Category — low-negativity diet

Mission Update—The First National Tune-Out Week + Social Butterfly Practice

Mission Update—6 MONTHS LATER

Almost 6 months ago, I issued a challenge to you:

So, in the spirit of the annual national Turn Off The TV Week, I’m asking you to tune out neutral, low-value, and no-value Black men this week. I don’t just mean the toxic or damaged Black men. I’m talking about tuning out ALL Black men who aren’t contributing something of value to your life. This includes the neutral Black men who aren’t doing anything against you, but they’re also not doing anything for you.

These neutral Black men are not checking for you. Why are you always checking for them? Your habit of paying attention to these noncontributing, neutral Black men is blocking many of you from paying attention to the non-Black men in your environment that could (and would) benefit you. Halima, blog host of Black Women’s Interracial Relationship Circle, has done a recent post containing a link about this behavior pattern.

I want more African-American women to realize how this is completely out of touch with normal female behavior. The overall, timeless human pattern is that normal women respond only to the extent that a man looks and acts fit, willing, and able to be of some benefit to her. There’s a word for women who grin and skin at indifferent-acting, neutral men: GROUPIES.

Most of you already know how to tune out noncontributing women. But you continue checking for, and responding to, noncontributing Black men.

I understand that many of you have been conditioned to always hop and skip toward, pay attention to, and respond to any and all Black men that come your way. Regardless of these men’s indifferent (or even negative) behavior toward you. I’m asking you to take the first step to breaking the habit this week. I’m asking you to take back your peace of mind. This week I’m asking you to tune-out the Black men who contribute nothing of value to your life:

Don’t talk to noncontributing Black men this week. If you’re in a work or similar setting where it would create problems not to respond to a noncontributing Black male, keep your responses as brief as possible.

If for some reason, you must (briefly) interact with a noncontributing Black man this week, don’t look into his eyes. Instead, look at a point near the top of his forehead. The eyes are a window into the soul. Looking into someone’s eyes draws you further into the interaction.

Don’t read noncontributing Black men’s blogs this week.

Don’t read news reports about noncontributing Black men this week.

Don’t talk about the thoughts, views, or activities of noncontributing Black men this week.

Tuning out useless people helps give us time to think, read, create, and do the healthier things we never have time for. Tuning out such individuals reduces the stress in our lives. It creates room in our lives for better people, places, ideas and things.

Here are my questions for those who participated

  • After the first week of tuning out useless people, did you work to make this a permanent habit? Why or why not?
  • Have you reduced the amount of attention you give to useless people? Why or why not?
  • Or have you gravitated back to avidly following what useless people are saying and doing? Why or why not?

LETTING GO OF THE ‘KEEPING IT REAL’ TRICKBAG

During a recent conversation, Evia, blog host of Black Female Interracial Marriage Ezine talked about how many African-American women unwittingly act in ways that are unattractive and severely limit their social maneuverability. She said,

Okay . . . re how to talk without saying anything much, it’s actually a dynamic process and specifics depend on the situation. It’s a survival skill. Mainly, you never, ever say anything that will come back to bite you or others like you in the butt.

[Another reader had asked:] Also why do I need wiggle room, if I’m representing myself, and I only plan to be myself?

You need wiggle room to enhance your surviving and thriving. None of us can predict life, so you must always give yourself a way out or space to switch up–just in case.

This goes back to the way some bw see themselves–as serious, always telling the whole TRUTH, being responsible, hardworking, plodding along putting one foot ahead of the other, etc. like stodgy mules–even though it doesn’t work to their benefit in lots of cases, obviously.

Self-Image. I would like instead for AA women to think of themselves as and cultivate the image of charming butterflies that flutter around. Such a butterfly would never make heavy statements or limit itself to showing only one side of itself. It knows it needs wiggle room so that it can keep on fluttering wherever and be seen. LOL! People like having that type of butterfly around. It’s lighthearted. It’s delightful to look at, but no one expects it to do anything concrete or memorable. That’s not what a butterfly does.

That butterfly could actually be very shrewd, could be moving with stealth, but no one would ever expect it to be and it sure won’t tell ALL. If you’re always just being “yourself,” you limit your movement drastically.

For ex. when I’m around practically any male (preteen to 95), I behave like a charming butterfly because that always works to my advantage with men (even with very young males). It makes that male feel good. That’s a win-win situation for both of us. That’s not the “real” me; that’s just one of my FACES. Note: I fortunately don’t have to spend any time around any ghetto-acting male.

Mules. Mules have to DO concrete things. They’re expected to act like mules at all times. People don’t particularly like to look at them, but they’re necessary. Too many AA women have decided to look and act like mules. People put pressure on mules that they would never put on a butterfly. Very few people would pressure a butterfly to answer a question because that delightful creature might–gasp!–fly away.

It has to do with the way a woman thinks about herself. This is what she projects.

You should NEVER present your “real” self to strangers. WHY would you do that? Only do that with others who’ve earned your trust. We all can cultivate many faces and if you haven’t done that, you should work on that ASAP. Unfortunately, many bw will ‘let it all hang out’, but when others use some of that as a noose for them, they have no wiggle room or way out.

