapable of offering such protection. The reasons don’t really matter…ours is not to wonder why….BW must make an accurate assessment of the current climate and act accordingly which is to act in accordance with protecting our own self interests.”

    That’s why, if AA want to be protected and provided for, more of us have to position ourselves under quality WM’s umbrella of protection as their wives. Asian women made shrewd moves that we can learn from and duplicate.

    You said, “I am very excited about the fact that many of you disclose that you are young women which to me means that you are setting a new path at an early age. Things can and will be different for you as you reject the old paradigms such as the “nothing but a black man” non-sense.”

    I’m also excited about the “young-uns” and the glorious new paths that they’ll blaze!

    You said, “Lastly, although we have this cyber forum, I am going to put into action the idea from Khadija’s book in Chapter 22 “Breaking Bread Together.” I am getting together face-to-face with some friends this coming Saturday for a shared meal.”

    Great! I’m always delighted to hear about more of us strengthening our connections—we’re going to need all the strong connections we can forge in this time of economic crisis, climate change, and peak oil.

    Expect Success!

  32. Nikita says:

    Hi Khadijah & Ladies
    {excited waving!}

    I have not responded in a loonng time in this community. Becoming productive for myself and living a full life has been work, but I am back to enjoying instead of merely enduring life. Thanks all for your support in that endeavor (Khadijah, CW, Evia, Faith, Roslyn and all the commentors )

    My new mantra that I got from the site of Mrs. Monicamingo is “I do what I want.” She not only says it, she MEANS it, and lives this way. With this in mind, I only entertain, concern myself with, engage with people and situations that benefit, enlighten or make my life more enjoyable. The pleasing thing at your expense thing that women as a whole are trained to do from birth I have in large part slowed down. Unless your name is God, take a number and get a clue. I take care of me FIRST. This cuts out confusion at work, with family, with neighbors, and generally in life. Doing what I want means holding steadfastly to MY standards and goals and cuts out the crap. My perceptions, vision etc. is the only thing that matters until I decide after carefully vetting/examing a person or situation what I will add to my life. AGAIN I do what I want. Not to say that knowledge and wisdom isn’t welcomed, or common sense is not employed but I am saying that following a crowd or anybody when it goes against me is simply not gonna happen.

    As to the Elle cover, I feel like Sibide is being used to combat the beauty of BW that has been exalted a bit lately. The changes we are making are shaking up the foundation. What happens when the mule throws you off its back and remember that it too is a beautiful, intelligent woman? She attracts mucho attention. Now the rider has to use their own legs and unfortunately they are frail due to apathy. Boo-hoo. Sometimes life sucks, LOL. This is what we are witnessing as they (mixed and non bw) work sooo hard to take on the charateristics physical and otherwise that we take for granted that we already naturally possess. I will be so glad when more BW remember how truly beautiful & intelligent we are and open themselves up to life instead of living as a stereotype definition.

    I don’t concentrate on BM/BW. If they approach me or attempt to befriend me and after examination we are cool then good. If not, then it is what it is. The amount of peace due to that decision that reigns in my life is wonderful. I still can’t move right now, but I trust I will be able to soon. Lie is getting better ; )

  33. Hello there, Nikita!

    {excitedly waving back}

    You said, “Becoming productive for myself and living a full life has been work, but I am back to enjoying instead of merely enduring life. Thanks all for your support in that endeavor (Khadijah, CW, Evia, Faith, Roslyn and all the commentors )”

    You’re welcome! Good for you! I’m always delighted to hear that sort of personal testimony.

    You said, “As to the Elle cover, I feel like Sibide is being used to combat the beauty of BW that has been exalted a bit lately. The changes we are making are shaking up the foundation. What happens when the mule throws you off its back and remember that it too is a beautiful, intelligent woman? She attracts mucho attention. Now the rider has to use their own legs and unfortunately they are frail due to apathy. Boo-hoo. Sometimes life sucks, LOL. This is what we are witnessing as they (mixed and non bw) work sooo hard to take on the charateristics physical and otherwise that we take for granted that we already naturally possess.”

