Remove Grasshoppers From Your Social Networks

DERANGED GRASSHOPPER BELIEFS

As children, most of us read the fable of The Grasshopper And The Ant. For those who were resistant to believing this, the bizarre, indignant “grasshopper” responses to the recent No Wedding, No Womb initiative confirmed that the African-Americans collective is mostly composed of grasshoppers. Grasshoppers who act and live as if they:

  • Don’t understand that out of wedlock births (oow) and the single parenting that is the logical, predictable result of oow, has engulfed the African-American collective in destructive flames.
  • Don’t understand that sex is the leading cause of pregnancy, far ahead of in vitro fertilization and immaculate conception.
  • Don’t understand that several millennia of human experience have shown that human pair-bonding (also known as marriage), and the extended family obligations created by marriage, represent the best human practice for child-rearing.
  • Don’t understand that “programs” cannot replace family.
  • Don’t understand that the last few decades of “programs” have not worked; even in the context of a functioning economy. The economy is no longer functioning.
  • Don’t understand that the federal and state governments don’t have the money to pay for current “programs.” They certainly don’t have the money for additional “programs.” Nor is there any desire on the part of the rest of the US population to subsidize African-Americans’ dysfunction with additional programs to accommodate our mass, self-destructive refusal to form families.
  • Don’t understand that there’s already a time-tested, widely-known, and commonly-practiced human “program” that provides “support systems” for women and their children. It’s called marriage and (legitimate) family.
  • Don’t understand that, after 40+ years of our whining, other Americans are not going to rearrange their society to accommodate African-Americans’ refusal to form families. This restructuring won’t happen now, or any time in the foreseeable future. Other people will simply continue to leave us behind. To die in our foolishness.

I say “act and live as if” because I’m not entirely convinced the majority of Black women grasshoppers sincerely believe this foolishness they spout. I believe that many of them adopt grasshopper ideology because doing otherwise would mean the end of “nuthin’ but a brother” business as usual. Adhering to normal, human standards for mate selection and procreation would mean acknowledging that the vast majority of African-American males are unfit and unwilling to function as men by serving as competent protectors and providers.

Once an African-American woman acknowledges this fact, the next logical step is for her to expand her dating and marriage options to include non-Black men the global village. Doing that would require a woman to leave the (false) comfort zone of the devil(s) she knows. However, in the end, the reasons don’t matter. The point is that those who are naysayers to the basic, human norm of “no wedding, no womb” are grasshoppers to be avoided.

THE GRASSHOPPER DIED IN EARLY VERSIONS OF THE FABLE

The grasshopper died because of his foolishness in early versions of the fable. In real life, grasshoppers are generally allowed to destroy themselves. More sensible creatures (the “ants”) don’t have the time, resources, or energy to waste on fools. I suggest that you also don’t waste much time and energy on grasshoppers. Let the grasshoppers live in denial and delusion. They’re irrelevant to everything that matters; including your efforts to move forward in the real world. However, it is important to remove any remaining grasshoppers from your social networks.

GRASSHOPPERS ARE LIABILITIES; CUT THEM LOOSE

The blog host of Sovereign Man recently talked about the importance of building trusted networks in these turbulent times. He said,

In my own experience, I’ve found that I have very little in common with the people who share the color of my passport, and that I have much more in common with those I’ve met around the world who share my outlook and philosophy.

Moreover, this trusted network of individuals around the world, wherever they happen to be based, has often made the difference between success and failure in my life.

As we go through the Age of Turmoil and experiences rapid change and fluctuating crises, I think that having a trusted network will become even more important. The cliche ‘it’s not what you know, it’s who you know,’ is absolutely true… perhaps more so in difficult times.

Lately, I’ve written extensively about why becoming self-reliant is ultimately the way to survive and thrive in the Age of Turmoil… and this is absolutely true. But as ironic as it may sound, I think that building a trusted network is one of the key pillars to achieving self-reliance.

Let me begin by saying that there is a critical difference between building a trusted network, and expecting others to take care of you. The former is a position of strength, the latter is a position of weakness. If you build a network where you are a valued member of the team, you are an asset, not a liability.

. . . It’s much easier to face the world, particularly in the Age of Turmoil, knowing that the people on your team are a carefully selected group of dependable men and women who share your core values and have important skills.

By definition, grasshoppers are liabilities. They reject common sense, and the accumulated wisdom of millennia of human experience. Male and female African-American grasshoppers are already using their female relatives as a primary source of sustenance for their grasshopper lifestyles and out of wedlock offspring. Grasshoppers are also angrily demanding that additional “programs” be established to sustain them. “Programs” = YOU and MORE of your resources that you worked hard to create. Instead of getting agitated about their foolishness, be happy that many previously-unknown, undercover grasshoppers have outed themselves as having grasshopper beliefs.

Cut the grasshoppers loose.

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79 Responses to “Remove Grasshoppers From Your Social Networks”

  1. Bellydancer says:

    They keep falling for the baby mama okey doke (lol)
    http://survivingdating.com/dont-be-dumb-by-falling-for-the-baby-momma-okey-doke

    I was almost paralyzed by all the excuses people kept making for single unwed motherhood as I read blog after blog and messages on twitter and facebook after all these years black people do not get it yet. The government cannot help itself and there is no black community backing you up SMH

    • Miss V says:

      …and to think that folks used to sweat me for only having one child. I’m already raising the one I have without his dad, and my mom’s been helping me. WHY ON EARTH WOULD FOLKS THINK I’M SUPPOSED TO DIG A DEEPER HOLE FOR MYSELF AND MY SON?? smh…

    • pioneervalleywoman says:

      That post on the okey-doke was on fire and as Khadija said, HARSH! It resonated so much with me, things I have heard of, seen and so forth–the young black girl going places, all of a sudden falls pregnant, etc., and then she is done.

      My parents made sure I knew of that–my mom in particular said to me that there are certain type of men who liked to target nice girls to drag them down with pregnancy, and she wasn’t even raised in this country, but she knew what time it was. My dad spoke of this as well. This is a timeless scenario that can exist across cultures and societies.

      Parents who know better protect their girls from that and keep them away from the enabling heffas who would tell them otherwise–“you’re not being fair to the brotha; people mess up; you think you are too good for an average brotha” (as though Ray-Ray is really average and not sub-par), etc., etc.

  2. rainebeaux says:

    I hear you loud and clear, Khadija…actually, more so than ever before. One would think that my fellow single mothers (I’m using this phrase in a general context–i saw those Tweets. Lawd!) would be the first to say something–anything!–like, “hey, girls/ladies, you don’t want this [EVER, let alone in this economy].” But noooo…oh, never mind. *shrug*

    Off to write, er, edit the third (and hopefully last!) draft of my (unabridged) NwNW essay for my own blog. Thanks again for the reminder.

  3. shocol says:

    Instead of getting agitated about their foolishness, be happy that many previously-unknown, undercover grasshoppers have outed themselves as having grasshopper beliefs.

    Cut the grasshoppers loose.

    Perhaps this will be one of the best things to come from NWNW. There’s nothing like having people self-identify when it comes to their values and beliefs.

    The more time I spend on the internet and see what others, particularly BW, think and believe, the more I appreciate Evia’s emphasis on associating with “like-minded” people. I’m coming to believe that it’s absolutely vital.

    • rainebeaux says:

      Indeed, shocol: I didn’t notice until a few months ago (shortly before I moved, actually) that I get some twisted satisfaction from people telling on themselves. Less likelihood of being unnecessarily subjected to flashbacks, I suppose…

  4. foreverloyal says:

    Well you saved me from having to write a blogpost, though I still have a couple of responses to the NWNW detractors. A response which is really directed at those who can see reason.

    “We don’t have time! The economy is faltering, as usual AAs are the worst off, the world is changing, the LEAVES ARE TURNING BROWN/YELLOW/RED, Metaphorically fall is here and WINTER IS COMING. Stop fussing at the grasshopper to lay up supplies because it is slowing YOUR pace of preparation and you can’t afford that.”

    I have one or two women in my family/circle with OOW children who have tried to get me to help. (And those who do not have kids but are grass-hopperish in other, severe ways) My response has been, no. No I can’t watch your kids, I have enough to deal with handling my own. No I cannot loan/(give!) you money, I have my own kids/self to feed/clothe.

    Since I do not currently bring in income, what these people are REALLY asking is that my husband support THEM. Uh, no.

  5. halima says:

    Khadija once, a long while ago, i used to think some of these folks where championing the black cause. what they are actually doing is fighting for black people to have the right to self destruct (through their choices) if they so desire!

    the sadest thing of it all is that many of the folk they are enabling in their self-destruction dont even know this, but think these ones are there to lift them out of the mire, and are saying and doing what they are, as a part of some grand ‘rescue’ operation in swing!

  6. Oshun/Aphrodite says:

    Hello Khadija,

    Another wonderful post – as usual :). I have been lurking/absorbing information and working hard to move forward.

    I am late regarding NWNW. I went back and read some of the blogger posts and responses and I can’t articulate my feelings. I do agree that at least everything is more out in the open as far as the damaged/damaging elements in the defunct BC.

    I think NWNW is an awesome movement. I don’t see how anyone in their right minds could critique it. Its about AA women and girls making empowering and life affirming decisions/choices. The fact that its not based in some government program makes me proud – its AAs taking care of business…

    I didn’t like that detractors interjected all kinds of extraneous unrelated stuff.. For example the comments about gay couples. In reading the blogs I never got the impression that the target audience was stable gay couples who wanted children.

    I didn’t like that some so called feminists were going hard. I appreciate the victories of feminism and womanism, but I also remember your posts on considering your own circumstances. Plus feminism is about choices and women can’t make good choices unless they have accurate information regarding both reproductive rights and responsibilities.

    I don’t get the whole elitist slams and digs towards the movement. I think its elitist for people who know they will never be in this situation to sit around philosophizing and trying to destroy any attempts at preventing more women/girls from falling into the hole or preventing those who already are there from making the hole deeper.

    The final straw for me was when this woman asked:

    What makes a person emotionally, financially ready to have a child? Who makes that determination and who sets that standard?

    Or something to that effect.

    I have been thinking about that for several days. I can’t get it out of my mind. I don’t understand how an adult can be “there” at that place where they ask that kind of question in all seriousness.

    At least now I know why I got all the bad advice and crazymaking behavior when I was much younger. It was the crazy leading the blind. It wasn’t personal. As Evia says my foot was still shot whether intentional or not. But this right here is proof in my mind that many AAs are totally insane.

    You are right folks are outside of human norms for real for real. You have always said that and I got it intellectually, but it fills me with fear to actually see it in action and recognize it – on such a massive scale.

    • pioneervalleywoman says:

      I think women like her feel some sense of dissatisfaction that something has left them behind. For example, she only had one child; she and her husband decided that because of their financial situation.

      Yet, she sees Shenaynay having more than one, and she thinks, crazily, why didn’t I do like that? Why did I think finances were so important? What made me think that x,y, and z mattered so much? Whose standard was that? Why can’t we fight for more resources for people without any and thus enable them to reproduce? Perhaps Shenaynay has the right answer, just produce more black people, instead, of doing as she did in having fewer children, which was to contribute, in her view, to the annihilation of black people. Whatever, I say…

      • Oshun/Aphrodite says:

        Thank you PVW.

        You have given me some clarity on this. I wasn’t aware of her background.

        Yet I think she is wrong…

  7. Thank you for this post! You said it better than I ever could-I put up a response to the naysayers in my latest blog post, but I couldn’t articulate it this well. The importance of selecting ‘ants’ for your social network is so critical: being around grasshoppers will result in grasshopper mentality.

    The lengths some will go to criticize the need for marriage is insane! These critics are quick to point out the rate for failed marriages-but with the never married rate of BW, is it really reasonable to say, “Your marriage has a 50% chance of success, so no need to even try”? You have a 100% chance of being a single mother if you have children OOW! Their logic is flawed and it disregards a union that has proven beneficial to the 6000+ years of human civilization. How they think they can outsmart a institution that is over 6 milleniums in the making is beyond me.

