Britain Reveals The Dead-End Future For “Black Love” In The US—48% Of West Indian Black Men In The UK Are In Relationships With Nonblack Women

Instead of the usual handwringing that African-American women do about these issues, let’s look at some trend lines in terms of our own interests as Sojourners.

AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMEN WHO BELIEVE IN THE “BLACK LOVE” MYTH ARE DOOMED

African-American women who are Black Love Dead-Enders are doomed. The trend lines don’t favor their delusions or delusional slogans about “Black love.” As I mentioned in an early post,

Mark my words: The “Black women as martyrs” recruiters will keep demanding that you martyr yourself no matter what happens. They will continue making these demands until the final demise of the African-American collective. They will repeat the same slogans as African-Americans continue becoming more deeply entrenched in permanent underclass status, and overall disintegration.

They will keep making these demands of you even after the African-American out of wedlock birthrate reaches 90-95 percent. The 1965 Moynihan Report warned about the rising illegitimacy rate among African-Americans. Most of our people didn’t heed the warning. Instead, we recited angry slogans in response.

They will keep making these demands of you even after the African-American male interracial relationship rate approaches 50 percent and beyond. For those of you who think this can’t or won’t happen, I would refer you to the current example of the Caribbean Black male population in the United Kingdom. West Indian Black men’s interracial relationship rate in the UK has reached 48 percent. (See the BBC Caribbean.com story from January 19, 2009, The Mixed Race March in Britain.)

In fact, the UK situation is a sneak preview of how African-American men will continue their singular focus on seeking their own individual bliss while the deceived masses of Black women in the U.S. keep trying to uphold “Black love” and the “Black family” . . . all by themselves.

In the US, this “Black love” and “Black marriage” talk is a dead end. As I said in that same post,

FOR EXAMPLE, STOP TRYING TO SAVE “BLACK MARRIAGE” IN AMERICA—IT WON’T BE RESURRECTED BECAUSE 50% OF THE NEEDED PARTICIPANTS—BLACK MEN—PREFER THAT IT REMAINS DEAD
There won’t be any collective solution to what has been called “Black Marital Mogadishu” in the United States because 50% of the participants needed for any Black marriage—Black men—benefit from the current absence of marriage among African-Americans. Black men generally like things the way they are right now.

The collapse of the African-American family is not about a lack of jobs. It’s about African-American men generally being content with the collapse of the African-American family. Black men will complain about the aftershocks created by the mass absence of marriage among African-Americans, such as the legions of fatherless, violent Black male criminals. But other than that, they’re content with the status quo.

Anybody who thinks that this behavior is driven by a lack of opportunity should examine the collective behavior of the African-American men who do have “good” educations and jobs. Since so many Black men in that category are not marrying at all, or they’re not marrying Black women, there’s no reason to assume that Black women would gain from African-American men having more opportunities. I learned that just by watching the behavior of the Black men that went to college and law school with me. There’s usually little to no return on that investment (creating opportunities for African-American men) flowing back to any Black woman at all.

If you look at their mass behavior and not their rhetoric, it’s clear that most African-American men don’t value marriage, and are not concerned about the now-dead “Black family.” African-American men like the status quo situation of their mass refusal to marry the Black women they have sex with and impregnate. From outward appearances, most African-American men are happy with a lifetime of sleeping around without the commitments or responsibilities of marriage.

If you look at their mass behavior, it’s also clear that African-American men are also not particularly concerned about the children they produce.

These “save the dead Black family” discussions are not even a blip on most African-American men’s radar . . . unless Black women start talking about solutions that don’t include continuing to wait around for African-American men—such as interracial marriage and a focus on dating non-African-American Black men (for those Black women who must have a Black man as their husband).

Incidentally, African-American men have long known that Black love is dead. Sometimes, usually while arguing another point, they admit this fact. I recently came across the post In Defense of Muslim Men and Islam from Imam Isa Mateen,

Muslim men are the largest and perhaps only group of men in the Black community that still marry Black women. For the most part, marriage in the Black community, particularly among the 20- 30 yr old, is dead! While there are some Christians or others who still marry – the main group that still regularly marries are the Muslims.

Yes, there are problems with the marriages. But those problems did not come from Islam. They come from our being raised in a non Islamic and anti Islamic environment, where we learned anti Islamic ways, customs, attitudes, habits, and Euro centric thought patterns.

Islam combats the negative, self destructive mores of America and seeks to replace them with clean, respectful relationships. Some of us have cleaned up more than others.

We expect Euro centric Christians and Euro centric, Christianized negroes to attack Islam with their tongues. But it has become fashionable now for our so called Black nationalist brethren to stretch forth their tongues against Muslims as well.

I say “so-called” Black nationalists because one must question the motives of those who attack the Muslims when the Muslims have been a historical ally to Blacks. Not the racist, stand offish, wanna-be White Arab/ Pakistani / Bangladeshi/ immigrants who sell swine, lottery tickets, cigarettes, drug paraphernalia , alcohol and fake halal meat to our people. It is the Imam Jamil Al- Amins and Malik El- Shabazzs (Malcolm X), that have been the friends of the Black community. It is the countless Black Muslims that are community leaders and mediators that have been friends to the Black community. To attack such people is a divide and conquer strategy that should be rather transparent.

. . . A Muslim brother will marry a sister with five, six or seven kids without blinking an eye! That brother will pay tuition, feed, clothe and play with these fatherless children just like their own. Often these children suffer from severe emotional and psychological trauma from their fatherless condition which causes them to act out. The Muslim man will struggle to teach morals and discipline to children that have been left behind by some worthless negro – who’s probably a fake Black nationalist!

. . . Quietly, because Muslims tend to be quiet people, millions of Black children are being raised by Black Muslim men who sometimes lose their lives or their freedom protecting the woman from her crazy-behind, no account baby -daddy.

Remember that the next time some loud mouth, you-tube revolutionary, fake Black nationalist attacks Islam.

Now, what Imam Mateen is saying is true . . . as far as it goes. But there are several critical observations that were glossed over as “problems with the marriages.” It’s beyond the scope of this post to get too far off into this, but I’ll mention a few of the major problems among Sunni (“orthodox”) African-American Muslims. First, yes it’s true that Sunni Muslim Black men do frequently marry Black women. The problem is the word “frequently.” Sunni Muslim Black men often marry with the intention of divorcing the woman in a matter of days, and then moving on to the next “wife.” Basically, these men have a series of religious-ceremony-only “marriages” in order to make their promiscuity religiously “legal.” [If you're bored and in the mood to wade through oceans of insanity, read this thread where nuts are justifying these temporary "marriages."]

Second, there is the mass phenomenon of African-American Sunni Muslim males flying off to Morocco to purchase Arab wives. This practice is so widespread that another Sunni Black man blogger felt the need to address that behavior pattern in this post. Then there are the Black male wife-beaters who are attracted to Islam because they like what they hear from Ike Turner Imams who give fake religious justification for abusing women. Imam Mateen has bravely confronted Black male members of what he calls the “wife beater cult”. Then there are Sunni Muslim Black men like Tariq Nelson (who, if I remember correctly, has a nonblack wife) who advocate what he calls “the new passing” as the solution to anti-Black racism from nonblack immigrant Muslims.

Obviously, African-American Islam is not any kind of “Black love” paradise. And neither is the Nation of Islam. Min. Ishmael Muhammad (one of Elijah Muhammad’s many illegitimate children) has a nonblack wife.

THE SOJOURNERS NEED TO GET CLEAR OF BLACK FEMALE “BLACK LOVE” DEAD-ENDERS BEFORE THEY REALIZE THEY’VE BEEN LEFT BEHIND

I said the following during a recent conversation,

Those of us who are serious about living well need to get clear of “Black female-Black Love Dead-Enders.” If sojourners feel like they’re being subjected to hateration right now, just wait—you haven’t seen anything yet. When the BF-Black Love Dead-Enders:

(1) read the results of the latest US Census report (which will document that AA males are on the path to catching up with their British West Indian BM “cousins” in terms of IRR—thank God for that!*),

(2) watch increasing numbers of Sojourners move on into abundant life with husbands from the global village,

(3) and finally let it sink into their heads that NOBODY is coming to their rescue . . .

WATCH OUT! The BF-Black Love Dead-Enders will vent an explosion of hateration toward the sojourners who escaped.

*Why do I say “Thank God!” that AA males’ interracial relationship rates are steadily catching up with those of West Indian BM in the UK? Because a leopard doesn’t change its spots! It’s better for AA males to take their issues and collective damage to nonblack women who can better withstand that damage. Nonblack women are more likely to have supportive family networks that support them when their AA male boyfriends, husbands, and baby daddies abandon them and their children. Leopards don’t change their spots.

Apparently, Caribbean-British BM in the UK have many of the same deficits as AA males. The results of many Caribbean-British BM’s unions with WW in the UK have been thoroughly documented. From the British Journal of Social Work:

SUMMARY It is now well documented that the majority of mixed-parentage children who enter the public care system in Britain have a white biological mother and a black African Caribbean father. This paper explores some of the underlying factors which increase the vulnerability of mixed-parentage children. The situation of white single mothers is examined in the context of ‘race’, class, gender and location in British society. Empirical findings from two recent research studies provide a profile of white single mothers and their children in receipt of social work help and assistance. Areas for further discussion are raised within this framework.

(emphasis added)

Anyone who has been involved in child welfare in the US has observed similar patterns. It’s quite clear that, regardless of the mother’s race, a HUGE disproportionate percentage of American children in foster care are BM’s children.

The bottom line is that the masses of AA men DON’T do any better by nonblack women and the children they have with these women than what they do with BW and children. The vast majority of AA men CAN’T build or sustain wholesome families. So, it’s best that they take their deficits to some other type of woman.

Anyhoo, when the BF Black Love Dead-Enders who are counting on AA males to “do better” finally wake up from their delusion … there’ll be an implosion among these women. That’s why the rest of us need to get FAR AWAY from these women right now—before they realize that they’ve doomed themselves with their Black Love delusions.

Like many other Sojourners, I’ve had the experience of getting deeply angry stares from some deeply angry Black women when I’m out and about with Mr. White Man. As more of these Black women who have been suffering while waiting for a nonexistent Black prince realize they’ve been left behind, their reactions will only get more extreme. Sojourners, get clear of these “nuthin’ but a Black man”-type of Black women. Now.

YOUR RESOURCES ARE A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE—ARE YOU WASTING THEM ON NONRECIPROCATING PERSONS?

Evia, blog host of Black Female Interracial Marriage Ezine said the following during a conversation at the previous blog,

Khadija, I had never heard of Van Jones either until I heard bw talking about him a few days ago, saying he was being attacked by “de evil wm.” The second I heard what his position was, I would have bet a very huge amount of money that he either dated non-bw exclusively or that he was married to a non-bw.

There IS a pattern here, yet so many bm think they’re duping others by claiming they just “fell in love” with a non-bw. Well, they actually are duping the masses of AA women, but no one else. So many gaslighted bw will go around like zombies saying, “Well, love is just love” or “You can’t help who you love,” when it comes to AA men. That’s another form of bm protection. I mean, if that’s TRUE and bm can’t help who THEY love, then why is it that so many AA women obviously can stop themselves from loving wm?

PREDICTION: I want any bw reading this to just know that virtually ANY bm who she knows who is upwardly-mobile IS on his way to a non-bw if it’s at all possible. He may be your son, your brother, cousin, young man at your church, but IF he’s upwardly mobile, he more than likely is going to share his upward mobility with a non-bw. I’m not talking about those “struggling” or defeated bm; I’m talking about the ones who more than likely are going to do okay.

Knowing this, you, as an AA woman, need to decide how much you’re willing to invest in creating a non-bw’s comfortable lifestyle because whatever you do to help him, he’s going to share it with her–if it’s within his environment to do so.

It’s not the non-bw’s fault though; it’s mainly bw’s fault for not demanding reciprocity from bm and for continuing to invest in the well-being of others while her own daughters perish.

You may not care about that, but don’t act surprised about any of this because it doesn’t make bw look smart–since other folks can clearly see the pattern. If you haven’t seen this pattern, ask yourself why you haven’t.

This is not about bw’s “attitude” and nothing to do with bw having “too much education,” or any of the usual excuses that AA males give.

These males PREFER non-bw, which is their prerogative as long as they don’t get any investment, support, or protection from bw. That’s the critical piece here: the MONEY TRAIL. Bw–GET SHREWD! Always follow the money trail! Do not invest in lifting up a bm unless he knows there are strings attached and only if you’re going to be able to collect.

If we were to look into this man’s past, we would see where it was mainly countless bw’s time, energy, money, guidance, and protection that put him in his position. We definitely know that it wasn’t any other group of women who lifted him up. . . .

Ladies, now that you’re back from various Christmas gatherings with your (biological) relatives, this is a good time to take stock. Are you investing resources into a Black male nephew, cousin, or anybody else who is on his way to giving those same resources to a nonblack woman? If so, why are you investing in someone who will never invest in any Black woman (usually including his own Black mother)?

A reader named Zoopath recently mentioned taking stock of various folks’ “body of work” relative to supporting Black women,

. . . I make it my business to know the “body of work re: AAW” of any person or organization before I support it. That litmus test has really culled the herd of entities that I feel obligated to support. It’s amazing (in a sad way) how many people expect us to be civil rights mules. . .

Your resources are a terrible thing to waste. Don’t waste them on non-reciprocating people.

LET’S REVIEW THE 2 TAKE-AWAY POINTS FOR SOJOURNERS

There are two main points here:

  • Get clear of the “nuthin’ but a Black man”-type of Black women before they wake up and explode; and
  • Take a fresh look at your resource trail, and cut off any flow going toward non-reciprocating people.

ADDENDUM—VETTING BEGINS AT HOME

In a comment to this post, a reader named Xai perfectly summed up my second point about our personal resource trails. She said,

@[Another Reader]
I am heartened to hear of your housecleaning of the black males in your immediate circle. I know and have been told that I am very radical in my stance regarding black males. It’s just that I am perplexed, something doesn’t add up. We all know of the huge number of dbrbm yet I always hear black women making exceptions for the males in their families. Can’t be true!

So I ask that black women bring vetting to a personal level. Before vetting males as potential suitors, we must vet the males in our families and jettison those that are found wanting. I too, have had hideous family drama such that I have jettisoned my 4 brothers. None of them ever brought home a black hued woman, only the lightest females they could find, all while continually bashing black women. When they fell on hard times, guess who they expected to bail them out?

Some of the questions we should ask ourselves about our sons/brothers etc is: What is the color and caliber of the women they bring home or associate with? What are the characteristics of the women they revere? Are they there to support/help the women of your family? Do they form relationships with women who look like you? Have they produced children? Are they caring for those children financially and emotionally? How do they treat women in general? Is there a difference in treatment based on hue?

This isn’t rocket science! The truth starts at home, if we refuse to see the bs in our own homes how can we steer clear of it in the real world? It’s time for utter, brutal truth in 2011.

