As A Quality Lady Would Think, Part 2: A Lady Does Not Rally Around Criminals And Deviants

This is a follow-up to Part 1 of this series, and the ideas discussed during the Joining Better Networks series of posts.

WHEN YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE DOING SOMETHING, THAT’S A CLUE THAT WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING IS NOT A GOOD IDEA

Here and at the previous blog, we’ve discussed a number of self-defeating behaviors that only African-American women engage in on a mass level:

African-American women are alone on this planet in making loud, public announcements that they would never date or marry outside their race. This is usually said to emphasize the point that they would never date or marry White men. Nobody else is making these sorts of public statements. Certainly not Black men. And also not other women of color, including Arab women (many of whose men are actively at war with the White West). Including Black women from other countries. Everybody except African-American women keeps their dating and marriage options open.

African-American women are alone on this planet in characterizing all romantic interest from men outside their racial group as a negative “fetish.” As I said during this post,

Faith, blog host of Acts Of Faith In Love And Life, is currently having an extremely important conversation. She’s raising points that need to be repeated among African-American women and girls who want to live well. And among those African-American women who want to maximize the odds of their future children living well. She asks the question, Are Asian Woman Trophy Wives, Or Just Smart At Picking Quality Husbands?

I would answer “both.” Yes, non-Asian men have stereotypes about Asian women. However, Asian women are shrewd enough to work those stereotypes to their individual (and indirectly to their collective) advantage! This is a lesson that more African-American women need to learn. We’re so preoccupied with issues of political correctness that we cut our own throats in terms of maximizing our marriage options. Nobody else operates like this. Certainly not Black men, including the many Pan-African Black male activists who talked “Black” this and that, and married White women. Including that scholar-hero of the ultra-Black, “Blacker than thou” crowd,

Cheikh Anta Diop (yep the very one considered one of the greatest African historians of the 20th century a senegalese) married Louise Marie Maes, a French woman in 1953 in Paris.

Many African-American women worry about nonblack men having a so-called “fetish” with the traits that these men find attractive. Let’s think about this for a moment. We’re actually bothered and offended when a nonblack man finds our West African-derived skin tones, features, and hair textures attractive. Why is it called a “fetish” if a nonblack man is able to appreciate Black women’s beauty? Meanwhile, we live among a collective of African-American men who are open about their hatred of those same West African complexions, features and hair textures in women! [See statements by creatures such as Yung Berg, NeYo, and so on. See statements and actions by countless other African-American men.]

And instead of calling these Black men the anti-Black racists that they are, we water down the language we use to describe what these racist Black males refer to as their “preferences.” So, there’s a post that asks, Does Hip Hop Like Light Skinned Girls Too Much? I need not say much more about how that question is being framed. It’s sort of like asking, “Does the Klan like white sheets and hoods too much?” In both cases, phrasing the question and the so-called “preference” that way deliberately misses the point.

Back to “fetishes.” Does it still count as a so-called “fetish” when the nonblack man is willing and eager to make a particular Black woman his wife first, and then the mother of his children? This type of “fetish” seems so much more respectful of the woman involved than a male who never offers marriage, and is willing to see his children by that woman born out of wedlock.

Instead of screening, dating, and possibly marrying nonblack men who might have a so-called “fetish” about their undiluted West African features that operates FOR them, many African-American women restrict themselves to dating Black men who have openly-declared fetishes that operate AGAINST them. How crazy is that?

African-American women are alone on this planet in being front and center with aggressively rallying around criminals and deviants. No other type of woman puts herself on the front lines of loudly screaming in support of criminals and deviants (grifters, chiselers, and scavengers). Criminals and deviants from other ethnic groups have women in their lives. The Italian and Russian mafia men have women in their lives. But you don’t see the Italian or Russian women who are hooked up to these criminals on TV or writing articles talking about how So & So The Mob Enforcer was sentenced to “too much” time in prison. You don’t see Latino drug lords’ women publicly screaming in support of their vicious, violent crimes. You don’t see the girlfriends and wives of Chinese-American Triad members on TV complaining about law enforcement. You certainly don’t see decent, law-abiding women from these other ethnic groups screaming in support of the vicious, depraved criminals who happen to share their ethnicity.

Finally, you also don’t see the nonblack women who are hooked up to Black men engaged in that type of Sister Soldiering. Not even on behalf of their own Black baby daddies or husbands. Not Prof. Henry Gates’ White wife. Not Van Jones’ White wife. And so on.

When you’re the only one doing something, that’s usually a hint that whatever you’re doing is a bad idea. African-American women’s programmed behavior pattern of publicly cheerleading criminals and deviants is a self-defeating pattern. One that will prevent many of them from ever being accepted into healthier, reciprocating, non-African-American social circles.

SISTER SOLDIER BRAINWASHING IS AT THE ROOT OF THIS KNEE-JERK RESPONSE OF SUPPORTING CRIMINALS AND DEVIANTS. IF YOU WANT A GOOD LIFE, YOU’LL NEED TO BREAK FREE OF THAT BRAINWASHING.

I understand the historical origins of this dysfunctional behavior pattern. It arose during the era of segregation and lynching. However, you need to understand that it’s a new day. The greatest (and most probable) physical threats to your life and your children’s lives are not coming from White segregationists these days. The greatest physical danger to your life is coming from mostly-fatherless African-American male criminals (with the support of their Black female enablers).

Modern African-American criminal defendants are not Rosa Parks or Emmett Till. Instead, they’re more likely to be like the demons in the Dunbar Village Atrocity (during which a pack of fatherless Black males gang raped a mother and forced her to perform oral sex on her own son). They’re more likely to be like the Black female neighbor of the Dunbar Village victims who reacted with indifference when told about that crime against humanity. Stop superimposing Rosa Parks’ and Emmett Till’s faces on the face of every modern day Black criminal defendant that you see. You’re insulting their memories when you do that.

ADDENDUM

Please note that this warning to stop rallying around criminals and deviants also applies to rallying around deviant Black women who are grifters, chiselers, and scavengers. That means to also stop rallying around Baby Factory Black Female Welfare Queens. You don’t see large numbers of women from other ethnic groups cheerleading the deviant “Octomom” types that are among their group.

A reader named Karen said the following,

Dear Khadija,

I commend you for taking the time to point out once again what is common sense to every other group of women. It cannot be underestimated the damage that brainwashing (i.e. “Sister Soldiering”) has done to AA BW. At the same time, I find it very sad and tragic.

The only real solution I can see to this is for conscious steps on an individual basis be taken to “de-program” through exposure to more healthy environments, seeking professional help where possible and disassociating from toxic people (along with many of the actionable items you have provided at this blog and your previous one).

Our “Mis-leaders” survive and thrive on the minds, bodies, labor and money from Sister Soldiers. Without them, they would cease to exist and THEY.KNOW.THIS.

AA BW have their destiny in the palm of their hands. I wish we as AA BW would use the courage that we have to fight everyone else’s causes to instead take that energy to save ourselves because frankly:
NO.ONE.ELSE.IS.GOING.TO.SAVE.US.

She’s right. You mark yourself as an undesirable when you rally around criminals and deviants. If you want to be welcome among productive, reciprocating social networks in the global village, you’ll stop rallying around criminals and grifters.

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66 Responses to “As A Quality Lady Would Think, Part 2: A Lady Does Not Rally Around Criminals And Deviants”

  1. Karen R. says:

    Wow!!! You said a mouthful when you said:

    “Finally, you also don’t see the nonblack women who are hooked up to Black men engaged in that type of Sista Soldiering. Not even on behalf of their own Black baby daddies or husbands. Not Prof. Henry Gates’ White wife. Not Van Jones’ White wife. And so on.”

    PREACH!!! And let the church say “AMEN!!!” That’s an altar call comment, FOR REAL!!!!