    • Oshun/Aphrodite says:

      Not only that Tia, but even if the couple divorces the child still has access to the extended family networks from the marriage. My brother DBR as he is, had his children within marriage and myself, my mother, grandparents, and other family members never excluded them from family events…they were acknowledged and if they needed something they were given support.

  8. sisterlocgirl says:

    As my parents always used to tell me ” Show me your friends and i’ll tell you who you are “. You can not waste your time, effort or energies associating with people who don’t have the common sense to make decisions that are in their own best interests. I learned early on in my life that ultimately, I have to live with the consequences of my own decisions. Since that is the case, all of my decisions are made with that idea as my guiding principle. I’m so happy to see more AA women waking up to reality. Your book is FANTASTIC and my family will be reading it as my choice for our monthly family book club. Getting back to the grasshoppers, I don’t waste my time. I have NO friends with OOW children because I refuse to deal with people wth that mindset. The only folks I know in that situation are cousins of mine who allow the ” fog of dogma ” to cloud their choices. Funny how everyone can tell you what you can do, be and have as an AA woman, but they all proceed to do what’s best for them. Newsflash people. . .there is no “They ” or ” Them “, only the power you give to others when you behave as if their input actually has any bearing on your life. ” Every tub has to stand on it own bottom ” and ” It’s your little red wagon, so you can push it or pull it ” are a few of the sayings I grew up with. Expend your resources and energies wisely ladies, your very life may depend on it. Excellent blog, and I look forward to our future discussions 🙂

  9. Nikita says:

    All of the ridiculous intellectualizing about NWNW just ticked me off. The truth is, I think most of these folks in our community took it personal because they felt like it attacked their mother, themselves or some highly valued family member. Bump the fact that the daily facts say that AA children are suffering and engaging in horrible behavior and practices. I read so many of these crazy folks complaining about the moralizing that they saw going on. I read no solutions or assistance to strengthen this movement being offered. Then I wondered to myself what in the heck was wrong with morals? Nobody has problems w/moralizing until it comes to relationships and pointing our irresponsibility and accountability. Then I watched the news and read the paper and see AA children acting out and hurting/killing folks because they are not being raised, because their folks are not fit to be parents in the first place. For some reason these folks who are complaining about NWNW lack the wisdom to make the connection or, are as I continue to suspect, to emotionally vested because of their own situation to see beyond their bad decisions.

    Then I left the convos alone. I saw no value in them. I saw little value in trying to aruge with folks who did not and never have experienced , enjoyed, valued or viewed a healthy marriage with kids being raised in a family. No, those kids do not always come out right, honestly I have a sibling who did not, but it was not for lack of trying to help her or love her, some kids are going to be foolish despite a parent’s best efforts. Marriage and a family unit is the best way to raise healthy kids everyone should know by now that nothing, sans God for believers, is an absolute. Some of these folks seem to have a great deal of rage, anger, pain or resentment because of the perceived judgment of their personal situation more than an actual legitimate argument. Introspection and honesty is hard for most people and but is necessary for both growth and change. Let those who are willing to condemn themselves by walking in confusionn continue on without me.

    • ak says:

      Nikita:

      All of the ridiculous intellectualizing about NWNW just ticked me off. The truth is, I think most of these folks in our community took it personal because they felt like it attacked their mother, themselves or some highly valued family member.

      Yes because it’s true in some people’s cases you ARE talking about their mother or somebody else they know. I was raised by a single parent mother who never married and when I was 12 I told her that when I was older that I would ‘just go out and become a single parent because she did it, so if it was OK for her then it would be OK for me’.

      And then my Mom gave me the dirtiest look or side eye, and I said ‘What?’ and she said ‘No that is NOT what you should be looking to do. Just because I did it doesn’t mean that you should just go out and get pregnant’. But at the time I thought that with her example, what else was I supposed to think?

      But NWNW didn’t offend me at all because I understand it and the reason it came about. I’ve lived through what they’re warning about as a kid and no it isn’t pretty. It should be avoided as much as possible, and it can be.

      • Nikita says:

        AK,
        My sister had 4 kids before she reached the age of 21. By the same guy. Who did nothing to help them all of their lives. They are very much family kids. All of us – my parents, my brother and myself raised them. So this is VERY personal to me too. Because I saw and experienced that up close I decided at the age of 16 that no. way. in. the. world. would that be me. What I do not understand is how anyone could view that, see the struggle, watch the kids struggle and then STILL think that this is ideal – to have kids willingly outside of marriage without any help or assistance. Let’s not even began to mention what happens if the kids do not have mothers who will parent.

        As to folks who are suppose to be in the church and the crazy stuff that they both say and do – I left church a long time ago due to that. I had/have an issue with what was ignored and the automatic belief that patriarchy meant that men could be excused for so much but are still suppose to lead, the wolves in sheep clothing in the church preying on women who belive that are equally yoked with them and NOTHING being said from the pulpit about it… and my list grew/grows on. Did not sound like there was/is much congruency between what was said and what was in my Bible so how could I honestly trust the message given? Aiming for consistent morality and requesting that from their parisoners is part of what a church leader is suppose to do. I chose to have a relationship with God myself and kept it moving.

        I guess a long time ago in some ways I began to choose me. I still choose me. What I do not get is how many women do not choose themselves. How many women do not see the struggle, their mom’s/ friends/co-worker’s broken dreams, all her hard work and not immediately decide that it is not for them. I may not have always chosen well, I may not have always taken the best care of me – heck there are times I have been confused, but I always did my BEST with the knowledge I had to make my life better. I cannot understand this refusal of so many bw not to consider that NWNW may be what is best for them. I simply do not get it.

        • LMH says:

          Women have been sold a bill of goods that makes them believe that “struggle” is noble and “self interest” is wrong. It is definitely “the crazy leading the blind.” You are absolutely right in your assessment that many single mothers are rejecting the message of NWNW because it hits too close to home.

          It can be painful to acknowledge your mistakes and recognize that you have indeed been used and now through your own bad choices you have made your life and your child’s/children’s life harder. Some women recognize their mistakes and move on and fight the uphill battle of correcting their course. Others (too many) look for ANY JUSTIFICATION to remain in denial.

        • kandika says:

          Nikita,what type of church did you go to? In the bible, it says that if a man doesn’t take care of his family (in the book of Timothy) he’s WORSE than an UNBELIEVER. The guy shouldn’t have no more excuses than women when they act up. Reality says,in the bible, that men have MORE responsiblity for the family, not less.NO DOUBLE STANDARDS [just they don’t hold the baby in his belly for 40 weeks, doesn’t mean he isn’t ‘pregnant’

    • ak says:

      Look Nikita it’s like this: most black people don’t get all ‘moral’ about things until you talk about gays, lesbians, and their relationships, and then that’s when they discover that the Bible actually does exist. But they forget about it when the discussion is back to heterosexual relationships.

      Three of my mother’s good, long time friends (two of them married to each other) said to me that I should just get pregnant before it’s too late and encouraged me to just be a single parent. LOL LOL

      One of them who’s divorced said that she believes there’s hire risk of uterine cancer and such if a woman doesn’t get pregnant soon enough, so she said I should just find someone and have a baby. When I told her that I want to get married first, she just said that ‘Marriage isn’t everything’ and not to worry about that and not to bother with it. This woman has a huge white Bible on her bed with a picture of the famous Last Supper painting on it that she says she always reads, and she does go to church.

      Of the married couple ones, the husband said that because young men are no good these days, compared to his generation before that, because they don’t want to provide for their own kids and because they want to live off of working women that I should just find some guy and just get myself pregnant and just have a baby that way…. and yeah his wife agreed with this. The wife goes to church every Sunday. I told them that I want to be married first too. And these people have been married for decades!

      I mean why can’t I go and get married before I put an albatross around my neck?

      • Oshun/Aphrodite says:

        Ak I am having bad advice flashbacks. Fortunately you know better and have been told differently.

        “I should just find someone and have a baby. When I told her that I want to get married first, she just said that ‘Marriage isn’t everything’ and not to worry about that and not to bother with it. ”

        “that I should just find some guy and just get myself pregnant and just have a baby that way….”

        Talk about uterine cancer risks! Having sex with just anybody is a sure way to increase it. Not to mention all the other mess that would go along with an OOW child.

        Marriage isn’t everything and yet they did it?

  10. Bellydancer,

    Thanks for the link—if folks think I’m harsh in describing the motives behind certain actions, check out that link! Ms. Cooper breaks it all the way down about the baby mama okey-doke.

    You said, “I was almost paralyzed by all the excuses people kept making for single unwed motherhood as I read blog after blog and messages on twitter and facebook after all these years black people do not get it yet.”

    I’m happy these nuts are telling on themselves. It makes it easier for the “ants” to separate from them.
    _____________________________________________

    Rainebeaux,

    I feel that the grasshoppers aren’t your “fellow” anythings. You’re an ant who has common sense, and they don’t. And they don’t want to have any. Things can happen to ants. The ant/grasshopper divide isn’t just about what mistakes/choices folks have made. It’s also about their attitudes about their mistakes/choices.

    Furthermore, I’ve noted that more than a few of the naysayers are married BW who are doing the hypocritical White fake liberal thing. The bad-faith thing of saying that babymama-hood is just fine and dandy for all those other Negresses out there. Even though it wasn’t fine and dandy for them when they made their choices about childbearing.

    These married and holding out for marriage before chilbearing naysayers are ants supporting grasshopper-dom for others! That’s some bad-faith mess just like the “I divested from my Black country, but y’all AA women must ‘stay and fight’ in dangerous AA neighborhoods” BF immigrant blogger that I put on blast at the previous blog.
    _______________________________________

    Shocol,

    You said, “Perhaps this will be one of the best things to come from NWNW. There’s nothing like having people self-identify when it comes to their values and beliefs.”

    I agree.

    You said, “The more time I spend on the internet and see what others, particularly BW, think and believe, the more I appreciate Evia’s emphasis on associating with “like-minded” people. I’m coming to believe that it’s absolutely vital.”

    Exactly. Having people who don’t share your core values inside your inner circle creates conflict, problems and hindrances.
    ___________________________________________________

    ForeverLoyal,

    You said, “I have one or two women in my family/circle with OOW children who have tried to get me to help. (And those who do not have kids but are grass-hopperish in other, severe ways) My response has been, no. No I can’t watch your kids, I have enough to deal with handling my own. No I cannot loan/(give!) you money, I have my own kids/self to feed/clothe.

    Since I do not currently bring in income, what these people are REALLY asking is that my husband support THEM. Uh, no.”

    Exactly! We have to be clear. The Grasshopper Provision Plan consists entirely of: (1) draining us of OUR resources; (2) sucking OUR blood, and (3) taking food off OUR tables!

    I say “NO!” to that!
    _____________________________________________

    Halima,

    You said, “Khadija once, a long while ago, i used to think some of these folks where championing the black cause. what they are actually doing is fighting for black people to have the right to self destruct (through their choices) if they so desire!”

    Like I said in the post, I think there are a multiplicity of motives going on with the BW who cheerlead grasshopper-dom. Including some dishonest, and bad-faith ones.

    You said, “the sadest thing of it all is that many of the folk they are enabling in their self-destruction dont even know this, but think these ones are there to lift them out of the mire, and are saying and doing what they are, as a part of some grand ‘rescue’ operation in swing!”

    Foolish, childish people don’t understand that sometimes affirmation of the wrong things is a way of killing folks softly (the Gabby Sidibe cover, etc.). Oh, well.
    _____________________________________________________

    Oshun/Aphrodite,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “I am late regarding NWNW. I went back and read some of the blogger posts and responses and I can’t articulate my feelings. I do agree that at least everything is more out in the open as far as the damaged/damaging elements in the defunct BC.

    I think NWNW is an awesome movement. I don’t see how anyone in their right minds could critique it.

    That’s my point. These naysayers are NOT in their right minds. They’re functionally insane. It’s good that they’re exposing how damaged they are. The better for the rest of us to step over and step around them.

    You said, “The final straw for me was when this woman asked: What makes a person emotionally, financially ready to have a child? Who makes that determination and who sets that standard? Or something to that effect. I have been thinking about that for several days. I can’t get it out of my mind. I don’t understand how an adult can be “there” at that place where they ask that kind of question in all seriousness.