Xai is absolutely right. The truth starts at home. Vetting starts at home.

Tagged as: 

124 Responses to “Britain Reveals The Dead-End Future For “Black Love” In The US—48% Of West Indian Black Men In The UK Are In Relationships With Nonblack Women”

  1. Everybody,

    For those who are waiting for it, I’m going to publish the originally-scheduled next business post after we have this conversation.

    I wanted to emphasize the 2 take-away points mentioned in this post while we’re all still “fresh” from noticing various overall patterns at our Christmas-related gatherings.

    Expect Success!

  2. halima says:

    Khadija as a bw living in UK I want to reinforce your message. Many BW in the 30 and over age bracket in britian have effectively been parayzed by the many deceptive voices saying, ‘dont worry it will sort itself out and bm will come home’ (an actual title of a newpaper article some years back) or ‘dont believe the stats its white propaganda’. Now many have lost the inner will to break away, especially when they look at the many years they have lost and the huge amount of resource and hope invested in bm coming for them, it has become so hard to cut their loses at the stage that many prefer to hold on to the ‘blessed hope’ than come to terms with the fact that all was for nought!

    dont forget that all the while bw are also having their ‘Oppositional Defiant Disorder’ (well named khadija!) against white men in particular nutured and reinforced and the ill feelings against white men streghtened till even when they do know that it makes sense to cut away from the deception, they cant stomach white men in particular to move forward meaningfully.

    Bw in the US are forwarned as to what will be the case if they refuse to break from the induced inertia or refuse to pick up the courage to take their lives away from community’s ownership, community service posture or being community directed.

  3. pat says:

    I just came back from a local mall returning some of my christmas gifts and I was standing in line next to a former OLD HOLLYWOOD, worldwide black female sex symbol. I would rather not mention her name. She walked in quietly and she was dressed well and had that quiet class about her. She is someone who hung out with the Rat Pack i.e. Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis, etc, was in movies, appeared on the Johnny Carson show and was good friends with him and Ed McMahon, was married to a member of a worldwide popular r&b group and had a short run of a variety show on abc. She was a MAJOR cinema star in Italy back in the 60′s. As I observed her–she was very classy, feminine, and might I say… sexy. I was in line reurning something it took a little long and she was very nice. She is in her late 60′s. She is a just a little chubby now. I came home and just googled her for about an hour. I was soooo totally facinated about everything that I learned about her. She was interracially married. The one thing about those old hollywood black actresses i.e. lena horne, dorthy dandridge, diann carroll, etc. is that they knew their worth. They used it to their advantage to have a better life. These women did not seem to worry about black men. The hollywood actresses and entertainers of today seem to stay alone for a long time, if they dont meet their IBM (Ideal Black Man). This woman still looked beautiful even at her age. I quietly approached her and she just smiled and was polite. The people in the store were too young to realize who she was. She was very nice and I am so touched. She is REAL black class and it is a shame that most black women (even entertainers) dont carry themselves like this anymore… I am so excited! She is an inspiration to me.

    • Thank you for all the clues, Pat :) What a treat that must have been! I would have loved to have met her while I was out and about. I know she is just as beautiful today as she was then.

  4. joyousnerd says:

    This was a great post, Khadija. I was just reading on another forum and BW were talking about their family members. Dear God. I was outright astounded at the behavior they described from their BM relatives. The hate, manipulation and economic abuse seemed to be par for the course! Poster after poster was paying bills, raising kids, cooking, cleaning and chasing behind male relatives putting out the fires they started… and many of these women got NOTHING from them for Christmas! Not a card, not a home-made gift, nothing but fresh air. SMDH.

    I feel really bad for any woman of any race who puts up with that abuse. It amazes me that BW stick around when they are hit up for money and then insulted in the next breath by someone who has never even supported himself, much less his children. The mind boggles.

    Yes indeed, the Black Kang supporters are going to be very angry when they wake up. Seeing a BW enjoying a “white woman’s lifestyle” already chafes. I get a lot of hateration myself just for being a stay-at-home mother. I guess because they chose broke clowns to reproduce with, I was supposed to follow suit? No thanks! lol.

    As angry as they are now, just wait till they can’t find a BM at ALL. Not even a broke, illiterate jailbird to lay on the couch and smoke weed while they work. That day is coming at some point.

    The well-loved BW are going to be a target for sure. It’s best to cut those for-now benign Black Love women out of your sphere of influence before they start lashing out. Like we were talking about two weeks past, it’s so much easier to make these changes NOW, before the storm hits. Distancing yourself from these women now will save you from the drama later.

    Also, many of these women will be drowning soon. They will bear children for BM who will not support them, and they will be fighting just to keep their heads above water. Who will they turn to, when the lights are about to be cut off? Who will they come crying to when their kids are in need? It won’t be Pookie, he doesn’t give a toss. It will be YOU, the BW who is living comfortably with her alpha male provider. And if you want to see REAL anger, tell her NO you won’t help her feed/house/clothe her oow kids, while you are living a comfy life complete with private school, extra-curriculars, international travel etc.

  5. Halima,

    You said, “Khadija as a bw living in UK I want to reinforce your message. Many BW in the 30 and over age bracket in britian have effectively been parayzed by the many deceptive voices saying, ‘dont worry it will sort itself out and bm will come home’ (an actual title of a newpaper article some years back) or ‘dont believe the stats its white propaganda’. Now many have lost the inner will to break away, especially when they look at the many years they have lost and the huge amount of resource and hope invested in bm coming for them, it has become so hard to cut their loses at the stage that many prefer to hold on to the ‘blessed hope’ than come to terms with the fact that all was for nought!”

    Halima, thanks for writing in from the UK. I was hoping that some Caribbean-British sisters would give their feedback—I hope some other British sisters will also write in with their thoughts. I’ve been curious about what British BW in general have to say about this state of affairs, but I haven’t had much success in finding any British BW’s blogs that talk specifically about this.

    [Although, my understanding is that this "comparable to East Asian woman's level of intermarriage" is happening mainly with Caribbean-British BM in the UK, and not so much with African-British BM in the UK. However, I would guess that African-British BM's IRR rate is much higher than that of Indian/Pakistani-British men. So, African-British women might not be having many conversations about this. My understanding is that African women generally don't have as many hangups about marrying out, and specifically about marrying WM. Please feel free to correct me if my impressions are mistaken.]

    You said, “dont forget that all the while bw are also having their ‘Oppositional Defiant Disorder’ (well named khadija!) against white men in particular nutured and reinforced and the ill feelings against white men streghtened till even when they do know that it makes sense to cut away from the deception, they cant stomach white men in particular to move forward meaningfully.”

    Yeah, that same scam is being operated on AA women in the US. As soon as some BM—including those who have spend their worldly goods on the nonblack women they’ve chosen to marry, such as Van Jones, Prof. Henry Gates, OJ—gets into trouble with WM, somehow the bc looks solely to BW to protest, march, and get upset in support of that BM who is in trouble with Whites. I notice that these BM’s own nonblack wives almost never open their mouths to support their own husbands. And nobody expects these women to do that. Somehow, BW are the only Black people expected to carry that historical grudge against Whites. As I mentioned in the post, V For Vendetta,

    OUR FORMER SLAVEMASTERS AND ALMOST ALL OF BULL CONNOR’S GENERATION OF SEGREGATIONISTS ARE LONG DEAD. SO, NOW WHAT?
    To those of you who are holding onto resentment against all modern Whites because of slavery and segregation: The Whites who committed the worst of what our people have suffered in this country are long dead. And they got away with doing what they did. Whatever opportunities we had to seek retribution against these people are long gone. So, now what?

    [For this particular conversation, I won’t even go into the question of why you feel it’s appropriate for you as women---instead of Black men---to assume the responsibility for avenging our people. Have Israeli men been leaving it up to their women to seek revenge against surviving Nazis or Arab terrorists?]

    . . . No, what’s really motivating this behavior is your idol worship of Black men. And Black men use your idol worship and indiscriminate grudge against modern White men as an instrument of their ambitions. Instead of trying to compete with White men as other men compete with them (Asian men, Arab men, and so on), Black men sic you and your grudge on their White male competitors. To clear the path for them while they’re free to marry, protect, and provide for these same White men’s sisters to their hearts’ content.

    M FOR MISDIRECTED PUNISHMENT
    Who are you punishing with your indiscriminate grudge against modern Whites and White men in particular? Who suffers loss and injury behind this? Definitely not the surviving White segregationists. You’re not trying to find or punish these individuals. Not the modern anti-Black racists.

    This is because instead of fighting anti-Black racism across the board, you only respond when Black men intermittently use you to fight the particular White male racists who are blocking their ambitions.

    Not the legions of violent, Black criminals who are preying on you and your loved ones within Black residential areas. These violent Black criminals don’t suffer because of your grudge. In fact, they use your indiscriminate grudge against Whites, and White men in particular, to their benefit. They use you and your grudge to help them escape punishment for their crimes.

    This grudge that BW-only are expected to maintain against Whites (specifically WM) is a scam. Like I mentioned in another conversation, more BW need to learn to always ask the question “Qui bono?” (“Who benefits?”) from a particular course of action. The only people who benefit from BW holding a grudge against WM are BM.
    ______________________________________________________

    Pat,

    You said, “She is an inspiration to me.”

    Whoever that was you saw, good for her! I’ve been reading about some of the BW actresses from earlier eras. Those women had some serious, structural obstacles to overcome. It’s a shame how (due to indoctrination) so many modern AA women refuse to take advantage of all that’s available to them in the 21st century.
    ___________________________________________________

    Joyous Nerd,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it. I plan to turn the page and change gears with the blog posts come New Year’s Day. I’ve decided to actively ignore the various types of BF Dead-Enders, and focus more on matters that are only really relevant to Sojourners. This means that I’m going to write with a focus on those AA women who:

    (1) Have already saved their lives by fleeing Black residential areas, or are in the process of fleeing; and

    (2) Are already in the process of developing extra income streams; and

    (3) Are receptive to, and in the process of, getting themselves “on point” in terms of physical self-presentation. Or are already “on point” with that.

    Translation: I’m not going to invest any more time in arguing with the Fat Acceptance Dead-Enders, or any other type of BF Dead-Ender who has a pocketful of “reasons” why they “cain’t” do X. Or BF Dead-Enders who choose not to comprehend that on a patriarchal planet, it behooves a woman—any woman, regardless of her sexual orientation—to comport herself in a certain feminine manner.

    I’ve pulled off away from the burning shoreline in my ark, and I shouldn’t keep talking to the dead and dying people on the beach. Future conversations need to be via shortwave radio with other BW who are on their own arks, about to board their own arks, or are in the process of setting sail away from the burning shore. Bottom line: I’m taking my own advice and getting clear of the various BF Dead-Enders. This includes online interactions.

    Joyous Nerd, it’s like you said: “It’s best to cut those for-now benign Black Love women out of your sphere of influence before they start lashing out. Like we were talking about two weeks past, it’s so much easier to make these changes NOW, before the storm hits. Distancing yourself from these women now will save you from the drama later.”

    Indeed!

    Expect Success!

  6. pat says:

    Hey Khadija,

    Just to give you a couple of hints. She is a brown skinned woman. She was called every man’s fantasy in the 60′s and 70′s. She was in playboy in 1970 and she also was THE highest paid FEMALE performer in Las Vegas in the 70′s. She was also nominated for a Golden Globe.

    You blog a lot about black women being flawless. This woman looked flawless. These old hollywood black women dorothy, diann, lena….lola :) etc. They seemed like they kind of played the game in the same way that the white women do. They used their beauty and feminity to get what they wanted from White America (i.e. white men) but they did it with class and dignity. The same thing that white women are doing with black men right now.

    ALL Dorothy Dandridge, Diann Carroll, Lena Horne and Lola Falana had the sense to have open minds…Imagine what the black starlets could do now

    SOME black women are starting to get it…Thank God!!

    • Zoopath says:

      @Pat: I figured out who the secret celebrity is. That’s so cool that you got to run into her. I wouldn’t have recognized her.

    • MsMellody says:

      I kinda guessed who this beautiful woman was in your earlier posting!! Oh my God she was definitely someone I really really admired. It is so good to hear about Ms. Falana!!!

      I clearly remember her appearance on The Dean Martin shows..and other celebrity tv shows from back then. I even just recently told this story to my husband about an incident with my mother regarding this female celebrity.

      I was watching a television program back in the 70′s with my mother ( I remember it only because this female celebrity was someone that I had “heard” about through various Jet magazine articles..the info about her interracial marriage/ interracial dating etc ) well anyway..my mother had made the comment back then about how this woman “dated nothin but white men and how that was something to be ashamed of..” I remember to this DAY how I was sitting next to my mother at the age of about 10 or 11 thinking that I couldnt tell my mother that I TOO was gonna date nothing but white boys..I still remember the GREAT feeling I got about “my secret plan”.
      And this is the truth- I knew that I could never “tell” this to my mother..I just knew that when I went off to college that I was going to bring home whomever I wanted and that she and my daddy would just have to deal with it!!

      I swear this is an absolute true story!! And when I recently related this story to the husband he and I laughed and laughed about how I had to keep this desire to date interracially a “secret”…and how that was truly a sad thing. Glad to know that those days of keeping the desire to date and be with whomever I want are long long over!!

      • pat says:

        I hear you MsMellody and if necessary I will separate my man from my family. I will not be bothered with it. My family is the type who will try to dis me and him. I have a girlfriend who took her wm home with her for Christmas and her family loves him. She is from Africa. She has no idea how lucky she is to bring her wm home with no drama. Would not be the case with me. I guess that it does not hurt that he is a doctor.

    • ann says:

      Hmmm, a mystery? Las Vegas in the ’70s that sound like Lola Falana.

    • ann says:

      “SOME black women are starting to get it…Thank God!!”

      And, that is why it is so important that we continue to have a dialogue about our options and we do have options.

    • Sherry says:

      I L-O-V-E her, and I am glad to hear she is out and about even with her MS. I think these women were just about living life to the fullest, which include pampering and presenting you physical self in maximum glory!

  7. Natalie says:

    Hello Khadija!!

    I truly love your site…I’ve been reading your blog ever since “Black Muslim Bashido” You mentioned alot of things to come concerning the uprising of more AA men getting with non-black women…this recent post reminds me of a previous post you put up last year titled (which questioned black women)”Why are you letting Lupe, Ming, ect to indirectly Pimp you?”….which explained exactly about the resources black women have to uplift these average black men ends up going to non-black women who end up enjoying the FRUIT OF BLACK WOMEN’S LABOR!! would you by any chance post this up again? I appreciate what you are doing to expose the shady deeds of too many black women being thrown under the bus. Another post I also love that you written on your previous blog titled “As soon as you can take back your crown” really spoke volumes to me the atrocity black women have faced against our features and colorism in the near future would you recap on this subject matter?…… because I truly appreciated every word that you said on this paticular issue
    Thanks again! -Natalie

    • Hi Natalie,

      Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it!