    The crazy thing is that these BM share their wealth with these women, and provide comfortable lifestyles for them and their children and yet when things go sideways as they did in the case of Skip (ugh) Gates, all of a sudden they align themselves with the “black community” and expect BW to rally to their defense and aid. Gates’ behavior is particularly appalling in that he is soooo eager to say “I’m 90% white” or whatever statistic he uses. He is always trying to “other” himself and prove he is “a different cut”, yet his true colors came blazing through when he got CLOWNED in his own home by the police. We saw the same behavior with the degenerate OJ Simpson.

    The phenomenon of “I’m different/special, so don’t treat me like the rest of ‘dem” is always slightly amusing to me.

    Although I am no fan of Tiger Woods, I appreciate the fact that when his scandalous behavior became public, he didn’t expect the “community” to rally behind him nor did he try and use the race card. He knew he messed* up (to put it mildly as ladies don’t curse) and took his lumps.

    GREAT SERIES.

  2. pat says:

    Things are definitely changing. MOST black women that I encounter NOW say that they would and actually WANT to date white men. I was watching VHI on Sunday (yeah, I know, but it is a guilty pleasure) AND #1–Basketball wives—the women were discussing dating white men. The so called “wives” who are now single/divorced are taking a trip to Spain next week and the previews showed them socializing heavily with the Spanish men. They very much have a “what is good for the goose is good for the gander mentality”. These chicks are attractive and they dont seem to be sweating the brothers. #2–What Chilli wants–Chilli of TLC is looking for a husband and she is only dating white guys. Her match maker told her that she does not like the brothers anymore and that she could only deal with a MANDINGO. Chilli got back with her though. see the website to see the guy:
    http://blog.vh1.com/2011-01-30/what-chilli-wants-recap-episode-5-spicy-chilli/

    #3—Brandi’s reality show—Brandi was talking to her girlfriend about men and her girlfriend told her that she needs to step to the other side with white guys. They had a gay black male with them and he had the nerve to say that white men think that ugly black women are beautiful. But anyway Brandi’s response was that she would love to do the swirl.

    Now these are three shows that came on last Sunday back to back on VHI. This is large black female viewership. These are pop icons pretty much telling sisters to date out. So things are actually changing. Both Raven Simone and Chilli showed up to the SOUL TRAIN AWARDS with white men:

    http://s1.zetaboards.com/Express_Yourself/topic/3926794/1/

    So even a lot of Sister Soldiers are changing….Some women just want a black man. They are not my focus—just the sisters who want a better life for themselves and they are becoming more and more. I dont stress about the others…

    • Neecy says:

      Pat I never watch the Chilli show but i must say she looks so amazing and 40 is doing her VERRY well. She still has such beautiful clear skin like she did in her 20’s.

  3. Miss Andi K. says:

    This post made me smile. I am of being lambasted, tarred and feathered whenever I refuse to rally behind Black men who are dead wrong. How interesting that you pointed out the lack of public outcry of the gangsta molls of ‘others’. Hell, even J. Lo knew better than to rally behind Diddy when he got into trouble for his BS.

    It has become an unfortunate point of contention in the Black community. People have got to wake up! Anytime I hear people blindly rallying, I always ask them, “do you think that so and so would do the same for you?” The answer is inherent.

    Finally, I appreciated what you said about intentionally choosing social networks. Being deliberate with one’s social interactions catches a bad rap. I chose the school(s), organizations, and even places of worship I’ve chosen intentionally because of the social value of the people that are part of these communities. I know that I have a lot to offer, and want to surround myselfwith those who are just as socially valuable. Great post!

  4. KarenR.,

    Thank you for your kind words about the post and series; I truly appreciate it. The thing is that other types of women have never been brainwashed into Sista Soldiering (= fighting men’s battles). So these other women WON’T do that—not even on behalf of their own husbands. And I don’t blame them, because it’s not a woman’s role to fight men’s battles.

    About Tigger Woods (deliberate spelling): What you mentioned is the only thing I can respect about him. In his time of trouble, he stayed true to his “don’t you dare call me Black” madness.

    Unlike most similarly-situated slaves who are only “post-racial” while things are going well, he stayed “post-racial” even after being attacked by his White folks. He wasn’t a hypocrite who came crawling back to the bc (read: the BW who are the majority footsoldiers for protest marches, etc.) for help after his White folks turned on him. I appreciate that. May Tigger Woods continue to stay far away from the rest of us. Amen.
    ________________________________________________

    Pat,

    Praise God that things are changing, and AA women are finally starting to wake up!
    ________________________________________________

    MissAndiK.,

    Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “How interesting that you pointed out the lack of public outcry of the gangsta molls of ‘others’. Hell, even J. Lo knew better than to rally behind Diddy when he got into trouble for his BS.”

    That’s right! And that angle is something that I hope more AA women will ponder: When AA women rally around criminals and deviants, they’re engaging in behavior that even the gutter, gangsta/gun molls from other ethnic groups WON’T engage in!

    That’s something to take a step back and reflect on…

    Now, that’s on the scumbag/gun moll level. Let’s take it up out of the gutter and reflect on the behavior patterns of everyday normal women from other ethnic groups: A normal woman—much less a classy, quality woman—does NOT attach her name to any kind of scandal! AA women have been brainwashed to be so far out of touch with normal female behavior patterns that we don’t even notice this overall pattern with every other type of woman.

    Expect Success!

  5. Neecy says:

    You know I never really paid attention to the fact that the WW that so many high profile BM marry and date are always quiet when the fit hits the shan. Then as BWE bloggers started pointing this out I said OMG they are so right! These WW who are married to the BM who come against “racial injustices” are always quiet. they are not out rallying the troops to save “thier Black King”. And that is b/c every race of woman is expected to enjoy the benefits of being a woman and not having to fight a mans battles. The Black community sits and looks sideways at a BW that refuses to jump up and start freedom fighting for a “brotha”. Not moi. The minute those convos start coming up about how such and such BM is being railroaded by the man yada yada I stay QUIET. I have nothing to say. BM can fight their own battles as far as I am concerned.

    And I laugh out loud everytime I hear that saying “WHEN YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE DOING SOMETHING, THAT’S A CLUE THAT WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING IS NOT A GOOD IDEA” b/c its so true.

    Also BW need to beware of taking advice from other women (non Black) who tell them to do one thing yet these women are doing a different thing. That goes back to that whole if you are the only one doing something its probably not a good idea. The best example of this is the whole fat acceptance mantra in the last decade or so that the media and Non Black women try to tell & encourage BW to “embrace your curves”. What they are really saying is “embrace your fatness Black women b/c it keeps you out of the competition”. LOL Back in the day i would say ok b/c everyone seemed to be aware of the difference between curves and fat. nowadays its not the case and they are trying to use the positive wording of “curves” to trick BW into thinking that any kind of extra weight is fine. its not. Stop being bamboozled and Wake up sisters. They are telling you basically to stay FAT. I notice the same women always saying this to BW are usually fit and healthy.

    Now before anyone gets up in arms I am not saying that BW should not embrace their CURVES if that is what they truly are. And yes BW when fit and healthy do have nice curves.

    • T says:

      And, for the love of everything good and right, STOP with the slogans already!! The “fat is where it’s at” and “skinny women are evil” mantras are excuses, and as we know, excuses (and the reasons for them) do not matter. What the BW who espouse this mess are saying is “physical and emotional illness is OK with me.”
      +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

      [Khadija speaking: What does this have to do with “A Lady Does Not Rally Around Criminals And Deviants”? I’m going to delete all additional off-topic comments.]

  6. I’ve watched with interest the situation that’s going on in Egypt these past few days. I think it’s interesting that today is the first day I’ve seen a significant number of women in the protests. When it first started there was a lot of violence from the police and quite a few people were hurt/killed. Now apparently the military has replaced the police and the violence has stopped. Compare and contrast that with the CRM and all the video footage of black women been attacked by dogs and bowled over with fire hoses. (And that’s only what went on in public. I shudder to think about what went on behind closed doors.)

