Mission Update—The First National Tune-Out Week + Social Butterfly Practice

Mission Update—6 MONTHS LATER

Almost 6 months ago, I issued a challenge to you:

So, in the spirit of the annual national Turn Off The TV Week, I’m asking you to tune out neutral, low-value, and no-value Black men this week. I don’t just mean the toxic or damaged Black men. I’m talking about tuning out ALL Black men who aren’t contributing something of value to your life. This includes the neutral Black men who aren’t doing anything against you, but they’re also not doing anything for you.

These neutral Black men are not checking for you. Why are you always checking for them? Your habit of paying attention to these noncontributing, neutral Black men is blocking many of you from paying attention to the non-Black men in your environment that could (and would) benefit you. Halima, blog host of Black Women’s Interracial Relationship Circle, has done a recent post containing a link about this behavior pattern.

I want more African-American women to realize how this is completely out of touch with normal female behavior. The overall, timeless human pattern is that normal women respond only to the extent that a man looks and acts fit, willing, and able to be of some benefit to her. There’s a word for women who grin and skin at indifferent-acting, neutral men: GROUPIES.

Most of you already know how to tune out noncontributing women. But you continue checking for, and responding to, noncontributing Black men.

I understand that many of you have been conditioned to always hop and skip toward, pay attention to, and respond to any and all Black men that come your way. Regardless of these men’s indifferent (or even negative) behavior toward you. I’m asking you to take the first step to breaking the habit this week. I’m asking you to take back your peace of mind. This week I’m asking you to tune-out the Black men who contribute nothing of value to your life:

Don’t talk to noncontributing Black men this week. If you’re in a work or similar setting where it would create problems not to respond to a noncontributing Black male, keep your responses as brief as possible.

If for some reason, you must (briefly) interact with a noncontributing Black man this week, don’t look into his eyes. Instead, look at a point near the top of his forehead. The eyes are a window into the soul. Looking into someone’s eyes draws you further into the interaction.

Don’t read noncontributing Black men’s blogs this week.

Don’t read news reports about noncontributing Black men this week.

Don’t talk about the thoughts, views, or activities of noncontributing Black men this week.

Tuning out useless people helps give us time to think, read, create, and do the healthier things we never have time for. Tuning out such individuals reduces the stress in our lives. It creates room in our lives for better people, places, ideas and things.

Here are my questions for those who participated

  • After the first week of tuning out useless people, did you work to make this a permanent habit? Why or why not?
  • Have you reduced the amount of attention you give to useless people? Why or why not?
  • Or have you gravitated back to avidly following what useless people are saying and doing? Why or why not?


During a recent conversation, Evia, blog host of Black Female Interracial Marriage Ezine talked about how many African-American women unwittingly act in ways that are unattractive and severely limit their social maneuverability. She said,

Okay . . . re how to talk without saying anything much, it’s actually a dynamic process and specifics depend on the situation. It’s a survival skill. Mainly, you never, ever say anything that will come back to bite you or others like you in the butt.

[Another reader had asked:] Also why do I need wiggle room, if I’m representing myself, and I only plan to be myself?

You need wiggle room to enhance your surviving and thriving. None of us can predict life, so you must always give yourself a way out or space to switch up–just in case.

This goes back to the way some bw see themselves–as serious, always telling the whole TRUTH, being responsible, hardworking, plodding along putting one foot ahead of the other, etc. like stodgy mules–even though it doesn’t work to their benefit in lots of cases, obviously.

Self-Image. I would like instead for AA women to think of themselves as and cultivate the image of charming butterflies that flutter around. Such a butterfly would never make heavy statements or limit itself to showing only one side of itself. It knows it needs wiggle room so that it can keep on fluttering wherever and be seen. LOL! People like having that type of butterfly around. It’s lighthearted. It’s delightful to look at, but no one expects it to do anything concrete or memorable. That’s not what a butterfly does.

That butterfly could actually be very shrewd, could be moving with stealth, but no one would ever expect it to be and it sure won’t tell ALL. If you’re always just being “yourself,” you limit your movement drastically.

For ex. when I’m around practically any male (preteen to 95), I behave like a charming butterfly because that always works to my advantage with men (even with very young males). It makes that male feel good. That’s a win-win situation for both of us. That’s not the “real” me; that’s just one of my FACES. Note: I fortunately don’t have to spend any time around any ghetto-acting male.

Mules. Mules have to DO concrete things. They’re expected to act like mules at all times. People don’t particularly like to look at them, but they’re necessary. Too many AA women have decided to look and act like mules. People put pressure on mules that they would never put on a butterfly. Very few people would pressure a butterfly to answer a question because that delightful creature might–gasp!–fly away.

It has to do with the way a woman thinks about herself. This is what she projects.

You should NEVER present your “real” self to strangers. WHY would you do that? Only do that with others who’ve earned your trust. We all can cultivate many faces and if you haven’t done that, you should work on that ASAP. Unfortunately, many bw will ‘let it all hang out’, but when others use some of that as a noose for them, they have no wiggle room or way out.

Talk, be lighthearted, but keep it moving. Smile, be charming, but be evasive–like a butterfly. If you’re evasive long enough, the typical person will back off and go on to the next person. If the person persists, use what they’re asking you to change the subject or smile and start to remove yourself from their presence (like the butterfly). Say, “Excuse me, but I’ve got to finish doing . . .” or simply “I’ve got to go.”

Always remember though that you don’t EVER have to answer anyone’s intrusive questions IF you don’t want to do so–unless in a court of law or similar situations. You don’t have to talk to people just because they want to talk to you. I’ve been criticized for not talking to certain people online, but I KNOW I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to do so, and just because someone asks me a question doesn’t mean I have to answer. Ebonically speaking, “They ain’t nobody!” I talk if I CHOOSE to talk or answer. We all can make that choice.

The basic issue here is one of boundaries, as Khadija has pointed out, and as I pointed out about those “nice guy” males. You have to have boundaries when dealing with any other person. You have to believe down deep inside yourself that the inner you belongs to no other human being, but YOU, and that NO ONE must cross your boundaries. No other human being has the right to cross those boundaries to access inner areas of you or even any of your outer assets unless you CHOOSE, in your best interests, to give them permission. Here’s the clincher. In any interaction with another human being, virtually all of the time (except for maybe with your children), YOU are the primary person–the MOST important person. No one else is as important as you to yourself. No one. This is why the subtitle of my first book is “First and Foremost.” You have to believe that you are NUMBER 1.

In response, a reader named Tracy said,

Evia, for some reason, “butterfly” is very difficult for bw to grasp, simply because when you dare to walk around happy and bright eyed, you are called “fake” or , God forbid, “white”..

I truly believe that the phrase “Keeping it Real” was invented to keep bw in Mule/Sista Soldier mode. Real means letting it all hang out, not thinking thru or controlling your emotions, and basically not caring about the image you are projecting. It’s easy to be “real.” The girls that I mentored in church had the hardest time with being “fake” because they were always having to think about what was coming out of their mouths, what they were wearing, and yes even their facial expressions. I would try to get them to think of something funny or happy that would make them smile, or to soften their expressions – but sadly some of them couldn’t even muster a good thought.

The scariest part of all – the sharing. The only thing these girls wanted to talk about was tearing down some other girl. Or the last fight they had. Or a beatdown that they saw recently. THAT made them smile…I understand teenage cliques, but I believe that in some circles, it may be a matter of safety for them to be a “real” or “down” Mule – Butterfly’s could be crushed easily. Still, hopefully some of them will remember and use their lessons later on in life.

(emphasis added)

Which is all the more reason to get far away from such people and environments; and relocate to healthier environments.


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46 Responses to “Mission Update—The First National Tune-Out Week + Social Butterfly Practice”

  1. Oshun/Aphrodite says:

    I wanted to let you know that you are so awesome! I don’t want to say too much, but I saw something recently in the previous blog post and I was very impressed and it is connected to some of your other posts concerning having ethnic self respect. Even though I am late to the party..I bought a couple of your books to donate to libraries in my area.