    Oh, yeah. Slowly, but surely, more “monoracial,” “non-exotic” AA women are waking up to their own beauty and power. And these other women are NOT pleased. They don’t want larger numbers of BW doing an “Eileen Harris Norton” or “Gwen Adams Norton.”

    These ladies are Peter “NORTON UTILITIES” Norton’s ex-wife and current wife, both of whom are “typical”-looking, Black-Black women.

    http://www.panachemag.com/File/Gwen_Norton/
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Norton#Personal_life

    From an earlier (1994) Los Angeles Times article (emphasis added),

    No one could have predicted that Eileen Harris and Peter Norton would ever meet.

    “We tell people the story and they don’t believe us,” she says.

    Peter and his two brothers grew up in Seattle in what he calls “a real white-bread, white-picket fence, Ozzie-and-Harriet type of family.” His father was an insurance sales executive, his mother a homemaker. “There was no great art on the walls,” Peter quips.

    During summer vacations from Reed College in Portland, Ore., he worked for an actuarial firm, where he learned programming. “They showed me a new IBM 1620, threw the manual at me, and I took to it like a duck to water.”

    After college, he spent five years in a Zen monastery in Northern California (“Yes, I was a monk,” he says, declining to elaborate) and took a series of conventional programming jobs. None lasted more than two years. “I get bored too easily,” he says.

    At 39, he was living in a small Venice apartment, working in Van Nuys and wondering how to meet Ms. Right. “I was seeking a black spouse,” Norton says, “because I have always been attracted to black women. I find them gorgeous.”

    He decided to place a personal ad in the singles magazine Intro.

    Eileen grew up in Watts, in a household with her divorced mother, two uncles and a grandfather. The men worked for the postal service, her mother was a retail salesclerk.

    After Hamilton High School, she commuted from home to UCLA, where she earned her bachelor’s degree. And to USC, where she earned her master’s in bilingual education. And after that, to a series of teaching jobs in the Los Angeles Unified School District.

    “Most parents push their kids out of the house at one point or another. But not my family,” Eileen says with a smile.

    She dated–always African Americans–but had yet to meet anyone exciting.

    “I was 29 years old, working at an elementary school where there was nobody to meet, and all my friends were having the same problem. I was beginning to wonder exactly what my options were.”

    Her mother urged her to listen to Dr. Toni Grant on the radio. The talk-show therapist mentioned the personal ads in Intro magazine.

    “I bought a copy, said ‘no way’ and chucked it,” Eileen says.

    Six months later, she changed her mind.

    *

    Their ads ran in the same issue.

    She noticed his, but didn’t respond, preferring to see who would answer hers.

    Three men responded. She met two, but nothing clicked. “And then there was Peter. . . .”

    Their first date at a falafel place, now closed, in Westwood Village went so well that they crossed Westwood Boulevard to the Chatham restaurant, also now defunct, where they continued to eat and talk.

    They dated again. And again.

    In January, 1983, Peter purchased an IBM personal computer. He told Eileen that he wanted to quit his “nowhere job” and live off his modest savings while playing with the computer to see if he could “become independently employed.”

    He began by writing books and programs for the first PC owners. As mail orders started trickling in, he offered Eileen a job as his gofer. Bored with teaching, she agreed. Working in his Venice apartment, he wrote while she packed, labeled and mailed packages. “He was a terrible boss,” she recalls. “You had to do things his way.”

    But they were in love, and the little business was growing.

    They married on a Sunday morning, Nov. 27, 1983, at the Albertson Wedding Chapel on Wilshire at La Brea. Their families never mentioned the racial difference, Eileen says: “They were very happy for us.”

