Finishing School Friday

Beauty tips. Fashion tips. Etiquette. Open forum.

*Audience Note* As usual, I’m mostly going to sit back and listen. Please feel free to talk among yourselves.

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39 Responses to “Finishing School Friday”

  1. Sylvia says:

    I was in the family law field for almost 25 years. I worked for a boutique law firm that represented your doctors, lawyers, politicians, athletes, and the very wealthy and elite. I had great opportunities to learn first hand how these people live and how they contribute/invest. One particular client, Mrs. “I” was so full of wisdom and has the greatest information to give on life, love, and how to live well on limited means. She was so stinking rich that she had a private plane that brought her into town and private car drive her to our office. Much of her advice has shaped my thoughts today on living well.

    Anyhow, at the time she was in her 50’s and going through a divorce, she told me that she tossed the linens in her home EVERY THREE months. (Gasp! Seriously?!) Here I was starting out in the legal field and I couldn’t afford to throw out ALL my linens every three months. I was newly divorced with a young child. She said, “You want to find love? Buy the BEST sheets money can buy. You only need one pair. If you have to wash every day, then so be it. Nothing less than 900 count thread sheets. When you want to attract a quality man, a quality man will check out the type of sheets he will be sleeping on. What man would want to sleep on K-Mart when there is Strouds [out of business now, but a high-end linen store at that time]? You attract a quality man by the quality in your home.”

    • SweetIslandGirl says:

      I love this advice! I was just coming in here to give the latest tip that I discovered this past weekend.

      Sylivia this is similar advice to whats been given in The Secret when someone desires a mate

  2. Chris says:

    I would like to mention the World Affairs Councils of America for those of you who not only want to keep abreast of international affairs, but have the opportunity to meet the people who help shape the world as we know it – ambassadors, consulate generals, presidential candidates, cabinet secretaries, etc…

    Most major cities – and a few minor ones – have their own chapters, and you can join according to your budget constraints, so even some of the college girls and recent graduates can join. Although, I will add that joining at a higher level gives you access to private receptions with special guests, and dinners with other higher level members (think networking opportunities).

    What I also like is the international and domestic trips the organization offers. And the strong education component, and their attempt to education middle and high school students about domestic and international affairs.

    Here are some websites for you to check out if you’re interested.

  3. medley says:

    Mayonaise as a Hair Moisturizer

    Take 2-3 teaspoons of mayonaise and massage thoroughly through freshly shampooed damp hair.Wait about 3-5 minutes before rinsing hair with warm water. Apply normal conditoner or creme rinse. Rinse again.

  4. GoddessM says:

    Hope this hasn’t been posted:

    I live in Miami and there’s a lovely store in one of the malls that sells all natural/organic products from dish liquid to hair spray. A sales associate told me of a product line they sell that tightens the skin during weight loss. Its made from the core of the pineapple which, when applied topically, dissolves/loosens the fat pocketed in cellulite. This is because of an enzyme called bromelain. Its also has benefits through ingestion as well.

  5. Monique says:

    My sister just found a new hair care place in NYC that specializes in curly/kinky hair. The salon also does processed/relaxed hair. Some treatments are a little pricey, but overall they seem to take good care of our type of hair. The salon is called Hair Rules. I believe their website is

    just thought I’d share…

  6. Tracy says:

    I hate being fat…..I seriously hate it. Ladies, for those of you that are winning the battle of the bulge, take heed: When you gain weight back, even tho the numbers on the scale may register less, your body is adding 25% more fat on top of your muscles. You weigh less, but you are bigger/bulkier. I swear, it feels like my skin is tighter, like a pair of cheap pants.

    Went back to Weight Watchers to undo what I have done over a 9 month period, and am kicking myself for letting myself get this out of shape. One thing I can tell you…stay in the mindset of health. You may not think that taking a little break from your healthy habits will hurt you, but if you are like me, with a body that not only stores, but COVETS its extra fat, that will be the death knell for your program. Take a long look at what your physical and emotional triggers are (mine are sugar and non mobility) and avoid them like the plague. Playtime is so over for me – Im ready to be done with this once and for all!!