Talk, be lighthearted, but keep it moving. Smile, be charming, but be evasive–like a butterfly. If you’re evasive long enough, the typical person will back off and go on to the next person. If the person persists, use what they’re asking you to change the subject or smile and start to remove yourself from their presence (like the butterfly). Say, “Excuse me, but I’ve got to finish doing . . .” or simply “I’ve got to go.”

Always remember though that you don’t EVER have to answer anyone’s intrusive questions IF you don’t want to do so–unless in a court of law or similar situations. You don’t have to talk to people just because they want to talk to you. I’ve been criticized for not talking to certain people online, but I KNOW I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to do so, and just because someone asks me a question doesn’t mean I have to answer. Ebonically speaking, “They ain’t nobody!” I talk if I CHOOSE to talk or answer. We all can make that choice.

The basic issue here is one of boundaries, as Khadija has pointed out, and as I pointed out about those “nice guy” males. You have to have boundaries when dealing with any other person. You have to believe down deep inside yourself that the inner you belongs to no other human being, but YOU, and that NO ONE must cross your boundaries. No other human being has the right to cross those boundaries to access inner areas of you or even any of your outer assets unless you CHOOSE, in your best interests, to give them permission. Here’s the clincher. In any interaction with another human being, virtually all of the time (except for maybe with your children), YOU are the primary person–the MOST important person. No one else is as important as you to yourself. No one. This is why the subtitle of my first book is “First and Foremost.” You have to believe that you are NUMBER 1.

In response, a reader named Tracy said,

Evia, for some reason, “butterfly” is very difficult for bw to grasp, simply because when you dare to walk around happy and bright eyed, you are called “fake” or , God forbid, “white”..

I truly believe that the phrase “Keeping it Real” was invented to keep bw in Mule/Sista Soldier mode. Real means letting it all hang out, not thinking thru or controlling your emotions, and basically not caring about the image you are projecting. It’s easy to be “real.” The girls that I mentored in church had the hardest time with being “fake” because they were always having to think about what was coming out of their mouths, what they were wearing, and yes even their facial expressions. I would try to get them to think of something funny or happy that would make them smile, or to soften their expressions – but sadly some of them couldn’t even muster a good thought.

The scariest part of all – the sharing. The only thing these girls wanted to talk about was tearing down some other girl. Or the last fight they had. Or a beatdown that they saw recently. THAT made them smile…I understand teenage cliques, but I believe that in some circles, it may be a matter of safety for them to be a “real” or “down” Mule – Butterfly’s could be crushed easily. Still, hopefully some of them will remember and use their lessons later on in life.

(emphasis added)

Which is all the more reason to get far away from such people and environments; and relocate to healthier environments.

HAVE YOU BEEN PRACTICING YOUR SOCIAL BUTTERFLY SKILLS?

December 21, 2010   46 Comments

Remove Grasshoppers From Your Social Networks

DERANGED GRASSHOPPER BELIEFS

As children, most of us read the fable of The Grasshopper And The Ant. For those who were resistant to believing this, the bizarre, indignant “grasshopper” responses to the recent No Wedding, No Womb initiative confirmed that the African-Americans collective is mostly composed of grasshoppers. Grasshoppers who act and live as if they:

  • Don’t understand that out of wedlock births (oow) and the single parenting that is the logical, predictable result of oow, has engulfed the African-American collective in destructive flames.
  • Don’t understand that sex is the leading cause of pregnancy, far ahead of in vitro fertilization and immaculate conception.
  • Don’t understand that several millennia of human experience have shown that human pair-bonding (also known as marriage), and the extended family obligations created by marriage, represent the best human practice for child-rearing.
  • Don’t understand that “programs” cannot replace family.
  • Don’t understand that the last few decades of “programs” have not worked; even in the context of a functioning economy. The economy is no longer functioning.
  • Don’t understand that the federal and state governments don’t have the money to pay for current “programs.” They certainly don’t have the money for additional “programs.” Nor is there any desire on the part of the rest of the US population to subsidize African-Americans’ dysfunction with additional programs to accommodate our mass, self-destructive refusal to form families.
  • Don’t understand that there’s already a time-tested, widely-known, and commonly-practiced human “program” that provides “support systems” for women and their children. It’s called marriage and (legitimate) family.
  • Don’t understand that, after 40+ years of our whining, other Americans are not going to rearrange their society to accommodate African-Americans’ refusal to form families. This restructuring won’t happen now, or any time in the foreseeable future. Other people will simply continue to leave us behind. To die in our foolishness.

I say “act and live as if” because I’m not entirely convinced the majority of Black women grasshoppers sincerely believe this foolishness they spout. I believe that many of them adopt grasshopper ideology because doing otherwise would mean the end of “nuthin’ but a brother” business as usual. Adhering to normal, human standards for mate selection and procreation would mean acknowledging that the vast majority of African-American males are unfit and unwilling to function as men by serving as competent protectors and providers.

Once an African-American woman acknowledges this fact, the next logical step is for her to expand her dating and marriage options to include non-Black men the global village. Doing that would require a woman to leave the (false) comfort zone of the devil(s) she knows. However, in the end, the reasons don’t matter. The point is that those who are naysayers to the basic, human norm of “no wedding, no womb” are grasshoppers to be avoided.