    *

    Within five years, they had hit the financial big-time. And Peter was bored: “I had done programming for so long, I’d had my fill of it.”

    http://articles.latimes.com/1994-06-12/news/ls-3441_1_peter-norton

    There’s a reason why the media generally WON’T mention “little” details such as the WM who created Norton Utilities having a preference for seeking a BW to be his wife. Meanwhile, they’re quick to tell you about each and every conquered BM celebrity who prefers WW.

    Remember all of this the next time some conquered BM, or some Cablinasian, multicultural, Black Latina, or “biracial” chick, or anybody else tries to convince you that “don’t nobody want Black women.”

    **Hmmm…I can feel another post coming on about this…**

    Expect Success!

  34. rainebeaux says:

    I’m officially too tired (read: obsessed with) from starting my life over to care at this point. [Just enough awareness to ponder: “hm, how’s that work for me/where do I come in?” Then I act accordingly. Otherwise, it’s “next, please.”] I am, however, improving ever-so-slightly in the “indifferent to BM/male-identified BW” department: as far as I’m concerned, they’ve rendered themselves conquered, irrelevant and extinct eons ago…in short, I’m DONE talking (oh, wait *slapping forehead*: I never really started)! All I hear from most AAs nowadays–in some form or fashion–is, “we want you as unhappy, broke, and dead [inside and out] as the rest of us.” Yeah, I’ll pass on the Ghettocalypse as a whole, never mind that particular segment…

    My racial and ethnic self-respect are under the close watch of armed guards in an undisclosed location, my sense of humor is on life support, and I’m now obligated to avoid most people/places/things to protect my spirit. I’m afraid I’m still struggling with residual anger; thus, quite harsh/impatient with self and others. Actually, it’s more like resignation and/or near loss of hope for all but the younger(est) BW who’ve since caught a clue, it seems. Either way, the empathy and sympathy are basically gone.

    I feel terrible even thinking/saying this, but:

    *Naivete and gullibility now translate to suicide by stupid in my mind…

    *and now I just think/say: “they’d [AA women] been warned; if they want to keep up this charade, let ’em drown.”

    ___

    Barring that, I’m making *some* progress overall.

  35. halima says:

    Approach
    The POSIWID principle applies a kind of backwards logic to systems thinking – from effects to causes.

    If a complex system produces a given outcome, or if a given outcome emerges from a complex system, then we may assume some purpose linked to this outcome. This is a useful guide for investigation and interpretation. Ignore the official purpose of the system, ignore what the designers and custodians of a system say, and concentrate on its actual behaviour.

    (emphasis added) http://www.squidoo.com/POSIWID

    oh my lawd i love this! The mathematician in mean leaped at this one, it just loves the application of simple formula and how it can make complex things just plain. I have told folks that once i have more time and more money i am going back to get that degree in mathematics that i had to talk myself out of lol! indeed you can work from both sides of an equation, if you have the answer on the right hand side you can work backwards and find the unknown quantity on the left.

    POSWID, is nothing but the truth! bw have been running around for years chasing their tails as to why things are the way they are, at loss as to why things are working out seemingly not as planned (especially with folks telling them all sorts of stories), yet simply noting the consistent output of the system, shows it is clearly producing what it set out to produce whatever it’s official spokespeople try to make out!

  36. CNS says:

    After reading some of these comments about street harassment, I was wondering if you can legally file a restraining order against a minor, because most of the BM did not start this behavior after they turned 18yrs old. I was saddened by the comment of the young girl who spoke about speaking respectfully to BM because she didn’t want to be humiliated by having alcohol poured on her like what she saw in the video. I also remember that [Khadija speaking: I edited out the name of the BW-hating hip-hop creature listed here—NO publicity for such creatures allowed here] video which came out more than 15 years ago, and it kind of shocked and scared me at the same time. I was wondering what would have happen to her if not cameras where running. I suspect gang rape. I am close to 42yrs old and I still shudder at this image.

  37. Joyousnerd says:

    This conversation has been so illuminating. I am so grateful to have this resource!