      {chuckling} All the essays you’re asking about are in the book. See the Table of Contents (it’s under the tab at the top of the page that says “THE BOOK.”)

      No going backwards to rehash angles that have already been covered—that encourages empty venting, and I have no interest in that. I’ve been steadily moving forward, and I’ve decided to write specifically for others who are actually MOVING ON. Onward and forward into the new year! :-)

      Expect Success!

  8. Melanie says:

    You are telling the truth about the venom that will be spit on BW that escape. My brother is a typical bm jailbird that left a wife (at least he married her) and 2 kids (5 and 11). He has been in jail for about 5 years now. Anyway his 11 year old son is having many difficulties b/c his mother has to work all the time, live with relatives and cannot be assist him with his schoolwork etc due to the undue pressure placed on her b/c she has to support herself and her kids with no help from my no good brother. Well my mother decided that she wanted to take in my nephew to help him. Well I just went ballistic about her need to ALWAYs clean up my brother’s mess. She is really in no position to help without totally sacrificing herself and this is partly b/c she has always saved my brother from himself (paying for lawyers, totally supporting him etc) But this last time when he decided to rape a white girl the law was not having that….he will be in jail for a long time to come. Anyway when I made it clear that I was not on the helping bandwagon because I have 2 kids and a husband to take care of my mom just went off….how I can’t live in my “nuclear family” bubble…everything isn’t about just my family (hubby and kids). Well I told her that is what I am about and I wasn’t going to take away from my kids b/c my brother and sis in law couldn’t take care of their business. We have since come to terms on that situation and I only help when I feel like doing something and in the way I choose. My mom just thought that I would take him in and do for him like he was my own when my bro and his wife are not dead…just irresponsible. Not gonna happen. So you are right…you will be attacked for living a normal life, but to too many in the BC it’s a life for whites only.

    • Melanie,

      My goodness! :-( {shaking my head}

      Expect Success!

    • Brenda55 says:

      Melanie,
      I am new here but I just had to respond to your post. I am in a similar situation with a DBR brother who has children. They are predictably not tuning out well. We siblings who are doing better and have provided stable lives for our own children have discussed what is our responsibility towards his kids, they are family after all and did not ask for this situation.

      We all came to the same conclusion. Take care of your own first then do what you can for his kids.

      All due respect to your Mom but your primary responsibility is doing your best to raise your own children to be self sufficient adults and to maintain your own marriage. So yeah, your “nuclear family bubble” is where you should be putting all of your resources and energies. That is the building block to a strong society. It seems that every other group out there knows that.

      Now re. your Mom. If her children are grown then sure, she can take the lead in being a support the her grand-children,but I would not let her guilt you into putting your own family at risk. Your doing the right thing by putting your family first.

  9. halima says:

    Halima, thanks for writing in from the UK. I was hoping that some Caribbean-British sisters would give their feedback—I hope some other British sisters will also write in with their thoughts. I’ve been curious about what British BW in general have to say about this state of affairs, but I haven’t had much success in finding any British BW’s blogs that talk specifically about this.

    [Although, my understanding is that this "comparable to East Asian woman's level of intermarriage" is happening mainly with Caribbean-British BM in the UK, and not so much with African-British BM in the UK. However, I would guess that African-British BM's IRR rate is much higher than that of Indian/Pakistani-British men. So, African-British women might not be having many conversations about this. My understanding is that African women generally don't have as many hangups about marrying out, and specifically about marrying WM. Please feel free to correct me if my impressions are mistaken.]

    Khadija re the british situation, it is helpful to keep in mind that blacks in britain are from two main ethnic groups so to say; Caribbean and African (there are of course those who are mixed african and caribean, those who are mixed black and white, and a growing population of people who are just identify as black british because they have a greater attachment/affinity to britain than any of the frican or caribbean homelands). The last group are essentially second generation or children of immigrants.

    Apart from the african group all the others have high IR rates among their men. The next census will likely reveal that the men from these black sectors are more likely to marry out than in! Infact about 7 years ago it was revealed that 90% of young black men in relationships are more likely to be with white! The sample was small as was the age range (15-19). i think it was more a trend watching excercise and british attitude watch excercise because they tend to prepare ‘british attitudes’ documents from time to time but it is telling and speaks for the future.

    However in Uk the black women of either group do not lag as far behind as US. In other words it isnt 50% behind the men as in the US, but because the black men on the whole are sending strong singnals that they would rather be out than in, there is a cloud over the black female in Uk in terms of dating and the impression is that they are ‘abandoned’.

    Since bw (indeed the world over) continue to feel that their own salvation is tied into bm getting theirs bw have been pushing bm ahead and keeping themselves dutifully behind bm, thinking he will raise them up. sadly as is the usual pattern, they have been sorely disappointed. the older generation is stuck, the younger ones if they are of marriage-interested cultures drift into IR if they need to (it seems that subconciously they weigh things up and drift that way).

    Yes your analysis in the last part bear out. IR rates for African men are on about 20%, african woman 14%, Asian men as a whole 10% and the Asian women (please note Asian here means indian, pakistan and similar not chinese who are very few in Uk)are about 5%.

    African women i suppose do not have the historical grudge against white men so they relate to them differently, but are still at 14% (according to last census), compared to 33% caribbean women. I guess this suggests that the critical factor here in the internal calculations of these women ( likely all unconscious calculations) is the perceived availability of their black male counterparts as indicated by their IR rates. also note that many African men actually marry caribbean women, i bearly hear of the reverse of Caribbean men and African women. the dymanics as you can see is not as straightforward to read but bw still lag behind in IR!

    • Halima,

      Thanks for the additional info; that’s all very interesting.

      You said, “However in Uk the black women of either group do not lag as far behind as US.”

      Good for British BW! Here’s hoping that more AA women in the US buy a clue.

      You said, “In other words it isnt 50% behind the men as in the US, but because the black men on the whole are sending strong singnals that they would rather be out than in, there is a cloud over the black female in Uk in terms of dating and the impression is that they are ‘abandoned’.”

      Hmmm…shades of the stigmatizing trap that folks (including some deluded AA women—who want to champion the most grotesque images of BW, such as “Precious”) want to lock AA women into.

      You said, “Since bw (indeed the world over) continue to feel that their own salvation is tied into bm getting theirs bw have been pushing bm ahead and keeping themselves dutifully behind bm, thinking he will raise them up. sadly as is the usual pattern, they have been sorely disappointed. the older generation is stuck, the younger ones if they are of marriage-interested cultures drift into IR if they need to (it seems that subconciously they weigh things up and drift that way).”

      You said, “also note that many African men actually marry caribbean women, i bearly hear of the reverse of Caribbean men and African women. the dymanics as you can see is not as straightforward to read but bw still lag behind in IR!”

      Oh, that’s very interesting. I wasn’t aware of that.

      Bottom Line: Those AA women and Caribbean-British women in the UK who want their daughters and to have good lives need to consciously steer their daughters toward IRR and finding husbands in the outer world. The odds of finding a loving, quality husband are much better in the global village than in all-Black (AA and Caribbean-British) social circles.

      Expect Success!

      • elly says:

        Hi Khadija and everyone else. I have been reading the blog for about a year now but this is my first post (i am a bw from the UK by the way) I have found these posts particularly enlightening.It’s interesting to observe parallels and similarities about this topic between the UK an the US. I can confirm everything that the other UK poster (Elena?) stated. I hope to post more detailed and insightful posts in the future. Just wanted to introduce myself x
        ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

        [Khadija speaking: Hello there, Elly!
        {waving from across the pond}

        Thanks for de-lurking and writing in with your feedback about what’s going on in the UK! Happy New Year!]

  10. GoneforGood says:

    Well, BW should stop chasing the BM and date outside of their race. He is doing it and will continue to do it at an alarming rate. I don’t know about you ladies, but I will not be alone waiting on no BM. The white women can have them. I will gladly take their men.

    • Pamela says:

      My husband is French. Having a lovely time with him. Why should bw chase and hunt down any man that does not want them? The only one I cared about meeting was the one lone soul that I would connect with in every way. Glad I met him:)

      Have fun meeting yours:)

  11. Joyousnerd says:

    Khadija, I am delighted to hear about the new turn you are taking with the blog. I really look forward to participating, as I am at the point in my life where I have rowed away from the shore and now am looking at where I’m GOING, not where I’m fleeing from.

    For the posts about creating a flawless body, I do hope you’ll look into bellydance. Unlike pilates that can give a very square and boxy shape to the abdominals, bellydance creates curves. These exercises strengthen all of the abs, not just the “six pack” in the front. The back is also strengthened, which gives balance to the body and prevents injury. It’s thousands of years old and really hones that womanly shape. I can see the difference and it is amazing. If I have slacked on the bellydance for a week, and then I dance, I can see results the next day in my waistline. Sorry if this is too far off topic.

    OK, back to the official death of Black Love. I wonder what the effect will be on black America with these changes. With so many BM marrying out, there will be lots more kids like me (abandoned by their DBRBM fathers and raised within a white family). On the one hand, this could result in a shift toward more black people being raised within healthier social constructs and being spared the treacherous anti-BW dogma that we so often see in the BC. These children may do better academically for example, because they don’t have the Acting Black Crew in their families.

    On the other hand, these fatherless kids will have their share of difficulties as all abandoned kids do. There will also be identity issues to sort out. Many will experience extreme poverty and exploitation.

    I think there may come a tipping point at which most WW will avoid BM like the plague. As more BM marry out, more WW will have the chance to see their damage from close-up, via WW friends, coworkers and family members. When the pattern of how DBR these men tend to be becomes clear enough, will WW stop dealing with BM en masse? Of course the obese, facially challenged, multiple babymammas may see no other option. But I think that the onus against choosing BM will increase after enough WW get burned.

    In my tiny town there are 3-4 white families raising the castoff grandchildren of their white daughters and trife DBRBM. Those numbers will only increase.

    • JoyousNerd,

      You said, “Khadija, I am delighted to hear about the new turn you are taking with the blog. I really look forward to participating, as I am at the point in my life where I have rowed away from the shore and now am looking at where I’m GOING, not where I’m fleeing from.”

      Guurl, yes—the time of outreach to folks who may or may not get it is OVER. I’m also not going to spend any more time on folks who are hanging around the shore as bystanders (= folks who aren’t taking action).

      For one unfortunate example of women who are not taking action, it seems to me that a fair number of AA women who read BWE blogs still don’t understand the physical danger they’re in as long as they remain within Black residential areas.

      If an AA woman is not working on escaping whatever (dangerous) Black residential area she lives in, then what is the purpose of her reading BWE blogs? If she’s not DOING SOMETHING (saving money to move, investigating places you can move to, etc.) to address the physical danger she’s currently in, how does such a reader have time to talk about other issues? Answer: Because she’s reading these BWE blogs as entertainment only. Well, that’s NOT my purpose in writing these posts. I’ve decided that I need to stop writing posts that are of any interest to NON-action takers.

      You said, “For the posts about creating a flawless body, I do hope you’ll look into bellydance. Unlike pilates that can give a very square and boxy shape to the abdominals, bellydance creates curves. These exercises strengthen all of the abs, not just the “six pack” in the front. The back is also strengthened, which gives balance to the body and prevents injury. It’s thousands of years old and really hones that womanly shape. I can see the difference and it is amazing. If I have slacked on the bellydance for a week, and then I dance, I can see results the next day in my waistline. Sorry if this is too far off topic.”

      Tips that can help one achieve and maintain flawlessness are always relevant and welcome here! :-) I’ve been taking another look at Melina’s blog (The Art of Being Feminine—she’s moving on to do another blog more focused on her Christian beliefs, but so far she’s left TAOBF up, which is good).

      I plan to start doing posts about some of the same beauty-culture related topics that Melina dealt with. With my own angle, of course! LOL! [Which, incidentally, means there's no time left for me to debate with BW who don't see any value in, or need for, femininity and an "on point" self-presentation.] In my own little way, I hope to pick up where Melina left off with that.

      You said, “OK, back to the official death of Black Love. I wonder what the effect will be on black America with these changes. With so many BM marrying out, there will be lots more kids like me (abandoned by their DBRBM fathers and raised within a white family). On the one hand, this could result in a shift toward more black people being raised within healthier social constructs and being spared the treacherous anti-BW dogma that we so often see in the BC. These children may do better academically for example, because they don’t have the Acting Black Crew in their families.

      On the other hand, these fatherless kids will have their share of difficulties as all abandoned kids do. There will also be identity issues to sort out. Many will experience extreme poverty and exploitation.”

      Well, to put the spotlight back on how such trends affect the Sojourners:

      I think the potential problem in this trendline for Sojourners is that:

      (1) As more BM mate out with nonblack women, they are increasingly creating a so-called “biracial” underclass of abandoned, poorly-raised children. From what I hear from BW I know who live in Europe, there’s already a burgeoning “caste” of poorly-adjusted, half-Black children, teens, and young adults who were abandoned by their BM fathers.

      (2) Because of the mess BM will continue to create with their widespread abandonment of their half-Black children, being so-called biracial (as in half-Black biracial) will become increasingly stigmatized in the global village.

      (3) The danger is that a Sojourner’s half-Black children might be assumed to be the neglected, abandoned—soon to be STIGMATIZED—”biracial” spawn of an absentee BM.

      *Addendum*
      My point is that as more AA men mate out with nonblack women, nonblacks are increasingly making the connection that being “biracial” (half-Black) EQUALS being the fatherless product of a shiftless Negro male. This general assumption that AA males are creating by their ongoing paternal abandonment is NOT a good assumption that might be applied to a Sojourner’s “mixed” children.

      As BM continue to abandon and neglect their increasing numbers of half-Black children the same way they do their all-Black children, and these children act out and become poorly-adjusted adults, these BM will create a new stigma surrounding being so-called “biracial” (half-Black biracial).

      Expect Success!

  12. LorMarie says:

    Greetings, Khadija. Thank you again for telling the truth even though this may hurt some. I posted a link to this article to my facebook page not caring that family and friends still stuck in the martix will see it. You never know who may need to hear it.

  13. Ali says:

    Hmmm –

    This is a long comment, but this is fascinating – I’d love to hear more about this from Halima, because what I’ve heard about England is so very different. I traveled in other parts of Europe (had terrific times) but I’ve never been to England. The two black women I’ve heard of there – a acquaintance who studied abroad, and a distant cousin who lives over there . . . . .they LOVE it. They both date wm pretty much exclusively. Okay, I’ll be honest – they’re not checking for bm at all, and the love it. My cousin lives in a place called Brixton I think, and her fiancée is some nice Scottish guy. The acquaintance loved it so much she’s trying to move there permanently. She didn’t specially mention the opportunities for IR dating, but I do know she did a lot of dating over there.