THE GRASSHOPPER DIED IN EARLY VERSIONS OF THE FABLE

The grasshopper died because of his foolishness in early versions of the fable. In real life, grasshoppers are generally allowed to destroy themselves. More sensible creatures (the “ants”) don’t have the time, resources, or energy to waste on fools. I suggest that you also don’t waste much time and energy on grasshoppers. Let the grasshoppers live in denial and delusion. They’re irrelevant to everything that matters; including your efforts to move forward in the real world. However, it is important to remove any remaining grasshoppers from your social networks.

GRASSHOPPERS ARE LIABILITIES; CUT THEM LOOSE

The blog host of Sovereign Man recently talked about the importance of building trusted networks in these turbulent times. He said,

In my own experience, I’ve found that I have very little in common with the people who share the color of my passport, and that I have much more in common with those I’ve met around the world who share my outlook and philosophy.

Moreover, this trusted network of individuals around the world, wherever they happen to be based, has often made the difference between success and failure in my life.

As we go through the Age of Turmoil and experiences rapid change and fluctuating crises, I think that having a trusted network will become even more important. The cliche ‘it’s not what you know, it’s who you know,’ is absolutely true… perhaps more so in difficult times.

Lately, I’ve written extensively about why becoming self-reliant is ultimately the way to survive and thrive in the Age of Turmoil… and this is absolutely true. But as ironic as it may sound, I think that building a trusted network is one of the key pillars to achieving self-reliance.

Let me begin by saying that there is a critical difference between building a trusted network, and expecting others to take care of you. The former is a position of strength, the latter is a position of weakness. If you build a network where you are a valued member of the team, you are an asset, not a liability.

. . . It’s much easier to face the world, particularly in the Age of Turmoil, knowing that the people on your team are a carefully selected group of dependable men and women who share your core values and have important skills.

By definition, grasshoppers are liabilities. They reject common sense, and the accumulated wisdom of millennia of human experience. Male and female African-American grasshoppers are already using their female relatives as a primary source of sustenance for their grasshopper lifestyles and out of wedlock offspring. Grasshoppers are also angrily demanding that additional “programs” be established to sustain them. “Programs” = YOU and MORE of your resources that you worked hard to create. Instead of getting agitated about their foolishness, be happy that many previously-unknown, undercover grasshoppers have outed themselves as having grasshopper beliefs.

Cut the grasshoppers loose.

September 29, 2010   79 Comments

Mission Update—The First National Tune-Out Week

Almost 3 months ago, I issued a challenge to you:

So, in the spirit of the annual national Turn Off The TV Week, I’m asking you to tune out neutral, low-value, and no-value Black men this week. I don’t just mean the toxic or damaged Black men. I’m talking about tuning out ALL Black men who aren’t contributing something of value to your life. This includes the neutral Black men who aren’t doing anything against you, but they’re also not doing anything for you.

These neutral Black men are not checking for you. Why are you always checking for them? Your habit of paying attention to these noncontributing, neutral Black men is blocking many of you from paying attention to the non-Black men in your environment that could (and would) benefit you. Halima, blog host of Black Women’s Interracial Relationship Circle, has done a recent post containing a link about this behavior pattern.

I want more African-American women to realize how this is completely out of touch with normal female behavior. The overall, timeless human pattern is that normal women respond only to the extent that a man looks and acts fit, willing, and able to be of some benefit to her. There’s a word for women who grin and skin at indifferent-acting, neutral men: GROUPIES.

Most of you already know how to tune out noncontributing women. But you continue checking for, and responding to, noncontributing Black men.

I understand that many of you have been conditioned to always hop and skip toward, pay attention to, and respond to any and all Black men that come your way. Regardless of these men’s indifferent (or even negative) behavior toward you. I’m asking you to take the first step to breaking the habit this week. I’m asking you to take back your peace of mind. This week I’m asking you to tune-out the Black men who contribute nothing of value to your life:

Don’t talk to noncontributing Black men this week. If you’re in a work or similar setting where it would create problems not to respond to a noncontributing Black male, keep your responses as brief as possible.

If for some reason, you must (briefly) interact with a noncontributing Black man this week, don’t look into his eyes. Instead, look at a point near the top of his forehead. The eyes are a window into the soul. Looking into someone’s eyes draws you further into the interaction.

Don’t read noncontributing Black men’s blogs this week.

Don’t read news reports about noncontributing Black men this week.

Don’t talk about the thoughts, views, or activities of noncontributing Black men this week.

Tuning out useless people helps give us time to think, read, create, and do the healthier things we never have time for. Tuning out such individuals reduces the stress in our lives. It creates room in our lives for better people, places, ideas and things.

Here are my questions for those who participated

  • After the first week of tuning out useless people, did you work to make this a permanent habit? Why or why not?
  • Have you reduced the amount of attention you give to useless people? Why or why not?
  • Or have you gravitated back to avidly following what useless people are saying and doing? Why or why not?