    As I mentioned a few posts back, I realized that I need to write a book! I have grown my natural hair down to my hips (!!!) and I am planning to write an e-book that will teach other BW how to do the same. So many of us feel unfeminine because we are supposedly the only women who “can’t” grow our hair long. Well, it’s easy once you know how. I want all BW to learn this and seize our femininity. On one level it’s only hair, but really, it could help BW to own their beauty and USE IT to their advantage.

    I don’t think I’ll explicitly get too much into empowerment in the book, but I will definitely focus on how claiming our beauty will help us as individuals and collectively. (Maybe Khadija would be gracious enough to read/review it once it’s complete?)

  38. Karen says:

    I have been very busy IRL, so I am very late to the conversation. I will just say this “Actions speak louder than words”. This has always been the case.

    I do not pay attention to what people or organizations say, I pay attention to what they do or do not do.

    I learned this very early in life the hard way. At the time, I thought “life is not fair”. Well, fact is, Life IS NOT fair. Once I got over that, things became very self-evident.

    I am now indifferent to many things. I focus on getting mine for me and my family. BMs have not been on my radar for many, many moons. I do not hate them, I just do not have any emotions or energy for them.at.all.

    As for the Gabby mess, all that has come to pass has been absolutely no surprise. WW are looking out for their interests and we (as individuals) need to look out for ours.

    @Rainbeaux,

    Concerning “indifference”, I will share a trick with you. To get to this point, I would look in the mirror and ask “who do I love most of all?” the answer “Me”. I would ask “who is the most important person on this planet?”, the answer “Me”. I had to repeat that for many days, weeks, months but at some point I finally believed it. When that day came, it was a rebirth. What other people do or say just is not that big a deal. Anyone/anything that does not provide value, is not part of my world.

    Find something that you can daily say to yourself that can help you reach the point of indifference. You will truly feel liberated after that.

    @Khadija,

    Your comment, “Remember all of this the next time some conquered BM, or some Cablinasian, multicultural, Black Latina, or “biracial” chick, or anybody else tries to convince you that “don’t nobody want Black women.”

    **Hmmm…I can feel another post coming on about this…**”

    This is why I do not watch romance movies. Why the heck should I pay money to watch women who do not look like me be the object of someone’s affections, why when my real life has been much more interesting?

    This is a hidden, dirty secret that many WW cannot and will not face; many AA BW are loved, adored and sought after by the Alpha males on the planet. They will do everything to suppress that very REAL fact.

    Ladies – we are powerful, we just have to recognize it for what it is and act on it using our femininity and grace.

  39. Rainebeaux,

    I would suggest that you actively seek out reasons to laugh and other ideas, activities, and people that nourish your spirit. It’s not enough to disconnect from the poison. A person needs inputs of the good stuff to replace the bad stuff.

    For one thing, laughter IS important. I don’t mean the nonstop coonery that modern AAs just looove. I mean, good, clean, reasons to smile and to laugh. I know it might sound silly, but the following strategy works for me: When I’m feeling a heavy dose of work-related annoyance and anger, I listen to selections from my iTunes-purchased stand-up comedy playlist. A bit of Margaret Cho, a bit of very old Bill Cosby, a bit of old Redd Foxx, and the smile is back on my face. (My livelihood is the final, unfinished area of my life that I need to clean up—I’ve eliminated contact with all toxic or infuriating inputs in every other area.)
    _____________________________________________

    Halima,

    You said, “oh my lawd i love this! The mathematician in mean leaped at this one, it just loves the application of simple formula and how it can make complex things just plain. I have told folks that once i have more time and more money i am going back to get that degree in mathematics that i had to talk myself out of lol! indeed you can work from both sides of an equation, if you have the answer on the right hand side you can work backwards and find the unknown quantity on the left.”