    Also chk out his link to an American black woman, who lived in England (now in France, I believe) – she talks about IR dating, etc. and seems to being doing well:

    http://americanblackchickinlondon.blogspot.com/

    I’ve never dated a Brit over here, but I’ve met a few white british/irish men here. In New York, there are a lot of them – there are even dating services exclusively for brits/londerners who want to meet Americans/new Yorkers – the guys all seem very interested and friendly. You see dating ads ads posted – sw british man seeks sbf, etc.

    That’s why this is so surprising; I’d love to hear more from other black British women – is the sad group you’re talking about the women who are still interested in ‘black love’? You would certainly know more about it than we would over here, so I’d love to get more details. Is this group of women made up of recent immigrants?

    Also – from where I sit, I’m meeting fewer and fewer ‘black love’ type women. Have you guys seen the ads for ‘What Chili Wants’ a new reality show? It seems like a lot of bw are starting to wake up on this issue:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYdDi_a7sag

    I’m also starting to see bm concede some points and be a bit – just a bit – less verbally abusive online. It’s like they can feel the change happening. There’s also been a bit of a change in the air regarding ww/bm relationships. What used to be hip/cool/edgy /rebellious (in ww’s eyes) is now seen as desperate/ pathetic/clichéd – in fact I’ve heard ww comment that they don’t date bm – not because they don’t like them – but simply because the way that it looks to others . . . . . . . . that they couldn’t get anyone else.

    I think BM screwed up in their big rush to date WW – ANY WW they could find- fat, ugly, sex tape types etc. They devalued themselves in other people’s eyes, because it’s clear that they’ll be with anything with white skin. And they did all this BEFORE nailing down prominence and real wealth, in the way Asian M and Hispanic M and have. I’ve been very impressed especially with all the new AM/ WW relationships – these guys are not messing with trailer trash types at all. And that includes Indian guys – nobody wants that stigma that BM now reek of – ‘eau de desperate for white flesh’. For all the stupid, idiotic defiance some BW have about dating WM – at least no one can say that BW are chasing WM.

    Also, I see more AM/WW relationships in NYC than BM/WW – by a long shot.

    The black man’s problem right now is that EVERYBODY knows that BM are obsessed with WW! EVERYBODY. The big ‘secret’ is out. Even my clueless WM friends joke about it – it’s the Tiger Woods thing,and it’s deeply embarrassing. Also, I think people are seeing that the results of these relationships are not good – I don’t know how it is in GB, but here in US, they get divorced as soon as they get married, and the children are NOT taken care of. WW are starting to find out that BW are not ‘crazy’ after all and that many of the stereotypes about BM are – sadly – true.

    On top of that – hip-hop/gangsta rap culture is dying and losing it’s uber glamorous cache. The whole thing is getting stale – I think BM took what was ‘trendy’ and ‘rebellious’ to WW – dating them – as a REAL movement towards them, and not a temporary trendy thing. 99% of WW want nothing to do with them – I think that very soon, these guys are going to want to ‘come back home’

    That’s what worries me – I want to see my girlfriends and relatives – and ALL BW – really get away and live the best lives possible, not get lured back by these desperate guys who WW are turning away.

    I’d love to get your feedback on all this Khadija and Halima – am I completely off base?

    • Ali,

      Halima and other British sisters are better suited to discuss the social dynamics in the UK. But here’s my guess as to what might be impacting these different perceptions/experiences: Black women from different ethnic groups/nationalities often have different experiences with the Whites living in a particular country.

      To a certain extent, the way Whites in any given country react to individuals from various Black ethnic groups is impacted by whether or not that White country had a colonial history/experience with Black Ethnic Group X.

      For example, American Whites used to respond to, and treat, non-AA Blacks much better than they did to AAs. Non-AAs were comfy, “exotic,” and less threatening to American Whites because non-AA Blacks are NOT part of America’s Original Sin of slavery, Jim Crow, etc. Nor were they perceived as being part of the Civil Rights Movement, or other protest movements.

      Similar to how the French react much better to AAs as opposed to how they react to Black Africans and Arab North Africans. France has a nasty colonial history with North Africans and other Africans. AAs are NOT part of French colonial history, so it’s easier for French people to have a “fresh,” relatively untainted, and unburdened-by-history impression of AAs. Of course, I’m only speaking relative to how they respond to other types of Black folks.

      Unfortunately, I would imagine that this is changing as Black Exploitation Television beams its filth and assorted horrid images of AAs across this planet.

      Expect Success!

    • Xai says:

      @Ali
      Hi Ali, it’s as if you tapped into my brain and noticed the things I have noticed. Black men have worn out their welcome in the global village. I belong to several black oriented travel sites and I always snicker when I hear reports from black males regarding hostile reactions to them as visitors to foreign countries. They don’t get that their horrid reputations precede them. Black males have impregnated and vacated all over this planet. They have trashed whole societies. Don’t believe me? Visit Amsterdam!! There is a huge underclass of biracial children-all spawned by black males. It has impacted the economy of these societies and things are changing for the better for black women as opposed to black males. White women are no longer gung ho to bed a black male. This is especially true in Scandinavia after Tiger Woods. The rise in bw/wm relationships in Scandinavia is astonishing. This is also because there has been a quiet backlash from wm. They’ve also been trashed by their women. This is great for black women who are interested in Euro men. I’d like to give a mighty thanks to black men for crapping in someone else’s back yard. Finally people are beginning to see that black women aren’t lying or bashing black men. They now see that we are speaking the truth; in fact, that truth is now being echoed by abandoned white and other non black women. Euro men who might have ignored us in the past have become much more interested and sympathetic to our situations. So sisters, carry yourselves with grace and pride, never forget that as women we will always be valued by real men and know that things are actually about to change in our favor because sadly a leopard never changes his spots. As black men continue their lemming like stampede to the sea just make sure you are not in the group of female mules who will follow in that suicidal rush to the sea. Prepare and be ready to take advantage of the growing interest in the beauty of black women by the males of the global village.

      • joyousnerd says:

        Thank you for addressing this topic!

        The Scandinavian situation is ripe for a BW with her head on straight. The land of feminism on steroids has made men feel emasculated and rejected. The women of Scandinavia have a reputation for high rates of infidelity and being difficult to live with.

        Meanwhile, BW have a reputation over there for being faithful and supportive as well as beautiful. Of course we know these are just *stereotypes*, not the reality for any specific person necessarily.

        However, since the men there already hold BW to be the most beautiful :) and the most faithful wives :) Black women are viewed almost as a prize or trophy there. We really should jump on that opportunity!

        If I were single again I would absolutely marry a Scandinavian man. Their culture trains men up to do a full fifty percent of the diaper changing, cooking, cleaning, etc. They are very respectful of women, with the world’s best standard of living.

      • Karen says:

        Having traveled quite a bit in Western Europe and a bit in Eastern Europe, I can confirm your observations with regards to Biracial children where the mother is white and the BM father is almost always MIA…

      • YMB says:

        This is why I think it does benefit all BW, especially Sojourners to have the truth about DBRBMs become widely known. It helps to derail their anti-BW defamation campaign and attempts to prevent other types of men from partnering with BW.

  14. Pamela says:

    Leaving those that refuse to change is the best advice to give to bw that have moved on. I am so glad I am not around people like that these days. I am very far away from the line of fire of those that I used to be around. Most of them probably could not find out where I am unless they use Facebook. I have not tried to find any of these people. If I run into them I will introduce them to my lovely husband. If they find me on Facebook (and I accept them as friends) they will see how my good life improved after I married December 18, 2009. I moved on long before I married. We are looking at other income streams and living life to the full.

    I agree there is a time where you will go slower in life if you continue to mess with people that throw excuses at you because they do not want to change and want to shame you for doing better. Leave them behind and let them spew venom at those stupid enough to listen to it.

  15. YMB says:

    I have long thought it would ultimately be a good thing for AA women to be rid of AA men. Sorry, but good riddance. The more of them take their non-functioning selves to non-BW and refuse to marry, protect, or provide for them, the more it becomes exposed that the low marriage rate among AA women is a function of the mass defectiveness of AA males. Many people point out that the IRR marriage rate is much higher for AA men but hardly anyone points out that the overall marriage rate for AA men is almost as low as it is for AA women. The majority of AA men are not interested in building committed and stable relationships and raising and providing for their children PERIOD. It’s not about AA women not being “good enough” for marriage and fidelity.

    In the coming year I am cutting ties with my deadbeat brother who has a lifelong habit of taking resources from BW and bringing them to WW. I could tell some tales about his misdeeds (such as his pawning my mother’s engagement and wedding rings) but I’m not going to bother rehashing any of it. I am giving myself permission to not invite him to my wedding next year because he is not someone who adds any value to my life.

    • Zoopath says:

      Good for you for setting that boundary. There are some people that we are richer for having lost.

    • YMB,

      As I said in my reply to JoyousNerd above, the only potential concern any of this is to the Sojourners is that BM will increasingly create an underclass of abandoned, poorly-adjusted half-Black children. To the extent that this equation (half-Black EQUALS being a poorly-adjusted product of a BM) becomes an assumption that is also applied to a Sojourner’s “mixed” children.

      Expect Success!

      • To the extent that this equation (half-Black EQUALS being a poorly-adjusted product of a BM) becomes an assumption that is also applied to a Sojourner’s “mixed” children.

        This is a major concern of mine and has been for a while. I have one biracial son and will be giving birth (God willing) to another in April. Fortunately my husband is very involved in his activities, especially at school and in sports. He attends school conferences and coaches almost all the sports our son plays. We get comments all the time about how well-behaved he is and how good his manner are. Still, I worry as he gets older what the response will be. I’ve seen too many of these half-raised feral biracial children in the various social systems in which I worked, and the boys in particular often seem to have issues with being “blacker than black.” Unfortunately, their definition of blackness seems defined by something they’ve seen in a Lil Wayne video.

        • Roslyn,

          You said, “I’ve seen too many of these half-raised feral biracial children in the various social systems in which I worked, and the boys in particular often seem to have issues with being “blacker than black.” Unfortunately, their definition of blackness seems defined by something they’ve seen in a Lil Wayne video.”

          Yep. I’ve noticed this also. Right now, these observations are mostly limited to people who’ve worked with social services in any capacity. As more BM mate out and then (as is their general practice) abandon their half-Black children, the wider public will also start to notice the same patterns and make the same (stigmatizing) connections to being (half-Black) so-called “biracial.”

          Expect Success!

    • Xai says:

      @YMB
      I am heartened to hear of your housecleaning of the black males in your immediate circle. I know and have been told that I am very radical in my stance regarding black males. It’s just that I am perplexed, something doesn’t add up. We all know of the huge number of dbrbm yet I always hear black women making exceptions for the males in their families. Can’t be true! So I ask that black women bring vetting to a personal level. Before vetting males as potential suitors, we must vet the males in our families and jettison those that are found wanting. I too, have had hideous family drama such that I have jettisoned my 4 brothers. None of them ever brought home a black hued woman, only the lightest females they could find, all while continually bashing black women. When they fell on hard times, guess who they expected to bail them out? Some of the questions we should ask ourselves about our sons/brothers etc is: What is the color and caliber of the women they bring home or associate with? What are the characteristics of the women they revere? Are they there to support/help the women of your family? Do they form relationships with women who look like you? Have they produced children? Are they caring for those children financially and emotionally? How do they treat women in general? Is there a difference in treatment based on hue? This isn’t rocket science! The truth starts at home, if we refuse to see the bs in our own homes how can we steer clear of it in the real world? It’s time for utter, brutal truth in 2011.
      Sorry for the rant.

      • Xai,

        What you said is EXACTLY the point I wanted to make! VETTING BEGINS AT HOME! Which is why I’ve added your comment as an addendum to the post—thank you!

        We’ve all recently been to holiday family gatherings where we see that various BF relatives are giving material support to BM sons, nephews, cousins, etc. who:

        (1) mainly or exclusively date nonblack women; and

        (2) NEVER reciprocate the support given to them by BF relatives (other BM in the family never give these BM nephews, cousins or whoever anything—and nobody expects BM relatives to support other BM); and

        (3) whose ACTIONS show that they hate BW.

        How does any BW call herself “vetting” anybody if she’s still supporting these types of Black males? Like you said, Vetting begins at home!

        Expect Success!

  16. CNS says:

    I just wanted to say Thank You! Your site is the (free)therapy that I need, especially right now.

    Thanks a bunch.

  17. Everybody,

    Up to now, I’ve let some off-topic, totally nonresponsive comments through. But I won’t let any more through during this conversation.

    Let me emphasize that I intend for this conversation to stay on track and on-topic. Like I said, I’m turning a page here at the end of 2010. I’ve decided to be ruthless in discouraging “Venting-Only” sorts of conversations here. Unfortunately, this means that I deleted a number of comments (that I enjoyed reading) because they were totally off-topic, or engaged in empty venting, or consisted solely of Analysis of Damaged Black Men. That’s not the purpose of these conversations.

    The purpose of the conversations here is for the Sojourners who are TAKING ACTION (in light of various emerging trends) to strategize and compare notes. Any analysis done here is for the purpose of adjusting our ACTIONS.

    So, to recap, I’ll delete any comment that consists mostly of:

    • damaged Black man horror stories; the Sojourners already know what’s wrong with so many AA males;
    • analysis of damaged Black men. Who cares? Damaged BM are not part of any Sojourner’s life or future, so there’s no point in wasting one’s time analyzing them.
    • comments that totally fail to address the 2 take-away points/questions I posed at the end of the post: (1) the need to get clear of indoctrinated, Black Love-type AA women; and (2) the need to ensure that one is NOT in any way supporting nonreciprocating individuals or entities.

    I want to analyze matters from the perspective of Sojourners who are TAKING ACTION. Not from the random BF peanut gallery of bystanders.

    So, please try to address your comments to how whatever it is you’re talking about affects the Sojourners’ interests.

    Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

    Expect Success!

  18. faith says:

    This post has generated a big response on CW’s Facebook page by the way.

    [Khadija speaking: Oh, that's good to hear. I don't have a Facebook account, so I don't think I have access to any of that.]

  19. pat says:

    Thanks for all of the comments about my sighting on Saturday. I am still so excited about it. It was a defining moment for me! Because I am around so many defeated and I mean highly educated black women, I need some constant inspiration. She is my new role model!!!

    Check this out make sure you watch the video of her on the first link (scroll down)if you want to see a flawless black woman:

    http://www.tvparty.com/varlola.html

    Just some more background about her:

    http://www.answers.com/topic/lola-falana

  20. pat says:

    Khadija,

    I sent the links over about Lola because it does correspond with what you are talking about regarding us moving on. My game plan is to use these women as role models. I hope that my last post is in line with what you are trying to accomplish because she is my new role model and this is what a lot of black women need.

    Thanks for all you do with you blog and by the way I tried to purchase your book earlier this year and I had a hard time getting on the site. I want my sister to read it.

    [Khadija speaking: You're welcome! I let the Lola-related comments through because achieving and maintaining "flawlessness" is always relevant and on-topic here. :-) (as I mentioned in my reply to JoyousNerd's comment). The book is available at Amazon.com. Thanks for your support!]