    Some physically adult person forming their lips to say something like THAT is the culmination of the mass modern AA rejection of the very idea of having any kind of standards.

    You said, “But this right here is proof in my mind that many AAs are totally insane. You are right folks are outside of human norms for real for real. You have always said that and I got it intellectually, but it fills me with fear to actually see it in action and recognize it – on such a massive scale.”

    Yes, these grasshoppers are utterly insane. FOR REAL. They are a menace to every sane person around them. In these turbulent times, every “ant” who is SERIOUS about surviving and thriving must get clear of these deranged grasshoppers. And purify our personal social networks of grasshoppers.
    _________________________________________________

    MissGlamtastic(Tia),

    You’re welcome; and thank you for your kind words about the post—I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “The lengths some will go to criticize the need for marriage is insane! These critics are quick to point out the rate for failed marriages-but with the never married rate of BW, is it really reasonable to say, “Your marriage has a 50% chance of success, so no need to even try”? You have a 100% chance of being a single mother if you have children OOW! Their logic is flawed and it disregards a union that has proven beneficial to the 6000+ years of human civilization. How they think they can outsmart a institution that is over 6 milleniums in the making is beyond me.”

    Yes, what they’re saying is CRAZY. They are totally ignoring the fact that a woman and her children legally start off AHEAD when there’s a marriage, and the children are born during that marriage. For one example, in my jurisdiction a child born during the course of a marriage is legally PRESUMED to be the husband’s child. The soon-to-be ex-husband has an assumed duty to financially support that child. It’s on him to produce some sort of evidence that the child isn’t his.

    The grasshoppers are dangerously insane.
    _____________________________________________

    Sisterlocgirl,

    Thank you for your support and for your kind words about the book and blog; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “As my parents always used to tell me ” Show me your friends and i’ll tell you who you are.”

    They’re right. I’ve read similar observations made about people’s incomes—that one’s income is ususally somewhere around the average of the incomes of their 5 closes acquaintances. From what I’ve seen, that’s about right. I’ve noticed that the high-salary grasshoppers who associate with low-income grasshoppers tend to mismanage and squander the money they get from their jobs. This sort of thing is why my “up from the hood, hater-striver” AA female previous supervisor makes MUCH more than me, but has MUCH less to show for it.

    You said, “You can not waste your time, effort or energies associating with people who don’t have the common sense to make decisions that are in their own best interests.”

    Indeed.

    Expect Success!

    • Truth P says:

      “Furthermore, I’ve noted that more than a few of the naysayers are married BW who are doing the hypocritical White fake liberal thing. The bad-faith thing of saying that babymama-hood is just fine and dandy for all those other Negresses out there. Even though it wasn’t fine and dandy for them when they made their choices about childbearing.

      These married and holding out for marriage before chilbearing naysayers are ants supporting grasshopper-dom for others! That’s some bad-faith mess…”

      Yes it is some mess and you know what there were black women who were married to black men doing this.Some of these women are sick.I personally have witnessed some of those women previously crucify black women to an open shame becaause of the bad choices made by some and now that we might do better they want to shut us up and keep us down.They dissect the lives of AA women in public to our shame,telling us how messed up we are but when we make life affirming choices they still hate us.They remind me of the KKK.The KKK likes to talk ish and hate on the black male thugs and ignant’ baby momma’s but they also hate the black doctors and lawyers too.We need to recognize who we’re dealing with.

      • TruthP.,

        Yes, this is sick. And a lot of these women do hate other BW. Like you said, We need to recognize who we’re dealing with.”

        Expect Success!

        • pioneervalleywoman says:

          “The bad-faith thing of saying that babymama-hood is just fine and dandy for all those other Negresses out there. Even though it wasn’t fine and dandy for them when they made their choices about childbearing…”

          My observation: Putting aside the possibility they hate other black women, the important thing as well is that because a number of these types of women work in social services, they see other black women as mere tools to their agenda, namely funding for their programming and jobs!

          The more they support a need for “programs,” the more money they can fight for, whether in the non-profit or public sectors. They do not benefit when Shenaynay has her act together; they benefit the more Shenaynay is dysfunctional. Thus, they will support a double standard, one for themselves and one for those whom they might very well have contempt for, their clients.

          • Oshun/Aphrodite says:

            PVW you are always breaking it down!

            I read one blog rebuttal where the woman said just that – her personal belief was NWNW, but that won’t work for other BW. I never considered this angle- that there are some BW who are profiting from the misery and destruction of other BW.

  11. Nikita,

    You said, “All of the ridiculous intellectualizing about NWNW just ticked me off. The truth is, I think most of these folks in our community took it personal because they felt like it attacked their mother, themselves or some highly valued family member. Bump the fact that the daily facts say that AA children are suffering and engaging in horrible behavior and practices.”

    Yes, these people are putting their and other adults’ egos and hurt feelings OVER the survival of AA children. Which is quite telling on their part.

    You said, “I read so many of these crazy folks complaining about the moralizing that they saw going on. I read no solutions or assistance to strengthen this movement being offered. Then I wondered to myself what in the heck was wrong with morals? Nobody has problems w/moralizing until it comes to relationships and pointing our irresponsibility and accountability. Then I watched the news and read the paper and see AA children acting out and hurting/killing folks because they are not being raised, because their folks are not fit to be parents in the first place. For some reason these folks who are complaining about NWNW lack the wisdom to make the connection or, are as I continue to suspect, to emotionally vested because of their own situation to see beyond their bad decisions.”

    Yep. Again, extreme immaturity and self-absorption. In fact, I would call it all “ethically INSANE.”

    Before psychiatry had the concept of psychopaths, there was what used to be called “moral insanity:

    “”The term ‘moral insanity’ is unfamiliar to psychiatrists today, but it was an accepted diagnosis in Europe and America throughout most of the 19th century. As late as 1883, the American Journal of Insanity (forerunner of the American Journal of Psychiatry) published an article titled ‘Moral Insanity.’ Individuals who retained their intellectual capacity but harbored strange and unrealistic ideas had puzzled European physicians of the 18th century.

    . . . Dr. J.C. Prichard (1786-1848) of England is credited with being the first to use the term moral insanity. In 1835 he wrote: ‘There is a form of mental derangement in which the intellectual faculties [are uninjured], while the disorder is manifested principally or alone in the state of feelings, temper, or habits. . .The moral. . . principles of the mind. . . are depraved or perverted, the power of self-government is lost or greatly impaired, and the individual is. . . incapable. . . of conducting himself with decency and propriety in the business of life.'”

    Moral Insanity: A Brief History, by Lucy Ozarin, M.D., M.P.H., Psychiatric News May 18, 2001Volume 36 Number 10, American Psychiatric Association, p. 21.

    Since I don’t like the ugly connotations that right-wing, Christian religious fanatics have created around the word “moral,” let’s call it ethical insanity. I think that in many ways it’s a better term than “sociopath/psychopath” because it gives a more precise flavor of what’s wrong with so many people. I think the term “ethical insanity” also helps us to see the nuances between people who aren’t quite psychopaths, yet are still far outside the bounds of human decency and propriety.

    The African-American collective is TEEMING with ethically insane individuals. Individuals who retain their intellectual capacity but harbor strange and depraved ideas that are far outside the bounds of decency and propriety.

    We’ve seen examples of ethical insanity with the strange and depraved ideas voiced by a number of African-Americans regarding the Dunbar Village gang rape case. We’ve seen examples of ethical insanity with the strange and depraved priorities of many of our (mis)leaders.

    http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2009/08/catalog-of-ethical-insanity-part-1-down.html

    You said, “Marriage and a family unit is the best way to raise healthy kids everyone should know by now that nothing, sans God for believers, is an absolute. Some of these folks seem to have a great deal of rage, anger, pain or resentment because of the perceived judgment of their personal situation more than an actual legitimate argument. Introspection and honesty is hard for most people and but is necessary for both growth and change. Let those who are willing to condemn themselves by walking in confusionn continue on without me.”

    Indeed. I don’t want these grasshoppers anywhere near me. Let them do whatever they want to do away from me, and without access to MY resources. As I recently said over at Faith’s house, I’m sick of my tax dollars being used to support them and their madness. I have better uses for that money.

    Expect Success!

  12. I can’t find words. Just humility, gatitude and a heart so full it could burst.

    I love you.

    Onward,

    Christelyn D. Karazin

    • Christelyn,

      You’re welcome, and THANK YOU for being a steadfast proponent of common sense and for AA children having a decent quality of life! May God bless you!

      I know my own limitations. And I knew that I don’t have the patience to be bothered with the predictable barrage of insanity that was sure to come in response to your NWNW initiative. There are some conversations that I can’t productively participate in.

      In Gratitude,
      Khadija Nassif

    • Truth P. says:

      I noticed Christelyn recieved some hate because of her choice to mate out as if she is no longer a black woman.I don’t understand why.Christelyn was addressing black WOMEN with the message.I could understand if she’d said something about black men but she really focused on black WOMEN and Girls.
      The people who tried to make her marriage choice an issue made no sense to say that nothing she said was valid it’s not like she was discussing the messed up state of bm/bw relationships with the NWNW campaign.She just suggested black Women control our bodies and our future by not having kids oow.She’s a black woman with a beautiful black daughter why wouldn’t she stand against the OOW crap?

  13. Karen R. says:

    It seems that the thinking around the issue of OOW births has moved from tolerance, toward acceptance and now we are at a state of all-out approval as if this choice (OOW childbirth) is EQUIVALENT to the choice to have a baby within the bounds of marriage. It used to be that there was a level of healthy shame directed toward an unwed mother to remind her that although she has value and her baby has value and worth, this choice was not what was best for her or her child. Now, all bets are off as the grasshoppers argue that there is no difference in an OOW birth and one between two married people, totally ignoring the financial and psychological consequences of raising a child without the protections and provisions that exist within marriage.

    I was reminded about the protections of marriage last March when a friend from church lost her husband in a car crash. He was an FBI agent killed in the line of duty. The outpouring of support that she received from the community both emotionally and financially (she is WELL taken care of by her late husband) would not have existed for her to the degree that it did had she not been married!

    We need to recognize that after 40+ years of our whining, compassion fatigue has set in for those in the larger society with the resources to help or provide financial assistance in terms of programming, etc. to help with this issue. They (other Americans) aren’t going to care more than we do, and it appears based on the current conditions that exist in all-black ghettos that the BC doesn’t care. OOW childrearing is not only the acceptable it is now the norm as we see many AA women have multiple children with multiple fathers.
    One consequence of this foolishness is that we have a bunch of grasshoppers who not only fail to plan and have no resources of their own, they feel entitled to the resources of others. What is ultimately going to happen is that these people with limited resources and no cultural capital or financial leverage are going to be walled in and walled off from the rest of us and left to their own devices to destroy themselves.

  14. I was so disappointed concerning what a lot of the criticisms of NWNW. And a lot of these are bloggers I usually agree with.

    I couldn’t believe that they were trying to take down a movement focused on individually powering black women!!

    Yes, there’s racism, sexism, classism, every other ism that affects women in this situation but that doesn’t mean there aren’t things you can do to mitigate the effect of those forces in your life. And having a baby by yourself before you adequately prepared to take care of it makes everything harder.

    I also read a lot of things concerning revolution and re-building society. Assuming I agree, how are you going to do such a thing when you can’t afford your baby’s pampers or can’t find anyone for your child to stay with?

    And that’s what really got my ears steaming: these women were okaying less-than optimal choices for women based on a future society they weren’t even helping to build!!!! These are the people who sit around complaining on tumblr, blogger, wordpress, etc all day and you probably couldn’t drag them to any kind of protest!

    They reminded me of why I (for the most part) never talk to my friends and family about social justice issues. I finally realized that if I wasn’t willing to put my money, body, etc where my mouth was I must not be as serious about the issues as I think I am.

  15. Truth P says:

    I’m sorry Khadija but I couldn’t resist.These pro OOW grasshoppers are the biggest bunch of haters and they are really trying to take us sane black folks down with them.As you may know I recently did battle with a Pro OOW individual who claims to “find programs to support” the bastard children of other black women.This Pro OOw already has an oow child of their own they claim it’s by choice.This individual had every excuse known to man for us to not ring the alarm to save other black women and girls from the burning house and at first I really could’nt understand why.