    Then you will probably enjoy the work of a WW progressive blogger and futurist named Sara Robinson, and her Orcinus blog posts about Kauffman’s Rules. In Part 1 she says,

    One of the first things futures studies faculty try to pound into the little puddin’ heads of budding futurists is that the world isn’t built of separate pieces and parts; and history can’t ever be reduced to a list of Great Men and Great Events. Rather, they tell us, the world is a vast interlocking matrix of complex systems — and one of the biggest keys to cultivating good foresight lies not in examining the specific properties of each part, but rather in examining the relationships between the parts, and the way they function together as a whole to create a given situation. Look at it this way, and it becomes much easier to see what’s working, what’s breaking, what’s likely to happen next, and what needs to change for a better outcome to occur.

    …One of the cool things about studying the behavior of systems that all of them — economic, ecological, biological, political, cultural, or mechanical — consistently behave in ways that cause them to succeed or fail in much the same way. This observation greatly simplifies our ability to understand of the world, once we learn to look for the common recurring patterns. As a quick way of teaching this awareness, an early systems teacher named Draper Kauffman set down 28 rules that seem to apply to the behavior of all kinds of systems. (It’s kind of like those little “101 Life Lessons” books you get at Borders, only this one encapsulates the life philosophy of a bunch of systems geeks at MIT.)

    Here’s the link to Part 2:
    http://dneiwert.blogspot.com/2007/02/kauffmans-rules-8-14.html

    Here’s the link to Part 3: http://dneiwert.blogspot.com/2007/03/kauffmans-rules-15-21.html

    Here’s the link to Part 4:
    http://dneiwert.blogspot.com/2007/03/kauffmans-rules-final-seven.html

    Halima, you go with your bad self! I’ve always admired folks who are good at math and/or hard sciences—I’m NOT one of them! 🙂

    You said, “POSWID, is nothing but the truth! bw have been running around for years chasing their tails as to why things are the way they are, at loss as to why things are working out seemingly not as planned (especially with folks telling them all sorts of stories), yet simply noting the consistent output of the system, shows it is clearly producing what it set out to produce whatever it’s official spokespeople try to make out!”

    Exactly! The mess that BW face is NOT random, despite what the mess-apologists and enablers say. It all operates in one, consistent direction; and creates one, consistent output. Folks need to understand that people don’t have to be involved in a deliberate, consciously-engaged-in-plotting type of conspiracy in order to act in ways that prop up a particular social system or environment.
    _____________________________________________

    CNS,

    You said, “After reading some of these comments about street harassment, I was wondering if you can legally file a restraining order against a minor, because most of the BM did not start this behavior after they turned 18yrs old.”

    I believe the first step is to GET OUT and STAY OUT of Black residential areas and other places where masses of BM congregate. I believe the 2nd step is to—from a safe distance away—call the police on BM who harass women in non-Black areas.

    Calling the police can get tricky when one still lives among masses of BM harassers. You’ll be calling the police 24 hours a day about multiple AA males. AND you’ll be physically surrounded by “stop snitching” AA nuts. The better strategic move is to remove oneself from that majority-AA environment and get outside easy striking distance of these predators. The other angle is that the police are much quicker to crack down on BM when they commit crimes (like street harassment) in NON-Black residential areas.

    About restraining orders: From what I’ve seen while working in court, I generally don’t like the psychological dynamics associated with these types of orders. A lot of predators interpret them as creating an additional bond between themselves and their victim, a game (“how many yards away from her can I stand and NOT violate the order?”), AND a test of wills.

    If it was me—God forbid—my inclination wouldn’t so much be on getting one of those orders, it would be on disappearing (cutting off all means of access) and having the perp arrested and prosecuted for each and every separate offense he committed. [1 instance/count of phone harassment—check; another instance/count of phone harassment—check; 1 instance/count of criminal damage to property—check; 1 instance/count of trespassing—check; and so on.] Anyhoo, that’s just ME and MY personal take on those sorts of court orders. Let me stress that my opinion for myself does NOT apply to what is best for other people in their own situations.