  21. NijaG says:

    Khadija said:
    My point is that as more AA men mate out with nonblack women, nonblacks are increasingly making the connection that being “biracial” (half-Black) EQUALS being the fatherless product of a shiftless Negro male. This general assumption that AA males are creating by their ongoing paternal abandonment is NOT a good assumption that might be applied to a Sojourner’s “mixed” children.

    As BM continue to abandon and neglect their increasing numbers of half-Black children the same way they do their all-Black children, and these children act out and become poorly-adjusted adults, these BM will create a new stigma surrounding being so-called “biracial” (half-Black biracial)
    *****************************************************************

    There was study I first saw on Evia’s blog where it mentioned that the WM/BW marriages where listed as the second most stable relationships in the US. I won’t be surprised if there is a similar pattern in Europe also.

    I think BM/WW was second to last or last (I can’t remember).

    This is where I think Sojourner-types (SJT) especially Western Black (USA and Europe) will be vindicated. As more SJTs/BWEs get themselves together and start forming ties and creating/building families with Quality men of other groups (the main one being WM in the Western world), a shift is naturally going to occur.

    It’s all about numbers and going over the “TIPPING POINT.”

    Right now for the average person, the face of black interracial rlsps is BM/Non BW.

    Like you and some posters have mentioned, many people are beginning to notice that regardless of who BM (no matter their class level) marry or have rlsps with, the level of dysfunction in that family unit is way higher than any other group.

    At the same time, interracial rlsps amongst BW is increasing. People are also noticing these relationships tend to be very stable and longer lasting than the average.

    You’re right. I think there is going to be a specific type of targeted discrimination against Black Biracials. However, it’s going to be targeted towards BM’s biracial offsprings for the most part based on the reasons you stated.

    I think for BW who marry out their children will get a special sort of protection, because the men from these groups will find a way to protect their children. If that means they have to find a way to scape-goat BM’s children and turn that negative attention away from their own Biracial children, then they will do it.

    • Brenda55 says:

      I agree with this assessment. White fathers will protect their biracial children. So to will White mothers and their extended families. One need not look farther than the current President of the USA to see an example of what I am talking about.

      Note, much of the push to have biracial children recognized on documents such as census forms, school records and the like is coming from White women in the interest of their own children.

      There will be a subset of biracial children, the offspring of DBR-BM who will not thrive but I believe that it will be a small cohort.

      [Khadija speaking: I don't understand why so many of us talk as if Pres. Obama is "typical" of anything---he's not. He's a statistical outlier in many, many ways. In his case, after his DBR African father abandoned him and his White mother, I'm not so sure that it was his mother's White extended family that immediately came to his or his mother's rescue. He's never emphasized this fact, because of White America's anti-Muslim bigotry---but his mother quickly remarried an Indonesian man who move them both to Indonesia. (Was his mother really that "into" 3rd world men of color? Or had she ruined her value among WM at that point?)

      Anyhoo, after living with his mother and stepfather in Indonesia for several years, the President was sent back to Hawaii to live with his maternal grandparents. Without his mother. All of which is quite telling.]

      • Brenda55 says:

        No argument with any of what your posted. Pres. Obama is a statistical outlier. I point to him as a well known example of what I am talking about. However my point still stands. His mother and her family did managed to raise him in such a way that he did not become a DBR Biracial man following his own father’s abandonment. Most of these children will not necessarily grow up damaged. Women are resourceful. If a woman is willing to think and act outside of the box, utilizing all of the options available to her actions can go a long way towards damping the effects of a deadbeat father. Of course the best option is not bringing home a deadbeat in the first place.

      • Magenta says:

        I hope I am not veering to far off topic but I recall reading in Pres. Obama’s first book that his Indonesian stepfather was a great influence in his life and was definitely a father figure. This seemed strange to me since candidate Obama pretty much gave the impression that he was raised by his white grandparents. He still doesn’t talk about him that much. Not thinking about it, you are probably correct in that he minimizes the role his stepfather played in his upbringing in order to keep the birther idiots at bay.

        I always found it strange that his mother sent him back, and I never really bought the reason that the school system in Indonesia was inferior and young Barry was falling behind. I don’t think she would have been so quick to send off a white child.

        I guess the main point is that as DBRBM’s mating out increases in the US, you will have more and more mixed race children either in foster care or being raised by white relatives, which entails its own set of issues. The majority of these children will NOT turn out like Obama (I an not suggesting that anyone said that) and will have serious issues. I too am worried that the children of BW and non-BM will be stigmatized as the product of a DBRBM and a low class Becky. I remember one of your posts on the other blog about how half black/half Asians are discriminated against the Asian culture because many assume that their mother was a prostitute who hooked up with a black soldier stationed in their country.

        I definitely do not any future children of mine to be stigmatized like this so I will work to make sure there is a clear distinction, if and when that time comes. Selecting a quality mate will resolve a lot of this because children raised in a healthier environment will not have the same behavioral problems as DBRBM’s children.

        • Magenta,

          You said, “I guess the main point is that as DBRBM’s mating out increases in the US, you will have more and more mixed race children either in foster care or being raised by white relatives, which entails its own set of issues. The majority of these children will NOT turn out like Obama (I an not suggesting that anyone said that) and will have serious issues.”

          This is what I expect to happen as more AA men mate out.

          You said, “I definitely do not any future children of mine to be stigmatized like this so I will work to make sure there is a clear distinction, if and when that time comes. Selecting a quality mate will resolve a lot of this because children raised in a healthier environment will not have the same behavioral problems as DBRBM’s children.”

          Yes, selecting a QUALITY husband is critical in protecting one’s children from this. As NijaG pointed out, a quality husband will do whatever he has to do to protect his children from being tarred with what I expect will be the emerging BM’s Abandoned & Neglected Biracial Child stigma.

          Expect Success!

      • Karen says:

        Yes, very telling indeed….

    • NijaG,

      You said, “I think there is going to be a specific type of targeted discrimination against Black Biracials. However, it’s going to be targeted towards BM’s biracial offsprings for the most part based on the reasons you stated.

      I think for BW who marry out their children will get a special sort of protection, because the men from these groups will find a way to protect their children. If that means they have to find a way to scape-goat BM’s children and turn that negative attention away from their own Biracial children, then they will do it.”

      Yes, a QUALITY man from the global village will do whatever he has to do to protect his own children!

      Expect Success!

  22. joyousnerd says:

    My goodness. Pat, thank you for the links to information about Lola Falana. I had heard her name before but I had no idea what an amazing career she had.

    Her body was truly flawless before her illness struck. Luckily we have more advanced medical treatments available today for MS than in 1988. Even so, none of us knows when our physical form may be changed for the worse by circumstances outside of our control, so we should really capitalize on the time when it IS within our control.

    I’m impressed by her ability to evolve and adapt to changing conditions. Even after she decided to stop doing the show business thing, she focused her efforts on helping the vulnerable and needy. And, as we heard earlier, she’s not letting her illness be an excuse to let her self-presentation slip, either. Brava, Ms. Falana!

  23. Hodan says:

    Khadija: “Ladies, now that you’re back from various Christmas gatherings with your (biological) relatives, this is a good time to take stock. Are you investing resources into a Black male nephew, cousin, or anybody else who is on his way to giving those same resources to a nonblack woman? If so, why are you investing in someone who will never invest in any Black woman (usually including his own Black mother)?”

    Hodan: I feel like I don’t have much to contribute since my experience with DBM is very limited. But I always watch out for losers and avoid them,whether they are related or not. Its universal how black women regardless of their cultural background or nationality sacrifice so much for their family. So, recently I’ve been learning to think about ‘me/myself/I,’ which my mom says it can be selfish and unIslamic. However, in my world view, I cannot constantly put others financial need above my own, which is a drain, specially since I’m just beginning to invest and safe.

    I was raised never expecting to take care of a man financially at lease, which is one of the positive cultural aspect. Having said that, it does not mean we are immune from endless relatives calling from far, mostly in Africa thinking because we live in the west, we must be swimming in $$$.

    Khadija: “The purpose of the conversations here is for the Sojourners who are TAKING ACTION (in light of various emerging trends) to strategize and compare notes. Any analysis done here is for the purpose of adjusting our ACTIONS.”

    Hodan: awesome, I’m at the stage of getting to somewhere better and not about discussing what we’ve already identified and analyzed to death. I was telling my mom how I have no intention of struggling financially or emotionally in my life or with my children (in sha’Allah)….and my mom had this funny smile on her face and said to me: pray and work for a blessed union and everything will fall into place.

  24. EleneC says:

    Hello Khadija

    My views from the UK

    I have never even considered black UK men when dating. When I thought about it, I was a little shocked. I do not hate them at all –I just don’t care and never have done. I must have subconsciously realised that they were not really relevant in anything (by their own choice as they refuse to be masters of anything). This sounds awful but it was not even a malicious consideration – I just knew, they were for fun and games, if that was your thing, otherwise don’t bother.

    Black folk in the UK in my opinion have never really tried to do much for ourselves at all. Lots of talk and no action. Even today when ‘conscious’ black people talk about issues it sounds as though we are still in the 1950’s and mentally, I suppose we are because as a ‘community’ we have made no progress – or even tried to.

    I walked into an Indian store about 18 months ago – one of my locals where I can get most things. Anyway, a young Indian man was talking to the Indian female shop owner, (a no nonsense woman who understands business and has worked hard for her 2 children) and I caught some of the conversation.

    “ …. West Indians have not made any progress, they are as they were in the 60’s, but look at the Somalis. They have shops and businesses; the new East Europeans have loads of shops in such a short time being here, but Jamaicans – nothing….”

    He trailed off when he realised I was in the shop. I wanted to say, ‘don’t mind me, the truth is the truth and join in to get their view on this. But I left the shop thinking ‘so, it’s not just me who notices this’. Of course it’s not!

    I have never considered UK black men as serious relationship material – they make it quite clear they are not that – always on the hustle.

    I have never understood why black communities hold the black male in such esteem. For a group that literally does NOTHIHNG, this is an amazing feat – to be able to hoodwink, enthral a whole community of people. Nice one!

    I could understand if the black man was building new communities and ways of life with these other women, but they are not. They generally try as hard as possible to move into her realm/race. If they are rich they bring their money to try to buy their way amongst them or they use their fame. Whatever it is they have to tout, they will use to gain acceptance from their chosen group.

    If black men owned all the shops and stores in black neighbourhoods, ran the local councils or played a large part in it, were seeking university level education, displaying business acumen, I could understand the resentment of black women, but they are NOT doing any of these things.

    I know a few WW with mixed children who they decided to keep – no black partner though. They get support from family where they can or they are now with white partners. However, there are a lot of mixed children in care homes, it is sad. The local authorities sometimes make requests for parents (foster/adopted) for these children, especially the younger ones. Some are in homes with their siblings.

    I see a lot of BW with WM where I live and it depends on where you socialise. They tend to be more upscale depending on the man and most of them are middle class and above, not all, but most. Those who are not seem to be aiming for a better way of life, again, not all, but most of those sorts of parings. UK BW are catching up as far as I can see and are making a better job of it, generally.

    Excuse typos – just rushing out the catch the sales!

    Ps. Khadija, I will email you an article shortly that had me in stiches when I came across it a few years ago. Found it again and had a giggle! Not much has changed as you will see!

    Regards
    EleneC

    • EleneC,

      Hello there!
      {waving from across the pond}

      Thanks for writing in with your feedback about what’s going on in the UK!

      You said, “I know a few WW with mixed children who they decided to keep – no black partner though. They get support from family where they can or they are now with white partners. However, there are a lot of mixed children in care homes, it is sad. The local authorities sometimes make requests for parents (foster/adopted) for these children, especially the younger ones. Some are in homes with their siblings.”

      That’s interesting. And it fits in with the observations I’ve heard from other BW living in various parts of Europe: They see a lot of WW—ALONE—with their half-Black children—with NO (BM) husband or father in sight.

      Leopards don’t change their spots…no matter where they go or with whom…

      Expect Success!

  25. foreverloyal says:

    There are only a handful of males in my family that I would/do help if needed. They have proven their loyalty to family by giving of their money, time, and other resources to assist by parents/grandparents. (And me). The others… well… I wish them well. That goes for the women in the family too.

    To your point about a new stigma against biracial children, I hadn’t considered that but it certainly seems a likely outcome, looking at the trendlines.

    I believe that the networks built and strengthened by Sojourner’s will buffer their children from these likely ill effects. If these children are known by a wide variety of people (school officials, members of the local junior league, moms/dads business associates) as good kids from stable homes, it will smooth their paths through life.

    Barbara Sizemore, in a video posted on one of Evia’s essays said that people get jobs through three avenues: Kinship, Friendship, (and politics I think was the third one). I would add that these three avenues are also helpful for getting married, and all kinds of tips and tricks that make surviving and thriving easier.

    Sojourner’s kids can be largely protected by how well their parents maneuver.

  26. serioussally says:

    Hodan,

    I used to let guilt about things being selfish, un-islamic, or “anti-black” hold me back. It is what I refer to as my “last hurdle.” It was this blog that helped me overcome that last hurdle and I am just about ready to soar because of it.

    Even the Prophet (pbupahf) tells us that it is BETTER to be alone than to be with evil people. It is evil to abandon your responsibilities. It is evil to suck others dry of their resources and give them nothing but suffering in return. We need to take heed of the Prophet’s words and turn them against folks who would use them to oppress us. Is it not evil to twist the words of God? We have a treasure in this deen and it’s time to “stand up for justice” even if it is “against our own selves.” The self extends to the dbr family members. The principle of justice trumps even blood ties. If we had taken heed of those words the Muslim community in America would NOT be in the hot water it’s in now because we would have dealt with these lunatics breeding hatred and fear. We would have turned away the Salafi/Wahhabi menace when it reared it’s ugly head in the early 90s. Don’t get me started…

    DIVESTment from dbr folks and their supporters frees up essential resources to INVEST. Investing time, money, worry, and physical effort in dbr folk and their supporters is tilling barren soil. Take those resources and INVEST them in fecund soil.

    If I am prayed-up, well-rested, and well-fed I have greater mental clarity and energy to invest in the well-being of my marriage and the development of my children and those in my circle of friends and the larger community who are ready and willing to move onward and upward. When you invest in the dbr community all you reap is suffering. When you invest in your health and then the health of the ready and willing (especially when the ready and willing are bound by blood) you begin a cycle of benefits that grow expotentially. And they extend beyond the life of this world.

    For those who are having a hard time getting rid of the dbr folks. Sometimes it helps to focus on including more and more quality in your life. Once you get so much quality you find that you just don’t have time for that which is of no value. The desire for it just fades away. It can be very hard to avoid junk food, but if you are always satisfied on nutritious, quality food then the desire for junk just fades away.

    • Serioussally,

      Preach! Alhamdulilah!

      Expect Success!