    On the upside, I’m still somewhat cute…

    • Tracy,

      It turns out that the saying I was going to mention in response to your comment is actually a conflation of 2 separate passages from the Bible:

      “I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.” Ecclesiastes 9:11.

      “We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.” Hebrews 3:14.

      In any event, the point still holds: While there is breath in our bodies we keep going, holding firmly to the belief that we will win. Onward and forward to victory!

      Expect Success!

      • Tracy says:

        Thankyou for this Miss K!!! I will never give up, because I know how close to the finish line I got to the last race! LOL!!

        Like you say, Soujourner’s don’t look back and wallow, we just continue on with our work – even if (for now) it will be done in elastic pants! 🙂

        Success is within my grasp!

    • Oshun/Aphrodite says:

      Aww Tracy. Sorry to hear that you fell off, but I have confidence that you can get back into the swing of it. You were one of the first ones, if I recall correctly, who really kick started the talk about diet and exercise. You were and still are an inspiration. You can do it.

  7. MissASP1993 says:

    Hello Kadejah and Everyone! I haven’t commented in a while but I read daily. I will be going off to college in the fall and while thinking about what I want to accomplish there and was wondering if you or any of the ladies here have any specific dating advice for a young college girl? I’ve never even had a bf before so I just wondered what you all thought. Thanks in advance!

    PS: Melinda from the femininity blog just made a membership site. Its about $13/month. I might join but not now.

    • tertiaryanna says:

      1. Always assume the other person has been exposed to STD’s/STI’s. Many men are asymptomatic, so just because a guy looks ok, doesn’t mean you’re not at risk. Get tested together – and if you can’t ask for that, it’s a hint that maybe the guy isn’t quite worth it.

      2. NEVER EVER EVER EVER IN YOUR LIFE NOT ONCE EVER NOT EVEN WHEN YOU ARE 90 leave your drink unattended, drink alone in a group of guys, or leave your female friends alone with guys when they’ve been drinking out somewhere. If your friends would leave you alone, get new friends. Even if it’s guys you know. Especially if it’s guys you know.

      Get your own drink from the bartender, or let your girlfriends do it. EVEN IF IT IS NOT ALCOHOL.

      You may want to experiment with drinking alcohol (yes it’s illegal, but it still happens.) Alcohol can lower people’s inhibitions and cause a person to override their conscience. So if you are drinking, be careful before you start. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER drink and drive. EVER. Bring cab fare if you need to.

      3. Sexual consent is fluid: you can say yes, and then say no. It’s ok to say yes, and it’s also ok to say no. Even if you are lying in bed naked with someone, it’s ok to say no to sex. If it’s right, you can say yes later.

      4. If you haven’t already, get the HPV vaccine. It’s a 3 shot-series, and it’s generally covered by insurance. It’s not a lifetime cure-all, but should lower your risk for the 4 strains of HPV that commonly cause cervical cancer.

      5. Make it a habit to get annual gyn screenings. There are some STI’s that go undetected in women, and these can damage your fertility if left untreated.

      6. Oral sex is still sex, and so #1 still applies.

      7. Don’t have pictures taken of you that you wouldn’t want your grandmother to see.

      8. Remember: inexperience is just a function of time. Meaning, you won’t always be inexperienced. However, the transition between knowledge and lack of it doesn’t always happen slowly.

      And I believe that people who are very inexperienced are more at risk for out of control behavior, or of taking unnecessary risks because they don’t know their limits.

      You’ll be using this time to explore some of your limits (good thing!) but try to do it safely.

      9. I love this resource: I thought I learned a lot from here. I was really inexperienced even after 18, and I felt like this was a great resource.

      10. Learn to trust your instincts, the good and bad ones. But don’t let instinct override common sense. At 18, the number of guys and men that would be interested in you is EXTREMELY high. So you don’t have to waste time with guys that aren’t to your standard.

      10a. Have good standards. Would he be the kind of guy you’d want your daughter or sister to date? Then go for it.

      10b. Men are not fixer-uppers. If he’s not to your standard, keep it moving. You won’t be 18 forever.

      11. It’s good to date around, but be circumspect. Not everyone needs to know your business, but if you’re a completely closed book, it’ll paradoxically draw attention. It’s ok to be intentional with the information you reveal.