    As for building stronger networks, I can’t emphasize the importance of doing that. I’m a notorious introvert and don’t care to socialize at all, but I force myself to participate in school and church functions in my area for the express purpose of building networks. I might be paranoid but I believe that there will come a time that those networks may well save my life. I can’t help but remember those people trying to cross the bridge after Katrina and being held back by gunfire, it is only through having a connection with the people in my community that I stand a chance of not being “katrina-ed.”

    • Oshun/Aphrodite says:

      I noticed that too. There were no women involved at all in the beginning just legions of men. And I immediately thought of the dogs and the hoses and AA women and children.

      • Things went south again today and the women and children disappeared. I also noticed something else interesting yesterday. I know that Egypt is a Muslim country, but most of the articles I’ve read emphasize that it is largely secular as far as government and culture is concerned. Before yesterday most of the Egyptian women didn’t wear hijab, and definitely no burqas. Yesterday, almost every woman I saw had on hijab, and many covered their face as well. I assume they did it to protect themselves from government backlash. Interestingly enough I didn’t see any men wearing disguises, though in protests in other countries I have.

        • Roslyn,

          The impression I got during my one very long day (around 14 hours) spent in Egypt about a year ago is that public spaces are very much men’s spaces. I didn’t see many women at all on the public buses, riding in cars, or walking along the streets while I was in Cairo. Meanwhile, the streets, cars and buses were filled with men. IIRC, I was there on a Saturday, so maybe it’s different during the weekdays.

          The few women I saw out in public were wearing head scarves (although not veils or burqas).

          Expect Success!

  7. Neecy,

    You said, “You know I never really paid attention to the fact that the WW that so many high profile BM marry and date are always quiet when the fit hits the shan. Then as BWE bloggers started pointing this out I said OMG they are so right! These WW who are married to the BM who come against “racial injustices” are always quiet. they are not out rallying the troops to save “thier Black King”. And that is b/c every race of woman is expected to enjoy the benefits of being a woman and not having to fight a mans battles.”

    That’s right! Women from every other ethnic group are expected to enjoy the benefits of being women.
    ________________________________________________

    Roslyn,

    You said, “I’ve watched with interest the situation that’s going on in Egypt these past few days. I think it’s interesting that today is the first day I’ve seen a significant number of women in the protests. When it first started there was a lot of violence from the police and quite a few people were hurt/killed. Now apparently the military has replaced the police and the violence has stopped. Compare and contrast that with the CRM and all the video footage of black women been attacked by dogs and bowled over with fire hoses. (And that’s only what went on in public. I shudder to think about what went on behind closed doors.)”

    Indeed. Other ethnic groups DON’T use the women of their group as cannon fodder.

    As far as building mutually supportive networks (which automatically entails dealing with nonblack others, because AAs are consistently NON-reciprocating with each other): I agree with you.

    I firmly believe that the quality of one’s social network will make the difference between starvation, homelessness and other forms of suffering versus thriving in the near future. The lack of a reciprocating social network is why so many AA women AND their helpless, fatherless children will be as Min. Farrakhan described the condition: “Naked, hungry, and out of doors.”

    Expect Success!

  8. pioneervalleywoman says:

    Greetings, Khadija!

    This is so on point, and important to remember. I recall this theme coming up in other earlier conversations, and it is important to remind us of the message.

    These women don’t rally around their men, and especially in the criminal context, because they present the imagery of an innocent lady in the midst of their men’s perfidy, whether that image is real or not.

    As a matter of fact, I would not be surprised if that image is carefully manufactured with their men’s tacit or open approval, so that the wives would never come under law enforcement scrutiny if things were to go bad quickly.

    Not only are some of these criminal types very traditional and protective, ie., mafia types who are not having their women involved in “the family business,” but it definitely protects them from having to testify as a matter of spousal privilege.

    It also protects their children; if daddy is gone to jail, at least mommy is there to take care of the children. So it is easier all around if wifey plays the role of the quality lady who is innocent and above all that (whether or not she is….)

    • Greetings PioneerValleyWoman!

      You said, “Not only are some of these criminal types very traditional and protective, ie., mafia types who are not having their women involved in “the family business,” but it definitely protects them from having to testify as a matter of spousal privilege.”

      Indeed. Although, I think it’s more about these criminal men from other ethnic groups being very traditional in upholding the man’s role of protector and provider (as opposed to being a conscious scheme to invoke spousal privilege).

      Expect Success!

    • SweetIslandGirl says:

      You said:
      As a matter of fact, I would not be surprised if that image is carefully manufactured with their men’s tacit or open approval, so that the wives would never come under law enforcement scrutiny if things were to go bad quickly.

      This reminds me of when T.I. got arrested again for poassesion of an illegal substance shortly after being released from doing jail time for weapons offences last year. His wife was also in the car at the time.

      Well, T.I. and his wife were charged with possession. The BC were disappointed at his actions but what shocked me was when 50 cent went on twitter and demanded that T.I’s wife should take the charges so that T.I. didnt have to go back to jail. I was shocked but more shocking were the fools on the BWE blogs who agreed. Tiny has children, four I believe and the notion that this person is seriously requesting that she “man-up” and take the charges for her husbands wrong doing is mind-boggling.

      You said:

      It also protects their children; if daddy is gone to jail, at least mommy is there to take care of the children.

      No other ethnic group would suggest that a woman take the fall and leave her children behind defenseless. The men in these groups would quicker sacrifice themselves then request a woman to. For me, any man who will look you in the eye and suggest such tomfoolery is the ultimate coward. I dont understand why the BC deems this acceptable and if a man says it he is just playing devils advocate.

      • SweetIslandGirl,

        You said, “Well, T.I. and his wife were charged with possession. The BC were disappointed at his actions but what shocked me was when 50 cent went on twitter and demanded that T.I’s wife should take the charges so that T.I. didnt have to go back to jail. I was shocked but more shocking were the fools on the BWE blogs who agreed. Tiny has children, four I believe and the notion that this person is seriously requesting that she “man-up” and take the charges for her husbands wrong doing is mind-boggling.”

        ???!!!??? {shaking my head}

        Expect Success!

        • SweetIslandGirl says:

          It was a big thing on the blogs with alot of BW and BM agreeing that she should do it. There were some who didnt agree (women of course) but they were drowned out by the others who thought it was a great idea because it would allow T.I. to continue salvaging his career.

          It was at that point that I was “done” with that thread.

          I know a mother who raised 5 kids in a really bad area. She sold drugs out her apartment and told her sons it was ok to smoke marijuana in her house because it was better doing it at home where it was “safe” then on the streets. Needless to say her middle son turned into a seriously delinquent DBR man who lead gangs, raped girls (allegedly)and constantly had run-ins with the police.

          She was with a DBR man herself who demanded that she be his ride or die “wife” and she obliged. It wasnt until he died that she suddenly woke up and realized the error of her ways, saved up her money and moved far out the city to change her life and show a better example to her youngest children. I tell you this story because even though she changed her ways whenever her eldest sons would get arrested she was their loudest advocate; in her mind the police were harassing them, and planting drugs to bring them down when all they were just trying to do thier hussle to feed their family (BS!!!)

          We all saw how wrong this was but no one dared say anything to convince her otherwise or she would cuss you out so bad you would be sorry you ever said anything. She died of stress and now her DBR son is convincing her youngest drug addicted brother not to get a job or go to rehab because he wont be making money that way.

          I believe it starts with us. The mentality that we should all be sister soldiers and ride or die behind these BM who do blatent wrong just because we share the same race is crazy. Non-bw see it, everyone sees it except us.

          • SweetIslandGirl,

            I can see that sort of crazy conversation happening on the typical “Black” blogs.

