A Very Short History Of Human Survival, And How It Relates To The Black Women’s Empowerment Movement

A VERY SHORT HISTORY OF HUMAN SURVIVAL

During a recent conversation, I had the following exchange with Evia (blog host of Black Female Interracial Marriage Ezine).
I said,

Evia,

You said, “Khadija, I would think that by now there would be a bunch of books out there breaking it down to men that even though a woman may make as much money/more money than her man, the typical woman is still going to purr more with a man who makes her feel safer and more secure.”

So many modern, fatherless AA males are so far out of touch with HUMAN norms (such as the above), that I’m beginning to doubt that any book-based explanations can break through their constellation of dysfunctions. I’m beginning to think that normal human male thought patterns and behavior can only be learned through intensive modeling; AND social rewards/punishments being administered by healthy men.

You said, “Women, in general, are wired to want to be safe and secure just like men, in general, are wired to be sex hunters. In line with that, women, in general, are also wired to want the type of man who can best help them to feather the nest. I realize that some women haven’t accepted that men are sex hunters, but many men also seemingly can’t grasp that women are wired to gravitate toward men who make them feel more safe and secure. That’s our basic wiring that’s been embedded during the last 50,000 years.”

Similar to the feigned “confusion” of many AA women NWNW (No Wedding, No Womb) opponents, I’m not entirely convinced that defective males genuinely don’t know this. These men live in a Western society where they see the effects of WM protecting and providing for WW and White children all around them. If nothing else, they saw WM PROTECT Taylor Swift from any further aggressive behavior from Kanye West.

I get the feeling that it’s a combination of not wanting to know this, coupled with the inner knowledge that they’re incompetent to meet this standard in their current frame of mind. So, these failed men pretend not to know that protecting and providing are HUMAN male norms.

You said, “Anyway, SOME of us bw greatly prefer men who can flex their brain rather than their biceps. And if a man can flex his brain the majority of the time, he can PLAN to avoid many pitfalls/traps in life and won’t even need to flex his biceps barely at all.”

Well, duh, as you know—that’s what normal human women who are from normal, CIVILIZED environments generally want in a man. Normal, sensible women from civilized environments want the sort of man you described when you said, “These brainier men who are able to fluidly negotiate the customs of civilized society and secure a comfortable life is the type of man that I will encourage upwardly mobile bw to set their sights on. Many underexposed bw think of this type of man as weak or wimpy, or lacking in swagger, but that’s due to the underexposure of these women socially and their lack of knowledge in many ways. Many of these men know how to be assertive when necessary because they’ve seen it modeled.”

Evia, I must admit that I find it extremely difficult to comprehend some of the bizarre conversations that go on among AAs about relationships and childrearing. The bizarre practices that we’ve normalized (oow, weekend-fathering, telephone-based fathering, etc.) are so far removed from basic human norms that it’s breathtaking. The nonsense spouted by the BW who are in opposition to NWNW was one example.

I’ll also never forget another example a couple of years back at a Black-love/Black unity blog. A AA male commenter stated that he felt BW were being “programmed” to artificially want marriage; and asked somebody to explain what “real” value marriage has.

I asked him to do the following thought experiment. To picture himself becoming homeless as a result of a Katrina-like emergency, or something that lasted longer such as The Great Depression. I asked him, among the following list of persons, who would be most likely to feel some obligation to help him and take him in during such an emergency? And who would be most likely to feel obligated to help him over the long run?

1-Total strangers?
2-Neighbors?
3-Work acquaintances?
4-Friends?
5-His jumpoff’s parents and extended family members?
6-His casual girlfriend’s parents and extended family members?
7-His baby mama’s parents and extended family members?
8-His wife’s parents and extended family members?

He didn’t have an answer. Over the years, I’ve been amazed by the numbers of AAs who don’t see the obvious connection between the mass AA refusal to form families and problems like homelessness among AAs, etc. We seem to expect others to create and fund endless government programs to accommodate our dysfunctions. It’s crazy. All of these various dysfunction-subsidizing programs need to be cut off. This would serve to get folks’ thinking in alignment with reality.

The bottom line: Any AA woman who wants a good and decent life MUST step OUT of the toxic, savage, all-AA social environment and go amongst other people who are much more likely to model normal, human behaviors and interactions.

In response, Evia said,

Khadija, that simpleton AA man got an entire slab of history-of-the-human-race education in that one question you asked him. LOL!!!!!! You actually made a lot of headway towards civilizing that man with that one question. Questions are often more powerful than the answers.

. . . [in terms of various dysfunction-subsidizing programs, she said] Yep, it would be better to just cut the cord and that is happening. Even if these folks were my own children, I would say the same thing. I would not want my children crawling around deformed. It’s disgusting. It reminds me of a laboratory scene where there are all of these partially developed fetuses floating around tethered by umbilical cords to a monster.

Well, our departed sister, Octavia Butler really called it when she wrote her series of “Parable of the Sower” novels. Of course, she called them fiction, but she KNEW they weren’t. She knew. And just like she knew, and just like we know, many others also know, and they’re PLANNING for the solution. However, I’m convinced that the reason they allow it to go on to this extent is because they want to be sure that their own people know that when and as they enact the solution, the liberals and other tenderhearted folks among them will know that there was no other choice.

She’s right.

HOW THIS SHORT HISTORY OF HUMAN SURVIVAL RELATES TO THE BLACK WOMEN’S EMPOWERMENT MOVEMENT

The underlying purpose of various Black Women’s Empowerment (BWE) bloggers’ essays is to encourage and help more African-American women get their expectations and behavior back into alignment with human norms. The formula for human survival and success is not complicated; it’s actually very simple. On a patriarchal planet, women and their children rise or fall based on the caliber of men they select as mates and fathers for their children. If a woman selects a non-protective, non-providing man, she and her children will suffer. For generations. If a woman selects a man who is a capable protector and provider, she and her children will thrive. For generations. This is the bottom line to what BWE bloggers have been saying all along.

Settling for a man who won’t marry you, and who won’t ensure that his children are born within the bounds of marriage leads to suffering, and ultimately death for the woman involved and her illegitimate children. This collective settling for the inferior situation of out of wedlock childbearing (oow) and the single parenting that is the predictable result of oow is the root cause of why African-Americans are becoming a permanent underclass in the US. The “grasshoppers” can continue to pretend not to know this if they want to, but any African-American woman who wants a good life for herself and her children needs to “recognize.” Pronto. Time is running out.

WHERE THE BWE MOVMENT STANDS TODAY: AT THE “DISCUSSION” STAGE. ADOPTION COMES NEXT.

Philosopher John Stuart Mill said, “Every great movement must experience three stages: ridicule, discussion, adoption.” The BWE movement is firmly at the discussion stage, and I see the beginnings of various forms and levels of adoption.

There’s been a major shift in the conversations among African-American women since I first started paying attention to these issues approximately three years ago. At that point, any Black woman who questioned or challenged the current demeaning status quo of how Black women are treated among the African-American collective was relentlessly stalked, attacked, and ridiculed. The concerns being raised by such pioneers (African-American men’s escalating violence and atrocities against Black women and girls; Black men’s racist colorism against Black women; African-American women being programmed to be self-martyring “mules,” and so on) were dismissed and rejected out of hand. Both by heavily Black-male-identified Black women, and by various categories of sexist African-American men. That was then.

This is now. Now, the conversations have changed. Various life-enhancing ideas have spread among African-American women. Through the cumulative effects of our work, various Black women bloggers have gradually forced a change in the conversations. Christelyn’s recent No Wedding, No Womb initiative kicked the door wide open, and forced a blast of fresh air into the stale atmosphere of mass African-American acceptance of oow. Various African-Americans who like the current status quo, and would prefer to keep any questions about it off the table, have been forced to talk about these issues.

As a result, increasing numbers of African-American women are thinking that just maybe they do deserve to have a similar range of life options (such as being protected and provided for in the context of marriage) as every other ethnic group of women on this planet. These women are beginning to question and reject various status quo-supporting behaviors such as “Sister Soldiering.” Praise God!

THE CURRENT TACTICS USED BY THOSE WHO ARE OPPOSED TO ABUNDANT LIFE FOR BLACK WOMEN AND GIRLS

BWE bloggers are at the dangerous intersection of resistance against some deeply entrenched pathologies:

  • The general, overall sexist harassment of women online. See the Washington Post story “Sexual Threats Stifle Some Female Bloggers.”
  • The African-American cultural bias of defining “Black people’s interests” solely in terms of what’s best for Black men, without any consideration of the impact on Black women and children.

Whenever a Black woman openly resists and rejects the above two things, she will face hysterical belligerence from Internet Ike Turners, and their supporting chorus of heavily male-identified Ikettes (who are similar to the Arab and Afghan women who support the so-called “honor killings” of other women).

Well, as the proponents of abundant life for African-American women and girls have changed the dynamics of Black women’s online conversations, the opponents of abundant life for Black women and girls have shifted their responses. At first, those who are opposed to abundant life for Black women and girls tried to bully the pioneers into silence with stalking, threats and coordinated online attacks. That failed. The various BWE bloggers persevered in their efforts.

Trying To Separate “Good” BWE Bloggers From “Bad” BWE Bloggers. One current Internet Ike Turner and Ikette strategy is to try to redefine various BWE bloggers into separate, conflicting categories. Previously, the Internet Ike Turners and Ikettes defined all BWE bloggers as “bitter,” “extreme,” and “divisive.” These are some of the Ikes’ and Ikettes’ favorite buzzwords. They’ve now decided that some BWE bloggers are “moderate,” “reasonable” and “sincere.” While others are still “bad.”

This little trick is a repeat of what White racists did during the Civil Rights Movement. White segregationists tried to characterize and position some African-American organizers as “good, moderate” Negro leaders, and other ones as “bad, divisive” Negro leaders. [Incidentally, I hope to remain firmly in the “bad” category. I believe that God does not like people who are lukewarm about issues such as justice and human dignity.]

White segregationists failed with this strategy during the 1960s. The Internet Ikes and Ikettes are failing with this strategy right now.

Hoping That Making False Claims of “Infighting” Will Lead to Actual Infighting Among BWE Bloggers. Another Internet Ike Turner and Ikette talking point is to loudly proclaim the existence of non-existent “infighting” among various BWE bloggers. This is another strategy from the White segregationists’ handbook. Like the previous strategy, it’s a cheap, transparent ploy to try to pit various BWE bloggers against each other. White segregationists failed with this strategy in the 1960s. The Internet Ikes and Ikettes are failing with this strategy right now.

BWE ideas continue to spread, and increasing numbers of African-American women are quietly deciding to stop:

And instead to seek abundant life for themselves. The same way African-American men freely seek abundant life for themselves without factoring in how this affects the already-dead African-American collective.

WHAT THOSE WHO ARE OPPOSED TO ABUNDANT LIFE FOR BLACK WOMEN AND GIRLS WILL DO NEXT

The Internet Ike Turners’ and Ikettes’ tactics will continue to morph as the BWE message continues to spread. As increasing numbers of individual Black women decide to seek abundant life and go wherever their dreams lead them, the Internet Ike Turners and Ikettes will start claiming that they always supported the goal of abundant life for Black women! So, you’ll see them start to concede various points that they previously denied. They’ll ultimately concede that:

  • Black women are as entitled as any other race of women to be provided for and protected.
  • Black women and children deserve the protections granted by marriage and legitimacy.
  • There is a problem with African-American men and their racist colorism against Black women.

They’ll ultimately concede these (and other) points. But they’ll also say that they disagree with the means used by BWE bloggers to solve these problems. The Ikes and Ikettes want the current status quo to continue. They want African-American women to stay in place, and remain available to continue serving as unreciprocated mules to prop up the African-American collective. They don’t want African-American women to imitate the moves Black men make to seek abundant life. Moves such as dating and marrying whoever they want, without factoring in race. Such as moving out of Black residential areas as soon as they can afford to do so. Such as doing whatever works best for them, without considering how their choices affect the so-called community. Which is their right.

Ultimately, as the BWE message continues to spread, the Ikes and Ikettes will falsely claim to support portions of the BWE platform. But they’ll want Black women to keep doing what has already failed—hanging around waiting for Black men to do their part. Like the other failed ploys used by Ikes and Ikettes, this also won’t work. As increasing numbers of African-American women watch other Black women live in abundance, there’s no going back to voluntary, unnecessary deprivation and suffering. Freedom is contagious!

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108 Responses to “A Very Short History Of Human Survival, And How It Relates To The Black Women’s Empowerment Movement”

  1. Stallion says:

    You said, “I get the feeling that it’s a combination of not wanting to know this, coupled with the inner knowledge that they’re incompetent to meet this standard in their current frame of mind. So, these failed men pretend not to know that protecting and providing are HUMAN male norms”. This is so true, there are many men I know and have as family members who pick certain areas to be responsible in. When I speak to BM leisurly about different things they do seem to be conflicted in standing up or “manning up” in areas they fall weak.

    You also said “So many modern, fatherless AA males are so far out of touch with HUMAN norms (such as the above), that I’m beginning to doubt that any book-based explanations can break through their constellation of dysfunctions. I’m beginning to think that normal human male thought patterns and behavior can only be learned through intensive modeling; AND social rewards/punishments being administered by healthy men.” This is also true, especially needing intensive modeling administered by healthy men. It makes my stomach hurt sometimes when I converse with BM and convoluted ideas about manhood are spewed about. It has taken form and is indeed in the adoption process. Don’t take me as vet in this movement. It was just three months ago I truly jumped on board after intelligent conversations with people over YEARS. It does take training, even thought I get push back from my so called “Pro-black” friends and family which is crazy. I look back at my choice with men months ago and think what the hell was I on and why after being fully aware of consequences didn’t I jump ship sooner with making silly choices. Lack of everything is what caused my stupidity or maybe the word is ignorance.

  2. Joyousnerd says:

    Yes, I totally agree with your predictions about what the Ikes and Ikettes will do next. It’s very predictable. As more and more of us continue to live well and spread the word by example, there will be nothing they can do to stop this change. So they will start to front like they were down from day one.

    I’m about to go to my library’s website and order Octavia Butler’s books now.

    • Hodan says:

      “So they will start to front like they were down from day one.”

      Exactly, it reminds me of the white racists ala Glen Beck and the Mississippi Governor who pretend like they were around when the civil rights leaders were marching to DC.

      ps. Octavia Butler is one of the greats when it comes to science fiction genre. I love her literary style of writing and imagination, she’s truly missed. Start with ‘Fledgling’ if you don’t like a heavy theme. Kindred is her most popular book thou.