    Re butterfly: I have done the tune out and been doing it a long time, but I haven’t practiced the butterfly part. I am trying to polish myself (wardrobe issues) so I feel more confident and I work so much that I really don’t interact with others much.

  2. Monique says:

    I started tuning out no count people a long time ago and the good thing about it is that once you start it becomes easier to do. Everyone I come in contact with is assesed as to the value they will add to my life and the role they will play in my life. People who tend to have incredible amounts of drama and contention in their lives are ignored or passed over and are not allowed in my life. Period.

    I am always practicing being a butterfly. I wear more makeup now, I consicously wear a faint smile on my face when I’m out and about. I listen more and keep my varied opnions to myself unless asked.

    Perfect example, back in early november I was invited to a meet up group to discuss the recent mid-term elections and obama at an Indian restaruant in the east village here in NY. I love political discussions and such. So I went. There were two tables, the table where I sat was filled with WM. Only one woman was at the same table as me and she was Asain and the organizer’s girlriend. I looked very pretty, hair done, nails done, nice dress and heels and make-up tight. But what was interesting to me was that the Asian woman NEVER spoke. She made no comment on any thing. Not once. I noticed that and I quickly recognized that I WAS not going to play the role of loud-mouthed, opinionted BW, so I kept quite too, I know how to be dainty as well. The men did most of the talking and I smiled and nodded where appropriate and until i was asked a question I did not speak. When I did speak my voice was clear, soft and easy. ALL them men looked at me and they to were smiling and nodding some agreed with my opinion some did not, but ALL of them saw me as a WOMAN and NOT a combatant.

    I’m no shrinking flower and I don’t want to be infantilized which I believe this asian woman was as her boyfriend shared her food and ordered for her. BUT she did not “KEEP IT REAL” she did not get loud or let it all hang out. She played her feminine card… and so did I.

    So yes I am practicing being a butterfly and it’s a lot of fun

    • Hodan says:

      good for you, it must have been fun beating down the stereotype about us. You know, in my teens & at Uni, I always avoided the quite submissive-like girls (whether Asian or Muslims from South Asia or Middle East), until I realized they were playing a smart game of catch the best possible mate before 30. You can definitely be feminine and soft spoken while remaining strong in your own opinion and express a political point of view in appropriate evinronment.

  3. Karen R says:

    When you suggested this 6 months I took you up on it. There were several blogs that I read DAILY that I won’t name but are written by closeted DBRBM. For some reason I felt this need to “see what they were talking about” although their words were unhealthy and sick. Things that were portrayed as humorous were often condeming of AA women. I cut that off cold turkey thank God. I am much better for it.

  4. Oshun/Aphrodite,

    Thank you for your kind words and for your public library donations; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “Re butterfly: I have done the tune out and been doing it a long time, but I haven’t practiced the butterfly part. I am trying to polish myself (wardrobe issues) so I feel more confident and I work so much that I really don’t interact with others much.”

    That’s why I’m doing these reminder/mission update posts every so often. I want AA women to be on point when they start their new jobs on cruise ships, start studying overseas, and otherwise start mingling with quality, eligible men in the outer world (including here in the US).


    You said, “I am always practicing being a butterfly. I wear more makeup now, I consicously wear a faint smile on my face when I’m out and about.”

    Sounds like the faint smile I usually wear out in the world. I try to keep that as the more or less default facial expression. Kudos on how you handled that meet-up. It’s always interesting (and amusing) to see how the dynamic play out whenever an AA woman refuses to play the combatant, keepin’ it real, Sista Soldier role that others like to assign to us.


    I’m so happy to hear that you cut out the garbage. That “see what they were talking about” thing is a TRAP. It’s the same trap that has people who know better watching the madness on Faux News/Radio Rwanda. The thing is that we already know what lunatics and other undesirables think and what they’re talking about! There’s NO need to dip into cesspools.

    And in terms of the Internet Ike Turners and Ikettes who stalk blogs such as this one, they will talk about whatever we’re talking about. We control their conversations with our own conversations. The Internet Ikes and Ikettes have nothing of their own to discuss.

    Expect Success!

  5. joyousnerd says:

    I’ve been doing great with tuning out the ikes and ikettes. Some other negative thoughts keep taking up too much space in my head, though. I’m trying to use my favorite method to stop those in their tracks. I snap a rubber band on mu wrist to snap myself out of these unhelpful thought patterns.

  6. T says:

    Practice? I’ve elevated this to an art form. My secret? Not to take myself so seriously. When I am around others, black and non-black, I do not draw attention to my blackwoman-ness. I know I am a black woman. For the life of me, I could never understand why other black women were so quick to politicize themselves in normal conversations. Not everything has to be so heavy and so serious. Instead, I have chosen to present myself as an intelligent, vibrant, and caring person. This works for me because that is the real me. However, I do not get too deep with others unless I have a “trust” with them; otherwise, the social butterfly reigns.

  7. Evia says:

    @Monique re:

    When I did speak my voice was clear, soft and easy. ALL them men looked at me and they to were smiling and nodding some agreed with my opinion some did not, but ALL of them saw me as a WOMAN and NOT a combatant.

    Well, go ‘head! you handled that JUST right! LOL!

    Now y’all know I’m VERY opinionated, but I’m an opinionated butterfly. LOL! This means that if I’m in an offline discussion with men present, I usually express my opinion BUT I use the opportunity to let them know how charming, lighthearted, flirtatious, and playful I am. This makes those guys feel good. I naturally smile when I’m talking. The object is to make the man feel good or at least never bad. See, there’s no point in making a regular guy feel bad. WHY? You’re not gaining anything from that. If I’m going to get paid, I’ll win the argument, but aside from that, it’s not important to me to have the last word.

    So, I wiggle my shoulders slightly, toss my head a bit and move my eyes kinda flirtatiously, smiling all the while as I talk or engage in banter. If on top of this, I’m dressed with a bit of color (and I always wear a bit of lipstick when I go out)and wear my artistic dangling earrings, then the typical man of any age and class enjoys the encounter.

    Also, I think the art of conversation is a lost art and needs a comeback. Young women, including AA women, of a certain class used to be taught how to have mildly flirtatious but engaging conversations with men. That has always been an asset for women.

    I would never curse around men. I’m careful with the language I use with them because I want them to view me as a woman who is to be respected. Usually, I defer to them because I’m not gaining by not deferring. If I’m going to gain something I want by engaging in combat, then it might be worth it to me, but otherwise I don’t exert myself.

    Bw need to focus on WINNING. There are tiny wins, small wins, and all the way up to major wins. Don’t continue doing anything if you’re continuously losing. At least, try to break even.

    It’s usually a win-win situation for a woman to keep a typical (respectful) man feeling good. I’d like for bw to look at situations always with “winning” ( and there are all degrees and types of wins) in mind or at least never losing. If a bw is not winning or at least breaking even, she needs to be quiet, or go home, or go somewhere and sit down.

    So Monique, you WON in that situation, and you did it in keeping with your personality. You made a lasting positive impression on one or more of those men. That’s a definite win, not just for you, but for many other bw.

    • Monique says:

      I must give thanks to you Evia and Khadija and several other BWE bloggers who I’ve read. Your words and concepts so generously provided helped me to recognize the situation I was in and act accordingly. If I won it is b/c of all of you and the lessons I’ve learned from you all. Many thanks

    • Neecy says:


      I have a question – its probably juvenile, stupid, superficial or outright “why the heck is she asking me this”. If you don’t want to answer or respond I totally understand. i just respect your and Khadijas opinions greatly and find you ladies wise. 🙂

      I just wanted to get your thoughts. I normally wear my hair natural. I prefer it that way and I love it.

      But recently I decided to blow dry out and press my hair and straighten it for the rest of this month b/c I just wanted a break. Well anyway, I have found a great increase in interest from men that I normally don’t get when my hair is natural. I also have received MUCH positive reinforcement from women as well. I was told twice this month by two women (in public) how beautiful I was. Even my family has made remarks about how great i look. I mean I can see a huge difference in how many men respond to me and go out of their way for me with my hair straightened. To be fair, I can say my hair is very long straightened out and does shrink quite a bit when its natural. I am not sure if its the length that is causing a favorable reaction or what.