            But not on any BWE (Black Women’s Empowerment) blog (which is what you said). That’s what caused my shock at your comment.

            Expect Success!

          • SweetIslandGirl says:

            My applogies, it was a typo on my part. I meant the typical BW blogs

          • shocol says:

            I believe it starts with us. The mentality that we should all be sister soldiers and ride or die behind these BM who do blatent wrong just because we share the same race is crazy. Non-bw see it, everyone sees it except us.

            I agree. AA women will continue to suffer until the majority of us give up the racially prioritized mentality for one that is self-first or gender prioritized. I think it’s as simple as that.

          • Karen says:

            My question to you is does it make sense to continue to read such blogs?

            Based on your statements, the majority there have toxic belief systems which does nothing to help a Sojourner move forward.

      • Lynn says:

        50 cent is an idiot and epitomizes DBR BM. I could not believe they had that fool on the cover of Black Enterprise this month! I wrote the editor expressing my dissapointment that they would have an admitted criminal on the front page. You would NEVER see some upper level mob guy on the cover of Money magazine, regardless if they have legitimate businesses or not. 50 cent fool admits in interviews and books that he used drug money to fund his musical career launch. I’m seriously thnking of cutting off my subscription with BE. I’ve been a subscriber for over 10 years

        Ladies please write to BE that we will withdraw our support if they glorify thugs!

  9. Karen says:

    Dear Khadija,

    I commend you for taking the time to point out once again what is common sense to every other group of women. It cannot be underestimated the damage that brainwashing (i.e. “Sister Soldiering”) has done to AA BW. At the same time, I find it very sad and tragic.

    The only real solution I can see to this is for conscious steps on an individual basis be taken to “de-program” through exposure to more healthy environments, seeking professional help where possible and disassociating from toxic people (along with many of the actionable items you have provided at this blog and your previous one).

    Our “Mis-leaders” survive and thrive on the minds, bodies, labor and money from Sister Soldiers. Without them, they would cease to exist and THEY.KNOW.THIS.

    AA BW have their destiny in the palm of their hands. I wish we as AA BW would use the courage that we have to fight everyone else’s causes to instead take that energy to save ourselves because frankly:
    NO.ONE.ELSE.IS.GOING.TO.SAVE.US.

  10. Ali says:

    “African-American women are alone on this planet in making loud, public announcements that they would never date or marry outside their race. This is usually said to emphasize the point that they would never date or marry White men. Nobody else is making these sorts of public statements. Certainly not Black men. And also not other women of color, including Arab women (many of whose men are actively at war with the White West). Including Black women from other countries. Everybody except African-American women keeps their dating and marriage options open.”

    Oh Khadija –

    God bless you, what a great post. I have said this over and over and over and over again to my female relatives who are -just now – becoming interested in IR dating. Has anyone seen the covers of the black women’s magazines this month? They all say some variation of ‘Celebrate black Love’ and ‘How to please a black man’.

    Just because wm are not buying these magazine DOES NOT mean they don’t see the covers. This needs to stop. How about ‘Celebrate Love’ and ‘How to please a man?”

    It is sickening – I think at this point a lot of black women are just saying it because they think it’s what they’re suposed to say, but do they realize the effects? Then they ask – Why are white guys so nervous about asking me out? Well DUH. And for black women who have always been completly open to IR, they are making it harder on them too.

    The fetish thing is hilarous – I’ve heard this from relatives now that I’m tying the knot- “white guys alway sdid like you because you fulfill their fetish’. What they mean is that I have very very dark, smoth skin and short afro. What could be more HORRIBLE right? I look like I could be African.

    So of course my fiance must be SICK right? I mean I’m visibly black! How sick is that? SMH. They can’t figure out why a guy from a well to do family is doing with me, after all he ‘could get a real pretty white girl’.

    Pat, I’ve also heard what you say from BM and BW – that ‘WM think ugly black women are beautiful’. It’s so sad and mixed up. Why do BW go along with this? If a white guy loves you lips and your skin, that’s a wonderful thing.

    • Ali,

      May God also bless you! :-) This thing of AA women cutting their own throats with these self-sabotaging public announcements is one of the chapters in the book.

      Expect Success!

  11. Monique says:

    Wonderful post once again, Khadija.

    I remember a few months back there was this story about a BM who took a gun to work in CT and killed his boss and a few other people. The excuse given was that he was “stressed” because he was working in a racially hostile environment and just snappped. I remember large hords of Black people and several BW, including his family members, hooting and hollering at how right the “brotha” was and how he “showed dem white folks.” I was even in the company of a few older bm-identified women who was pleased as punch at what that lunatic did. I immediately said my goodbyes and left, b/c that madness was just a bit too much for me. I should also add that he was with a white woman, if my memory serves me correctly.

    It is amazing to me that BW condone and coddle criminals, esp. BM criminals and are proud of it. I mean are you insane? Are you not aware that other sane, functioning people see you as just plain looney and distance themselves form you, thus “othering” you all over again? To publicly and loudly proclaim your loyalty and fealty to criminals and criminal behavior b/c it’s getting back at “the man” is just plain stupid.

    In regard to those BW who loudly proclaim that “nuthin but a brotha” mantra… I mean what is there to say? I say have at it. You want them then they are ALLL yours. I’m certainly not trying to change anyone’s minds.

    I’m clear that I want to live well. I want to enjoy my life with as little drama as possible and I know that the majority of Black folk don’t have a clue how to live well, so it’s incumbent upon me to leave the whole bunch alone and surround myslef with like-minded indivisulas who want the same things out of life that I do.

    • Monique,

      Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

      You said, “I’m clear that I want to live well. I want to enjoy my life with as little drama as possible and I know that the majority of Black folk don’t have a clue how to live well, so it’s incumbent upon me to leave the whole bunch alone and surround myslef with like-minded indivisulas who want the same things out of life that I do.”

      I totally agree!

      Expect Success!

  12. Another great post, Khadija. So many BW are stuck on stupid when it comes to the common sense things you have mentioned. I know two young BW that are rallying around their incarcerated boyfriends, going as far as to say that they are engaged to these men. Well, of course these men propose marriage: they want a place to stay when they get out! It’s difficult to get a job when you have a felony on your record: these men need s sure thing, and these foolish women are as sure as it gets.

    About the “WM who have fetishes” issue: I know plenty of BM who break their necks to look at a curvy backside, going so far as to ask women out that may be unattractive but have big butts. This seems like a fetish to me-these men are only interested in that ONE body part. Somehow, though, BW don’t regard this as fetishizing. So backwards.
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    [Khadija speaking: Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it. It hasn’t occurred to these silly young BW that their boyfriends are busy being “Booty Warriors” or “Booty Warriors’ Victims” while they’re incarcerated? Wow! {shaking my head} The mind boggles . . . ]

    • I think it crosses their mind, but they insist that their man isn’t engaging in these behaviors. These women have to believe this so that they can justify these relationships. The men will never admit to what they did behind bars, because it’s embarrassing, and they could lose their sure thing! (shelter, food, and support of these BW)

  13. Valerie M says:

    If you think about it, everyone has a fetish of some sort. Technically, any “preference” is potentially a fetish. Some nothing-but-a-BM women have fetishes for dark skin. Does that not bother them?

    I wouldn’t care much if the man has a fetish as long as a) he treats me extremely well and b) the fetish is not extremely weird (as in uncommon) and potentially dangerous (e.g. has a fetish for swinging or three-ways). If he fetishes something that is particularly unique to me, even better. It increases my value to him without me lifting a finger. Not to say I won’t lift my finger in other areas, but you get my point.