    • mobile68 says:

      serioussally says:

      I used to let guilt about things being selfish, un-islamic (I’m inserting Christian here because that’s what I USED to pratice), or “anti-black” hold me back. It is what I refer to as my “last hurdle.” It was this blog that helped me overcome that last hurdle and I am just about ready to soar because of it.

      I could not have said it better myself! Thank you for this serioussally!

      I also want to say thank you Khadjia & etal for this and other BWE forums that I was lucky to discover. If this what a detox is supposed to feel like then I’m going to be an addict!

      The passport book is wonderful. I have to carry it around w/ me like it’s a bible for a minute though. These DBRBW on the south side of Chicago are nowhere near ready for this & probaly will never ever be.

      Just six months ago I was ready to throw in the towel. I could not see the light at the end of that crab barrel called the Black Community. Everywhere I go (work, school, home, clubs & especially the “church”) I felt like that character that Oprah played in The Color Purple when she was at the dinner table talking about how trapped she felt when she was in jail. That is what being born into & raised feel like in the BC.

      Now I have cleaned house of so-called friends. And family members. I choose when I want to be bothered if ever. No shame in being all about me anymore. I survived 3 pulmonary embolisms so I must have a purpose that need to be served but not where I’m at currently in my life.

      I’m going back to school to update my skills, meet some new friends, learn a new language & hobbies in a whole different enviroment this January. Then I’m thinking about finishing my schooling up in Seattle, then looking to live over seas somewhere (still researching that one).

      And that’s the thing, I’m trying to figure out what addtional skills are needed & can those be combined w/ the ones I already have so that I can live & work overseas sooner than later. Plus to make that conicide with my golden years when that time comes. Living here in the US is going to be a joke real soon:

      Where are the jobs? For many companies, overseas
      http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Where-are-the-jobs-For-many-apf-2052621322.html?x=0

      I always had to be self-reliant so why not do it in place where I can finally be happy? Where I am appreciated & celebrated & not just tolerated.

      Sorry about the rant, but I had to get that off of me so I can get ready to receive your posts on abundance & living well in the new year & beyond.

      HAPPY NEW YEAR to all!

      • Mobile68,

        You’re welcome!

        Since you’re open to overseas possibilities, you might want to keep an eye on the Sovereign Man blog. He gives frequent reviews of the conditions for opportunities in other countries. He also has a private subscriber newsletter and forum, Sovereign Man Confidential. I haven’t joined that private membership at this point. I expect to do so sometime next year, and then give a review of it. But judging from the high value info he discusses on the free blog, I would expect that the info discussed in the private area is also high quality.

        I’ll say this: From what I’ve read, I don’t recommend anywhere in Asia as a long-term destination for BW. They’re okay to visit, but not so great for relocation. Asian countries don’t sound like the sort of places where a sister can build a full and good all-around life for herself. Asian countries are playgrounds for men. Not so much—or not at all—for women. The odds are MUCH higher in Europe for finding a quality husband in addition to employment and education.

        Expect Success!

        • mobile68 says:

          Thank you for the recommendations Khadija.

          I kinda of figured Asia is not good spot to live long-term for BW but good enough to make some cash & keep it moving.

          I thought about Brazil because I think their economy is going to expand quite a bit w/in 5 years but historically they haven’t been to kind to females there. But that spot would be good only temporarily as well.

          Since I’m done with kids & working on divorcing my DBRBM I might just lead a functioning nomadic life for a minute while watching how this global financal mess plays itself out & do a Tina Turner. Live well & don’t look back.

    • Hodan says:

      serioussally says:
      Hodan,

      I used to let guilt about things being selfish, un-islamic, or “anti-black” hold me back. It is what I refer to as my “last hurdle.” It was this blog that helped me overcome that last hurdle and I am just about ready to soar because of it.

      Even the Prophet (pbupahf) tells us that it is BETTER to be alone than to be with evil people. It is evil to abandon your responsibilities. It is evil to suck others dry of their resources and give them nothing but suffering in return. We need to take heed of the Prophet’s words and turn them against folks who would use them to oppress us. Is it not evil to twist the words of God? We have a treasure in this deen and it’s time to “stand up for justice” even if it is “against our own selves.”

      Hodan: well said and I agree with you. Being informed about our deen and actually applying it to our life style is the key. Often than not we have few echo chambers appointed as leaders and deciders who do not serve the interest of women, in this case black women .

      Thanks for your wisdom.

  27. serioussally says:

    BTW here are some great tips from a blog I’ve learned much from
    . It’s cut to the chase, solid advice for moving on. Much like this blog.

    [Khadija speaking: It looks like there's another "missing link" problem going on with your comment. {sigh}]

  28. SeriousSally says:

    Sorry. I have a bad habit of trying to put around links and it seems to make them disappear.

    here it is http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/01/08/5-time-management-tricks-i-learned-from-years-of-hating-tim-ferriss/

    • joyousnerd says:

      Oh dear. I really love Tim Ferriss’ books. I’m sorry to see that author doesn’t. The 4 hour workweek has literally changed my life for the better.

  29. SeriousS says:

    Joyousnerd

    I ignored the criticism of Tim Ferriss and read carefully what she had to say. She has a personal grudge against him, beyond that, they each benefit from her little grudgefest, in that it drives up blog traffic. I’d never heard of him until she mentioned him. In turn, he wrote a very popular post on dealing with “haters” based on the post I linked above. In the end I suspect it’s like those hiphop “beefs” where people make up a grudge to drive up sales. It’s all marketing. There are lessons in *that* too.

    I’m big on taking out the good from what folks offer and leaving the rest. I love Penelope’s blog in general and have gotten some very valuable information (some of which, I’ve been able to monetize), but I leave much more than I take.

    • clarice says:

      The key to success is recognizing what works for you and can benefit your forward path and adding that to your resource base and leaving the rest for someone else who might benefit from that which remains. Not every good thing is good for everyone because we are all at different places in our journey to our specialized destinations.

      Tim Ferriss just published another book dealing with fitness issues and some of the information has been very beneficial. That is one benefit to critical thinking or some like to call it vetting – it works everywhere in every situation. Evaluate what is presented – ask if it fits or serves you truth your goals – does it add value, quality or charm or does it harm? Will it move you forward to your highest best goal? If it does no harm to you but adds no value let it be it is not for you and move – someone somewhere else may need it when they get there.

  30. 2 cents says:

    “in fact I’ve heard ww comment that they don’t date bm – not because they don’t like them – but simply because the way that it looks to others . . . . . . . . that they couldn’t get anyone else.”

    Ali, you’re absolutely right. I am the product of a brief marriage between a middle class white woman and a DBRBM. My white stepfather raised me, and my half (white) sister has the same attitude toward black men. Black men have made it widely known that they are desperate for white women and no one wants to be chosen based on desperation. Being desperate is not a good look for accomplishing ANYTHING; getting a job, getting a loan and especially dating. The day is fast approaching when quality women of ALL races will shun black men. At which point they will either learn to take care of themselves or sink into alcohol, depression, and penury. I’m betting on the latter.

    • joyousnerd says:

      Hi 2 cents!(waving)

      My family situation is similar to yours. My DBRBM father had already married and abandoned a black wife and daughter, and then impregnated and abandoned a German woman before he married my mom. She came from an upper-middle class white family and generally had her act together. What was she thinking? Thankfully my stepfather is a stable and very successful WM who raised me well.

      Well, I have a half brother who is white, and he married a woman who is half black/half white. His opinions on black men are similar to my own, but it hasn’t stopped him from loving black women (every chance he gets SMDH).

      I concur that the desperation is visible and evokes derision from all onlookers. I only wonder when the tide will turn and WW will stop being grist for the mill. The bride-price if you will for BM to bag a WW will soon rise, I predict. WW are not going to want to take the gamble unless the BM in question is bringing a lot to the table.

      Reagarding the cutting off of Dead Enders, I almost had a slip on that front yesterday. In an online conversation about dating WM with an exclusive preference for BW, a simple-minded BW chimed in. She alleged that BM don’t chase WW at all! She was implying that it was all in my head, or that I was heartbroken over my personal inability to find a BM to date. {ROFL! I have zero desire for a BM!} You see, because she knows a whole 3-4 BM who date BW, clearly I must be mistaken *roll eyes*. Gaslighting 101, you don’t see what you are seeing, it’s all in your mind….

      I almost got sucked in, and came dangerously close to typing an encyclopedia brittanica post running down the matter from A-Z… but I caught myself just in time. Instead, I just told her she was either delusional or being deliberately obtuse and moved on. All of that time and energy could be better used elsewhere, rather than conversing with a corpse. “Use your breath to cool your tea” I told myself.

      • 2 cents says:

        Hi Joyous Nerd,
        The explanation that my mom gave me was that she had a rebellious streak and her parents were at that time racist. They have really grown up in that regard, and I never felt a hint of favoritism from my grandparents towards my 100% white siblings and cousins. In any case having a baby to care for while her husband did the typical BM refusing-to-work-while-cheating was a wake-up call for her and she kicked him to the curb.

        Growing up with me has effectively killed any real racism in my mom’s relatives but they have all noted what a deadbeat my dad is and none of them want their daughters dating black men. These days there are enough biracial children (and adults) that have been deserted by their black fathers so that, in areas with large black populations, most white (and Hispanics) know or know of a w/h female who was left holding the bag with a half-black baby. I suppose black men thought desegregation meant they could go to any community all over the world, leave behind a string of broken hearts and abandoned children with absolute impunity because they’d just cry “racism” whenever anyone complained.

        I’m 30 and one of the biggest changes I’ve noticed in the past 5-10 years is how most white people give charges of racism much less weight. Some extremely liberal types in the media or electoral politics care but as I’ve discussed with my sister, mother, and stepfather, most American white people assume that blacks who complain of racism are trying to avoid being criticized for DBR behavior. This is a disaster, in my opinion, because there still is genuine racism (and racists) out there but DBRs and their enablers have made the term “racist” almost meaningless by using it to constantly defend the indefensible.

        As for black men who complain of not being “respected” in white society I simply ask them to name a society where men who disproportionately: commit crimes, live off their women, refuse to marry, make the kind of “messing around” that normal people do in college into a permanent lifestyle, refuse to support and abandon their children are given any respect. Black men seem to think that white baby boys just emerge from the womb and are automatically given masculine respect at birth as though it were a polio vaccine. Every man, no matter what his race, has to prove his manhood by protecting and providing for his family. Black men have this ridiculous sense of entitlement that they, among all the men in the world, should somehow be exempt from this standard. Even a very successful black man like Earl Ofari Hutchinson seems to resent the idea that men who can’t or won’t provide for their families are losers. America’s multiracial society is fed up with making excuses for black men and the black establishment (like Mr. Hutchinson) has no idea what to do about it.

        • Karen says:

          What you have just stated serves as an excellent summary of the new realities.

          With this in mind, Sojourners and Sojourners in making now need to bring 2010 to a close without any more time and energy expended on looking at or discussing the dead.

          They have made their bed and now must lay in it.

          I have no interest in what dead people do…or as Khadija referenced those who choose to “inhale water”.

          Self-reliance, working to build a life/legacy as we progress to our individual goals is what a healthy society respects and supports. I, personally look forward to the change in focus towards discussions that will help us acquire the tools/skills to do just that.

          Dear Khadija,

          Again, thank you for this platform/forum to support all of us in such positive endeavors!

        • Zoopath says:

          *standing ovation* It is indeed unfortunate that genuine accusations of racism will be ignored due to DBR behavior.

  31. halima says:

    I hope I didnt paint a bleak picture. Any bw sojourner will enjoy uk, however those who just want to hang around and cling around black folks, black church, black clubs and etc and never venture beyond black circles will eat stale food, so to say.

    Remember that your accent and manners as US folk will mark you out as exotic so you will have plenty of play, in the same way my british accent and manners (eccentricities lol) will make me sought out to the US male. Keep this in mind and play it for what it is worth on the european shores!

  32. Rhonda says:

    I don’t know if you’ll allow this comment through, so I’ll keep it short. One of the best, I think, actors (regardless of race or gender) out there [today] is Regina King, and she had this message to black women: Date Outside Your Race.

    [Khadija speaking: Yes, I let it through. But at this point, that message is Common Sense 101. And something that the Sojourners already know and are doing. Like I've said earlier, with the New Year I'm going to write for those AA women who get it---the Sojourners. That means:

    (1) No more use of diplomatic euphemisms to accommodate the tender psyches of clueless/stubborn women; and

    (2) No more Common Sense 101 level discussions. I've been thinking about the woman that Evia mentioned who recently emailed her about her experience of being groped (rubbed on the stomach) by one BM out of a bunch of Negroes who were standing in front of the check-cashing joint she went into. And I've been thinking:

    Why should Evia (or anybody else) have to tell that woman to go across town if need be to avoid going into places where BM are standing around loitering?

    Why didn't that woman have the common sense to turn around when she saw the loitering BM, and go to another check-cashing joint? Another check-cashing place that doesn't have BM loitering in front of the door? A friend of mine said that this is because many AA women have normalized being physically attacked by BM. I'm sorry---I'm not trying to be mean, but that whole episode still sounds absolutely brain dead to me.

    To me, this is similar to my final go-round when commenting on WAOD a while back about the need to leave Black residential areas. I realized that any BW who has to be told to leave neighborhoods where she's subject to GREATLY ENHANCED RISK of being robbed, raped and killed----is just too clueless and indoctrinated to survive. A friend refers to this sort of crazy thinking as "inhaling water." I'm realizing that I need to get back to frolicking on my jet ski and let those type of women continue trying to breathe water. And only direct my conversation to the other jet skiers, and folks looking to rent some jet skis.]

    • Brenda55 says:

      Good points. How many more examples does one need. This is a link to an article from my local paper. http://www.philly.com/philly/news/20101228_PHunger29.html?viewAll=y

      What more can be said. These are the places that Women who want a better life need to flee.

      One of the more telling quotes from the article.

      “So many say their lives are day-in, day-out struggles. They feel out of touch with the rest of the city.

      “Philadelphia is a city of towns, and we are in the wrong town – North Philly town,” said the Rev. Luis Cortes, president of Esperanza, a national faith-based, Hispanic organization headquartered on North Fifth Street.

      “We’re an island, disconnected from the rest of the city. That’s because the city has abandoned us.”

      This is exactally what you all have been warning us about.

      • Brenda55,

        Ridiculous. I also noted the abuse of the SSI “crazy money” mentioned in the story (as I had already described in my book):

        Edwin Desamour, executive director of Men in Motion in the Community, a nonprofit in West Kensington that mentors at-risk youths, says he knows a handful of mothers who tell their non-mentally disabled children that they have a mental illness from a young age.

        That way they don’t appear to be faking when they’re examined by doctors who recommend that they get SSI, Desamour said.

        Ridiculous…

        Expect Success!