    Eventually the Pro OOW individual told on their self here>”…[Khadija speaking: This portion quoted from the pro-OOW troll’s comments at another blog—I haven’t asked the other blogger’s permission to quote a comment submitted at her blog, so I deleted this portion of Truth P.’s comment]

    I promise you I ain’t tryin to start no drama Khadija but who in the hell wants that kinda life?I really believe that individual does hate black women and girls.I believe it’s a misery loves company situation.I also have at times believed this individual was not a black woman but given how evil and male identified some AAW can be I really don’t know.

    Also I am glad you linked to that post at NWNW.I loved the burning building analogy made. I just realized something,Men have sex with women they (HATE)all the time.This is one of my biggest reasons why I have not had oow children myself.These men don’t just dislike,are’nt just not compatible with, the women they have sex with but they actually HATE some of the women they have sex with.For Real.Some of these men hate the women they have sex with before she ever proves herself a “b*tch” or of bad character,before she has a baby with them,and before she files child support.I know we may already know this but it just clicked in my head.Think about KKK members having sex with non white women.Think of black men sexing black women and plotting to exterminate us behind the computer.This situation we are facing is critical.Men will line up to take away from your life but how many of them will line up to add value to it?Only give those who elevate you your love and support.

    • TruthP.,

      You said, “I’m sorry Khadija but I couldn’t resist.These pro OOW grasshoppers are the biggest bunch of haters and they are really trying to take us sane black folks down with them.As you may know I recently did battle with a Pro OOW individual who claims to “find programs to support” the bastard children of other black women.This Pro OOw already has an oow child of their own they claim it’s by choice.This individual had every excuse known to man for us to not ring the alarm to save other black women and girls from the burning house and at first I really could’nt understand why.
      Eventually the Pro OOW individual told on their self here…[quotes from the pro-OOW troll’s comments at another blog]

      “I promise you I ain’t tryin to start no drama Khadija but who in the hell wants that kinda life?I really believe that individual does hate black women and girls.I believe it’s a misery loves company situation.I also have at times believed this individual was not a black woman but given how evil and male identified some AAW can be I really don’t know.”

      First, THANK YOU for being steadfast in support of common sense and survival during various conversations. Let me repeat a comment I made during a recent post,

      Faith,

      I just wanted to say “Thank You!” for taking the time to participate in the No Wedding, No Womb effort. Even though I knew that I don’t have the patience to respond appropriately to the foolishness that comes out of the woodwork whenever anybody challenges the “oow and single parenting are just fine” madness 🙁 , I’m thankful for the efforts of those folks who do.

      Thank you, Faith, Roslyn and Truth P. (who were both on fire over at the conversation at What About Our Daughters), and all the others who stood in support of common sense, sanity and survival during the No Wedding, No Womb efforts!

      Second, I do understand the temptation of arguing with that particular individual. More than once, I’ve had to resist the urge to do a post devoted to “blasting” her. This is because this broad’s behavior is consistently destructive to other BW and girls. Across the board. She consistently does everything she can to sabotage BW’s conversations about saving their own lives and dignity. She is consistently the loudest voice giving indignant, faux-sophisticated arguments in support of just about any degrading, soul-killing thing that AA women might be involved in. This is someone who defends stripping, and compares prostitution to working a cubicle job that one doesn’t like.

      Third, I believe that you’re correct. This woman represents an extreme case of misery loves company. For a long time, I was trying to figure out if this commenter was playing an extended practical joke with her comments. But AA women’s and girls’ collective circumstances are much too dire for jokes. Whether this individual calls herself playing Devil’s Advocate, playing a practical joke, or being a “resident contrarian,” she verbally supports the things that are DESTROYING AA women and girls. To hell with her….I don’t care what her problems are.

      But here’s the thing: The rest of us who DO want to survive and thrive can’t invest much time into fooling around with such individuals. We have to keep moving forward; and leave nuts like her behind.

      Expect Success!

      • pioneervalleywoman says:

        Indeed, the ethical insanity is unreal. To think that this person actively argues in support of babymamadom, and that she actually decided (quite logically in her mind) and in agreement with her baby daddy, to pursue that route, and she is struggling!

        According to her, just because many lower to average income blacks struggle financially and that supposedly poses a threat to their marriage (economic stress as a cause for marital discord), it is better to reject marriage altogether.

        Yet, there seemed to be no indication that she ever imagined a husband could help alleviate those burdens. Instead she sees herself as being in a better position than those who are holding out for marriage. She thinks of them as chumps!

        Moreover, babymamas who are not struggling, ie., of higher income, who chose to have babies on their own in their later years, join the other struggling ones in the chorus without acknowledging that the choices they pursued were not of the best–out of pride.

        And here is something important to think about, a means by which ants become vulnerable to the grasshoppers’ machinations.

        There are plenty of black women who let the baby-mamas talk to them like that because they themselves HAVE NOT RESOLVED THEIR ISSUES regarding hoping for marriage, not marrying, and then dealing with childlessness. So they are vulnerable to getting “beat down” and hanging their heads in shame when these heffas tell them “they got played.”

        These are women who know better, but they are more likely to join the chorus and say babymamadom is okay, because they are thinking that if they had become babymamas, they would have been in a better position. They might not have had a husband, but at least they would have had a child.

        • PioneerValleyWoman,

          Guurl, you’ve said a mouthful.

          You said, “Indeed, the ethical insanity is unreal. To think that this person actively argues in support of babymamadom, and that she actually decided (quite logically in her mind) and in agreement with her baby daddy, to pursue that route, and she is struggling!

          According to her, just because many lower to average income blacks struggle financially and that supposedly poses a threat to their marriage (economic stress as a cause for marital discord), it is better to reject marriage altogether.

          Yet, there seemed to be no indication that she ever imagined a husband could help alleviate those burdens. Instead she sees herself as being in a better position than those who are holding out for marriage. She thinks of them as chumps!

          Moreover, babymamas who are not struggling, ie., of higher income, who chose to have babies on their own in their later years, join the other struggling ones in the chorus without acknowledging that the choices they pursued were not of the best–out of pride.”

          This ties into the “listening with humility/can anybody tell you anything?” theme that I’ve mentioned during previous conversations. There comes a point as an adult when you have to put away childish things. And the refusal to admit (at least to one’s self) that one has made a mistake is one of those things. This false pride that so many of us cling to about various issues (fat acceptance, this oow madness, waiting for “nuthin’ but a BM” and then ending up single and childless as a result, mistakenly choosing a disloyal cheater as a husband, etc.) is literally KILLING us.

          I’m not saying that anybody has to ‘fess up to other people about the mistakes they’ve made, and whatever regrets those mistakes have caused. It’s usually unwise to expose one’s vulnerabilities to the public. But in order to move forward by making course corrections, you have to admit to yourself that you made an error in judgment!

          But most physically adult AAs are NOT willing to do that. And we suffer for that false pride.

          You said, “And here is something important to think about, a means by which ants become vulnerable to the grasshoppers’ machinations.

          There are plenty of black women who let the baby-mamas talk to them like that because they themselves HAVE NOT RESOLVED THEIR ISSUES regarding hoping for marriage, not marrying, and then dealing with childlessness. So they are vulnerable to getting “beat down” and hanging their heads in shame when these heffas tell them “they got played.”

          Yes, the Head Grasshopper-Troll at WAOD (that we’ve all been making oblique references to) unsuccessfully tried to beat down another commenter with that mess. Thankfully, the sensible other woman wasn’t having it.

          For a very long time, I’ve been totally sick of that particular heifer and her strident BS in support of everything and anything that’s killing AA women. Like I said, I’ve had to resist the urge to waste time “blasting” her in particular. Like the other ants, I need to continue gathering the plump kernels of corn that are on the field. As ForeverLoyal said, the leaves are falling. Winter is coming.

          And the ants went on with their work!

          • pioneervalleywoman says:

            Khadija, you said:

            I’m not saying that anybody has to ‘fess up to other people about the mistakes they’ve made, and whatever regrets those mistakes have caused. It’s usually unwise to expose one’s vulnerabilities to the public. But in order to move forward by making course corrections, you have to admit to yourself that you made an error in judgment!

            My reply:

            Exactly! You made a choice and got pregnant under less than ideal circumstances, or you tried, did everything right, but things didn’t work out the way you planned (lack of marriage and childlessness or marriage but infertility problems or pregnancy with a special needs child (Sarah Palin) in later years).

            These are all for you to deal with (ie., in therapy); but do not to provide the basis for the vultures to circle in and peck at you.

            Because when I think of it, this has been the basis for African American women to “other” themselves as hopeless and so forth–“stop putting your business (private pain) on the street!” The vultures are looking…

      • Browncow says:

        This is my very first reply to your site. I thank you for your common sense message and I try to pass on the wisdom to other women when I get the chance.

        As for misery loving company, my father has taught us that misery not only loves company, they DEMAND company in order to justify their own poor choices. They wish to take you down to their level because it would only get them angry to see you be successful. That way they have no excuse other than the fact that they made bad choices. The miserable need company. They DEMAND it.

        • Browncow,

          Welcome aboard! 🙂 Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it.

          Your father is absolutely correct about misery demanding company, and their motives for doing so.

          And the ants went on with their work!

      • LaJane Galt says:

        Not to beat a dead horse, but I have noticed that person’s comments too. When it got to the point that my responses to her became contemptuous, I realized I was sucked into dealing with a [possibly male] concern troll and checked out altogether. IMHO, she has had a palpable deleterious effect on such an important blog. I didn’t pick up on the misery aspect as she tends to paint a [defensive?] gloss on her situation.

        I would welcome a discussion on that type of person and the black middle class liberal guilt mentioned by a previous commenter.

        Anyhoo…
        ****
        Your point about “programs” is spot on. (“Programs” can’t substitute. They MIGHT alleviate SOME symptoms. Maybe.) It dovetails so neatly into your essay on “hegemony.”

        Folks forget who needs to propose, fund, vote for and otherwise administer that program. What is most perplexing to non-blacks who are otherwise sympathetic to poverty issues and racial disparities is the reluctance of many blacks to admit that we can actively combat (or at least not worsen) the ills that persistently and directly affect us with common sense. Remaining goodwill (which dwindles with time and demographic change) will evaporate as the ills that plague the underclass and working class areas are (1) normalized within the BC as a whole and (2) solely attributed to external factors.

        [I know I’m on a tangent, but bear with me. :)]

        I realize many readers live in mostly black environments and may not realize what “others” think. Some [new] readers may not “care” what others think. I’ve taken Khadijah’s cue and have exposed myself to some opinions/views that -while painful or offensive- upon further reflection merit some attention.

        I’ve mentioned that I live in a gentrified barrio/hood. The area is increasingly filled with liberal, Peace Corps, Spanish-speaking, Obama-loving, diversity is cool, white 20-30 somethings. Over the years, I have watched a shift in attitudes that should really worry the “Daddy, who needs him when we can have programs?!” crowd.

        These folks are about tired of black, fatherless children/adolescent/adults killing (in general, not just whites). They are sick of home invasions, sexual harrassment, assault (they throw rocks in DC and have jumped people solely b/c of their skin color). Most realize that there are systemic issues. All can see the mass counterproductive attitudes to intact families that create and exacerbate these issues. It makes no sense to them, as it is so blatantly destructive. Note that these folks do not necessarily limit their concerns to themselves (they aren’t right-wingers); however, they naturally consider what is good for kith and kin first.

        What I’m trying to say (whew) is that “programs” seemed like a good idea to these whites when they lived in the suburbs and -frankly- did not have to deal with this dysfunction. “Programs” are appealing in the abstract. But when push comes to shove and Ray Ray is screaming obscenities at their wives or shooting in front of their home, f- midnight basketball – they will call the cops/strengthen zoning laws/repeal rent control.

        Too many people are enabling and excusing aberrant behavior by forgoing common sense to a point that people who are ordinarily sympathetic have thrown up their hands. Like it or not…to have those desired “programs”, you need the support of those people. Nobody will help someone who doesn’t care about themselves. Constant denial, obfuscation and lack of common sense actually subvert the goals of those who are begging for the “programs”.