    If I remember correctly, security consultant Gavin de Becker talked about these dynamics in his book, The Gift of Fear. Which is an excellent, potentially life-saving book.

    In addition to reading The Gift of Fear, I would suggest that folks take the time to read the following blog post (“Don’t Feed The Stalker”) in its entirety. In part, it mentions,

    It’s absolutely, predictably Skinnerian. Picture a rat having to push a bar 20 times to get rewarded with a food pellet. It takes him a long time to figure it out the first time or two; but once he understands what’s required, he’ll get right up on that bar and rip out the full 20 pushes in a flash every time he wants his payout. And he’ll stay at it all day, as long as the rewards keep coming.

    Stalkers are just like that rat. So the name of the game is to stop the reward payouts by cutting off all possible avenues of contact. No matter how often he pushes the bar, nothing happens. That, in a nutshell, is why we’d been packed up and sent Far Yonder — out of all possible reach of OE. The consultant was making sure that this rat would never get his reward.

    The non-stop pager messages (which Mr. R was still getting) were absolutely typical of a stalker lost in the cycle, frantically pushing that bar. The profiler predicted that there would be an avalanche of messages on Mr. R’s work phone machine and e-mail, too. (There were.) Our home number was in my maiden name and unlisted (ironically, because of another stalker I’d encountered in college) so he never got that. But Mr. R’s other three co-workers weren’t so lucky; and their home phones got barraged until they got new, unlisted numbers. And he called them all at work several times over the next few days, each time reiterating his threat to blow the place up, and expressing his growing frustration that no one was around to talk to him. It was clear that the total lack of response to his threats was making him mad. The SFPD collected it all, of course, as evidence.

    It was critically important, the profiler said, that he never be allowed to connect with any of us. In fact, the longer it had been since the last contact, the more important it would become for us to make sure that he never got rewarded with a new one. This, he said, is the most common mistake victims of romantic stalkers make. If a woman ignores 40 phone calls over the period of several days, but picks up on the 41st, her stalker has just learned — like that rat — that the price of contact with her is 41 phone calls. So, the next time, he accelerates his behavior, running through those 40 phone calls in just a few hours so he can get to the payoff that he’s been trained to believe awaits on the 41st.

    If the woman gets more determined, and is able to avoid him for, say, 80 phone calls….well, then, now he knows that 80 calls is the price of contact, and now she’s gonna get 80 calls all in one night. And so it escalates — the longer the interval between contacts and the more effort he puts in before getting the next contact, the higher the cost-of-contact bar gets raised — and the faster and more energetically he’ll step up and pay that new, higher price the next time. If she redoubles her avoidance efforts, and it takes him 100 calls plus a visit to her office before he reaches her again, then after that her phone will ring off the hook — and he’ll set up camp in the office parking lot. It’s a perverse cycle in which the more successfully she can widen the time interval and make him increase his total effort between contacts, the more and faster his contact attempts escalate.

    The only way to break this cycle is to increase the cost of contact to the point where he’s finally simply unable to pay it. And that means cutting him off entirely until he either finds something else to obsess about; or he simply hears the “no” at last, and gives up. This is why the best thing a stalkee can do is move to a new town, delist her number, change her online ID, and takes all the other steps necessary to put herself completely and totally beyond his reach — for at least several years, or (better) forever. (For celebrity stalkers, they recommend other tactics, but the strategy is the same.) Scarce or intermittent contact is, in many ways, the worst of all worlds: it drives the price of contact up so insanely high that the stalker may decide to pay it up all at once in a burst of violence.

    This is why, as Jesse said below, that women are at such great risk in the year or so after they leave relationships with controlling men. Getting some distance increases the man’s reckoning of the average cost-of-contact — and with it, his frustration level, his obsessive behavior, and the potential for violence if he ever does catch up to her.

    http://www.groupnewsblog.net/2007/10/dont-feed-stalker.html
    ______________________________________________________

    Karen,

    You said, “This is a hidden, dirty secret that many WW cannot and will not face; many AA BW are loved, adored and sought after by the Alpha males on the planet. They will do everything to suppress that very REAL fact.