September 3, 2010   48 Comments

Another Look At Loyalty To Self

CHOOSING TO ACCEPT MISTREATMENT . . . IS A CHOICE

This is probably the last time I’m going to address the issue of the bigoted, Black-skinned foreigners that like to verbally abuse African-Americans. From my perspective, the problem isn’t these abusive, racist Black immigrants. The problem is that many African-Americans have no ethnic self-respect and are looking for validation from outsiders. That’s why they let these racist (Black and non-Black) immigrants abuse them. This came up because I recently received an email from a reader that I had originally planned to ignore. I’m getting tired of listening to African-Americans whine about the mistreatment they choose to accept from others. But it occurred to me that there might be other readers who have similar preoccupations as that one particular reader. Here’s part of the email that I received,

Hello. :) I feel so powerless sometimes because I don’t know how to deal with all this judgement form other non-black and the rest of the world….both as a an african american female and an african american period. People are always going out of their way to let us know about all of our failures. Even in your blogs….every now an then I will read a non-AA person refer to us as stupid or slow. Its funny alot of these same people want to be treated with respect and care. They make excuses for their own mess but judge ours without a speck of mercy. It makes me sad at times. I’ve heard one african woman say AA women are a disgrace to mother africa. I’ve had african men hit on me with sex as the intent. I’ve also seen some african rub post slavery truama in our face….you know…you don’t have a culture or an identity. You’re just a slave and I’m african blah blah blah. Sometimes it really hurts my feelings when they make fun of our truama. There are some sick african who make fun of us when we come to them for answers and acceptance.

I stopped reading at this point, because I’m annoyed by statements that register as whining (I’ll get to the reasons why later on). Let me take it from the top:

BEFORE THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT, WHITE AMERICANS WERE ADAMANT ABOUT KEEPING NON-WHITE IMMIGRANTS OUT OF THIS COUNTRY

For me, the starting point of any squabble with non-White, non-European immigrants is the fact that my people’s Civil Rights Movement led to, and influenced, the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965. Prior to African-Americans’ Civil Rights Movement, White Americans were quite clear about keeping non-Europeans out of this country. The bulk of these Black-skinned bigots the reader is whining about wouldn’t even have been allowed into our country if it wasn’t for our people’s civil rights movement. This is one of several things we need to remind these people about when they get out of pocket.

One of the few good things about the post-9/11 environment is that it made White Americans rethink their open door policy with these non-White immigrants. And considering how many of these non-White immigrants are either anti-Black racists, or Black anti-African-American racists, I say “Good riddance to bad trash” whenever they’re deported. This is why I’m less offended by the government’s anti-Muslim crackdown than I ordinarily would be—because I want the racist, anti-Black Somalis, Arabs and Pakistanis OUT of this country. I’ve seen these people and their attitudes at the mosque. I don’t shed any tears for most of them who are hassled or deported. Most of them can’t leave this country fast enough for me.

I also want some of these other anti-African-American, foreign Black bigots deported as well. (I didn’t mention the Somalis in the “Black” category because many Somalis like to believe that they’re not Black. Whatever.) Even though White America’s current anti-Muslim frenzy affects me too, it’s worth it to me if it gets these racist other people deported. I want them gone.

IMMIGRANTS ARE NOT A REPRESENTATIVE CROSS-SECTION OF THEIR SOCIETIES—IDIOTS TEND TO STAY AT HOME

Immigrants represent a skewed portion of their societies—the most energetic people. Most people don’t have the courage and energy to get up and leave their home country. Immigration often has the effect of skimming off large portions of the cream of a society. Low-level knuckleheads tend to stay at home, and therefore out of sight of Americans. This is how immigrants get to hide large chunks of their culture’s dirty laundry from outside eyes because, for examples—Delroy The West Indian Idiot never left the Caribbean, and Nnamdi The Nigerian Idiot never left Nigeria.

Meanwhile, DeShawn The African-American Idiot is on full display on “front street” in his home country, the United States. So, everybody who immigrates to the US can easily see and hear what DeShawn The African-American Idiot is doing on the local television news.

AFRICAN-AMERICANS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ARE NAIVE ENOUGH TO “LET IT ALL HANG OUT”

African-Americans are the only people who are naive and foolish enough to “let it all hang out.” Other people tend to hide their culture’s dysfunctions. In other words, most non-African-American Blacks will minimize, gloss over, or tell lies about the problems within their own societies. For one example, East Africans generally aren’t going to tell you that albino people are hunted down like animals in some of their countries. They’re not going to talk about the Red Cross report cited by CNN,

As many as 10,000 albinos are in hiding in east Africa over fears that they will be dismembered and their body parts sold to witchdoctors, the Red Cross said in a recent report.

The killings of albinos in Burundi and Tanzania, who are targeted because their body parts are believed to have special powers, have sparked fears among the population in the two countries, the report said.

Body parts of albinos are sought in some regions of Africa because they are believed to bring wealth and good luck. Attackers chop off limbs and pluck out organs to sell to dealers, who in turn sell them to witchdoctors.

And West Africans aren’t going to tell you about the numbers of children being tortured and murdered after being accused of witchcraft in countries such as Nigeria,

Sam runs Child’s Rights & Rehabilitation Network, or CRARN — an orphanage that supports nearly 200 children. All of them were accused of witchcraft and cast out by their families, often after being tortured. The orphanage provides security, healthcare, nutrition and counseling.