        In sum, the grasshoppers are begging for (demanding) help from people who their offspring terrorize.

        • LaJane Galt,

          You said, “I would welcome a discussion on that type of person and the black middle class liberal guilt mentioned by a previous commenter.”

          I’ll meditate on that and see if there’s a productive way to frame the questions around all of that.

          You said, “Folks forget who needs to propose, fund, vote for and otherwise administer that program.

          …What I’m trying to say (whew) is that “programs” seemed like a good idea to these whites when they lived in the suburbs and -frankly- did not have to deal with this dysfunction. “Programs” are appealing in the abstract. But when push comes to shove and Ray Ray is screaming obscenities at their wives or shooting in front of their home, f- midnight basketball – they will call the cops/strengthen zoning laws/repeal rent control.

          Too many people are enabling and excusing aberrant behavior by forgoing common sense to a point that people who are ordinarily sympathetic have thrown up their hands.”

          We’re at that point. AAs have used up what little good will was left for us and our perpetual issues. As you’ve mentioned during earlier conversations, these American White folks of good will have found new “mascots” for their compassion: the (portray themselves as hardworking and therefore deserving of compassion) Latinos.

          Another factor in the end of pity/good will toward AAs is the presence of a Black (-ish—him being half-Other was a key factor in many non-Blacks voting for him) man in the White House. I warned of this price tag to having a Black president during the very first post at the previous blog:

          3. In the midst of frolicking in our Obama-mania, most Black people haven’t thought through the repercussions of having Sen. Obama elected.

          4. For example, if Sen. Obama is elected president this means that the days of crying to Whites about racism are OVER. For real. They won’t entertain that noise anymore. They will say that racism can’t be that bad—after all, a Black (sort-of) man was elected president.

          [For the purposes of this discussion, I won’t go into detail about how in order to be the first viable “Black” presidential candidate, it seems that the candidate must be half-Other and half-foreign origin. In order to have a serious chance to be the first Black president, it helps that Sen. Obama is half-White and half-something-other-than-African-American. Politically, this is a a new “paper bag test” in operation.]

          5. Black leadership (such as it is) does not have any other strategy beyond protesting racism. Collectively, Black folks don’t have a back-up plan. This is a problem.

          6. If elected, a Pres. Obama will feel the need to prove to Whites that he’s not partial to us. He will do this by ignoring our issues and problems. There won’t be any help coming from an Obama Administration. Not specifically for Black folks.

          7. Because Black folks are addicted to symbol over substance, most of us will continue to support a Pres. Obama no matter what he does. Even while he literally ignores us to death. After all, we “gotta support a brother.” We love seeing Black faces in high places. Even when these Black-skinned folks do a great deal of damage to our interests. [For examples, see Black folks’ continued expressions of support and admiration for Colin Powell, Condoleeza Rice, etc.]

          http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2008/09/reading-list-for-2nd-great-depression.html

          Bottom line: Other Americans are SICK of grasshopper-AAs. And I predict that these other people (including other POC that we mistakenly assume are our friends) will react with escalating hostility and force if we try our traditional shakedown methods of “If you don’t give us programs, we’ll protest or riot.” Most of us don’t realize this shift in mood because we only consume media that is in agreement with our political views.

          It’s a new, post-9/11 day. It wouldn’t take much effort at all for the feds to characterize our traditional, politically obsolete shakedown protest methods as “terrorist conspiracies.”

          And the ants went on with their work!

    • ak says:

      Yes these ‘nothin but a BM’ black women are so focused on not dating or talking to non-black men that they’d rather give their future children DBR ‘fathers’ who hate their children and their children’s mothers because they hate their own image in the mirror. And these BW really go on as if they really think that BM will turn around and act like they care if only the black women would hold out for the ‘just a little while longer’.

      I long to live for the day when I see BW’s eyes just open up to the fact that the DBR thugs around them that they keep supporting and praising absolutely HATE them and will never take notice of them, especially when the women are dark skinned but even when the BW are not.

      I can’t wrap my head around how a black woman, understandably, cannot willingly have sex with a white or non-black man who hates her, but she finds it peachy keen to have sex with a black man who hates her and who shows that he hates her by his shoddy treatment or her and his language towards her. And BW like these ones think it really ‘sweetens the deal’ that they are ‘at least’ left pregnant by the guy, but then wonder why a man that hates them doesn’t want to see them again to support his biological child?

      Wha…??? If he hates you, then he hates everything that ever came from you or that is permanently linked to you, sadly that means your kid, because he never wants to see you again. Especially if your child came from a one night stand situation.

  16. Hodan says:

    Man, this is the best post you did among the many previous great work. I was debating or arguing with a lady who reacted in an interesting way to Christelyn NWNW movement as some kind of blaming the black community….while she proceeded to blame every failure within same community on slavery and Jim Crow. Honestly, I’ve tried to dialog with her that its not the ‘white man’ who is killing, molesting, raping black girls/women, its black men, while the black community stand by and ignore the issue:

    http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/interracial-daters-leads-to-mass-genocide/#comments

    Its in my nature to always seek civil discourse in any topic, but I just don’t understand how the woman in the above link keeps blaming everything on black people’s past struggle, without realizing taking ownership and responsibility for your own failure does not mean forgetting the struggle against bigotry. She even argued that we should understand how ‘slavery’ played a role in why black men abuse & rape black girls. In other words, white racism is ‘making’ black men being utter failure by and large in North America…..I so get your reference to grasshoppers.

    Khadija:
    “# Don’t understand that “programs” cannot replace family.
    # Don’t understand that the last few decades of “programs” have not worked; even in the context of a functioning economy. The economy is no longer functioning.”

    Hodan: tell me about it. I work in the non-profit industry with youth and newcomers. I know for a fact no amount of programs and government/business investment in the black community will ever make a difference, whether its in education or family structure. Unless the black community as a group and as an individual realize the rotten eggs on their faces: lack of appreciation for higher education, unwed and unfit teen mothers, imprisoned male teens and adults, the snitch phenomenon that foster a culture where criminality and inhuman acts are tolerated if not protected,etc, etc, etc. In fact, I’m sick and tired of blaming white people for every $hit that exist in our communities. Every other minorities have been screwed by white Europeans, yet they don’t use it as an excuse not to succeed in their countries.

    Khadija:”Don’t understand that, after 40+ years of our whining, other Americans are not going to rearrange their society to accommodate African-Americans’ refusal to form families. This restructuring won’t happen now, or any time in the foreseeable future. Other people will simply continue to leave us behind. To die in our foolishness.”

    Hodan: Exactly, I see young African boys whose parents and grandparents immigrated to Canada and US for better life screwing up their opportunities by imitating the cultural norm of thuggery, gangsta-wannabees in the already existing black communities. Now in Toronto, Somalians, Ethiopians, Ghanaians and other youth of African background are replacing Caribbean youth in the juvenile and prison system. A month doesn’t go by without me hearing about a family where a family lost their teen son to gang shoot out…..it enrages me to the extend that I told my mom and others, I have no will to help because idiots like these boys have no will to help themselves. Let the fittest survive, I’m sick and tired of seeing black women trying to safe people who have no interest in saving themselves.

    Khadija: “I say “act and live as if” because I’m not entirely convinced the majority of Black women grasshoppers sincerely believe this foolishness they spout. I believe that many of them adopt grasshopper ideology because doing otherwise would mean the end of “nuthin’ but a brother” business as usual.”

    Hodan: I agree, these women, who otherwise are actually successful in their professional life with advance education and established career drop their human instinct for self preservation and intellect the moment the status quot is challenged. Whether married or single, these women are loyal to men/boys who will push them to the ditch to get ‘theirs’…..if not harm them in someway. Talk about misplaced loyalty.

    Khadija: “I suggest that you also don’t waste much time and energy on grasshoppers. Let the grasshoppers live in denial and delusion. They’re irrelevant to everything that matters; including your efforts to move forward in the real world. However, it is important to remove any remaining grasshoppers from your social networks.”

    Hodan: I’m trying, but its so hard not to at lease give some words of advice to these people.

  17. Gina says:

    Excellent as always. I’m actually glad you waited to post about the reaction.
    As I’ve been watching the conversation continue, I think the most successful aspect of NWNW Day was that it smoked out every insane “argument” to the contrary. For that reason alone, it was a strategic victory.

  18. KarenR.,

    You said, “We need to recognize that after 40+ years of our whining, compassion fatigue has set in for those in the larger society with the resources to help or provide financial assistance in terms of programming, etc. to help with this issue. They (other Americans) aren’t going to care more than we do, and it appears based on the current conditions that exist in all-black ghettos that the BC doesn’t care.

    …It seems that the thinking around the issue of OOW births has moved from tolerance, toward acceptance and now we are at a state of all-out approval as if this choice (OOW childbirth) is EQUIVALENT to the choice to have a baby within the bounds of marriage.”

    Yep. One can see the progression as the grasshoppers’ beliefs have gotten further and further detached from reality.

    You said, “One consequence of this foolishness is that we have a bunch of grasshoppers who not only fail to plan and have no resources of their own, they feel entitled to the resources of others. What is ultimately going to happen is that these people with limited resources and no cultural capital or financial leverage are going to be walled in and walled off from the rest of us and left to their own devices to destroy themselves.”

    Yes, that’s how this sorry little tale will end. That’s why those of us who are sane need to get clear of the grasshoppers and run for our lives out of Black residential areas. Before the peace walls and other physical barricades go up (to keep the violent crime contained within these places).
    ________________________________________

    RevolutionaryAndJoyful,

    You said, “I was so disappointed concerning what a lot of the criticisms of NWNW. And a lot of these are bloggers I usually agree with. I couldn’t believe that they were trying to take down a movement focused on individually powering black women!!

    …I also read a lot of things concerning revolution and re-building society. Assuming I agree, how are you going to do such a thing when you can’t afford your baby’s pampers or can’t find anyone for your child to stay with?

    And that’s what really got my ears steaming: these women were okaying less-than optimal choices for women based on a future society they weren’t even helping to build!!!! These are the people who sit around complaining on tumblr, blogger, wordpress, etc all day and you probably couldn’t drag them to any kind of protest!”

    Well, this is why I’m so happy that so many of these grasshoppers outed themselves as grasshoppers. There are going to be points of disagreements and outright blind spots in terms of anybody’s views. But when someobody loudly advocates something destructive that is totally contrary to basic, HUMAN norms, then one needs to be extra cautious about listening to that individual.
    _________________________________________

    Hodan,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “… tell me about it. I work in the non-profit industry with youth and newcomers. I know for a fact no amount of programs and government/business investment in the black community will ever make a difference, whether its in education or family structure. Unless the black community as a group and as an individual realize the rotten eggs on their faces: lack of appreciation for higher education, unwed and unfit teen mothers, imprisoned male teens and adults, the snitch phenomenon that foster a culture where criminality and inhuman acts are tolerated if not protected,etc, etc, etc.”

    Oh no, that’s not going to happen on any mass level. Which is why it’s a “wrap” on the now-dead Black community. Game over; and long past time for the survivors to move on and attach themselves to living collectives and environments.

    Expect Success!

    • kandika says:

      Yes, I may add: If we don’t care about our own, what makes a person think others should care about us? On the other hand, if your pregnant, its best to HAVE the baby and putting it up for adoption instead of abortion. You can call Birthright and others to find parents who want to adopt

      • Kandika,

        Best for who to “have the baby”? I summed up my thoughts about irresponsible AA Protestant forced-birthers during the conversation about the “Inception And African-Americans” post. [I specify Protestant because the Catholic Church took the time and effort to build a social service infrastructure to deal with unwanted pregnancies. Not so the religious American Negroes (be they Protestant or Muslim). The forced-birth American Negroes want the government or White organizations to clean up the mess created by unwanted AA pregnancies.]

        http://sojournerspassport.com/inception-and-african-americans/#comments

        And the ants went on with their work!

  19. jacquetta says:

    Absolutely amazing! I wish I knew you and all of these commenters. I contributed to NWNW with a sarcastic piece and I was amazed at how many of the ideas I expressed were later expressed by grasshopper and their enablers in serious discourse. Bravo.