    Ladies – we are powerful, we just have to recognize it for what it is and act on it using our femininity and grace.”

    ITA!

    Expect Success!

    • Magenta says:

      I love the twist and turns this discussion is having, all around staying on target lol.

      Street Harassment is another area where obfuscation and intellectual dishonesty will result in BW getting killed. I have noticed that over the past year or so, several “liberal” white female bloggers have decided to blog about street harassment. At first I was excited that people were finally taking on this matter until I saw some of the content of these blogs. Almost every single one tried to argue that street harassment happens everywhere, and that telling women that street harassment happens more in bad neighborhoods is racist.

      I was furious at this kind of irresponsible reporting. It is obvious these so called progressive women have never been in a situation where they have been shot for refusing to give out their phone number. Telling women that “street harassment happens everywhere” will result result in women getting killed because they will refuse necessary precautions or find a safer neighborhood to live in.

      I don’t know if it is white guilt, or fear of being called a racist, or their desire to hook up with BM and not offend them that is preventing these “progressive” WW from telling the truth about this. Regardless, my advice to BW is to be extremely careful when taking advice from so-called liberal whites. Keep in mind they will give you advice that they would NEVER follow or give to their own daughters. I do not see these “liberals” telling their daughters to stay in a dangerous underclass neighborhood because “street harassment happens everywhere.”

      Just like how “liberal” WW are busy trying to preach “fat acceptance” to BW, while doing everything possible to keep THEIR waistlines as small as possible. So not be a victim to their sabotage or failed social experiments! This is literally a matter of life and death.

      • Magenta,

        Well, all of that gets back to the point of one of the first blog posts here, Think About Your Own Circumstances,

        Lifestyle optimization requires you to examine ideas from the vantage point of your own particular context and circumstances. This one statement will probably be a recurring theme in the blog posts here. It’s impossible to have an optimal lifestyle when you make critical life decisions based on other people’s circumstances. Listening to other people whose circumstances or interests are out of alignment with yours will throw your life into chaos and ruin.

        This is the primary reason so many African-American women are living in misery and hardship. They’re programmed to think about other people’s (read: Black men’s, and the already-dead Black community’s) circumstances and interests, instead of their own. Or they’re taking positions that only make sense in the context of nonblack women’s collective life circumstances.

        Expect Success!

  40. foreverloyal says:

    First off, EID MUBARAK! Hope you had a good one. I think my kids are still detoxing from all the sugar.

    On topic now:
    Yep, I’ve directed more than a few people to the “Reasons Don’t Matter” post. We can tsk and shake our heads and feel sorry and understand the reasons why ____________ is ____________. It doesn’t obligate us to hang around _________ pat _________on the back, hold__________ hand, or heaven forbid, try to repair ____________.
    On the relationship front, this means it doesn’t matter why a man is unemployed with no prospects and no ambition. The same way it wouldn’t matter to a man WHY a woman has one eye/is 250 lbs overweight/has bald patches. If she doesn’t measure up, he moves on.

    On the employment front, this means it doesn’t matter why X company can’t pay it’s employees market rate and can’t make up for it with increased flex-time, vacation-time or a pleasant work environment. If you can do better, you move on. In the same way a job wouldn’t care why you couldn’t finish college/get good assignments at your previous job/ get continued ed and certifications. If you don’t measure up, they move on.

    We can do better to be consumed with soul-draining foolishness. Let’s move on.

    • ForeverLoyal,

      الله يبارك فيك (Allāh yibārik fīk) I wish the same for you!

      You said, “We can do better to be consumed with soul-draining foolishness. Let’s move on.”

      ITA. And on that note, I’m about to close the comments to this post. I think we’ve (more than) covered all the angles to this topic.

      Expect Success!