  3. Stallion,

    Oh, it’s not “stupidity.” It’s indoctrination. Many of us have had our own similar “What the h*ll was I thinking?!” realizations along the path to increased awareness. I know I have. 🙂 I made the following comments around 6 months ago during a previous conversation over at Faith’s blog,

    I’m seeing the BW’s empowerment message being embraced (at least in part) on a number of BW’s blogs that had previously been dead-set against the idea.

    It’s been amusing to watch the online “conversation comfort zone” in which several rabid and known “Ikettes” operate get smaller and smaller.

    What the “Ikettes” and their Internet Ike Turner-puppetmasters don’t realize is that AA men’s ongoing failures and DBR behavior is the greatest and the most successful “recruiting sergeant” ever for spreading the BWE message.

    Damaged Beyond Repair AA males are inadvertently proving the truth of the BWE analysis of AA women’s situation by their behavior!

    And by their ongoing refusal to protect and provide for BW and children, AA men in general are burning their bridges with ever-increasing numbers of AA women. [Including the BW who previously felt politically obligated to support them.]

    From what you said earlier, your conversation last summer with some educated, professional, on-the-surface-only-“good BM” DBR AA males was the final straw that fully yanked the scales off your eyes.

    I had a similar experience a few years ago. It was the series of deeply selfish, DBR-type comments from so-called “conscious brothers” at a “Black Love/Black Unity” blog that ultimately pushed me all the way OUT of Black Nationalist ideology. [And I had previously believed in that ideology since college.]

    The things these so-called “conscious brothers” said on that and other “Black love” blogs shocked me into the realization that the masses of AA males will NEVER protect and provide for BW and children—BW are on their own, and need to act accordingly!

    So, whether the partially-aware and still indoctrinated AA women like it or not, there’s NO going back to sleep after one’s eyelids come even partially open.

    . . . Well, I believe these partially-indoctrinated, mostly-frustrated AA women are angry at self-actualizing AA women for several reasons:

    1-Misery loves company.

    2-Misery also loves to pretend that it’s not miserable—that “things aren’t that bad.” [Which incidentally, seems to be almost a mantra among indoctrinated AA women.

    In response to almost any suggested course of action to seek abundant life they automatically say, “Things aren’t that bad that BW need to do X, Y, Z.” Things like think in terms of gender first, date interracially, move out of Black residential areas, etc.]

    3-At heart, they would really like to go back to sleep in the Matrix. Each new power fluctuation caused by another AA woman “unplugging” herself from the Matrix makes it impossible to go back to sleep. They’re hoping that if all the escapees fail, then they’ll be able to get back into their trance.

    To continue the Matrix analogy {chuckling}: It’s very similar to the Judas character from the 1st Matrix movie. When he talked about his reward for betraying the other escapees, he said that he daydreamed about eating a big, juicy (fake) steak. And, most of all, that he didn’t want to remember ANYTHING about the real world. And so it is with these resentful women.

    http://actsoffaithblog.com/pushback-from-the-partially-aware-but-still-indoctrinated-black-woman
    __________________________________

    JoyousNerd,

    You said, “As more and more of us continue to live well and spread the word by example, there will be nothing they can do to stop this change. So they will start to front like they were down from day one.”

    Yep.*

    [*A note to Muslim readers: This will be similar to what happened during the early days of Islam. As the Muslims began to gain power and influence, there were increasing numbers of hypocrites who claimed false allegiance to the deen. Then there were others who sincerely came to the deen in good faith after watching the Muslims become established in the land. People generally want to be on the winning side. Which is why Allah (SWT) said the following in Surah 110 of the Noble Qur’an:

    Surah 110 – Al Nasr THE HELP

    1. When comes the Help of God, and Victory,

    2. And thou dost see the people enter God’s Religion in crowds,

    3. Celebrate the praises of thy Lord, and pray for His Forgiveness: For He is Oft-Returning (in Grace and Mercy).

    Indeed. And God truly knows best. After the victory comes is when everybody claims to have always been in support of the winning side. :-)]

    Expect Success!

  4. halima says:

    such an encouraging post, and i have a need for it today! lol. Indeed khadija we have come a long way as BWE havent we!

    Sometimes I think we havent done enough and get all frantic but then i look round and see that there is a certain change in the tone of conversations and folk know they cannot just say certain things without inserting a dozen caveats or make demands on bw goodwill as they used to feel entitled to do.

    One thing I have really learnt as a BWE writer is that the self ego needs to be put aside to do this work. So many of us BWE are still at it today because we kept our egos in check. There were times our egos could have destroyed our work but I commend those who pushed beyond that, even though it was the hardest!

    Yes one thing we have done is raise the tone of the conversations, made bw become self aware and realize that, no they didnt need to accept the terms and conditions of the BC, they didnt have to ‘trust and depend on BM getting it together’, they could go on ahead with life.

    I am happy to play my part.

    I am happy also for a new generation of BWE who will take up the mantel and take this here thing to higher heights(I know there is one particular kick-a*s BWE just on the horizon, i can feel it in my bones). I am doing my best to enshrine the core concepts so they know the touchstones to guide their work however trusting that they will find more ingenious ways of passing on the message.

    and yes living well is the best testimony!

  5. Hello there, Halima!

    Before I say anything else, let me say the following: I can’t possibly thank you, Sara, Evia, CW, Gina, Shecodes, Pioneer Valley Woman, Focused Purpose and all the other pioneering BW bloggers enough. THANK YOU ALL for the work that you’ve done. You’ve helped many, many BW with your work. Including me. 🙂

    It was Gina’s reporting about The Dunbar Village Atrocity and Aftermath that first shook me out of my Black Nationalist trance. I was extremely disoriented after I snapped out of that complacent trance, and realized that I had been gravely mistaken about many things concerning the AA collective. And reading the essays written by you and other pioneers helped me during that turbulent time of rethinking and reconsidering everything I had previously believed about Black folks.

    You said, “such an encouraging post, and i have a need for it today! lol. Indeed khadija we have come a long way as BWE havent we!”

    The thing is that you can never really know the full effects of your work. I think about the time I spent silently reading various pioneers’ blogs, and mulling over the things y’all were saying. I was silent for quite some time before I started commenting on any blogs. The same way that I was silently coming to new conclusions and making new moves, there are other BW out there who are silently renewing their minds and making new moves.

    Yes, the BWE movement has come a long way! LOL!

    You said, “Sometimes I think we havent done enough and get all frantic but then i look round and see that there is a certain change in the tone of conversations and folk know they cannot just say certain things without inserting a dozen caveats or make demands on bw goodwill as they used to feel entitled to do.

    . . . Yes one thing we have done is raise the tone of the conversations, made bw become self aware and realize that, no they didnt need to accept the terms and conditions of the BC, they didnt have to ‘trust and depend on BM getting it together’, they could go on ahead with life. “

    Oh yeah, the conversations have changed drastically in just the short amount of time that I’ve been paying attention to such things (about 3 years). When you think about how long most social movements take to see any progress, that’s an incredibly SHORT period of time in which to see visible results of one’s work. In fact, it’s unheard of to see visible changes that quickly.

    I predict that the process will continue to accelerate as increasing numbers of BW realize that they DON’T have to be bothered. And that, if they’re willing to step outside their all-Black false comfort zones, they can exercise the same range of options as Asian women.

    I also predict that our BWE work will become obsolete within the next decade. This cuts both ways. I believe that any BW who is going to live free will attain freedom within the next 10 years. Those BW who don’t wake up and free themselves within the next 10 years will be literally trapped in all-Black Rwanda-zones—living lives filled with suffering like the women in the Congo. So, I believe there will be 2 categories of BW living in the West: Free, self-actualizing BW who will have a similar range of lifestyle choices as Asian women in the West. And “the damned”—the BW who lead nightmarish, underclass lives filled with suffering in Rwanda-like, all-Black enclaves.

    You said, “One thing I have really learnt as a BWE writer is that the self ego needs to be put aside to do this work. So many of us BWE are still at it today because we kept our egos in check. There were times our egos could have destroyed our work but I commend those who pushed beyond that, even though it was the hardest!”

    That’s why the Ikes and Ikettes are desperate to try to invent some “infighting” among various BWE bloggers. This little ploy is so transparent that it’s almost comical. The same way these individuals’ obsessive stalking of BWE blogs is almost comical. Why bother stalking a movement that they claim to believe can’t succeed? Some of these Ikes and Ikettes spend more time at our various blogs than we do as the blog hosts! LOL! Guuurl, they’re in the grips of hysteria. {more chuckling}

    Expect Success!

  6. I just want you all to know–Halima, Gina, Khadija, Evia, Faith, Cher, Betty Chambers, et al., you are my she-ros. The support that I’ve gotten from all of you–both directly and indirectly–has helped so much in spreading the NWNW message. I hope that all of you will sign on the Essence.com online forum on NWNW on Oct. 20 at 7PM EST. Once again, I ask for your support, encouragement and advice. I want to make you proud!

  7. Sharifa says:

    Thanks so much for this recap and review of where the BWE movement is, needs to go in the future, and what opposition we can expect. Thank you (and all the other BWE bloggers) for the work that you’re doing. I know you will be richly rewarded. I can’t tell you how important your work has been to me.

  8. Faith Dow says:

    This was a excellent assessment and a moment for us to reflect. Since the foundation is firm we can continue to build and other women can add their own contributions & voices. I’ve always enjoyed the exchange of ideas even though I’ve been challenged, have felt uncomfortable or needed to let new ideologies marinate. The core value is that these conversations have led to change for all of us on a variety of levels. The emerging sense of confidence as we reclaim lost parts of ourselves in the simple realization that we deserve the same things other women experience in their communities lifts a huge burden. We are strengthened by loosening ourselves from the grips of non-beneficial situations and people. The inner peace that results makes it a lot easier to cope with the day-to-day ebbs & flows of life and it’s priceless. I really hope the message spreads to young girls more than anything so they can avoid being made to feel less than in the first place!

  9. Christelyn,

    Thank you for your kind words, and the outstanding work you’ve been doing. You’ve moved this movement significantly forward! Onward to victory!
    _________________________________

    Sharifa,

    You’re welcome, and thank YOU for your ongoing support; I truly appreciate it.
    _________________________________

    Faith,

    Thank you for your kind words and ongoing support; I truly appreciate it. Unlike James Bond’s martinis, I’ve been shaken AND stirred by many of the conversations going on in BWE circles. It’s been for the good, because the conversations (even the startling ones) have enhanced my life in many ways large and small.

    You said, “I really hope the message spreads to young girls more than anything so they can avoid being made to feel less than in the first place!”

    I expect that to be a natural byproduct of more BW escaping into abundant lives. Each BW who finds abundance also happens to be somebody’s daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, and so on. There will increasing numbers of little Black girls who see and hear about their Aunt/Cousin So & So living well. That’s the nice thing about ripples—they naturally spread outward. Onward to victory!

    Expect Success!

    • IRockIRoll says:

      I can attest to other people who you aren’t aware of watching you, seeing the progress, and quietly making changes in their own lives. And if THEY aren’t watching, their kids are. As I said previously, I have a cousin close in age who has repeatedly stated that when she has children, she will be married and this is largely based on how our family treated us after our mothers left our fathers. Basically, while I was not aware of this, she was taking much more serious notes on how my mom was treated versus hers. She saw I was getting better childhood support.

      You don’t need to “rub” anything in adults faces about your new lifestyles and choices if they have children and you want them to get the message. Children/cousins/aunties, whoever will start paying attention and making quiet adjustments if they see that even after whatever heat you may take for being different, your quality of life is still better.

  10. Valerie says:

    Well Done and excellent piece. I love your writing and how you explain things so clearly. I hope and pray more Black women wake up and they are waking up and realise they deserve to live the abundant life. God bless you.

  11. Evia says:

    Khadija, Bravo on this assessment of the success of the BWIR/BWE campaign. I also want to say Thank You to ALL of you for your support, insight, pep talks, for watching my back when I wasn’t looking, etc. for sending me the links to PROVE to beaten-down bw that there is another living-well reality out there for them–if they would just reach out for it.

    I also want to say to the other pioneers that you you have no idea how much your UNDERSTANDING of my language, my message has meant to me. Sometimes, a person can speak and no one UNDERSTANDS them, so the person becomes more and more silent until they finally give up, but many of Y’ALL understood from the getgo and affirmed the message!!!

    I also want to say a special Thank YOU to FELICIA, who doesn’t have a blog, but was/is tireless in her dedication over these 4 years to SHOWING and PROVING to bw (by sending me countless links to pics and stories) and in her comments that there are numerous Quality, loving, and lovable men in the global village who honor bw everyday by marrying them and showing the world that bw are the women they’ve chosen to be the mothers of their children. There is NO higher honor that a man can give a woman.

    From having worked in the mental health field, I knew from the outset that AA women’s self-concepts and the LANGUAGE surrounding the concepts are so critical in changing the way many AA women view bm, the bc, the world, and thus the perceptions that the world has about them. The language needed changing and continues to need change. Changing the language is the most critical aspect. “It’s not what people call you; it’s what you answer to that counts,” is an old saying. The poison is spread through language, so the antidote has to come through a new language.

    Since I hadn’t lived among AAs during my adult years, I knew in general that the reason why so many AA women were living foul, answering to foulness–foul names, foul treatment, etc. had to be largely because they hadn’t had a chance to live among others who uplifted them rather than degrade them, or among those who use a positive/uplifting language with them in personal interactions. That had to be the reason because I’d come from the same background as the average AA woman.

    Let me back up a bit, however–since history is important. This all started for me due to 2 AA women (one married, one divorced) on my job who showed me more and more of their jealous fangs over a period of 2 years. Then one day the rabidness of one them broke through totally at me. Their haterade towards me stemmed from the fact that they couldn’t understand why my husband actually performed his role and I thus had a relative-to-theirs carefree life. No man they’d ever associated with performed his role or treated them in the lovable way my husband treated/treats me! Thus they were always stressed to the max performing the roles of mothers and fathers, chief providers and protectors with their children and in their relationships with men. They were constantly being sc$ewed and dumped on. They couldn’t understand what I had going for me that they didn’t have and/or why they always pulled the losers.