    As for fighting other men’s battles: I go further than not fighting for men. I know some women don’t like this in the name of being “independent.” But I personally don’t feel like playing defenseless and not dirtying my hands takes anything away from my being “independent.” If I can help it, I will let another men defend me from men who are harrassing me. For example, I have been in public places where men were harrassing me. I make it a rule to pretend not to hear them or see them at all. I’ve learned (the hard way) the minute you entertain them and say anything to them, you have already given them an opening. DBR’s see this as a permanent pass to pursue you at any cost. Even if you say something like “I have a boyfriend” or “Not interested.”

    Sometimes they get really persistent anyway and try to grab my arm. In that case, I walk quickly to the nearest security guard or safe-looking guy and stand next to him with a “help me” look on my face and start chatting it up. All the while not looking at or saying a peep to this character. A few years ago, I probably would have started cursing him out. I make it a habit not to go to any empty places without a friend or places I know will not be full of people.

    I bring this up for a reason. I know you always say you need to be like butterflies and be friendly, but there is another side to that equation. Just because someone talks to you doesn’t mean you have to answer them. Especially if that someone is a highly questionable character. It may seem cold, but you are simply not obligated to respond. Most mentally healthy men seem to understand that as a woman you HAVE to be choosy about who you respond to as a security measure. I believe they in fact respect women who don’t roll in the mud with pigs. The onus is on them to be presentable and not approach you in a creepy way.

    But most women in my age group, especially BW, don’t seem to understand that. This is even in a middle class, diverse neighborhood where you are less likely to get shot by a DBR for not responding. When you respond to creepy, entitled men – even if it is a negative response – then you help reinforce that behavior. It is like a slippery slope into getting more involved with them… and then end up fighting their petty battles for them. It all starts with having the power to ignore these men individually in the first place. Then you won’t feel responsible for them as a collective later on.

    Anyway, this pattern makes it extremely tough for women who ARE trying to set a standard. But what can you do? Need to keep pushing along and remain stubborn about your standards, regardless of what anyone else is doing.

    • ValerieM.,

      My first question with any issue (including this so-called “fetish” mess) is to ask: “Is this particular thing working FOR or AGAINST me?” And go from there. I hope more AA women will learn to focus on their own interests when evaluating situations.

      Expect Success!

  14. joyousnerd says:

    Yes, yes! Yet another 100% on point post, Khadija.

    This phenomenon of BW being expected to cater to, protect, and defend BM is another example of the backward nature of the BC. And sadly it does reflect poorly on those of us who know better.

    For instance, in undergrad my plan was to go on to law school and prosecute. Having been a victim of crime many times, I relished the idea of getting justice for other victims. Yet, all of my classmates who knew I planned to go to law school automatically assumed I wanted to go and coddle, protect and defend violent BM criminal defendants!

    Each time I would find out that someone assumed that about my plans, I was flabbergasted. When I’d ask them WHY they would assume such a thing, they’d get quiet and nervous, and change the subject.

    Now I know the real reason… they had seen the BM Sista Soldier Save Alla Our Innocent Black Kangs stuff before, and since I’m a BW… they just automatically assumed I was one too. :(

    When BW engage in these backward patterns, we Other ourselves, invoke pity/loathing/disgust on ourselves individually AND bring that patina of manishness to other BW as well. :(

    • JoyousNerd,

      Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.

      Well, after having worked in the past both as a prosecutor and as a criminal defense attorney, I’ll say this: For any sane and sensible AA woman, working in the US criminal court system often boils down to a choice of:

      (1) sometimes helping Klan-minded folks (as a prosecutor working with law enforcement, including the anti-Black racist ones); OR

      (2) sometimes helping Dunbar Village-type demons (as a defense attorney representing Black underclass defendants).

      It’s all quite draining.

      Expect Success!

  15. CHER says:

    “I would not join any club that would have someone like me for a member.” — Groucho Marx

    This is what comes to mind when I hear Black women getting started on “fetishes” and similar discussions…

    Textbook PTSD…Many of us allow bad experiences in damaged constructs shape our future interactions…”We” distrust ‘others’ who actually compliment and display kindness towards us…”We” think it’s a bad thing for someone else to appreciate and/or have a preference for dark-skin, kinkier hair and other features attributed to most Black folk…On the flip side, many BW have considered it normal for everyone else to be paraded as the epitome of beauty…Normal for us to be used as mules and workhorses…Normal for us to give ’til we cannot give any more- And until we give out!…Normal to struggle & stress all of our lives in exchange for crumbs…

    On a positive note: Black women are demonstrating their interest in traveling the world to broaden their horizons (including the possibility of meeting a mate) …Almost immediately we get admonitions about “WM not being saviors”, etc…I mean, who said that?…Enter the accusations about BW being desperate because we’re wising up and exploring other territory…I mean SICK, SICK, SICK! …I don’t know what else to call it…

    • CW,

      Yes, that “I agree with BW being stepped on, insulted, and disrespected” mentality is appalling to see in so many mentally broken AA women.

      You said, “On a positive note: Black women are demonstrating their interest in traveling the world to broaden their horizons (including the possibility of meeting a mate) …Almost immediately we get admonitions about “WM not being saviors”, etc…I mean, who said that?…Enter the accusations about BW being desperate because we’re wising up and exploring other territory…I mean SICK, SICK, SICK! …I don’t know what else to call it…”

      It’s not only sick, it’s a deliberately strategy meant to prevent AA women from escaping being exploited as Sister Soldier Mules. As the BWE message spreads, then those people who want AA women to continue being exploited as Sister Soldier Mules change their tactics. Evia has talked about this frequently. She recently said the following:

      AA women must find their man–one woman at a time. No one is going to come along with a magic elixir for bw. Help is not on the way! You must help YOURSELF.

      All you need to find is ONE QLL compatible man on this planet of 6.5 billion people (approx. half are males). Just ONE.

      And bw, another thing is that now that more and more bw are finding their guy in the global village and others are seeing it, trust me that there are forces in certain quarters at work to break your stride. All kinds of test messages and tactics are being floated and used to make you pause or to try to prevent men in the global village from being interested in you.

      If big business is aware of more and more bw of the middle class strata marrying non-bm and is in pursuit of some of their disposable incomes (as shown by more and more ads depicting bw-wm couples) then more and more of you are being noticed by lots of others.

      Bw—Do not fall for the okey-doke punch AGAIN or that “pie in the sky” nonsense and you’ve got to tell other bw over and over not to fall for it! Since it worked so well before, it is being tried again and it will be tried again and again. Trust me on that. Some of you have no idea why you’re in your present social predicament. Some of you write to me and say, “I don’t know why bm hate us so much.”

      I’ll tell you the gist of it, and I’m going to try to respond to this nicely: It’s because people do NOT respect stupid, gullible people. They will use you, but they don’t respect you. I don’t think it’s actually hate. They just don’t respect you because you believe their constant supply of old, stale lies and make yourself so easy to be used.

      This is how it happened. This is Black History. Write it down. Never forget it. Don’t let your daughters forget it. Bw will continue to repeat the lesson until they learn it. Learn it NOW!

      Your mothers were knocked out by the Okey-doke punch delivered to them by bm. That’s why you are where you are now. Your mothers were hoodwinked by bm into putting the needs of black women on the back burner back in the 60s and 70s during the Civil Rights movement. When bw complained in those days about bm’s sexist/violent/self-serving/colorstuck behavior towards them, they were accused of being disloyal to bm, shushed into silence by bm and smoozed into going along with the PLAN.

      This is why some of you still feel you’re being disloyal when you talk about the use and abuse you’ve received from bm. Some of you actually feel bad or guilty when you talk out about your mistreatment because bm, your mother, and other bw have programmed you–to stay quiet, never scream, no matter what. You were programmed to never tell YOUR story because that might make bm feel bad or look bad.

      The PLAN was then for all–both AA men and AA women to put their total energies and resources towards getting rid of racism FIRST, then bm would put their full energies and resources behind putting their sexist, violent, selfish, colorstruck bretheren in their place. In other words, your mothers were bamboozled into believing that the “good” & “conscious” bm would protect them from the sexist, violent, selfish ones AFTER black folks got their civil rights.