      I am at a crossroads with my appearacne now b/c I am in the process of losing weight. i am overweight /plus sized and no longer accept that for my life. So I am changing that for sure.

      But I truly hate wearing my hair straight and usually only straighten it twice a year. I find it inconvenient as well. but i noticed that you talk alot about how BW need to somehow do things to make ourselves appealing to the opposite sex. Of course not going over our limitations or doing anything drastic – but honetly we all want to have the best chances at winning over the opposite sex. My question is, its obivous that the opposite sex responds more positivley to me with dark straight hair than natural. Do I need to change up my hair? I mean there are more important things I need to work on right now other than my hair – like my weight. but I have yet to see such a huge increase in interest and positive reinforcement (from even women)as I have in this past 3 weeks.

      Now some BW get more positive reinforcement with their hair natural. I am starting to realize I am not one of them and I prefer to keep my hair natural. I really do not know what to think or do. A few years ago i would have said “to hell with what others think i am going to wear my hair this way and if they don’t like it then oh well”. But now I am finding myself more concerned with being seen as attractive to others and receiving the positive feedback/ reinforcemetn that i am not used to. And the only thing i can point to is the change in my hair. i don’t even think I am more confident with straight hair b/c I personally do not prefer it for myself. So what gives?

      i know this might be a stupid possibly juvenile and superficial question, but i think it does kind of lend to this idea that Khadija and yourself talk about in terms of AA women trying to win in all situations that are most favorable to us.

      is this one of those situations where I as an AA woman need to chaneg it up to get what I want or simply be myself and accept that I may not get positive reinforcement as I do when my hair is straight?

      *sigh* i am really confused…

      • Evia says:

        Neecy, when I got married the first time, we moved to a more conservative state where my Nigerian husband got his first professional job. I had been wearing my hair in cornrows (and other natural styles) in NYC, but I saw that in the new state, ALL of the middle class bw who had professional jobs straightened their hair–either with the hot comb or perms or wore wigs/hairpieces. I also planned to apply for a professional job, so I knew I’d stand a much higher chance of getting the job if I straightened my hair because it was viewed (even by blacks there) as somewhat “radical” for a bw to wear natural hair.

        So I got my hair permed, got my professional job, proved my worth to the company, and I then went back to wearing my hair more naturally (got braids), and stopped perming my hair. I have never permed my hair since that point.

        The point is that you have to “crawl before you walk.” Rigidity is rarely the best strategy. There are trade-offs in life. I traded straightened hair for a professional job. After the folks there recognized my value to them irrespective of my hair style, they didn’t care how I wore my hair.

        There’s a difference between wearing straightened hair as a means to an end and wearing it because you just LOVE straight hair or think it’s better. Straightening my hair didn’t change me INSIDE. I did it to make it easy for me to manipulate those folks. I got what I wanted; they got what they wanted (higher comfort level), and we both went away happy.

        On the social front, IF the type of man you want prefers straight hair, then you’ve got to wear straighter hair to get him. Once you get his attention and get him, you can then gradually go back to being natural. I’m not going to pretend that all QLL men are advanced thinkers, but if he has the capacity to stretch his thinking (some men don’t), then he will see that you’re a QLL woman no matter how you wear your hair. And honestly, I wouldn’t care what my relatives and other women think UNLESS they’re giving me what I want or bringing enough value to my life to make it worthwhile for me to wear my hair straight to please them. The door must swing BOTH ways.

        • joyousnerd says:

          *hair guru butting in*

          Neecy, there are other ways to get the positive response you desire without perming your hair.

          Frequent straightening is neither needed nor desirable, as you know it takes forever and causes heat damage.

          I suggest you invest in a half wig or two with a straighter texture. You won’t need to straighten the front to blend it! You can merely moisten it, apply some leave-in conditioner and a few drops of oil, and smooth it with a boar bristle brush. Tie it down with a scarf for a few minutes until it dries. It will be straight and shiny to blend with your half wig, without heat or chemical damage.

          Ok, that’s all the free hair advice I’m going to force on you, lol.

          • Neecy says:


            Thank you Joyous!!

            But I HAAAAAAAATE putting anything on my hair/scalp – like wigs, weaves etc. never liked those things. I think i have discovered the issue (after speaking wih a couple g/f’s today)They say that longer hair really does suit me best (i have a big head and I am also plus sized)and while my natural hair is beautiful, the length doesn’t flatter my face. When my hair is pressed out, its longer and full giving me a nice balanced look. Maybe weight does play a role in how good one looks with short hair. Not to mention i also have a big head. LOL

            So Maybe I just need to try different styling options with my natural hair that give it more length and balances out my face. And now that I think about it the women who do look best with shorter hair typically are women who are thinner or have smaller frames. I realize now that my natural hair shrinks so much that it comes to my neck and doesn’t balance out my face and features as does longer hair.

            But I thank you for that advice – it sounds like a good idea for those who can stand wigs and weaves.

        • Neecy says:


          Thank you SO much. I had a feeling you were going to say what you did, I just kinda wanted a confirmation that its okay to sometimes change something up even if we don’t really want to but understand its something that can be beneficial to us for that time. What really made me start thinking was I have gone out twice this month to two different friends Bday celebrations at various locations. I colored my hair dark brown and straightened it the first week in Dec. then I decided to get it straightened again for the second party. While normally guys flirt with me they never ask me out. The last two times I went out I had my hair straightened, I was asked for my phone number quite a few times and even told how nice looking I am. Two women out in public told me they thought I was beautiful. At work, the people in the offices I visit we re ooohing and ahhing at my hair and how much they loved it. Now I don’t want to sound like some needy desperate woman who needs to be complimented for my looks. I am so far from that and I consider myself to be very secure with myself as a woman. But I am human, a woman and I am not going to lie it does feel good to have men go out of their way to tell you how beautiful you are when this normally does not happen. And then suddenly you change your hair and the compliments as asking out starts pouring in. It really confused me for a moment b/c I am such a strong headed person who is usually not going to budge my preferences or beliefs. And for so long I kept my hair natural possibly knowing it may not look the best on me, but that is what I wanted – my natural hair and I was going to wear it. Now my thought process may be changing. Maybe b/c I am getting up there in age (I am still mid 30’s but I am still getting up there).

          And yes I have to say that the men who have been complimenting me, and going out of their way to say something to me, to ask me out with my hair straight are the men/types that I am attracted to most. And I have to agree about proving yourself. I wore a perm all my life. Before I went natural I had a job in which I was at for about 6 months and they loved me. So when I did the big chop and started wearing my hair natural it wasn’t an issue. but had I tried getting that job before that I am not so sure b/c it was a very conservative industry and office and the BW who did work there had perms. And to be honest I didn’t look good with short hair b/c I have a big head. LOL. So even my attractiveness would have gotten in the way of them hiring me since I was the front office for this company. But the short hair was a necessary evil for me to start my journey for natural hair and thus I did it and it was never a problem.

          I guess as I become more mature these things do cross my mind and somewhat matter to me b/c I am not in my 20’s anymore (still in my 30’s) and I do want to increase my odds of finding someone – especially since I am not getting younger. I know you (and Khadija both) have been pretty blunt about how BW need to do what we need to do to get what we want out of life and even to make ourselves more appealing to the opp sex by making sure our appearance is on point. that is why I have (YAY) lost another 10 lbs and working hard on my weight. but then this just happened with the hair thing and I have been thrown for a loop! I believe I had a challenge this past month to something that I have always been rigid on.

          While I have been natural for close to 8 years, it has never hindered me professionally but I am starting to think now maybe it has hindered me in the love dept (besides my weight). Not b/c of the hair per se but I think natural hair may not look best on me? I dunno. It could possibly be a length thing in which my face simply looks better with longer hair? My natural hair shrinks quite a bit so when its straight the length is DRAMATICALLY longer. And I notice I don’t get the same positive reinforcement. maybe I need to face that fact? I dunno. But I see the heavy positive responses from the opposite sex and even other women when I wear long individual braids (which I simply can’t put up with b/c it takes my hair out too much) and straight hair. Shrugs I think I am now having to come to the realization that we have to do what looks best on us.