      12. That nerdy guy in the engineering lab is going to lose the glasses and make a ton of $$ one day.

      13. Don’t be too quick to get serious about a guy, even the nerdy one (it might be some time before he loses the glasses, lol.)

    • tertiaryanna says:

      I’m still thinking here.

      14. Dating is important, but boys should never interfere with grades or opportunities (e.g., internships, Junior Year Abroad, etc.)

      15. Good time management can help you balance a social and academic life. Another blog I love is Study Hacks, and that’s because the study skills/time management can open up your schedule to make that balance, because the lack of externally imposed structure + weedout classes in college can try even excellent HS students. You should not have to act like you’re in an isolation chamber to keep a good GPA.

      16. Do go to the cultural dinners at your school. It’s a quick way to broaden your social circle (it’s weird, but people can still be extremely provincial in college, and only have a tiny social circle, even though there are thousands of people your age.)

      17. A good way to get to know people is on a project, so try to make room for easy, casual projects like your school’s volunteer day.

      18. Leading a project is a lot of work. I don’t recommend you take a leadership position or heavily commit to extracurriculars during your freshman year. I think it’s ok to be a dilettante, especially during your first term, and it keeps your social circle wide.

      19. There’s more than one kind of relationship. Some people are hang-out friends, and some are shoulder to cry on. It’s good to have a mix because of #20

      20. Don’t make your boyfriend the center of your universe. If your whole social world would collapse if you two broke up, your life is imbalanced.

      21. Make lots of guy friends. Make friends with upperclass students (especially girls.)

      22. If you’re reasonably attractive and even remotely nice, you’ll get a lot of attention. However, not all male attention is because they want to be your boyfriend. Sometimes, it’s just because guys like to talk to pretty girls.

      Sometimes, it’s because they are attracted to you and wouldn’t mind hooking up with you, but don’t want to formally date you. Just reflect on what you want and proceed accordingly. It’s totally fine to keep it casual if that’s what you want.

      23. Reflect on what you want. It’s ok to not be too casual if you don’t want that. If you know you’re the kind of person who can’t deal with casual, don’t force yourself to do that to attract a guy. There are literally thousands of men at your college (and I don’t even need to know where you are going, because even Podunk U has thousands of guys.) And unless it really is out there in the sticks, there are other colleges out there.

      24. If the guy is not in school or working, do not date him. If the guy has kids, don’t date him. There’s no reason for you to date someone with less mobility than you. Remember: thousands of eligible guys, right where you live!

      25. Always, always use birth control. Get it before you think you need it. No method is 100% effective, so take some time to educate yourself about the best combination of methods.

      26. Few people stay with the same person forever. It’s ok.

      27. Sex doesn’t equal love, neither in the offer, nor in the acceptance of it.

      28. Co-rec sports are a good way to meet guys. So are things like music, film, games, etc. If it’s just one gender in your group, don’t make it your only group: if it’s all women, you won’t meet guys. If it’s all guys, dating one is like dating all of them, so either way it’s a hassle.

    • miss cosmic says:

      make friends with students studying programmes different to your own. this is strategic planning -in the future these will be your connections and contacts in those fields. ALWAYS remember that a sojourner reciprocates -make friendships to which you are also bringing something. if you go out with the sole purpose of making friendships to ‘get’ something out of them, your potential friends WILL pick up on your insincerity and yu will gain nothing.

  8. Candace says:

    Hello all!

    I came across a New York Times story on comparison shopping that had a link to amazon where they have a service that offers recurring shipment of all kinds of household and personal care products at a discount of 15% with free shipping.

    I thought I would add this as a comment because it seems like a way to potentially lower cost of everyday personal/beauty/hygiene items while eliminating travel time to and from the store, saving gas or cab/transit fare.

    My husband and I are looking into this now, literally going through our receipts and local grocery and drugstore flyers to compare prices. My only concern is that I won’t be able to use coupons, I’m a coupon ninja (: but if the numbers work out, my coupon days may be behind me. Here is the link if anyone is interested . The service is called Subscribe & Save.