    It was simple for me to see why I lived well and they didn’t: they only believed in mingling and mating with bm and ALL of the bm they mingled with were DBRs, but they couldn’t connect the dots. I noticed right away that barely any AA women I was around was able to call these males they mingled with what they were: damaged beyond repair LOSERS. I still notice how so many AAs cannot use the language regarding each other that would actually elevate their lives or set them free. However, I’m not wired that way.

    So, I pondered why these bw continued to mingle with DBR/loser-bm, yet said they wanted something else. I wondered why they didn’t look elsewhere for men of QUALITY–among non-bm and bm from other cultures. At that point, I hadn’t connected the dots re how dumbed-down and programmed so many AA women are to be sista soldier type suicide bombers if necessary to be with a bm or save ‘alla our people.’

    Then I stumbled across Halima’s site and message and a light bulb came on for me because she pointed like a laser beam at the PROGRAMS and scripts that indoctrinate bw, and I definitely understood programs and scripts because I’d worked almost 2 decades as a behavior modification specialist, and behavior-mod is all about non-stop programs and scripts running around in peoples’ heads–and the accompanying rewards and punishments.

    Then a biracial (black father-white mother)British woman who called herself the Racial Realist began to come to my site and comment. She was very intelligent but so very, very PRO-bm on her site to the point of insanity. IMO, her insane adherence to worshipping at the altar of non-reciprocating bm proved what Halima was saying, that a very insidious, embedded program was working on these supposedly intelligent bw. It’s as simple as a computer chip in a computer. As long as the chip is there, the computer will perform the same loop–FOREVER.

    So I knew that the chip had to be, at least, revealed. We’re still trying to reveal/extract that suicidal chip, but I’m thrilled that YES, WE all–TOGETHER— have made a ton of progress!

    And, yes, yes, yes!–it’s so important for bw NOT to fight each other or even to hate on or fight other groups of women. What is there to GAIN from it????? Openly fighting other women is a prime way that women COOPERATE with their sexist oppressors.

    As I’ve pointed out repeatedly, it’s not ww, aw, hw, or even light-skinned or biracial women’s fault that bm salivate over them. And once you realize that the typical AA male is of Low Value (LV) or No Value (NV) when it comes to providing and protecting bw, (a male’s chief role), it’s idiotic to hate on or fight other women because an LV or NV man prefers them. Even if you win the fight and get him, you still have NOTHING!

    • Hodan says:

      wow, I would like to barrow this quote from you:

      “Changing the language is the most critical aspect. “It’s not what people call you; it’s what you answer to that counts,” is an old saying. The poison is spread through language, so the antidote has to come through a new language.”

      Evia: “As I’ve pointed out repeatedly, it’s not ww, aw, hw, or even light-skinned or biracial women’s fault that bm salivate over them. And once you realize that the typical AA male is of Low Value (LV) or No Value (NV) when it comes to providing and protecting bw, (a male’s chief role), it’s idiotic to hate on or fight other women because an LV or NV man prefers them. Even if you win the fight and get him, you still have NOTHING!”

      Hodan: Very true, when I was in high school, there were so much hatred directed @ me and other black girls of African background by girls we thought should be like sisters to us. At the time I did not understand the self hate the black culture and black men have programed in these young girls….where they thought because we were considered somehow less black with ‘good hair’ or ‘color,’ by those color stuck black boys, we would think superior to them. It was not until my senior yr, where I decided to extend an olive branch to these girls and hang out with them instead of my usual polish/spanish/canadian friends that I understood the psychology that derived their competitiveness over meaningful things that did not include academic achievement.

      I love your words of wisdom and I learned a lot from you, even though I’m a lurker @ your site.

    • ak says:

      Yes Evia! Felicia is very good and I want to thank her for her contributions to websites like yours too. What stands out in my mind is when she gave you the information from the Jet magazines archives from 1953 that had two Jet magazines showing pictures and stories of BW-WM interracial marriages around the time. And some of those marriages were to men who came from rich possibly ‘old money’ families as well as one or two self-made millionaires.

    • ak says:

      Evia, to me anyway, I think you were THE one who coined the phrase and abbreviation ‘damaged beyond repair’ or ‘DBR’ and I want to thank you for that! Seriously.

      There really is no other way of saying it.

  12. Nysee says:

    Khadija,
    I was thinking how Black women are getting it. Even though it may come slow, once the momentum catch up look out. We have been sold a false bill of goods and I feel the Black churches have
    benefited from the single BW, because they know that marriages are the foundations.This not say that if a woman wants to be single is wrong, but I believe she may feels that it should be her choice.
    Deep down every woman wants protection and provision. Lately, I have seen people stand out in front of City Hall in Chicago and so far those marriages that I have seen have been BW/WM.
    The more BW see how other men do find us beautiful and intelligent we are then many BW are looking into their lives and starting to make sure they put their best foot forward.
    Keep doing what you are doing. Also by reading your blog, I am going to the salon more (lol) and making sure I am letting my feminine side show more.
    Again, keep up the good work.

    • ak says:

      Nysee:

      We have been sold a false bill of goods and I feel the Black churches have benefited from the single BW, because they know that marriages are the foundations.

      Yeah but any of the black churches that have been encouraging black women to stay single and ‘wait on God’ forever and ever until ‘God gives them a sign’ for the ‘right man’ coming along are all doing evil, bad faith things and they are not practicing what the Bible is saying.

      Meanwhile some white churches and definitely the Jewish temples encourage ‘singles nights’ for their followers and attendees. Jehovah’s Witnesses may ban blood transfusions among their followers but they do encourage dating with chaperones!

  13. Nysee says:

    Sorry for the previous long post. Another thing to add that even if BW may say this or that, pretty soon when certain events start coming at your doorstep, then you will either fight or flight. Hopefully FLEE QUICK, FAST AND IN A HURRY.I see so many BW who you can not tell if they are She’s or He due to their environment of having to adapt a male mentality. Like I said I will even treat a BW to a manicure. No, it may not be much but you have start small and the more she see how beautiful she is then she will make changes out of her own Matrix and into the a
    fulfilling lifestyle.
    Again sorry for the long post.

  14. Valerie,

    Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it. And may God bless you in return!
    ________________________________________

    Evia,

    THANK YOU for the pioneering work that you’ve done. As I mentioned above to Halima, you and the other pioneers have helped many, many BW with your work. Including me!

    I’ve been thinking about the progress made by the BWE movement for a while. But I didn’t get the idea to write a post about the trends I’ve noticed until after I read a recent post by a pioneering BW blogger (she knows who she is :-)).

    You said, “From having worked in the mental health field, I knew from the outset that AA women’s self-concepts and the LANGUAGE surrounding the concepts are so critical in changing the way many AA women view bm, the bc, the world, and thus the perceptions that the world has about them. The language needed changing and continues to need change. Changing the language is the most critical aspect. “It’s not what people call you; it’s what you answer to that counts,” is an old saying. The poison is spread through language, so the antidote has to come through a new language.”

    When I think back to the reactions I had when I first ran across the pioneers’ blogs, it was the CLEAR, call-a-spade-a-spade language that caught my attention. Particularly the term “DBRBM.” One of Satan’s tricks for deceiving humans into accepting evil is to give pleasing names to ugly things. The antidote to this deception is to truthfully and clearly call things what they are.

    The current mass AA acceptance of oow is a perfect example of this Satanic trick. We mistakenly thought we were being kind when we stopped using truthful, accurate words like “illegitimate,” and “bastard.” No…all we accomplished by no longer using these words was to grease the road leading to the current nonextistence of intact AA families.

    There are other language-based examples of this Satanic trick. Expressions like “help a brother out…,””Black Man Working,” and assorted other madness that seeks to absolve AA men of any responsibility for performing MEN’S basic function as protectors and providers.

    So, yes—the language and vocabulary has to change and get into alignment with the truth.

    You said, “Then a biracial (black father-white mother)British woman who called herself the Racial Realist began to come to my site and comment. She was very intelligent but so very, very PRO-bm on her site to the point of insanity. IMO, her insane adherence to worshipping at the altar of non-reciprocating bm proved what Halima was saying, that a very insidious, embedded program was working on these supposedly intelligent bw. It’s as simple as a computer chip in a computer. As long as the chip is there, the computer will perform the same loop–FOREVER.”

    Well, the Ruminations of a Racial Realist blog was the Black love/Black unity blog where the comments by the so-called “conscious brothers” pushed me all the way OUT of my prior belief in Black Nationalism. That was the blog where the AA male commenter stated that he felt BW were being “programmed” to artificially want marriage; and asked somebody to explain what “real” value marriage has.

    Another thing was how the “conscious brothers” over there would YAWN in response to any atrocity BM committed against AA women. They would yawn, and without missing a beat, get back to whining about how they felt victimized by WM. That was also the blog where a hate-filled African would come to vent his bile on the Western Black folks at the blog (ignoring the mass anti-African racism of most Black Latinos and Black Arabs, who generally want nothing to do with Africa or Black Africans).

    My last straw at that blog was when a bunch of so-called “conscious brothers” cheered on a BW for holding out for “nuthin’ but a BM” DESPITE the facts that:

    1-She was in an environment with very few BM.
    2-The few BM in her environment exclusively dated nonblack women.
    3-Her biological clock was ticking.

    That episode was when I first got on my (ill-repaired :-)) soapbox as a commenter, and started yelling about how BW have the SAME God-given right to marriage and legitimate family life as women from every other race. Which was one of several topics that led to a protracted debate between me and Ms. Racial Realist-blog host’s (at the time undercover) boyfriend that she later married.

    Among other incidents during that period of time, this Negro had challenged some BW bloggers to a debate on that blog. WITHOUT disclosing his relationship with the blog host. He was dishonestly pretending to simply be just another random person in the blog’s audience. [I had run across a photo online of them hugged up together, which is how I knew they were a couple.]

    All in all, the things these so-called “conscious brothers” said over at the Racial Realist and other “Black love” blogs shocked me into the realization that the masses of AA males will NEVER protect and provide for BW and children—BW are on their own, and need to act accordingly!

    You said, “So I knew that the chip had to be, at least, revealed. We’re still trying to reveal/extract that suicidal chip, but I’m thrilled that YES, WE all–TOGETHER– have made a ton of progress!”

    Yes, praise God!
    ___________________________________________

    Nysee,

    Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “I was thinking how Black women are getting it. Even though it may come slow, once the momentum catch up look out.”

    Oh yeah, once the dam breaks and AA women stop restricting themselves to BM, AA women will give Asian women a run for their money in terms of maximizing their options!

    Expect Success!

  15. Evia says:

    Khadija, my last comment is that I also want to Thank Lorraine for constantly supplying a bunch of critical info and for being there to support the cause. She has shown that she doesn’t just ‘talk the talk,’ but also puts herself out there to ‘walk the walk.’

    And re:

    it was the CLEAR, call-a-spade-a-spade language that caught my attention. Particularly the term “DBRBM.”

    Gurrl, have I taken lumps for that term–LOL!–but I came up with it AFTER reading the book “Black Men: Single, Dangerous, Obsolete?” written by a Black nationalist man, Haki Madhubuti from Chicago. In it, he quotes a veteran black nationalist Chicago policeman who pointed out many AA men he’d dealt with were like eggs that have missing yolks. Those were HIS words. That egg is damaged beyond repair because no one can put the yolk inside the egg–MY words. This man was dedicated to making changes in the bc and had been in the trenches for years, but he clearly saw the obvious.

    It’s also abundantly clear that Haki’s opinion is that nothing of significance can change in the bc until AA males/men substantially improve and since he wrote that book, AA males have regressed bigtime. Black nationalist AA MEN like him can say things like that and other blacks nod in agreement, but when an AA woman says the obvious, folks get vicious.

    Oh Well . . . My last word on this is that AA women must do as my bm cousin advised: Mate out or Die out!” Although he’s not an AA male, he grew up around many AA males and can easily pass for an AA male. (So, he’s my spy! LOL!) He KNOWS AA males and he doesn’t understand why AA women are waiting or them or are so complacent.

    • ak says:

      Evia:

      Black nationalist AA MEN like him can say things like that and other blacks nod in agreement, but when an AA woman says the obvious, folks get vicious.

      Yes, yes, YES! Sexism and the overt, scorching disregard and hate for any black woman living and breathing even from other black women sometimes, that’s all it is.

  16. Aisha says:

    Thank you for this uplifting post. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

  17. Truth P. says:

    Khadija thank you so much for this post.It’s so good to know that things are changing for the better slowly but surely.
    I am so happy that we are taking charge of our lives.One thing that I didn’t like with some of the other AAW blogs is that so much of what we do seems to always be reactionary.You know,somebody or some black man does something to hurt or offend one of us and then we react to it after the fact.I like that this blog and so many others focus on keeping AAW from being victims of bm or anybody else in the first place.

    I have to list some excellent points that have been mentioned here and at other BWE blogs that will keep us from ever being victims of a lot of things other black women are victims of everyday.
    1.We have learned how to form healthy relationships with others and how to identify toxic NV LV people-This has helped us to know who’s worthy of our time and who to bypass because of their dysfunctional ways.We’ve learned how to form and to expect reciprocal relationships with not only men but everyone we have relationships with.We will NOT be used and abused by church folk, family, boyfriends, husbands, sisters,friends,bosses etc.

    2.NWNW-Many of us will not be singing that sad song about how we don’t have support from baby daddies.Our mothers sisters and girlfriends will be free to just be grandma’s and aunts.They will not be burdened with being surrogate mothers and fathers to our children.

    3.Dating,Marrying,and Mating with men of the global village-There is NO man shortage for us:)You won’t catch us participating in man sharing or crying about the preferences of black men

    4.Weight and health-All the sites that I have been to have spoken on AAW needing to focus on PREVENTION of diseases which includes eating healthy,learning to maintain a healthy weight,taking vitamins,not sharing men,not being with men that likes them “thick” or the chubby chasers.There has also been an emphasis on our mental health and well being.We’ve been told to
    stay away from toxic people and environments and to seek help if suffering from the effects of being around toxic pastors,men,women etc

    5.Education and Employment-We have been taught to be life long learners and to avoid unemployment by getting more education and learning new valuable skills.We have been taught that there probably are no more good jobs where you can be with a company for 30-40 years.We will keep a side hustle.There is also a focus on AAW business ownership and the fact that we need to support each other.

