An Emergency Warning To All Aspiring Sojourners

During Part 2 of the As A Quality Lady Would Think series, a reader named YMB perfectly summed up the concerns that prompted me to start this particular series of posts. Any African-American woman who wants to survive and thrive will have to leave the toxic, non-reciprocating all-Black social networks behind; and join better networks in the outer world. This means dropping the twisted, anti-life values of “new school” African-American mass culture, and adopting normal human values. A reader named Ms Mellody said it much more diplomatically: “Changing one’s environment entails changing of deep, deep set mindsets and thought processes.”

That’s right. Another reader named YMB said,

[Quoting from one of my earlier comments: Stop superimposing Rosa Parks’ and Emmett Till’s faces on the face of every modern day Black criminal defendant that you see. You’re insulting their memories when you do that.]

Modern AAs have not only insulted their memories with this mess, they have also gutted the legacy of the Civil Rights Movement. AAs have done an outstanding PR job in terms of convincing the world that our values are protecting and coddling criminals, underachievement and disruption in school, vulgarity as an art form, and bastardy and solo-parenting as the preferred family structure. No other group is embracing and promoting these values. No other group places a priority on nurturing the cancerous growths within their group rather than removing them with vigilance.

Are we really surprised that claims of racism, even when valid, largely fall on deaf ears outside of the AA collective, and that our pleas for help get ignored. Why would any other group care about our fate when we seem to care so little for ourselves?

I am surprised that so many readers of this blog were aligning themselves with Ms. Williams-Bolar and trying to give her a pass. The peace walls are coming and if you present yourself as someone who identifies with and seeks to protect and shelter people who are out of touch with basic human norms, you will find yourself shut behind those walls, figuratively and literally, with them.

(emphasis added) The peace walls ARE coming. Soon.

I made the following comment during that earlier conversation,

Let me re-emphasize something:

I don’t want this to be all about BM criminals. I’m telling y’all to ALSO stop rallying around the deviant, scam artist Black women such as Ms. Williams-Bolar (that was discussed at length in Part 1 of this series)!

Thank God, many of you in the audience are already comfortable with refusing to rally around BM criminals and deviants. But you still want to rally around BF criminals and deviants. You still want to rally around the baby factory BF welfare queens. You still want to automatically rally around every freakish Black woman like the South African intersexed runner Caster Semenya. You still have the knee-jerk, Sista Soldier reflex of rallying around every STRANGE Black person, and every Black person who’s doing something STRANGE.

I’m saying to catch the hint from the women of every other ethnic and racial group on this planet, and STOP doing that.

I’m cancelling this week’s edition of Finishing School Friday to discuss this emergency warning. I’m doing so because it doesn’t matter how physically attractive you and your mannerisms are if you’re still rallying around criminals and deviants. You’ll be identified as an undesirable and kept out of normal, reciprocating social networks in the global village.

ADDENDUM

In this Age of Turmoil, having a reciprocating, mutually supportive social network of productive people is increasingly becoming a matter of life and death. The signs are all around you. See here and here from The Sovereign Man blog for examples. I can’t repeat this enough:

If you mark yourself as an undesirable by rallying around criminals and deviants, you will be frozen out of the type of social networks that would help you during times of trouble.

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129 Responses to “An Emergency Warning To All Aspiring Sojourners”

  1. GoddessM says:

    With the erecting of the peace walls the term “ghetto” seems to be going right back to Nazi days and its sad because the warning signs are a blaring-neon-hazard-light-red.

    My mother was smart and worked to move us from the black residential area the first time our home was broken into so I lucked out in growing up in a well to do suburb. This is my last year in the states(heading to Tokyo) and I constantly tell my fellow black female collegiate population that they’ll never find the success here as they would abroad. Hell, I’m even moving my mother to The Netherlands.

    Just watching the news is a tell tell sign. I have a stirring fear that after Arizona incident, whats going on in Egypt currently could easily be repeated on our own shores but with much more bloodshed. Its just too easy to get a weapon here. And when all of this comes to a head, the expendables(the black community and residential area) will get the most hits and the least help.

    • Muse says:

      This is so true. My parents are approaching their 60s and are thinking about retiring overseas. My dad is considering Bermuda.

      • Miss Andi K. says:

        I agree too. I am baffled by the looks of puzzlement I receive when I openly express my disdain for America and its “ideals”. I am learning that I may have to leave some closed minded relatives behind because I won’t jeopardize the livelihood of myself and my sweetheart to remain here. He is very protective of me as well, and is in full agreement that we’ve got to get out of here if we are planning to raise healthy, well-adjusted children one day.

        • GoddessM says:

          Muse-

          Encourage him. The dollar stretches itself there and the warmer climate is better for the joints.

          Miss Andi K –

          Kudos to you and your sweetie. I try to focus only on my immediate family because they actually want to improve themselves. Beyond that I won’t exert myself. All I can say is pick a place now and work to it. The faster you lock in with a certain city or town in mind the easier it is. I’m personally looking at Finland for when its time for kids(just 20 now).

          • Miss Andi K. says:

            Hey Goddess M!

            Thanks for the kind words! It is sort of complicated, but my immediate family are gung-ho about not leaving the US. They are UBER-Patriotic, so who knows? Regardless, I am thinking of Switzerland, their love of egalitarianism is ultra attractive.

  2. HR Professional says:

    Hi Khadija,

    I believe the reason most Sojourners aligned with Ms Williams – Bolar (WB) was more because of how emotionally she reacted to being jailed. I felt for her because in a typical BW being jailed story, the BW stands there stoically, stony-faced, with an I don’t give a care look. I felt for WB because I know some districts can be brutal to send children to. I felt tears welling up when I saw them leading her away. I empathized with her plight until I learned more about the story. Then my feelings became more like apathy for her and empathy for her girls. I still believe she wanted to give her daughters a better life, however WB, like other BW believe they can circumvent the system i.e. not using common sense, not being married when they conceive children, and not “living off” your husband, rather than governmental programs.

    Your point was well said, YMB.

    • tertiaryanna says:

      “I believe the reason most Sojourners aligned with Ms Williams – Bolar (WB) was more because of how emotionally she reacted to being jailed. I felt for her because in a typical BW being jailed story, the BW stands there stoically, stony-faced, with an I don’t give a care look. I felt for WB because I know some districts can be brutal to send children to. I felt tears welling up when I saw them leading her away. I empathized with her plight until I learned more about the story.”

      Sometimes, I feel like any portrayal of BW I see on tv makes me want to ask: “who is benefiting from this portrayal?”

      It makes such a great cover story to boost ratings: welfare mom struggles to get a better life for her kids, but goes to jail for trying.

      The problem is, all stories have a certain amount of spin. Who benefits from showing the story at the most emotional angle? Not the woman because the courts don’t account for public outcry after the decision is made. So if not her, then who?

      When I try to answer that, I think it’s the media who benefits, the advertisers, the particular network or show. The same media that has rarely shown BW in a way that benefits them. It’s not a conspiracy, but IMO, a lot of network tv news is news-tainment. So I often wonder how little of the story I’m hearing, or even how accurate it is.

      It’s gets better ratings to put out something sensational, and then come back with the teaser that there’s more information that changes the story. Far better than the dry process of getting the story totally right and complete the first time.

      Embellishment is part of getting people’s attention to even watch the news. Seeing her tears gets more revenue for the network than a simple statement that she was crying. So you’re being encouraged to feel a certain way, but it doesn’t mean that you’ve been encouraged in a truthful manner.

      I believe that it’s important to check the messenger, as well as the message. The stories were made to tug at your heartstrings, because that boosts ratings. Not because the person is worthy of sentiment, but just because it’s more lucrative to push emotions, rather than facts.

      This is no different, IMO from how BW are generally portrayed: whatever brings in the dollars drives the way the story is told.

      • Melissa Q. says:

        The ‘heartstings’ that are being tugged are only part of the sensationalism. Oh da’ po’ BW welfare mom that tried to give the best for her kids but was dragged in by the law. It’s like disaster porn. This is just another negative portrayal & reinforcement of the ‘aspects’ of the AA underclass on the media to boost ratings.

    • tertiaryanna says:

      In all that, I failed to make my main point: IMO, it behooves BW to carefully examine the messenger as well as the message, before jumping in to give support to someone else.

      We can’t assume that we have the whole picture, or even what agenda is being furthered by requesting our aid. Especially when we’re being pressured or manipulated into giving support.

      I think that it’s important to help if a person is willing and able. But I do not think a person can be truly willing or able without some understanding about what is really happening, not just is happening on the surface. I think it’s good to investigate (look before leaping.) Look twice if the situation looks funny. It may not be in someone’s best interest to get involved publicly, if at all.

      • HR Professional says:

        Hi Tertiaryanna,

        Good points. You definitely see the teasers at the beginning of each news broadcast. Even though the media is supposedly impartial, they rely on emotionalism to “sexy up” the news, hence the crying mom, Williams-Bolar who the news cast maintains ‘was only trying to get her children into a better district” Even Robin Roberts’ comments at the top of the story were sympathetic to Williams-Bolar.

  3. GoddessM,

    You said, “With the erecting of the peace walls the term “ghetto” seems to be going right back to Nazi days and its sad because the warning signs are a blaring-neon-hazard-light-red.

    . . . Just watching the news is a tell tell sign. I have a stirring fear that after Arizona incident, whats going on in Egypt currently could easily be repeated on our own shores but with much more bloodshed. Its just too easy to get a weapon here. And when all of this comes to a head, the expendables(the black community and residential area) will get the most hits and the least help.” (emphasis added)

    I 100% cosign. Aspiring Sojourners need to understand that this social network stuff is a matter of LIFE and DEATH. To paraphrase the old Jackson 5 song, the life you save (by adopting normal human values) might be your own! We need to recognize that this is life and death, and drop the defiant teenage rebel posture of supporting any and every strange, nonconformist person. When you’re an adult, you understand that nonconformity does not automatically equal freedom. Sometimes, “the box” (that everybody assumes it’s good to get outside of) exists to PROTECT human dignity and life!

    As I mentioned in the beginning of the post, I’ve been concerned lately about the aspiring Sojourners. I’m concerned because from what I see at various BWE blogs, I can tell that most of the audience members have not internalized the core values that various BWE bloggers have been talking about for the past couple of years.

    Readers mouth the words and use the same terminology that BWE bloggers are using, but when something comes up, most of the readers demonstrate that they don’t understand what words like vetting, reciprocity, quality person, and so on mean. All they’ve done is learn a hip, new vocabulary to use as a cover story for the same tired, self-defeating thought and behavior patterns.

    And in the cases of some other women who do understand what these words mean, they’ve got some other impractical baggage going on—such as swallowing down libertarian slants on current events without considering that White libertarians’ social, political, and economic context is NOT the same as their own.

    Don’t get me wrong. There are ideologies that I find emotionally pleasing and attractive that—in terms of how they’ve operated in their REAL WORLD applications—have NOT worked well in terms of women—and especially in terms of Black women. Islam is a good example of that! LOL! So, I do understand the siren song of ideologies that are glittering and beautiful in their idealized state. However, I live in the real world. And I never let myself totally lose sight of how any particular idea is probably going to play out in the real world for ME and for people most like ME (i.e., African-American women).

    The real world catches up with almost everybody at some point. For the libertarians in the house, I would suggest that they read about how one of the main thinkers often cited in support of that ideology, Ayn Rand, found herself needing and USING social security (confirmed) and Medicare (most likely) benefits in her old age. Here and here.
    ____________________________________________

    HR Professional,

    I’m not condemning empathy. However, the manner in which AA women have been brainwashed to allocate empathy is naive, grossly misplaced, and downright disastrous to their own individual interests as women. Let me make it plain:

    The naive AA women who rally around deviants like Ms. Williams-Bolar are increasing their odds of ending up trapped among toxic users, grifters, and thieves like her. Most of the AA women who are crying for other folks need to cry for themselves—they don’t seem to comprehend how vulnerable and isolated from normal, reciprocating social networks they are! And as long as they keep rallying around criminals and deviants like Ms. Williams-Bolar, they’ll remain cut off from normal, healthy social networks in the outer world.