  9. MissASP1993 says:

    I just saw that woman who lied about her address to her children’s school on Dr. Phil. I only glanced at the show but she and Al Sharpton (he’s so annoying) were sitting across from some wm arguing about what she did.

    • MissASP1993,

      Even though this is open forum, I don’t want to encourage people to invest any more time in discussing the dead issue of Kelley Bolar-Williams The Grifter And Thief. We’ve already thoroughly covered all the reasons why aspiring Sojourners must NOT rally around criminals and deviants like Kelley Bolar-Williams The Grifter And Thief. This was covered during the As A Quality Lady Would Think 3-part series of posts.

      Just because something is on TV does not mean that it’s automatically worthy of our attention or time. When a person responds on the basis of something being on TV, that means that whoever determines the TV programming is also determining that person’s thought patterns and agenda.

      Controlling which Negro slaves have access to television coverage is how nonblacks in the media determine who the current crop of Negro (mis)leadership will be. The TV programmers and producers also get to select and control which Blacks are celebrated by other AAs (for example, see the yearly NAACP Image Awards—these awards are granted to whichever Black person has been put on the screen—mostly by nonblacks—that year).

      This technique is how nonblacks get to control the content of most AAs’ conversations. Just look at most Black blogs. They’re basically reacting; they have no real agenda or “programming” of their own.

      One popular and considered astute Black political blog actually directs its readers attention, week after week, to Pres. Obama’s weekly public relations addresses. As if each and every blast of whatever hot air he chooses to blow during his regular public relations addresses is worthy of focused attention and discussion. Or they hang on every word uttered on TV by Rachel Maddow. All of that is crazy. Even the (cult) Nation of Islam’s paper, The Final Call, does NOT feature its (cult) leader Min. Farrakhan on each and every page.

      This strategy of nonblack selecting AA (mis)leaders and celebrities by selecting which Blacks they’ll feature on TV only works because too many AAs hop and skip and focus their attention based on whatever and whoever is being tossed onto the TV screen. AAs react instead of acting—or God forbid, being proactive.

      As I replied to a reader who mentioned this program to me, watching Kelley Bolar-Williams The Grifter And Thief, or anything about her, does NOT contribute value to my life. Why in the world would I spend my precious time watching her?

      Expect Success!

      • Truth P. says:

        To kinda expand on what you said,and keeping with the idea of the post,I suggest Sp readers watch National Geographics,The Discovery Channel,and The History Channel.You will always learn something from watching those channels and as a result you’ll have some very interesting things to talk about among more cultured people.
        You may also invent something as a result of watching.

        I have heard about a lot of things on NGG before I ever heard about it on the news such as global warming.I also find that some people who have come up with beauty and cleaning products may have gotten the idea from watching NGG or The Discovery Channel.

        There is that old saying “there is nothing new under the sun” and I definitely believe that.
        I find it funny that we sometimes refer to people in the past as uncivilized or primitive as if they’re not as evolved as us; but many of these people had been practicing medicine and had certain beauty regimens that people these days are now claiming to have invented and are making a profit off of it.Watching those channels can literally enRICH your life.

        • Dea says:

          Watching TED talks is another great way to enhance/improve your thought patterns and to learn of some of the great ideas that the educated/innovative are talking about or practicing.

  10. SweetIslandGirl says:

    Scented candles in the bedroom helps to create a nice ambiance and helps you to relax at the end of a long day. I have a scented candle right beside my door and as soon as I come in I take a deep breathe and begn unwindng. I also have 1 in my bedroom and I plan to add more. Its inspiring me to make my room a tranquil sanctuary.

    • Coffy says:

      Definitely agree. It took me a while to find good ones that lasted and would actually scent the whole room, but Yankee candles are the best! I love their Vanilla Cupcake scent. They can be expensive but you can catch them on sale at Bed Bath and Beyond or find them in Ross occasionally.

  11. MsMellody says:

    Hello Everyone,

    I was ordering my husband’s Valentine gift a few weeks ago, and while tooling around the Brooks Brothers site I saw a few book titles that I am going to order.