          I am not going to abandon my natural locks b/c I do love them but maybe I can change slowly or just straighten my hair more often as opposed to twice a year.

          thank you so much for your response it has helped me greatly!!!

          • SS says:

            I am only speaking for myself but I do not look good with natural hair (i.e. hair that’s tightly curled and reaches my neck). I know that sounds scandalous to some but I know it’s my personal truth. Some black women look absolutely stunning with natural hair but it’s not the same for all. I acquaint it with the fact that some women look good with their hair up versus down, with a bob versus long flowing hair, with a pixie cut versus a pony tail whatever. I had natural hair until I was 20 years old but the moment I permed it the compliments came in full force. I went back to natural but I still couldn’t lie to myself about how it really didn’t suit me as much as the straighter look. I am a plus sized woman working her way down and I agree that certain hair styles don’t flatter a bigger frame as opposed to a slender frame. Straighter or just longer hair even if its mircobraids is better suited to a larger woman than a shorter hairstyle. I suppose this is where we can learn a vital lesson about obesity. Obesity or being plus sized limits your choices even in the hair department.

          • foreverloyal says:

            I was going to suggest that it might be a length/volume thing. One of the contestants on a past season of top chef was a black woman with a long, thin face and a full fro.
            To me, she looked like a muppet.
            I saw her with he her straightened and she looked so lovely, it was such a difference to have her hair long and not standing away from her head.
            She really looked better.
            Now, she could of course achieve the same effect by wearing her hair in small twists, braids, or locs.
            Perhaps you have a similar issue.

            The following links show her with her fro, and then with styles closer to her head.




            see what I mean?

            Go with what flatters you most.

  8. Hodan says:

    Q1:After the first week of tuning out useless people, did you work to make this a permanent habit? Why or why not?

    A: I rarely interact with useless people in my day to day life. So, I would say I’m even more vigilant towards nonsense from people or pointless entertainment.

    Q2:Have you reduced the amount of attention you give to useless people? Why or why not?

    A: Yes, I’m a reserved person most of the time and as I get older, very selective with the people in my life.

    Q3:Or have you gravitated back to avidly following what useless people are saying and doing? Why or why not?

    A: lol, it happened I think twice, but you learn to identify such individuals from a far and their possible damage is greatly minimized.

    About the ‘charming butterflies’ exercise, to be quite honest, I did not know black women were considered loud, uncultured and aggressive until I started interacting with other black women from the Caribbean and hanging out with some of my distant relatives in the State. Can’t speak for every African culture, but we sure have some bloody loud people in certain parts, mostly men. In my culture, unless you are imitating current reality of our black community, its considered low class to see women who are loud, aggressive and dropping the F-Bomb. My mom calls it street behavior or someone who did not have a mother to raise them well.

    I always considered myself reserved and unapproachable, but according to people I work with or former professors (mostly whites and other non-blacks), I’m a happy and inclusive person whom they enjoy being around. It was a shock to me that somehow I have this positive attitude about me….mainly because I’m a political junkie and love to discuss anything under the sun and have strong opinions sometimes considered controversial……but apparently I convey it without alienating my audience.

  9. JoyousNerd,

    Good for you in tuning out the Ikes and Ikettes!


    You said, “For the life of me, I could never understand why other black women were so quick to politicize themselves in normal conversations.”

    Because that’s what many AA women have been programmed to do—to engage in nonstop racism-chasing and historical grievance-rehashing when in the presence of Whites. This shouldn’t be a mystery to anybody who grew up among AAs. Those readers who didn’t grow up among other AAs might not be aware of this.

    But to those who did grow up in AA environments: Let’s not play like we don’t know why AA women are doing certain things. It’s similar to Chris Rock dishonestly pretending not to know why so many BW are hung up about their hair—because the BM they want to attract have a fetish for long, Caucasian-type hair.

    AA women are the only ones the bc trains and expects to function as vigilant guard dogs who enforce acknowledgment of AA grievances. Meanwhile, AA males tend to keep their options open, and seek out opportunities to socialize with White women—without giving a single thought about their current grievances with WW’s (WM) fathers and brothers.


    You said, “If a bw is not winning or at least breaking even, she needs to be quiet, or go home, or go somewhere and sit down.”

    Indeed! {chuckling}


    You said, “About the ‘charming butterflies’ exercise, to be quite honest, I did not know black women were considered loud, uncultured and aggressive until I started interacting with other black women from the Caribbean and hanging out with some of my distant relatives in the State.”

    Well, there’s no reason for you to know because you’re not an American, and not part of AA culture. The efforts to normalize the coarse, unfeminine behavior under discussion is a relatively recent thing among AAs. The loud talk, the public cursing, and that other mess were previously looked down on as the behavior of “no class” people who didn’t have any “home training.” [As your mother put it, the cursing and other behaviors are the result of not being raised well.]

    Expect Success!

  10. ARLYNE says:

    “My two cents” It is unfortunate that the most basal, most unattractive, most unsophisticated, and the most unproductive behavior is considered “keeping it real”. Being real identifies with the lowest common denominator of the BC. Being real means to never enlist more uplifting, attractive, productive or non-destructive behaviors. Keeping it real means staying in a situation that does not stretch or challenge you. Keeping it real is a warm place to feel safe from having to grow or change. Yet, the person stil feels their behavior is superior, because it is real.
    I love being quiet around WM. I have found they enjoy my receptive personality. Whereas, BM would have mental meltdowns if I behaved in a receptive matter. They would keep bringing up my not talking and focusing on my quietness. They would begin to act anxious and panicky. Others would demand that I speak. Do any of you know why this happens?

    [Khadija interrupting this comment to reply: I’m asking AA women to get in the habit of tuning out useless BM. You’re asking BW to spend time analyzing why the useless BM you described have their peculiar reactions. Analyzing damaged BM’s damage is the opposite of tuning them out. I don’t care why the BM you’ve described have the reactions you’ve experienced from some of them when you’re quiet and receptive.

    BM’s problems/issues belong to BM, not BW. It’s not BW’s responsibility to figure out BM’s issues—it would be better if we stopped doing that altogether. I don’t want this conversation to veer off into yet another analysis of The Damaged BM’s Psyche—I’ll delete any comment that engages in damaged BM-analysis.]

    I never asked a BM why he was having such a problem with my not talking. I am married now and have little interaction with BM. But, the next time I am in a social setting and a BM starts freaking out at my quiet personality, I will make an effort to ask him why is he upset.

    [Khadija speaking: Who cares why the BM you’ve described have a problem with you not talking? That’s a waste of time, and would most likely lead to an unproductive interaction. However, it’s your time to waste (if that’s what you want to do).]

    Letting a man do things for you is feminine. If you have chosen a good man, relax and trust him to handle things. Some BW are so frighten of letting go. I say sometimes letting go is stronger than holding on. I know the fear comes from a lifetime of DBR’s here, there and everywhere. Feminine behavior does not make you less than nor stupid, helpless or weak. Femininity is a woman’s strength. Being able to respect and admire your man is a good reflection on you. It is a reflection of your worth and your ability to choose. Learn to sit back and relax and let him drive. You will be surprise that you have still gotten there, and you will have made him (the man you love, right?) feel competent and MANLY. This is how you are strong. Maybe that was three cents 😉

  11. Karen says:

    After the first week of tuning out useless people, did you work to make this a permanent habit?
    Yes, it has actually been a way of life for quite some time.

    Have you reduced the amount of attention you give to useless people?
    Oh yes, I am quite good via my personal radar at screening people out early and discouraging further interactions where possible. In work settings, I have become very adept in a polite/professional way to minimize the amount of time spent with such people.

    Or have you gravitated back to avidly following what useless people are saying and doing? Why or why not?

    Absolutely not…there is no benefit to such interactions

    I was born a butterfly, there was a brief period where my environment tried to push me back to caterpillar but I was able to break free of it and have been a butterfly ever since *smile*.