    Many of y’all just don’t get it. AAs have squandered the civil rights movement’s moral authority by invoking it to champion the interests of common criminals. That’s why NOBODY else listens to our cries and laments about racism anymore. We wasted what was left of that civil rights moral currency on worthless individuals like the Jena 6 cretins, Ms. Williams-Bolar, etc.

    At this point, whenever we invoke Rosa Parks’ name, other people’s eyes start to glaze over and they tune us out. The same way they’ll tune you out and put you on the wrong side of a peace wall if you keep rallying around criminals and deviants (including BF criminals and deviants).

    Expect Success!

    • IRockIRoll says:

      I agree. Especially as to “warning signs.” Your clothing is a warning sign. For otehr folks. After reading your previous blog (in 2008), I talked to several friends about the after-effects of having a black president. Specifically, that I would be upping my game in appearance b/c black women would be more scrutinized. They said that was racist. I said, even bankers (who are majority white) are judged on their appearance (especially with clients) on what class aspect they are from and identify with. They laughed in my face, I gave them distance. Cue 2010. I’ve worn JCrew for years. Anthropology, Theory, CK, AK, etc… . Those weren’t unfamiliar items. After Michelle Obama was both lauded and scorned for wearing JCrew, two black women wanted to accompany me on shopping trips. Why? Well, when I had worn JCrew before they laughed and called me bougie, but then realized that LOTS of white folks were watching the First Lady’s wardrobe, and wanted to be part of THAT narrative, not the Ghetto Chicks narrative. Basically, they wanted a nice sweater once they realized that folks who count, want to know that they could connect with you on the everyDAY level.

      Black women were being more scrutinized in certain spaces, and apparently, they (my former friends) realized that if you had an outfit that “labeled” you, they wanted to be on the good side. Even though they had laughed before, they were now feeling the effects of not paying attention. RIGHT NOW, a genuine preppy or put together look would serve you well. READ those beauty posts. That is a Peace Wall breaker RIGHT THERE. Personal dress and conduct is a PEACE WALL breaker! I don’t care if NO ONE tells you to your face, right now, black women are being judged more than ever. There are SOCIAL peace walls going up that I believe MOST black women are not aware of. Period. And at certain events, EVERY OTHER group of women (including just off the boat) is there except for AA women. Some of ya’ll would’a been there, if not for the clothing and public temperament. No other group of women is trying to be “hard”, in countenance or appearance. That’s a clue right there. So as someone in the middle ground, and moving to the top, please be aware that simply by rallying around certain folks, wearing certain clothes PERMANENTLY locks you out of opportunities. You’re being identified by wearing too-tight clothes to work. You’re being identified by wearing too-tight clothes to your daughter’s PTA meeting. You’re being identified by existing period!!! Your clothing DOES identify you.* Notice… Rosa Parks looked respectable… IN HER MUG SHOT. And some of ya’ll are being left out… because you DRESS like you associate with feminine criminals of limited means. You need to NOT identify with these women. At any level.

      • IRockIRoll,

        I 100% cosign. Yes, indeed—the social peace walls are being erected right now. For real. These walls are going up in many different contexts across the board, including right here at this particular blog (this process started on New Year’s Day). Sensible people periodically review all of their networks, and screen out some folks as needed.

        Expect Success!

      • Ms Mellody says:

        You my dear are SO ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!

        I noticed this IMMEDIATE and I mean IMMEDIATE change… Day after the inaguration..all of a sudden I felt “noticed” out in public!!

        I am NOT exaggerating..the next day after inaguration all of a sudden EVERY.SINGLE. WHITE. FEMALE looked me square in the eye, spoke to me, smiled and in general noticed that women who happened to be Black were actual living breathing humans!!

        Your analogy of how you dress is SO VERY true!! Bu the way — I have been an ogler of JCrew, Anthropology and the like ( especially BodenUSA as of late!!) Keep up the good work IRockIRoll!!!

      • Miss Andi K. says:

        Thank you so much for saying this! Please add to the fact that yes, your HAIR, NAILS and SKIN are part of your appearance. And whether you like it or not, there is a reason that the first lady doesn’t wear locks, and she tooks those braids out of Maliah’s hair too. I’m NOT against ethnic styles, but there is a social price to pay for wearing them. Let us not lull ourselves into believing that there isn’t just because its not explicitly stated.

        W. Am. was watching all along, and the Obamas one upped it by being prepared. Please believe that Michelle learned the art of code switching on the lawns of the Ivies.

        • Ali says:

          Andi –

          What ‘social price’ would that be? Other groups are much more enthusiastic about natural hair than black people – in fact it separates you from the weave wearing Niki Minja ghetto types. This is ignorant.

          Ms. Mellody –

          Agree 100% about the clothes, I’ve been saying this for years, on another website I specifically called out Anthropology as a great look for black women:

          http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/question-of-the-week-why-are-white-guys-scared-to-approach-me/

          I can’t believe that black women who go around wearing FUBU and baby phat are shocked when they’re not approached by non-black men, or shrugged off as ghetto by non-blacks in general.

        • Ladies,

          I let one complete rotation (against and for) of the Natural Hair Debate through; and that’s all that I’m going to let through about that topic.

          My observations:

          Nonblacks DON’T care about whether or not Black folks are wearing their hair naturally styled or not. And they haven’t cared about Black folks’ hair since at least the 1980s.

          ALL the drama, social pressure against, and contrived controversy about natural hair has been coming from Black folks for the last 2+ decades. Nobody except Black folks has hang-ups for or against natural hair.

          Whites learned decades ago that natural hair is not political, and does not mean that the person with natural hair has any particular set of beliefs. Natural hairstyles are simply that—hairstyles like any other hairstyles.

          Expect Success!

          • Brenda55 says:

            Agreed. There is a lot of money to be made in Black hair care thus the push/pull between processed and natural. Those who stand to benefit are not always Black by the way.

            That said no matter what the style its good grooming that matters. Wear what flatters you. Most of us knows what cheap and low class looks like stay away from it.

          • ladyeam says:

            Hi Khadijah,

            I want to first thank you for posting the few comments that I have made, thus far, on your blog. It’s an honor to be acknowledged {deep martial arts bow}. I had to do it :).

            I know that you have closed comments on the hair topic, but I just had to let you know that I co-sign 100% with you.

            I currently work for the government and I was hired with dreadlocks. I have had my hair in numerous styles over the years: braids, blown out, and now, a small afro.

            Any flak that I have received about my natural hair has been from other Black people.

          • Ladyeam,

            You’re welcome!

            Expect Success!

      • KM says:

        And to add on to this post, for ladies like me who means are limited, you can find nice clothes styled like J.Crew at stores like Ross, Marshalls, Burlington Coat Factory, and TJ Maxx. It’ll take some searching but they are there.

        If you need to change your wardrobe with baby steps, the first step is to change your sneakers to flats. Or if you can’t give up sneakers completely, move from the newest latest Nikes (which are an indicator of your status and a warning sign in itself) to sneakers like plain or plaid Converses. I’ve noticed a change in how I was treated by just making that slight change in my footwear. (Even though I’m not a hipster, it’s better to be treated as a hipster than as a potential criminal!)

        • IRockIRoll says:

          May I suggest knowing the sales people at those stores? Being a pleasant costumer and asking in advance (in a LADYLIKE way) if there will be future sales can save you a lot of money. I’ve shopped JCrew and Anthro in college, with limited money, and it would cost me the same amount that folks would pay at Marshall’s, etc… . And I LIKE Marshall’s, Ross, etc…, I go there as well to see what is available! I just don’t want ladies to think that they can’t outright afford certain brands, or for some, have the experience of shopping at places that aren’t off-rack.

          I’ve mentored before, and have seen the effects that being able to confidently walk into a JCrew can have on a young woman. I’m not saying I advocate the conditions that made that situation possible. I’m saying I’ve seen the certain self-confidence that can come from someone who never thought that they COULD go to those types of stores. These young girls had gone to discount stores their whole lives. But to get a nice shirt on SALE from JCrew with the same $20 they would have spent on something else, AND be able to identify with well-off kids by knowing where the store is, and how it looks is something that Ross or Marshall’s can’t replicate. I’ve worn name brand quality clothing since I was a child, it really is sometimes knowing about seasonal/regional sales. I own a $200+ jacket that I got for $30 that is cut correctly and always gets compliments. I just shopped the regional sale. And even when you’re on a limited budget sometimes the $10 extra for a dress is worth it, if it will last longer, has higher quality material, and is better tailored to fit. There are times to be penny-wise, but don’t be pound-stupid. I’ve rocked out clothes from the Dollar Store before, but they were mixed in with more refined pieces of clothing. If it is a wardrobe staple, be pound-wise.

    • ak says:

      Khadija:

      Many of y’all just don’t get it. AAs have squandered the civil rights movement’s moral authority by invoking it to champion the interests of common criminals. That’s why NOBODY else listens to our cries and laments about racism anymore. We wasted what was left of that civil rights moral currency on worthless individuals like the Jena 6 cretins, Ms. Williams-Bolar, etc.

      Thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!! When they see you sticking up PUBLICLY for Ar-ruh Kelly and legitimizing his ‘choice of partners’ among the ‘under 16 to 18′ group you know it’s the beginning of the end.

    • Miss Andi K. says:

      I love the info that I pick up here. I had NO idea that Ayn Rand had to utilize public assistance in her latter years.

  4. Dr. Igia says:

    This article is so on point! Simply put its like association brings on assimilation. You don’t have to neccasary associate with these sort of individuals, but if you’re rallying around their causes-it’s as if you have their same distorted values.

    Furthermore, I believe that when BW rally around deviant criminals or the baby mama crew-they eradicate any positive image they may have. Aspiring Sojourners have to be conscious of how they will be perceived if they rally/coddle these deviants.

    Any one who is kinda “old school” or was brought up in that era, knows what I’m talking about. *Warning: Extreme political incorrectness* There are black people and then there are n—-(Ya’ll know what I mean; I apologize for even typing it ). Back then no one wanted to be associated with the n—‘s. These were the people who were uncouth,ignorant,trifling, & ruined our collective image. Don’t believe me? Please think of Lil Wayne, Nene Leakes or watch the 6’o clock news in any metropolitan city.

    With that being said, many of the deviant DBR’s, criminals, and females that are being discussed are n—-. Sojourners must avoid any sort of association with them, b/c despite how noble it may be-it can possibly ruin whatever positive image we may have built for ourselves.

    • Miss Andi K. says:

      Dr. Igia,

      Brava! Political correctness be damned. My mother and grandmother have made it eternally clear that if we are EVER thought to be associating with ‘ninjas’ that we will be disinherited. How’s that for old school?

      The idea is that one family member’s choice to associate with deviants and criminals will NOT be allowed to jeopardize the legacy of the family itself. I’ve learned to disassociate with these types, and proudly look down my nose at the Lil’ Wayne’s of the world. I don’t care how it sounds! After having to go to college with some of them, I learned quickly that we are NOT all created equally, and that some people really are better than others.

      People from afar don’t know the difference between people of color (Sojourners included) and ninjas. So I say steer clear.

      • ladyeam says:

        Dr. Igia,

        Preach! I used to think that there was something wrong with me when I was younger, for a lot of the N—- were repelled by me. As a teenager I wanted to fit in with them. I now know that this was a blessing and a sign. Sojourner’s need to be confident that they are on the right path and that having a good life is what our ancestors wanted for us.

  5. Neecy says:

    I was one of those who had the “emotional” knee jerk reaction to Miss Bolar for her sentencing which I felt was too severe. Sometimes we need an eye opener. And I have had mine. I get the message loud and clear. As BW and people we understand punisihment is going to be far greater for anything we do. THUS, we need to avoid putting ourselves in situations that will garner such punishments. Bottom Line.

    Its true. The patience has far run out from greater society for those who want to eat at the resources that others have worked hard for. Black folks have been playing this game for decades and now the chickens are coming home to roost. The only way for those of us (sojourners) who do not play by those rules to forge ahead is to understand we do have to break the physical and EMOTIONAL ties to those BW and people who are representing the same typical message – that we are going to try to get over as much as possible and when we don’t and have to pay we will rally behind each other using the race card. Those days are long gone. no one cares anymore.