    I want to point out to the younger ladies here that there are all kinds of places to run across resources for the life you want to live. I found these titles quite helpful as that in the next few weeks we are planning to throw a huge social gathering, and I am quite nervous and preparing myself for this social get together.
    I immediately remembered these titles about social graces and the like and will look forward to reading them.
    I wanted to share them with others here;
    —- Please look to the right of the page at this link for the full list of the titles that cover the social graces that WE ALL need to learn about, or refresh in our memory!!—–

  12. MesaATLien says:

    Hi all! 🙂

    Here’s a tip for all of my fellow undergrads here: USE ALL THE RESOURCES THAT YOUR UNIVERSITY GIVES TO YOU!!!

    I can’t stress this enough with people, although I know 90% percent of the time it will go ignored. If you go to a big university like I do, chances are you have career services (they help you find a JOB!), computer software (Microsoft Word, Virus Protection), personal counseling (therapy), a bunch of other cool services, and one gigantic library where you can expand your knowledge: FOR FREE!!!

    Althought the one thing that has me estatic right is the fact that I am quickly learning how to speak German using the Rosetta Stone the school offers in thier foreign language lab.
    That’s right. The same expensive, but very effective Rosetta Stone you wish you could afford ?!? They let you use it for free!!!! And the sad part about this is when I am up there using it, there are tons of students around me checking their facebooks, browing the internet, or doing some other homework. In the FREE LANGUAGE LAB! When I tell people about it, they usually feed me some excuse on why they can’t take at least 30 minutes to go and learn a language. You have time to sit on your behind and do nothing, but you can’t slip on some earphones and and just listen?! It’s madness! 🙁

    I mean, maybe since I’m a penny pincher and value quality services, I know the importance of them giving us this resource. I mean, they don’t have to have free fun language learning software for me to use. I’m like, do you need explicit permission or something?! Fine!: Your university wants you to use this stuff…GO AND USE IT!!!

    Since I’m an architecture major, I know for a fact that language learning and expanding my horizons and experience will be important in this era of globalization. As a undergrad, you may think you have all the time in the world to do such things. But the time flies during these college years, and one day, you will regret not utilizing the important tools on campus to help enhance your learning experience.

  13. MissASP1993 says:

    Wow, thank you so much everyone for your help!

    Kadejah, you are absolutly right and I apologize for mentioning that. I just get extremely annoyed when I see bad representations of bw on tv or in movies (everytime I look *sigh*).

    Thank you especially for your help Teritaryanna! I plan to wait until I’m married to have sex which could make dating more difficult for me but your advice is spot on! 😀

    • tertiaryanna says:

      “I plan to wait until I’m married to have sex

      Yeah, I used to feel that way too. But then I got tired of waiting, thought I’d never get married, and slept with a good friend. I’m still not married, so I can’t say I regret my decisions. 🙂

      For the record, I feel that waiting until marriage can be great. However, my concern with that attitude is that people assume that because they don’t plan to have premarital sex, they actually won’t.

      I think that what happens is they also don’t plan to take control of their sexual health, and IMO, that starts before a person becomes sexually active.

      Part of this involves knowing how to say “no”, how to deal with one’s own feelings of sexual curiosity, and balancing your own goals with the reality of your situation. But if a person thinks they won’t be having sex, then sometimes they don’t take the self-introspection that allows them to protect themselves when they (eventually) become active. They have intentionality in their goals, but not in their actions. Unfortunately, your body doesn’t really care what you intend, just what you do.

      I can’t find the reference for this, but I recall reading that more than 30% of people never have sex again with the first person they have sex with. And that the incidences of STI’s and unplanned pregnancies are significantly higher in women who had considered themselves to be abstinent only until marriage.

      So my comments were geared with that solely in mind: towards a person who doesn’t plan to have sex. Because that person hasn’t planned, and may therefore be unprepared.

      “which could make dating more difficult for me”

      It depends. If you get married early, with a short, intentional courtship, it might not be difficult for you at all. But if you’re not ready to marry young or you have a protracted courtship/dating timeline, it may be difficult for you to remain celibate until you find a spouse. Not because of the pressures of a boyfriend, but in your own person.

      However, if you’re not ready, or you want to wait (even if you are ready) then there are other guys out there. But your choices should be yours: what you want for yourself, and part of that is being informed on how to best advocate for yourself in terms of your boundaries, your goals and your health.