    Right now I am using most of this information to better myself.I’m still doing daycare, dog care for 1 dog, and house sitting.I will be going to college sometime next year.I recently ran into a white male friend who wants to reconnect so we’ll be hanging out.I plan on having him introduce me to some of his white males friends.I’ve also reconnected with some other friends I used to work with, and seeing as though they know that i’m a good worker, I am going to be getting them to write me up some recommendations for when I go look for another job.I have started drinking more water but I need to exercise more.I’m working on it.

  18. Felicia says:

    “I also want to say a special Thank YOU to FELICIA, who doesn’t have a blog, but was/is tireless in her dedication over these 4 years to SHOWING and PROVING to bw (by sending me countless links to pics and stories) and in her comments that there are numerous Quality, loving, and lovable men in the global village who honor bw everyday by marrying them and showing the world that bw are the women they’ve chosen to be the mothers of their children. There is NO higher honor that a man can give a woman.”

    Now that’s the truth, whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me God. A heart felt THANKS for the shout-out Evia!

    When I stumbled across your blog years ago – then found out about Halima’s site – I was HOOKED. I thought FINALLY some BW out there with some sense, who were unafraid to boldly go where no other BW I had come across previously had gone before. Really, it was if I was reading my own thoughts. And the killing thing is we ALL know – even the detractors (ESPECIALLY the detractors)- that the observations being made (along with the solutions) are just plain common sense. But people have been surrounded by the insanity for so long, just marinating in it, that it can sound frightening to some I suppose to hear someone with the audacity to honestly tell it like it is.

    Anyway, now there’s Khadija, Sara, Lorraine, Christelyn, Betty Chambers, Aimee, CW, oh my GOD! I can’t even remember everyone now…LOL (but ya’ll know who you are and the universe thanks you) This BWE Heaven sent message has just taken on a life of it’s own! It’s gaining momentum everyday. We have all planted immeasurable seeds and impacted the universe in such a positive way that we will never know how many lives we’ve touched, uplifted, and actually SAVED.

    I feel that sending the pics, links, and articles that I come across is the least that I can do. I don’t have the time (and with two young sons frankly the energy) to set up a blog/website, but I sure and DELIGHTED that all of you who do have.

    Ya’ll are LIFE SAVERS and ENHANCERS and as always I encourage EVERYONE who hears, agrees with, understands, and supports the BWE message to continue to do what every you can to spread the word in big or little ways. Online and off.

    Because we’re all making a heck of a difference.

    GREAT summation of the current situation BWE wise Khadija.

    I wish everyone a FANTASTIC weekend and God bless!

  19. halima says:

    Its amazing how we all built off the basic premise of ‘bw getting her just entitlements’ . Evia you broke it down and ‘conceptualized’ many fundamental ideas to BWE, without Khadija i dont think comonsense ideals would have been pushed through with such force lol! Trust me on the sheer force of Khadijas personality folks accepted the truth where they would have tried to do some arguing just for arguing sake lol!

    some folk no longer blog but i thank them for pushing through the message to a wider base, and PVW made sure we were not wandering too far off from core womanist principles lol! Felicia was the anonymous who would take on anyone on statistics (I missed my statistic lectures so not my major point at all lol)!.

    it is indeed amazing how we bounced off and built off each other. Newer BWE are taking things more mainstream (and you all know that no one would allow some of us oldies anywhere near mainstream portals lol).

    so if i never get the opportunity to say this again I want to thank every and any one who identifies with the task of BWE, those who were there from the beginning and the middle and then now, even those on the margins but who are pushing a ‘bw are worth it’ messgae have sonme thanks lol! I am thankful to all of you and us and pray a special blessing on you, so you will not miss your reward for your hard work.

    anyway enough mushiness for one night!

  20. To The Reader Whose Comment I Deleted,

    To answer your recent question about why I deleted your comment from earlier today:

    I deleted your comment because it seemed strange and nonproductive. Since this is my blog, I’m the one who gets to decide what sounds/feel strange and nonproductive. In the context of the BWE work I’m doing here, strange = suspicious. And I don’t publish comments that I find to be suspicious in any way.

    Here’s why—From the previous blog, the Internet Ikes and Ikettes have learned not to try to cross certain red lines with me. They learned this from personally experiencing the effects of some online security measures that I took behind the scenes at the first blog. Security measures that don’t affect normal people, but are a source of great worry to some of these trolls. A few of them were whining about these measures on some Internet Ike Turner sites—I was pleased to see this public whining because it had the unintended effect of warning other wannabe trolls away from trying to “go there” with me.

    Among other things, the Internet Ike Turners know that I WON’T hesitate to contact the local FBI field office in their area (in addition to their local municipal law enforcement) if they EVER say or do anything that I find to constitute a threat.

    So, most of the trolls have learned not to bother trying to interject themselves into these conversations—I won’t publish their comments. They’ve also learned to be VERY cautious about anything they say to me, because I’m not the one. And the nice thing is that the WordPress blogging platform I’m using for this blog automatically creates even more ways of keeping track of unwelcome visitors. 🙂

    Because of the above, the trolls have learned to try to be subtle in their Derailing For Dummies tactics. Instead of trying to interject openly belligerent or disruptive comments, the trolls try to be subtle with it (like K.Michel’s nonsense from a recent conversation).

    Therefore, whenever I’m presented with a comment that feels strange or off-kilter from a commenter that I’m not very familiar with, I DON’T give that comment the benefit of any doubts. I delete it and keep moving. This is why your comment from earlier today was deleted.

    Expect Success!

  21. Evia,

    You said, “My last word on this is that AA women must do as my bm cousin advised: Mate out or Die out!” Although he’s not an AA male, he grew up around many AA males and can easily pass for an AA male. (So, he’s my spy! LOL!) He KNOWS AA males and he doesn’t understand why AA women are waiting or them or are so complacent.”

    Yep, that’s the bottom line. And, as you know, it’s not just your cousin who’s looking at this and not understanding why AA women are waiting on AA males. Many (if not most) non-AA men quietly hold most AA males in contempt as failed men. I’m sure most of us have had the experience of being in a mixed setting where a DBRBM says something that shows off his damage and weakness, and the nonblack men present start smirking and giving each other knowing “looks.”

    One example would be the Black male who publicly broadcasts the fact that he doesn’t want to perform the male duty of being a provider. And that he’s looking for a woman to provide for him. An example of this would be that “what does the woman bring to the table financially” talk that one ONLY hears from new-school, AA male weaklings (and similarly situated, weak, Western BM). I’ve NEVER heard a man from any another racial group form his lips to say something as crazy as that in public—other men are raised to be providers for their women and children.

    I’ve watched the subtle, public negative reaction among nonblack men when a Negro says something like that. I can just imagine what these nonblack men are saying among themselves in private. Probably something similar to the reactions I’ve overheard from old-school AA men in response to that type of weakness—to ridicule the Negro who said that as a “buster,” and a “punk.” (And another p-word that I wasn’t supposed to overhear them saying—gentlemen with old-school values don’t curse in front of ladies.)
    _______________________________

    Aisha,

    You’re welcome!
    _______________________________

    TruthP.,

    You’re welcom, and thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “I am so happy that we are taking charge of our lives.One thing that I didn’t like with some of the other AAW blogs is that so much of what we do seems to always be reactionary.You know,somebody or some black man does something to hurt or offend one of us and then we react to it after the fact.I like that this blog and so many others focus on keeping AAW from being victims of bm or anybody else in the first place.”

    That’s exactly correct! And I love your excellent summary of the BWE platform. 🙂
    ____________________________________

    Felicia,

    Thank you for your kind words, ongoing support, and your fantastic work in support of abundant life for BW. I truly appreciate all that you’ve done and continue to do.
    ____________________________________

    Halima,

    You said, “Trust me on the sheer force of Khadijas personality folks accepted the truth where they would have tried to do some arguing just for arguing sake lol!”

    {chuckling} Well, some things are just too self-evident. I can’t imagine debating about whether or not up is up and down is down.

    You said, “it is indeed amazing how we bounced off and built off each other. Newer BWE are taking things more mainstream (and you all know that no one would allow some of us oldies anywhere near mainstream portals lol).”

    Yes, it’s been extremely gratifying to see other, newer folks lift their voices and make their own unique contributions in support of abundant life for BW. It’s pleasing to watch others take the BWE message much further that I could, and into venues I can’t go. God is Good. 🙂

    Expect Success!

  22. To Another Reader Whose Comments I’ve Deleted Today,

    I’ve warned you in the past against making up new screen names for each conversation here. That’s dishonest. You don’t seem to be listening when I say that. So let me repeat the warning one last time: I’m NOT going to publish any comments from you with these newly invented screen names. If you continue engaging in this behavior of making up an endless series of new screen names, you’ll be permanently banned from these conversations.

    Being allowed to participate in the conversations here means accepting some small measure of accountability for your statements. This means consistently using the same screen name for your comments here.

    Expect Success!

  23. Joyousnerd says:

    This conversation is making me look back and assess my life since I’ve discovered these blogs. I was always pro-IR from day one, and I never bought in to many of the limiting concepts that some other BW did. And yet, I still had so much growing yet to do… I had to come to terms with my weight and self presentation, my “sista soldiering”, my bad habit of therapy talk, and other less than ideal thought patterns and poor habits.

    I’ve made so many impressive changes in my life over these past years, and I’ve finally come to terms with another big life change I need to make. I’m taking my time to do what’s best for ME, and I’m doing it *strategically* unlike most others in my shoes. Sorry to be cryptic, but lots of you feel me on this.

    I owe so much to this movement and I can’t wait till I can contribute too.

    • ak says:

      Trust me, I’m the same in a lot of ways. What I like about Khadija’s blog and also a certain dark blue blog is that they both focus unwaveringly on introspection for black women because hey sometimes the problem is just with me! LOL LOL But it’s true. Once you fix up your life little by little and make changes, you lose hopefully any toxixity and any toxic people around you.

      So introspection is for the best.

  24. “Ink,”

    Did you see the caption that said, “To Another Reader Whose Comments I’ve Deleted Today”? (emphasis added in bold)

    It should have been obvious that this comment about having a different screen name for each conversation was directed to somebody other than you.

    I usually don’t refer to commenters by name in reference to deleted comments. I try not to unnecessarily embarass anybody. However, since you’re pursuing this issue at length (and with a slight attitude in your tone), I figured that I’d address you specifically by screen name.

    Good Night.

  25. ann says:

    Ladies you all have done a great service to AA women and girls. I know your Mothers, Grandmothers and Aunts would be and are very proud of all of your efforts.

    ann

  26. Hodan says:

    Another great article that is making me think about the indoctrination we all face, regardless what ‘African or black’ culture we hail from. I can honestly say I don’t know what motivated me to start reading your blog or others, but I remember one day reading this story about a famous black actress who is divorcing her white husband and the glee I read from other black men and some black women commenting on it shocked me. As a woman of African heritage, a Muslim, Somali, Canadian, etc, etc…..I never examined the whole black love or racial discourse since I did not grow up being aware of it. However, as someone who grew up in Canada and seen & sometimes directly felt racism and Islamaphobia, I understood the many protective if not toxic normalization my community and others have adopted. So, it was a shock to the system that these black people were happy a black woman was going through a painful process and I said it in my comments to them.

    Its from there that I discovered Evia’s blog and again surprised there were blogs advocating for black women to expand their marital options and not settle for what she uniquely termed ‘low value’ or ‘no value’ men. From her site I discovered yours and was happy to see a fellow black Muslim with an amazing blog and discussion about issues I’ve often thought about and debated with my family and friends….but did not feel affirmed by people around me. Like you and many others I identified with black nationalism ideology even if I did not call it such. Often speaking from male identified privilege, one that does not even serve the interest and future of black women. So, its true when you say black women are on their own by and large when it comes to what serves their interest, protection and any future off springs they might have.

    I am privileged to come from a loving family, but in my own community its rare to see an active present father, while the women are raising kids on their own. I jokingly say to some of my girlfriends who envy Somali family and how they have their fathers: the difference between Jamaicans and Somalis is that Somali men marry the mothers, where unwed kids are extremely rare, but they are still absent from the family picture. To be fair many of these men are away working for their families, but providing the cheque does not equate to fatherhood in our society today.

    I believe the black cultural pathology whether its African American, Afro-Canadians, Caribbeans, Africans is one where it normalized this idea that its okay for women to raise their families alone and men are negligible. Every other culture has strong father presence except us and its tragic and we all are paying for it today. Without getting into much details….African families in Canada and US feel the gap of fatherhood today than back home when they had a whole community of support. I see it in the rise of male high school dropouts, gang violence, shootings, juvy inmates who are Somalians, Nigerians, Ethiopians, etc, etc….sometimes replacing Jamaicans and West Indie youth in prison. Our girls are flourishing, but they are leaving the boys behind.

    Khadija: “[*A note to Muslim readers: This will be similar to what happened during the early days of Islam. As the Muslims began to gain power and influence, there were increasing numbers of hypocrites who claimed false allegiance to the deen. Then there were others who sincerely came to the deen in good faith after watching the Muslims become established in the land. People generally want to be on the winning side. Which is why Allah (SWT) said the following in Surah 110 of the Noble Qur’an:

    Surah 110 – Al Nasr THE HELP

    1. When comes the Help of God, and Victory,

    2. And thou dost see the people enter God’s Religion in crowds,

    3. Celebrate the praises of thy Lord, and pray for His Forgiveness: For He is Oft-Returning (in Grace and Mercy).

    Indeed. And God truly knows best. After the victory comes is when everybody claims to have always been in support of the winning side”

    Hodan: lol, very apt and true.

    • ak says:

      Hodan:

      Without getting into much details….African families in Canada and US feel the gap of fatherhood today than back home when they had a whole community of support. I see it in the rise of male high school dropouts, gang violence, shootings, juvy inmates who are Somalians, Nigerians, Ethiopians, etc, etc….sometimes replacing Jamaicans and West Indie youth in prison. Our girls are flourishing, but they are leaving the boys behind.

      Huh! Hodan I’m glad it’s not just me seeing this. In London in the UK, Nigerians are replacing West Indians as far as young offenders are concerned in parts of south London for instance because their faces sometimes show up on the news with totally African sounding names, and Somalian young men are selling drugs on the streets in parts of north London quite a lot. But even within the West Indian collective as in the African one, in Britain some of the girls are flourishing and never give up, but their leaving the boys behind. The African men who maybe came ‘straight off of the boat’ act differently, as the Caribbean ones did decades ago.