  20. Gina,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “As I’ve been watching the conversation continue, I think the most successful aspect of NWNW Day was that it smoked out every insane “argument” to the contrary. For that reason alone, it was a strategic victory.”

    ITA. That’s why I was pleased to see so many covert grasshoppers out themselves. So folks can more carefully scrutinize the rest of whatever they’re saying. Another benefit is that more people will recognize these Fake-Sophisticated-Yet-Crazy arguments for what they are the next time the grasshoppers use them (in support of something else that’s not so obviously crazy).
    _________________________________________________

    Jacquetta,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “I contributed to NWNW with a sarcastic piece and I was amazed at how many of the ideas I expressed were later expressed by grasshopper and their enablers in serious discourse.”

    {slipping into Ebonics} Guurl, they crazy…{shaking my head}

    Expect Success!

  21. Faith says:

    Aside from the black people tearing at addressing this and so many other ills, I’ve taken note of the non-blacks who’ve felt oh so free to tell us what to do. I had to address one blogger in particular a Latino male because he had the nerve the take an excerpt out of my post to tie it with the black grasshoppers to play us off each other. I was not going to let him get away with that. Since he refused to offer any solutionas I specifically asked I put him on blast at his blog as well as the NWNW site. It’s so obvious these others do not care about the well-being of blacks but even moreso are actively engaging in keeping us down because it benefits their status quo. I’m not having it! I’ve definitely taken notice of a few people I held in higher esteem who’ve also been obfuscating. It’s been weird seeing others who have sent poisonous messages to black women at other times claim to support NWNW as well. This means that our efforts have begun to be noticed on a larger scale beyond our blogs. Earlier this week BlogHer syndicated my post on the ad network for 2 days. That was huge. We can’t let the criminals and turncoat guards take over the prison.

  22. Everyone,

    I couldn’t resist {chuckling}:

    The Grasshopper and the Ants

    In a field one summer’s day a grasshopper was hopping about, chirping and singing to its heart’s content. A group of ants walked by, grunting as they struggled to carry plump kernels of corn.

    “Where are you going with those heavy things?” asked the grasshopper.

    Without stopping, the first ant replied, “To our ant hill. This is the third kernel I’ve delivered today.”

    “Why not come and sing with me,” teased the grasshopper, “instead of working so hard?”

    “We are helping to store food for the winter,” said the ant, “and think you should do the same.”

    “Winter is far away and it is a glorious day to play,” sang the grasshopper.

    But the ants went on their way and continued their hard work.

    The weather soon turned cold. All the food lying in the field was covered with a thick white blanket of snow that even the grasshopper could not dig through. Soon the grasshopper found itself dying of hunger.

    He staggered to the ants’ hill and saw them handing out corn from the stores they had collected in the summer. He begged them for something to eat.

    “What!” cried the ants in surprise, “haven’t you stored anything away for the winter? What in the world were you doing all last summer?”

    “I didn’t have time to store any food,” complained the grasshopper; “I was so busy playing music that before I knew it the summer was gone.”

    The ants shook their heads in disgust, turned their backs on the grasshopper and went on with their work.

    Don’t forget — there is a time for work and a time for play!”

    http://www.dltk-teach.com/fables/grasshopper/mstory.htm

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    {chuckling}

    I think my sign-off for this conversation will be: “And the ants went on with their work!” {more chuckling}

    And The Ants Went On With Their Work!

  23. blk_dahlia says:

    I read your post in rapt awe it was wonderful, hope I’m not being a kiss a** LOL. As most of the ladies here I’m just utterly astounded at the criticisms of NWNW which run from the sublime to the ridiculous. I’ve never been a champion of the black community, mostly champion of myself that’s why I date IR but I felt that since I was black that maybe I needed to at least give them the benefit of the doubt and hear what they had to say. Well, after seeing and reading the critics of NWNW no more, I’m done I’m leaving the wagon train. The scales have fallen from my eyes and a community I thought maybe was in a little of downward swirl is now going down the proverbial toilet. I’m sick to death of hearing how slavery is to blame for the ills of the bc, when not one of us has been a slave. It’s overkill and insulting to my ancestors who suffered under slavery and still got married and took care of families. It seems black people don’t want to do anything, its seem to not want to be held accountable or responsible. It seems to believe that all the messes of their lives just happened on accident and they have nothing to do with it. And now that have made that mess, they want me to come and subsidize the mess while the go over there and make another one. And I’m really sick of others coming in and saying well it’s okay, you’re stupid n-words you can’t help yourselves so it’s okay and petting black women who play into that dreck on the head like dogs. I’m sorry to say I was holding out hope, thinking maybe we weren’t as effed up as I thought we were but now I give up. If some folks in the bc don’t want to be saved, who cares, they can go down with the rest the nitwits on the ship of fools. I’m done, I’m helping me and mine and those that I know who want to actually be different and change the destructive patterns of their lives. I’ll be giving them my wisdom, everyone else be d@mned.

  24. I haven’t posted here before but I had to just address how the mainstream bloggers are trying to make this movement all about them. They’re so focused on “slut shaming” and “finger pointing” as it affects them, they’re not focused on the fallout of what OOW children means to the black community where these same children are being born but are not being “raised.” One blogger I read tried to make it a class issue, stating that poor women had just as much rights as upper class women to have children. Well, as far as I’m concerned if you’re struggling financially, you don’t have a right to bring a child into your predicament. Having children is a privilege, not a right, but many don’t really understand that.

    Also, humanity has to be instilled in these children (it’s not picked up through osmosis). If the instiller has faulty socializing skills (which is the case with many young mothers who are in their teens or barely out of their teens), the children may not learn empathy, charity, or learn to appreciate the rights of others. I posted over at Racialicious (this early morning) b/c it just galled me how others outside “the community” refuse to see the bigger picture (just as they are equally dismissive of the sexual street harassment black women go through…usually by those who are the worst results of these OOW numbers).

    • ZooPath says:

      @Sharon: I’m a regular Racialicious reader, too but I knew before they even posted anything that progressive ideology was going to win out over the reality of what is actually best for black children. I choose not to even read it because it will just make me angry. No one wants to acknowledge that our country is moving towards less of a social safety net, not more! Between our debt, declining economy and Teaparty nonsense, there’s a whole lot of people who are going to have to suddenly face the full consequences of their irresponsible behavior. The days of Section 8, “crazy money” and other such “programs” will soon come to a close. All the progressive ideology in the world doesn’t change the reality that it takes money to feed, cloth or house a family.

      • Racialicious jumped the shark for me when they posted an article about the “heteronormative” nature of the movie Wall-E. Huh? I’m as open-minded as anyone, but no, I’m not taking my 6 year old to a movie featuring a quasi-romantic relationship between two gay robots. Anything can be taken to an extreme and they go there too regularly for my taste.

        • ak says:

          This sounds silly but when they advertised Wall-E I thought that the white robot in it was a girl robot? It’s sad that I’m even saying this….

  25. Faith,

    You said, “Aside from the black people tearing at addressing this and so many other ills, I’ve taken note of the non-blacks who’ve felt oh so free to tell us what to do. I had to address one blogger in particular a Latino male because he had the nerve the take an excerpt out of my post to tie it with the black grasshoppers to play us off each other. I was not going to let him get away with that. Since he refused to offer any solutionas I specifically asked I put him on blast at his blog as well as the NWNW site. It’s so obvious these others do not care about the well-being of blacks but even moreso are actively engaging in keeping us down because it benefits their status quo.”

    Well, this is to be expected. Non-AA “ants” understand that this is a competitive world. They are highly vested in the status quo of mass AA Grasshopper Derangement Syndrome—where grasshopper ideas are promoted among AAs in general. These other “ants” are vested in the status quo because they don’t want to see more AAs become competitive with them. Which is what would happen if more of us abandon deranged grasshopper ideology.

    I’ll probably get to this in a future post in The Art of Stealth series, but there’s a LONG history of non-AA outsiders stridently advising AAs to do something other than what these people did for themselves. AAs invite others to give us “Do as I say, and NOT as I did for myself” deliberate bad advice by being so gullible. And by allowing outsiders to interject themselves—willy nilly and at will—into our business.

    This “Do as I say, and NOT as I did for myself” is at the core of the hypocrisy of 2 immigrant origin Black bloggers (that I got into it with) who object to AA women saving their own lives by fleeing Black residential areas. These 2 coloreds left their own Black countries to come to majority-White US, but they insist that AA women “stay and fight” in dangerous US Black residential areas.

    As I said at the previous blog,

    Obviously, there must be some sort of a problem in her Black country. Masses of people don’t just leave their own country for no reason. [Caribbean-origin blogger] didn’t “stay and fight” to improve conditions in her Black country. Her immediate family didn’t “stay and fight” to improve conditions in their Black country. THEY LEFT.

    It was okay for her and her family to “cut and run” from their Black country to seek a better life in majority-White America, but she demands that African-Americans “stay and fight” to improve conditions in U.S. Black residential areas.

    When a commenter points out to [Caribbean-origin blogger] that she divested herself, and is part of a “brain drain” fleeing her own Black country, she’s quick to justify it: She still gives back to her Black country, yadda, yadda, yadda. Okay, fine. I don’t have a problem with people seeking out what’s best for themselves. My issue only starts when these same individuals want to block MY people from seeking out what’s best for ourselves. If it wasn’t “defeatist” for her and her immediate family to seek out a better life AWAY from her Black country, it’s equally not “defeatist” for African-American women to seek out better lives AWAY from Black residential areas.

    Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time that outsiders have deliberately given African-Americans advice that they didn’t follow for themselves. Many Jewish-Americans did the same thing throughout the 1960s. Jewish-Americans did not solve their problems with anti-Semitism by having protest marches. They solved their problems through education, and building Jewish businesses that could offer employment to Jewish people. However, whenever African-Americans attempt the same strategies, Jews (and other White Americans) have been quick to tell us that this is “separatism” and something that we shouldn’t do.

    The true test of what people really think is a good strategy is what they do for THEMSELVES. If somebody is telling you that you must do something other than what they did for themselves, watch out! And examine this person’s motives. They probably don’t wish you well.

    ______________________________

    Blk_Dahlia,

    Thank you for your kind word; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “The scales have fallen from my eyes and a community I thought maybe was in a little of downward swirl is now going down the proverbial toilet.”

    Yes, and they want to take you down with them! You said, “If some folks in the bc don’t want to be saved, who cares, they can go down with the rest the nitwits on the ship of fools. I’m done, I’m helping me and mine and those that I know who want to actually be different and change the destructive patterns of their lives. I’ll be giving them my wisdom, everyone else be d@mned.”

    That’s where I’m at—let the dead bury the dead. I don’t have time to engage cadavers in conversations that they’re incapable of comprehending. It’s impossible to communicate with the mentally dead.
    ______________________________

    SharonCullars,

    Welcome aboard! 🙂

    You said, “I had to just address how the mainstream bloggers are trying to make this movement all about them. They’re so focused on “slut shaming” and “finger pointing” as it affects them, they’re not focused on the fallout of what OOW children means to the black community where these same children are being born but are not being “raised.”

    As I said in my reply to Faith above, many of these other people don’t care, and in fact have a vested interest in AAs remaining stuck on stupid. So they deliberately recommend destructive things for AAs that they would NEVER approve of for themselves or their own people.

    It’s a competitive world, and many of the other “ants” understand this. So, if AAs are dumb enough to engage in grasshopper behavior, some of these other ants will egg us on and support that. As they continue to gather their “plump kernels of corn…”

    And the ants went on with their work!

  26. Lisa99 says:

    If I hear the term “slut-shaming” one more time…

    Don’t mind me. I’m just someone with a serious aversion to the cliched term of the moment… and that seems to be one of them.

    Oh, and I also notice how quick black folks are to pretend to care about the LBGT community when the sins of the heterosexual community are exposed. Whenever the singleness rate for black women is raised, a common refrain is, “Well, what about the lesbians that don’t want to marry?”

    Oh really? Since when did you care about them? They probably don’t cross your mind UNTIL you need them to make your own stats look less damaging. Plus, it’s a moot point because lesbians of all races are counted in the unmarried stats… so even if you take lesbians out, the black female singleness rate is still much higher than anyone else’s.