      I’m not telling you to have sex in college. I am telling you that hopefully, one day you will be sexually active, and I hope that your knowledge in this area is not reactionary, but pre-planned. That your sexuality is something you control, and the elements of that control go beyond the actual sexual act (or lack of it.)

  14. Nysee says:

    Dear Khadija,

    I want you know go the book Tuesday.Doing happy Dance ). I am going to purchase another one and donate it. Also, let us know when you have other books out we will defintely suppport your cause.
    Again thank you for your insights and empowering
    Black women.

    • Nysee,

      Thank you for your kind words, support, AND happy dance! LOL! I truly appeciate it. At the moment, I’m busy with business stuff (and everyday life) so I don’t forsee any books in the near future. I am reading up on plotting and how to structure a novel. {smile}

      Expect Success!

  15. SweetIslandGirl says:

    I watch Pati’s Millionaire MatchMaker and I think she has a lot of great tips. Today’s episode is with two female millionaires’ and one of the problems they have is they both have alot of male energy. They own their own business and made it a success from the ground up and as a result are independent and used to control.

    So it got me thinking about the energy that we project to the outside world and how that comes across to the opposite sex when we are looking for love. What kind of energy do you project? Are you aware of that energy or does my question prompt you to suddenly question what that energy is?

    Does anyone have any input on portraying feminine energy when your a hard working, independent woman or is the term “independent” a word that we need to reconstruct or distance ourselves from?

    Now when I say reconstruct the word independent I mean the connotation and the masculine energy that is often attached to it when it comes to black women screaming it to the world.

    • SweetIslandGirl,

      You’ve raised some interesting questions that warrant some thought. My 2 cents: I think it’s okay for a woman to be hard-working (but not too much). I also think that it’s NOT okay for a woman to look hard-working. That looks and sounds too mule-ish. It brings to mind the following lyrics:

      I’ve been working on the railroad
      All the live-long day.
      I’ve been working on the railroad
      Just to pass the time away.

      The proverbial social “butterfly” that Evia has mentioned is NOT hard-working. Nobody can heap much hard work onto butterflies. In fact, most people don’t have the expection of being able to heap hard work onto butterflies.

      None of this means that butterflies are necessarily lazy. It’s simply that there’s a different vibe to the manner in which they handle work. In my humble opinion, “efficient” and “effective” sound and look better than “hard-working.”

      And now that you mention it, I think “independent” has become a negative word in the context of Western Black women. It sounds much too close to “strong” as in “Strong Black Woman.” Something like “capable” sounds better to me.

      Butterflies can be “efficient” and “capable” when they WANT to be…but they’re not required to be either. And it seems to me that butterflies are never “hard-working.”

      Expect Success!

  16. Joyousnerd says:

    During most of the year (except winter) I wear a woven sun hat outside. It has a wide brim that shades my face and it is very feminine. For those of you who are taking the previously given advice about makeup free of sunscreen, I suggest getting a beautiful and feminine sun hat.

    Yes, sun damage does happen to black women too, and it is a problem that increases with more and more damage to the ozone layer. I already have sun damage on my face from a summer in the tropics. For this reason i am super careful to protect my skin now. I also put sunscreen on my hands and decollete if it will be exposed. Everything I do to my face I also do to my neck, chest and hands.

    Beyond the protection of your skin, there are few items that are as feminine as an old fashioned sun hat. Few women wear them these days. There are different styles, so you could get one that is glam, one that has that Jackie O sensibility or one that is Victorian in style like mine. But I think that wearing such a dramatically feminine accessory brings a sense of feminine mystique. (I wonder if I posted this in an earlier Beauty post… if so, sorry to repeat myself. There are new readers all the time though, so it may be useful to one of them.)

  17. MissASP1993 says:

    Tertiaryanna, everything that you said is so true. I agree that I may decide to not wait if I meet the right guy or what have you but I will definately be safe if I do choose not to wait. I’m not “super-religious” so I couldn’t see myself marrying a man like that but I would love to meet “the one” and marry young (after 21 though). Only time will tell! Thank you so much!

    I’m still open to any other advice from you ladies if she has covered everything! 🙂