    Especially in this economy and the way things are people have zero patience anymore for Blacks or anyone looking to “get over” by not paying their way (literally and figuratively).

  6. Muse says:

    Khadija,

    I mentioned several months ago in one of your essays that employers and property owners are using legal ways to discriminate and filter out undesirables from the pool of applicants. These days it’s not enough to avoid criminal/deviant behavior. Sojourners have to clearly separate themselves from such associations. You can’t be in two worlds. Ultimately we all have to choose and personally I prefer the good life where I sleep well at night knowing that if I stub a toe nail the police and ambulance will be at my place within two minutes and treat me with respect and dignity. As the saying goes, birds of a feather flock together.

    Within the next few years, the ability to be socially mobile will be cut off to most people. We will see a clear distinction between the haves and have notes by the next generation. The powers that may be are closing the doors because they do not want everyone in the inner circle. This is way education is becoming less affordable and jobs are being eliminated left and right. There will be a permanent underclass who will only be allowed to leave the walls to serve their masters.

    The common man doesn’t realize that there are individuals who have not been impacted at all by the economy. In fact there is a subgroup in society that is thriving despite the world falling apart. Regardless of who is in power or what is going on, this subgroup will always have resources and live will. Sojourners must strive to be part of this network which means you will have to make some hard decisions that appear callous to some on the outside. You will have to leave some people, even family members behind. Taking care of oneself is the BEST gift in the world. For the pseudo-Christian bible thumpers, there are hundreds of scriptures the advise us to avoid bad associations! That’s why when someone tells me they are a Christian in the Western world; I look at how they live and the FRUITS of their life. If your life is a hot mess of destruction and chaos then you are getting the side eye from me. In fact some Christians need to go in the corner and stay quiet. You are an embarrassment to the Most High.

    There is a profound article I think your readers will enjoy about the current trend in wealth and how the true movers and shakers are living.
    http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/01/the-rise-of-the-new-global-elite/8343/

    (Please feel free to delete if this is off topic. I respect your page and I posted this article because I found that it aligns with your message)

    When you read about individuals who are success in their personal and professional lives, RARELY are they associated with shady characters. In fact if one of their associations suffers a fall in their reputation, these individuals are quick to distance themselves from the scandal. Sadly I’ve seen Black women who have done everything right in terms of their education, career, dating life, and finances but lose it all because a bad element in their social circle brought them down. Your associations can make or destroy you.

    I’m all for giving individuals an opportunity for redemption but at a distance and not at my personal expense. I’ve always been this way and have gotten criticism from the Negro Peanut Gallery about my so called self involved behavior. Thank God I have parents who are supportive. My fathers as told me time and time again that he didn’t raise me to be “common” or do “common folks things.” In fact he encourages me to evaluate my circle ever few months. The less in common we have in terms of goals, beliefs, and attitudes, the further this individual is from my sphere of influence. Now that I’m in my late twenties African American people only make up approx.15-20% of my social network. Sadly the more upwardly mobile you become and adopt human norms, the less African American faces you will see. Those are just the facts. I do not foam at the mouth when I hear about Negro males being treated unjustly or throw myself into a fit of rage when Blacks are in the spotlight for their deviant behavior or stupidity. I rather spend my energy on people who WANT help and who are making a concrete effort in their own lives to make changes without trying to run some hustle or scam.

    • Natasia says:

      “You can’t be in two worlds. Ultimately we all have to choose and personally I prefer the good life where I sleep well at night knowing that if I stub a toe nail the police and ambulance will be at my place within two minutes and treat me with respect and dignity.”

      WOW. As an Ethnic Studies student, I really believe that I needed to hear this. Because I was never raised in “the black community”, I never felt that I harbored DBR sentiments, but this comment was really on point. If you want to be a Sojourner, you have to change your WHOLE mentality.
      Thank you for this!

    • Miss Andi K. says:

      Muse,

      I loved your post! How wonderful to realize that there IS room for you at the top, and that in order to get there and stay there, you’ve got to leave ninjas behind. You don’t know how saddening it was to attend certain schools of great prestige in hopes of meeting other Elite POC’s only to find them attempting to imitate rap/hip hop culture.

      I also appreciated what you said about being self-involved. Too bad more BW are not privy to the comfort of the good life and all it brings because they are too busy keeping it real with commoners rather than themselves.

    • SweetIslandGirl says:

      I agree 100%. My brother and I are the only Caribbean Canadians working for a large company (seperate brand divisions)and I think the reason more are not here is because we distingushed ourselves from the beginning as seperate from the masses in every way. I am careful to ensure that the person and image I portray shines only positivity on myself and my brand (I ‘ve believed myself as a brand the moment I graduated university 5 years ago). I smile, talk to everyone, I’m friendly, professional, I dont particpate in gossip, I act and dress professional at all times. So I 100% agree that by making this distinction from the start works to open doors that were previously closed to others. Its so important!

      But dont be surprised when other blacks begin to put you down, and ostricize you for it. I used to hear my father ask me this many times as a child whenever I would complain about the black girls at my high school went out of their way to show how much they hated that I socialized with the non-black kids and was involved in alot of school activities, “when do you ever see an eagle associaing a with turkey?”.

      Though I am not American I do no believe Canada is immune one bit to the realities of whats happening around the world. I have started thinking seriously about what I’m seeing in the news as of late in Egypt, Tunisia, Greece and the US. I’ve begun actively researching other passive streams of income to supplement my main stream, I am researching the affluent circles and trying to figure out how I can forge a recipracle relationship with them, I’m starting to cut back on spending ( I dont need anymore shoes or boots) and focusing on saving and becoming more self reliant instead. I see the writing on the wall.

      • SweetIslandGirl,

        From what I hear from my sources in Canada, many of the same dynamics are currently playing out there. From what I’ve been told:

        (1) Lots of West Indians came to Canada in the 1980s and 1990s. Large numbers of Africans came there in the early 2000s.

        (2) Far too many of the West Indians who came showed their rear ends, and the criminals and deviants among them brought their 3rd world slum behaviors to Canada. And the immigrant West Indian criminals/deviants have been “face-ty” in their bad behavior as guests in Canada. [Hat tip to AK for my borrowing of the “face-ty” terminology. {chuckling}]

        (3) Since Canada is seemingly a much more polite society than the U.S., they’ve started quietly cracking down, and restricting the numbers of West Indians allowed to even temporarily enter the country on visitors’ visas.

        (4) So, apparently, even decent West Indian relatives of current Caribbean-Canadians who want to visit have been increasingly denied visitor’s visas. And when they apply for permanent residency, the Canadian government politely buries them in endless paperwork. They do this instead of quickly saying “No” up front. Again, they’re a much more polite society than the US. But the end result is the same—increasing numbers of these folks are apparently being denied entry (even temporary entry) into Canada.

        Oh well…this sort of thing is what happens when folks wear out their welcome. Or, in the case of AAs, use up their civil rights moral currency.

        Expect Success!

        • SweetIslandGirl says:

          Dead on Khadija! Dead on!

          There was a report that came out 2 months ago regarding Canada’s new immigration restrictions on Blacks from the West Indies.

          A lot of people quickly tried to write it off as false and justify their reasoning behind the stereotype that Canada is not racist like their US counterparts(their words not mine).

          In the report it stated that the Canadian government initially allowed West Indians to come into the country in hopes that their children would get an education and enter into fields that would contribute to the overall growth of the country. But instead their majority of their children (males in particular)got involved in criminal activity, congregated in bad neighbourhoods and increased the city’s crime rate.

          Now Canada has closed its immigration doors to West Indians and are now actively processing appplications from countries like India and China because their children (often first generation Canadian born to immigrant Canadian parents)have gone on to become doctors, lawyers, engineers etc.

          I think I am lucky (as well as my brother)to be first generation Canadian. There is a woman at my mothers church who has been waiting for her immigration application to be approved for the past 5 years. She works cash only jobs and worries all the time that she will be sent back to Grenada at a moments notice.

          Once again. You are bang on!

          • Miss Andi K. says:

            What an interesting phenomena! The gates/doors are ever-a-closing! But, Island Girl, it sounds like you and your brother know better and have gotten off on the right foot.

            As for the ignorant HS girls who were mad at your innate intolerance for their, ahem, fuquery- who cares?! Where are they now? Exactly. These same characters who fought so vehemently to “keep it real” now work at the local Wal-Mart, Mc D’s, and fast-food joint.

            I am not at all sorry that I learned to distance myself and make friends with other young people who were headed places who happened to be multi-ethnic/racial/cultural. And now, a few degrees later, I am SO glad I had a set of parents who didn’t play that mess and did not allow us to choose our friends as much as we’d liked. Because now, those connections are paying off. I think that’s what you’re experiencing. Cheers to you! Enjoy it!!! :-D

        • SweetIslandGirl,

          You said, Now Canada has closed its immigration doors to West Indians and are now actively processing appplications from countries like India and China because their children (often first generation Canadian born to immigrant Canadian parents)have gone on to become doctors, lawyers, engineers etc.”

          Letting so many Indians and Chinese in will create a different sort of problem in Canada.

          Given the opportunity, both of these groups will totally overrun Canada and ultimately make that country totally unrecognizable AND hostile to White Canadians. This is what the Mexicans and Cubans have done in the parts of the US that they’ve been allowed to overrun. In terms of the South Asians, just look at how they’ve overrun the UK. Oh, well—thank goodness that’s not my issue to worry about.

          I’m happy that you and your family got in before the silent curtain started coming down.

          My main point is that doors are closing all over. NOW is the time for any BW who wants to survive and thrive to position herself in productive, reciprocating social circles.

          Expect Success!

          • SweetIslandGirl says:

            Amen! You are in my head Khadija when it comes to potential problem of having too many Asians and South Asians in Canada.

            Anyone from my city can tell you the Tamil gangs are no joke! A few years ago they were taking their violent feuds to the streets and killing each other in broad daylight for all to see. Any group that will do that is a serious problem.

            The Triads…well I will leave it at that.

            Miss Andi K

            Thank you! My dad screened my brothers music collection our whole life and as a result (there is a significant age gap between us) I listened to alternative and rock music which allowed me to temporarily fly under my dads radar (he soon started screening that too). My mother wouldnt let just anybody call the house and ask for me, boy or girl nor allow anyone to come visit the house.

            In your childs formative years its imperative you lay the foundation firm and strong so that they will have the right values instilled in them so they become productive members of society.

            I love these discussions. Last yer I went on a vacay with my then rainbeau man. We stayed part of the trip with his sister in a up and coming soon to be gated community. 90% of the construction was done but there were plans to add a security gate and shopping amenities.

            It felt great and most importantly safe. When I got back to Canada I couldnt stop thinking about the benefits of living in a gated community that had everything I needed including safety.

        • Palmwater says:

          Your analysis of the Canadian situation is right on! Gone are the days when I can remember fondly Carribean doctors, lawyers and other professionals. Now West Indians are primarily associated with single mother parenting and criminality.

          In fact I’ve seen several comedy shows act out skits where a flight from Jamaica is considered a code blue at Pearson Airport!

          Whenever people hear about a shooting in Toronto, most assume the criminals are Jamaican, or possibly Somali, or Tamil (but mostly Jamaican).

          Personally, I’m desensitized to black male shooting victims. It may seem awful but I refuse to provide support or waste time sympathizing with criminals. These same criminals don’t provide any support to black women and girls. Often times I say good riddance to predators!

          As you mentioned Canada has closed its doors to West Indians. This lead to opening the doors to large numbers of non assimilating Chinese, East Indians as well as Middle Easterners.

          However, many white Canadians are starting to get fed up with the West, East and South Asians! Whites are starting to realize the racist and clannish ways of these groups.

          There’s a storm coming and it’s coming fast! It’s best to be prepared!

          • SweetIslandGirl says:

            Are you from Toronto? Because what you said is exactly whats happening!

            I started slowly reading BWE blogs last year. I started ourt with Sarah’s Inter-racial Blog ( I love her insight) and a few others once and a while and I would think, “wow, I’m so glad I live in Canada and we dont have these types of activities. I’m ok up here” till I started taking a closer look and realized its indeed here and its not ok.