Godwin’s story is typical. As he sat next to the quiet 5-year-old, Sam said that after Godwin’s mother died, the church pastor told his family that “Godwin is responsible.”

From his own investigation, questioning Godwin and talking with neighbors, Sam said that when a relative asked Godwin if he was a witch, “he said no and was beaten and made the confession that he actually killed the mother.”

Sam said Godwin was locked up with his mother’s corpse every night for three weeks with little food or water before a neighbor contacted Sam, who was able to rescue him.

Other children at his orphanage bear the scars of being beaten, attacked with boiling water, and cuts from machetes. But these children are the ones lucky to be alive.

“A child witch is said to be a witch when that child possessed with certain spiritual spells capable of making that child transform into cat, snake, vipers, insects, any other animal and that child is capable of wreaking havoc like killing of people, bringing diseases, misfortune into the family,” Sam said.

“When a child is accused of being a witch — that child is hated absolutely by everybody surrounding him so such children are sent out of the home… But unfortunately such children do not always live long. A lot of them, they’re either killed, abandoned by the parents, tortured in the church or trafficked out of the city.”

Sam doesn’t believe in witchcraft and is trying to raise awareness in local communities now gripped by hysteria.

If they can’t deny and outright lie about the atrocities going on in their home countries, many of the Africans you’ll encounter will try to characterize their various cultures’ dysfunctions as the result of war. Umm . . . no. It’s not just racist brainwashing that makes many Western Blacks want to distance themselves from Africa. The harsh reality is that there are some utterly disgusting and repellent aspects to various indigenous African cultures. Things that have nothing to do with war. Things that nobody in their right mind would ever want to cosign.

I don’t know, and I don’t particularly care, how prevalent these depraved practices are in those particular countries. Any is too many. Anything more than a handful of people doing these sorts of things says something extremely ugly about a particular culture. The bottom line is that significant numbers of Africans are doing things that nobody else does in large numbers (like hunting down and dismembering albino people). It’s similar to how significant numbers of African-Americans are doing things that nobody else does in large, mass numbers. [Such as the widespread modern African-American cultural practice of males refusing to support, and abandoning, their children.] Healthy people don’t want to be associated with deranged and depraved cultural practices.

So, I don’t blame foreign Blacks for hiding their cultural dysfunction. It’s normal to want to present your own people in the best possible light. As African-Americans, we’re the ones who are doing something abnormal when we publicly put our dysfunctions on display. Part of the reason we do this is because we have the bad mental habit of looking for pity parties; looking for other people to feel sorry for us. Dear Reader Who Sent Me The Above Email, this is the primary reason why I was annoyed by your email.

PITY PARTY = DEATH

African-Americans need to get it through our heads once and for all that other people don’t and won’t feel sorry for us. They don’t and won’t have mercy or compassion for us. When we seek pity parties, all we do is increase their contempt for us. We invite contempt by looking for pity parties. As I said during a conversation at the previous blog,

I know it’s very hard for many of us to accept this, but let’s review the realities of pity parties:

Nobody “owes” us anything, including compassion.

Nobody cares about AA women.

Since they don’t care, they’re NOT going to feel compassion in response to these self-stigmatizing pity parties.

Instead, many people feel increased contempt for those caught up in the pity party.

Other people are annoyed by the pity parties because they have their own tragedies that they are NOT whining about. They figure “If I have to ‘suck it up’ and keep moving, why should I be bothered with this other individual’s whining?”

Even those (few) people who are kind enough to feel compassion have other, additional reactions: concern about how unbalanced the pity partier might be; and a desire to be FAR AWAY from the potentially extremely mentally ill pity partier.

The bottom line is that this “Weep for us overweight AA women. Weep for us because we’re mostly suffering from emotional-physical-sexual abuse” banner is extremely stigmatizing. Folks think they’re going to get sympathy in response to this. NO. All they’re doing is confirming the bigoted assumption that we are mostly defective people!

Folks need to keep that particular banner on the “down low.” It’s not going to do anybody any good. All it does for some people is confirm that we need to be put in a quarantine zone. FAR away from any positions of responsibility. FAR away from anything that anybody else cares about.

. . . I worry when we try to translate “therapy talk” into the real world. It does NOT translate. Not at all . . . “Therapy talk” needs to stay within therapy or only among the closest of friends. It is NOT appropriate for the outer world. It has negative consequences attached to it in the outer world.

I’ve seen folks mess themselves up by transferring “therapy talk” to the outer world. I’ve seen this a lot with substance-addicted clients. Let me repeat what I tell them:

“12 step meeting-therapy-recovery type of talk does NOT work well in the real world. It only ‘works’ among other recovering people.

Healthy people are TURNED OFF by 12 step meeting-therapy-recovery talk. They react badly to it. It makes them want to get far away from whoever is talking the recovery talk. Most healthy people feel that:

Recovery talk = dope fiend.

Recovery talk = alcoholic.

Recovery talk = extremely mentally ill person.

Recovery talk = DANGER.

Recovery talk = DANGEROUS PERSON who is a TICKING BOMB in the workplace, the business, the school, the position of responsibility, etc.

Safety = getting far away from the ‘recovery talk’ person.

Safety = getting rid of the ‘recovery talk’ person.