  27. Karen says:

    Deep Martial Arts Bow to all of you!!!

    I have only been a commmenter sharing my experiences having left the Matrix at a very young age and have been living my Motto ever since:

    “Life, the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of my life. This ongoing mission: to explore different cultures and countries; to seek out new opportunities and new alliances; to go boldly where no AA woman has gone before”

    It is very encouraging to see that more and more AA BW and girls are getting it and if by sharing my experiences and advice has helped someone to move towards a life of possibilities, then that is one less life that would otherwise be trapped in the matrix.

    • Miss V says:

      “Life, the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of my life. This ongoing mission: to explore different cultures and countries; to seek out new opportunities and new alliances; to go boldly where no AA woman has gone before”

      Sista, this needs to be on a T-Shirt! I’ll buy it!

  28. mochachoc says:

    I too would like to thank you pioneer’s for opening my eye’s. I see the same dysfunctional behaviours amongst British born Caribbeans. Your teachings have ripped through my consciousness and is rippling outward.

    Recently I attended the funeral of an 80yr old relative. I was gobsmacked at the inappropriate attire of most of the women. I’m talking high heels, short dresses, dark glasses in church. Am I old fashioned now? I don’t know. 90% of the attendees were women. Where were the men? The few that were there seemed servile. Some were drinking alcohol and smoking weed outside the church. Remember I said this was the funeral of an 80yr old church woman not some young man gunned down prematurely. I fear for the next generation. There will be no guidance and standard set for them.

    I’ve lost about a stone and a half in weight (21 pounds) over several months. I keep a distance from my family now so they haven’t witnessed my weight loss until we met up at the funeral. From their reaction anyone would have believed I’m now a walking skeleton. It was not nice. I am truly untroubled by their jokes and I don’t think I would have been had I not spent the months of reading BWE blogs. (Interestingly one sister rang me up to say she was jealous and that I looked elegant. And one elderly gentleman seemed to adopt me that day going out of his way to ensure I was ok and he let everyone know I was his princess. I don’t know him from Adam LOL! So I know now the best way to change minds is by example).

    I must say I haven’t always enjoyed reading the work of BWE bloggers because I am no longer a young woman. I am someone who raised two children by myself and have made several of the mistakes listed. Sometimes my confidence has taken a knock as I try to find a way to make the message work for me. E.g I had my children out of wedlock but I would not tolerate anyone calling them a ‘bastard’. However, I keep reading because it is making a real and significant change to my life.

    So thank you Khadija, Evia and Halima (I haven’t got round to reading the others) and all the commenters who pad out the ideas in a rich and interesting way. Your ideas are spreading beyond the shores of the USA (oops I forgot Halima is British right?).

    • ak says:

      Mochachoc:

      I see the same dysfunctional behaviours amongst British born Caribbeans. Your teachings have ripped through my consciousness and is rippling outward.

      So do I.

  29. JoyousNerd,

    You said,“I’ve made so many impressive changes in my life over these past years, and I’ve finally come to terms with another big life change I need to make. I’m taking my time to do what’s best for ME, and I’m doing it *strategically* unlike most others in my shoes. Sorry to be cryptic, but lots of you feel me on this.”

    Oh, I definitely feel you. Stealth is important. The haters can’t sabotage what they don’t know about.
    ______________________________________

    Ann,

    Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it.
    ______________________________________

    Hodan,

    Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “Another great article that is making me think about the indoctrination we all face, regardless what ‘African or black’ culture we hail from.”

    When I examine the “Black world,” I see various forms of insanity everywhere the eye can look.

    You said, “Like you and many others I identified with black nationalism ideology even if I did not call it such. Often speaking from male identified privilege, one that does not even serve the interest and future of black women.”

    That was me. I was operating under the mistaken belief that, even though there were problems that were getting worse, we were “all in it together” as AA women and men. Black men’s online yawns in response to The Dunbar Village Atrocity, and the profoundly damaged and selfish statements made by the so-called “conscious brothers” at several Black love/Black unity blogs cured me of that mistaken belief.

    You said, “I jokingly say to some of my girlfriends who envy Somali family and how they have their fathers: the difference between Jamaicans and Somalis is that Somali men marry the mothers, where unwed kids are extremely rare, but they are still absent from the family picture. To be fair many of these men are away working for their families, but providing the cheque does not equate to fatherhood in our society today.

    I believe the black cultural pathology whether its African American, Afro-Canadians, Caribbeans, Africans is one where it normalized this idea that its okay for women to raise their families alone and men are negligible. Every other culture has strong father presence except us and its tragic and we all are paying for it today.”

    This is what I see among most of my married friends. These women are basically living like single parents who happen to be married. Their husbands financially support their families (although I don’t know a single AA stay at home mom—the women I know all work :-(), but supplying money is the extent of their involvement in their children’s day to day lives. These men are physically inside their houses, but emotionally they’re missing in action (MIA). It’s crazy. But then I realized that the bulk of these emotionally MIA husbands are fatherless men. They don’t know any better.

    In reference to the Quran quote you said, “lol, very apt and true.”

    Guurl, sometimes it’s downright hilarious to watch folks act like they were always for X—now that X has won and it’s socially safe to be in support of X.
    __________________________________

    Karen,

    Thank you for your kind words and ongoing support; I truly appreciate it.

    Expect Success!

  30. **Warning: EXTREMELY LONG REPLY :-)**

    Mochachoc,

    You’re welcome, and thank you for your kind words and ongoing support; I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “I too would like to thank you pioneer’s for opening my eye’s. I see the same dysfunctional behaviours amongst British born Caribbeans. Your teachings have ripped through my consciousness and is rippling outward….Your ideas are spreading beyond the shores of the USA (oops I forgot Halima is British right?”

    Yes, Halima is British. If I remember correctly, the Racial Realist blog host is also British. [She’s half White and half “African Caribbean,” which is how I’ve seen/heard Brits refer to the group. It seems that her Black father is one of those Black Power male hypocrites who talked hardcore Black stuff, but slept with and married White women.

    About the “African Caribbean” terminology that’s apparently used by Brits: This sounds odd to my American ears because the “British” identifier is totally missing from this term! I being to wonder if that’s a deliberate slight—a not so subtle way of telling the West Indian people they begged to come there after WWII that they won’t recognize them as fully British? Then again, maybe I’m reading things into that terminology that aren’t really there because I’m an outsider—I’m used to the US formula of “Fill in the Blank-American.“]

    You said, “Recently I attended the funeral of an 80yr old relative. I was gobsmacked at the inappropriate attire of most of the women. I’m talking high heels, short dresses, dark glasses in church. Am I old fashioned now? I don’t know. 90% of the attendees were women. Where were the men? The few that were there seemed servile. Some were drinking alcohol and smoking weed outside the church. Remember I said this was the funeral of an 80yr old church woman not some young man gunned down prematurely. I fear for the next generation. There will be no guidance and standard set for them.”

    I’ve noticed a similar transformation in terms of family compositions at various family gatherings and other events. When I was a girl, there were family UNITS that attended these sorts of events—married couples with their children came to Thanksgiving dinner at Big Mama’s house, funeral, etc. There was generally a husband for every adult woman present, unless the woman was elderly with a deceased husband. Now, you have single mothers bringing their children to various family events. There are very few adult men present. A live-in baby daddy or two may or may not show up. An adult never married, “player” BM cousin or two might show up. Out of my many, many, MANY male cousins, only 2 are solid family men…

    You said, “I’ve lost about a stone and a half in weight (21 pounds) over several months. I keep a distance from my family now so they haven’t witnessed my weight loss until we met up at the funeral. From their reaction anyone would have believed I’m now a walking skeleton. It was not nice. I am truly untroubled by their jokes and I don’t think I would have been had I not spent the months of reading BWE blogs.”

    Guurl, that’s sickening…but unfortunately quite common. Unfortunately, far too many (if not most) BW women are literally surrounded by haters and doubters. Starting with the genetically related ones.

    You said, “(Interestingly one sister rang me up to say she was jealous and that I looked elegant. And one elderly gentleman seemed to adopt me that day going out of his way to ensure I was ok and he let everyone know I was his princess. I don’t know him from Adam LOL! So I know now the best way to change minds is by example).”

    Thank goodness there were at least a few voices of sanity.

    You said, “I must say I haven’t always enjoyed reading the work of BWE bloggers because I am no longer a young woman. I am someone who raised two children by myself and have made several of the mistakes listed. Sometimes my confidence has taken a knock as I try to find a way to make the message work for me. E.g I had my children out of wedlock but I would not tolerate anyone calling them a ‘bastard’. However, I keep reading because it is making a real and significant change to my life.”

    You’re not alone. My realizations along the path to increased awareness haven’t always been pleasant. I woke up around age 40 and discovered that I had been gravely mistaken about many important things for the past 20 years. I started blogging for a combination of reasons: Wanting to “pay it forward” in gratitude for the work done by the pioneers; and worry about AAs’ mass delusional frolicking in the event that then-Sen. Obama was elected.

    Well, there were some other reasons I haven’t mentioned until now: Wanting to do what I could to fill some gaps that I had felt as a reader of various BW’s blogs. I may have been mistaken in my reaction, but mistaken or not I felt there were gaps that needed to be filled.

    One gap was the feeling that most of these blogs really weren’t for grown-ups who had been grown for more than a minute. It felt like most of these conversations were taking place exclusively among 20-somethings. And their attitudes were often quite dismissive toward anybody over say, 32. I felt unwelcome and old—in a bad way—when I read some of those conversations.

    Other conversations were filled with triumphant women commenters trumpeting their perfect, problem-free-environment lives. I felt unwelcome and somewhat inadequate while reading some of those conversations. I kept wondering, “Well, what about the rest of us who’ve made some mistakes and wrong turns along the way? What about those us of who aren’t already part of “Team Perfect”? Is there nothing we can do to find abundance?”

    Then there were the conversations among younger online activists. In their sometimes sweeping critiques and overall contempt for their activist elders who came before them, I felt unwelcome and old—in a bad way—when I read some of those conversations. Meanwhile, I watched them make mistakes in their activism that were obvious to anyone who was an “old-head” activist. This is why I did the Table Talk For Activists series of posts at the previous blog.

    Well, I didn’t just feel unwelcome, I KNEW I was unwelcome among the Unwed Mama Mafia blogs. I support marriage. And I support Black children having the benefit of legitimacy and growing up within intact, married households. This is not to beat anybody over the head with a club if things didn’t work out that way for them or their children. It’s a simple statement of what’s best human practice for childrearing. But it’s taboo to say that in many Black quarters because the Unwed Mama Mafia will come after you if you say that.

    Simultaneously, I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the BW’s blogs that actively supported marriage. And this was whether they were religious-oriented blogs (which I often find off-putting for a variety of reasons) or not. Let me repeat some observations that I made during a conversation at the previous blog,

    Well, I’ve ALSO been promoting marriage. LOL! There’s a difference between what you’re saying above and what most AA women do. You’re pointing out the benefits of marriage. AA women tend to use the status of “got a man/kids” or “ain’t got no man/kids” to measure the value of themselves and their time and other women and other women’s time.

    What some women are rejecting is the idea of accepting condescending put-downs from married women or mothers. These insults come in many forms.

    One example is many married women’s and mothers’ frequent assumption that unmarried women have what one single friend calls “idle time and idle minds.”

    This leads to the married/mothers making assumptions that the single friend/relative has nothing better to do than to babysit their kids, run errands for them, or for those who are politically inclined, participate in activist struggles that the married/mothers say they don’t have time to attend.

    [I had to go off on one married friend who made this assumption one time too many, and kept trying to sweat me into attending political activities that she felt were important. Of course, she couldn’t go because she was too busy with her kids. Finally, I told her, “You must think that I don’t have sh*t else to do with my time but to follow through on YOUR political priorities. No, I DON’T have idle time and an idle mind.”]

    For another example, if I had a dime for every time a married or parenting BW assumed that she had more “life experience” than me, I would be independently wealthy. What I get is “Oh, you were wise to say/do ___________. That’s why I assumed you were married.” BW say and think these sorts of things as if “wisdom” (such as it is) comes from marriage and childbirth.

    A number of women are sick of disrespectful treatment like the above, and are rejecting it.

    . . . I co-sign your comment. I’ve also seen the weird dynamics that you’re describing. Other BW (including the “single mama mafia” who insist that single parenting is just as good as married parenting) have given me the side-eye and worse over the years for promoting the value of marriage.

    I think it’s critical that we de-tangle and separate the promotion of marriage from the disrespectful, insulting beliefs that many AA women hold.

    The legitimate importance, value and benefits of an MRS degree need to be un-coupled from the disrespect of “You and your life ain’t sh*t because you ain’t got no man/kids.” Right now, it’s all mixed up together and I think the demeaning portion of the message is what’s causing many women to verbally balk when they hear marriage being promoted.

    . . . It IS schizophrenic. But what it all boils down to is yet another example of the widespread free-floating aggression against and between AA women. What one notices is that there’s no “win” for some folks regarding AA women.

    No matter what an AA woman is doing…for whatever motivation…she will often come under attack. And sometimes the attack(s) will take contradictory positions. It’s crazy. And crazy-making for those who let the attacks into their hearts and minds.

    . . . My take on it that there’s a LOT of free-floating HATRED among AA women. And this free-floating hate and aggression manifests in many different ways, and along many different dimensions—–be it class, skin color, marital status, educational status, etc., etc. etc.

    . . . I think you’re being charitable in your description of the motives. I don’t think that anybody is trying to convince others of anything in most of these sorts of conversations. It looks to me like it’s mostly a game of one-upmanship. The unfortunate reality is that BW do a LOT of ugly things among and to each other.

    . . . Well, this is interesting because it ties into the previous “gaslighting” discussion. I trust my impressions of what I see and hear happening around me. I reject gaslighting, no matter what its source or motivation. I would suggest that other women also trust their impressions of what’s going on around them. And I strongly urge other women to also reject attempts at gaslighting, no matter what its source or motivation.

    From my perspective, there’s a LOT of free-floating hatred and aggression going on among and between Black folks. Similarly, there’s a LOT of free-floating hatred and aggression going on among and between BW.

    And the pattern of how this hatred and aggression manifests is basically the same, no matter what particular dimension/attribute. This is part of what I’ve learned from observing aggression that’s directed at me and aggression that’s directed at others. So, I trust my own observations whether or not a particular form of aggression is personally directed toward me or not.