    I co-sign with the others in terms of interactions with men. Men love to talk and have an engaged listener. If I have something to say, I will offer my opinion but there is always more to be learned with listening. After all, we are born with two ears and only one mouth..;-)

  12. EclecticPearl says:

    Hello Khadija! I recently discovered your blog. Although I am native Nigerian (living in the US), I was nodding in agreement, smiling and applauding. So I did the only reasonable thing by immediately bookmarking your website in my favorites. To encounter broad-minded, intelligent Black women such as yourself who do think beyond the norm delights me! I just wish I could meet more women such as yourself in my real-time relationships. Please keep up the excellent work because it is not in vain. Women like myself who have long understood the many plights concerning Black women deeply appreciate your efforts along with other BWE bloggers.

    Concerning this particular post, I completely agree with you about Black women learning to act like “butterflies” rather than mules. Part of the issue is that some Black women embrace those mule and soldier roles. For example, on a facebook group for Black women, I recently read a quote that proudly boasted of the Ethiopian women going to war along side their husbands. Should the husband be killed, the wife or women would avenge his death. The first thought that came into my mind was “who defends and fights for the women and the children?” This quote was posted by a Black women of course. I have yet to read anything about African men doing the same for the women but I’ve come across stories similar to the above. In fact, on the same group the same Black women admin posted an article about the ‘grim sleeper’ serial killer. The following is her reply on the story:

    “If the bros choose not to protect us we will have to protect ourselves and that may not always be effective in the situation we currently find ourselves in! @ Jonathan! so if Black Love is not revived and put in2 practice WE ARE ALL Doomed to destruction….PERIOD.”

    For women like her, they believe it’s either do or die when it comes to ‘black love’ and without it, we are all doomed. Notice how she offers no other solutions for Black women other than to carry the burden themselves (usual story). Disgusting! Black women should not be afraid to show their softer and delicate side, and reserve our inner strength, using it in ways that benefits us instead of working against us.

    • Eclectic Pearl,

      Hello there, and welcome aboard! 🙂 Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it.

      You said, “Concerning this particular post, I completely agree with you about Black women learning to act like “butterflies” rather than mules. Part of the issue is that some Black women embrace those mule and soldier roles. For example, on a facebook group for Black women, I recently read a quote that proudly boasted of the Ethiopian women going to war along side their husbands. Should the husband be killed, the wife or women would avenge his death. The first thought that came into my mind was “who defends and fights for the women and the children?”

      We know the answer to that: NOBODY protects Black women and children. Here in the US or abroad. White-male-dominated law enforcement is the only organized group of male protectors that African-American (AA) women and children have. This fact was specifically discussed in the post You Betta Recognize, Part 2: White Male-Dominated Law Enforcement Is The Only Thing Standing Between You And Mass Rape In Black Neighborhoods.

      You said, “For women like her, they believe it’s either do or die when it comes to ‘black love’ and without it, we are all doomed. Notice how she offers no other solutions for Black women other than to carry the burden themselves (usual story). Disgusting! Black women should not be afraid to show their softer and delicate side, and reserve our inner strength, using it in ways that benefits us instead of working against us.”

      Well, AA women who are Black Love Dead-Enders are doomed. The trend lines don’t favor their delusions or delusional slogans about “Black love.” As I mentioned in an early post,

      Mark my words: The “Black women as martyrs” recruiters will keep demanding that you martyr yourself no matter what happens. They will continue making these demands until the final demise of the African-American collective. They will repeat the same slogans as African-Americans continue becoming more deeply entrenched in permanent underclass status, and overall disintegration.

      They will keep making these demands of you even after the African-American out of wedlock birthrate reaches 90-95 percent. The 1965 Moynihan Report warned about the rising illegitimacy rate among African-Americans. Most of our people didn’t heed the warning. Instead, we recited angry slogans in response.

      They will keep making these demands of you even after the African-American male interracial relationship rate approaches 50 percent and beyond. For those of you who think this can’t or won’t happen, I would refer you to the current example of the Caribbean Black male population in the United Kingdom. West Indian Black men’s interracial relationship rate in the UK has reached 48 percent. (See the BBC Caribbean.com story from January 19, 2009, The Mixed Race March in Britain.)

      In fact, the UK situation is a sneak preview of how African-American men will continue their singular focus on seeking their own individual bliss while the deceived masses of Black women in the U.S. keep trying to uphold “Black love” and the “Black family” . . . all by themselves.


      In the US, this “Black love” and “Black marriage” talk is a DEAD END. As I said in the early post mentioned above,

      There won’t be any collective solution to what has been called “Black Marital Mogadishu” in the United States because 50% of the participants needed for any Black marriage—Black men—benefit from the current absence of marriage among African-Americans. Black men generally like things the way they are right now.

      The collapse of the African-American family is not about a lack of jobs. It’s about African-American men generally being content with the collapse of the African-American family. Black men will complain about the aftershocks created by the mass absence of marriage among African-Americans, such as the legions of fatherless, violent Black male criminals. But other than that, they’re content with the status quo.

      Anybody who thinks that this behavior is driven by a lack of opportunity should examine the collective behavior of the African-American men who do have “good” educations and jobs. Since so many Black men in that category are not marrying at all, or they’re not marrying Black women, there’s no reason to assume that Black women would gain from African-American men having more opportunities. I learned that just by watching the behavior of the Black men that went to college and law school with me. There’s usually little to no return on that investment (creating opportunities for African-American men) flowing back to any Black woman at all.

      If you look at their mass behavior and not their rhetoric, it’s clear that most African-American men don’t value marriage, and are not concerned about the now-dead “Black family.” African-American men like the status quo situation of their mass refusal to marry the Black women they have sex with and impregnate. From outward appearances, most African-American men are happy with a lifetime of sleeping around without the commitments or responsibilities of marriage.

      If you look at their mass behavior, it’s also clear that African-American men are also not particularly concerned about the children they produce.

      These “save the dead Black family” discussions are not even a blip on most African-American men’s radar . . . unless Black women start talking about solutions that don’t include continuing to wait around for African-American men—such as interracial marriage and a focus on dating non-African-American Black men (for those Black women who must have a Black man as their husband).

      Those of us who are serious about living well need to get clear of “Black female-Black Love Dead-Enders.” If sojourners feel like they’re being subjected to hateration right now, just wait—you haven’t seen anything yet. When the BF-Black Love Dead-Enders:

      (1) read the results of the latest US Census report (which will document that AA males are on the path to catching up with their British West Indian BM “cousins” in terms of IRR—thank God for that!*),

      (2) watch increasing numbers of Sojourners move on into abundant life with husbands from the global village,

      (3) and finally let it sink into their heads that NOBODY is coming to their rescue . . .

      WATCH OUT! The BF-Black Love Dead-Enders will vent an explosion of hateration toward the sojourners who escaped.

      *Why do I say “Thank God!” that AA males’ interracial relationship rates are steadily catching up with those of West Indian BM in the UK? Because a leopard doesn’t change its spots! It’s better for AA males to take their issues and collective damage to nonblack women who can better withstand that damage. Nonblack women are more likely to have supportive family networks that support them when their AA male boyfriends, husbands, and baby daddies abandon them and their children. Leopards don’t change their spots.

      Apparently, Caribbean-British BM in the UK have many of the same deficits as AA males. The results of many Caribbean-British BM’s unions with WW in the UK have been thoroughly documented. From the British Journal of Social Work:

      SUMMARY It is now well documented that the majority of mixed-parentage children who enter the public care system in Britain have a white biological mother and a black African Caribbean father. This paper explores some of the underlying factors which increase the vulnerability of mixed-parentage children. The situation of white single mothers is examined in the context of ‘race’, class, gender and location in British society. Empirical findings from two recent research studies provide a profile of white single mothers and their children in receipt of social work help and assistance. Areas for further discussion are raised within this framework.

      (emphasis added)

      Anyone who has been involved in child welfare in the US has observed similar patterns. It’s quite clear that, regardless of the mother’s race, a HUGE disproportionate percentage of American children in foster care are BM’s children.