Bottom line—Save the ‘recovery talk’ for other recovering people.”

I’m not talking about what’s fair or correct. I’m talking about what’s real. The reality is that “recovery talk” of any kind (and for any reason) is a huge, extra, unnecessary stigma. One that we can’t afford to have publicly attached to us as AA women.

When I talk about the many soul-draining situations African-American women find themselves in, I’m not looking for sympathy or empathy for African-American women. Instead, I’m telling African-American women the reasons why they need to disconnect from certain vampiric people, places, things and ideas. I’m looking for more African-American women to live abundant, victorious lives. Period. The activist group ACT-UP had a slogan: Silence = Death. In our situation, I would say: Pity Party = Death. The sooner we get that through our heads, the better.

IT’S NOT FOREIGN BLACKS’ FAULT THAT MANY AFRICAN-AMERICANS HAVE ZERO ETHNIC SELF-RESPECT

Another part of what’s wrong with this email (from my perspective) is that the reader is looking for “answers and acceptance” from foreign Blacks. I’ll get to the “answers” portion of this in a moment. As far as the “acceptance” portion, I would strongly suggest that readers take the time to read the following previous posts:

FOREIGN BLACKS DON’T HAVE ANY ANSWERS FOR AFRICAN-AMERICANS—LOOK AT THE BLACK-RULED COUNTRIES THEY RAN AWAY FROM

Dear Reader, why in the world are you looking for “answers” from people from mostly failed countries (such as Black immigrants who ran away from their Black countries to live in the White West)? They don’t have answers for themselves. Or at least any answers beyond running to live in the White West. There are reasons why these hate-filled, immigrant Blacks you described ran away from their own Black countries to live in majority-White countries. Why do you care what these particular (Black-skinned) bigots think about African-Americans?

Do you understand that these hate-filled, foreign Black bigots you described had to beat down the doors, and in some cases risk their lives, to get into YOUR country? And to reap the benefits of YOUR birthright as an African-American?

With all due respect, your perspective is skewed. You feel powerless because you choose to feel powerless. There are literally millions of foreign Black women living in Black-ruled countries (that are hellholes) who would love to exchange places with you. And you’re sitting here talking about how you feel powerless . . . Guurl, you’re tripping. Let me repeat some things I said to an African wannabe slave master during a conversation at the previous blog,

Don’t remove continental Africans from this pathology. This pathology is a phenomenon that extends to Blacks all around the planet, including Africans.

It has always amazed me that Africans tolerate things that the Arabs never tolerate.

For example, how is it that White colonists still own all the good land in places like Zimbabwe, 30+ years after “liberation”? How is it that the same apartheid racists STILL own everything of value in South Africa? Why are these Whites still in these countries?

Why haven’t the people who should be the true owners of “South Africa” changed the city names back to African names? What’s up with all of that?

Contrast the Africans’ passive acceptance of their White oppressors’ continued presence on their land with what quickly happened in Algeria after liberation. The Algerian National Liberation Front gave the French colonists the choice of “the suitcase OR the coffin.” I would suggest that people Google this phrase. The history behind it is fascinating.

The French people could either leave on their own with their suitcases packed, OR they could leave in coffins. The French fled Algeria with a quickness after liberation.

As far as the Korean merchants taking over the beauty supply stores in African-American areas: Continental Africans are allowing Chinese merchants to do a similar thing and dominate the small shops (and commerce in general) throughout Africa. From Senegal to Angola. To all over the officially “Black” regions of the continent.

Apparently, a Senegalese journalist named Adama Gaye has written a book about this phenomenon titled “China-Africa: The Dragon and the Ostrich.”

What’s wrong with African-Americans boils down to the fact that during slavery we had our names, our ancestral languages, our cultures, the purity of our bloodlines, and finally our God ripped away from us. We’ve been totally destroyed, and then remade (via rapes by White men) into a new people.

This is NOT an excuse. This is an observation. There are other conquered people who’ve been remade by White men’s sexual conquests (“the used-to-be-Indians-they’ve-been-remade-into-mestizos” in Latin America) who have gone on to forge their own future.

Continental Africans still have their names, their ancestral languages, their lineage, and their cultures (more or less) intact. What’s their reason for continuing to submit to Europeans, Arabs, and now submitting to the Chinese?

ALL Black people across this planet have a LOT of work to do in order to free our own minds!

. . . These are very good questions. I will add that BM submit to the will of, and are servants of, ALL other men, not just WM. Whenever there is a meeting of BM and any other type of man, the BM is ALWAYS the servant of the other man.

BM in Africa are the “houseboys” of their “former” colonial masters. BM are the literal slaves of Arab men in Africa. BM in Africa are now the “houseboys” of Chinese merchants. BM are the servants of mestizo men in Latin America.

To put it bluntly, Black men across this planet are slaves. Period. By definition, a slave CANNOT, and will not try to, protect anything or anyone.

In response to your point about how Whites self-define their collective destructive behavior as “normal.” This is the winner’s privilege! The conquerors write the history, psychology, sociology books. The conquerors write ALL of the books! When Muslim societies were more technologically advanced than Europe (during Europe’s “Dark Ages”), African Muslims were among the people writing “the books.”