      So, your mothers sacrificed themselves and the needs and interests of black womanhood. In essence, they agreed to allow themselves and you too to be kicked in the teeth and your hind parts–all for the CAUSE. They expected the “pie in the sky” payoff from black men. LOL! If you talk with bw who lived during that time, they say they could not conceive of the fact that the bulk of bm would turn against bw, which is what we largely have today.

      (emphasis added)
      http://www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com/2010/12/moving-on-happy-new-year-proposing-supra-racial-diversity-book-club-4-4-25-goal-achievement-program-kickoff-bw-marrying-wealt.html

      The desire to see AA women remain trapped in exploited mule status is what’s driving all these strange comments about “WM not being angels or saviors”—which NOBODY ever said in the first place.

      Expect Success!

  16. Dr. Igia says:

    Hi Khadija and everyone else (silly waving)!

    You know, now that I think about it…black men are the only men I know who require their women to “have their back”. Particulary with the younger generations, they always want that woman “who holds it down when things get rough” (Re:T.I) Basically meaning they want a woman who’ll carry/take care of their heavy behinds.
    In all my exposure to different ethniticities/races, I’ve never heard any other men express this need. In fact, their masculinity is threatend if they perceive that a woman is taking care of them. These are the types of men who desire to provide for their women; at least financially.
    Smh-also now that I think about it…old school black men had the belief that BW were the inferior to them/responsible for their success or lack of success. This is reflected in the old school aphorism “Behind every strong black man, is a strong black woman”.
    Maybe I’m reading to much into the quote, but I do believe that something could be inferred from the word “Behind”-why isn’t the woman next to him?
    These concepts illustrate how BW are always expected to cater to black men, or rally around them. But in the words of Janet Jackson… “what have you done for me lately?”
    I really cannot think of one instance where BM have elevated us BW like we’ve done for them (I’m excluding all the quality male relatives).

    • Dr. Igia,
      {waving back}

      I think most AA women are clear that BM have not reciprocated oBW’s (gullible) support of them. The sticking point is around the question of what to do next. There are the BF Fantasy Island residents who endlessly cling to false hopes of “healing the relationship between BW and BM.” All while refusing to acknowlege that this relationship is a Host Body (BW) and Parasite (BM) relationship.

      And then there are the AA women who are finally learning to cut their losses, and move on to healthier pastures among the global village.

      Expect Success!

  17. Truth P. says:

    (I hope this is on topic and to the point,if not my apologies in advance)

    I feel that supporting criminal deviants and low lives is not good for the “brand” that many Christian and Muslim black women are trying to cultivate(the “pious womanly” brand where women of the church are supposed to let her man be a man and lead)for obvious reasons and not so obvious reasons .A lot of black women that are religious will support black male criminals,Erykah Badu and baby momma crew financially and otherwise.Well when I think of the bible it says you reap what you sow and for every sin there is a just recompense of reward.Forgive me for my ignorance of the Koran,as I don’t know what it says but I’m sure you all have some variation of the same thing in your good book.
    I have always felt that it is the will of God that people who do bad things or make bad choices to pay for their crime,ignorance, and misbehavior.I feel that black women who support and fight for the rights of criminal deviants may (at times) be out of the will of God.I know that it can be argued that rich white men and otheer rich or wealthy people do bad things and don’t seem to struggle or suffer but I’d argue that that is not always true.

    Real Life Example:black man kills another black person or black man terrorizes all black residential area’s.black man is shot dead by white police officer.”pious womanly” religious black women protest on the front lines with several armed alleged racist white men standing before them??????

    It could be argued that these women are working against the brand that they work to develop.

    I also think that it could be argued that many of these women are stopping their blessings when they protest on behalf of black criminal deviants.

    This may seem a little extreme but these are a few things that I have pondered as I myself have lived in what slowly became a Dunbar village/babymomma ville at one point.I was personally affected by the negativity that went on even though I grew up with both parents who were protective.
    These are questions I’ve had strictly coming from a religious stand point.

    Considering the real life example I gave, could it be argued that everyone has a purpose in life and the purpose of racist white cop was to rid an all black residential area of a terrorist?

    Could it be argued that maybe God used a racist white dude to deliver the innocent in all black residential area’s from the black male deviant/terrorist because the “good black man”
    (my own dad) living in that neighborhood could not always be relied on to protect all of the innocent people in his community?

    These are things that I have considered or thought about because in the bible there are several stories told about people hating the children of Abraham and even conquering them and treating them very harshly.It is stated in many of these stories that the people God used/allowed to conquer his people were they themselves evil and ungodly but God used them to take out the children of Abraham that were evil to leave a remnant of do gooder seed of Abraham behind.

    Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

    sidenote:I am not in any way trying to encourage or condone racist anti black behaviors of white male cops.I believe there is a special place in hell for them despite the fact that some of them have killed some very unsavory characters.And I’m really not trying to offend anyone by getting all religious,so if I have my apologies in advance.I’m just trying to look at this from a different angle and am typing out loud some thoughts that I’ve had that went unsaid.

    • TruthP.,

      You said, “I also think that it could be argued that many of these women are stopping their blessings when they protest on behalf of black criminal deviants.”

      I believe they are. For a variety of reasons. One of which is that these type of hypocritical religious women almost always twist their reading of their scripture to suit their vain desires (which is to block justice from catching up to their favorite criminals).

      Instead of reading their scripture with an open mind and open heart, they deliberately distort the meaning of the verses in order to justify allowing Black criminals to run loose and evade being brought to justice.

      Expect Success!

    • joyousnerd says:

      I think I understand what you are saying here, and it’s very profound.

  18. Everybody,

    Let me re-emphasize something:

    I don’t want this to be all about BM criminals. I’m telling y’all to ALSO stop rallying around the deviant, scam artist Black women such as Ms. Williams-Bolar (that was discussed at length in Part 1 of this series)!

    Thank God, many of you in the audience are already comfortable with refusing to rally around BM criminals and deviants. But you still want to rally around BF criminals and deviants. You still want to rally around the baby factory BF welfare queens. You still want to automatically rally around every freakish Black woman like the South African intersexed runner Caster Semenya. You still have the knee-jerk, Sista Soldier reflex of rallying around every STRANGE Black person, and every Black person who’s doing something STRANGE.

    I’m saying to catch the hint from the women of every other ethnic and racial group on this planet, and STOP doing that.
    ______________________________________________

    To The Reader Whose Comments I Deleted,

    No, your comments didn’t sound like “whining.” It’s just that I’m focused on the interests of African-American women. I’m not going to print comments like yours that shift the spotlight OFF of correcting some problems among AA women, and ONTO focusing on some other types of Black women.

    Why is it so hard for AAs to stay focused on ourselves and our own specific interests?

    Expect Success!

  19. Supporting criminals and grifters is a bad idea for another important reason, our actions follow our thoughts. So, if we believe in defending those of a criminal bent we tend to draw those people into our inner circle. Other (sane) people recognize this tendency and avoid you as though you were a criminal yourself. I have numerous relatives that I don’t associate with because they’re either criminals or criminal sympathizers. In my mind they are one and the same. I don’t want to be around someone that’s going to have gangbangers and assorted deviants showing up at any moment. I don’t even want anyone to know that I know those kind of people. Having those type people around is endangers my family and leads to people second-guessing MY integrity. And that is a problem many of us have. Because many of us are only a generation or so from poverty ourselves we often have relatives and close kin who are still mired in poverty, or are criminals. So our knee-jerk reaction is to defend those who are blood kin to us. Unfortunately, once folk have become entangled in the criminal justice system there’s not a heckuva lot you can do to save them. What you can do is ruin your own life and take a lot of good people with you.