    In plain terms, I don’t have to be the one who’s being knocked in the head with a bat to recognize what that kind of attack looks like. I can also recognize the hostile intentions that go into hitting other people over the head with a bat. And of course, if I can recognize when other folks are being hit in the head with a bat, I can recognize when I’m being hit in the head with a bat.

    No matter how people try to explain away the fact that somebody was attacked with a bat. No matter how they try to explain away the fact that it was an attack:

    “I/they just have a preference for swinging bats in close proximity to other people’s heads. I/they didn’t mean to hurt them…

    …People are coming from a place of deep fear if they interpret my choice to swing a bat near their/somebody else’s head as an attack…

    …A secure person would not feel the need to defend their personal space around their head from a swinging bat…

    …All we need is love and then folks won’t read negative things into the bat swings 2 mm away from their heads…”

    {chuckling} Ummm…no. I trust my own observations of the various “bat-wielding” attacks going on among and between Black folks and BW.

    I trust my own observations of the escalating colorism within the AA collective. When BW get smacked in the head with the colorism bat, I call it an attack.

    I trust my own observations of the class-based hateration/snobbery that flies around in all directions within the AA collective. When Black folks engage in class-based, bat-wielding free-for-alls, I call it a gang attack.

    I trust my own observations of the “got a man” one-upmanship and put-downs that go on among BW. So when I see BW being smacked in the head with the “you ain’t got no man” bat, I call it an attack.

    Now, this last form of attack is what came up during this conversation, but there are other forms of family-based attacks. There’s also the one-upmanship and subtle put-downs of vocally “measuring” other women’s children against one’s own children. There’s also the one-upmanship and subtle put-downs of vocally “measuring” one’s husband/boyfriend against other women’s husband/boyfriend. I’ve watched BW engage in the “my catch is better than your catch” game.

    The attributes that AAs hit other AAs in the head about are literally endless. Not all of these have come up during these conversations. And I don’t expect all of them come be mentioned with specificity because the list is endless.

    But, let me repeat my bottom line about ALL of these types of attacks: I’ve seen more than enough attacks to recognize them when I see/hear them. I trust my own observations. I reject gaslighting, no matter what its source or motivation.

    I suggest that other women trust their own observations and experiences. And I strongly urge other women to also reject attempts at gaslighting, no matter what its source or motivation.

    During this conversation, a reader mentioned,

    It was some BM jack-leg preacher who made that silly statement to me… I say jack-leg because he gave me his business card and it had a P.O. Box as an address.

    The only reason I even was speaking to this man was because I was stuck in the airport after a snowstorm. I had just come back from a study abroad in Europe, and I “thought” this man was interested in my trip… then he interrupts me to ask, “Why haven’t I given my hand in marriage to some young man?”

    I was so caught off guard, that I didn’t know what to say.

    I know I’m getting off topic, but I have found that more DBRBM will strike up a random conversation with me, and then in an effort to show their “interest,” they’ll say, “So why aren’t you married yet?”

    It puts BW in a very defensive stance, if they aren’t prepared for it and don’t realize they’re dealing with a DBR… and in a way, I can see how some of this helps to develop and add to a defensive stance when someone else tries to discuss the benefits of marriage in a non-judgmental way.

    In reply, I said,

    This isn’t off-topic. It’s all connected to the angle we’ve started talking about. Predatory men KNOW women’s points of vulnerability/insecurity. They know where these emotional “pressure points” are located, and know how to tweak these points to knock the women they want to prey on off balance. DBRBM use this line of attack to break BW’s spirits in general, and in particular to break high-functioning, quality BW down to a more “manageable” (for the DBRBM) size.

    You will notice that the Internet Ike Turners and Ikettes also use this “you/she ain’t got no man” pressure point to attack various BW.* [*As if they have any way of knowing what’s going on with a stranger’s life. Especially if that stranger chooses not to broadcast the details of her personal life. It reminds me of how a few random Negroes that I refused to date in college thought they would hurt my feelings by accusing me of being a lesbian. LOL!]

    A sister that did a series of YouTube videos (“Ask Alexyss”—warning she’s extremely vulgar and graphic) mentioned this point in her “Church Predators” video. As she explained: Predatory men know women’s weaknesses better than most women know themselves!

    This is why BM predators have scoped out churches as prime hunting grounds. They know that many BW go to church looking for solace because they’re hurting. They know that BW are more likely to let their guards (and panties) down quicker with a Negro who pretends to be a “God-fearing man.” They know that these hurting BW in these churches are desperate to believe that they (the BM predator) is a “God-fearing man” sent to them by God.

    The predators know ALL of this and use this knowledge to their advantage in sexing and then discarding a series of BW in church. Incidentally, this sort of thing is the reason why my friend’s church has BANNED dating between members of the church’s singles ministry.

    So, yes, those of us who are promoting marriage should be cautious about not sounding like this DBRBM line of attack when we’re “spreading the gospel” about the benefits of marriage.

    Another gap I felt is that very, very few AA voices are dedicated to AAs first and foremost. Most AAs (our misleaders included) are speaking for anybody and everybody. AAs are looking out for the interests of self-proclaimed “Don’t You Dare Call Me Black” biracials. BW come onto AA blogs to promote and protect the interests of biracials, biculturals, multiculturals, and Cablanasians. AA women are screaming about Darfur and rape in the Congo. Some AAs are truly deranged, and publicly crying the blues for illegal Mexican immigrants.

    I wanted there to be at least ONE place where AAs (and specifically AA women and girls) come FIRST. First does NOT mean exclusive. I’m quite open and happy to discuss other similar situations—like that of the Caribbean-British women in the UK. But I do so from a place of prioritizing my own people first.

    Anyhoo, all of the above was also on my mind when I started blogging. I wanted to create a space that in some small way helped fill in some of the gaps that I felt.
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    After all that heavy talk, let me end this comment on another note.

    Am I the last person in the US to find out there’s a Law & Order: UK tv show? LOL! I ran across the show last week and was thoroughly amused watching “Apollo” from Battlestar Galactica speak with his native British accent. [I also prefer hearing Idris Elba speak with his native British accent.] I also enjoyed seeing the wigs and costumes worn by trial attorneys (“barristers”?) in UK courts! 🙂

    Although, because they’re speaking fast (at a normal conversational pace) and using bits of slang, I wasn’t able to understand about 10% of the dialog in the show. I really must improve my listening comprehension of conversational British English!

    Expect Success!

    • LaJane Galt says:

      Since you “opened the door” to L&O UK. I had to do some research on barrister attire after watching an episode. Though I do love London, I’m glad we didn’t go that route.

      They should have used the baseline theme song. Guess that doesn’t appeal to Brits as much

      • LaJaneGalt,

        You said, “Since you “opened the door” to L&O UK. I had to do some research on barrister attire after watching an episode. Though I do love London, I’m glad we didn’t go that route.”

        I’m also happy we didn’t go that route. I could wear the costume. However, I draw the line at the wigs. {chuckling} It was also amusing to hear the barristers address the judge as “My Lady” during the episode I watched (instead of “Your Honor”).

        I’ve never been to the UK for real; I’ve only had stopovers in Heathrow Airport. I’d love to visit London and some other UK spots someday. Even though I’m still (slowly) working on my Spanish, it’d be nice to go some place in Europe where I more or less understand what’s being said around me. 🙂

        Expect Success!

    • ak says:

      Khadija:

      This sounds odd to my American ears because the “British” identifier is totally missing from this term! I being to wonder if that’s a deliberate slight—a not so subtle way of telling the West Indian people they begged to come there after WWII that they won’t recognize them as fully British?

      Nooooo, you are pretty much RIGHT when it comes to that conclusion. When I a kid it wasn’t all categorized as such, but after spending many years in the US and then returning back to the UK, it has been as if I can’t even say that I’m English if I was born in the darn place (that being England).

    • Rhonda says:

      Am I the last person in the US to find out there’s a Law & Order: UK tv show?

      There is a French one, too — based on the [American] Criminal Intent version of Law and Order. It is called Paris Enquêtes Criminelles (Paris Criminal Inquiries).

      Here is the IMDb link for the show: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1002919/

      Here is a Wall Street Journal Europe review of the show: http://www.lawandorder-fr.com/articles/?article=638

      • Rhonda,

        Thanks for the info. The back story to all these foreign “Law & Order” adaptations is fascinating. And the existence of such (along with my recent experience of watching a dvd of a French sci-fi movie called “Chrysalis”) is rekindling old polyglot daydreams. {smile}

        Expect Success!

    • mochachoc says:

      African-Caribbean is not a term I use nor do I hear it used often at all. Afro-Caribbean is more often used but again I do not use it because I have no idea what it means. We are regularly asked to identify which ethnic group we belong to for ‘statistical’ purposes. I am never comfortable with filling in this form. I consider myself Caribbean British or more specifically Jamaican English. I can tell you there is no such box. You will even get ‘black other’ or Black British which I suppose comes closer than any of the other options but still meaningless to me. I don’t think my confusion is accidental. I believe your observation is correct. The UK still has a hard time accepting that we who stem from former colonial countries are indeed British.

      I’m glad you mentioned the voices of older black women are often absent or silenced. This is why I visit your blog because I know the opinions I read hear are largely that of women who have life experience. I am all for listening to younger women too because they add freshness to the conversation. I get a little peeved when some younger women forget some have already travelled the road and made mistakes along the way and it is unhelpful to use their fresh and green starting position as a whipping tool.

      As I said I raised my children as a single-parent but I’m no fool. This was not the best/optimal option for them nor me. I look back and wish it wasn’t so but it is. When I speak with younger women I tell them to choose marriage first. Sadly too many women fall for the blanket acceptance of having children outside of marriage. Marriage isn’t even on the radar for most of them. Somehow getting married seems a bigger commitment than having children with a man who has already shown he will not protect or provide. There is no understanding that being a single-mother has a devastating effect on your personal choices and wealth.

      Re Law&Order UK LOL! I watched it for the first time only last week and thought it was just ok. If I forget it is Law & Order then it’s more watchable. It is very British in tone and I suppose I am grateful for that. I prefer Spooks.

      • Mochachoc,

        You said, “I consider myself Caribbean British or more specifically Jamaican English. I can tell you there is no such box. You will even get ‘black other’ or Black British which I suppose comes closer than any of the other options but still meaningless to me. I don’t think my confusion is accidental. I believe your observation is correct. The UK still has a hard time accepting that we who stem from former colonial countries are indeed British.”

        {shaking my head}

        You said, “I’m glad you mentioned the voices of older black women are often absent or silenced….I get a little peeved when some younger women forget some have already travelled the road and made mistakes along the way and it is unhelpful to use their fresh and green starting position as a whipping tool.”

        “Whipping tool” is a perfect way to describe that type of situation. One thing I try to be careful about is that I don’t want other people coming away from here feeling the way I felt at a number of younger BW’s blogs—unnecessarily worse than before I visited those places.

        There’s a world of difference between beneficial discomfort (because some stale thought patterns are being challenged), and nonbeneficial discomfort (where your human dignity itself is being stepped on).

        You said, “When I speak with younger women I tell them to choose marriage first. Sadly too many women fall for the blanket acceptance of having children outside of marriage. Marriage isn’t even on the radar for most of them. Somehow getting married seems a bigger commitment than having children with a man who has already shown he will not protect or provide.”

        That’s scary. But I guess it’s also a predictable progression that comes from normalizing oow. Similar to modern “hook up” culture. As sexual involvment becomes a minimal “requirement” in order to even have social interactions with large numbers of toxic men, the potentially life-altering importance of who one chooses to have sex with is discounted—that decision takes on the same gravity as brushing one’s teeth. The same with creating children.

        You said, “Re Law&Order UK LOL! I watched it for the first time only last week and thought it was just ok. If I forget it is Law & Order then it’s more watchable. It is very British in tone and I suppose I am grateful for that. I prefer Spooks.”

        {chuckling} I was caught up in waiting for the courtroom costumes and wigs, and wondering what was going to be said to the suspect upon arrest by the police instead of US Miranda warnings.*

        [*“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense….blah, blah, blah.”]

        Expect Success!

    • Liza207 says:

      Khadija,

      “I trust my own observations of the “got a man” one-upmanship and put-downs that go on among BW. So when I see BW being smacked in the head with the “you ain’t got no man” bat, I call it an attack.”

      My female cousin is constantly (at least once a week) beating up with the “I got a man/husband bat.” She is pathetic enough to refer to her wedding ring as a “badge of honor.” LOL! I have never been a male-indentified female, so I have never needed a man to make me feel valued. Most of her issues with me stems from colorism, I’m light-skinned and she is dark-skinned. She often makes comments like “how come you haven’t gotten that dark after coming back from vacation” what an odd thing to say. Her days are numbered with me.

  31. EleneC says:

    Hello Khadija
    At last I am commenting from the UK!

    A big thank you for the work you are doing. I have been following all topics discussed and getting a lot of food for thought. You are very generous with your time and knowledge.

    It has amused me that a couple of people have mentioned the Racial Realist blog in their review of events so far – wonder what happened to her! Remember, Khadija I said (via email to you) it was through her blog that I first came across you because you stood out with your comments. As someone else mentioned your intelligence, common sense and personality shouts out from the page. An obvious great trait for a writer to have – keeps your audience coming back!

    Most of you ladies blogging – I read your work too, it is much appreciated and seems to be working. I often hear people quoting things I have read at one of your sites in the comment section of other bloggers.

    Also Khadija, there are no black male versions of what you and the other women are doing, aimed at black men. I don’t specifically mean the interracial/global dating angle some focus on, I mean where they tackle topics about self-examination, the BC, their roles as men, what they want from the future, etc.

    As you said at the start of the Art of Being a Gentleman post, nearly all black blogs are focused on nonsense and trivia and I think, spite.

    Best wishes
    EC

    No longer a lurker!

    PS – please excuse any typos!

  32. Oshun/Aphrodite says:

    I wanted to co-sign the thanks to all the pioneering BWE bloggers! I shudder to think of where I may be had I not ever come across this information! I was frustrated and basically in an insanity loop, doing the same things over and over again.

    So I want to thank all of you [Khadija, Halima, Evia, CW, Gina, Sarah, Betty, PVW et al] from the bottom of my heart! And I also want to thank the commenters because the sharing of stories and information has been so immensely helpful!