When we start winning as a people, then we’ll get to write the books; and make OUR definition of events “stick”! LET’S ALL GET BUSY!

. . . I DO see the crazy, self-hating things that AAs do in reference to Africa & Africans. Continental Africans have legitimate grievances about being insulted and disrespected by AAs.

However, let me bring to your attention something that I raised with another continental African: I find it quite peculiar that I’ve NEVER seen continental Africans raise the “you hate Africa and Africans due to self-hatred” observation to people who REALLY hate their African heritage with a passion: BLACK LATINOS & BLACK ARABS. These people generally won’t even identify themselves as Black!

I’m not saying that all Black Latinos & Black Arabs have this attitude. But, let’s be real. We’ve seen “how they do.” The same way other people “see how we [AAs] do.”

With the exception of some Black Brazilians (who seem extremely “into” their African heritage), the vast majority of Black Latinos & Black Arabs are examples of people who want NOTHING to do with Africa, Africans, or African heritage.

Since I’ve never seen or heard of Africans trying to “check” Black Latinos & Arabs on their self-hatred of all things African, it makes me question the motives of those Africans who come to AAs with this (accurate & true) complaint.

. . . Back to reciprocity: It was all good & all cool when AA pathologies were under discussion. But let me bring up some facts that indicate that there are similar pathologies with Africans, and suddenly it’s not so much fun anymore.

This is really telling. It says that you’re not participating in this conversation with us in good faith. It says that you’re not reciprocating the openness and honesty that the other participants have shown during this, and other discussions, at this blog. This blog is my home.

Ultimately, it says that you have no legitimate reason to be here. I’m inviting you to leave in peace.

This blog is about us providing each other with mutual support, and moving forward to a better future. “US” includes ANY BLACK WOMAN who chooses to define herself as part of “us,” including so-called “foreign”-origin Black women who stand in solidarity AND RECIPROCITY with the rest of us.

Peace and good fortune be upon you in your journeys.

Dear Reader, there’s a very old saying: “It’s not what you call me, it’s what I answer to.” Why do you let anybody, including Black immigrants, talk down to you? People generally do whatever you let them do; and take whatever liberties you let them take. To me, this isn’t about these foreign Black bigots that you’re complaining about. It’s about you. And your choice to let these people insult you. And your choice to take their insults to heart. I’m sure it gives these hateful individuals a lot of pleasure to know that you actually care what they think or say. It probably makes them feel all warm inside to know that they can hurt your feelings.

After all, confused African-Americans are the only people on this planet who allow foreign-origin Blacks to step on them. These same foreign Black bigots you described are as meek and silent as mice with everybody else on this planet. They don’t say a mumbling word to anybody except the confused African-Americans who entertain that nonsense. The continental Africans among the foreign Black bigots you described are dominated by Chinese merchants, Arab merchants, South Asian merchants and whoever else that’s not Black in their own countries. Consider this part of an NPR interview with an African writer named Adama Gaye,

BRAND: Donald Straszheim is a long-time China expert. He is currently the vice chairman for the investment banking company Roth Capital Partners here in California.

Adama Gaye feels quite differently about China’s interest in Africa. He is African and he’s written a book called “China-Africa: The Dragon and the Ostrich.” The cover of the book depicts in cartoon style a dragon blowing fire on an ostrich that represents Africa.

I asked Adama Gaye why he portrays Africa with its head in the sand?

Mr. ADAMA GAYE (Author, “China-Africa: The Dragon and the Ostrich”): That’s the posture Africa has taken over the past years. It has not faced its challenges, whereas the dragon, representing China, presents a country that has been able over the past 35 years to live up to its challenges and become one of the most powerful nations in the world.

BRAND: Do you see the dragon, China, as a malevolent force or a benevolent force?

Mr. GAYE: It can be both, but at this moment I see it as a malevolent force, because China is driving all the China-Africa relations. It is deciding everything and not allowing much room for Africa to contribute to what China presents as a win-win situation.

Ultimately, China needs Africa’s natural resources, and it is putting all its efforts and its financial might in order to secure them. I think in this situation it’s Africa that is ruling in the business.

BRAND: Do you see China as a neocolonialist force, basically doing what the European powers did in the 19th century, going into Africa, taking its resources and leaving little behind?

Mr. GAYE: I think China is doing it in a most clever way, because China is presenting its approach to Africa in a diplomatic way, saying that it has been always a friend of Africa, using the nice words, stating that it doesn’t want to harm Africa.

But I think at the end of the day, what China is doing is almost the same as what Europe did. They are buying the natural resources. They are investing in strategic sectors, and controlling things from afar.

I think if we are not careful in Africa, we will wake up one day and see that China has purchased most of the strategic things in Africa and we have nothing to do about it because that would be accepted under even the international norms, the World Trade Organization agreements, for instance. That is really bad, what is happening.

BRAND: Yet China is also giving billions of dollars in aid to African countries.

Mr. GAYE: Listen. Those billions of dollars are done, given to Africa in order to secure markets for China. Before I (unintelligible) somebody will believe that China could be a real good partner with Africa. More and more I’m suspicious about their approach.

BRAND: Adama Gaye is the author of the book, “China-Africa: The Dragon and the Ostrich.” Mr. Gaye, thank you very much for joining us.