      The bottom line is that the masses of AA men DON’T do any better by nonblack women and the children they have with these women than what they do with BW and children. The vast majority of AA men CAN’T build or sustain wholesome families. So, it’s best that they take their deficits to some other type of woman.

      Anyhoo, when the BF Black Love Dead-Enders who are counting on AA males to “do better” finally wake up from their delusion … there’ll be an implosion among these women. That’s why the rest of us need to get FAR AWAY from these women right now—before they realize that they’ve doomed themselves with their Black Love delusions.

      Expect Success!

      • Neecy says:


        Thank you for touching on this again. I too cannot WAIT until the new census data emerges. i am convinced when the new census comes out and slaps the “BM ONLY” sisters in the face they will STILL deny the results and argue there are still plenty of “GOOD BM” out there for BW. then they will go on about how they or a cousin of theirs has found one. OR they will talk about how “da white man” is trying to discourage “Black love” and the “Black family” by putting out false stats. LOL. This kind of thinking is borderline insane.

        i have a female friend who is attractive and has herself together. She is in shape, positive attitude and such. She told me she has set up an online profile and has not had any success. i asked her if she is only putting down BM only. She hesitated and said ‘uh no”. i don’t believe her. She claims she gets contacted by Non Black men, yet the only dates she seems to go on are with Crazy BM. I’m done with her and trying to discuss this opening up your option – NOW. She is 33 years old and is ready for a family and marraige, yet she still fools up with trifling BM. She can continue to make up excuses and stick by the brothers but BW like her are in for a rude awakening. I can easily see her at 40 still wondering when she is going to get married and start a family. She continues to have an off and on with a DBRBM who has no intentions on settling down, who lies to her about his relationship status and such. its sick. to see such an attractive well together BW waste her time. but I am so over it. I am finally at the point now where many of these sisters like my friend deserve to be alone and dealing with drama b/c they act like they don’t have a darn brain cell in their head. I’m not talking about it with her anymore. Now I just sit quiet as she talks about that Black guy or how she isn’t having success finding quality men online. i don’t say anything. i am done with the hand holding. IMO there is no excuse. To me she is the perfect candidate for an IR b/c she has herself quite together physically, career wise and such. She also takes amazing stunning pics. her excuse was she gets contacted by Non Black men but “the process is sooo long” yada yada. yet she found a way to manage a couple dates with BM who (1) didn’t look anything like their photos and (2) had issues.

        This sick facination/obsession with getting a BM is mind boggling to me. Especially when it comes from BW who have opportunities to meet and settle with decent quality men of other races.

        those Black love only crazies can miss me with their nonsense.

        When i get my physical self together I am going to start traveling to Europe to possibly find a mate. I would encourage the smart resourceful BW to do the same, b/c its gonna get real ugly as you stated. i am not wasting my time or energy anymore.

      • Neecy,

        I hear you. At this point, I feel that the time for certain types of warnings has passed. I would suggest that the Sojourners focus on getting their own nests feathered. And get clear of the BF Black Love Dead-Enders, “nuthin but a BM”-baby mamas, Sista Soldiers and all other deluded, indoctrinated AA women.

        Like I said before, if the Sojourners think they’re being envied and sabotaged now, y’all ain’t seen nuthin’ yet!

        Expect Success!

        • Neecy says:

          Yes. The Black community can be quite dangerous mentally, socially and physically to BW who flee and do not buy into that Propoganda anymore. Once increased numbers of AA women who get it start obviously fleeing, these BM and their sister soldiers are going to go in fulll force. Its already happening. There have been plenty of cases in which DBRBM (young ones at that) are physically creating harm to BW who are with Non Blk men. BW who normally go out freedom fighting for ANYONE who harms BM and the Black love only sister soldiers, remain quiet when these cases come about. they don’t care about the lives of other BW – and they damn sure take some sick pleasure in seeing Progressive BW “get theirs” for daring to live life on their own terms.

          The most horrific case I have read so far was that of the one in which a young Marine officer (Polish) and his Black wife who lived in San Diego had RECENTLY married were brutally murdered, shot execution style raped by several Black marines who worked under the White male. They had been watching this couple and obviously took offesne to an attractive BW living well with their WHITE SUPERIOR (their boss). They tortured her in front of her new husband and made him watch as they raped and brutalized her. After that, they shot htem execution style.

          this story did not make national headlines (of course it was a BW brutalized). this goes back to what you and many other BWE bloggers are saying that NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE THE BW. There is no calvary coming on horeseback to save us. We must save ourselves individually as Progressive BW and be smart and resourceful for our own safety and quality of life.

          that is why Progressive BW need to be utilizing this time now to nest. B/C Bm and Blacks can get ugly with BW who don’t conform. They will enlist others if need be. The worse is, many of these sister soldiers will not fight for justice to any Progressive BW who are in harms way of BM.

          BW who have created their own nests can avoid this. but the time is NOW to start.

          i am not trying to scare or sound negative – but it is what it is. Those who doubt or who are dragging their feet need to be forewarned that now is the time to stop looking back and start moving forwrd QUICKLY.

  13. Lorie says:

    I’ve been dating men of all ethnicities. I notice that the seemingly quality BM are attracted to my butterfly behavior but they don’t know what to do with a butterfly. I let them have the drivers seat but they always sit still waiting for me to direct them, to take charge. Often I feel as though they would rather be the woman in the relationship because they don’t know how to lead. They want a woman who looks like a butterfly but acts like a mule/their mother. Very disappointing and quite a turn off.

    Anyway, I only have one non contributing male in my life, my younger brother. He will be 21 soon. At that point, I know I must cut him off if he doesn’t take on the behaviors of a contributing man instead of a spoiled, ungrateful, irresponsible, selfish boy.

  14. D,Palmer says:

    I love your article,regarding tuning out the guttersnipe’s in today soceity. I attend college and I encounted so many people who are not postive in there live. Some are young african american female’s who lack manner’s and who contantly act out for attention.I have been call white girl and mock because I keep quiet and listen to my instructor’s with respect.I truly wish some of these young women would just stop and look at there behavior and change. I consider myself a imago because I continued to change and grow. Thank you for this information.

  15. Lorie,

    Onward and forward!


    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it!

    Expect Success!

  16. For New Readers:

    Since I don’t plan on doing any more “sound the alarm” sorts of posts, here’s the link to a recent post summarizing the warnings and predictions (both accurate and inaccurate) that I’ve made over the past couple of years. http://sojournerspassport.com/last-call-to-evacuate-black-residential-areas-before-the-peace-walls-go-up/

    As I said during that post,

    Unfortunately, most Black blogs are either talking about foolishness, or engaging in empty venting that does nothing to change one’s life circumstances. I don’t believe in wasting people’s time like that. Both here and at the previous blog, I’ve been committed to doing more than that. I’ve been committed to providing cutting edge analysis of the many trends that affect African-American women; and to providing actionable information to help readers achieve abundant life.

    This has been my goal all along. In my own small way, I’ve been trying to help fill a void that has been left by the African-American misleadership class. I know our (mis)leaders don’t have any strategic planning in place. They’re not paying attention to the trend lines. Beyond reenacting protest scenes from 1950s Selma, I don’t know what these people are doing. Their only plan (such as it is) seems to consist of reacting to other people’s plans being implemented.

    If you haven’t seen it before, please take the time to read this post.

    Expect Success!

  17. Evia says:

    WATCH OUT! The BF-Black Love Dead-Enders will vent an explosion of hateration toward the sojourners who escaped.

    Exactly, Khadija. And this hateration is sometimes going to take a physical form. Well, ultimately, it’s MOSTLY going to take a physical form. This is all the more reason why it’s so urgent for bw to get AWAY sooner rather than later. But a lot of younger and clueless bw STILL don’t GET IT! They really, really don’t realize how much DANGER they’re in from the various DBRs of whichever socioeconomic sector. The different sectors of DBRs will sometimes operate in different ways, but ALL of them target bw.