    Here in Atlanta there are upscale black subdivisions that have restrictive covenants that preclude houseguests that stay for more than a set period of time. Clearly they understand the danger that comes from those who might sympathize with criminals down on their luck, and allow them into their safe communities. Criminal sympathizes will destroy your community just as quickly as the criminals will because they can fly in under radar.

    So you really do have to work not only to avoid criminals and those of a criminal bent, you have to avoid defending or protecting them as well. Nothing will get you shunned by decent folk like being seen as someone who will invite mayhem into your community.

    • tertiaryanna says:

      Other (sane) people recognize this tendency and avoid you as though you were a criminal yourself.

      ITA. We don’t have time to get to know every single person we encounter. So how a person chooses to represent herself will often be the way people see her. People just assume “birds of a feather flock together”. If you’re too quick to side with odd behavior, it looks like you’d do the same thing if given a chance, and are willing to bring complications to someone else’s life.

      IMO, being so quick to give support in a dicey situation is just impractical. If you’re wrong, at best it looks like you’re imprudent and unethical at worst. Why even go there?

      Also, is getting loud the best means to give support? If not, why not do something more effective if the goal is to help? I think there is a value in learning how to give support without risking your own position.

      In the Bolar-Williams case, was this woman helped by extra scrutiny into the case? Are her vocal supporters helping themselves by this race to defend her, now that the facts are known? I think not.

  20. CHER says:

    Slightly OT

    Dear Khadija, Thank you for your perspective in regards to the Ohio mother charged with fraud…I was conflicted briefly in whether or not to support this woman…But the more I read, the more it becomes evident that this isn’t a simple case of inequality…The mother in question had many options if she wanted to send her child to that school district…It’s another case of wanting your cake & eating it too…

  21. Truth P. says:

    I know it has been stated that we should not be supportive to criminal deviants and the “Erykah Badu baby momma crew”/Bolar’s but has anyone mentioned that we probably should not accept funds or support from baby momma’s and criminals because it always comes with a heavy price?

    I’ve had a few relatives be nice to me and give me things of their own free will, that I never asked for, and never hinted that I was in need of, and after I accepted the gift they expected me to be their slave and do all sorts of illegal and low class things.If I’d done those things and got caught my reputation would be ruined and it would be much harder for me to join healthy sane people in better environments.
    We must be careful who we accept our gifts from.

  22. Coffy says:

    Great post as usual. In my late teens I would often attend anti-racism/school of social work meetings , and while attending one workshop I had an older black woman come up to me and tell me to “live your life for yourself.” At the time I was confused as to what she meant by it, did she mean “abandon” the black community? I eventually came to realize that not every black person is my responsibility, and as I looked at AA history I saw that black women have been dedicating themselves to the struggle for decades to no avail, so why spend my life doing the same. As other posters have mentioned, I’ve also noticed that people automatically assume I’ll have sympathy for criminals. I’ve heard men whine about being charged with drug distribution and act as if I should think they were/are justified.

  23. Melissa Q. says:

    Many African-American women worry about nonblack men having a so-called “fetish” with the traits that these men find attractive. Let’s think about this for a moment. We’re actually bothered and offended when a nonblack man finds our West African-derived skin tones, features, and hair textures attractive. Why is it called a “fetish” if a nonblack man is able to appreciate Black women’s beauty? Meanwhile, we live among a collective of African-American men who are open about their hatred of those same West African complexions, features and hair textures in women! [See statements by creatures such as Yung Berg, NeYo, and so on. See statements and actions by countless other African-American men.]

    I believe the ‘fetish’ idea comes from the internalization of white beauty standards and the rampant AA colorism. I’ve heard black women call Michelle Obama ugly and unattractive, because in their minds you need to be light-bright-white and only non-black women are considered beautiful. They’ve been mentally conquered.

    Personally I believe the constant ‘self-sacrificing’, mule-like behavior BW partake in is an offspring of this, because they don’t believe that they are worthy to be treated, protected, and even to have the ability act like regular women. To be feminine is considered ‘soft’. You have to be ‘strong’ and ‘fight’ because they believe that their own men can’t/don’t to protect and desire them.

    I call it ‘the bottom of the totem pole mentality’, which is extremely dangerous to women and their self-esteem. This is terrible, because I believe that by subscribing to this behavior, you are actually sending yourself to ‘the bottom of the totem pole’ position, because you don’t believe that you are worthy, beautiful, or even can be desired. How can someone protect a person who doesn’t want to be protected or believes that they are not worthy of any protection? But, what these BW don’t know is that there are people that are threatened by a beautiful intelligent black woman. They benefit from their mental slavery because it means less competition. That is why people are trying so hard to attack BW, because they see that more of us we are moving up, advancing in class, and marrying out and we are coming over.

    Many AA women simply don’t believe in their own beauty, and are content being the mule because they believe that is their ‘place’. They are so used of other women being elevated as beautiful and sexy that the idea that they could look just as beautiful or even better is insane to them.

    The colorist BM idea that BW with West-African derived features are ugly is funny, because all of the BM that called these BW ugly magically get jealous when they see her with a non-black man. Suddenly they want to pursue her now? I thought she was ugly, LOL!

    Why are BW upset at being deemed exotic by other men? Colorist BM think non-Bw are exotic, no? It’s a beautiful feeling when a man appreciates a woman’s unique features. Also, BW need to understand that we can turn the stereotypes into our advantage if you play our cards right. There are people expect different from us because of the stereotypes, but when our spirits and hard work shine through we stand out much more and people are FLOORED. There’s nothing wrong with being a little different or standing out. Trust me when the charm comes out, people are attracted like bees to honey. :-)

    • YMB says:

      I don’t think that BW concocted the whole “fetish” and “exotic” paranoia, although I think the lack of belief of our own worth and beauty is why so many BW have bought into that mindset. We are the only race of women that castigates rather than celebrates their uniqueness.

      The “fetish” tactic was thought up by WW in an effort to tar and stifle WM’s noted interest in AW. The difference being that when AW were presented with this, they rejected it wholesale as a ploy to paint genuine attraction to non-white women as freakish and wrong and to block WM from elevating AW to the same status as WW. Meanwhile BW got the same message and thought, “he likes my kinky hair, brown skin, and African features– how unnatural!”

    • Xai says:

      @ Melissa, I cosign 100%, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Any non black male expressing a preference for the unique beauty of black women, in particular those that only date black women; doesn’t have a fetish, he is just displaying CONSISTENTLY good taste. Anytime a non black male tells me I have beautiful hair or skin, or says he appreciates my curves, I simply smile and say THANK YOU!

  24. ak says:

    Khadija:

    Modern African-American criminal defendants are not Rosa Parks or Emmett Till. Instead, they’re more likely to be like the demons in the Dunbar Village Atrocity (during which a pack of fatherless Black males gang raped a mother and forced her to perform oral sex on her own son). They’re more likely to be like the Black female neighbor of the Dunbar Village victims who reacted with indifference when told about that crime against humanity. Stop superimposing Rosa Parks’ and Emmett Till’s faces on the face of every modern day Black criminal defendant that you see. You’re insulting their memories when you do that.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK. YOU.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    [Khadija speaking: You’re welcome. I can imagine both Rosa Parks and Emmett Till spinning in their graves at roughly 90 mph when their names are linked to modern-day thieves and assorted other undesirables.]

  25. Formavitae says:

    I agree with this post. I’ve always hated criminal activity. But, AAs treat you like you don’t care about the community, or you’re “siddity” (a word I HATE), if you don’t offer support to the criminal in some way. I DO love AAs (I get tired of saying that or trying to prove it), but it’s so DRAINING to fulfill the community expectation. I have been living life, preparing for the “realities” of being a BW, and I’m sick of it. I’m tired of worrying about how to meet the man’s responsibilities and mine too. More importantly, I’m tired of the constant discouragement from other females. (black and other). No one wants the BW to believe in her worth, rights, or femininity. I have a friend a I love DEARLY. But, sometimes I feel like cutting off the relationship because I’m so tired of her “typical” black thinking.