            You said:

            Personally, I’m desensitized to black male shooting victims. It may seem awful but I refuse to provide support or waste time sympathizing with criminals. These same criminals don’t provide any support to black women and girls. Often times I say good riddance to predators!

            I thought I was the only one who felt this way.

            There was a African man whose drug dealing son was murdered in his living room. He came on tv and shocked the city when he proclaimed good riddance to his DBR son who was out of control, selling drugs out of his house, and bullying his parents into submission. I remember the look on the detectives face as he stood at the press conference and congratulated the father for his bravery to come forward and make a statement like that; he hoped that other parents would begin to be honest with themselves about their criminal children’s behaviour. I clapped in my living room and my mother knodded in approval.

            I’m so glad that we can talk about how this too is a problem in Canada. I hope any Canadian BW who are lurking on this blog asking themselves if they too should be concerend about these issues (like I was in the past) will see that yes this is also a problem in Canada. We are not immune to the Age of Turmoil just because we live north of the border. Its happening here too. We have to take our heads out of the sand and beging to take the right steps before its too late.

      • pioneervalleywoman says:

        Greetings, SweetIslandGirl!

        I have not lived in Canada, but I have family and other connections there–I’m AA but of Afro-Caribbean descent.

        I could see exactly what you are talking about in Montreal about 15 years ago, on an occasion when I was visiting.

        I was on the train reading the local French-speaking newspaper, and I was near some Jamaican Canadians, who were talking in admiration about the dance-hall/ghetto-fabulous styles of their Jamaican-American cousins living in NYC. I was secretly amused, since I know that in NYC, that was not admired by the mainstream.

        Yet, the ironic thing is that they could see me reading a French-language newspaper, and they were giving me the side eye!

        Beyond anything, I know, and their response indicated their limited perspectives. I know that many immigrants to Quebec are required to learn French. Did I remind them of something they resent?

        Did being able to read French make me an “other,” for example, Haitian or French-speaking African? Or could I just be a cosmopolitan English-speaking Canadian fluent in both of the country’s national languages?

        So I’m not surprised at what you are describing here.

        • SweetIslandGirl says:

          I’m not surprised by your interaction with those women. Lets just say I’ve been getting the “side eye” from Jamaicans my whole life.

          Continue to seperate yourself and expand your horizons. I signed up for dance classes in my city to meet new people and experience something new. I expect to be the only black woman there but I dont mind. I also bought expensive skates and went skating because I love it even though many DBRBW and BM gave me the side eye and/or thought it was ok to point out that skating was not a “black activity”. As if I was asking for their approval.

          I dont limit myself to what the CBC (Caribbean Black COmmunity) defines as acceptable social activities and I suggest you dont either. I’m Canadian and if it looks fun and interesting I’m going to do it. Period.

          Its hard sometimes, but stand on your own if you have to in order to expand your experiences and social circles. I’m currently studying spanish and when I’m done that I will go back to learning french (when I studied both, if you asked me a question in french I’d answer in spanish and vice versa)

          • Palmwater says:

            SweetIslandGirl, yup I’m from Toronto! It’s great to meet a fellow Canadian that understands that many of the issues BWE bloggers discuss apply to us as well.

            We are not immune to DBRs their supporters, or even cultural indoctrination!

          • Robynne says:

            I’ve heard about the tegereg (ghetto)antics of some of the Jamaicans in Canada as well.I have family there too, but thank goodness, they are not tegeregs. It’s easier generally to emigrate to Canada, so I’m not surprised you see more of the uneducated riff raff there than in the US, which generally favours more educated, upwardly mobile applicants for visa approvals (unless they married someone from the US – in that case, it’s easier for dbr’s to slip through the net).I know if I had DBR tendencies there is no way I would be here now. LOL. It’s pathetic though that they had to take their inner-city tegeregisms to a host country, making it harder for those with some sense. Idiots.

          • Miss Andi K. says:

            Sweet Island Girl,

            I know the feeling. I do Ballet and Barre to stay fit, and am the only ethnic woman there. I’ve been laughed at by ignant (YES, ignant), co-workers when they learn that this is my hobby. However, it was one of the things that snagged by current beau. He loved that I was “into different things” (though I don’t think its so different).

            Keep doing you, and you’ll see how diversifie social activities are worth their weight in gold.

            Related Side Note: Also, because many of these activities are so “unique”, they tend to be hosted in upscale and/or affluent communities which open up even more opportunities for strategic networking and social interactions. ;-)

    • Brenda55 says:

      Great post and very much on point. I had a recent conversation with my 80 year old father re. the state of the BC.

      He left his old neighborhood to raise us in a better one. He also told me that I had relatives I had never met. He was called “hinkty”(sp) i.e. a snob for not wanting to associate with them. He told me those relatives are still back there, living the same life with the same struggles. He did not want that life. Not for him, my Mom or us kids.

      That is is how Black men used to do. Make a better way for their families. But you notice the same name calling dynamic in play with my father’s story. He stuck to his guns. I benefited from his resolve. Sojourners are working to make a better way for themselves and their families. The is worth enduring what ever foolishness is thrown at your from the DBR’s out there.

      • Miss Andi K. says:

        Agreed 100%, add to this that the “old-school” BC used to ENFORCE education. It wasn’t an option. Our parents knew better than to even consider dropping out or not going to college or at least learning a viable trade. Your dad is a smart man, and it sounds like its really set you up for success.

        Random sidebar: Interesting to hear other cultural terms for “snob”…

  7. joyousnerd says:

    I’m sorry to say it, but I too have noticed that many participants in BWE discussions have not deprogrammed themselves completely yet. I honestly wish these BW well, but the hour is late to still be grappling with these basic issues. Everyone has their slip-ups; I caught myself socializing online with the living dead just last week- trying to talk sense into walking corpses. I have redoubled my efforts to steer clear of zombies.

    However, there are lots of BW who must not TRULY understand some basic facts:

    – NO ONE cares about BW’s laments. Please stop whining about this fact! Nobody cares when you whine about folks not listening to you whine! Stop suggesting we march on D.C. Just stop with repeating things that won’t work, and focus on doing what will help you to live well.

    – The cavalry IS coming– to lock black folks up behind peace walls. There won’t be any assistance for BW- apart from the heads up we give one another and the escape plans we share. So please let’s save ourselves, individually, now. Please stop interrupting the life-saving escape plans to grump about how messed up it is that we need to flee a burning building. We already know the building is on fire. Either escape or burn to death, but don’t complain in EITHER case.

    – The quality of your life will in large measure be determined by the quality of your husband. FIND him. You are getting older every.single.day. so what are you waiting for? If you say you know this, then why are you not hunting down that quality man to marry? He won’t bust through your bedroom wall like the Kool-Aid man.

    I could go on. These basic principles have already been broken down 6 ways from Sunday here and on other BWE blogs. So if you know, why not ACT like you know?

    I know we all slip up from time to time but in 2011 a savvy BW needs to be on the ball and looking forward.

    A single slip can RUIN your life. For example, you know you should not associate with indoctrinated BW who bring DBRs into your sphere. In some states, the driver of a vehicle is legally responsible for all the contents of the car. If you are driving your BW friend somewhere and she stuffs the weapon or drugs her DBRBM boyfriend had her carrying under the seat… guess what? YOU will be the felon. YOU will be the one who can’t get a job, or even apply for that overseas position. YOU will be the one bearing the cross for that mistake.

    The warning sirens have been clanging for years, it’s time to act like you know.

    • JoyousNerd,

      {standing ovation}

      I 100% cosign.

      I think there’s a difference between “backsliding” by making futile efforts to talk sense to Black zombies, versus chanting parts of the AA Zombie Anthem (“Never Hold Any Black Person Accountable For Anything They Choose To Do”) oneself.

      In any event, the hour is VERY late for anybody to still be caught up in “new school” AA mass self-defeating thinking.

      Expect Success!

      • Miss Andi K. says:

        Amen Joyous Nerd. But then again, I tend to agree with most of what you say. But, with regards to the hour being VERY late, you are right. How many times do you try to wake a zombie before you find yourself being eaten alive by the same zombie?

        I tell myself this daily when working in mental health with these types. I realize that I MIGHT make a difference in 10% of the lives I touch, but that all 100% are getting my best effort. One can only lead them to water, you cannot make them drink.

    • vonnie says:

      “He won’t bust through your bedroom wall like the Kool-Aid man.” i am too gone after that comment….*the choir starts singing, casket is lowered*

      Thanks for the biggest laugh of my day at the imagery of that!

    • ak says:

      This true. I’d rather be a sad, unpopular person only hanging out with myself than hang out with DBRs, whether they’re relatives or not (although they’re not), nor in DBR neighborhoods. Trust me I don’t need to be told.

    • marielle says:

      “A single slip can RUIN your life.”

      Absolutely true! My cousin graduated from college, came home went shopping with her DBR friend from high school and was arrested for shoplifting because her friend stole something and she was with her. She recovered beautifully, by marrying a dermatologist, starting her own business and purchasing rental properties. But it could have been life ruining, and it certainly limited her options. She told me that the situation forced her to do things that she wouldn’t have done otherwise that left her better off, but still.

      Anyway, from her I learned that no matter what mistakes you make or what terrible things happen to you, recovery is everything. She recovered and then some. Those damaged people could recover, repair and improve their lives if they had her determination to do so instead of waiting on someone else to fix things for them!

      You said, “The quality of your life will in large measure be determined by the quality of your husband.”

      Also absolutely true. I am a SAHM living a comfortable life in a great neighborhood because I married the right man. My life is easy (like it should be) because I married well.

    • {temporarily dipping back into the conversation}

      Ladies,

      WARNING: Every woman MUST have and maintain her OWN sources of money; and a way to make it even if something happens to (or with) her husband. Remember Debra Dickerson. I’m not talking about continuing to work a job (from which one can be laid off at any moment). As always, I’m talking about self-generated income streams.

      Self-generated income streams that you maintain even while being rescued and whisked away into better surroundings by a quality man; and even while being a stay at home wife and mother (if being a SAHM is what you want to do).

      Ladies, please remember that you’re speaking to other AA women. This means you’re speaking to an ethnic group of women who have NO safety nets to catch them if something goes wrong. NO safety nets to catch them if their quality husband gets a debilitating, financially ruinous chronic health problem. NO safety net if their husband divorces them. Unlike the (presumably White) woman who wrote Regrets of a Stay at Home Mother, the vast majority of AA women have NO safety nets at all to fall back on.

      Let me emphasize that I’m not in any way trying to discourage women from focusing on “The Man Plan.” The Man Plan is a good one—one that’s been proven to work for women throughout human history. My point of concern is that AAs have a track record of jumping from frying pans out into open flames. Furthermore, large numbers of AA women have been programmed to twist everything around into something dysfunctional. For example, I was disgusted to see so many AA women redefine “Alpha male” into something dysfunctional.

      I was disgusted to see that far too many AA women failed to apply a common sense understanding of that term. Meaning a man who is in a dominant position relative to other normal men in terms of his ability to provide for a family, AND who is dominant enough to protect his Black wife from bad behavior from racist relatives and former friends of his—unlike comedian Sunda Croonquist’s weakling of a husband, who is a good provider, but was too weak to nip his mother’s bad behavior toward his wife in the bud. He let that bad behavior go on and escalate to the point that his mother, brother and sister felt comfy enough to sue HIS wife.

      So, instead of using a common sense interpretation of “Alpha man” as consisting of roughly the top 20%-25%-30% of men (if one simply has to assign a numerical value on a qualitative trait), a number of confused BW took that to mean that they should shift from their previous focus on the bottom 3% of men (DBRBM) to seeking the top 3% of nonblack men. Which is crazy. And is yet another reminder to me that I can’t assume prudence or common sense on the part of a large chunk of the reading audience. This is why I often end up suggesting that confused readers use Asian women’s choices as a barometer. Everyday Asian women (not the Asian female supermodels) tend to seek out the top 30% of men when they marry non-Asian men.