  33. YMB says:

    Thanks Zoopath and Xai for the well wishes above! My brother is fortunately the only DBRBM who’s had any access to my resources and I’ve only allowed him to leech off of me one time. I’ve really struggled with guilt over the idea of not inviting him to my wedding. My fiance and I have rented a beach house and invited our immediate family members and close friends to come stay with us for the week before our wedding so it’s an even bigger deal than excluding him from a one day event. Last year I would not have even thought it was a possibility for me to eject my brother out of my life but reading Khadijah’s posts and the comments here has helped me a tremendous amount and my thinking has truly evolved on such issues.

    Like other posters have stated, I don’t know how concerned Sojourners need to be about potential stigma attached to biracial children. This is the same stigma already attached to all AA’s under 30 or so at this point. Even if this stigma does become prevalent, I don’t think it will be as severe as it is/will be for fully black children since many whites will still perceive biracials to be “different” and more importantly, since Sojourners are of high caliber themselves and are building stable reciprocal relationships with involved and committed non-black alpha males, it will be clear that their children are in a different class than the abandoned acting-out half-black children of DBR BMs.

    This is off-topic but since tips related to being flawless are always welcome, I have a few things to share about that so I hope this comment will be permitted. As the new year approaches, I am recommitting to become as flawless as possible. I am on vacation this week and every day I’ve devoted time to coming up with at least one new hairstyle because I’m tired of the same ole same ole. I am forcing myself to do workouts that are actually challenging. Several years ago I read about a study where researchers found that taking a break in between two workout sessions increased fat burn:

    To investigate, the researchers had seven healthy men complete one long workout and then two shorter workouts on exercise bicycles, measuring several different indicators of fat metabolism. All exercised at 60 percent of their maximum level of exertion. When the men performed the two shorter exercise sessions, their blood levels of free fatty acids and other substances rose during the rest period, indicating greater fat metabolism. Levels of these substances also were higher during an hour-long rest period after the two-part exercise session.Greater fat metabolism was recorded during each of the rest periods in the two-part session than during the rest period following the single, longer workout.

    The men also showed lower levels of insulin and blood glucose during the second phase of the two-part exercise session. While the proportion of total calories burned did not differ between the two workouts, fat represented nearly 77 percent of the calories burned in the recovery period after the two-part exercise session, compared with about 56 percent of calories burned in the recovery period after the single long exercise session.
    SOURCE: Journal of Applied Physiology, June 2007

    This could yield huge results on its own, but it might be even more effective to combine this rest period with high intensity interval trainingduring the workout periods. I workout on home cardio equipment now but I can’t imagine myself sitting around at the gym for 20 minutes at a stretch. In that environment I would probably take a “rest” by going to do weights for 20 minutes.

    One blog I’ll be following in the coming year for thinspiration is this one from Peter Shankman- PR guru extraordinaire: A Year to Ten Percent. Even though he trained for an successfully completed an Iron Man race this year, he still didn’t see the changes in his body that he desired so in this blog he intends to detail his effort to reshape his physique by reshaping his diet. He is very well-known and connected so I am interested to see who some of his as yet unnamed partners will be.

    This guy might be one of them. He is not the best writer, but he is GREAT eye candy and also an inspiration since who knew that much hotness was buried beneath his previous frumpy self?!

    One more thing, Peter Shankman is also someone worth paying attention to in terms of business endeavors. I heard him speak at an event once and he said that in his early twenties he made enough money selling “It Sank” t-shirts when the Titanic movie came out, that he was able to bankroll his first marketing business, which he later sold for a tidy sum. He has a lot of advice regarding networking, marketing, etc, such as Five Ways Not to Screw Up Your Next Networking Attempt.

    Wishing everyone a happy and fruitful new year!

    • YMB,

      Yes, info about flawlessness is always welcome (regardless of whatever else we’re talking about at the moment).

      Thanks for the info about Peter Shankman and Mr. “Eye Candy” Pinto! Now, that’s the sort of thing that I plan to spend more time talking about! :-)

      Expect Success!

    • joyousnerd says:

      You certainly have my heartfelt thanks and appreciation! Mr. Eye Candy is indeed FINE! I never would have known how hot he could be judging from the “before” shot! I wonder how much hotter I will look when I’m in peak physical condition?

      • JouyousNerd,

        You said, “Mr. Eye Candy is indeed FINE! I never would have known how hot he could be judging from the “before” shot!”

        Yes, indeed! {wink} Mr. Eye Candy is a good example of something that I’ve noticed watching various folks’ transformations into fitter versions of themselves. Mr. Eye Candy was an okay-looking guy “before.” He was not ugly or unattractive “before.”

        However, it’s amazing to see how how handsome and downright foine his face was after he:

        (1) got rid of the excess-weight-created jowls, which had the effect of

        (2) revealing his actual jaw line!

        It’s not just one’s body that transforms as the excess weight comes off, one’s face is also transformed. Revealing previously-covered-in-blubber jawlines usually creates a better-looking version of oneself.

        You said, “I wonder how much hotter I will look when I’m in peak physical condition?”

        Guurl, isn’t that a pleasantly exciting thought?! LOL!

        Expect Success!

        • Stefan Pinto says:

          Um, I’m blushing. And I happen to think I am a damn (damned?) good writer… xoxo – “Mr. Eye Candy”

        • Hi Stefan,

          Ahh, a man who can still blush. {smile} Thanks for stopping by!

          Now that I’m aware of your work, I look forward to checking out your fitness columns and other materials.

          Expect Success!

          • YMB says:

            *shrieks*

            Oh my!

            I apologize for the comment, Stefan. Thanks for being a sport about it. And such fabulous eye candy!

        • Joyousnerd says:

          I’m so very glad you brought up this point Khadija.

          My face has been transformed this past year, not just by weight loss, but by facial exercises. I was looking through some photos, and my face looks now (at 31) much as it did when I was 18. Before I started doing these exercises, my face was not looking cute. It wasn’t just the excess weight, it was the loss of tone in my facial muscles.

          What is in vogue these days is Botox, which paralyzes the facial muscles in hopes of preventing wrinkles. The women who get Botox will sadly end up looking OLDER than their years as the muscles under the skin sag and droop!!!

          I have wanted to tell y’all about this for a while but I haven’t found a relevant topic to bring it up in till now.

          I bought Eva Fraser’s book of facial exercises online, used, for $5. NOTHING I have done has improved my face’s appearance more than doing these exercises. Now my face is more angular and symmetrical. My crow’s feet that I’ve had since 21 are dramatically reduced.

          Seriously, it is such an amazing difference in only a few minutes per day. I slacked off for a while and my face went right back to its unflattering self though. Now I’m back on track and I’m getting the results I love.

          http://www.evafraser.com/

          Look on amazon to find her book for a song.

          • JoyousNerd,

            Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with Eva Fraser’s book. I had always wondered if that sort of thing was actually capable of making a difference. I’m going to buy it after I finish responding to the latest comments here.

            As far as the Botox ultimately causing premature aging of one’s face, I wonder if that’s what went wrong with Vanessa Williams. She looks noticeably older than she should. From what I’ve read, most Black folks have higher collagen levels—which is why it usually takes longer for “Black to crack.”

            Expect Success!

  34. NijaG says:

    Khadija,

    I can’t wait for you to put your spin on the concept of Melina’s blog “The Art of Being Feminine.” Her blog is great and very helpful, but I definitely think adding that black female perspective is very much needed.

    • NijaG,

      Thanks for your support; I truly appreciate it!

      Two main changes that I plan with the blog in 2011:

      (1) No more “Pop Culture Detox” posts. The Sojourners have already detoxed from that madness.

      (2) A new category of posts discussing the use of “Beauty As A Weapon/Instrument of Power.”

      I recently realized something while arguing with various BF fat acceptance dead-enders: Large numbers of AA women have actually made frumpiness part of their identity!

      Now, unless one is relentlessly militant about one’s appearance, most people have gone through (temporary) phases of frumpiness. Due to stress and other distractions from keeping oneself “on point.” However, there’s a big difference between passing through a frumpy phase versus making frumpiness a cornerstone of one’s identity. I believe this is what is underlying the Pro-Frumpiness Jihadis.

      The Pro-Frumpiness Jihadis are putting forth a lot of ideological arguments in an attempt to redefine or change a basic reality: the reality that frumpiness is usually a significant disadvantage in real life—especially for a woman. The Pro-Frumpiness Jihadis can continue hanging out on Fantasy Island if they want to. The rest of us have other things to do.

      Expect Success!

      • Neecy says:

        Shrieking with excitement. Can’t wait for these upcoming blogs K. I love that kind of stuff. WOOT WOOT!!!

      • Oshun/Aphrodite says:

        Clever use of language! LOL

        I am awaiting this as well. Not only do I think that this is apart of their identity, but I think this has seeped outside AA culture – kind of like the mammy stereotype.

        When I first started coming to BWE blogs I posted about a lot of the crazy experiences I was having regarding the reactions to my self care and changes I wanted to make regarding my presentation.

        Now I am thinking the reactions were a part of some BW who have accepted this as a part of their identities and I also think that somehow this has become accepted by “some” others as being a natural part of BWs identities.

        The reactions were so strong that I would wonder how can someone be so upset over something that someone else is doing to themselves? And now looking back all I can see is that they were trying to force me into the predefined “BW is x not y” box.

        • Oshun/Aphrodite,

          As you’ll see, I’ve borrowed and slightly reworked the phrase from another source. I’ll mention that source as part of the “assigned reading” recommended during the first “Beauty As A Weapon” post.

          As far as the Pro-Frumpiness Jihadis, yes—they were trying to force you into their frumpy box. If more AA women get themselves on point, then the Frumpies start to stand out in a bad way. Many of the Frumpies want the rest of us to serve as camoflage for them.

          [Sort of the way I used an overweight classmate as camoflage during Jazz Dance class in high school. It would always take me longer than anybody else in the class to learn specific dance steps in a specific sequence. So, I would try to make sure that I was in the row behind and directly behind that overweight girl whenever the class was being taught a new dance routine for the first time. That girl helped block the teacher's view of me and my "still trying to figure this out" missteps.

          {ahh, the days of Capezios, unitards, and leg warmers...chuckling}]

          Expect Success!

          • KM says:

            I never saw it that way! No wonder, they don’t want AA women not to be frumpy. Then, you have the unfrumpy AA women who want to be the only ones who stand out too.

            As a way to continue to become flawless, I went and bought a nice color of lipstick (a warm brownish wine for daytime), some more mascara, and some earrings this week as well as much needed new jeans and a sweater (I work with children so I need clothes that I can stand getting dirty).

            I’ve decided that every day, I will wear mascara, lipstick/lipgloss and blush and/or eyeliner, no matter where I’m going. This way, I will always be putting my best face forward and looking good for whatever good that will come towards me. I’ve noticed that women who are well put together tend to get the best in life.

            And I’m going back to school. For my M.A.

          • KM,

            Good for you! After the “Flawless” post at the previous blog, I decided to never again leave the house without wearing (mineral) foundation. [Among other changes I've gradually worked into my daily routine.]

            Expect Success!

      • Zoopath says:

        Lol @ “Pro-Frumpiness Jihadis” Oh no you didn’t. You are really going to get some pushback and backbiting if you attack the sacred principle of some how being exempt from being judged on your personal appearance. I can almost hear the nonsense already. Strangely enough I’ve noticed that people who are not attractive (either via weight or grooming) somehow think that they are entitiled to an attractive mate. Somehow this attractive person is supposed to care enough about themselves to maintain their appearance yet at the same time he or she is not so “superficial” so as to require the same in a partner. It’s a baffling inconsistency in thought and makes me want to smack people whenever I hear it.

        • Zoopath,

          You said, “Lol @ “Pro-Frumpiness Jihadis” Oh no you didn’t. You are really going to get some pushback and backbiting if you attack the sacred principle of some how being exempt from being judged on your personal appearance. I can almost hear the nonsense already.”

          {chuckling} Oh yes, I did! I intend to speak some more to the realities of a competitive world. {more chuckling} And I don’t care if the Pro-Frumpiness Jihadis get angry. To paraphrase the Quran, they can bite off the tips of their fingers and perish in their rage for all I care. I’ll note that—through their bad faith actions—these chicks have changed my feelings about them.

          After watching some of their backbiting and backstabbing behaviors toward the very few people (mostly BWE bloggers) online who have some genuine compassion and concern for them . . . BUMP THEM AND THEIR PLIGHT!

          Like I said during a recent comment over at Halima’s house, these backbiting colored girls are so quick to get offended by another BW who is actually helping them, but meanwhile they take BM’s malicious garbage-advice with a smile.

          For one ridiculous example, these backbiting chicks never seem to work up one-eighth of their outrage for what Steve Harvey is peddling to BW as they do about something any BWE blogger says.

          Let the dead bury the dead. The rest of us need to cut the various types of BF Dead Enders loose.

          Expect Success!

          • mobile68 says:

            Khadija said:
            Like I said during a recent comment over at Halima’s house, these backbiting colored girls are so quick to get offended by another BW who is actually helping them, but meanwhile they take BM’s malicious garbage-advice with a smile.

            For one ridiculous example, these backbiting chicks never seem to work up one-eighth of their outrage for what Steve Harvey is peddling to BW as they do about something any BWE blogger says.

            True that true that!

            Also you betta not talk about their pastor, bishop, Jesus (cause he will always provide) or R. Kelly either. Gurl what’s wrong w/ you? LOL.

            This why as of this week I do not have anymore friends. I can’t keep rolling w/ that type of madness. I let those “friendships” expire like coupons I didn’t get a chance to use. Obviously I must didn’t need them.

            I was told this week that I must think that I’m white for liking Prosciutto ham. And the kicker is this woman has a WM who has strong DBR tendencies. Not that WM are beyond DBR behavior.

            In another incident my soon-to be-ex told me that he was told by a BW coworker that he must have a white wife because we grow & eat eggplant & zucchini. Really?

            Even as I was talking w/ my 17 y.o. daughter today, I did not realize how her & her friends have gotten so fed up w/ the madness that they are seeing inside of their school & BC.

            One of the things she told me was how the girls feel like they have to put up with stuff to keep a BM boy. She told me this because she & her friend thought that they were crazy for thinking otherwise.

            We live in a pretty decent middle class neighborhood, where the houses are well kept, but I guess unfortunately that doesn’t guarantee decent people inhabiting these type of neighborhoods.

            I gave her your book to read while she is on break. And I’m going to try & get her friend & my niece to read it as well. And I will be fully living the positive examples all you ladies are giving to show my daughter, her friends & my nieces that there is a better way. Hopefully it catches on.

            This passing down of DBR & Ikette behavior has got to stop at some point.

          • Mobile68,

            Lord have mercy. {shaking my head}

            One thought in response to what you described:

            With some of these ex-friends, it might be best to NOT abruptly drop them. Them kind of peeps tend to want to retaliate if they see that they’re being suddenly dropped like a turd. It’s often better to gradually fade away from such folks.

            However, YOU know best about your own situation.

            Expect Success!