    Funny, I don’t think I heard one member of the LBGT community object to NWNW in a blog post or anything like that. Maybe because they realize this isn’t about them because they aren’t having sex with members of the opposite gender and creating babies that are guaranteed not to have the co-conceiver in their lives?

    LBGT community members are NOT the ones responsible for the rampant fatherlessness in the black community. Heterosexuals need to stop with that “NWNW is soooo heteronormative,” mess.

    (And that’s another term I’d be really happy to see die a quick death!)

  27. Valerie M says:

    Excellent post, Khadija. I used to have a huge book of Aesop’s fables and I remember that one fable quite well.

    I read quite a few of the posts surrounding NWNW, but I really couldn’t get into the comments — forget about the Twitter comments. Some of these stances — the “so what, people divorce” and the “I don’t need a man to raise a functional child” — were so far removed from anything that I can remotely understand.

    I have always been accused of being a little too “diva” about my expectations and my willingness to be someone else’s workhorse. I don’t walk around telling people I’m a diva, but I don’t have to because people will often tell me or instigate that I am being “too much.” “Too much” for who, may I ask?? If any guy (or woman) has to say that out loud, all I have to say to him/her is “YES, I am too much for you and THANK YOU for weeding yourself out.” This has served me well more times than not.

    Let me put a disclaimer and say that a true “diva” or being “too much” IMHO is not about being cruel, openly aggressive or materialistic. It’s about having a bit more self-respect and “internal” vanity (not overboard) than most people. Religion especially has always downplayed vanity as a sin, and yes I agree, too much “external,” “saving face” type of vanity without the internal work to show for it should be illegal. I certainly don’t walk around in designer clothes and many times I look downright humble and conservative. It’s when I start talking that people can tell I mean business. BW definitely need to be more of a true diva and have more “internal” vanity in their lives.

    There needs to be less shame about being “too much” for most men, and I think that’s the root of all of this… along with another commenter’s point about women’s strong desire to have children. If someone is saying you are “too much,” then chances are you are doing something correctly – provided that you are deeply assured of your self-worth. We’re not supposed to be competing for men and the right to have someone’s kid. Men are supposed to earn the right and prove that they can handle you and care for you and your potential kids. You’re not supposed to make it easy for them to get with you and impregnate you left, right and center! And that is what so many of these “grasshoppers” are missing. I really can’t read those comments anymore because it is truly saddening to see some of these people take the hardest possible path they can possibly find.

    • vonnie says:

      I am in complete agreement with everything that you’ve just said, bravo!

    • kandika says:

      Women are supposed to ‘test’ men to prove their worth BEFORE sleeping with them. There are also whites who do this nonsense also, they think that, if they have money or a good education, they don’t need men to help them raise the child: if she is pregnant, he is too. Back in the day (early 70s,) we couldn’t afford the ‘revolution’ of SEX AND DRUGS; many of us wanted hetero marriage, a BMW (black man working) and what went with it, the whites started to act up because they had more of a cushion (inheritance) they don’t anymore,but we are in a ridiculous situation because we never much didn’t have it. The Vietnamese didn’t have it either, but they ‘usually’ didn’t participate in costly behaviors. They actually began to prosper, learn english, and start businesses, etc.

  28. …immaculate conception…

    @Khadija, okay this made me giggle and I needed a laugh today. As for the response to NWNW, I must say it wasn’t unexpected. I can recall the brouhaha that ensued when I said on another board that it was inappropriate to throw a baby shower for a teen mother. (Like, do you throw a party when your kid joins a gang, too?) Normalizing the deviant has become SOP for some AAs. Christelyn’s a far better woman that I am. I’m discovering that I’ve gone from being an impatient, grouchy young woman to being and impatient, grouchy OLD woman. I simply don’t have the stamina to deal with that level of foolishness. She’s a good woman. It’s great to have her onboard.

  29. Lisa99 says:

    Pioneervalleywoman said: “There are plenty of black women who let the baby-mamas talk to them like that because they themselves HAVE NOT RESOLVED THEIR ISSUES regarding hoping for marriage, not marrying, and then dealing with childlessness. So they are vulnerable to getting “beat down” and hanging their heads in shame when these heffas tell them “they got played.”

    These are women who know better, but they are more likely to join the chorus and say babymamadom is okay, because they are thinking that if they had become babymamas, they would have been in a better position. They might not have had a husband, but at least they would have had a child.”

    I wanted to break this out so it didn’t get lost in the shuffle.

    I’ve noticed that this is one of the newer nuances of the “OOW is okay” movement and I’ve seen similar comments a lot on message boards.

    The thinking goes, “Well many black women won’t get married anyway, so what’s the point?” It’s especially frightening to see this sentiment from black women under 30, which is usually the group to express this.

    I also think that it doesn’t help (sometimes) that many of the women that they see who waited or are in favor of waiting until after marriage for children are getting older and remaining unmarried. That’s no judgment against those particular women, but I think younger black women see this and go, “Oh that will not be me! I want a kid!”

    Some of these women have even said that they regret that they never had a child and Mr. Right never came along. That if they could do it again, they would have an OOW child because at least they’d have part of the dream they envisioned for themselves.

    Again, what are young black women thinking when they hear and see this? NWNW sounds great, but it can be a cold splash of water when they are continually told as well that there’s a black male shortage, they might not marry, look at Aunt So-and-So who has 5 degrees and no man, etc.

    Which is why the MARRIED black women with kids need to play a larger role in this general effort, and it irks me that many of them were the main ones during this NWNW campaign talking about how it’s “wrong” to control a woman’s sexuality or “slut-shaming,” or the oh-so-awful “heteronormative” nature of NWNW.

    This is also why I wanted to address the false notion that was often presented that many black women won’t get married, so they have to eventually become single mothers or remain childless. That they have no choice in the matter — that if Mr. Right happens to come along, they got lucky, but otherwise, it’s too bad for them.

    And like you said, there are some folks who — perhaps as a result of the stigma they faced having their child OOW — later like to puff their chests out about the unmarried childless BW that have gotten older and say, “Well, at least I have my kid. YOU don’t! Ha ha ha.”

    My focus is practical solutions to guide black women into healthy and happy marriages. It’s hard to do this though when you’ve got so many people in the black community taking a head-in-the-sand approach when it comes to encouraging this. We look at this as an individual choice/decision, and not as a community function — which is part of the reason behind our low marriage rates.

    • Lynn says:

      ITA. What’s missing from the statement of “Black women will not get married” is: If you hold out for a “Good” Black man, then a Black women will not get married”. Because if the entire statement was made, then young women would naturally ask themselves, why am I holding out for a Black man. Then the wheels in their head would start turning over other possibilities.

      Confusing the next generation’s priorities is a large part of what’s driving this backlash of NWNW. The opponents are using different tactics to achieve the same end.

  30. HR Professional says:

    Hi Khadija,

    Another wonderful post.

    I totally understand Sovereign Man when he says he’s “found that I have very little in common with the people who share the color of my passport” I feel very similarly. I tried to find those who look like me, but we do not share a comparable mindset. I call the blogs that I read everyday, like yours and a few others, my tribe. It is like we all think so much alike. It is a good feeling to know that you are not alone.

    I have been using the grasshopper/ant parable for a while, in describing what is happening to BW and honestly, BP in general. We have allowed so many years of overt (there was nothing covert about it) social reengineering to reconfigure our lives, we don’t know which way is up. However, I have a sneaking suspicion, a lot of us pretend we don’t know which way is up. We listened to Others tell us we don’t need a man to have a decent life or to father our children, and sadly, this has gone on for more than 4 generations. Nevertheless, those same people who told us we don’t need a man, went on to have a perfectly respectable life with one, think Gloria Steinem.

    Not only have I referred to the grasshopper/ant fable, but I also like to quote some very profound song lyrics …”If you can’t feed the baby, then don’t have the baby. Don’t think maybe, if you can’t feed the baby…” Doesn’t that just sum it all up?!

    • IRockIRoll says:

      I’m heading off to bed, b/c it is late, but I definitely read the last of the comments before I went to sleep. If I could recommend some reading to the audience, Grimm’s Fairy Tales might do much in terms of warning signals for those women who were not raised in the church (any faith) or were not raised in the RIGHT kind of church. My nana (grandma, mama, however you’all might call it) frequently told us “stories” which as I have gotten older, have become of invaluable use. They are like the Biblical tales that you go to Sunday school for, or Vacation Bible Study. The mouse and the lizard in the rain comes to mind right now (we don’t all have the same starting point, recognize yours, work from there).

      Basically, the more you are RIGHT, the more people will fight against you, ESPECIALLY if they are wrong. Watch out for people who are leading you into traps, i.e. Hansel & Gretel (who has a house made of candy… in the WOODS?). What emperor can run around NAKED and still gain the respect of his people legitimately? Who has a good looking maid that you’re related to unless she ultimately has the upper hand? Why would a tortoise race a hare in the FIRST place unless he already knew he had an advantage?

      The Grasshoppers ALREADY KNOW (even if they won’t acknowledge it) that they are on the LOSING side of the bargain. If they thought THEY were set, they wouldn’t have even ASKED what the ants were up to. Let me be more real… I wasn’t ASKING what the couple of pregnant schoolmates that I knew in high school were up to when they were “up to something” after they were pregnant. Not a THANG. I ALREADY KNEW. The only time when folks are curious about your activities is when it may pertain to THEM.

      How many folks on this blog ask the local homeless what they’re up to this weekend? The unemployed (and not those that were laid off, I’m talking about RayRay unemployed). Okay, how about your friends? People who you hope to emulate? Or folks you’re jealous of? Has anyone ever noticed how many people know all about Angelina Jolie, but don’t know how Grandma got to dialysis? Paid the electric bill? Paid the mortgage/property taxes?

      NO ONE cares about the future goals and ambitions of those that they don’t think are going to achieve anything. Hence, the grasshopper wanted to know what was up with the ants. He ALREADY knew what his folks were up to. Notice in that fable, he wasn’t back at the grasshopper colony asking where the food was. He knew that they had NOTHING OF VALUE. From the JUMP. He would know, he was a grasshopper too! Ain’t no kernels of corn in that storage. He was in the fields. He had a backup band (NWNW anti-bloggers and “feminist supporters” in this case).

      I can’t speak for everyone, but when folks are TOO much in your business, and not about theirs that is the FIRST major clue to CUT THE GRASSHOPPERS LOOSE. And it may be hard. It may feel… discomforting. But to be real here, if you’re trying to move on up, and everyone you know is hanging hard to keep the bottom of the barrel up, how will YOU get by when the bottom drops out? Barrels can only take so much water, and in this new economy, it is not a trickle of bad news, it is a FLOOD. Eventually, they will be knocking at your window when times get hard enough if they feel that ya’ll are the same.

      And the time to pull away is RIGHT NOW. There are nothing but police reports about how they are having to let go of entire squads to handle violence. Ladies. Today is tomorrow. Those other ant hills got their infrastructure together and solidified LAST WINTER to the background noise of grasshoppers. They had a soundtrack and a beaten path to follow. The least we can do is gather kernels in ours.

      • IRockIRoll,

        Thank you for my first belly laugh for today. 🙂

        Especially the part where you said, “Hence, the grasshopper wanted to know what was up with the ants. He ALREADY knew what his folks were up to. Notice in that fable, he wasn’t back at the grasshopper colony asking where the food was. He knew that they had NOTHING OF VALUE. From the JUMP. He would know, he was a grasshopper too! Ain’t no kernels of corn in that storage. He was in the fields. He had a backup band (NWNW anti-bloggers and “feminist supporters” in this case).”

        {chuckling} This is true.

        You said, “And the time to pull away is RIGHT NOW. There are nothing but police reports about how they are having to let go of entire squads to handle violence. Ladies. Today is tomorrow. Those other ant hills got their infrastructure together and solidified LAST WINTER to the background noise of grasshoppers. They had a soundtrack and a beaten path to follow. The least we can do is gather kernels in ours.”

        This is also true. Let me join you in giving the warning.