    BW who want to be free are going to have to “disconnect” themselves, because “running two tracks” is draining and simultaneously IMPOSSIBLE. I personally have decided to pursue my own goals which include reclaiming my right to be loved, valued, supported, and protected. I am a very strong woman (physically and mentally), but I’m going to sit down and let my man do the “heavy lifting”, because that’s his duty and how he qualifies himself for leadership.

    Yes, I love my friend, so I’m not walking away from her. But, I’m hesitant to establish new relationships with black females (and ANY females, for that matter–so many people are interested in BW “remembering their place”). I’m glad to have found these BWE blogs. I now feel less “alone” in the world. Thanks, Khadija.

  26. mobile68 says:

    First of all, I just want to thank Khadija & all the other BWE bloggers for putting the message out there about how the DBR the BC is. And that it is not done in such a binary way.

    We (Sojourners) are all about asserting our feminity & feminism w/o subscribing to the white feminist movement version. We all are aware of how we are still affected by racism in this country w/o becoming a victim of it or aiding & abetting it. We can discuss an issue(s) and not beat it to death, yet can offer some SOLUTIONS to said issue(s). We Sojourners are a very aware group!

    Unlike the :

    The Repug-mineded black folk who will be quick to throw any AA under a bus, deny that racism still exist in this country, I got mines get yours & unashamedly promote white is right doctrines so they think that they can gain favor w/ their beloved white folk, who respect them as much as the tools that they are.

    OR

    The black folk who are so quick to cry racism, the white man won’t let us (I have heard this mainly from BM mouths), white folk do it too, it’s because of slavery, etc, etc of not-taking-responsibility-for-their-actions-mentality.

    If you are of a sound mind & body Sojourner, you have to be extremely careful when around these type of folk. When dealing w/ those type of folk in the BC, it is like looking at the two walls closing in on you (a Sojourner) like in the movie Indiana Jones.

    I want to discuss what I perceive as one of the reasons why there is such inherent dysfunction in the BC. The rampant misuse/abuse of religion by BM on BW & by the BW themselves.

    I HAD a friend who wears the bible on her sleeve. When the issue of Prop 8 came up, she (and other AA Christians like her) was soooooooooo vocal about why gays should not get married. And in the past she openly disrespected a good gay friend of mine just because he was gay even though he is a Christian like her okay? What I had a problem w/ her was her obscene hypocrisy. She & all of her family members make a career of having OOW babies at such young ages. One would think that it’s their family ritual. Now her daughter (who she left at the county hospital because she couldn’t afford an abortion until her grandmother went & got the baby & dropped her in her lap), is pregnant at the ripe old age of 25, is not married to the baby’s daddy & came back home to raise the baby. But I guess that is normal.

    It kills me how these Christian BW (mainly the obvious fake ones) will rally to decry gays (who are of an oppressed group yet they tend to be more financially responsible & positively uplift their communities) getting married but see nothing w/ dropping OOW babies like it’s hot because it’s a “blessing”.

    These same indoctrinated women will use their religion to justify marrying a man, that she chose to fornicate with, who came into the relationship bringing nothing but his baggage to the table & no plans of action for moving them upward. And how many examples can I give of BM marrying their baby mommas only to ditch them right after the babies were born & don’t look back? The vocal Christian BW do not practice what they preach!

    These same indoctrinated women do not see that it is not normal to have a congregation where the women outnumber the men 10-to-1 and that the leadership does not reflect the majority of the congregation. But will be quick to call racism when the police killed their terrorist sons, brothers, fathers, cousins, lovers.

    But what is normal for those same indoctrinated Christian BW is when an AAW want be head of a majority female congregation (which is common in AA churches) how they will throw some serious haterade at that AAW pastor/minister/bishop for her daring to desire to spread the word of the lord. But they will vehemently support their beloved Eddie Long & etal.

    Now I want to be clear, I’m not against anybody practicing religion. I think it can be used for some good. What makes me sick is how these BM use religion on these BW to advance their agenda. And how these BW do not demand anything in return. Or hide behind their bible to hate on other BW. That is why Rev Inc. is still in business.

    If the BW could get some help for their indoctrination & use their religion for what is meant to be, then their minds, body & money would operate independent of the BM w/o withdrawal symptoms, which in turn leave the parasitic BM w/o a host, which in turn would threaten the BM existence because now they wouldn’t know how to exist otherwise.

    • Mobile68,

      I find colored religious hypocrites to be deeply annoying and offensive. For all the reasons you mentioned, and more. I did some posts at the previous blog about that; I’m not sure if I’ll address them and their literally life-threatening hypocrisy here.

      And I say “life-threatening” because the way these Bible-thumping colored girls are having all these oow babies is the same way they can end up with HIV/AIDs. The same applies to the silly Muslim colored girls who marry ex-cons—these men were/are Booty Warriors in prison, and are often HIV/AIDs carriers.

      Expect Success!

  27. halima says:

    Khadija

    This particular discussion on ‘quality ladies’ is off the hook! In particular, thank you for reminding us about Elijah Mohamed and how his approach was soo succesful within the black group. You inspired my next post!

    • Halima,

      Thank you for your kind words about the series; I truly appreciate it!

      I quoted and discussed Elijah Muhammad at length because I don’t want anybody to have the mistaken idea that coddling criminals and making excuses somehow = true solidarity with other Black folks, or with other BW. It doesn’t.

      I’m looking forward to your next post!

      Expect Success!

  28. YMB says:

    Stop superimposing Rosa Parks’ and Emmett Till’s faces on the face of every modern day Black criminal defendant that you see. You’re insulting their memories when you do that.

    Modern AAs have not only insulted their memories with this mess, they have also gutted the legacy of the Civil Rights Movement. AAs have done an outstanding PR job in terms of convincing the world that our values are protecting and coddling criminals, underachievement and disruption in school, vulgarity as an art form, and bastardy and solo-parenting as the preferred family structure. No other group is embracing and promoting these values. No other group places a priority on nurturing the cancerous growths within their group rather than removing them with vigilance.

    Are we really surprised that claims of racism, even when valid, largely fall on deaf ears outside of the AA collective, and that our pleas for help get ignored. Why would any other group care about our fate when we seem to care so little for ourselves?

    I am surprised that so many readers of this blog were aligning themselves with Ms. Williams-Bolar and trying to give her a pass. The peace walls are coming and if you present yourself as someone who identifies with and seeks to protect and shelter people who are out of touch with basic human norms, you will find yourself shut behind those walls, figuratively and literally, with them.

    • YMB,

      THANK YOU for this—you’ve written the next post with this excellent summary of why aspiring Sojourners need to STOP rallying around any and all criminals and grifters.

      I consider the fact that so many readers blindly sympathize with Ms. Williams-Bolar to be an emergency that needs to be addressed right now. In fact, I’m cancelling this week’s edition of Finishing School Friday to deal with this. As you noted, the peace walls ARE coming. Soon. And it doesn’t matter how physically cute an aspiring Sojourner is if she’s rallying around criminals and deviants. Like you said, in such a case she’ll ALSO find herself identified as an undesirable and end up on the wrong side of the peace walls.

      Expect Success!

  29. Sandra77 says:

    Khadija, thank you for your clarity of thought and your willingness to speak hard truths. Your analyses are both life-changing and life-saving. This is what I consider real love – not just telling BW what they want to hear, but what they desperately need to hear to change and save their lives. You help me immeasurably. Thank you.

  30. […] Khadija Nassif on February 3rd, 2011 During Part 2 of the As A Quality Lady Would Think series, a reader named YMB perfectly summed up the concerns […]