Mr. GAYE: It’s my pleasure.

BRAND: NPR’s DAY TO DAY continues

If African (and Caribbean) cultures are oh-so-healthy, then why do they continue to allow non-Blacks to control the resources in their own countries? Just think: Fifty years after the end of colonialism, these people aren’t even the masters of their own houses . . . and you’re listening to them?

The Latino Blacks who are living in the mestizo man’s house are powerless. The same is true for the Arabized Blacks living in the Arab man’s house. The Latino and Arabized foreign Black bigots are at the very bottom of every multiracial country they inhabit in Latin America and the Arab world.

And you choose to take garbage off of these people? That’s YOUR free and voluntary choice, and you’re welcome to it. Count me out of that.

MY QUESTIONS FOR THIS CONVERSATION

Please note that I’m not going to publish comments that focus on complaining about non-African-American, Black-skinned bigots during this post. They verbally abuse African-Americans because we tolerate that abuse. My questions for this conversation are: Why do so many African-Americans look to these people for validation? What’s that about?

**Audience Note**It should be obvious that I’m only focusing on the foreign-origin, Black-skinned, anti-African-American bigots that the reader described in her email. I’m not talking about all non-African-American Blacks. Just the racist, “wannabe a slave master,” non-African-American Black bigots. The Black-skinned bigots who try to deny African-Americans the right to self-determination: the right to speak, think, and define ourselves for ourselves.

August 29, 2010   175 Comments

The First National Tune-Out Neutral, Low-Value, And No-Value Black Men Week

As I moderate the comments submitted here and read other Black women’s blogs, I see that many of you have not started to tune out people, places, and things that contribute nothing to your life. Specifically, you haven’t learned how to tune out neutral, low-, and no-value African-American males. Most of you continue to pay avid attention to what such men are saying and doing.

Even worse, many of you try to deposit toxic Black men’s verbal poison at the Black women’s blogs that you visit. Over and again, attentive blog hosts have had to edit out the links that you leave leading back to toxic Black men’s blogs. Blogs where the Black male blog host is either: (1) gaslighting Black women (telling African-American women that they aren’t seeing what they see or hearing what they hear in real life), or (2) trying to further break Black women’s spirits. I don’t understand why you persist in visiting such blogs. I really don’t understand why you persist in trying to spread that particular poison to other Black women.

I only pay close attention to the people, places, ideas or things that add positive value to my life. I don’t pay attention to the destructive people that want to subtract from my life. I also don’t pay much attention to the neutral people who aren’t doing anything for me. The time you spend talking to, listening to, or reading the views of neutral, low-value, and no-value African-American men is unhealthy. That time would be better spent on people, places, ideas, and things that actively enhance your life.

THIS INCLUDES NEUTRAL, NONCONTRIBUTING BLACK MEN

So, in the spirit of the annual national Turn Off The TV Week, I’m asking you to tune out neutral, low-value, and no-value Black men this week. I don’t just mean the toxic or damaged Black men. I’m talking about tuning out ALL Black men who aren’t contributing something of value to your life. This includes the neutral Black men who aren’t doing anything against you, but they’re also not doing anything for you.

These neutral Black men are not checking for you. Why are you always checking for them? Your habit of paying attention to these noncontributing, neutral Black men is blocking many of you from paying attention to the non-Black men in your environment that could (and would) benefit you. Halima, blog host of Black Women’s Interracial Relationship Circle, has done a recent post containing a link about this behavior pattern.

I want more African-American women to realize how this is completely out of touch with normal female behavior. The overall, timeless human pattern is that normal women respond only to the extent that a man looks and acts fit, willing, and able to be of some benefit to her. There’s a word for women who grin and skin at indifferent-acting, neutral men: GROUPIES.

Most of you already know how to tune out noncontributing women. But you continue checking for, and responding to, noncontributing Black men.

I understand that many of you have been conditioned to always hop and skip toward, pay attention to, and respond to any and all Black men that come your way. Regardless of these men’s indifferent (or even negative) behavior toward you. I’m asking you to take the first step to breaking the habit this week. I’m asking you to take back your peace of mind. This week I’m asking you to tune-out the Black men who contribute nothing of value to your life:

Don’t talk to noncontributing Black men this week. If you’re in a work or similar setting where it would create problems not to respond to a noncontributing Black male, keep your responses as brief as possible.

If for some reason, you must (briefly) interact with a noncontributing Black man this week, don’t look into his eyes. Instead, look at a point near the top of his forehead. The eyes are a window into the soul. Looking into someone’s eyes draws you further into the interaction.

Don’t read noncontributing Black men’s blogs this week.

Don’t read news reports about noncontributing Black men this week.

Don’t talk about the thoughts, views, or activities of noncontributing Black men this week.

Tuning out useless people helps give us time to think, read, create, and do the healthier things we never have time for. Tuning out such individuals reduces the stress in our lives. It creates room in our lives for better people, places, ideas and things.

For the first few days this week, I’m going to close the comments to this post. I want you to try this experience and then report on how you feel after a couple of days. I know how much better I felt once I started making a point of tuning out noncontributing people. Noncontributing people are time-wasters and energy drains.

June 7, 2010   23 Comments