      • I’m currently in a frumpy phase. I’m almost six months pregnant and see no point in investing a huge amount of money on maternity clothes. It frustrates me to no end that the only decent maternity clothes cost a fortune, and being that I’m at home I don’t see the point. So I bought most of my maternity stuff at Target.

        But, and here’s the important thing, I’m already collecting magazine articles and the like about getting my figure back quickly and strategizing on my new look for the summer. I’m carefully watching my weight gain and though I’m on bedrest now, I exercised (just walking) to keep from gaining so much weight. At my age I just can’t afford to let my looks go. As my friend Monica says, I have to “be more vain,” and have more pride and self respect. Further, real talk, I’ve got a handsome husband who makes a good living and takes darned good care of me and my children. Trust, I’m not the only who has noticed that. He deserves a wife who keeps herself up.

        I think one of the points the Frumpilistas make is that “looks don’t matter, it’s the inside that counts.” Well, that might be true on Fantasy Island, but in the real world, looks most assuredly count. I watch a show called What Not To Wear religiously, and these women who dress horribly use that as their mantra. It’s absolute nonsense of course, and an excuse to walk around looking, as my mama would say, “Like you ain’t got no people.” Well, I have people, and the only way to get AND KEEP people is to look like someone people want to be around.

        On the show they always demonstrate how it’s just as easy to put on a nice pair of trousers, or a pair of dark wash jeans and a cute top as it is to put on sweats and a t-shirt. I don’t own any sweats. According to my husband, people who go around in sweats have essentially just given up. I’m too young and cute to give up, besides I have no intention of looking like my children’s grandmother!

        • Roslyn,

          Like I said, most people pass through frumpy phases for a variety of reasons. The point is that they don’t make frumpiness part of their identity; and they don’t plan on staying frumpy forever.

          You said, “As my friend Monica says, I have to “be more vain,” and have more pride and self respect. Further, real talk, I’ve got a handsome husband who makes a good living and takes darned good care of me and my children. Trust, I’m not the only who has noticed that. He deserves a wife who keeps herself up.”

          Your friend and your “real talk” point are absolutely correct. Quiet as its kept, whenever a woman has a quality husband, there are always other women who are looking to replace her. Why would any woman give those heifers any help with that?

          Expect Success!

        • joyousnerd says:

          Hi Roslyn!

          You make great points here. During my third pregnancy I followed a diabetic diet. The baby came out just perfect, at the ideal weight, and I actually LOST weight over the course of the pregnancy.

          I don’t know the specifics of your case and of course can’t give medical advice. But if you want to avoid gaining too much, a diabetic diet will allow the baby to grow, but keep you from growing too much!

          ITA with your comments about dressing nicely. It takes exactly the same amount of time to put on something pretty as it does to put on something frumpy.

          I find that chucking out the stained up or ill-fitting clothing asap keeps me from putting it on. I have ONE stained up T-shirt for when I color my hair (with henna and indigo) and every other garment is cute. If I would be ashamed to give it to the Goodwill because it’s so stained or raggedy, it has no business in my closet.

        • foreverloyal says:

          oh Roslyn, you’ve just inspired a post! I wholeheartedly agree!

          I remember having a “narrow miss” while out to dinner with dh and unexpectedly ran into a business associat of his. Luckily, that night I was nicely dressed in flattering clothes, light makeup, wearing a new jacket that fit and flattered.
          If we’d run into him just the previous week, I would have been mortified. A husband/wife pair is a team and it’s only right that each one be a positive reflection on the other.

  35. joyousnerd says:

    Oooh. I am really looking forward to the Beauty as a Weapon posts! Now that’s what I’m talking ’bout!

    I was SO embarrassed to see Stephan overheard us! Ah well, that’s the price he pays for those abs!

  36. Faith Dow says:

    Looking forward to the new posts in 2011 as well! I think those of us moving forward need to be preparing ourselves to be with men like Peter Shankman (who sold HARO Help A Reporter Out and is very well-respected in social media/PR/marketing circles), Tim Ferriss and a host of other “alpha males” who are charting new territories and blazing trails before they settle down. Provided they’re worthy of course – but you know what I mean.

  37. Karen says:

    JN,

    Thank you for the tip about Eva Fraser, I just purchased the book *smile*!

    • joyousnerd says:

      You are quite welcome! If it helps you half as much as it helped me you should be very pleased.

      I was shocked when I first started to see that my facial muscles were really weak, and one side of my face was far stronger than the other was. With practice they evened out in strength and my face began to look more symmetrical. Not that I was so ugly before, I always did alright with the men of every race :) . But now I look way better. :D

      Symmetry is the CORE of beauty! No matter what else you have going on, symmetry= beauty. Universally, more symmetrical people are perceived as more beautiful, and as we know, the more beautiful you are, the more *powerful* you are!

      Not only will the face be more symmetrical, but also the cheekbones will appear fuller and dark circles under the eyes will diminish. Naso-labial folds (laugh lines) reduce too. I didn’t have super deep laugh lines, but now I have NO laugh lines.

      I’m so glad I started doing these exercises. It was a BW from the UK who put me up on it. I had thought she just had good genes, but my face is starting to look more like hers every day with the facial exercises.

      Eva’s website is UK based, so Amazon is a better bet for us stateside girls to get her book. The one I have is called “Eva Fraser’s Facial Workout” and then yesterday I bought her Face and Body workout.

  38. Evelyn says:

    I can’t WAIT for where the blog is headed in 2011!! As Faith mentioned, I’d love to start learning how to position myself to snag me a top-quality man, as well as start dipping my toes into the global pond. And as an aside, happy New Year in advance to everyone!

  39. SS says:

    Add me to the list of people that can’t wait for the Beauty posts.

  40. KimP says:

    I’m excited that the ship is setting sail for high sea! I can’t wait for the new angle your posts will take on in the new year, Khadija!

  41. Ali says:

    Khadija, the ‘beauty as a weapon posts’ – are being early anticipated by everyone, including me. After rebelling against this idea all throughout high school and much of college and making a fool of myself, this is something I came to (quietly) believe and use past years, but of course it’s a taboo to admit it nowadays to women, and esp. black women – when looks aren’t supposed to matter. I hope it goes beyond just weight loss, into other areas as well.

    I’d like to hear your views on creating your personal ‘look’ or ‘signature’ – whether it’s ‘bohemian chick’ or ‘uptown sophisticate’ or ‘girl-next-door’ beauty – and sticking to it. As funny as it seems, when that clicked for me, it was easier than reinventing the wheel, every time I went shopping/got dressed.

    Check out the pictures of women all over the world on this site to see how many diff. WAYS there are to look ‘flawless’:

    http://thesartorialist.blogspot.com/

    What’s also interesting is how you might have to change your behavior as you change and the way people react to you changes.

    Check you this ‘Adonis Index” podcast – I stumbled upon these podcasts through the Venus Index you mentioned before. It’s for men, but the general idea applies to women as well:

    http://www.adonisindex.com/changing-your-look-changes-your-game/

    And finally thank you Joyous Nerd, for the facial exercises link – I always wondered about this. You can def. have an ‘on point’ body and a sagging or overly plump/round face

  42. MsMellody says:

    So as to ring in the New Year. I want to add this to the Beauty talk. My experience with the “Clarisonic Skin Care Brush” has been absolutely FAB – U – LOUS!!!!

    It is worth the money ladies. PAY THE $195.00 at Amazon, Drugstore.com or Sephora etc..and use the skin cleanser that you have found that works for you ( mine has always been the Olay cleanser of choice) and your skin in a few months will be glowing clear, softer the whole nine yards!!

    I have used this item for the last 3-4 years…and the other nite at the family function I truly noticed the difference in my skin and the skin of a female relative who I know cannot afford such an item. I even made a mental note that this little thing was something I purchased once I got married – because the husband made it possible for me to be free of certain financial constraints. So that too is one of the benefits of being with an QLL male, one that cares about me, cares that I feel feminine and pampered..one who only cares if I am happy and feel good about my presentation and myself!!

  43. YMB says:

    I’m looking forward to the new direction as well!

    Thanks for the book recommendation, Joyousnerd! I hope you get your book out next year because I am looking for some solid advice on getting my hair to the next level!

    Roslyn, congrats on the baby! I haven’t had to use this product and I don’t know anyone that has, but I came across the Belly Bandit on Target’s website a while back and it seems pretty well reviewed. The Belly Band is a wrap that compresses your abdomen after you give birth and helps it shrink back down.

    It’s also available through Amazon but if you have AAA, you can login to their website and get 10% off all Target.com purchases. At least this used to be the case for years. I discontinued my AAA membership so I can’t log into their website to check. You go into the member discounts area.

    I’ve had a problem with post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation- those dark spots left behind by zits- off and on since puberty and I’ve found a few tricks for dealing with them. One way is to go to a dermatologist and get a prescription for Tri-luma, which has worked for me in the past. However, my skin looked the best it’s ever looked when I was dabbing Black Opal Dual Complex Fade Gel on my spots twice a day with a q-tip I had removed most of the cotton from, and using a glycolic acid peel from Neutrogena every other day. People were just amazed at how great my skin looked.

    Unfortunately, Neutrogena discontinued the Advanced Solutions peel I was using but the Brazilian Peel might be a suitable replacement, much more expensive though. I haven’t tried it yet, though. I linked to Amazon for the fade gel but most drug stores that carry “ethnic” products will have it.

  44. My goodness, due to audience interest, I’ll start the New Year with the first Beauty As A Weapon post. It’ll be up tomorrow! :-)
    _____________________________

    Ali,

    You said, “What’s also interesting is how you might have to change your behavior as you change and the way people react to you changes.”

    Check you this ‘Adonis Index” podcast – I stumbled upon these podcasts through the Venus Index you mentioned before. It’s for men, but the general idea applies to women as well…”

    Ali, you’ve jumped ahead to one of the things (and some of the source materials—chuckling) I had planned to mention in the first Beauty As A Weapon post:

    Ladies, you increase your overall status as you increase your external beauty. And there’s a corresponding need to recalibrate one’s behavior as you make your physical transformation and move up the social “food chain.”

    As the Adonis Index guys point out to the men, behaviors and mannerisms that might have been endearing when a person is lower down on the food chain can register quite differently (and negatively) as they move up the food chain. This reality is quite contrary to some of the (idiotic) cultural slogans that many AAs like to say, such as “Don’t ever change…” Meanwhile, in the real world, as you change (improve) your exterior circumstances, other people automatically start changing their perception of you. And so, some of your outer behavior needs to change as well.

    Let’s hold these thoughts for tomorrow’s post!

    Expect Success!

  45. JJ says:

    Beauty as a weapon? You bet it is! I’ll have something to say on this topic.

    As for the whole biracial kids clogging the system and becoming a caste of undesirables….it’s true and has happened in Canada as well. I’ll speak for the Western Provinces.

    It became an issue in the 80′s when the Islanders (Jamaicans in particular) and came en masse and started impregnating white women at a furious pace. Most of these WW were low class: prostitutes, club skanks, after hours lizards or just very young.

    They gave many of these kids up or the children were apprehended.

    For the first time, Social Services had all these little mixed kids for which they had no response strategy for. A government official contacted my father- who was a leader in the black community-to see if the BC didn’t have some sort of internal adoption or foster care system in place like the Aboriginal community did.

    Of course we didn’t…there was never this need before. Prior to the Islanders’ arrival, the BC consisted of AA’s and the mothers, aunties and grandmothers certainly did take in ‘outside children’ as there was a stigma of shame attached to having kids outside the family system. (Yes, another example of BW cleaning up after DBRBM, fo’ sho!)

    But the Islanders were a new breed entirely and we didn’t mix with them all that much. Found them to be too rude, aggressive and disrespectful.

    So there was no process to absorb all their newly minted halfies.

    These kids languished in Social Services, a few were adopted, but the rate of their creation and abandonment was too much and STILL is too much to this day for the system.

    There is a definite perception that half kids are the result of these useless fornications here in the Western Provinces.

    In fact, my daughter was asked the other day, “Are you half Jamaican?” meaning “is your father a shiftless Jamaican and your mother a low class white woman?”

    She bucked at this! Because my kids are well versed in our AA history and traditional culture, she was able to debunk this categorization and explain who she REALLY is. The person listened wide-eyed and apologized for her faulty assumption. The way she apologized DEFINITELY indicated she had seen my daughter as a damaged mixed kid and she spoke to my daughter in an entirely different way after hearing my daughter’s eloquent, pride-filled response.

    BW/WM marriages are VERY common here. But so is the mixed-kids-bottom-caste as I’ve shared.

    The solution is for BW to raise their mixed kids with pride, cultural identity, historical understanding and a high self esteem.

    Folks will see the difference REAL QUICK and back track off of labeling them like that.

    ps. for the record, my daughter is not half, both my husband and I are that typical AA mix of African, white and American Indian.

    So ya….

    • JJ,

      You said, “As for the whole biracial kids clogging the system and becoming a caste of undesirables….it’s true and has happened in Canada as well. I’ll speak for the Western Provinces….These kids languished in Social Services, a few were adopted, but the rate of their creation and abandonment was too much and STILL is too much to this day for the system.

      There is a definite perception that half kids are the result of these useless fornications here in the Western Provinces.”

      Hmmm…so it only took West Indian-Canadian BM around 25 years to create that particular social disaster…wow. That didn’t take long at all. “Useless fornications” is a good way to put it—all they’re doing is creating a drag on Canadian society. As global economic problems continue, I would imagine that there’ll be less and less tolerance for the BM who create those sorts of messes.

      You said, “BW/WM marriages are VERY common here. But so is the mixed-kids-bottom-caste as I’ve shared.

      The solution is for BW to raise their mixed kids with pride, cultural identity, historical understanding and a high self esteem.

      Folks will see the difference REAL QUICK and back track off of labeling them like that.”

      ITA!

      Expect Success!

  46. EclecticPearl says:

    I am also looking forward to the beauty blog.

    In moving forward in our relationships with non-bm, will you make blog topics about BW dealing with relatives/friends of their significant other who oppose the relationship? I’m sorry if you have already discussed this (I am still catching up on your previous entries). I think it’s reasonable, that as sojourners, we should discuss possible challenges that may occur that may threaten the relationship.

    Here’s to a healthy, happier and prosperous year in all our endeavours!

    • EclecticPearl,

      You said, “In moving forward in our relationships with non-bm, will you make blog topics about BW dealing with relatives/friends of their significant other who oppose the relationship? I’m sorry if you have already discussed this (I am still catching up on your previous entries).”

      No, I haven’t discussed that topic. I only write posts when I have something that I feel moved to say (about a topic). And only when I feel moved to say it. So far, I haven’t felt the urge to say anything about that particular topic—if that changes, then I’ll be sure to write about it. :-)

      Expect Success!

  47. Everybody,

    I think we’ve covered all the angles (and then some) with this topic, so I’m closing the comments to this post. I’ll see you next year! :-)

    Happy and Prosperous New Year to All!