        There are LOTS of AA grasshoppers who have the following plan for surviving tough times:

        Their plan is to have enough ammunition to be able to TAKE your resources from you. That is their plan. Others plan to STEAL your resources from you. Yet others plan to BEG and/or GUILT-TRIP your resources from you. Like IRock, IRoll said, the time to pull away from the grasshoppers is right now!

        And the ants went on with their work!

  31. nominaleffect says:

    When I think about “grasshoppers”, what I see in my mind’s eye is all the black men I know. Yes, I see black women, but mostly men.

    It’s curious; when I think about men of my grandfather’s vintage, and how much they got done with so little to work with and in the face of such adversity, it’s really quite staggering. And they did it while actually marrying the women who had their children.

    Yes, there were individual failures, but as a generation, they were overwhelmingly responsible citizens, responsible family men and dependable employees. Contrast that with the black men we have now. Not the small percentage that are truly “good black men” (and I mean by generally accepted standards of “good”, not the current, twisted “hood” standards), I’m talking about the big part of the black male population. Most of these guys are not only no good, they wallow in being no good. And some of them revel in being no good, like they’re competing with the other grasshoppers to see just who can be the worst of the worst.

  32. Lisa99,

    You said, “If I hear the term “slut-shaming” one more time…Don’t mind me. I’m just someone with a serious aversion to the cliched term of the moment… and that seems to be one of them.

    LBGT community members are NOT the ones responsible for the rampant fatherlessness in the black community. Heterosexuals need to stop with that “NWNW is soooo heteronormative,” mess. (And that’s another term I’d be really happy to see die a quick death!)”

    Oh, no…these terms aren’t just cliches. They’re being used as thought-terminating cliches. They are the secular, progressive equivalents of the following Christian thought-stopping cliches:

    “Your just being judgmental. Judge NOT least you be judged. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Can’t we all just get along. Touch not the Lords anointed. Your causing division in the body of Christ. You don’t believe in the promises of God. You don’t believe in Miracles. That is not very Christian of you. Your putting God in a box. You not a very good Christian. Your not even really a Christian. What about unity. Didn’t Christ come to bring unity. You have a Jezebel Spirit. Your hindering the works of God. You don’t believe in faith. We really like what your doing BUT. Your cause is Noble BUT. Your heaping judgment upon your head by judging. You don’t believe in prosperity. Your just jealous because you have not gotten your healing and financial blessings. God told me to tell you….”

    http://thewordonthewordoffaithinfoblog.com/2010/08/09/thought-terminating-cliches-and-ad-hominem-attacks-that-word-of-faithers-use-against-heretic-hunters/

    I could mention some Sunni Muslim thought-stopping cliches, but most of the audience wouldn’t recognize them. I’m compiling a list of secular, progressive jargon that I believe AA women need to stop saying. Here’s why: I’m beginning to think that BW should declare a moratorium on the use of ANY political or politicized terminology. Because among Black folks, all of this terminology functions as thought-stoppers. [I’ll note that a similar thought-terminating dynamic exists among “conservative” and “religious” BW.]

    I think that more of us (myself included) need to abandon these various political ideologies and their jargons, and examine issues on a practical, case-by-case basis.

    Later on, you said, “Which is why the MARRIED black women with kids need to play a larger role in this general effort, and it irks me that many of them were the main ones during this NWNW campaign talking about how it’s “wrong” to control a woman’s sexuality or “slut-shaming,” or the oh-so-awful “heteronormative” nature of NWNW.”

    I think the moral of this NWNW episode is that nobody can trust ANY sector of the AA collective to say ANTHING that makes ANY sense at all. It seems that the vast majority of us are totally out of touch with human norms and common human understandings of things.
    _______________________________

    ValerieM.,

    Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “I used to have a huge book of Aesop’s fables and I remember that one fable quite well.”

    That’s why I thought of these fables as I read some of the utterly nonsensical backlash to NWNW. It’s amazing—even small children can comprehend the COMMON SENSE lessons that are being taught in those fables. The same common sense that is apparently FAR beyond the comprehension of the adult, grasshopper naysayers.
    ____________________________________

    Roslyn,

    You said, “…immaculate conception…

    @Khadija, okay this made me giggle and I needed a laugh today.”

    Hey, I’m just following up on YOUR “sex causes pregnancy” lead-in. 🙂 Also, I felt that this point needed further clarification because the grasshoppers are acting like they don’t understand that almost all AA oow is the result of …wait for it…straight men and women scr*wing… [I can almost hear the naysayers saying, “Who knew?” in response to that.]

    When I read conversations where NWNW naysayers are pulling unicorns out of their rear ends by talking about by-current-legal-definition-unmarried gay and lesbian couples with children, I start to wonder: Do these people understand how the overwhelming majority of babies are produced? From the various unicorns the naysayers fixate on, one would think that immaculate conception was a common form of procreation…

    You said, “Normalizing the deviant has become SOP for some AAs.”

    And this is why AAs are becoming entrenched as a permanent underclass.

    You said, “Christelyn’s a far better woman that I am…I simply don’t have the stamina to deal with that level of foolishness.”

    Same here—I can’t be bothered with that type of nonsense.
    ________________________________________________

    HR Professional,

    You said, “We have allowed so many years of overt (there was nothing covert about it) social reengineering to reconfigure our lives, we don’t know which way is up. However, I have a sneaking suspicion, a lot of us pretend we don’t know which way is up. We listened to Others tell us we don’t need a man to have a decent life or to father our children, and sadly, this has gone on for more than 4 generations. Nevertheless, those same people who told us we don’t need a man, went on to have a perfectly respectable life with one, think Gloria Steinem.”

    Exactly.
    ___________________________________________

    Nominaleffect,

    You said, “It’s curious; when I think about men of my grandfather’s vintage, and how much they got done with so little to work with and in the face of such adversity, it’s really quite staggering. And they did it while actually marrying the women who had their children.

    Yes, there were individual failures, but as a generation, they were overwhelmingly responsible citizens, responsible family men and dependable employees. Contrast that with the black men we have now.”

    It’s connected. The previous generations of AA men were better men because other AA men required it of them. Previous generations of AA men REQUIRED other BM to marry their daughters if they impregnated them—or risk sudden DEATH. There were “shotgun” weddings. Old-school AA men heavily policed and punished other BM who did inappropriate things. For another example, old-school “Chester the Molester” generally had to be very careful to hide what he was doing. He couldn’t parade around like Ar-ruh Kelly. He couldn’t publicly rack up a long list of underage victims. Because one of those little girls’ fathers, uncles, brothers, cousins, etc. would have put a stop to him. He would either “come up missing.” Or be found face-down and DEAD in an alley somewhere.

    This is why I have nothing but contempt for Aaliyah’s breeders (I can’t call them “parents”), and the sperm donors who donated the sperm to create Ar-Ruh Kelly’s many, many underage Black girl victims.

    And the ants went on with their work!

  33. nominaleffect says:

    Roslyn, you called out some teenage baby mama enablers for throwing their unwed teenage daughter a baby shower?

    YOU ARE MY HERO.

    A couple of years I referred to babies born to young unwed black women as bastard children and the other black women on the blog just went off on me. I was told that all mothers and babies should be honored because they represent the life-blood of the black community.

    Quantity over quality, right?

  34. Since the “reply” function can cause comments to get buried, here’s a repeat of my reply to IRock,IRoll’s recent comment:

    IRockIRoll,

    Thank you for my first belly laugh for today. 🙂

    Especially the part where you said, “Hence, the grasshopper wanted to know what was up with the ants. He ALREADY knew what his folks were up to. Notice in that fable, he wasn’t back at the grasshopper colony asking where the food was. He knew that they had NOTHING OF VALUE. From the JUMP. He would know, he was a grasshopper too! Ain’t no kernels of corn in that storage. He was in the fields. He had a backup band (NWNW anti-bloggers and “feminist supporters” in this case).”

    {chuckling} This is true.

    You said, “And the time to pull away is RIGHT NOW. There are nothing but police reports about how they are having to let go of entire squads to handle violence. Ladies. Today is tomorrow. Those other ant hills got their infrastructure together and solidified LAST WINTER to the background noise of grasshoppers. They had a soundtrack and a beaten path to follow. The least we can do is gather kernels in ours.”

    This is also true. Let me join you in giving the warning.

    There are LOTS of AA grasshoppers who have the following plan for surviving tough times:

    Their plan is to have enough ammunition to be able to TAKE your resources from you. That is their plan. Others plan to STEAL your resources from you. Yet others plan to BEG and/or GUILT-TRIP your resources from you. Like IRock, IRoll said, the time to pull away from the grasshoppers is right now!

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    ***Note to Readers***

    In making this new site the kind of project that’s sustainable for me over the long-run, I’ve had to streamline how I handle certain things. The comments section is one of them. What this means is that I’ll give substantive responses to those folks who enter the conversations early (as I did across the board at the previous blog).

    After each post is a couple of days old, I’ll generally continue to publish new comments from readers. (That meet the commenting guidelines as set forth at the previous blog—those who are unfamiliar can read the comment “box” at the previous blog.)

    But, after a each post is a couple of days old, I generally WON’T continue responding to new comments.

    In other words, I’ll continue to publish comments to this post, but I’m not going to reply to any more comments in this thread. FYI. Please feel free to continue talking among yourselves!

    And the ants went on with their work! 🙂

  35. *CC* says:

    I’m an ant whose biological relatives are (with few exceptions) grasshoppers. Who knew grasshoppers and ants shared a bloodline?

    I have long recognized the grasshoppers in my family — their plan for getting anything in life is to borrow or take command of the resources of the few “ants” in my family. They CONSTANTLY ask each other for money, rides to the store, rides to work, a place to stay, etc. If you loan them small sums of money ($50 to $300) — it can take them months, sometimes a year, to repay it (if they repay it at all).

    As a result, I barely speak to 50% of my family. I have nothing in common with most of them, ESPECIALLY most of my cousins. When my uncle died, my aunts and uncle asked ME to take out a loan to bury him! (He didn’t work and had no life insurance…) My mom let her sister (AND HER SISTER’S husband and kids) live with her in her two bedroom apartment for almost a year and you know the thanks she got — cursed out, threatened, and the police had to REMOVE them from her apartment because they WOULD. NOT. LEAVE.

    Yep, I’m an ant that thanks God for wisdom — I have labored much to prepare for the winter. My husband and I have a NO FAMILY CAN LIVE WITH US policy (except our mothers, when they become elderly) — so live is good and all is well for me and my immediate household. Praise God.

  36. foreverloyal says:

    Lisa99 said:
    And like you said, there are some folks who — perhaps as a result of the stigma they faced having their child OOW — later like to puff their chests out about the unmarried childless BW that have gotten older and say, “Well, at least I have my kid. YOU don’t! Ha ha ha.”

    And the same is done to women who are married and are having trouble having kids. A woman tried to do that to blogger CreoleinDC aka Monica Mingo. Anyone who follows her blog knows that she is struggling with infertility and has, as yet not had a child. One oow mother tried to imply that perhaps, just perhaps Ms. Mingo regretted waiting to e married? After all if she’d done the OOW thing years ago she’d have a kid. Monica looked her dead in her eye and told her she doesn’t. regret. a. cotdamn. thing. That it takes two to make a kid and therefore two to raise it.
    She has also said that as badly as she wants a child, if she never has one she will continue on with her fabulous life with her fabulous husband.

    Three cheers, I say.

    • I loved Monica’s response to that. I’ve gotten that foolishness too as I too struggle with infertility, and didn’t get married until I as 35. Anyway, someone asked me the same question and was gloating about the fact that at least she has a child. First, a child is not a possession. They’re not the latest designer shoe that you can flaunt. I don’t regret waiting for one moment. I wanted my child to have the best life I could provide for him, and I knew I could not do that without a partner.

      • foreverloyal says:

        It’s amazing to me how people can so casually deny their children a stable, functioning family. The everyday joyful moments of father-child interaction.
        Like that pic of Luke playing trains with his dad that got published in an article featuring your family a few years ago.
        It’s embarassing even to have to make an argument that kids need their dads!

    • Lisa99 says:

      Wow, I had no idea people were coming at Monica and you (Roz) with that nonsense!!!! SMH