      Please keep in mind that many AA women’s IQs drop 50 points whenever they hear ANY message that’s contrary to their mammy programming. Some of them suffer these drastic IQ drops even when they think they’re in support of the unfamiliar message. You can’t assume that the majority will read with prudence and common sense. They’ll take your message of how getting a quality man will solve most of a woman’s material concerns, and twist it into “I don’t need to have any type of back-up plan at all regarding my financial security.”

      It’s tiresome to have to keep the clueless and the confused in mind when speaking about tips and techniques for abundant living; but it’s often necessary—most AA women, including the clueless ones, have NO safety nets. {long sigh}

      Expect Success!

      • marielle says:

        I am from an upper middle class family and sometimes I forget that the average AA woman’s situation is unlike mine. Not only do I own income property, I have my own savings, retirement accounts and a Master’s degree. I also freelance from time to time to keep my resume fresh and my name out there should I need to get a job, or more steady work. And of course there’s disability and life insurance.

        • {temporarily dipping back into the conversation}

          Marielle,

          I’ve observed that, unfortunately, large chunks of the reading audience WON’T automatically mentally “fill in the blanks” that you mentioned in your reply when you said:

          Not only do I own income property, I have my own savings, retirement accounts and a Master’s degree. I also freelance from time to time to keep my resume fresh and my name out there should I need to get a job, or more steady work. And of course there’s disability and life insurance.

          A prudent woman will infer all of that sort of back-up positioning as being part of any Man Plan, but many Clueless About Anything That’s Contrary To Their Prior Programming AA women won’t make that inference. So, these sorts of (what should be) common sense, self-preservation details often have to be explicitly said out loud. Otherwise, a lot of AA women will hurt themselves with the Man Plan, along with any other plan that falls outside the “Save Alla My People,” “Sista Soldier/Race Woman/Mule”, or “Black Love” paradigms. {sigh}

          Expect Success!

      • Miss Andi K. says:

        Khadija,
        “Ladies, please remember that you’re speaking to other AA women. This means you’re speaking to an ethnic group of women who have NO safety nets to catch them if something goes wrong.”

        ^^^which is exactly why I cannot interact with women, let alone AA women,, who don’t have a safety net. Because as soon as you start working on reinforcing yours there is drama. I don’t have time to teach other women how to come up when they are stuck in a deficit mentality.

        It is imperative that we learn to surround ourselves with abundance. Abundant people, places, things and ideas. So- if someone isn’t contributing to my agenda (self-preservation), I don’t have anything for them.

      • tertiaryanna says:

        “They’ll take your message of how getting a quality man will solve most of a woman’s material concerns, and twist it into “I don’t need to have any type of back-up plan at all regarding my financial security.”

        It’s a lot of pressure on a man to think that if he weren’t there, the wife didn’t have the work ethic or fiscal savvy to take care of herself. That pressure causes stress in a marriage, and a prudent man will be cautious of a woman who can’t do without him. Especially a man who grew up in the post-“good job” era, where they’ve seen their parents deal with layoffs, cutbacks and a faltering economy.

        Men’s financial outlook doesn’t typically fall when they become husbands and fathers. Not so with women, so if she starts out with the attitude that money issues aren’t important now that she has him, it just makes the situation worse.

        The men whom I’ve known that are the sole or primary providers STARTED with a financial plan that included the wife’s contribution, and included aggressive savings for both spouses. The expectation on the women was so much higher than if they’d planned to live off of two incomes.

        The goal was to make sure both people had maxed their earning and educational potential before the planned income cut.

        So that was two people working extra, and scrimping to create a nest egg or to pay off debt. Only until that was achieved did they decide to have one spouse be the main breadwinner. Also, that situation was typically only for a short period of time, like the pre and elementary school days of their children. Not for the entire post-marriage life.

        That meant that the wives came into the situation with their financial houses in order. Or was willing to aggressively work to get there in short order. Also, they had the skills or education to go back to work if she wanted or needed to. The SAHM or SAHW that I’ve known have come to the table with some security or some serious work ethic.

        There are men who don’t care if a wife has that, and couples who don’t think about it, but I worry about the power imbalance when one partner has nothing to fall back upon. Life can be tricky, and hard times come.

        But the neo-old-school men I’ve known have anticipated that by encouraging women to be as financially solid as they can be, as early as they can be. That way their financial decisions are a matter of choice, not of lack of options.

        The attitude that it’s unnecessary to plan because he will isn’t (IMO) shared by the good catches.

        • SweetIslandGirl says:

          I agee with this 100% I’d also like to add that for those women loking to plug into the man plan that independence in a woman i.e her own money, good credit, a handle on her finances is very attratctive to a man who is looking for a quality woman to some day call his wife.

          It benefits both parties in the relationship. Therefore working on having investments, second streams of income will always work in your favor whether you are looking for a QLL man or are in a relationship (or married) with one.

  8. pioneervalleywoman says:

    YMB and Khadija:

    Modern AAs have not only insulted their memories with this mess, they have also gutted the legacy of the Civil Rights Movement. AAs have done an outstanding PR job in terms of convincing the world that our values are protecting and coddling criminals, underachievement and disruption in school, vulgarity as an art form, and bastardy and solo-parenting as the preferred family structure. No other group is embracing and promoting these values. No other group places a priority on nurturing the cancerous growths within their group rather than removing them with vigilance.

    My observation:

    And one thing I found striking, were the hints around the edges of the conversation of what has sounded like the old “acting white” thing (used against normal black people who can survive and thrive), and invoking discussions of something irrelevant to the whole conversation–“white privilege” as explaining why other people could live in communities with good neighborhood schools and why this could be used as justification/explanation for what the bf criminal did.

    Of course, white privilege exists, and there are obvious cases of white privilege and racism, but we also have to look at those cases where white privilege might not be the most direct explanation of what is going on.

    Earlier generations of AA lived the experience of white privilege most directly, yet they survived and thrived under the most difficult of circumstances. Yet, AA today can seem to use the “white privilege” argument as a cop-out…

    And that is another problem of a post civil rights mindset which has resulted in AA losing currency and high ground in this post-civil rights era.

    • PioneerValleyWoman,

      You said, “And one thing I found striking, were the hints around the edges of the conversation of what has sounded like the old “acting white” thing (used against normal black people who can survive and thrive), and invoking discussions of something irrelevant to the whole conversation–”white privilege” as explaining why other people could live in communities with good neighborhood schools and why this could be used as justification/explanation for what the bf criminal did.”

      Oh yeah, I caught that too. There was a LOT of “new school,” self-defeating cultural baggage floating around the edges of that conversation. Let’s see, there were sotto voce hints of:

      (1) the “acting White” sort of thinking—that any Black person who doesn’t automatically sympathize with a Black thief like Ms. Williams-Bolar is trafficking in anti-Black “stereotypes” that were first promoted by Ronald Reagan (of all people—LOL!);

      (2) the dysfunctional, up-from-the-hood-striver-type of fixation on worrying about and condemning “people looking down on us/me” (which is something that born and bred middle class AAs don’t care or worry about—in fact, that whole “looking down on us/me” fixation marks a person as an insecure striver);

      (3) the “they’re not so great—what about White privilege” emotional compensation for explaining away the fact that: (a) other people have nice communities and schools because they MAKE them nice and work to KEEP them nice. And that (b) Blacks are apparently mostly incapable of doing the same. Black folks use this “they’re not so great—what about White privilege” as an emotional salve for explaining away our mostly INFERIOR results. Nobody else is fooled, including not the Asian and Latino immigrants who are moving forward despite the same White privilege.

      PioneerValleyWoman, I applaud your patience in even trying to dialogue about all of that. I saw all of the above undertones in a number of the comments in the previous conversations, and I just couldn’t address that mess. At this late date, I’m exasperated with that type of mess, and I can’t trust myself to use at least a minimal amount of diplomacy when dealing with it. So, I just left it alone, for the most part. As Joyous Nerd remarked, the hour is LATE. Very late for folks to be caught up in that sort of thinking.

      Expect Success!

      • ak says:

        Khadija:

        Nobody else is fooled, including not the Asian and Latino immigrants who are moving forward despite the same White privilege.

        Exactly.

  9. Ms Mellody says:

    Khadija– Great doesnt even begin to sum up the “urgency” I can literally hear in your words…

    You know I have REALLY been giving these “peace walls” a thought..throughout the last few weeks. It dawned on me today after reading a few messages from my condo board association, that peace walls can be any of the following;

    1. The walls/designated areas that surround a country club; do you not know that “country club living” is in effect a form of a ‘peace wall’?! When you have the kind of resources to live within the “walls” of a country club – this would definitely be considered a form of -keeping out the riff raff!

    My idea here is that more communities are going to begin building golf clubs, resort areas, or activity retreats so that they can then build within the designated boundaries of said retreat – condos,townhomes etc.

    2. Gated Communities – the literal definition of a “peace wall”. You and I (directed to all the readers here) have all had an opportunity to drive through areas of our perspective cities/burbs and we have seen the “gated communities”.And my hat is off to any reader – if you do happen to live within a “gated community” , I am sure you can readily agree that there is an inherent feeling of safety that comes along with living there.

    We all know that the gates are not patrolled by rabid, snarling dogs and armed guards up on a citadel. No – these quiet, rolling green hills of gated communities have a sentry of sort sitting in a two lane drive road, he will stop you at the gate and call whomever you are there to visit…the gate is there for all to see, and to remind anyone who just happens to drive up that your presence will be noted, you will NOT be allowed to enter until you are granted access.

    I say all of this to point out that there WILL definitely be an increase in the years to come of suburban counties rallying together to build peace walls. I really believe that this will be done through lobbying efforts, through communities getting together and VOTING on the matter.
    Voting on whether they would like to become a “gated community”..and let’s face it “gated community” has a posh sound to it… and pretty soon I just believe communities are going to throw up gates – as in one suburb will join with another suburban area and lobby their state rep’s, senators, congressman–so that as a collective they then can take whatever steps necessary to LEGALLY limit access to residential areas.

    Just my thoughts on the subject. Again thank you Khadija for these essays.

    • Muse says:

      There are already tools in place that keep certain types of individuals from moving into some residential areas, condos, and apartment buildings. For example Jay-Z can’t live in certain parts of New York’s elite buildings because of his assocations and scumb bag, drug dealer, woman abuser past.

      • Miss Andi K. says:

        I remembered reading this! And I am sure he tried his darndest to buy his way in. Sometimes I truly believe he started associating with certain people just to be able to get into the places he is allowed into now. But, once a ninja, always a ninja.

        • SweetIslandGirl says:

          I wonder if its human nature or laziness but AA history has proven that if a deviant “cleans” up his image, takes on eloquent speech and noble aquaintances all prior bad behaviour and criminal involvement is forgotten. He is now a “changed” man.

          Its interesting to see that with all his money he stil cant buy what could amount to the worlds biggest eraser in the history of mankind to erase the mysogenistic, sexists and self destructive lifestyle that he once promoted. It still cant gain him access to certain circles.

          This should be noted as a lesson that no matter how savvy a deviant is in his criminal activity or how long he has gone without consequence, anything gained by wrong means wont net you your desired end.

          • Karen says:

            The fact is that while most AA’s are quick to have “amnesia” about the transgressions of AA BMs, the rest of the population does not.

            This is why he will NEVER be allowed into certain areas and rightly so.

      • I love to watch that show Selling New York on HGTV. (I have no intention of ever living in that city, but love beautiful architecture and design.) The screening process is absolutely brutal, and it’s not all about money. There have been other celebrities who couldn’t buy their way in, either. If you’re not “our kind of people” you’re not getting in, period.

        • Miss Andi K. says:

          Oh yes, I recall reading a bio about Madonna in which her brother publicly laughed at her for not being accepted by the UES Manhattan community she so desperately sought entrance into.

          To date, I believe John Lennon was the only one they let in, and even THAT was a point of contention. Supposedly Yoko Ono helped change their minds.

    • Miss Andi K. says:

      And thank G-d for them! It is a pleasure living this way while in my parent’s house, and I urge everyone to invest the time and monies into doing so!