    Bw have even become a new SPORT for certain DBRs and they are going to try to score in various ways against bw–both online and offline. Offline, they’re going to become much more PHYSICALLY dangerous. Actually, they’re already physically dangerous and we know that many of their attacks are not reported by bw. A lot of AAs try to keep this on the down-low because they don’t want to spread the notion that SOME blacks are dangerous. This means that if a bw gets hit up side her head by a DBRbm, she will just swallow that attack and not report it because reporting it may mean that a white policeman might beat her little black son to death one day.

    These are the shrinking options for many AA women these days who live in hell zones because of the way many AA women have allowed themselves to be positioned.

    Anyway, here are two glaring examples from my emailbox.

    (1) A young bw sent me a note in which she said, she was entering a check cashing place recently where a bunch of DBRs were hanging around out front. She said she knew they were probably there to sell drugs to folks or beg for money or whatever, but she still had to go past them to get inside in order to cash her check. They were crowded right at the door. Just as she was entering the door, one of them put his hand on her belly and started rubbing it. She jumped away and told him she would “stab his azz,” if he ever touched her again. She said that this just made his day. He and his DBR buddies doubled over laughing.

    They had SCORED! She was their entertainment for the moment. We don’t know how many bw they do this too on a daily basis.

    (2) A bw sent me a note in which she said that her young niece was approached at the mall by a DBR. He asked her niece for her phone #. She tried to ignore him and kept walking faster, but he continued to badger her. When he saw that he wasn’t going to get her number, he slapped her face very hard and then ran away.

    We don’t know how many times this happens on a daily basis to bw.

    The bottom line is that DBRbm are NOT going to allow bw in general to reject them without these males trying to retaliate in some kind of way. Males usually will retaliate physically or at least try to ir threaten to do so. So, I think that bw need to learn how to avoid the physical danger from these encounters. This is not the easiest thing to do at this point since many bw still have to be around DBRs or believe they have to live around other blacks. Why is this when they should already know that blacks tend to allow all sorts of out-of-control behavior from other black??????

    Re incident #1, I would suggest that she never go to that check cashing place again or even that general area EVER again because it could happen again. In general, that incident has wounded her and made her more apprehensive about ALL men. That DBR knew he could put his hands on her and NOTHING would happen to him, so I know that he’s done that lots before. At the same time, it fosters a sense of helplessness in the young woman who was assaulted. What are her options? If she does indeed stab him or trying to fight back, she’ll end up with a record or will go to jail. Also, it hardens her “attitude” toward ALL men; the next man who speaks to her might be an okay guy, but she’ll probably want to curse him out and this only reinforces in the minds of the public that bw are not as feminine as other women, or are physically/verbally aggressive and have bad ‘tudes.’

    In advocating that bw adopt butterfly behavior, I did acknowledge that this is difficult around DBRbm or DBRbw. So bw must do EVERYTHING possible to avoid contact with DBRs, and in ANY set of circumstances, there are always other options. For ex., I’d rather take the bus across town to avoid being around DBRs. I’d rather take a pay cut than be around DBRs. In other words, I advocate that bw make MAJOR sacrifices to avoid being around DBRs and other zombies because if not, they’re going to try to crush your spirit. If they can’t kill or hurt your body, they will definitely savage a bw’s spirit.

    In incident #2, the niece could have avoided being slapped by simply giving the DBR a phony #.

    Let’s be real! Bw are in PHYSICAL danger much of the time when they’re around DBRs. Period. But many bw do NOT want to accept this. They don’t tell their daughters this because they’re trying to be FAIR.

    It’s interesting that many AA men often KNOW they’re in danger around other low-caliber AA men, especially, but so many AA women can’t seem to grasp this. The typical AA man who’d go into that check cashing place is already braced for danger. I have bm cousins and they are always ready to give a stupid-acting DBR a major beatdown, if necessary. But my bm cousins do all they can to AVOID such places. But my bm cousins are all over 6 ft tall, so they don’t tend to get bothered. DBRs tend to target black WOMEN.

    AA women: Y’all had better GET IT! YOU must realize that SOME of you, your daughters, and many other bw you know and like/love are the new SPORT and entertainment for many DBRs. As Khadija has pointed out, the ONLY thing protecting any AA woman from being savaged by some AA males this morning is white law enforcement. However, these DBRs know they can do a lot to you with no consequences or minimal consequences from white law enforcement. So, many of them are out there having fun with YOU in that no-penalty zone.

    • Lynn says:

      I totally agree, Evia. I’m always hypervigilant in the situations such as Evia describes above. This is all the more reason to keep yourself in great physical shape. Because I where I live and shop, I rarely encounter DBRs. On the infrequent occasions that I do, I usually am moving way to0 fast for one to approach me. A BW who excercises on the regular is usually in better shape than most of these lazy DBRs. However, this is not a surefire tactic to avoid them.

      Always be hypervigilant around these ‘men’. I’ve come to adopt the behaviour of other ethnicities when I see them coming. I don’t care about being viewed as rude to cross the street, go into another store/entrance, or call some sort of authority on these loiterers. Still it’s best to move up and away from DBRbm and the communities that enanble them.

    • SS says:

      I certainly hope black women heed your advice. A few months ago there was a report on cutbacks in the police force in certain poor sections of New Jersey. The media mentioned the dates the cutbacks were to be in effect. Gang members in New Jersey started wearing T-shirts with the date printed on the back. When I heard that on the news I shuddered to think about what that meant for the poor black women and girls living in that area. Immediately Khadija’s post about white male enforcement officers being the last line of defense for black women and girls came to mind. Black women need to leave these black populated areas for their own safety as well as their own peace of mind

  18. Evia,

    You said, “Let’s be real! Bw are in PHYSICAL danger much of the time when they’re around DBRs. Period. But many bw do NOT want to accept this. They don’t tell their daughters this because they’re trying to be FAIR.

    It’s interesting that many AA men often KNOW they’re in danger around other low-caliber AA men, especially, but so many AA women can’t seem to grasp this.

    …DBRs tend to target black WOMEN. AA women: Y’all had better GET IT! YOU must realize that SOME of you, your daughters, and many other bw you know and like/love are the new SPORT and entertainment for many DBRs.

    This is all the more reason why it’s so urgent for bw to get AWAY sooner rather than later.”


    Expect Success!

  19. Evia says:

    Khadija and the rest of you, PLEASE excuse my typos/errors and pls correct them if you reprint my comment. LOL!

    And Khadija, you, I, and other BWE bloggers have TRIED to do our best to warn bw, but I can often tell from the subtext of many of their comments that some bw who comment on the various BWE sites that they still don’t GET IT! They don’t get the urgency and they don’t get the level of imminent danger.

    All we can do is do our best.

  20. FoxyCleopatra says:

    I believe the MAIN reason why these DBRbm are so bold and willing in being
    violent/threatening/intimidating towards bw is because the believe and dare I say, KNOW
    that they will get away with it.

    Case in point:
    One day in uni about 3 or so years ago, my sister was talking with some other Nigerian boy.
    I do not know exactly how the conversation came about but my sis said that if a guy (whether
    A partner or friend) ever lay his hands on her, she would report him to the police ASAP
    irrespective of how minor the assault may have been. This Nigerian boy then said “come
    on don’t you think that’s harsh? What if he goes to prison or gets deported bcos of it.
    It would affect his education!”. My sis then said “So? Should he not have thought of that
    before? If it was a girl from here (ie white/English), would he do it? No, bcos he KNOWS
    it is most likely she’ll report him to police but if its an African girl, when ‘fit hits
    the shan’, he’ll try the ‘brotha, brotha / sista, sista lines like that!”.

    The guy then looked at my sis in complete shock and disbelief that a Nigerian/African girl
    would dare have this mindset towards black males and domestic violence.