  33. Karen R. says:

    I really appreciate you work and the work of other BWE bloggers. I have learned so much in the past few months. Initially, it was just refreshing to know that there were women who acknowledged that something was indeed “rotten in Denmark” in terms of the current state of affairs in the BC, in AA male/female relationships and what has been accepted as normal. I went through the initial stages of grief where although I knew things were wrong, it was still hard to “call a spade a spade” at least initially.

    Now, I can acknowledge what is wrong, but more importantly, I can focus unapologetically on what I need to do to make my life better as an AA woman.

    What I appreciate about your blog in particular is the concrete and tangible information you provide regarding improving our lives emotionally (expand your circle of dating options, eliminate the DBR’s/No Value and Low Value people from your life), physically (get out of the inner-city hell-holes and financially (develop multiple streams of income). Blessings on you!

  34. Oshun/Aphrodite says:

    “As increasing numbers of individual Black women decide to seek abundant life and go wherever their dreams lead them, the Internet Ike Turners and Ikettes will start claiming that they always supported the goal of abundant life for Black women!”

    I so see this happening. I have experienced this in my personal life from wanna be saboteurs and the like. “We always knew you could make it/do it.”

    @ mochachoc
    Congratulations on your weight loss! That is so wonderful!

  35. Hello there, EleneC!

    {waving from across “the pond”}

    Yes, I remember your email. You’re welcome and thank YOU for your kind words and for de-lurking! I truly appreciate it.

    You said, “It has amused me that a couple of people have mentioned the Racial Realist blog in their review of events so far – wonder what happened to her! Remember, Khadija I said (via email to you) it was through her blog that I first came across you because you stood out with your comments.”

    Hopefully, she’s living happily ever after with her husband. What I find amusing on one level and a warning on another level, is how that particular blog had the unintended result of driving me AWAY from Black Nationalism. Like I said earlier, DBRBM are often the most effective “recruiting sergeants” for the BWE message. When I saw an endless series Black male commenters who were so-called “allies” in the struggle for what I thought was “Black liberation” YAWN in response to:

    The Dunbar Village Atrocity and Aftermath,
    Daniyah Jackson,
    Latasha Norman,
    Nailah Franklin,
    Ebony Dorsey,
    and other atrocities BM were committing against BW and girls

    and continue their nonstop whining about WM’s racism, I was too through. Those self-professed “conscious brothers'” TOTAL lack of concern about the escalating violent atrocities their brethren are committing against BW and girls let me know that this was never about “Black” liberation. Instead, it’s always been about Black men’s liberation to be free to mess over BW, Black children, and also to have increased access to nonblack women.

    There were a VERY small handful of BM at other sorts of forums that responded appropriately to these outrages (I’m thinking of BM knights such as Mr. Black SeaGoat and a few others). But the appropriate response was NOT the mainstream response among BM commenters when they were informed of these atrocities.

    You said, “Also Khadija, there are no black male versions of what you and the other women are doing, aimed at black men. I don’t specifically mean the interracial/global dating angle some focus on, I mean where they tackle topics about self-examination, the BC, their roles as men, what they want from the future, etc.

    As you said at the start of the Art of Being a Gentleman post, nearly all black blogs are focused on nonsense and trivia and I think, spite.”

    Oh yes, how did I forget the spite angle? LOL! Unfortunately, there’s plenty of that at most Black blogs.
    ________________________________________________

    Oshun/Aphrodite,

    You’re welcome; and thank YOU for your ongoing support. I truly appreciate it.
    ________________________________________________

    KarenR.,

    Thank you for your kind words and good wishes; I truly appreciate it. And may God bless you as well!

    Expect Success!

  36. LaJane Galt says:

    I have noted subtle changes to conversations in many blogs: highbrow and less serious subjects. More BW seem to really question the status quo with a frankness and honesty that was barely acknowledged before.

    Good to know I wasn’t just reading into comments 🙂

    • Oh yes, the conversations HAVE changed. Increasing numbers of BW are frequently asking questions that were previously totally forbidden and taboo.

      You weren’t “just reading into comments”! 🙂

      Expect Success!

  37. What I enjoy so much in reading all of the blogs is how intellectually and emotionally fulfilling, yet challenging they are. I’ve learned so much from everyone.

    This is a University. The blogs are our classes. I’m especially heartened by the roll call of the students who’ve made so much progress. 😀

    I’m humbled to be mentioned among the pioneers and stalwarts of the BWE blogs. Thank you.

  38. Faith says:

    I think the time is ripe for a few newer bloggers to step forward to continue spreading the BWE/IR messaging in ways that appeals to them for targeted campaigns. Snagging other participants (not necessarily familiar w/the established BWE bloggers) who will help propel that message into as-yet untapped forums could result in more paradigm shifts that have big impact.

  39. halima says:

    Your ideas are spreading beyond the shores of the USA (oops I forgot Halima is British right?).

    Wink!

  40. pioneervalleywoman says:

    Greetings, all!

    Nothing to add now except a thanks for all the shout-outs!

    Regards,

    PVW

  41. ak says:

    Khadija you also sound as if you make a great lawyer, and like you could have made a good psychologist, because you’ve been studying people and their behavior for so long through your work! That’s one thing that attracts me to your blog and to Muslim Bushido. Khadija you know how to read people, judge them AND you know exactly the right answer to give them or evene better the right question to pose to them.

    Just like you did with that the guy on the ‘black power’ blog who said that black women were programmed to want marriage? But you know how to pull it out of the bag AND how to articulate it everytime! It’s amazing. Maybe OJ should have met you instead of Johnnie Cochran (…or maybe the Browns and Goldmans should have…) LOL LOL

  42. I want to say thanks to all of the BW bloggers for shifting the expectations of black women. A simple,”Yes, you deserve love and marriage, says a lot to many”. Many unborn children will be so happy their mothers followed the lead that many of you all have started in our “virtual world” 🙂

    Thanks!!!

  43. **For The Benefit of American Readers, Here’s A Very Short History Lesson About How West Indians Came To The UK**

    For those American readers who aren’t aware of this, here are the reasons why it sounds absolutely FOUL to me (admittedly as an outsider) that Caribbean-British folks apparently aren’t properly recognized as being “British.” The following is from an extended comment I made in reply to Mochachoc during an earlier conversation,

    Mochachoc, it’s scary to see the parallels between what you’ve previously described of the deteriorating Caribbean-British position in the UK, and the also-deteriorating AA position in the US.

    And the timeline is roughly the same: both groups passed the point of no return in their bad collective moves approximately 40 years ago. The end result wasn’t visible 40 years ago. But these destructive, end-stage trends began about 40 years ago. In both cases, we allowed ourselves to be supplanted by other, more dynamic minority ethnic groups. The South Asians in the UK; and the Latinos in the US. In both cases, we had a window of opportunity in which our respective ethnic groups could have thrived if we had made better collective choices.

    Finally, in both cases, we are much LESS the people that our parents and grandparents were. Which is the root cause of all of the above failures. {long sigh}

    You said, “I like to remind these people that our parents did not escape Jamaica or wherever under a lorry claiming asylum or pretending to be students. We were invited and encouraged to come here to help re-build the country.”

    D*mn right! This is similar to how I’m always amused by folks wanting to put on airs when they know they snuck across the Rio Grande—like thieves in the night—which they ARE because they’re STEALING spaces and opportunities that should go to the LEGAL immigrants who respect the law—to get up into this country.

    You said, “And many of the anti-racist laws that they enjoy were hard won by Caribbeans.”

    Here’s another striking parallel: AAs and Caribbean Brits as the civil/human rights workhorses who made all these other people’s opportunities possible. Meanwhile, what have Pakistani-British children of immigrants done in gratitude to the country that let their parents in? Bomb the trains and buses on 7/7! {shaking my head in disgust}

    [I will note that I don’t count the lone British Negro involved as a full co-conspirator in that mess, the same way I don’t count the Nigerian wannabe plane bomber in the US. Negro Sunni Muslims are mostly PUPPETS who take their marching orders from deranged Arabians and Pakistanis. These puppets don’t have any thoughts of their own.]

    You said, “My mother was right she was not African. She was very much Jamaican brought up under the British flag (her education was far superior to those born and bred in England).”

    That’s right! In terms of the (British) Commonwealth of Nations (which includes practically all of the Caribbean nations—please correct me if I’m mistaken), I find it quite amusing to note that according to Wikipedia:

    As membership is purely voluntary, member governments can choose at any time to leave the Commonwealth. Pakistan left on 30 January 1972 in protest at the Commonwealth’s recognition of breakaway Bangladesh, but rejoined on 2 August 1989.

    Historical AND current membership in the (British) Commonwealth of Nations has its benefits, including educational benefits. That’s why independent Pakistan came crawling back. {chuckling}

    You said, “As you mentioned Khadija I am in the enviable position of claiming the identity I choose. I used to be confused and a little ashamed of the historical legacy we had inherited. Then one day it hit me that I was a product of the brave and strong. I did not need to claim Africa as my home. I’ve said this before that there are Britons who would want to deny me the right to call myself British but this is who I am whether they like it or not.”

    My 2 cents as an outsider: As far as I’m concerned, you and the other Caribbean-British folks are TOTALLY entitled to have your identities as BRITISH people properly recognized. Please correct me if I get some of the details wrong, but let me stress some historical details to the mostly American audience who are generally not aware of the following:

    You said, “We were invited and encouraged to come here to help re-build the country.”

    Well, more people need to know that y’all weren’t just invited and encouraged to move to the UK. British White folks sent ships to bring y’all over to help rebuild the UK after WWII! Here’s part of the Wikipedia entry about the ship named MV Empire Windrush,

    The MV Empire Windrush was a ship that is an important part of multiracialism in the United Kingdom. The Empire Windrush arrived at Tilbury on 22 June 1948, carrying 492 passengers from Jamaica wishing to start a new life in the United Kingdom. The passengers were the first large group of West Indian immigrants to the UK after the Second World War.

    The arrival of the passengers, and the image of the Caribbean passengers filing off the vessel’s gang plank, has become an important landmark in the history of modern Britain, symbolising the beginning of modern multicultural relations which were to change British society significantly over the following years. In 1998, an area of public open space in Brixton was renamed Windrush Square to commemorate the fiftieth anniversary of the arrival of the West Indians.

    There’s NO comparison between this history and those folks who snuck across borders or (falsely) cried the blues while applying for political asylum—when they were actually economic (and not political) immigrants.

    Mini-Rant: This is yet another historical pattern that p*sses me off—people not holding up their end of the bargain after they reap the benefits of the bargain. The UK needed help after WWII. [I won’t dwell on the fact that AAs like my grandfather fought in Europe while serving in the US Army; and helped save the rear ends of entire countries of White Europeans during WWI and WWII. There were other BM and men of color who helped save colonial England’s and colonial France’s rear ends during WWI and WWII. To be fair, at least I did see a monument arc in recognition of these soldiers from the colonies—Monuments aux Héros de l’Armée d’Orient et des Terres Lointaines in Marseilles.]

    Anyhoo, a devastated, bombed out UK needed help to rebuild after WWII. Large numbers of West Indians agreed to help by coming over there to work. The West Indians who went to the UK to help rebuild held up THEIR end of that bargain. Therefore, they and their descendants are entitled to be recognized as BRITISH people. Period.

    Hmmph!

    • Rhonda says:

      There was a French movie that came out in 2006 called Indigènes (Days of Glory) that told a slice of the story of the role that North African men, from French colonies, played in fighting the German army for France during WW2. As well, it showed how France did/has not compensated these men, in their old age, as they did/have France-born men who fought in that war.

      And let us not forget that a black American woman, Josephine Baker (La Baker), was an active member in the French Resistance during WW2.

    • mochachoc says:

      Oh yes and they’ve done a good job convincing us not to see ourselves as British. Most Caribbean descendants do not identify as British. Interestingly, I was having a similar conversation with my Greek and Irish friends and in no way do they ever identify as white or British. This was an eye opener for me.

      Currently there is a discussion that multiculturalism doesn’t work. Underpinning the debate is a desire to return to a monoculture (which is delusional), i.e. indigenous pre 1940’s white culture. Good luck with that people LOL!

      • Mochachoc,

        Yes, I’ve seen the online news stories about German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s recent comment that “Multiculturalism has failed in Germany.”

        http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/video/2010/oct/18/angela-merkel-multiculturalism-germany-video

        My overall impression is that it’s more accurate to say that multiculturalism fails with certain categories of immigrants who generally REFUSE to adapt to their host countries. Namely, Latinos and immigrant Muslims. Mexicans are the worst offenders among Latinos in the US. And Arabs and Pakistanis are the worst offenders among the immigrant Muslims in the US.

        These people are bad guests wherever they go. They tend to have nasty, hateful attitudes towards their hosts, and generally refuse to make any adjustments whatsoever in order to fit into their host countries (such as the mass Mexican refusal to learn English; and the mass Arab/Pakistani refusal to adapt their behavior to Western cultural norms). I’m getting the impression that the Turks in Germany fall into this “bad guest” category. That’s too bad for them. I feel that anybody who isn’t willing to be a good guest and make at least minimal concessions to their hosts’ sensibilities should LEAVE and GO BACK “HOME.” And this includes all the veil/niqab-wearing women in France. If they’re so insistent on doing a series of things that deeply upset their hosts, they should go home.

        I don’t feel that the French ban on veils and whatnot is so unreasonable. These veil-wearing folks are standing in the middle of SOMEBODY ELSE’S living room—in the middle of somebody ELSE’S house.

        Expect Success!

        • ak says:

          It’s all true!

        • mochachoc says:

          I agree 100%. These people have no problem integrating when they want to claim welfare benefits. However, I suspect some are using this legitimate disquiet as a means to vent their racism.

          • Oh, yeah. Racists and other opportunists will always take the opportunity to push their pre-existing agenda under the cover of other folks’ legitimate concerns.

            The Jean-Marie Le Pen-types would still want these folks OUT of their countries even if they had been good guests.

            Expect Success!

      • ak says:

        Seriously? You know Greek and Irish people who never call themselves ‘white’??? Huh?

        I know that Greek people have very strong ethnic ties to Greece that they like to hold on to a lot and ties that they usually acknowledge, but because the Irish and British have a hostile and long history between their two countries I can see why Irish people would never call themselves British, but on the other hand of course Northern Ireland is still British land.

        • mochachoc says:

          ak they are offended if you call them white. My Greek friend’s say they tick the ‘other’ box rather than ‘white other’. And my Irish friends say the same. Who knew?