      Even if you are renting; choose an apartment community with a gated entrance and a strict visitor policy. I am always pleased when I have to go through rigorous checks to get into a community, cause I know that not just anyone is living there, as I am still in the renting phase of life myself. :-)

      • T says:

        As am I. I recently visited a new apartment community and inquired about rental requirements. The property manager explained their process for reviewing applications: a criminal check, a reference check, a credit check, employment verification..the standard “checks” to ensure that they are renting to high-quality people. I think they use a system similar to e-verify to immediately screen applicants and weed out those who do not meet their criteria.

    • Queenie23 says:

      Hello Ms. Mellody.Some of the neighboring cites near me have curfews. They actually have police officers guarding the streets at night. No one but residents are allowed to drive threw certain areas at night. My brother has a friend who lives in a gated community near the poconos in PA. It’s beautiful.(watch out for the deers though) I’d like to live in a gated community. We had to wait at the gate for him to come and give his approval because we did not live there. The security guy made copies of our I.D.s and everything. I felt very safe there.

  10. YMB says:

    Khadija,
    The comments were closed on the last post before I had a chance to say you are quite welcome for the post and I’m honored that you used it.

    I hope all of the BW reading get clear on this message and start thinking critically before throwing their lot in with every random black person in trouble.

  11. Dr. Igia,

    Even small children understand the meaning of “Birds of a feather flock together.” In the real world, people don’t expend the mental energy of trying to figure out all the possible, nuanced reasons why some Black person is supporting a Black criminal or deviant.

    They’ll simply do the common sense shorthand of guessing that it’s because the cheerleader is a criminal or deviant too. And then they will keep that cheerleader at arms’ length (or further away from them).
    ____________________________________________

    Neecy,

    You said, “Especially in this economy and the way things are people have zero patience anymore for Blacks or anyone looking to “get over” by not paying their way (literally and figuratively).”

    Yes, indeed. In a booming economy where there’s plenty to go around, folks are a bit more patient with grifters and thieves. But that little bit of patience flies out the window when people are fearful about where their next meal is coming from.

    A deviant who’s a scam artist or a thief in that economic context will be treated with the same “no mercy” attitude that was used for pirates a few centuries ago. In fact, I expect some of those “no quarter for pirates” sort of sayings to come back into vogue (such as “Hang ‘em high” and “Walk the plank…”).
    ______________________________________________

    Muse,

    You said, “I mentioned several months ago in one of your essays that employers and property owners are using legal ways to discriminate and filter out undesirables from the pool of applicants. These days it’s not enough to avoid criminal/deviant behavior. Sojourners have to clearly separate themselves from such associations. You can’t be in two worlds. Ultimately we all have to choose and personally I prefer the good life where I sleep well at night knowing that if I stub a toe nail the police and ambulance will be at my place within two minutes and treat me with respect and dignity.”

    Exactly.
    ________________________________________________

    Ms Mellody,

    You’re welcome! And yes, increasing numbers of decent and nice communities are going to explore various techniques for keeping undesirables OUT.

    Expect Success!

  12. To The Reader Whose Comment I Deleted,

    I deleted it because it’s not really relevant here. It seems that most of the BWE audience members know better than to rally around criminal and deviant Black men.

    The problem is that they still want to rally around, cheerlead, and lift up criminal, deviant, and freakish Black women. For just one example, women from every other ethnic group know better than to rally around and lift up the freakish “Octomom” types from among their collectives. AA women (and other similarly situated Western BW) still haven’t gotten that particular memo.

    Expect Success!

    • Miss Andi K. says:

      Amen to this! You ought to hear the sidebar comments they have about the Octomom’s and Angelina Jolie’s of the world. I cringe when I hear women defending female philanderers and cheaters (hello Alicia Keys and Fantasia).

      Another interesting thing is how WM respond when they’ve been caught doing wrong, they may try to settle out of court, but their first reaction tends to be “how can I pay to make this go away as fast as I can?” While BM are thinking more about how to turn it into a racial issue; I think it is because there is this underlying mental sickness around the expectation that there is some community that will defend deviants.

      • MissAndiK.,

        You said, “Another interesting thing is how WM respond when they’ve been caught doing wrong, they may try to settle out of court, but their first reaction tends to be “how can I pay to make this go away as fast as I can?” While BM are thinking more about how to turn it into a racial issue; I think it is because there is this underlying mental sickness around the expectation that there is some community that will defend deviants.”

        The difference is that WM know that there won’t be a mass public atmosphere of sympathy for them if they abandon their paternal responsibilities. The overall mass White American collective believes that WW and White children should be protected and provided for.

        The AA collective does NOT hold similar beliefs regarding BW and Black children. According to new-school AA values, it’s perfectly okay for BM to refuse to support their offspring; and for BW and Black children to live in hunger and poverty.

        Expect Success!

        • Miss Andi K. says:

          Khadija,

          Another great insight. I’ll add to it, that I get the impression that WW don’t play that mess and WM know it. WW don’t sit by and defend WM’s shenanigans. I recall reading an article about an Enron wife who’d sued her husband for child support after divorcing him AND getting palimony, and she was totally unapologetic. I recall reading it and thiking, “now THAT’s gangsta!” LOL.

          New-School AA women can take notes on what their white female counterparts do. As the Black wife in the film ‘White Man’s Burden’ so aptly put it, “Talk is cheap, and Palimony is expensive; so you’d better do the right thing, honey.” :-D

          P.S. And I’m certain she had a separate bank acct.

  13. Miss Andi K. says:

    In short I’ll say this, my mother always warned us to make our voices heard with our checkbooks. The easiest way to demand social change is to Start/Stop spending your monies on things that are not in direct alignment with your personal values and agenda. Williams-Bolar should have first identified her values (education and utilizing public assistance), then chosen to analyze how the two could or would further her personal agenda.

    The more I hear and read about her and other deviants, I think that there is a strong spirit of entitlement within low-SES communities. This idea that someone with money owes you something is bunk, and needs to be shut down. And oh, is that day coming! Williams-Bolar should have instead been saving her money so that she could uproot and relocate to a community that was not downtrodden and destitute. Instead, she found a loophole. I won’t be so arrogant as to say I never found a few myself, but I never had the nerve to get angry if I got caught doing so. And in the moment of shame, I quickly owned the reality that I should’ve spent the time and money it took to do it the right way.

    The law is not always just and fair, but the best way to trump it is to get loud/silent with how and where we spend our monies. For example, I despise BET; therefore, I do not pay for cable anymore and do not watch television at all. Instead, I have taken the monies that would have gone toward cable and set up my life coaching business that empowers young women to NOT BE VIDEO ViXENS a la BET. And the time I’d have spent elsewhere, well, its spent in forums, dialogues, debates, and positive interactions.

    My one concern is this, this forum is unique in that we are all about BWE and tend to generally agree that this mess must stop, NOW. But what are some suggestions about how to get the word out to the Williams-Bolar’s of the world who think they deserve a hand up/hand out?
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    [Khadija speaking: At this point, it’s a self-endangering waste of time to try to communicate with the Williams-Bolars deviants of the AA subculture. Anybody who wants to survive and thrive will STOP worrying about them! Right now! The only thing they’ll do in response is (sometimes literally) shoot the messenger. Let the circumstances they invite into their lives with their choices (jail time, HIV/AIDs, etc.) teach them their reality check lessons. Or not.

    What I’m trying to get across is that worrying about the Williams-Bolar zombies is a dangerous luxury that Sojourners can no longer afford. The flood waters are steadily rising. At this point, anybody who isn’t already on their ark (or at minimum their rowboat) WILL drown. Time has already run out on trying to help the Williams-Bolar zombies and her zombie cheerleaders. Charity begins at home.]

    • Miss Andi K. says:

      Khadija,

      I see. This makes total sense. Perhaps its my own social entitlement speaking that I feel the need to hold up warning signs in hopes that they are reading them. THis whole analogy reminds me of Hurrican Katrina; people were to told to evacuate, but they didn’t because they were too busy “keeping it real in the hood”.

      While the rest of the world looked on in horror, half hoping that they’d get a clue and get the heck out of dodge.

    • YMB says:

      But what are some suggestions about how to get the word out to the Williams-Bolar’s of the world who think they deserve a hand up/hand out?

      Personally I do not think it is in the interest of any Sojourner to trifle with convincing the Williams-Bolars that they are not entitled to hand outs or of anything else. The are either receptive to the life-saving messages broadcast through this and other BWE blogs or not. Their choice and their consequences.

      The hour is too late for the save alla people business.

      Such people will get the word when their tax-payer funded hand outs are cut off permanently.

      • Joyousnerd says:

        Yes, it is too late for that. The type of woman who is so indoctrinated and foolish that she put herself and her children into this kind of situation of national notoriety cannot be helped.

        Moreover, time and energy that could be wasted trying to reason her out of her DBRness (let’s be real, she’s a thief) would be better spent making contacts with healthy and sane people who can bring a benefit to a sojourner’s life.

        Socializing with a slave like her has the potential to harm the Samaritan Sojourner! You can’t do CPR on a corpse, and it can make you sick to even try! Like Khadija has often said: let the dead bury the dead.

        Let’s all try and commit to cutting off ANY support or concern for thieves, or DBR individuals of ANY race or gender.

    • I gave those people 15 years of my life. I’m done. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

      • Roslyn,

        Guurl, I feel the same way! The vast majority of the AAs who romanticize and sympathize with the AA underclass (which is a segment separate and apart from everybody else, including the AA poor) have never had any real or sustained contact with such folks.

        Expect Success!

      • YMB says:

        One of my coworkers told me about a project she is involved with with in an area public housing complex. She was explaining that the people would not travel more than 1-2 blocks for anything because they were “captive” in their buildings and they had to lobby to get a WIC office opened across the street because residents would not go sign up for benefits if it were any farther away.

        Someone who is too lazy and unmotivated to even go sign up for government handouts is not going to heed any call to action for becoming economically self-reliant and has nothing to offer healthy reciprocal networks. Anyone who persists in thinking otherwise is going to miss that last boat off of Fantasy Island.

        • I’m very familiar with the concept of the “one-stop shop” for social services. It annoyed me to no end. Not only did we have to provide services, we had to make it convenient for those receiving the services. Much like the in-home therapy and counseling we had to provide for people who had children in the system. Wait a minute? I’m helping you get your kids back, and I have to come to your house to provide therapy for you? Risk my life because you have a continual revolving door of low-life men coming in and out all hours of the day? Show up and you’re still not there even though I made the appointment weeks in advance? Even though you don’t have a job and nowhere else to be. I could’ve moved in with those women, they didn’t want services because they didn’t want those children in the first place. Let’s be real about it. Those children are for the most part the product of laziness or craziness and it’s ridiculous to think otherwise.

          People don’t value what they don’t have to work for, and this convenience model was the death-knell for being a social service provider as far as I’m concerned. If you can’t get on the bus with vouchers we provide to bring yourself to the office, then clearly you don’t want the services in the first place.

          I got in a debate a while back with a young woman who claimed that they couldn’t get free or low-cost birth control in her town. I googled her city and found 10 different clinics, some open after hours and on weekends where birth control and other reproductive services were provided at free or low-cost. They can’t “find” these services because they don’t want these services. I’ve been there. In the trenches, there’s nothing no one can tell me about this population because I know them like I know my own name and my child’s face. They are where they are because that’s where they want to be.

          And this doesn’t have a darned thing to do with being poor. I’ve been poor. I know poor. Most of my life I was poor. I know plenty of people who were poor. And I’m talking about no indoor plumbing or paved streets poor, not this “hood rich” nonsense so many folks talk about. Plenty of poor people will literally walk a country mile to access what they need to raise themselves up. I know I did and I know plenty of others who did. So this isn’t about poverty, and I resent the implications that it is. This is about what my mama called being trash, or as she used to say, “We may be poor, but we’re not trash and I’m not going to have you acting like trash.” These people have chosen to wallow in filth like hogs (actually not like hogs because hogs wouldn’t wallow in filth if given a choice). I say we best leave them to it.
          ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

          [Khadija speaking: Roslyn, you’ve said a mouthful. {standing ovation} The Black people who sympathize with, and make excuses for, Black underclass criminals and deviants like Ms. Williams-Bolar DON’T know that population. Not the way that anybody who has dealt with that population knows them and their trifling, often hateful ways.