  21. FoxyCleopatra says:

    Re the woman on fbook praising Ethiopian women going to war:

    This nonsense is not new among black folk especially Africans. This is part of why I believe there is something seriously wrong with black males. When I look at the civil rights struggle in America and how (I’m sorry to say) SHAMELESS and COWARDLY bm allowed bw to be guard dogs and be kicked and beaten by white male police, bitten by the police dogs etc, I can but shake my head. One might say, well what should bm have done? Well I say “who exactly in a group is supposed to fight/protect against male oppressors from another group? Yet today, bm have no problem spitting in bw’s faces and diminishing their contributions to d civil rights struggle. Outside Africa, the only times I have seen women collectively fighting against men have been in women’s rights struggles across the world. Excluding the civil rights struggle, the only places throughout history were I have seen women try and fight against oppression (with serious risk of physical harm to them) from an outside male group have ALL occured in Africa. Look at the Ashante group in present day Ghana. It was the women who had to take up arms to rescue their king when he was kidnapped by the English. That was some centuries ago! I can find similar stories of this among women in present day Angola (in their fight against the Portugese and Dutch). These women had to do this because their men were either unwilling or unable to fight these male opressors, but for some reason, those constraints did not seem to affect the women…yeah right!

    Looking at this, bw’s exeprience during the civil rights struggle and the burden on the collective of black women today, what is the recurring cause? Black men’s collective refusal to do what sane properly functioning men wouldn’t even need to think twice about doing. The difference between bw today and thos of yesteryear is that we have many more options and much more freedom. There is no excuse to not take advantage of it. Completely cut these no-functioning males (black or not) out from your life. If he adds nothing to your life, well then you lose absolutely nothing from cutting him out.

    • FoxyCleopatra,

      What you’re pointing out is that there’s a generalized lack of normal manhood among the males of the entire Black world. Judging from the historical examples you cited, this large scale lack of manhood has existed for centuries. Time and time again, BM cowered behind BW’s skirts and stood back while BW faced aggression and danger from men—both outside men and internal men. Right now, there’s the deranged example of the Deborah movement that I mentioned in one of the earlier posts I linked to earlier in the comment section,

      With the limited exception of the Nation of Islam, there generally are no organized group of male protectors within Black residential neighborhoods. The masses of African-American men assume no responsibility whatsoever for protecting the women and children in their neighborhoods. That’s why deeply confused African-American women, such as the Deborah movement in Chicago try to take on the male duty of protecting Black residential areas. White male-dominated law enforcement is the only thing currently standing between the Black women and girls who live in Black neighborhoods and mass rape. More African-American women need to remember that before having knee-jerk anti-police reactions.

      (emphasis added)

      About Dr. King and the AA Civil Rights Movement: Dr. King’s strategy of throwing Black women and children out onto the front lines to face violent, racist White men was one of the reasons why I never liked or admired Dr. King. Not even as a preteen. Those pictures of BM civil rights marchers standing around while Black women and children were being attacked always left a very bad taste in my mouth.

      And as a smaller child, I didn’t understand any of that because I knew my Dad would NEVER tolerate anybody putting their hands on me, Mom, or my brother. [Of course, he’d end up dead—but there’d also be a whole lot of dead, violent WM racists. Dead racists who were given some intensive counseling via Smith & Wesson.] So, I didn’t understand how those Black husbands and fathers from that era let violent White racists sic dogs and beat their wives like that. I also didn’t understand how those Black children’s parents let them face danger—from violent ADULTS—like that. All I knew was that my father would never permit such with his family.

      I’ll give the Nation of Islam credit that on those rare occassions when they had physical confrontations with anybody (drug dealers, other violent criminals, whoever), it was the MEN in the Fruit of Islam who were assigned the front line duty of dealing with the threat.

      Like you said, it’s a new day and a new set of circumstances. There is NO reason for any BW living in the West to endanger herself with physical Sista Soldiering (like the Deborah movement fools or the African women you mentioned).

      Expect Success!

  22. D,Palmer says:

    Many african american should learn self defense and weapons training.I was attack in broad daylight by a group of african american teenger’s on the bus. I choke the attacker and the others back down. So I now take firing lesson and martial arts and I still survey my surrounding. I am very thankful I was able to process the threat quickly and survive.Also weight training,yoga and cardio help me. Better safe than sorry.

    • Karen says:

      I am very glad that you were unhurt.

      If at all possible, please try to remove yourself from such environments as soon as humanly possible as such attempts at violence will only escalate as the “Age of Turmoil” increases.

      These creatures are going “feral” which means these areas have become Rwanda zones. AA BW women and children remaining in these areas do so at their own peril.

  23. ARLYNE says:

    You are right. Analyzing why BM behave as they do IS pointless. I suppose I should take my own advice and let go. Thank you, Khadija.

  24. Ladies,

    Before I excuse myself from this particular conversation, I just wanted to say how happy I am that we can discuss hair-related issues with a focus on common-sense and practical matters—as opposed to Hair Ideology and Hair Wars.

    With various issues (hair, weight, corporal punishment/spanking, etc.), ALL I care about is one basic question: Is Option X working for or against an individual woman’s goals? Short, natural hair does NOT flatter every individual BW’s face. As various readers have pointed out, some women have heads and faces that look better in combination with longer hair. [However that longer-hair “look” is achieved—be it locs, twists, or straightened hair.]

    Anyhoo, I hope more AA women will cultivate the ability to look past ideology and focus on making choices that operate in support their own personal goals. Instead of choosing counterproductive things due to ideology and then angrily trying to get reality to bend in adjustment to that ideology.

    Expect Success!

    • Zoopath says:

      I second that emotion! I have never, ever seen a *strategic* conversation about natural vs. straighterned hair among black women online in my entire life. Wow, it’s like a unicorn just pranced across my living room.
      To anser the question in the post. I never really frequented bossip or any sites like that but I have dramitaclly decreased my exposure to soul-killing media and I’m better for it. I have fewer moments of despair with wondering what will become of our people as if that’s something that I should take responsibility for. I’ve also disconnected my automatic feeling of loyalty for BM regardless of socioeconimic status. I make it my business to know the “body of work re: AAW” of any person or organization before I support it. That litmus test has really culled the herd of entities that I feel obligated to support. It’s amazing (in a sad way) how many people expect us to be civil rights mules.
      As for the butterfly aspect. I have started working out more, I’ve never been overweight (max 110lbs) but I’m very out of shape and not my best at that weight for my frame. I didn’t want to get on that slippery slope to truly being overweight. My mom asked if I was pregnant around Thanksgiving because my hips had spread, that was my cue to get it gear, lol! Joyous nerd suggest exercise videos and to my surprise, there are free exercise videos ondemand that I’ve been paying for this whole time and not using. They’ve been a great way to exercide at home. I’ve also been working on improving my elusive answers when networking. I’m far from Evia level but I’m better than I was last year. One great butterfly strategy is showing interest in what other people do for a living. I find that showing genuine interest in others really helps diffuse any first impressions of being a snob.

  25. ***Note to Readers***

    In making this new site the kind of project that’s sustainable for me over the long-run, I’ve had to streamline how I handle certain things. The comments section is one of them. What this means is that I’ll give substantive responses to those folks who enter the conversations early (as I did across the board at the previous blog).

    After each post is a couple of days old, I’ll generally continue to publish new comments from readers. (That meet the commenting guidelines as set forth at the previous blog—those who are unfamiliar can read the comment “box” at the previous blog.)

    But, after a each post is a couple of days old, I generally WON’T continue responding to new comments.

    [In other words, I’ll continue to publish comments to this post, but I’m not going to reply to anymore comments in this thread. FYI.]

    Expect Success!

  26. Miss V says:

    Khadijah, you said:
    Here are my questions for those who participated
    After the first week of tuning out useless people, did you work to make this a permanent habit?
    Yes, I have been working on that. Some days are better than others. Why or why not? Because I maintain my sanity that way. It also allows me to focus on improving my appearance (I’ve begun working out in the mornings before work).

    Have you reduced the amount of attention you give to useless people? Yes. Why or why not? For the same reasons listed above.

    Or have you gravitated back to avidly following what useless people are saying and doing? Lately, I’ve been slipping back. Why or why not? Because some of the blogs/groups I participate in discuss some DBRBM and depending on the topic, I’ve been participating in that. I have to admit though, it’s not as often as in the past, and sometimes I catch myself doing that.

    So, this is definitely a work in progress.