    • ak says:

      Exactly. I am a black Brit and I’m a black English person. The rest of my family was born in Jamaica with the exception of me, my aunt, and her two kids. We were born in England so why can’t we be black English people??

      I never said I was an Anglo-Saxon, all I said was I was born in England, and not Jamaica!

  44. Pat says:

    Excellent!

  45. Neecy says:

    All i can say is i truly looove all of the BWE Pioneers today. you guys are truly going to be the ones to go down in history as the ones who first carried the torches of change for Black women globally. By spending your time and energy getting Black women to see how we can change our mentalities FIRST to bette rour lives as women.

    I truly have to say thank YOU!

    I hope one day once I get myself together I can contribute in some other way to help carry the torch for the next generation.

  46. hi Khadija-

    i have been lurking for awhile now. even when i am silent, i am learning and continuing to grow. your wisdom has been invaluable in my continued evolution.

    thank you SO much for your shout out. it is a high honor to be included among the stellar women you listed.

    recently, i have been busy offline working with black women and girls. between that, business, and getting my son off to college, i haven’t blogged. i plan to get back to blogging as soon as i can better focus my energies and thoughts. it is impossible for me to blog on the fly. email yes. comment with an agenda in places where folks need a little “seed” planted, yes. until i am able to sit and blog with focused purpose, campaigns that require support have been moved forward through e-mail. lol. i have also been a reading, printing, mailing fiend.

    i must say that i used to frequent the blog you mentioned. after several straight no chaser comments, that blog went “private”. lol. as you are aware, i, too was a black nationalist. i would go further to say that i was a full fledged nation of islam sista soldier. lol. boy, did it hurt knocking that mess off! wrenching my head around so that i could stop engaging in backwards thinking was the most painful, best thing i have ever done for myself.

    i ran across this article yesterday,

    http://www.theroot.com/views/million-man-march-15-years-later?gt1=38002

    and must say that it is another reason the message we share is being so well received. i am also seeing some black men beginning to tell the truth. author Ellis Cose, in his book, “the envy of the world: on being a black man in america” (don’t let the title fool you. lol!) very clearly acknowledges what we are saying. it was quite interesting to see his admission that other black males already KNOW they are guilty of the infractions bwe bloggers are courageously calling out. on some level, i sensed this truth and decided to change my focus to the women and girls. i am content to enjoy my femininity and leave the menfolk work to the menfolk.

    Khadija, i love you sis. i have the utmost respect for your work and stand in solidarity. i am so appreciative of the work that Evia, PVW, NWNW, Shecodes, Halima, Sara, and many others are doing. i want to also suggest folks visit Alicia Banks over at http://aliciabanks.xanga.com/. she is still, God bless her, shouting herself hoarse about obamessiah and many other well researched topics. the work all have done and are doing has blessed my life tremendously. it is my sincere prayer that i can be a blessing for many others.

    blessings all!

  47. Neecy,

    You’re welcome, and thank YOU for your kind words; I truly appreciate it.
    _______________________________________

    FocusedPurpose,

    Hi, Sis!
    {waving}

    You’re welcome, and thank YOU for being a pioneer! 🙂

    You said, “recently, i have been busy offline working with black women and girls. between that, business, and getting my son off to college, i haven’t blogged. i plan to get back to blogging as soon as i can better focus my energies and thoughts. it is impossible for me to blog on the fly.”

    I’m eagerly looking forward to your return!

    You said, “i must say that i used to frequent the blog you mentioned. after several straight no chaser comments, that blog went “private”. lol. as you are aware, i, too was a black nationalist. i would go further to say that i was a full fledged nation of islam sista soldier. lol. boy, did it hurt knocking that mess off! wrenching my head around so that i could stop engaging in backwards thinking was the most painful, best thing i have ever done for myself.”

    I feel the same way. It was all very painful, but necessary.

    About The Root article discussing the missed opportunities of the Million Man March: I was amused to see the author briefly ‘fess up to a few observations of INTERNAL failures. He said,

    And so, for me, any celebration of that wondrous October day is tinged with more than a little sorrow that we squandered our best opportunity to arrest black America’s inexorable slog to Gomorrah.

    The reality is that since 1965 — when I was born — black America has never had so many of our own in jail (in terms of absolute numbers or as a percentage of our overall population); seen more “good” jobs disappear; been sicker; experienced a wider income gap within our community; and, most important, seen more of our material gains reversed than we have over the last 15 years. This is true in almost all areas, including housing, educational outcomes, widening of the income gap and representation in trade unions.

    Yes, in the aftermath, we elected our first black president, which many see as a major step forward for African Americans. And in some ways, that is true. But I would argue that using the election of Barack Obama as proof of black progress is central to the problem. His presidency has not stalled the downward spiral of so many African Americans. You would be hard pressed to identify a period over the last 45 years when black politicians have been less responsive to the black polity. In other words, while Marion Barry and Coleman Young and Harold Washington might have been flawed, they were ours.

    No one would say the same of the Adrian Fentys, Cory Bookers and Harold Ford Jrs. of the world. We’re living in different times, times that we could not have foreseen 15 years ago as we gathered on the Mall.

    But, unfortunately, he quickly got back to the traditional AA mantra of “blame the government…look to the government to accomodate internal dysfunctions.” As you know, the problem with this mindset is that it gives away our agency to so-called “all powerful” outsiders. Meanwhile,

    Nobody is forcing AA males to engage in behaviors that lead to them filling the nation’s jails and prisons. That’s their free and voluntary choice.

    Nobody prevented AAs from preparing ourselves for economic shifts. I recall Ross Perot warning everybody during his 1992 presidential campaign—3 years before the Million Man March—about what he correctly predicted would be the bad effects of NAFTA. I recall his comment about listening for the “giant sucking sound” of American jobs being vacuumed out of the US and into places like Mexico.

    Nobody is preventing AAs from taking better care of our bodies and our health.

    Nobody prevented AAs from creating our own infrastructure (businesses and other institutions) to safeguard whatever gains we had made.

    Nobody put a gun to AAs’ heads and forced us to support and vote for Crossover Negro Politicians whose main claims to fame are: (1) how “post racial” they are, and (2) how determined they are to ignore AAs’ concerns.

    Nobody prevented AAs from taking advantage of various HUD educational programs for aspiring homeowners. Folks didn’t have to be “snookered” into getting subprime mortgages. Furthermore, nobody required AAs who were NOT prepared for the responsbilities of home ownership to buy houses in the first place. I saw a whole lot of people who had never been responsible enough to balance their checkbooks or pay their other bills on time decicde to buy houses. Particularly houses that it was quite obvious that they could NOT afford. Nobody forced them to do any of that.

    When, if ever, will AAs grow up and assume adult levels of responsibility?

    You said, “i am also seeing some black men beginning to tell the truth. author Ellis Cose, in his book, “the envy of the world: on being a black man in america” (don’t let the title fool you. lol!) very clearly acknowledges what we are saying. it was quite interesting to see his admission that other black males already KNOW they are guilty of the infractions bwe bloggers are courageously calling out. on some level, i sensed this truth and decided to change my focus to the women and girls. i am content to enjoy my femininity and leave the menfolk work to the menfolk.”

    The more sensible AA men can see that their time is running out. Whatever sympathy outsiders felt for their “plight” is evaporating. Other people are tired of listening to BM whine. Progressive Whites in the US have adopted other mascots and pets from other areas of the world. Other so-called people of color are also sick of them.

    AA men are obsolete. The masses of them serve NO productive function in the US at this point. They are in the late stages of being replaced in every venue they previously served in. Mexicans have replaced them in terms of menial jobs. In Chicago, it’s Polish and Mexican illegal aliens that do the low-skill construction work. They’ve been replaced by Dominican Blacks in professional baseball. As I said at the previous blog, White folks are getting tired of their unwholesome appearance (tatoos, braids, etc,) and criminal antics while playing in the NBA and NFL. They will continue to gradually be replaced in these 2 sports.

    The more sensible AA men can also see that large numbers of high-functioning BW are waking up and walking away from them. This scares them, because as many have observed, BW are the ONLY resource that BM control. We’re the only thing propping up BM at this point. BM depend on BW for all their civil rights protest, charitable fundraiser, and emotional support/pep talk needs. As increasing numbers of AA women ask themselves, “Why am I supporting people—BM—who NEVER reciprocate my support?”—this umbilical cord is quietly being cut as we speak. Praise God! Freedom from exploitation is a VERY good thing!

    Expect Success!

  48. Patricia Kayden says:

    You’ve really outdone yourself with this article. So spot on.

    The only thing I can add is that as more Black women “get a clue”, the Ikes and Ikettes will continue to be left behind in the dust to lead what is left of the “Black community” off the cliff.

    Bravo!!

  49. They’ve been replaced by Dominican Blacks in professional baseball. As I said at the previous blog, White folks are getting tired of their unwholesome appearance (tatoos, braids, etc,) and criminal antics while playing in the NBA and NFL. They will continue to gradually be replaced in these 2 sports.

    This is so very true. From childhood my entire family were rabid basketball fans. Each year during the NCAA tourney I’d get my bracket together and follow it like a religion. I attended some of the preliminary NCAA games and from time to time had season tickets for my favorite college team. I have not watched a basketball game since 1997. (For those of you who are not fans that’s the year Latrell Sprewell choked his coach.) IMO, he should’ve been banned from basketball. That would’ve put a chilling affect on all this foolishness. I had been gradually losing interest even prior to that. I don’t watch sports to watch a bunch of gang-bangers playing street ball. Not only that, no one in my family watches anymore either, for exactly the same reason. They have destroyed a sport that was an essential part of my family’s culture.

    I do still follow college football, and the NFL, but not as much as I followed basketball. One thing is becoming abundantly clear, black men are indeed well on their way to becoming obsolete. They did a story on 60 Minutes about the heavy recruitment of Samoan players. And watching the games this past weekend the NFL is absolutely full of players of non-AA origin.

    When that coach at Western Michigan said he was tired of coaching young men who’d never had a father, he was only saying out loud what many coaches have said before. My husband coaches club soccer as a sideline gig. He’s very passionate about soccer and he believes that one of the problems with American soccer is that most of the players come from the suburbs. So he started scouting some of the local Boy’s Clubs and whatnot for kids he could offer club scholarships. Total disaster. The boys had incredible athleticism, but were literally “uncoachable.” No way could he have them acting a fool on a team where parents are paying $600-$1000 for their kids to play.

    • Roslyn,

      You said, “This is so very true. From childhood my entire family were rabid basketball fans. Each year during the NCAA tourney I’d get my bracket together and follow it like a religion. I attended some of the preliminary NCAA games and from time to time had season tickets for my favorite college team. I have not watched a basketball game since 1997. (For those of you who are not fans that’s the year Latrell Sprewell choked his coach.)”

      Choked his coach? And got away with it? OMG. I didn’t know about that—I had stopped paying attention to sports circa 1990.

      You said, “I had been gradually losing interest even prior to that. I don’t watch sports to watch a bunch of gang-bangers playing street ball. Not only that, no one in my family watches anymore either, for exactly the same reason. They have destroyed a sport that was an essential part of my family’s culture.”

      Yep, a lot of folks have been quietly turning away from the National Felons’ League and National ‘Banger Association. That’s why the owners of these various teams have been gradually shifting the demographics of the players. I first realized the shift was on years ago when I saw a tv commercial for a Chicago Bulls game that emphasized “[coach]Phil Jackson and the Bulls…” I had never heard a commercial emphasize the [White] coach OVER the players before.

      You said, “I do still follow college football, and the NFL, but not as much as I followed basketball. One thing is becoming abundantly clear, black men are indeed well on their way to becoming obsolete. They did a story on 60 Minutes about the heavy recruitment of Samoan players. And watching the games this past weekend the NFL is absolutely full of players of non-AA origin.”

      That’s interesting to hear about the 60 minutes story.

      You said, “When that coach at Western Michigan said he was tired of coaching young men who’d never had a father, he was only saying out loud what many coaches have said before….Total disaster. The boys had incredible athleticism, but were literally “uncoachable.” No way could he have them acting a fool on a team where parents are paying $600-$1000 for their kids to play.”

      That’s the most important clue that most AAs need to purchase: Other people are SICK and TIRED of dealing with our dysfunctions! They’re NOT going to be bothered anymore.

      And I don’t blame them, because I’m sick of it too.

      Expect Success!

      • LaJane Galt says:

        The coach is Ron English (Eastern Michigan). I knew when he made the comment that he was a black man. A white man astute enough to notice the behavior problems would be very hesitant to say anything public.

        My husband coaches club soccer as a sideline gig. He’s very passionate about soccer and he believes that one of the problems with American soccer is that most of the players come from the suburbs. So he started scouting some of the local Boy’s Clubs and whatnot for kids he could offer club scholarships. Total disaster. The boys had incredible athleticism, but were literally “uncoachable.”

        100% I2I on the suburbs argument. I’m passionate about American Soccer too. Immigrant kids (who make up the bulk of non-whites on the men’s national team) will constitute the core of men’s soccer. I guess your husband’s experience underscores that.

      • Karen R. says:

        People are indeed getting sick and tired and the observations regarding the recruitment of non-AA players in very interesting. The landscape has changed.

        Just a side note, the coach who said that he wants players from stable homes who have had a father happened to be African American and coaches at Eastern Michigan University. His name is Ron English. He said in the July 31st edition of The Detroit Free Press:

        “We wanted guys that had a father in their background,” English told the Detroit News on July 31st. “A guy that’s raised by his mom all the time, and please don’t take me wrong, but the reality is that you’ve got to teach that guy how to be taught by a man.”

  50. Tracy says:

    Great Post as always – and THANK YOU BWE BLOGGERS!!

    I honestly do not know where or what I would be if I hadn’t stumbled upon Evia’s site, looking for some validation as to how I felt about my preferences. Not only did she, Halima, Sara and a host of others give me the proof (in pics and stories) but let me know that it was OK – I wasn’t being a race traitor, I wasn’t “weird”. How liberating!

    Then, Ms. K took a sledgehammer and smashed up the rest of the myths of “blackwomanhood”. I wasn’t lazy, I just didn’t want to carry the burden of a whole race on my shoulders. I’m a WOMAN d*mmit – first and foremost. And I deserve to live and love as a feminine, wonderful being.

    So, a few year later, a few pounds lighter, and so much wiser, I thank you Khadija and all the rest. I , along with everyone else here, am living proof that your work is not done in vain!