          Sometimes when I listen to the gullible Black folks who make excuses for and cheerlead the Black underclass, I want to have them physically put among the Black underclass objects of their sympathy. So all these naive Black cheerleaders can experience that population for themselves. For one example, all those naive AAs who are offended whenever anybody tells the truth about the Section 8 welfare queen parasites should have all their local Section 8 holders relocated next door to them. So they can experience for themselves the “joys” of living near Section 8 welfare queens and their spawn.

          Naive Black cheerleaders would quickly change their tune after spending just a short amount of time in the REAL WORLD among the Black underclass.]

          • Lynn says:

            I’m so glad that you decided to get out of the social service s industry! I never realized the physical risks social workers take doing their job. BW do not need this. I’m glad you moved on to beetter things.

          • ak says:

            Thank you Roslyn because what you said is all true. Stop putting a halo on the heads of members of the public who happen to be trashy just because they’re broke!

          • Robynne says:

            Khadija and Roslyn,

            You both echo the sentiments of my parents, in particular my dad. Even though I grew up overseas, the dbr tendencies are there in full force, particularly with regards to the inner city slum residents. It’s exactly the same as your typical AA ghetto today, only they blame wealthier people and the government for their failings (they can’t blame white people like they do here in the US, lol). While government inaction is true to some extent, these people actively harbour criminals and other deviants, and then they have the audacity to whine about escalating crime and such. My dad is a criminal defense attorney like yourself Khadija, and he has often remarked on some of the very things you talk about on this blog, especially as it pertains to the underclass mentality. They like to take without reciprocating. It is tiresome to extract legal fees owed for your services from them. They would rather spend it on themselves. It is the mentality that is holding them back. It has nothing to do with poverty. Nothing about poverty automatically induces one to become a criminal. My parents grew up poor, especially my dad – I am talking about no electricity, no indoor plumbing, no shoes to wear to school type of poor – in a developing country, back in the day when certain infrastructure was limited. Yet he still managed to go to law school, right after high school. Go figure.

          • Miss Andi K. says:

            In response to: “Black underclass objects of their sympathy. So all these naive Black cheerleaders can experience that population for themselves. For one example, all those naive AAs who are offended whenever anybody tells the truth about the Section 8 welfare queen parasites should have all their local Section 8 holders relocated next door to them. So they can experience for themselves the “joys” of living near Section 8 welfare queens and their spawn.”

            THis brings to mind the days in which I lived in SW Atlanta (for college), pre-gentrification. I recalled seeing actual signs on every corner that warned the native residents that their homes were subject to being demomlished if they failed to go down to the courthouse by a certain day and time (that was about 3-6 months away) and sign deeds and start the process of purchasing their land.

            Fast forward to the end of the grace period: These SAME native SW Atlantans had the unmitigated gall to approach our academic community in search of a hand out and some network leveraging to try to prevent “the white man from taking what was theirs”. Our schools quietly declined. It was clear that our administration had grown tired of helping these people at students’ expense. The reports of muggings, sexual assaults, and break-ins had just gotten out of hand. Countless parents were threatening to stop giving to our beloved alma mater if something wasn’t done.

            Presently, most of those people have been moved elsewhere and there are currently high rises being built (mostly by The Donald), and posh student communities. The crime rates have gone down, and the administrators have since awakened and started applying this rigorous screening process to the schools themselves.

            I learned a valuable lesson back then, and it was to NEVER take the bait and rush out into oncoming traffic on the behalf of DBR trash. Because you can cool believe that if things do NOT go their way, they’ll turn on you and eat you alive. If things DO go their way, the community will suffer another 5 decades of poverty. I plan to take this with me into my private practice and TRULY stop trying to help these people if they didn’t come to me on their own.

          • Miss Andi K. says:

            Now, this is what I see all day every day. I think I should tell on myself, I am 26 and in my first job out of grad school, so I’ve been guilty of having “save-a-ninja” complex. But,thank G-d for reality checks and BWE communities like this one. I believe in learning from the stories and mistakes of others as well as myself.

            I get sick and tired of practically begging DBR’s to go to the therapist near them, or to come to their appointments (if not on time, just at all). And I can honestly say, that once we return to work (we’re snowed in here in TX), I will no longer be doing so. If my supervisor asks why, I will say, “so and so did not want my assistance.” And let the chips fall where they may. I’ll save my first gray hairs for my children.

  14. KM says:

    This is why even though I’m still in a AA neighborhood, I’ve been working my contacts and making contacts with non-AAs and MAKING DAMN SURE that they know I’m not aligned with the criminal class/criminal cheerleader. (excuse my language, Khadija)

    And with this, so far I’ve had an offer to move into the house of a friend when she moves to another suburb later this year. I’ve already decided that no matter what, I’m leaving this all AA hellhole by September of this year, the earlier the better. I’ll be nearly 100% debt free by the end of the year. All I need is the right QLL (in Evia’s words.)

    Like Khadija, Muse, Karen, etc. have all said, the AA collective is DEAD. The Age of Turmoil is at hand. Everyone is hurting in some way and it’s going to get worse. I REFUSE to let myself get caught up in this DBR nonsense and get caught in the tidal wave coming. First, they are going to cut the SSI parachute, then trim down the Social Security and Welfare parachutes as they close off the ghetto from general society. Very few AAs will make it out. I plan to be one of them with the rest of the Sojourners.

  15. zoe1231 says:

    Khadija said:

    “You still have the knee-jerk, Sista Soldier reflex of rallying around every STRANGE Black person, and every Black person who’s doing something STRANGE…”

    “We need to recognize that this is life and death, and drop the defiant teenage rebel posture of supporting any and every strange, nonconformist person… When you’re an adult, you understand that nonconformity does not automatically equal freedom… Sometimes, “the box” (that everybody assumes it’s good to get outside of) exists to PROTECT human dignity and life!”

    THIS IS IT!!!!!!!!!!! These two quotes could have been your entire post. ***’Nough said***

  16. foreverloyal says:

    I think, that as someone alluded to earlier, that many of us have understood the issues and what needs to be done intellectually, but it has not yet been processed emotionally.
    I believe we are looking at too many bw and feeling “that was me two years ago”, or that “that COULD be me”.

    Everyone else is right, there really isn’t anymore time for all of that. Every minute that we waste arguing with the hard-headed or trying to support the foolish is a minute we are not spending establishing reciprocal relationships, becoming a solid member of useful networks, or learning useful skills.

    For myself, I can say that I have a pretty clear conscience from years of trying to persuade people IRL and online, in the past two years with the help of the MuslimBushido blog. Many people have gotten it, many refuse.

    That is up to them.

    • SS says:

      “That COULD be me”. I suspect that this is the reason so many women were so sympathetic to Ms. Bolar without hearing all the facts. We have to get away from having knee-jerk reactions when we hear of any black woman in trouble.
      I think informal peace walls or gated communities have already gone up. I live in a very affluent neighborhood (rent) and you will see cop cars parked outside the entrance to this particular affluent neighborhood. This neighborhood has many synagogues and a Jewish youth center as well as a Country Club. The cops are chatting with the residents and everyone is friendly. You know right away that no one deemed “unsatisfactory” would be allowed to just wander into said neighborhood without being checked by the cops.

      • Miss Andi K. says:

        SS, you’d better preach! As a Jewish WOC, I can personally attest to this. Add to it, that some Jewish community leaders sit with us on Shabbat’s and admonish us to reach out to the Williams-Bolar’s of the world, and you’ve got the “That COULD be me” mentality.

        However, I catch myself and remember, I’m NOT giving up my position within the comfy/posh community (renting or not, I’ll be an owner someday). In the meantime, all we can do is keep chatting it up with officers, and making it known that we may be skinfolk, but, we’re (Sojourners and the Williams-Bolars) not kinfolk.

  17. KM,

    You said, “The Age of Turmoil is at hand. Everyone is hurting in some way and it’s going to get worse. I REFUSE to let myself get caught up in this DBR nonsense and get caught in the tidal wave coming. First, they are going to cut the SSI parachute, then trim down the Social Security and Welfare parachutes as they close off the ghetto from general society. Very few AAs will make it out. I plan to be one of them with the rest of the Sojourners.”

    Indeed!
    _______________________________________________

    zoe1231,

    {chuckling} You’re right!
    _______________________________________________

    ForeverLoyal,

    You said, “I think, that as someone alluded to earlier, that many of us have understood the issues and what needs to be done intellectually, but it has not yet been processed emotionally.
    I believe we are looking at too many bw and feeling “that was me two years ago”, or that “that COULD be me”.

    Everyone else is right, there really isn’t anymore time for all of that. Every minute that we waste arguing with the hard-headed or trying to support the foolish is a minute we are not spending establishing reciprocal relationships, becoming a solid member of useful networks, or learning useful skills.”

    No, there’s no more time left for not getting it. It’s do or die. Right now. As KM mentioned, one by one all the little government-sponsored safety nets that help AA women stay out of touch with reality are being trimmed and ultimately dismantled. Everybody has a choice. They can get their thing together while there’s still a teeny bit of cushion left. Or, they can wait until the full-blown storm comes their way.

    Expect Success!

  18. Sholoray says:

    Khadija, this is another wonderful post. I was out of town for a conference in my career field. I remembered your words about building networks as I spoke with others in my field.

    I’ve never had much sympathy for law breakers. I’ve been called insensitive, mean, etc. for holding such views, but I shrug it off and keep it moving.

    Speaking of peace walls and gated communities, when my parents and I visited Huntsville, AL while I was apartment hunting prior to beginning grad school, the ONLY place they approved of me moving into was a gated community. It was honestly the only place we visited that felt safe. I now live in another gated community in Denver, CO. This community has even tighter restrictions. It’s nice to walk around and not worry.

    • Sholoray,

      Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it. Oh yes, gated communities are the wave of the future. And aspiring Sojourners need to get some clarity about which side of the gate they want to be on.

      Expect Success!

      • Karen says:

        “…Sojourners need to get some clarity about which side of the gate they want to be on.”

        I will be frank, for the ladies committed to becoming Sojourners, time is indeed running and you DO NOT want to be on the outside of that gate.

        The time for warnings is over. NOW is the time for action. Every day wasted on non-productive activites/people cannot be retrieved. Time does not wait for anyone.

        THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

  19. Coffy says:

    Show me a man’s friends and I’ll show you the man. We really do have to be cautious of who we associate with, people think I’m cold but if I find out a person is using drugs or partakes in destructive activities I quickly disassociate myself from them. Hang around shady characters and people will not only view you in the same light, but you’ll soon find yourself displaying those same shady characteristics–you’re only as smart as your dumbest friend. I’m in my early 20s and after outgrowing friends every couple of years I’ve finally realized that I need to pick associates who are also growth oriented. If I’m the only one in the relationship evolving we will not only come to be incompatible but my personal growth will be stunted. Finding quality people can be tough and lonely at times, but remember it’s always better to be alone than in bad company.

    • Natasia says:

      INDEED! I’m in my early twenties as well and I’m ever grateful to my Asian high school friends for including me in their social circles. Without the incessant determination that they instilled within me, I would never be admitted to the highly reputable university that I am graduating from now. And to think – I just thought I was having a good time!

      We would all do well to get us some more Asian girlfriends – many of them are experts at getting both their Master’s degree and their MRS degree simultaneously. My close friend immigrated to the US from China at 12 years old. Not only did she adapt to her new environment quickly (you would NEVER guess that this girl was not born and raised outside of Los Angeles), but she also snagged her man in Freshman year!

      Make friends and take notes!

    • Melissa Q. says:

      That is why it is necessary to vet, vet, vet anyone you associate with. Everything you do, where you work, where you live possibly could have hidden undersides and problems. If I find anything negative about anything: associates, living spaces, etc. I cut them off from my circle. Self-preservation is an important skill BW need to learn. Because when the building comes down, you do not want to be in it.

  20. JJ says:

    I navigate white power-structures all the time in my community and line of work.

    Not only am I very careful not to cheerlead for Black criminals or bums, I take it one step further and distance myself from the ones who have crafted a veneer of success but who have ghetto, no-class behaviors underneath.

    I’ve lived here long enough to know who these ones are and I create no space for them at all.

    Another type that I circumvent are the ones suffering from HNIC (Head Negro In Charge) syndrome. They are typically the arrogant Island or African males who have wormed into some position and LOVE to demean a fellow Black person (usually a woman- a “soft target”) in front of an audience of white colleagues.

    They attempt to prove their status and authority this way and secure their rep as “Big Man of the Village”.

    It’s a laughable and most coonish display. The last one who tried that with me lived to sorely regret it and the ultimate embarassment was his.

    Any Black people I surround myself with are educated, have strong morals, high levels of cultural pride and recriprocate respect.

    And Roslyn Holcomb is most correct….anyone who has warm fuzzy notions about saving the underclass has certainly never dealt with them.

    Most thank you for your help by stomping down on your face with all four hooves!

    • ak says:

      ‘Another type that I circumvent are the ones suffering from HNIC (Head Negro In Charge) syndrome. They are typically the arrogant Island or African males who have wormed into some position and LOVE to demean a fellow Black person (usually a woman- a “soft target’

      Yeeeaaaahhh. This is actually true.

    • MsMellody says:

      Hello JJ – You said: “Most thank you for your help by stomping down on your face with all four hooves!”

      Okay thank you for the best laugh of this morning!!! This comment alone will stay with me -visually- as that I have endured this exact experience. I too worked in social services before going back to grad school…and let me just sing Rosalyn’s praises for her apt description of what it REALLY is like working to help those of the underclass who have TRASH for morals.

      JJ – thank you again for that comment..I spilled my coffee this morning laughing in a KNOWING way !!!!!(smile)

      • JJ says:

        Thank you ‘ak’ and you’re very welcome MsMellody. Y’all…I got more zingers from where that came from! lol

    • Zoopath says:

      The hooves comment made me laugh out loud too. I’m still giggling. Thank you.

    • Miss Andi K. says:

      JJ,

      “It’s a laughable and most coonish display. The last one who tried that with me lived to sorely regret it and the ultimate embarassment was his.”

      I laughed out loud visualizing this!!! :-D I like you.

  21. Joyousnerd says:

    I’d just like to chime in and say that getting on the right side of that gate is a snap- if you are married to the right man. You already have everything you need to get and stay on the safe side of the fence if you are a woman of even average looks who is in shape and pleasant to be around. You don’t need to have massive wealth (though it helps lol) or be super duper special: just be a woman. You must FIND that man and marry him. Once you marry the right man, especially if he is white (just being honest) doors will open for you that you had not realized were there, much less closed to you.

    So even if you don’t have multiple income streams yet, even if you don’t have your college degree, you MUST make finding that man a priority. Because in the functioning and healthy white communities of this world, women and children get protected FIRST, and men will protect and defend another white man’s family because they have a reasonable expectation of reciprocity there. You already have what you need to put yourself on the right side of the gate!

    • Ali says:

      Joyousnerd, once again you are right on the money with this. I know it might sound strange, but breaking in isn’t that hard, if you are a single women who is smart enough to align herself with the right guy.

      While I love hearing about all the hard work a lot of the women are doing to pull themselves up and get out of bad neighborhoods, it’s worth pointing out that sometimes – the right guy will move you out – physically and mentally. He will not want you to live in the rough neighborhood, or associate with rough people. He and his family will provide access to people whom you would otherwise have to spend years scrapping up the ladder to meet.

      Of course you must always have a back up plan, men aren’t full proof. But this is the biggest ‘short cut’ to the good life I know. I wish more black women knew that and took advantage of it.

    • Miss Andi K. says:

      Joyousnerd,

      I second this notion. Many of these WM are eager to meet and marry BW who are open to learning new things and being helped. WM are however turned off by the “I don’t need a man, candobadallbymyslef’ers”.

      Not only will they break their necks to encourage and help you to move up/out; they’ll do double duty to prevent anyone from stopping you. I don’t think its accidental that the Melody Hobson’s and Susan Rice’s of the world have had the successes they’ve had AND been romantically linked to “others”.

  22. Monique says:

    @Roslyn “People don’t value what they don’t have to work for..” EXACTLY !!!

    I also totally agree with your assesment that this is NOT about poverty, but about VALUES. My parents were immigrants from Jamaica with little formal edcuation but worked sun-up to sun down to send my sibilings and I to private schools. I grew up materially poor; we rarely had extra money to do anything. But it was drilled into our heads that we’re to to go to school and do well, my parents helped us with our homework every night, they went to every treacher/parent conference, they read every report card, they made sure we got to school on time and had a decent breakfast before we left. They instilled in us pride for ourselves, our speech, our appearance, our histroy and our culture. My mother told us there is no such pharse as “I can’t”

    We were not allowed to play with the children on the block as most of them were children whose parents were not involved in their upbringing and so they ran the streets all day and all night,(luckily we were abale to move to a better area) we were not allowed to go to people’s houses, we were not allowed to speak jamaican patois or slang in our home. We were EXPECTED to achieve, we were EXPECTED to do well in school. We were expected to be mannerable and respectful. We also had chores and household repsonibilies to do. I and my siblings were RAISED. Most blacks nowadays are born and litreally dragged up with no guidance or parental involvement AT ALL. They’re almost feral in their behavior.

    I have family members who took on the “Rude Bwoy” (i.e the Jamaican gangsta) mentality, sold drugs, joined gangs, became pimps and welfare scammers. And now they want to friend me on facebook. Uhmmm, are you crazy!!!?? I do not associate with half, if not more, of my family because they continue to choose to live like low-life, deviant criminals who want to get over on everyone including me and my parents who’ve worked their whole lives to live with some relative comfort and semblance of order.

    If I can ignore and disassociate with the bulk of my own family, it aint’ nothin’ for me to ignore the bulk of AAs who CONTINUE to CHOOSE to live like trash and have trashy, self-defeating values.

    I spent most of my twenties in organizations and groups geared towards “helping” black folk. You know where it got me? NOWHERE. I was vilified, insulted, called “bougie” and “house nigga” beacuse I didn’t “keep it real” and I spoke well. I REFUSE to expend another iota of energy on helping the “masses of Black people” becasue the masses of Black people DON’T WANT TO BE HELPED. They want to be coddled and taken care of and to continue to be given freebies because they are to damned lazy to put in enough effort to change their lives.

    Freedom ain’t free. It requires work and sustained effort. And most black folk just don’t get that. I only associate with people who can add value to my life and engage in reciprocal relationships, which ipso facto excludes the masses of Black people.

    • ak says:

      ‘I was vilified, insulted, called “bougie” and “house nigga” beacuse I didn’t “keep it real” and I spoke well. ‘

      This is the story of MY life!

  23. Sisterlocgirl says:

    Don’t waste your mental energies trying to save knee-grows who fail to see the writing on the wall. When you choose the action you also choose the consequences of said action. Its as if this particular brand of knee-grow argues against gravity as a principle and then have the unmitigated gall to be shocked and appalled when they foolishly walk off the 2nd floor balcony and end up with broken limbs. As Forrest Gump would say ” Stupid is as stupid does “. Indeed. Expend your energies on activities that will further your progress and goals. There is no time left to worry/fret/cry/bemoan/pray on/cajole the idiotic knee-grows who REFUSE to accept that no one is responsible for their poor choices. These leeches/parasites/flat earthers will NEVER change. Let these episodes be technicolor examples of what NOT to do. As some others have mentioned in previous discussions, “skin folk ain’t necessarily kin folk” so carefully vet those to whom you lend support.

  24. Thalia says:

    Whew! I have been reading your website now for almost four hours, and I could read it for another four hours, no problem. I just found your site for the first time today, and I just can’t get enough. I have been in the desert with my own thoughts for many years and I didn’t think there were other sisters like me. Now that I see there are many, I can’t stop drinking the cool water that is your blog.

    You are providing a great service for black women! If I had a medal, I’d give it to you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    • Thalia,
      {waving}

      You’re welcome! Thank you for your kind words about the blog; I truly appreciate it. It’s here to serve as a place where Sojourners can rest, relax, and brainstorm our continued advancement into abundant living.

      Welcome aboard—I’m always delighted to see a new person join our little online day spa here. :-)

      Expect Success!

    • ak says:

      Yep that’s how I’ve always felt.

      • GR says:

        Me too!!! I always thought I lived on an island in the middle of some unknown ocean. Khadija, I found your blog a couple of days ago, and I’ve been glued ever since. You’re doing a wonderful job. This is the new “keeping it real.”

    • Miss Andi K. says:

      Hey Thalia!

      Isn’t it great to speak your mind without the “Internet Ike Turners” (citing Khadija). :-)
      ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

      [Khadija speaking: I learned that extremely accurate shorthand description from Gina, blog host of What About Our Daughters. {hat tip to Gina}]

  25. ***Note to Readers***

    In making this new site the kind of project that’s sustainable for me over the long-run, I’ve had to streamline how I handle certain things. The comments section is one of them. What this means is that I’ll give substantive responses to those folks who enter the conversations early (as I did across the board at the previous blog).

    After each post is a couple of days old, I’ll generally continue to publish new comments from readers. (That meet the commenting guidelines as set forth at the previous blog—those who are unfamiliar can read the comment “box” at the previous blog.)

    But, after a each post is a couple of days old, I generally WON’T continue responding to new comments.

    [In other words, I’ll continue to publish comments to this post (until Sunday when I move on to the next post), but I’m not going to reply to anymore comments in this thread. FYI.]

    Expect Success!

  26. Nkosazana says:

    Wow this is just amazing to me… Coddling and protecting criminals?

    People in my country are literally dying in very high numbers trying to root out the criminals that are raping us women and children and now even the police got the legal authority to “shoot to kill” criminals on sight..

    If we had a reliable and big police force like you guys have it would be used all the time.

    Oh and yeah our runner, Caster Semenya. She was a hermaphrodite. Oh I love you Julius Malema for crying racism on this one.

    • {temporarily dipping back into the conversation}

      Nkosazana,

      You said, “Wow this is just amazing to me… Coddling and protecting criminals?”

      Guurl, it’s crazy. And it’s a reflection of just how socially isolated and self-segregated most AAs are (including what they choose to read online). They genuinely have NO idea how deranged and depraved it sounds to just about everybody else when somebody rallies around criminals and deviants.

      Since they spend the bulk of their time self-segregated into their own all-AA echo chambers, they don’t know how that cheerleading is perceived by other people. They discount the normal AAs who refuse to cheerlead criminals as being unduly harsh, or under the influence of White racists like Ronald Reagan for example{chuckling}. Unlike me, most AAs with normal values have allowed themselves to be intimidated into silence about the depravity of cheerleading for criminals and deviants.

      And the few times it breaks through to them that nonblacks generally are NOT going to sympathize with Black criminals and deviants, then they characterize that lack of sympathy as “racist.”

      You said, “Oh and yeah our runner, Caster Semenya. She was a hermaphrodite. Oh I love you Julius Malema for crying racism on this one.”

      I’m old enough to remember the more-or-less MEN who posed as women while competing on behalf of the East German “women’s” swim team during earlier Olympics. In fact, their manliness was a running joke at the time. It was cheating back then for a country (any country) to use genetic men to compete against genetic women in Olympic contests. It’s still cheating now. Any athlete who is genetically a MAN and/or has a man’s levels of testosterone, etc. should compete against his true peers—which means competing against other MEN.

      Expect Success!

      • Nkosazana says:

        Lol white racists. I love it when people play that card in South Africa..

        If I were to move back down there tomorrow I would not be looking over my shoulder for some racist white police officer (actually that would make me safer in South Africa ATM) but for the gang of 16 year old blacks who’s out looking for a “piece of ass”.

        It’s quite sad to hear people say that they wish that the police would go back to the military ways of dealing with crime like they did during apartheid.

        You American girls should take advantage of your excellent police force and the protection it gives you trust me on that one, you are very lucky. And stop protecting your criminals, if a black man rapes you it’s no less of a rape than if a white man would.